17 July 2008

Gimp?

Ahh back from the land of socialism again. So I just got back from spending eight days in Canadialand. I do look forward to this vacation every year. I mean it’s the perfect vacation in that all we do is sit around the lake (Huron) and drink beers, play cards (pinochle, euchre and poker), golf everyday, and just plain relax. Seriously, it is the quintessential vacation. No running to meet deadlines, no rush to get here, or rush to see this or that, nothing. Breakfast at 8am lunch at 1230 and dinner at 6pm. Campfires at night where we let the little kids roast s’mores and we talk about shit that you shouldn’t talk about in front of kids.

The best campfire “game” we played was a wonderful tactical decision making game called “fuck, suck or kill”. In this game people are presented with 3 names of famous people, and they must decide which person they will fuck, which person they will go down on and which person they will kill. The trick is, when playing with gentlemen you must name two dudes and chick (that’s two guys and a girl). For example, I would look at Zen Wizard, Dr. Ken, Joe C, Rev, Scooter, and SO@24 and say: Marlon Brando circa 1997, Louie Anderson circa 1997 and Ruth Bader Ginsburg now. They would have to choose who to fuck, who to kill and who to go down own. I have to say in the entire week of playing the game I killed the woman off twice. Once was Oprah, the other was Kathy Bates. Seriously, I was justified.

So unlike last year there was no sexing. Not a bit. I didn’t even get a chance to attempt a “cable guy”. Not that I was involved in the sexing of years past, it would still have been nice to see the tradition live on. There was almost some sexing from the Goalie, however, it didn’t pan out.

On the morning of Cousin’s birthday we had the annual “Staff vs. Guests” softball game, which we all take a little too seriously. After spending a couple innings covering basically the entire outfield I decided to move to the infield as our 3rd baseman was useless. So after laying out for a ball the pitcher should have fielded and trying to get up to hustle back to 3rd I thought it would be a grand idea to blow out my knee. So, I did. And now I’m walking with a cane. Yay me! So that sucked.

However one really good thing did come out of this vacation, and that is an introduction to the game of “waffle”. Waffle is a magical and mysterious game of unknown origins. It was learned by a pair of girls in St. Louis by mysterious strangers and they in turn taught Cousin and Goalie down in Florida who in turn spread it to the campus of Ferris State and then to the Eastern Banks of Lake Huron in Canadialand. No on is quite sure of the reason for the name. Some have hypothesized that it was named as such do the fact that French Toast was taken. Others still have surmised that the name was derived from a drunken New Englander trying to saw “awful” and a drunken Midwesterner hearing “waffle”. And yet others contend the name is simply meant to be as fun as the game. Really, who doesn’t smile when they think of waffles? So, I ask you readers, are you ready to learn the rules of the next big thing? Are you?! Well, then read on:
What you need:

Four people
2 hockey sticks. Cut the blades off and cut a point into the stub you just cut. This makes for hammering them into the ground a little easier. Also, you’ll want to take some hockey tape, or duct tape and add a decent sized nub to the top. Basically, just keep taping around the shaft at the top so you can have a ring the size of a silver dollar.

A good supply of party cups. 16 oz. Not clear.

A Frisbee

A bucket of water

A good supply of beers/mixed drinks.

Setup:

Take the hockey sticks and place them about 10 paces apart. Hammer them into the ground using a rock, or whatever you have handy. Fill two party cups to the first substantial line with water. You will use the bucket of water for this. Not the little baby line ¼ inch from the bottom. The beer pong line. And balance the cups on the ends of the hockey sticks.

Game play:

The game is played to 21. First to 21 wins. Not by two. Straight up.

You must always have a drink in your hand. At all times. Always. Period. This game is played one handed.

Divide into teams of two and choose a side. You and your partner play from the same side. Flip a coin to see which team goes first. If you don’t have a coin, flip the Frisbee.

Starting from behind your stick one person throws the Frisbee at the other team’s stick/cup in an attempt to knock the cup over.

Standing behind their stick the opposing team attempts to catch the Frisbee and the cup if it is knocked over.

After the Frisbee is caught or missed the opposing team then throws at the other teams stick/cup.

Scoring/drinking:

You must catch the Frisbee when thrown. If you do not, the other team is awarded one point. If the Frisbee is deemed uncatchable no points will be awarded. When you drop/miss a Frisbee your team drinks. You just gave the other team points. How does that feel?

When the Frisbee hits the stick you must catch the rebound or else the other team gets the point. Also, you may want to focus on catching the cup too, cuz if that hits the ground that’s 2 points to the other team. That would be a 3 point play. Oh, and you drink.

Should a Frisbee strike the cup directly (not hitting the stick) and you do not catch the cup, that is 4 points for the cup. And a drink. If you miss the Frisbee too, that is another point and a drink. For a total of a 5 point play.

The Frisbee is deemed live until it comes to rest, you may not catch it in front of your stick. If it rolls on the ground up to your stick, strikes the stick and knocks the cup off and you don’t catch the cup, that is only 2 points because the Frisbee was uncatchable. But you still drink

So a good cheat sheet is this:
Frisbee miss = 1 point
Cup miss = 2 points
Direct hit on cup and dropped = 4 points.

A dropped/missed Frisbee is always added on to the cup totals.

Last rule, when passing the Frisbee between partners you are not allowed to hand the Frisbee off. You must toss it, or drop it into their hands but the two of you are not allowed to touch it at the same time. If you drop it, you drink. Sometimes in runaway games we would drop it intentionally just to wet our whistles.

For those of you confused here are some pictures:
click all pictures pop to larger clearer photos.


Waffle Main
here is the main setup for Waffle.

Waffle Stop
here's me making a nonchalant grab of the cup while the goalie lets the frisbee fly past.

Waffle Points
here's the cousin trying to make a save at the cup (he fails) and brother doing god only knows what.

Sick Money
here's cousin making a sick ass save of the cup. and brother letting the frisbee drop


Money Dig
here's cousin digging hard trying not to let that point score

Waffail
here's cousin failing.

as much as I am hacking on him right now, Cousin is by far the most superior waffle defender I've ever witnessed. Just sayin'.

21 comments:

So@24 said...

I always played it as "Kill, Fuck, or Marry"

Damn.

Your way is way more manlier than mine... why is that not surprising?

And Chud, for fuck's sake, stay off my blog. It's not meant for guy's with your hilarious caliber.

Drunken Chud said...

i dunno, kill fuck or marry could be just as scary.

Joe C said...

I'm glad Bernie's chest was able to make an appearance. We should take him to a pet groomer to get that shit under control.

Kezza said...

Oh man - I've got to get into some of this waffle action. I can see this game replacing our family christmas impormtu cricket matches. Waffle is all the fun with twice the beer! Pure brilliance!

Chud, I honestly think you should be awarded for your excellent service. The contributions made to society through your blog are beyond compare!

Scooter said...

Kill Louie Anderson. Kill him dead, with fire.

Blow Marlon Brando circa 1997. Hell, it's the fucking Godfather.

Fuck Ruth Bader Ginsburg. If I could possibly get it up, that is.

Waffle looks good. I have two acres in the back... we could set up a court between the vegetable garden and the orchard.

Drunken Chud said...

joe, i so couldn't let that amazing display of folicular superiority go to waste.

Kezza, i just learned the rules and intracacies of cricket on my last cruise and i have to say i do want to play it. however, having learned that some cricket matches can go on for 5 days, i'd suggest waffle as a quick alternative for getting drunk.

scoots, the best part of waffle is don't need 2 acres. you need 30-40 feet of line of site land. and good call on killing louie. but i'd have fucked brando just to say i fucked the godfather, and slurp up on ginsburg... for my country... you know, women of power. mmmm.

Kristin said...

I want to just sit around, drink and play cards. Sounds perfect. Almost. Except for the no sexing bit.

Zen Wizard said...

Looks like you lost a bunch of weight!

(Appropos of nothing...)

That "Suck, Fuck or Kill" sounds pretty hard.

I would probably fuck Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I know I would not KILL her because we need that liberal vote on the court.

Unless WE are going to turn into Communist Canada, where they pay YOU to get an abortion but they take 75% of your check to protect the Spotted Lesbian Snail Darter and make sure every child knows how to recite at least three Wiccan spells before they are 8.

I guess that means I have to blow Louie Anderson or Marlon Brando circa the late Nineties?

It would be easier if they could blow YOU! Then I would pick Brando 'cause he looked like he would give a good hummer.

But the way I think it works, I guess I would have to "kill" Brando because he has so few years left anyway.

Sheesh...the cellulite thighs that would await.

To paraphrase Brando's Colonel Kurtz, "The horror...the horror..."

Scooter said...

Chud, I am sorry you were not invited to Joe's barbecue. Indeed, I am so sorry, that I am not even going to ask Joe before telling you of our plans to go to the Toledo Zoo on the ninth of August.

I think it would behoove you to ask Joe if you are welcome to come along with him on that trip. Hell, say you'll pay for half the gas to get there, or some shit.

Joe C said...

I wasn't in on the planning of the Zoo trip. That's on Scooter and Stephinator. Don't blame me for that one.

Drunken Chud said...

kristin, it is. except or that.

zen i don't know if i have or not, i haven't stepped on a scale in a while. however, i guess i could bang ginburg. but really, i like the power of going down on her. i mean, her pleasure is in your hands. or tongue as it were.

scoots. worry not. i'm not actually upset, i just felt like being a rabble rouser. and a zoo trip? could be fun.

joe, i blame xenu. the bastert.

Zen Wizard said...

Since I have a five-inch tongue, I would do little tongue flicks on RBG and just when she was about to girl-gush I would stop and make her promise not to overturn Roe v. Wade.

I can't decide whether I would rather cornhole Brando circa 1997 or Louie Anderson circa 1999.

On Anderson, in addition to the cellulite, I would be turned off by the anemic pallor.

It's anyone's guess but I would think the negative olfactory input on Brando's and Anderson's asses would be about the same.

Brando ate a lot of Oriental food, so if he curry-farted, I mean, that would just be the end of it, right there.

Zen Wizard said...

I am probably over-thinking this, but who would want to "talk and cuddle" less after you did them?

Louie Anderson or Brando?

Less is more, in this case...

( . )( . ) said...

Looks like you had a great time away. I will have to try this waffle game. Looks excellent. Something I could give a good go!

Drunken Chud said...

zen, you're definately over thinking it. this isn't fuck(and cuddle), suck and kill. no, this is straight prison rules sex. no cuddling, no talking, just dirty man sex and tears.

(.)(.), it is super easy, and super fun. it sounds complicated at first, but really, it's just catch... with an objective. heh.

Zen Wizard said...

Okay give us a new, easier one.

(That one was too hard.)

Rev said...

Far be it from me to suggest that you break your "once in a fucking while" posting schedule...but I think a review of The Dark Knight is in order.

You know why.

Drunken Chud said...

ok, zen: Nicole Eggert (baywatch era), Steve McQueen (bullitt era), and Humphry Bogart (Casablanca era)

rev, meh. i don't find it postworthy. just sayin.

Rev said...

That's exactly why it IS. Everyone else is jerking off over it.

Zen Wizard said...

Dang--

Fuck nicole eggert.

I'm stumped after that.

Humphrey Bogart and steve mcqueen were both cocky bastards--could you just PUNCH them??

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You sound like you'd be good at that game. I did a blog about the game. You can find it if you search Mr. T., Mr. Clean, and Mr. Rogers. If memory serves, I fucked Mr. T, killed Mr. Clean, and married the loveable Mr. Rogers. I do recall one commenter saying she'd fuck Mr. Clean's sparkly ass. That was hot.

I think you and I would dominate that game. Everyone else would feel so unfunny, unless Zen was playing too.

Ooooh, we should play that game only ABOUT certain bloggers . . .