Chud's World

Really? What's the point? NSFW

2008-12-04T16:55:00.003-05:00

So, I was just watching some porn. As many of you know my favorite porn is lesbian porn. Why? Cuz dudes just fuck it up. They say something stupid like, "Yeah, who's my little cumslut?!" and "yeah! take it all!" Which is fine and well if the girl is a $5 hooker from the Brewster Projects. But with lezzie porn you get chicks actually getting off, with no dude balls getting in the way of my hard on and in general doing some freaky ass shit to each other.

It's kind of funny cuz there's generally no power struggle, just: you do me, then I'll do her, while she's doing you. However, the altruistic nature of Lesbian porn is not what made me get on here and make this post. Something I saw made me go, "hmm?"

Picture this: Chasey Lain and two other colleagues are in a bath tub. One girl is in the middle going down on the other girl while Chasey sits on the edge of the tub and masturbates. Quick jump edit and girl 1 is on her back and girl 2 has a strap on, ALRIGHT! Then, this is where things get a little pear shaped, she goes ANAL with the strap on. really? REALLY?

What's the point of anal in a lezzie production? It serves no purpose. I mean, anal is generally for the guy. I know, some chicks dig anal. I've dated a couple that do. But I honestly couldn't picture them being with a chick and asking her to go anal with a strap on. It seems counter productive, and really, a lame attempt at trying to grab the anal lovers who just might be watching the lez pron.

Now, I've seen butt plugs and all that shit used, but as the primary source of pleasure, I've never seen strap on anal. No, one exception; I was watching some lezzie Fem Dom porn and she went strap on anal. But, she was dominating her and the girl was tied up with a ball gag in her mouth, she then took out the gag and went ATM on the young submissive. That's the shit you expect from BDSM pron. In this instance it was uncalled for and wholly unappreciated.

------

For those of you not in the know, you need to watch the trailer for "black dynomite"

There are two more on this page. the first one is awesome, the second one is lame

Scooter

2008-11-09T21:13:00.005-05:00

Scooter and I don't see eye to eye a lot. This is one of those times. I asked him what exactly it is that W screwed up. Since most people are just content to blame everything from Katrina to the economy on him, I wanted specifics. Here is his original comment for those too lazy to click on the post below to read the comment.

"Well, his partial privatization of social security scheme went over like a dead skunk on a Thanksgiving platter.

His deregulation of wall street, enacted by congress, has come to bite us on the ass.

Iraq's strategy was a piece of shit until after the 2006 elections, when he started listening to what people like John McCain were saying.

It doesn't help that he's socially awkward and says things that are inappropriate. I think he is mildly autistic. Kim doesn't want to give him that much credit.

The partial privatization was a great idea. I think total privatization is needed and the gub needs to keep their hands off. Anyway.

The deregulation of Wall Street is biting us in the ass how? Last I checked it was the financial sector that was failing. And in the entirety of his tenure he never once deregulated the financial sector. In fact with the addition of Sarbanes-Oxley he actually put in place financial and Wall Street regulations to help protect investors from accounting scandals. On top of that the current housing/lending/financial crisis dates back to carter, then picked up again by Clinton. Allow me to explain:

The community reinvestment act of 1977 told the banks that received FDIC money they had to lend to low and moderate-income borrowers. People deemed too high risk for the taste of the banks. It went largely unnoticed throughout the 80s and then in 1993 Billy Boy wanted to ease up the paperwork, deregulate the industry, and "improve" the CRA, Thus creating the Subprime market. When the bill was enacted there were many critics. Basically it eased up the lending restrictions and told lenders that they HAD to lend to people who most likely can't pay back their loans.

Look at the time after 1995. Lenders started lending 100% uncapitalized loans. When you don't need to come in with any money down, how can you be expected to do everything in your power to repay your loan? You stand to lose nothing. It’s like walking away from an apartment. Aside from that, what the act truly did was falsely inflated the market. When you have a 2.5 million homes for sale and 1.9 million buyers you can count on housing values to continue to increase at a standard trend as it has done for decades. Now, along comes the CRA and now your purchaser pool has just tripled. Now you have 2.5 million homes for sale and 5.7 million buyers. So, housing prices artificially inflate due to a glut in buyers, and a willingness to pay more than the house is worth. In real estate they teach you that a house is worth what the market will bear. When you suddenly drive up housing prices by creating the glut of buyers you create an unstable situation that cannot be sustained. People bought houses over and above what they should have. Builders were scrambling to build new neighborhoods at a rate that was staggering to behold, and builders just kept popping up. New home sales at one point actually passed existing home sales in this area, times were going so good. Then, reality had to set in.

See, the way lending works, is that a lender loans the money. In an amazing act of benevolence Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac like to buy up those loans from the banks. Aren’t they nice little semi private institutions? THEN, in another even more amazing act of benevolence in 1997, $384.6 million of CRA Loans were offered up as securities. Those very securities were guaranteed by Freddie Mac and had an implied "AAA" rating. The public offering was several times oversubscribed, by money managers and insurance companies (read: AIG).

So, with artificially inflated housing prices, deregulated lending practices and constant republican harping to rein in Fanny/Freddie, and lenders screaming that people were defaulting on loans the gubmint told them they had to make, and fanny/Freddie realizing that the loans they bought and secured were all bunk due to the high rate of default we end up where we are. A busted housing bubble, people "upside down" in their mortgages and a record number of vacancies and foreclosures. Why did we have to bail out Fannie/Freddie? Cuz the Dems needed to cover their asses. Why did we bail out AIG? That one, I still don't agree with but since they owned a significant amount of CRA securities guaranteed by Fanny/Freddie I guess the Dems felt they owed it to them. BTW, Fanny/Freddie both created by Dems.

On March 8th 1995, before the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit Committee on Banking and Financial Services United States Senate, William A. Niskanen chairman of the CATO institute had some choice words to say,

The Community Reinvestment Act should be repealed--not reformed or restricted but repealed! For no conceivable set of regulations on a bank is consistent with the objective of the Act to meet "the credit needs of its entire community, including low- and moderate-income neighborhoods, consistent with safe and sound operation of such institution."

... The proposed new regulations would be very costly to the economy, to the banking system, and to the communities they serve... The primary long term effect of such measures would be to further contract the banking system,(emphasis mine) increasing the number of neighborhoods dependent on check cashing outlets and pawnshops.

The Community Reinvestment Act was the wrong solution to a genuine problem, for the most part created by other government regulations. Until recently, federal restrictions on interstate banking and state restrictions on intrastate branching severely restricted bank competition in local markets and the potential for geographic diversity of loan portfolios. These restrictions have been substantially reduced, promising a more competitive banking system that is more responsive to the interests of both depositors and borrowers and less vulnerable to adverse economic conditions in specific regions. Another effect of considerable importance: competition among banks is also the best discipline on discrimination among loan applicants on any basis other than credit risk.

Don't try to fix the Community Reinvestment Act. It can't be done. Repeal it.

Boy, did the press lambast him. Turns out, the man was right.

As far as Iraq the strategy worked. We unseated the government and beat the army. Unfortunately the Geneva Conventions stop us from being able to break the will of the people and then build them back up. Instead we have to take a kid gloves approach and have congress second-guess every move and the media and populace give their insight. As though they're qualified. If you've got a better strategy then I suggest you go to the next meeting of the JCS.

As for awkwardness, meh. Unimportant. It gave some comedians a good 8 years of material. And THAT is good for the economy.

On January 20th 1981 a very wise man had this to say,

In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we've been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price.

We've come a long way haven't we...

Stupid is as stupid does.

2008-11-05T04:51:00.002-05:00

Reap what you sow people.

reap it.

i am dissappointed in my fellow Americans right now.

BTW, i hope you're all good with paying for me, since i don't pay income taxes. i appreciate your hard earned money.

kthxbai.

Olympic Fever

2008-08-19T03:09:00.003-04:00

this is a shortie. but, we all know olympic boxing scoring has been fucked since 1988. the new gymnastics scoring is bullshit. seriously, a flawless, clearly more difficult routine has to share the lead with a 12 yr old who can't stick a landing? and then be relegated to silver due to judge scoring. Nastia never scored below 8.9 on execution but the chinese girl did. yet she gets gold? fuck that. also, when did softball and baseball at the olympic level become little league with all the mercy rules? that's bullshit. if guam can beat up on the congo in a 100-1 route, then i say let them. i bet the next time congo either fields a team with competent people or they don't enter at all.

but now we must move to my most hated change... volleyball. you no longer have to win the serve to make a point, no, you just have to do anything that would be considered a point and guess what, you get a point. fucking horseshit. i miss volleyball (especially beach, and not for the reasons you think, but the fact that i find two people making it more competitive than 5-6 people can.) matches that went on for quite some time. gabby reese got me into beach v-ball waaaay back when. i have been an avid follower since. seriously, croc's pro tour, i'm watchin it. worlds... yep. all that shit, i love to watch this shit. it's the only women's sport i find more entertaining than men's.

if you can't tell this post is a drunken post. any spelling grammar corrections should be sent to anybody you see in the comment section that isn't me.
----------
and now a few links (all pop):

seriously, her ac/dc is not amazing. but it could be.

make your own warning labels? ok.

uhh... physics kid.

seriously, if you don't wast hours reading this, then i have no idea why you're reading me.

Gimp?

2008-07-17T18:13:00.005-04:00

Ahh back from the land of socialism again. So I just got back from spending eight days in Canadialand. I do look forward to this vacation every year. I mean it’s the perfect vacation in that all we do is sit around the lake (Huron) and drink beers, play cards (pinochle, euchre and poker), golf everyday, and just plain relax. Seriously, it is the quintessential vacation. No running to meet deadlines, no rush to get here, or rush to see this or that, nothing. Breakfast at 8am lunch at 1230 and dinner at 6pm. Campfires at night where we let the little kids roast s’mores and we talk about shit that you shouldn’t talk about in front of kids.

The best campfire “game” we played was a wonderful tactical decision making game called “fuck, suck or kill”. In this game people are presented with 3 names of famous people, and they must decide which person they will fuck, which person they will go down on and which person they will kill. The trick is, when playing with gentlemen you must name two dudes and chick (that’s two guys and a girl). For example, I would look at Zen Wizard, Dr. Ken, Joe C, Rev, Scooter, and SO@24 and say: Marlon Brando circa 1997, Louie Anderson circa 1997 and Ruth Bader Ginsburg now. They would have to choose who to fuck, who to kill and who to go down own. I have to say in the entire week of playing the game I killed the woman off twice. Once was Oprah, the other was Kathy Bates. Seriously, I was justified.

So unlike last year there was no sexing. Not a bit. I didn’t even get a chance to attempt a “cable guy”. Not that I was involved in the sexing of years past, it would still have been nice to see the tradition live on. There was almost some sexing from the Goalie, however, it didn’t pan out.

On the morning of Cousin’s birthday we had the annual “Staff vs. Guests” softball game, which we all take a little too seriously. After spending a couple innings covering basically the entire outfield I decided to move to the infield as our 3rd baseman was useless. So after laying out for a ball the pitcher should have fielded and trying to get up to hustle back to 3rd I thought it would be a grand idea to blow out my knee. So, I did. And now I’m walking with a cane. Yay me! So that sucked.

However one really good thing did come out of this vacation, and that is an introduction to the game of “waffle”. Waffle is a magical and mysterious game of unknown origins. It was learned by a pair of girls in St. Louis by mysterious strangers and they in turn taught Cousin and Goalie down in Florida who in turn spread it to the campus of Ferris State and then to the Eastern Banks of Lake Huron in Canadialand. No on is quite sure of the reason for the name. Some have hypothesized that it was named as such do the fact that French Toast was taken. Others still have surmised that the name was derived from a drunken New Englander trying to saw “awful” and a drunken Midwesterner hearing “waffle”. And yet others contend the name is simply meant to be as fun as the game. Really, who doesn’t smile when they think of waffles? So, I ask you readers, are you ready to learn the rules of the next big thing? Are you?! Well, then read on:
What you need:

Four people
2 hockey sticks. Cut the blades off and cut a point into the stub you just cut. This makes for hammering them into the ground a little easier. Also, you’ll want to take some hockey tape, or duct tape and add a decent sized nub to the top. Basically, just keep taping around the shaft at the top so you can have a ring the size of a silver dollar.

A good supply of party cups. 16 oz. Not clear.

A Frisbee

A bucket of water

A good supply of beers/mixed drinks.

Setup:

Take the hockey sticks and place them about 10 paces apart. Hammer them into the ground using a rock, or whatever you have handy. Fill two party cups to the first substantial line with water. You will use the bucket of water for this. Not the little baby line ¼ inch from the bottom. The beer pong line. And balance the cups on the ends of the hockey sticks.

Game play:

The game is played to 21. First to 21 wins. Not by two. Straight up.

You must always have a drink in your hand. At all times. Always. Period. This game is played one handed.

Divide into teams of two and choose a side. You and your partner play from the same side. Flip a coin to see which team goes first. If you don’t have a coin, flip the Frisbee.

Starting from behind your stick one person throws the Frisbee at the other team’s stick/cup in an attempt to knock the cup over.

Standing behind their stick the opposing team attempts to catch the Frisbee and the cup if it is knocked over.

After the Frisbee is caught or missed the opposing team then throws at the other teams stick/cup.

Scoring/drinking:

You must catch the Frisbee when thrown. If you do not, the other team is awarded one point. If the Frisbee is deemed uncatchable no points will be awarded. When you drop/miss a Frisbee your team drinks. You just gave the other team points. How does that feel?

When the Frisbee hits the stick you must catch the rebound or else the other team gets the point. Also, you may want to focus on catching the cup too, cuz if that hits the ground that’s 2 points to the other team. That would be a 3 point play. Oh, and you drink.

Should a Frisbee strike the cup directly (not hitting the stick) and you do not catch the cup, that is 4 points for the cup. And a drink. If you miss the Frisbee too, that is another point and a drink. For a total of a 5 point play.

The Frisbee is deemed live until it comes to rest, you may not catch it in front of your stick. If it rolls on the ground up to your stick, strikes the stick and knocks the cup off and you don’t catch the cup, that is only 2 points because the Frisbee was uncatchable. But you still drink

So a good cheat sheet is this:
Frisbee miss = 1 point
Cup miss = 2 points
Direct hit on cup and dropped = 4 points.

A dropped/missed Frisbee is always added on to the cup totals.

Last rule, when passing the Frisbee between partners you are not allowed to hand the Frisbee off. You must toss it, or drop it into their hands but the two of you are not allowed to touch it at the same time. If you drop it, you drink. Sometimes in runaway games we would drop it intentionally just to wet our whistles.

For those of you confused here are some pictures:
click all pictures pop to larger clearer photos.

here is the main setup for Waffle.

here's me making a nonchalant grab of the cup while the goalie lets the frisbee fly past.

here's the cousin trying to make a save at the cup (he fails) and brother doing god only knows what.

here's cousin making a sick ass save of the cup. and brother letting the frisbee drop

here's cousin digging hard trying not to let that point score

here's cousin failing.

as much as I am hacking on him right now, Cousin is by far the most superior waffle defender I've ever witnessed. Just sayin'.

You too Can be a Jukebox Terrorist

2008-06-21T20:14:00.002-04:00

So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:

Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20

Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05

Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37

I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58

Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54

The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07

November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54

Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45

Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32

American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37

Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08

Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05

Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32

Honorable mention:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.

The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.

Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.

Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.

Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.

Cruise Recap

2008-06-10T17:23:00.004-04:00

So we’ve been back from the cruise for a couple of weeks now and I figure you all want to know about the fun that was had whilst you all were toiling away at your daily grind. First of all we knew the trip was going to be going to be good when, at 5:30am after checking in and noticing that were leaving out of gate C-5, my cousin looks at me and says, “man, too bad we’re not leaving out C-4, cuz we are DYNOMITE!”. To which I had to hang my head and laugh at his corny ass joke, when, not a minute later as we were going through the security pre-screen I point out that we are not allowed to bring guns on the plane, Cwik stops and looks at us and oh so flatly says (while flexing),”But I can’t remove these guns.” Yeah, it was gonna be a good trip.

On the plane I’m pretty sure the old couple in front of us shat their pants twice. Seriously, farts do not linger that long. So, I tried sleeping on the flight which I just couldn’t do for some reason. It was Monday morning and I hadn’t been asleep since sometime Sunday morning. I caught about a 15 minute nap in the van to the port, but really, I was spent.

So in the process of checking in to the ship things started to really look up when four women started chatting us up, this was perfect, since you know, there was four of us and four of them. Anyhow, they became “Team Oklahoma” since, they were all from OK. Later on we’d find out that two were married and the other two were not in fact sluts. Dammit. So we got on the boat, and into the room and I straight fucking passed out till the boat drill.

The first night in the club Cousin and Brother tried wheeling a couple of chicks from Texas that straight shut ‘em down. Well, really they said, “maybe in a couple nights”. But that never happened. HOWEVER, a chick that I started working on, that I put in the time on, was in fact scooped by cousin and successfully closed the next night. She was Russian and hot, and my own cousin cock blocked me. MY OWN COUSIN. However, I tried my damndest the first night to cock block him back. I was mostly successful, but not successful enough. Meh, he earned it. Now he owes me one.

Other than that it was a really relaxing trip. We played some knock down drag out bingo, and I kicked some ass in lame trivia and won a plastic trophy. It actually came down to a tie breaker question, “What is the currency of South Africa?” I was blurting out “Rand!” before she even had time to look at me. WINNER! I was basically going around and trying to get all the free shit I could. I completely failed on getting my free art. I wanted to go get more trophies that I forgot about the free art and never tried to get it after that. Lame.

Anyhow, Cousin got laid, we all had fun, and then we missed our flight on Saturday. Why? Well, they had 8 customs agents trying to process the entire fucking ship. 8. 2000 people, eight agents. We were in line at 8:30am and didn’t clear customs till 11am. We managed to get to the airport by 11:30 for a 12:05 flight. Spirit would not let us check in. There was a big hullabaloo and we were pissed, they were completely unhelpful and we ended up waiting for 2 hours to talk to a supervisor who pretty much did nothing to help us. So we had to get new tickets and I had to cancel travel plans to Chicago due to missing a connecting flight, which meant I was out even more money since I had prepaid for the hotel. The upside? The 8:15 flight we got transferred to was delayed till 10:00 so we got to watch the first two periods of the Wings game in the airport bar. Yay! And apparently Corey Haim was heading to Lima, Peru. I was sleeping through that part, but I do have two product endorsements: those neck pillows, and the Bose Quiet Comort 2 head phones. Seriously, awesome.

Anyhow, since this post was pretty boring, I’ll leave you with a comic:

until i get a chance to edit that, here's the link: http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/drunkenchud/41563.png

ECHO!!! echo...

2008-05-14T16:32:00.002-04:00

So, it’s been quite some time since I posted last… yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s not that I haven’t had plenty of material to post, or the desire, I’ve just been drunk. Well mostly drunk, mostly lazy, completely highly unmotivated. Plenty of people have given me tons ‘o’ blog fodder, I have just lazed around like the shiftless layabout that I am and let it all pass by. Then I noticed that Kristin tagged me to talk about 6 completely unremarkable things about myself. This was perfect, now all the blog posts I had swirling around my head I can now truncate and put into one list post. WOOOOOHOOOOOO! So go get your bubblegum and hold on to your potatoes cuz here we go.

1. I play a lot of video games. Actually, that statement could be taken wrong, I play video games a lot. I usually find one I like and ride it till it dies. For the past several months this has been Call of Duty 4. I play it online with friends and family, so we tend to roll deep. Anyhow, it being the World Wide Web and all we play with a lot of foreigners. In general I like foreigners, except the ones I don’t. Up until playing this game I used to like the British. Now as soon as I hear one of those limey bastards talk I pray to god that they are on the other team so I can kick their snobbish asses. Here’s the thing I learned from the Brits: The U.S. has never won a war against Britain. In fact the ONLY reason we won the revolutionary war was thanks to the French. So when you ask them if they’ve ever lost a war to the French, the answer is also no. Oh, and they don’t even acknowledge the war of 1812. ALSO, the Brits had WWI and WWII completely under control by the time we came in, and thus we weren’t needed. You can try to reason with them by asking such things as, “So, when the Luftwaffe was turning London into rubble during the Blitz and Churchill was on the phone with Roosevelt begging for our help… that was you guys having under control?” the answer you will get is something about the Blitz never happening or it not being “that bad”. Anyway, my new goal is to convince the UK to back the Pound by sterling silver again and then I want to find an enormous silver deposit somewhere so I can flood the market with silver and this completely devalue the pound sterling. Yeah, I’m an evil genius. Or not.

2. My Buddy Rev and I used to run a website with another buddy of ours named Navy. This website used to feature local bands and the like. Anyhow, after Navy started making the beast with two backs with Rev’s on again off again Weird Al look alike girlfriend, a rift was born. I was away at college and those two weren’t talking to each other and I cared not. So Rev was still toiling away with the website when I came home and he had booked a radio gig through a friend of his. He tells me of the show and I told him that I in fact would tune and let him know how much of a douchenozzle he came across as. The topic of conversation on the show switched to “things that used to be cool on MTV” so I figured I’d call in and talk about two of my favorite things from back in the day; Headbangers Ball, and the old Dennis Leary Commercials about Cindy Crawford. When the phone screener answered I recognized the voice and the name of a kid I used to hang out with every day in high school. We (Rev, the Screener, and I) were all good friends back then, so I have him put my name up on the screens as “Navy, still humping rev’s ex”. While on hold you get to listen to the show and then there was a pause, and the host said to Rev, “dude, take a look at line three… you wanna take it?” to which Rev replied “bring it”. So I tried to do my best Navy impression and let out a “dude”. I could hear the tension in Rev’s voice as I tried to keep up the impression and then he realized it was me and the jig was up. But I had my 10 seconds of glory on live radio. Told you. Unremarkable.

3. A kid I grew up with has this girlfriend. She is hilarious and loves to toast, I like to call her “cheers”. The other thing she does is use me as a jungle gym. Seriously, her and her sister love to just climb all over me. If I pick up my beer, I must pick one of them up too. Anyway, her boyfriend’s brother was at the bar, and he and I were fucking around like we always do, and he decided to try to pick my up. I assured him this feat would land him in the hospital with herniated discs and the like. He tried his damndest but just could lift my tank ass up. So I turned around and picked his ass up into a fireman’s carry. Well, as soon as Cheers saw this she wanted in on the action. First she tried to lift me, then I put her into the fireman’s carry. Then, upon insistence from others around me and with my buddy spotting me, I pressed her. Man, alcohol makes feats of strength that much more fun.

4. My mom Tivo’s Oprah everyday. When I’m home, and she’s home, she likes to watch it. I hate Oprah with a passion. Seriously, I think she is 100% fake and completely insincere and doesn’t know how to emote. Anyhow, all this aside, I tend to hear the things being said on TV while I’m sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. This is a huge problem for me, as I have caught myself many times starting a sentence of with, “well, that’s not completely true, I mean, there are Oprah episodes dedicated to that.” Or “I just saw something about that on Oprah.” And right now as we speak she just walked in and turned on Oprah and the topic is polygamy. I need to go to work.

5. I like to Tivo the show “the universe”. It’s an awesome and educational show. Seriously, I recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the world around us, and the worlds around that. However, sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around the way they bandy certain things about as fact. They can surmise things, and hypothesize, and even be pretty sure about things. When when something is so far away that it is barely visible I submit that you cannot tell me all of the properties of said object having never been able to examine it. I understand there is a lot of math, and science that goes into it… but seriously, you cannot tell me the composition of a planet as a fact just by observing a gray speck on some film. I take issue with that. You can say, “we assume it to be X” not, “it IS X”. still though, great show.

6. I am now ½ hour late for work. By the time I get to work, I’ll be 45 minutes late. No one will care. I like my job.

So, there you have it. Unremarkability and all.

Ruining "Lola" One Person at a Time.

2008-03-31T02:24:00.004-04:00

Nelly: (listening to "Lola") dude, good song.

Me: Uhh, dude this song creeps me out.

Nelly: What? it's a good song.

Me: Dude it's about falling in love with a tranny.

Nelly: What the fuck?

Me: Dude, the line, "i know what i am i'm a man and so is my Lola" caps off the rest of the song and its overt lyrics about Lola being a man. seriously.

Nelly: (turning up the radio) "Well Im not dumb but I cant understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"

Me: See?

Nelly: (listening to the radio still) "Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy wont you come home with me
Well Im not the worlds most passionate guy..."

Me: ...

Nelly: (Still still listening) "Well I left home just a week before
And Id never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy Im gonna make you a man"

Me: see, he still hasn't kissed a woman. she's a man MAN.

Radio: "Well Im not the worlds most masculine man
But I know what I am I'm a man
And so is lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"

Nelly: Thanks for ruining a good song for me asshole. Now whenever I hear this song I'll forever be upset.

Me: Well, it's a song about a guy who falls in love with a girl an finds out she's a man, and is ok with it. Oldest love story in the book. Uhhh, sorry dude.

Hungry eyes

2008-03-03T05:46:00.003-05:00

you haven't lived till you've drunkenly pulled off the lift from dirty dancing to the song "hungry eyes" in a packed bar to a standing ovation.

a bit of warning though, every girl who thinks they are sveldt yet who is considerably less than, will try to get you to do the lift with them. i find that saying you have bad shoulders (which i actually do) works out (even if they aren't bothering you). seriously, i'm a big guy, and i've got some brute strength, but the girl i was lifting was small enough that i could get her up to full arm extension with a little help from her, but the other girls wanting to be "baby" for a hot second... shit, i'd have needed the exoskeleton from alien.

however, i will say to any women trying to do said lift, DO NOT JUST TRY TO JUMP UP. seriously, if you just try to jump as high as you can all we as the guy are doing is trying to slow your fall and then lift you against that momentum. this equals failure. you have to seriously try to jump at our foreheads. i mean really try to jump at our foreheads. seriously aim to try to tackle our hairline. then, and only then can we make it look fluid. just a tip. we may be strong, but when you are dead weight, or working counter to physics, it can suck. so, that's my tip.

p.s. nobody puts baby in a corner.

Hahaha! FAT Tuesday! I GET IT. ASS.

2008-02-09T07:12:00.000-05:00

So, it’s been a while. This drunken haze emergence is a process that sometimes takes until after St. Patrick’s Day. So, the 5th was my birthday and I had an extremely lofty goal: to army crawl home due to severe intoxication. So, the night started out easy enough, Rev and The Doctor came to pick me up and I was not at all ready, in fact I was still playing video games. Hey, it was my birthday, I’m allowed some latitude. So, upon my arrival to the bar, the bartendress bought me my birthday shot, jack, my favorite. So, then EVERYONE got in on that gag. Buy shots for Chud, he’ll drink anything! He likes it! Hey Chuddy, he likes it!

Well, I did like it. apparently a little too much. Shots kept coming, and someone dared me to do a rail* of pepper. I think it became elevated to double dog dare status (faaar too quickly for standard dare protocol if you ask me though) and thusly as per man code, I rolled up a bill and snorted that rail like it was coke and the bar was a hooker’s ass. Needless to say it didn’t go so well. I started snotting and itching and more or less had to blow my nose. And by more or less, I mean more. Then less. Then more again. It was funny really, the tissue was full of snot and pepper. Which I seriously don’t recommend using a spice combo in your next meal. Wholly unappetizing in appearance. Someone had the great idea to play beer pong, which I am a champ. HOWEVER, this was not the case this night as I had seriously degraded motor skills due to many beers and many shots. So we didn’t win any games, yippee shit. I did however go all Cloverfield (Godzilla) on the beer pong cups dashing them asunder whilst flailing my arms wildly like some lunatic that flails his arms wildly. Then I am told I did a pelvic thrust to the table to overturn it. I know I got a lot handsy with some of the girls and may have been yelling “it’s my birthday AND Mardi Gras! I wanna see some titties!” while trying to goad girls into flashing with some “bud bowl” beads. Yeah, I’m all class.

So, to recap for the night:
Beer pong table: 0
Chud: eleventy billion
Titties: 0

Post Script (oooh, how pretentious i spelled it out!), I did not in fact "Army crawl" home, no one would let me. Though I have been told that it was debated to throw me in the bed of a truck and laugh as I lolled about as they drove home. lucky for me, the opted for letting me in the passenger seat. Or so I was told.

... and never brought to light.

2008-01-19T06:42:00.000-05:00

So I am slowly emerging from my annual cycle of drunkenness which I call my “hazy shade of winter”. Around this time every year I, for some odd reason, crawl into many many bottles and hide out there for about a month. Destructive? Perhaps. Fun? Oh hell yes. Well, from what I remember anyhow.

So, I got sick Christmas day, and not the brown bottle flu type sick. This was some traveling misery bug that started somewhere in my lungs and then for the next 2 weeks worked its way up and down my head/respiratory system. Come New Year’s Eve I had smoked one cigarette and drank two beers since Christmas Eve/Day respectively.

New Year’s Eve was spent at a bar that I personally think is less than lackluster, however, I had a bunch of friends there and really, anytime you can walk into any bar and know 70% of the people is always a good thing. However, the service sucked, the price was horrible yet I somehow managed to find a purple cowboy hat that was a few sizes too small and thusly rocked it, albeit at a jaunty angle. Cuz, well, that’s how I roll. Also, at the end of the night I was calling competing cab companies to see who would get to the bar first so as to save me a walk. I know not who won, as I left with a lovely woman who had her boyfriend in the backseat. Anyhow, I awoke to some nasty voicemails from some cab companies. Fuck em, they’re a bunch of rip off artists anyhow.

So, I was watching a TV show earlier in which there were statistics about rape, and rape victims. This got my blood boiling. It hits a special place in my brain and makes me want to commit many many interstate crimes which would lead to a federal case in which I’d have to plead long term temporary insanity due to the vile and psychotic act perpetrated on a loved one. The sad thing is, given the circumstances, I’m sure I’d be found not guilty. However, without going into trust defying horrific detail, I got to thinking about things that get me that mad. There are several things that get me doghammering mad, but only two that get me blood boiling mad.

So, now for my list of shit that gets me going:

5. People who vote for a candidate based on their stance on abortion. I’m sorry, but I thought this was decided on by the supreme court… THUS MAKING IT LEGAL PRECEDENT! Hey, asshole, why not vote based on their feelings on Brown v. Board of Education, or better yet, Miranda v. Arizona. They all have the same chance of being overturned as Roe v. Wade.

T4. Underground Comedy Movie/Michael Moore. Both are fake, not worth watching, and chronically over-hyped. You will find yourself yelling “cut!” in the middle of scenes and then crying in your pillow at night for subjecting your eyeballs to the horrors that be. Yeah, this critique works for both the aforementioned movie and the aforementioned rabble rousing neo lib.

3. unions. I think I have covered this one whole heartedly.

And now, for the blood boiling mad makers:

2. When I hear Nickleback’s “never again” I begin to get worked into a fervor. Without divulging any details which could be used against me, let us just say I had a couple of friends who got married. One decided to beat the other till she needed reconstructive surgery. SOMEONE beat him till he was unconscious for a month. With the baseball bat he tried to attack said SOMEONE with. I do not know who SOMEONE is… I only heard of this thirdhand.

1. Any tales of rape. I had a former ex, the previously mentioned loved one in the main post. She was a genius, and a beauty. The two things I needed in a woman. Unfortunately I couldn’t heal her pain, or comprehend it. Eventually she had to do what she had to do, and that didn’t involve me. I still think about her, and I still get insanely mad when I think about what happened to her. She confided in me one day, about the sheer brutality of the event. This was not your normal rape, this involved damn near attempted murder/ assault with intent. One day my good buddy (her ex) had mentioned to me that she was a bit of a tease and most likely brought it on herself. I’m not entirely sure what happened next, though I know I flew into a blind rage and scared the ever loving shit out of him. She later explained to me that she had never told him the details. He never spoke to me again. Her, I miss.

wtf...

2007-12-24T05:28:00.000-05:00

ever have one of those weeks where everytime you think you have some alone time to jerk off you are suddenly interrupted by seemingly important yet unimportant phone calls, people coming through the door, being at work, or dawson's creek? yeah, it's been one of those weeks.

anyhow, that's all i got. the power is back on after a 17 hour shortage, most of the bars in the area were closed tonight so it was a big cluster fuck at the one bar that was open. holy shit, it looked like prime dining time on a friday in that bitch, on a sunday, at 1230am...

for those of you i like, click this link:

great little christmas ditty a capella even.

for those of you i am morally ambivalent to click this link:

ahh science. the true path to... wtf? oh right. zoltan!

if you don't know where you stand with me, then this link is for you:

this might be NSFW. and by might, i mean is.

and for those looking for some holiday cheer:

merry christmas

come to think of it, if you think i like you, only click on the top link. the second pisses me off the more i watch it. Merry Christmas everyone.

This is why i drink

2007-12-19T01:48:00.000-05:00

This is a completely sober conversation I had over IM tonight. I had stepped outside for a smoke, and came up with this idea. Please, enjoy my... insanity?

[00:57] Me: here's an odd question, is liquid hydrogen flamable?
[00:58] Scooter: Uh... I think it needs to be aerosolized to ignite, so no. Diesel fuel can't really catch fire that well...
[00:58] Me: dammit
[00:59] Scooter: Liquid hydrogen is the best way to TRANSPORT it, and I am sure you could make a liquid hydrogen BOMB, but I don't think you could have a pool of flaming liquid hydrogen.
[00:59] Me: how would one go about liquifying hydrogen?
[01:00] Scooter: I believe hydrogen needs to be very cold for it to condense, like oxygen or nitrogen. I might be wrong. But I think it involves cooling it and compressing it.
[01:01] Me: hrmm.
[01:02] Me: man, i wish you could be more definative on the liquid hydrogen being flammable or not.
[01:05] Scooter: I mean, it IS rocket fuel. It needs to be mixed with oxygen to burn. A pool of liquid hydrogen would warm up after a while, and assuming there was the correct air/fuel mixture, BANG.
[01:06] Me: i was just outside thinking how cool it would be to have a flamethrower to melt the snow instead of shovel. then i thought, fuck that, gas is too expensive. BUT THEN i thought, hey, it's snow. which is basically water. if i had a collection bin outside to collect the snow when it fell, then melt into water, then seperate it into water and hydrogen i could make flames with that, but in order to get it to really do the job, the hydrogen would need to be liquid so i could spread it, and it would stick and burn through the snow. then i would have an environmentally friendly snow removing flamethrower. ahh using the snow against itself.
[01:07] Scooter: ... the amount of electricity needed to start that process would power like, several city blocks for hours.
[01:08] Scooter: The gasoline is much cheaper, and considering how much coal would be burned to make the electricity, cleaner.
[01:09] Me: well, the heating process could be attained by using geothermal heating. so, that's not too bad. bury some pipes in the ground, pump water through, and up to the and around and back down would be my melting process.
[01:10] Me: so, the cost of an electric pump would be that big cost.
[01:11] Me: even if i just collected rain water throughout the year, save on the melting process.
[01:11] Me: it could be a gradual process all year. collect, seperate, store.
[01:12] Me: then, as the weather turns cold i could pack the tank in dry ice, and work on condensing and cooling it.
[01:12] Scooter: Uh... you would have to store it as compressed hydrogen, not liquid hydrogen. Liquid hydrogen boils off at about 1% of volume a day.
[01:13] Me: well, yeah, i'd store as a gass and compress only when needed.
[01:14] Me: of course, i could just use my geothermal idea and pull off the driveway, lay pipes at the surface, and lay the concrete over it, you know, to have a heated driveway.
[01:15] Scooter: That actually is a feature of some houses. Not nearly as cool as a hydrogen flame thrower, though.
[01:15] Me: I KNOW! seriously.
[01:15] Me: how awesome of a selling point would that be?
[01:16] Me: [homebuyer]uhh, ma'am what are those tanks behind the garage?
[realtor]well, the previous owner hated shoveling snow, so he created a year round water collection system that condenses hyrdrogen and oxygen and cools the hydrogen into a liquid in those tanks.
[homebuyer]uhh, what does that have to do with shoveling?
[realtor]well, when you hook the hoses and the gun up to this outlet here and click the little grill igniter here, you have a liquid hydrogen flamethrower.
[homebuyer] SOLD!
[homebuyers wife] uhh... but honey don't you think the kids...
[homebuyer aka man of the house] shut up woman, we're buying the house with the bult in flamethrower and that's final!
[01:20] Scooter: Yeah... I would probably invest in an iron fence, though... nothing ruins a snow removal session like your neighbor's house catching fire.
[01:20] Scooter: I think it actually could work.
[01:22] Me: well, i figure the hydrogen will burn up quickly, and at my house there's no real threat of burning anything else. you'd have to be one malicious motherfucker to burn down another house from my driveway. now, my own house... that would suck.
[01:22] Me: this is why smoking is good for you. you step outside, and reflect on shit, and come up with cooky ass ideas like this.
[01:23] Scooter: If I took up smoking, I would probably start a religion. I come up with enough crazy ideas already.
[01:23] Me: lol
[01:24] Scooter: Yeah, so... is it me, or do all seventeen of the assholes running for President suck like a Hoover?
[01:25] Me: i can't wait till i'm eligible to run.
[01:26] Me: or, maybe not a hoover, but a filmore?
[01:26] Me: rimshot
[01:27] Scooter: Ba dum, ching. I would vote for you, man. I am so sick of it all, you would at least be fun.
[01:27] Me: hahahahahahaha. yeah, no shit. "mr, dorton is it true..."
[01:28] Me: lemme cut you off there "ms. so and so", yes. it's probably true.
[01:28] Me: most of what you have heard about my past is most likely true, or has an element of truth to it.
[01:29] Me: now, can we proceed to the discovery process? and by that i mean, i need to discover if there are any hot ladies out there that are into fat guys. i'm talkin oval office sex ladies!
[01:31] Scooter: Wow. I think I should be the Vice President, though. You could visit Japan, like, monthly, Rev could be our first Secretary of state in clown makeup....
[01:32] Me: hahahahahahahahaha
[01:32] Scooter: I mean, what says "best presidency ever" like debauchery on the streets of Tokyo?
[01:33] Me: what a ticket that would be: staunch pro business conservative slash social liberal for president, and staunch anti business pro blah blah hippies blah for vice president.
[01:33] Me: oh, and the latter is the religious one.
[01:34] Scooter: Uh... I am not so much anti business as I am against immortal corporations.... Not so much in to the hippie dippie stuff either. I'd be spending most of my time explaining exactly what I am...
[01:35] Me: lol. true.
[01:35] Me: which would take a lot of the focus off my philandering.
[01:37] Scooter: Right, I could spend all my time boring the reporters to tears about the need to finance XYZ project with funds obtained in the flagenslouten act of 2023, while you are drilling Monica Lewinsky's successor into the carpet...
[01:38] Scooter: "Don't mind the moans, we have mice".
[01:39] Me: i bet we'd be the only single duo to ever run the white house and oeob.
[01:41] Scooter: Indeed. Ok, I need to be off to bed... you should try to design that rig of yours, eh? Patent that sucker.
[01:42] Me: no shit.
[01:43] Me: i bet getting UL approval would suck.
[01:44] Scooter: Indeed... flaming things generally are frowned upon at the UL...

yeah, so, a 47 minute long conversation about flamethrowers and running the country like a bachelor pad. now that the writers are on strike and all, hollywood just needs to sequester scooter and I. give me cigarettes and withhold the booze, and give scooter... no sleep, and we'll churn out ideas like it's our job. cuz it will be. of course once the writers strike ends, the ensuing drinking bender i would gon on would be one of legend. annals of history kind of epic. make "leaving las vegas" look like "the parent trap" kind of debauchery. where do i sign?

boys and guns

2007-12-05T04:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so to recap, I liked a movie, I disliked a movie, then… I went impromptu hunting. We had discussed the possibility of heading il norte, but nothing was concrete. So, at about 1030pm (2230 to my non 12 hour time friends) I headed to the ol’ watering hole where we hashed out the particulars about the coming days and decided to head to the north woods to be glorious hunter/gatherers. We did not kill any woodland dwelling animals, however, were we to classify our brain cells as woodland indigenous, we may have hit paydirt (with kdirt). So more or less, I was reassured why I I don’t have a girlfriend (apparently, they are a fun governor (not like an elected official, but more like a throttle governor)) so I spent the whole time fielding other peoples women folk calls since I had the only dependable phone in camp. Fuck, that. If I ever go again, I am getting certain numbers blocked from my shit. Seriously, fun governors doesn’t even begin to describe this shit. Anyhow, we saw no deer, we got drunk a lot, and we made poor decisions. Here are three very poor decisions. some set up: three of us, 180 acres, some mini propane tanks, a fire, and a rifle:

me, half full propane tank, 30-06. yeah, big boom.

yeah, it came out upside down, not sure why. half full tank, marlin 30-30.

the first one we did with a real rifle. 30-30 at about 30 yards. yeah, we're not smart.

oh yeah, if i waste one more night hitting on a lesbian i am gonna kill somebody. seriously, a whole night wasted at the bar over a woman who would rather munch some carpet, than have me munch hers. seriously, with all the lezzy pron i watch, you'd think i'd be able to key in on this shit. fuckin lezdar is out of whack.

Superbad

2007-11-25T06:44:00.000-05:00

So, today is my movie review day. why? fuck you that's why.

so Rev and I went to see "Hitman" today. seriously, if you like the games, see the movie. if you know nothing of the games, forget it, you'll be confused, the inside jokes won't make sense, and really the only redeeming thing will be that hot girl's tits. yeah, perfect titties. i wanted to nibble on them for about a month.

anyhow, the movie itself was good, and the elements they took from the games were great. they really took a lot of the best levels (read: the russian levels)and integrated them into the movie. i had to take a piss at one point, which means i missed my two favorite items from the games: the coin and the fiber wire. anyhow, i pissed, the movie ended, things were left unanswered, sequels were alluded to.

now, the afore mentioned Rev loaned me a copy of "Superbad" that is beyond the boundries of legal. it says that is property of sony pictures along the bottom. as far as i'm concerned, best part of the movie. seriously, everyone i knew built this movie up when it was in theaters, i finally see it, and i think i had about three laugh out loud moments. AND i was (am) drunk. there is nothing that occurs in this movie that i haven't seen in some incarnation ni another movie. aside from the period blood dance scene. but really, the movie made not laugh out loud, or in quiet, it made me sigh and wonder where my friends' taste in movies went. really, unless a couple more viewings change my opinion, i would give this movie a derivative 2 out of five. only because there were two fairly original scenes that have garnered it a 2. otherwise it would have earned a negative rating simply due to its' unoriginality. wow. i'm unimpressed.

Gotta pay the juice

2007-11-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

Me: How much you got on the game?
AC: I got $400 on Baltimore
Me: Why?
AC: I bet the opposite, everyone was taking Pittsburgh.
Me: You do know there’s a reason they’re taking Pit right?
AC: Yeah, but I bet the under and took the Ravens.
Me: (Steelers score again) You know you’re gonna lose right?
AC: Shut up

--

Rambo: Ragin’ thought she was my little sister.
Me: Nah, you’re tits aren’t big enough to be related to her. Hey, where you goin?

--

AC: Best case, I kiss my sister and pay the juice.
Me: (dying laughing as the Steelers score again.)
AC: COME ON!

--

Me: (to the 17 year old cook) Hey Zack, what’s your mom’s name? I forgot it after I got done fucking her last night.
Zack: OH! BURN!
Me: Wow, I don’t know where that came from. That was completely uncalled for.
Zack: Yeah, it kinda was.

--

On a related note, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I got home last night. I got nothin’.

--

As Many of you may know, as I have stated on here before, I am an ass man. A great ass, plus a nice set of stems, getaway sticks, or gams, really sets my heart a flutter. And I mean that in the literal sense, it actually makes my heart race, like a lion after prey. However, as of late, something new has started to happen, something… odd. Let me preface this by the fact that I have never in my life been a breast man. Ever. But lately, I find myself being drawn to them. And quite large ones. It is somewhat disconcerting as I know not how to control myself. I am constantly staring or fixated. However, I have worked up a theory about this: since most of the new bar staff is quite stacked, all of this is just some Pavlovian response to being served. So, when I see someone who has… matronly breasts, I get thirsty and lusty at the same time. The reason I came up with this is that the attraction to breasts, isn’t so much an attraction as a fixation, and doesn’t have the same physical effects on me. On the plus side, I’m not gonna be hurting for breasts to stare at for a while.

--

and now some fun links (all links pop):

this little girl gets OWNED!

why getting old sucks.

I think we did this when I was in high school… only we waited till the cars were closer.

not sure what he was trying to do, but it’s entertaining to me

drama

2007-10-26T03:35:00.001-04:00

Never in my life have I ever been privvy to so much drama over beer pong as I was tonight. First of all, beer pong is a 4 person game, period. If you don’t call winners (like any other bar game) you don’t get to play. So, a kid I know decided to start some drama against a guy I know because they wanted to play on a table that wasn’t theirs. No big deal, till it almost came to blows and I had to pull one of the guys out of the bar. No big shakes, I just wanted to play some pong. My partner managed to hook us up with some people that were previously deposed due to the drama aforementioned. This is where life gets fun; see Jason and I had won 3 games in a row (2 sans re-rack! Unheard of!) and were working on our 4th game (3rd without a re-rack) when some 40something year old came into our game and started talking all kinds of shit about the girl on the opposite team. He was saying her elbow was over the line… now, anyone who has ever left the town in which they live to go to college anytime between 1998-present knows that no such elbow rule exists. We didn’t care. The 4 of us were having a good time when grampa shit eater decided to try and piss on our parade. Most of what he said didn’t bother me till he tried to start a fight with the guy we were playing against. He has a wannabe cop buddy that likes to escalate situations (he was the keystone in drama part 1) that decided to try and weigh in on the situation. Fortunately for the bar, I don’t shit where I eat. We won the game, I got everyone out, and stuck around till everyone was out of the bar. I had to talk some sense into the manager who wanted to get rid of beer pong. I had to point out that thanks to pong Thursdays were bustling, however without it, the waitstaff hated Thursdays.

I hate people that want to shit on a good time. The people that started the drama were people who like to throw darts, and we are taking up the dart area. Yippee shit, get over it. I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than I enjoy a good walk home in the clean, brisk, autumn air to cleanse my thoughts and make me not want to knock some asshead’s teeth through his throat. The funniest thing is, the one guy I was most concerned about was the friend I pulled out of the bar earlier in the night. He’s only about 5’2” but trying to get that man out of the bar was a bigger chore than if he were twice the size. Fuckin wirey bastards.

Just Call Me Andrew Carnegie

2007-09-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

“DETROIT (AP) - Thousands of United Auto Workers walked off the job at GM plants around the country Monday in the first nationwide strike during auto contract negotiations since 1976.

UAW President Ron Gettelfinger said the union launched the strike after "one-sided negotiations" failed to reach an agreement.

"It was going to be General Motors' way at the expense of the workers," Gettelfinger said. "The company walked right up to the deadline like they really didn't care."

Workers walked off the job and began picketing Monday outside GM plants after the 11 a.m. UAW strike deadline passed. The UAW has 73,000 members who work for GM at 82 U.S. facilities, including assembly and parts plants and warehouses.

Included in the negotiations was a groundbreaking provision establishing a UAW-managed trust that will administer GM's retiree health care obligations. GM pushed hard for the trust - known as a Voluntary Employees Beneficiary Association, or VEBA - so it could move $51 billion in unfunded retiree health costs off its books. GM has nearly 339,000 retirees and surviving spouses.

"This strike is not about the VEBA in any way shape or form," Gettelfinger said at an afternoon news conference in Detroit.

"The No. 1 issue here is job security," Gettelfinger later said, adding that the union also was fighting to preserve workers' benefits.

Gettelfinger said the union and GM's management would return to the table later Monday.

GM spokesman Dan Flores said the automaker was disappointed in the UAW's decision to call a national strike.

"The bargaining involves complex, difficult issues that affect the job security of our U.S. work force and the long-term viability of the company," he said. "We remain fully committed to working with the UAW to develop solutions together to address the competitive challenges facing GM."

It remained to be seen what effect the strike would have on the automaker and consumers. The company has sufficient stocks of just about every product to withstand a short strike, according to Tom Libby, senior director of industry analysis for J.D. Power and Associates.

Worker Anita Ahrens burst into tears as hundreds of United Auto Workers streamed out of a GM plant in Janesville, Wis.

"Oh my God, here they come," said Ahrens, 39. "This is unreal."

Ahrens has seven years at the plant, where she works nights installing speakers in sport utility vehicles. She waited outside the building Monday for her husband, Ron Ahrens, who has worked there for 21 years.

The couple has three children, including a college freshman, and Ahrens worried about how they would pay their bills.

"This is horrible, but we're die-hard union, so we have to," Ahrens said. "We got a mortgage, two car payments and tons of freaking bills."

Gettelfinger said he believed the UAW's leadership owed "our membership an answer as to why they're out there."

"This is as serious as anything that any of us do," he said. "There's not one person on this stage ... that wanted to see these negotiations end in a strike. Who wins in a strike? But again, you can be pushed off a cliff, and that's what we feel like happened here."

Despite the strike, GM stock rose a penny to $34.95 in midday trading.” Taken from WXYZ.com
-

I have popped off about the unions before. Anyone who has read me long enough knows my stance. For any new readers unaware of my stance on most labor unions and the UAW specifically, I am a wonderful mix of Andrew Carnegie and Allan Pinkerton. For my overseas readers that means I am violently opposed to them and wish them great bodily harm resulting in death and or dismemberment.

So today I turned on the TV to have what I thought was going to be a severe weather alert or amber alert crawling across the screen. Instead it was informing that the over paid whiney bitches of the UAW have initiated a nationwide strike. The funny/great/amusing thing is that they did this at the most inopportune time to make their point. The Michigan unemployment rate as of August was at 7.4% which is a .4% increase for the year, with a combined loss of 56,000 jobs over the past year (source). This is what happens when people with a high school education at best are put in charge of a labor union. What they fail to realize is that there is a glut of people willing to do their jobs for much less than they the union lazy asses are being paid. If GM is smart, they will simply cut their losses, break from the union, and hire all scab labor. Tell everyone who wants to come back to fuck off. They made their bed, time to lay in it.

GM has been steadily losing market share over the years due to the fact they can’t price their cars into the market the way the foreign auto makers can. Why? Because some swingin dick off the street can walk onto the assembly line with nothing more than an elementary education for $18/hr plus full benefits to push a button or turn a couple screws. That’s the STARTING wage. While most of the Asian auto makers have plants in America they do this to avoid an AMAZINGLY large tariff placed on foreign manufacturers that do not have a working plant in the US. So by building an entire line of cars in one plant in Tennessee or any other “right to work” state, allows them to import 10 other lines of cars without paying a tariff and thus price their shit so competitively low that the US auto makers can’t keep up. The overhead in payroll and pensions and health care alone make it near impossible for us to price in the range of Kia and Toyota or Honda.

The children at the UAW don’t understand this, all they want is “more more more”. They say this whole thing is about “job security”, but as far as I can see, and hope, is that they just shot themselves in the foot. While I make great money delivering pizzas if GM offered me $13/hr plus minimum benefits to jump on their line, guess who’d be turning a screw or pushing a button? This guy. It’d be a pay cut, but I’d have benefits and weekends off.

All I have to say is, Ron Gettelfinger I thank you for helping deal this death knell to the one organization that has been slowly killing this region over the last 6 years due to their collective greed and gross incompetence. You sir, are a true American. Plus, when all these assholes finally lose their jobs the housing market alone will explode even more than it is. While this will drive housing prices lower in some regions but hey, this will allow first time home buyers a chance to own at a lower price in a better area. Man, I wish everybody had my crystal ball, the world would be a great place then. Anyhow, fuck the UAW, if GM wants to hire me in an Allan Pinkerton-esque role, I would be more than happy to appease. Viva Detroit!

Marriage and the Modern Drunkard.

2007-09-16T12:03:00.000-04:00

So last night was a wedding. While I missed the ceremony due to other commitments I did not however miss the reception. And what a reception it was. The plethora of hot women was grossly offset by the fact that they were all taken. The bride looked beautiful, but then again, when don’t brides look beautiful? Well, I guess if you’re a fat ugly girl there’s little to no chance of you looking beautiful on your wedding night. So, sucks to be a fat ugly girl, luckily, this was not the case.

Anyhow, the wedding was for a couple of people we bowled with last year and they invited a bunch of people from the league. Now, I know I’ve spoke of this league before as it is my annual drinking league in which we all get cruises or trips to Vegas. It’s a fun league and a very, very, active beer league. Anyhow, what this is leading is the debauchery that went down. First of all they placed the three tables of league people right up next to the bar. Smart couple they are… I think they’re gonna make. Lucky kids.

So we all realize that hey, we’re all here, let the shenanigans begin. I got up to the bar and noticed that the scotch on hand was not Lauders, or Cutty Sark, but in fact Dewar’s White Label (I still maintain that Dewar’s is pronounced DeWHAR’s, not dooers). Not top shelf, but not J&B either. So, I order scotch, rocks. And I’m pretty sure by the end of the night I had finished the bottle. I know I was the only one drinking off the bottle as it was easy to note my progress every time he poured me a glass. I’m pretty sure he emptied the bottle on me at last call. Then, I’m pretty sure he gave me a pitcher of beer. I only say pretty sure because by this time I start only having vague recollections. I know I stole a centerpiece because it was a giant, and I mean GIANT, margarita glass. I know I poured said pitcher of beer into said giant margarita glass and somehow wound up with a crazy straw hat and novelty oversized sunglasses on my personage while walking around drinking beer from a giant glass.

So we were all up at the bar at various (read: most) times and we started doing shots. Oh, shots. How we love thee. Anyhow, for some reason the groom and best man (twin brothers) seemed to love to do shots of Captain. This is not a shooting rum. I did a couple with them before telling the bartender that I would in fact be drinking shots of John Daniels. I believe that someone asked in horror after the first Captain shot, if I was indeed chasing that shot with straight scotch. I replied in the affirmative and Joe C. heard me say this, so when I followed up a shot of jack with, “ahh yes, a shot of jack and a scotch chaser” so as to, you know, make myself look like a better drunk than the rest of the drunks, Joe C. promptly called me out with, “wow, that’s the fourth time I’ve heard that tonight”. It was the second by the way, and the first was said about Captain, not Jack. Ass.

So after many, many more shots it was time to leave. I was so drunk at this point that I actually turned down a trip to the bar. It was only midnight or so, but I knew well enough that I was well enough. Got home, grabbed a beer, made some sausage and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I woke up at 5 am with 5 missed calls and as many voice mails and some shit show on W.E. about some ass couple renewing their vows. Maybe I’m old school, but I would think vows aren’t something you need to renew. They’re not a license plate, they’re promises. So you’re going to re-promise a promise? Why not just keep the original fucking promise you assheads! Don’t make a promise you don’t intend to keep then re-promise the same fucking promises you broke you dipshits. The show sent me into a half passed out drunken rage so I turned it off, listened to voicemails, returned some calls, at 5:30 in the AM. Yeah, I’m that guy. Then went to bed and passed out again. I love weddings.

Why I hate the French…

2007-08-28T04:19:00.001-04:00

let me count the ways; First off, nothing original has ever come from France. The French are the BASF of the planet, simply put, they don’t make things, they just make things better… ish. Second off the French have no spirit, no will to live, no honor. Think I’m lying? When was the last time the French won a war? They can’t even beat themselves. Filthy baguette eating smelly mime loving faggots. I don’t use faggot in the derogatory “gay” term… nay, I use it in the much more sinister derogatory “French” term.

What has sent me into such a tizzy about the goddamned surrender monkeys (read: French)? Simply put, I got home from the bar and decided to play a video game that may or may not be named after a famous military style author and his recon team that may or may not be named ghosts and they may or may not be advanced war fighters and this may or may not be the second installment of such a game. So… in trying to find an online game to play in I kept landing in a room that was hosted and populated by Frenchmen. They kept talking in frenchish and I laughed, and taunted. Now, here is where the shit gets fun: instead of starting the game and straight up owning my ass in game, with bullets, they completely kicked my ass out of the lobby for calling them surrender monkeys. Thus furthering my opinion of the frogs as a pampered, hard bread eating, unwashed, hairy, smelly, ‘orriblay aksone avin’, bad film making legion of dullards who couldn’t turn a clever phrase in English if they were paid, prompted, and coached to do so. Oh, thanks for the statue by the way… she looks like a man.

Where was I going with this? I don’t know. But I hate the French. They anger me, and make want to commit homicide. Why? Cuz faggoty cheese, wine and bread isn’t enough to make them interesting. Nay… they are the antithesis of interesting, they are in fact overtly dull and overly pompous. Besides, what is that accent? All other romance languages have decent accents that don’t sound like you have “cock in mouth” syndrome, which is pretty much all I can picture when I hear a Frenchy speak English. Does all this make me Frenchist? You’re goddamn right it does. Fuck those whiney crescent baking soufle’ making gaywads. I guess since I have no clue where I’m going with this all I can say is: fuck the French.

A Pran of Kingles

2007-07-17T15:54:00.000-04:00

So for the past week I have been in Canadialand doing what I do best, drinking and golf. Well, I don’t do golf well, but I drink like a champ so I think the two of them offset. It was a pretty rad week with some highlights and lowlights. When I showed up Saturday evening, my cousin had already broken his heel by playing a great game they invented called “super sweet catch the Frisbee and jump in the pool football game”. I’m not all that up on the rules but the descriptive name pretty much tells all. There’s a Frisbee, and a football, and a pool and super sweet catches. Well, he didn’t make the catch, and apparently he decided to try to land on his feet… in hindsight it was a bad idea.

So I show up and he’s already a gimp. But it’s all good cuz Saturday night was to be his “super sweet 23” bash at one of the local bars. We show up to the bar and they had a couple of girls from “kokanee beer”. The beer is apparently made from glacier water which gives it that crisp finish. At least that’s what the girls kept saying every time I tried hitting on them. Anyhow, they would give me a free beer and stamp my hand, so I would of course lick my hand and wipe it on my shorts and go back for another beer. Bitches wanna give me some glacier rhetoric when I am clearly leering at their tits and commenting on their asses, then I’m gonna take em for all the free beer they’re worth. Which apparently is a lot. So the cousin did a whole ton of dancing on a gimp foot which of course did nothing to help it heal. And at some point a cab was called and then there was late night drunken conversation outside some poor soul’s cabin.

Sunday was a day of golf and drinking. Which is pretty much everyday up there. Monday was beer pong day and a day of moving. You see, at the lodge there are all kinds of cabins, and usually my brother and I have to share a bed in a one room cabin with our parents. That is until members of our party leave early. So this year, for the first time, the three boys wound up in a cabin together. My brother, my cousin and myself… that cabin will never be the same again. The first night there, spurred a late night game of beer pong. At one point it started raining but we’re hardcore, so we kept on playing. If you’ve never played beer pong in the rain I highly suggest it. It’s a lot harder than you’d think. I mean in normal beer pong you don’t have to compensate for the elements. Wind, rain, in the dark of night, that is where you separate the men from the boys. So as I’m standing there single handedly owning these guys (my brother was so drunk he couldn’t even hit the table) the fucking power goes out. We were standing under a street light so we could see… and then the Canadian power company shut off our fun. Or did they? Nope. We pulled out cell phones as makeshift lighting. Yeah, like I said, we’re pretty fuckin’ hard core. So my cousin shows back up with an ugly chick and a gay guy and then proceeds to take the ugly chick inside and bang the ever loving snot out of her. The party wrapped up and I headed in only to find that my room was occupied by the sexers. So I did my civic duty, I jumped in the shower and attempted a “cable guy*”. She wasn’t having it, so I went and crashed in Cousin’s bed. Damn her.

(* “cable guy” is the term used when someone tries to enter into a threesome uninvited but hopes to be invited. Derived from bad porno when the cable repairman would walk in on a couple having sex and then the girl would start sucking his dick. Yeah, good times.)

So the next day my cousin got a birthday blowjob (it was his actual birthday on Tuesday) from one of the girls he was banging last summer, and she is quite hot. Annoying, shady, but hot. Tuesday was a good night. I learned how to play “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game”, which, I have to say is pretty super sweet. Are you sensing a theme yet? So in the middle of “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game” my brother and this chick disappear into his room. The walls are thin and we hear all. Cousin decides to pull a “cable guy” and even throws in “iss zere problem mit deine kable.” And the motherfucker was successful. So to recap in the past 24 hours, he bangs an uggo, I get shot down for a “cable guy” he gets a birthday hummer from a hot chick, and pulls a successful cable guy. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

So the next few days and nights are all the same what with golf and drinking and my brother banging one girl, and my cousin banging two others, and me jerking off into a sock. On the upside I learned a great new drinking game. Well, really two great new drinking games that are far beyond the ordinary drinking games. I actually call the one a drunking game. There are not too many ways one can leave that game still sober. Unless you cheat, or don’t drink. Seriously, it’s called “electricity” and it is the single greatest and simplest drinking game ever. EVER. Just don’t let my Cousin hear that cuz he still swears up and down that “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game” is the best ever, but that’s just because he created it. Anyhow, on the last night I had to defend my beer pong crown, and I did so successfully. CUZ I AM ALL THAT IS MAN! Or something. I just need to work on my “cable guy” skills. Heh. Anyhow, Sunday I learned that my body was not used to playing golf everyday at 8 am, and partying till 3:30am. I was sore as fuck. And now, now I just want to see my bartender. I miss my bartender.
-
funny shit heard this week:

Brother (drunk off his ass): where’s my pran of kingles!?
Me: your what?
Brother: my pran of kingles?
Me: what the fuck are you talking about?
Brother: (reaching down and grabbing a can of Pringles) this! bitch!
--
Butch: can you grab my golf ball?
Me: yeah. No. wait, a cow just ate it.
Butch: hahaha, funny.
Me: no, I’m serious, the cow is chewing on your ball now.
Butch: are you serious? (pulls up just in time to see the cow spit out his ball) yeah, we’ll just leave that one.
--
Me: Matt, your new name is Rhonda.
Matt: Why Rhonda?
Me: Cuz that’s the rule I’m making. Your name is now Rhonda, Rhonda.
Rhonda: Dude! That’s gay.
Everybody: Shut it Rhonda.

Here's to swimmin with bowlegged women.

2007-06-26T04:35:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a fuckin long time since I sat down and actually felt a blog in me. To be honest, at this point, I still don’t. There have been a few times that I really felt one in the moment, but I wasn’t near a computer and didn’t want to stop the party. So basically this is going to be a recap blog. What the fuck I’ve been up to in the last month and a half. Well, shortly after my last blog post my brother, my buddy Joe, another buddy James and I all went on a cruise. 6 days to Grand Cayman and Cozumel. Let me start by saying there was another group of four that we met last year that was going on the trip too, and they, like us, can be a bit rowdy. I wish I had pictures from the trip, but alas I do not. Anyhow, the first day I’m up near front of the boat getting drunk with a couple of the ladies as we’re leaving port and I see that waiters on this deck have these foam hats that are the color and shape of the carnival cruise ship smoke stack. I wanted one like I had never wanted anything else in my life. So, I enlisted the help of the girls to distract one of the waiters with their breasts so I could abscond with his headgear. Little did know that Indonesia is where ninjas truly learned their skills… this motherfucker had me blocked, a drink in my hand, my empty on the tray and told me he would get me a new hat before I even knew what had happened. So he comes back with a brand new hat and my receipt so I can sign for it. Fucker already had my sail and sign number and charged me for the damned thing. Goddamn ninja shit. So… long story about the hat short, I rocked it all week. I was THAT guy. So many people on that boat have pictures of me in their photo albums and pictures of them in my pimp ass hat. I’m fucking famous.

So back to the rowdy part. By dinner on the first day one of our crew had partaken of the spirits a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit too much. At dinner she proceeded to try to start a “DEEEETROIT BASKET-BALL!” chant. We were all diving over each other to try to silence her. At one point she threw a fork with a piece of chicken on it at my brother. We are embarrassed as hell, but, we’ve all been there, or were going to be there at some point on this trip. That night, I… was drunk. Not falling down drunk, but, loud knocking shit over, almost upturned a poker table while a game was going on because I was trying to fuck with James while he was playing kind of drunk. I was rockin’ out “up in da club” with my pimp hat. And I was belligerent. Fast forward to the next morning/early afternoon, James was getting his drink on with the girls on the back of the boat. They all left to go do some girly things or to have lesbian sex (not entirely out of the question with them) so James and I rocked up into the cigar lounge. After buying me some drinks and telling me, much to my objection, that he was gonna cover my tab, he decided to buy a bunch of other people some drinks. And some shots. And some cigars. Then my brother comes up and he does the same. I keep trying to tell him he’s too drunk, and he’s gonna regret this in the morning and he keeps telling me to shut up and then orders me another martini. Hard to argue with someone that persuasive. So about an hour or so goes by and ol’ James (now nicknamed WowWow) is having a hard time staying upright. At some point he said something incoherent in any language and put his head on the bar. I was happy just to let him sleep, and as we’re on a cruise ship, they don’t care. Let him sleep at the bar. Now, I have never seen this happen before. Ever. He, while sleeping (passed out) managed to slide off his bar stool. I have seen people fall off before, but I have never seen someone who is completely faced actually fall off and stay down without so much as an attempt to wake. Again, I was content to let him lay there for a minute while I finished my drink, then I’d wrestle him down to his room. We got him down there, and he told us to take his card and use it the rest of the night. We told him no. Then he told his roommate. He said yes. While we’re not THAT big of assholes, we did put everyone’s dinner drinks on his card. Not enough to be mean, but just enough to let it sink in to keep your cash (or cashesque) close when you’re drunk. That night was Bree’s turn to get crocked. I don’t remember much, but she was done for pretty early and may have been taking her clothes off. May not have been, but may have been. The next day was Grand Cayman so nothing big during the day. But that night my brother decided to start a fight in the dance club. I had stepped out to take a piss for two minutes, and I come back to people filing out of the club. I walk through the doors and my brother comes running out to try to start more shit. I pretty much just threw him over my shoulder and dragged him away. At some point he escaped and I caught him. I attempted to get him back down to the room, but he bolted on me. He’s kinda spry and made it down an entire flight of stairs in about 2 strides and was off like a shot. I decided late night pizza was calling my name. I finally get back down to the room and he’s in there yelling. And I mean YELLING. I throw open the door and he’s on his goddamned cell phone with his girlfriend. WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN and he’s on his phone!? At the rates he ended up paying, he fucking deserved it. The next day was Cozumel.

Ok, Mexicans now how to throw a party. I walked down the strip taking those Mexican shop owners for all the free tequila they were worth, and all the dollar beers they had. Then I went to Carlos N’ Charlie’s. they had yards of frozen drinks. I chose the “Dirty Monkey”, which if I remember correctly was tequila (maybe vodka), kahlua, and 99 bananas all blended to frozeny goodness. While they were $15, they did have several 2 for one specials which made them that much tastier. Now, if you’ve never been to Cozumel, I suggest that when you do, you jump your ass in a conga line. At certain points around the conga line there are waiters and waitresses waiting to pour tequila down your throat. Then there’s some dude walking around with a glass bladder thing that looks vaguely like the inner workings of a cock. It has some kind of wine in it. They pour it down your gullet for free. I don’t remember leaving Carlos N’ Charlie’s, in fact, I only have a slight recollection of learning a new way to get street vendors to ignore you: tip #1 be falling down drunk. Tip #2 be more demanding than they are. Tip #3 these should be the only words coming out of your mouth, in drunken loud yelling voice, “NECISSITO MUCHO GRANDE MARIACHI SOMBRERO!” when they try to sell you a regular sombrero you must resist and demand, “NO! MARIACHI!” seriously, they will hide from you. I bought some tequila at the duty free on my way to the boat and poured it in a water bottle. A clear water bottle. With dark tequila. Brown, dark tequila. I was passing it around in the line waiting to get back on the boat, and people were laughing at me cuz I was yelling something about something. I was trying to take bets on my ability to get that on the boat. Well, when I finally walked through security, with my brown water they didn’t even try to stop me. I turned around in a not so quiet drunk whisper told all the people behind me that I had in fact “smuggled my tequila on board”. They laughed, security laughed, and still they let me keep it. the dining room was empty that night. I ordered 1 of everything and ate very little of anything. I went to the room and passed out at 7ish. Woke up at 930 and went out for more. White Russians were about all I could handle. I had the mad tequila shakes, and I was trying to drink them into submission. Other than all that, it was pretty much run of the mill nothing to see here type stuff. Cuz that’s how we do. Anyhow, I’ll finish filling you in, with another post or two. But that’s the highlights of the cruise. Ahh the islands… they really are something.

I am not a man...

2007-05-14T02:48:00.000-04:00

Well, I am. And a fairly imposing one I've been told. HOWEVER, in the world of drinking I am lacking a certain... I don't know what. Though, really, I do know what. I am a man unable to chug. There, I said it. It’s out in the open. I stand before you a naked drunkard completely weak in that regard. I HAVE THE GAG REFLEX OF A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. However, I have a mouth with a volume just shy of 6 ounces. So in times of need I can impress by downing half a bottle into my mouth, and then taking three swallows to end it all. But I cannot chug. period. People hand me their beers at closing and while I cannot “slam” them traditionally, I can drink them with a quickness. Tonight my manhood was called into question when, at last call, I was given two bottle of “the champagne of beers” to finish. I did this handily, though, they were looking for something in the 8 second area. I CANNOT do this. In order for me to drink that fast I would need the cruel tutelage of Pei Mei. I cannot. This is a fault. One I wish to work on. It is my only downfall as a Major League Drinker. Volume? Check. Drunken Skill games? Check. Trash talk? Check. Power hour champion? Please bitch, I used to century club before the bar! Oh… check. ANYHOW! Wow, tonight is the attack of the caps lock key. I cannot chug, no bonging, no slamming, waterfalls are lost on me, and steal cups (beer pong baseball) are not my forte. This is my weakness. Judge me not.

-------

Ok, anyone faint of heart, or weak of stomach need not read past the upcoming period ---->. So, last night, I got drunk after work, at work on homemade wine. It was made in the style of bathtub Pinot Grigio that happens to be 30% alcohol. An old friend and I damaged a gallon, handily. So I get home, change in to my shorts that I wear when I am unsure if anyone (read: my brother and his trailer slut) is coming home and don’t need my cock flopping in the breeze if they walk in (I may be fat, but I love to nude up). So I decide to check my e-mails and the like and start farting like it’s my job. I love it when this happens as I get to try to stink myself out of my own chair. So, I lift my leg to fart and push so as to make some noise off the leather chair when it happens. No warning, no prior fart with a knock on the back door saying, “hey fatty! Got some liquid here wanting out!” no quick heating sensation that causes all assholes to slam shut, no nothing. The only thing alerting me to the fact that I just evacuated my bowels into my shorts was the sensation of volume growth between the cheeks and the liquid squeak (picture squeezing a water bottle till there’s nothing left type of squeak) I heard. We’re talking no warning, unprovoked, no chatter, no intel, no foreshadowing or allusion, and if there was it was all mishandled type of shart. This was the 9-11 of sharts. When I finally hit the toilette I could picture people running from the stream of liquishits flowing from my ass. So after a careful, yet thought provoking amount of time I decided to shower. Just as I’m about to finish up and jump out, I a quivering, a rumbling, hell a booming voice from the heavens that says I’m not done yet. So… yeah… I hunch over in the shower and let the second tower fall. Oddly enough, not a solid chunk in the bunch to get caught up in the drain. SO, why do I share this with you all? Well, aside from the fact I find it funny as fuck, I now what you would call “gun shy”. I have to carefully mete out my farts. To monitor them and even carefully expel them. The old adage rings true: once bitten, twice shy ( oh great white, when will you cease to be a guiding force in the universe?). Anyhow, I suggest to you dear reader, should you find yourself in this position, do not blog about it. As I am sure I will wake in the morning (read as: afternoon) and slap my forehead in amazement that I thought this would be a good blog post. Hehehehehehehe.

uhh...

2007-05-04T04:04:00.000-04:00

Waitress: how was everything?
Me:(to waitress at checkout) great. how you doin?
Waitress: (blushing) good, and you?
Me: great. hey, do you like fat guys? cuz, ya know, i'm a fat guy.
Waitress: (still blushing) i didn't notice.
A.1: (in a really loud whisper) "SHE'S LYING".
Me: (not whispering at all) I KNOW SHE'S LYING! I'M HUGE!
-----

Me: (to A1) i need you to be my conscience tonight.
A.1: I'm too drunk
Me: thank you, I was hoping you'd say that.
A.2: I'll be your conscience.
Me: No thanks, I'm good with my conscience being hammered.
-----

Me: (waving to strangers (read: drunk chicks) in the diner) (now walking by them) Hey, how's it goin? (to hot girl's friend) how about you? how you doin?
Both Girls: (smiling uncomfortably) (giggle) Fine... you?
A.1: Did you know those girls?
Me: Nope. Not at all. But I think I made them uncomfortable. heh.
-----

Me: (after being hit with a mustard laden fry square betwixt the eyes) Wow, nice toss. that was perfect.
MC: Thanks dude, but you deserved it. you said I was a girl.
Me: no, I said you ran like a girl. either way, nice toss.
A.1: Most guys would get pissed after getting hit in the eye with a mustard fry. you just say, "good toss".
Me: yeah...
-----

end of the night "paper, rock, scissors" score: MC=3 Me=1. yeah, I had to do a shot glass of franks red hot, a two second spray of mustard, and snort a line of sugar (i know, but we were drunk). but he ended up drinking some crazy grape jelly/water/frank's red hot/mustard/A-1/sugar mix when I unleashed my upset (up to that point I was 0 for 3). Yeah, good times last night. good times.

if any of this makes sense in the morning... i will be happy. please post all spelling/grammar corrections to: gofuckyourself@i'm_drunk_and_you're_not.com

on a similar note

2007-04-24T02:59:00.000-04:00

so, in the same vein as my last post, and semi inspired by the question posed by my Aussie heart throb Steph, i have a confession to make. This past week, I have become a complacent whacker. Every day this week I have had the urge to snap one off, but at the same time, just didn't feel like it. I have had to talk myself into jerking off only to suddenly have to urinate, or some other form of something or other that would make me lose the urge. I have never wanted to jerk off so bad, and yet not want to, in the same thought so bad in my life. Why does the thought of having so much fun with myself make me so... ... bored? Any ladies out there in blog land want to make a fat man happy for a night? dear god this is sad...

-----
and some links

Ahh, if only they'd have seen the inherent evil in pee wee. (trailer mash up)

chuck woolery loves your gay last name and he WILL call you out on it.

spank bank.

2007-04-16T06:21:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder what my exes/former lovers/hook ups would think if they knew that in times of need, when I dig into the spank bank, I think of them. earlier this week, I dug far into the spank bank I had to actually pat myself on the back when I successfully remembered everything in detail. I have to thank my genes for being blessed with a photographic memory. not the kind you see in movies, however, the real kind. the kind where your mind makes snapshots of every moment and you can examine every detail ad infinitum/ad nauseam. the curve of every girls ass, the slope of every girls breast, the angle of their jaw, their scent. all these things, are things I rely on lately. my porn has become stale, and i've found that a couple happy thoughts about bygone women can have an amazing effect. and this is what started me to thinking, "what if they knew I was slappin ham to their memory". I like to think that if they dated/liked/did me, they'd expect nothing less. thoughts?

I'm baaaaaack!

2007-04-09T04:10:00.000-04:00

So I’ve been on hiatus for a while. It’s not my fault. I’ve had a lot of drinking and a lot of drinking to do. But this blog post hits close to home for me. I used to frequent a certain bar. And when I say frequent, I mean from the time I turned 21 in 2000, till sometime this past fall/late summer. This bar was my “home” bar when I was in Michigan. I loved the bar, and the employees and other patrons loved me. I stopped going for a couple of reasons; the main one being I had a DUI in November ’04 and most of my friends moved away so it was difficult to find a ride up to the bar which was out of the way for most people. The second reason being, there was too much drama being brought into the bar. I like my bars drama free. Which is why I love my new “home” bar, which has always been a “home” bar to me, I just didn’t go there as often. The drama is not there, unless you ask for it.

Anyhow, enough of the crap, I went back into the first bar tonight for the first time since Rev’s birthday, and I cannot figure out how we ever had so much fun in that place. On Rev’s birthday we all hated the place and swore it to damnation. The service was shit, the drinks were shit, the ambiance was shit. Tonight we went there for the simple fact my bar was closed. I have never, ever, in my life of bar hopping seen the atmosphere of a bar change so drastically in so short a time. It used to be a hole in the wall bar. Nice place, no real regulars except the flies at the bar. Then came us: Rev, Navy and I. We had a lot of fun, drank a lot, whatever. There was a lot of karaoke, A LOT OF KARAOKE. Used to be a solid mix of people in there too, not too much of one trash or another. Now, all trash, all country. There was some asshole hosting karaoke tonight that was trying to so hard to be Larry the Cable guy he actually had a SFX box with Larry drops on it. He was part Mexican which meant he got to tell recirculated Carlos Mencia hack lines all night. See, if charisma and personality were a fruit bearing tree, this guy would have been the low hanging loose stemmed fruit that blew off in a mild mid may gust and thus left to rot on the ground amongst the worms and shrews. He actually cleared most of the bar out, aside from his friends by 12:30. Which actually brings me to my next point: apparently you can no longer enjoy yourself there unless you’re in a clique with someone who works there. Otherwise you’re just a peon, not worthy of the shitty service and inattentiveness of the bar maids. Basically, I’m just done with the place. I wanted to go back to make sure my time in December was just a fluke, but I was assured, it was not. Besides, the girls at my new bar are much nicer, much younger, much hotter, and much more fat drunk guy friendly. So I really shouldn’t be mad, but I guess the old saying is right; you can never go home again. Fuck em. Here’s to me.

----------
and now, a link:

15 of the greatest "oh shit!" moments on film. while there are far more than 15, I do like this list.

Grease and a pointy stick

2007-02-27T17:15:00.000-05:00

So last night was fun times. I recently joined a Tuesday night dart league simply for something to do on tuesday nights. Much like my bowling league, this is really just a drinking league. You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think drinking while doing either is a wise decision. You can do a lot of damage with a bowling ball and three darts. I'm not talking about these silly "soft tip" darts, I'm talking heavy as shit, sharpened before each game steel tips. I mean, really, someone get's drunk and angry in either "sport" and shit can go bad quick. Anyhow, on a side note, my dart league is a travelling league. This is actually kinda rad cuz we get to schlep around to other bars I wouldn't necessarily go to for no other reason than I didn't know they were there. Last night were in Royal Oak. This matters not, it was the trip out to the Oak that made me happy. As many of you know, I love pirates. Tis true matey. But the only thing I love as much as pirates are spies. On the way out I saw a spy shop. This made me very happy. Just as I was announcing my happiness... ANOTHER SPY STORE! I was like a kid in a titty bar. I was too excited to speak and had too many ideas to be coherent. I had decided that we needed to go to the spy stores, get all the equipment we need (including rope) and break into a consulate just because we could. I had but one mandate, I was to be the one to crawl through the ventilation ducts no matter how better suited the other three were for the job. let's just say I was with three very skinny people ranging in height from 5'2"-6'. It was then pointed out that the only way I'm making it through the vents is with about 30lbs of grease and being poked with a sharp stick. Bastards, using logic and spacial relations and physics and shit. It was then suggested we break into the spy shop, which I shot down since, well you need the spy gear to circumvent the spy shop's spy shit. Of course I stated my desire to be a pirate spy, or spy pirate, whichever sounded better. I was told this is not a viable career. I explained the only reason they thought so was because no one has ever heard of it, because in order to be a pirate spy, you have to be the best at both. And one had never been caught. But they exist my friends. They exist.

Anyhow, the moral of this whole story (Chud, there is no way to derive a moral from this) is that when you return to your home bar and have a "few" more beers, and some shots with the owner and win a couple of games people start to do stupid shit. For example, throwing darts at people's feet. While this is generally accepted practice during a dart game you are usually aiming away from the foot. She was aiming AT feet. No big deal. Then... it happened. In my defense, I had 9 darts and the previous 8 were beautifully grouped and just close enough to make you make you wince. then, I threw the 9th dart.

Woops. Guess I should've stopped at 8.

Call the FDA, and the Nobel committee, I've discovered a miracle.

2007-02-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

Well, not really. My shit ass shoulder has been hurting like a mofo all day and I've been thinking about cutting it off. However I have managed to get it from being a serious distraction type of pain, to a dull, almost forgettable yet irksome ache. How have I achieved such success you ask? simple: 4 motrin (safer on a heavy drinker's liver), a 40 and 1/2 of Labatt Blue, and some Ben Gay. Yeah, you too could something something. Sorry, not really in the mindset to blog right now. I think the Motrin and the Blue are mixing with the Ben Gay smell to fuck with my head. I kinda like it. So, now you get some links. both, are EXTREMELY worth watching.
------

Mr. Belding, Tony Romo, an 80's cover band, and Journey's "don't stop believin'" for the record, Tony Romo can carry a tune better than I. Think about THAT next time I suggest Karaoke.

French Military + Shoulder fired anti tank missile + Murphy = I think it might behoove you to surrender.

Unhealthy?

2007-02-12T03:33:00.000-05:00

Is it bad that I have a seriously unhealthy obsession with Marlee Matlin? I don't know what it is. It could be the deaf slur, her serious hotness, or the ability to swear at her at her in anger with my back turned to her and have her be none the wiser... I just don't know. All I do know is that when I hear her name I look, and watch. In fact I actually watched an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition just because she was on it. I can't stand the show. the show is tripe, drivel, and feelgood crap based on some intangible that allows someone to be given a leg up over someone else as deserving though neither is willing to work for it. ANYHOW, back to Marlee. I actually took ASL for a semester in college just in case I got the chance to pick Marlee up at the bar. You know, I could sign her my name and "where is the bathroom" and she'd swoon. I. Need. Help.

Attention everyone!

2007-02-07T05:53:00.000-05:00

I have solved all the world's problems. no need to continue to argue or debate. apparently all you need is nuclear power, wave power technology, a re-education of global politics to the proletariat, the dissolution of the UAW and a predominantly libertarian viewpoint. also, jack bauer has to be allowed to act with complete autonomy. cuz, let's face it. in the clutch when he's yelling "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" you get that warm blanket feeling.

anyhow, the other night for superbowl sunday i ended up at a friend's house. she was having a couple friends over and one of these wonderful friends felt that she owed it to me to shake hands with my penis. let me tell you that in no uncertain terms, i enjoyed this greatly. so, since i have nothing else to add to this, you get pictures of shit we wrote on the local bar while it is undergoing renovations.

awww, amanda hearts me, and i heart her.

what's this? i heart julie? whatever will amanda think? shhh... don't tell either.

yeah, i was too drunk to write that, so thanks to erika for doing so.

hehehehehe, yeah, i kinda do.

kinda out of focus, but it says "rob d has a huge p". while this is fiction, i will accept it as fact.

originally i had written "Rob & Pussy" in a heart. Jen decided that my well spaced writing deserved some fucking with, so a "t" was added before the "y" and she turned the P into an R, yeah...

FUCK RUSSTY! russty:pussy as mapplethorpe:straight

damn you russty!!!

you need a fact checker.

2007-01-27T06:07:00.000-05:00

I was trying to fall asleep about 15 minutes ago and I had Fox News on in the background. Neil Cavuto was chatting with some Evangelical minister guy who was trying to "take back" the word "evangelical" so it doesn't have the whackadoo connotation it has now. Whatever, have fun, knock yourself out, everyone's got to have something to believe in, good luck to ya. Then it happened. Minister guy, in response to a statement about too many religious people in politics, went on to say that separation of church and state was not in the constitution or in the bill of rights and that it was merely a letter that Jefferson once wrote. Let's take a look at the First Amendment to U.S. Constitution shall we?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Huh... not in the constitution eh? So, because in one letter from Jefferson to Madison he used the phrase "...thus building a wall of separation between Church and State." This somehow invalidates the separation? How about this: Madison was HUGE into keeping the two separate. Hey, guess what Madison was the primary drafter of? THE BILL OF RIGHTS. Let's see what he has to say about the issue shall we? "Strongly guarded . . . is the separation between religion and government in the Constitution of the United States... practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government as essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States" (1811 letter to Baptist Churches). So, because the exact phrase isn't in the constitution this means you can try to permeate the government? I think the founding fathers would wag their finger at you. For shame. For shame!

Ha! I got you good fucker!

2007-01-20T03:35:00.000-05:00

The last words I said to my brother as I left were, "Don't lock me out, I don't have any keys". To which the reply was, "I'll be here all night, don't worry". Famous last words. get off work at 2:50am and walk up to the door only to find it locked. No bigs yo, he just forgot and now I’ll knock. Hmm... knocking didn't work, I'll call his cell. No dice there, I'll call the house phone. Odd, he's not answering that either. Walk around the back of the house see if the doorwall is unlocked, maybe he's just fuckin with me. Nope, locked, but hey! What is that I see sleeping on the couch? My passed out drunk brother. So I begin the door banging. And by banging, I mean, BANGING. It sounded like world war 3 with my fists and the metal door. I was pounding on the window above his head, I was pounding on the doorwall, I was pounding on the door for 30 seconds straight that I actually woke a neighbor. So I start calling anyone with a key, and no one answered. Damn them, damn them to hell. So, sitting in the balmy 16*F heat, I decided to start a frantic search for any lost keys that I may or may not have forgot about. In a fit of cold, I kicked our recycling bin (don't knock it, it's fun) which in turn slammed into our bottle return bin which jumped over about a foot, and there, all rusty and gooey from slush and garage bullshit was a set of spare keys I had lost about 3 or so years ago. I was semi relieved, yet, skeptical at the same time since we'd had the house re-keyed in the last 5 years and I'm not sure of the timeline from when the house was re-keyed and when I last used that set. I wiped them off, grabbed a wire brush and scrubbed them off, and stuck it in the lock. The fucker worked. I walked up to El Passo Outo Drunko and smacked him. Nothing, not even a blink. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I felt he needed shamed

This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps!

******UPDATE!!******
4:45am
He just woke up, got some juice, went into the bathroom with big mirrors, and noticed nothing. I love my life.

Note to self:

2007-01-19T04:00:00.000-05:00

Don't ever try to explain to two drunk off duty cops the difference between "suspicion" and "probable cause". apparently, they're too retarded and too brainwashed to understand the intricacies of civil liberties. ha! the greatest is when they try to say, "we do this every day... yada yada yada..." and you fire back, "yeah, and how many of those bogus stops actually stick?" oddly shady cops get silent after that. oh, and when they tell you constantly to shut up and let them finish, and you laugh at them and tell them they should have finished 20 sentences ago when they actually had a point, they don't like that either. fuck them. just like unions, being a cop rots your brain. i will not mourn you, dirty cop.

in case you couldn't tell, i am drunk, and Detroit PD can kiss my ass. i'd much rather hang with Detroit FD. those mofo's can drink and never give you shit. plus, if you're on fire, they'll not only put you out, they'll run into a flaming building to put you out. cops? yeah, they'll write you a 5 over ticket when you're late. gee, wonder which i like more.

Oh myspace, you constant source of inspiration.

2007-01-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

I know i've done this before, but, this one is just so gay i had to post it. i found this in my bulletins a minute ago. i laughed, so i think i'll break it down so you can see how stupid it is.

Every girl dreams that one day, she will find a boy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have THE BIGGEST impact in someone's life.

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

ok, this one i'll give you. i've lost more t-shirts to this than anything else. wait, no, fuck that. i miss those t-shirts. get your own goddamn shirt to sleep in.

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT NOTES

why? cuz i'm gay? nothing i do is cute. i'm a dude. if you want cute, date a girl.

KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.

i'll fuck her in front of my friends if she'd let me. how is this one important?

TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.

trust is earned. i've known most of my friends longer than i've known any girl i've dated. guess who gets the better end of the trust deal?

TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.

why would i date an ugly bitch? and on top of that, what if she isn't exactly looking beautiful? if she's sick, and red faced with ratty hair in purple mumu... guess what, i'm not gonna lie.

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.

i will when she stops wearing plunging necklines.

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.

i shave my head, so... mess away creepy hair doll maker.

MESS WITH HER HAIR.

why?

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.

is she a girlfriend or a fucking dog? jesus christ. you want me to wipe your feet off when you come in from the rain too?

F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES!!!!

and not bring it up in every fight from that point thereafter? that door swings both ways.

L00K AT HER LIKE SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.

this is one is just dumb. and it makes no sense to me.

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.

riiiight. that's a precedent you want set.

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.

hand holding? HAND HOLDING? this is an issue? ooooh, i held her hand. maybe tonight i'll get to first base! fuck that.

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.

what if i don't love her? and for that matter, why should allow her to verbally abuse me? that's bunk.

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS

why? so my arm can fall asleep, sting like a bitch, and then i practically smack myself in the face as i'm trying to get feeling back while reaching for the remote so i can change the channel from whatever shitty chick flick you had me watching in the hopes i may be getting my dick wet later, and now that you're asleep i see that's not gonna happen. so, caddyshack is on, and i'm gonna watch it. bitch.

********GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.**********

yeah, cuz that works.

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.

haha! doody head! fart breath! whatever. unless you're talking about the good teasing. then... ok.

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.

why? so i can be worthless at work? fuck that. i want my nights sleep. THE MEDICINE DOESN'T BUY ITSELF!

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER

no. women have HORRIBLE taste in movies. since most won't watch my favorite movies with me, why should i suffer? you can watch beaches, or the notebook, or steel magnolias, or fried green tomatoes or the best little whorehouse in texas all by your lonesome.

KISS HER F0REHEAD.

rather kiss her lips. but, whatever.

GIVE HER THE W0RLD.

pretty sure there's hundreds of countries that would stand in my way of creating a global ruler.

WRITE HER LETTERS.

and pay for a stamp? should i write a thank you letter after every time we have sex? would this be acceptable to you? so far this whole list is "me me me me me".

LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES

i make sure not to date girls that my clothes would fit. that = teh unsexy.

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.

not if i've already got plans. sorry you've created some drama, but i'm goin out. peace.

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.

what if she's not? what if she is the low man on all totem poles? ever think of that?

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.

sure. as long as i can do the same.

KISS HER IN THE RAIN.

i'll fuckin kiss her in a blizzard, in a sewer. again, how does this one matter?

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no, i think i'll keep it a secret. maybe leave a couple riddles lying around for her to solve, maybe she'll figure it out in time.

AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.

what if i loved before and sucked at it, and needed to learn lessons from that? should i just throw out those lessons as though i'd never loved before? teenage girls are dumb. and the shit they write is equally so.

whose birthday?

2007-01-04T03:09:00.000-05:00

yep... Dana's. Went up to the Bench Pub last night after work, wholly intent on grabbing a couple of amusement free, cheap ass boombas when all of the sudden in walks a drunk off her ass Dana.

not so sure why that pic decided to be upside down, but fuck it, it illustrates a point dammit. So she bullshits with me about her eve and how some dude named Billy totally fucked up his chances at gettin some pussy by going to sleep early. my guess... he's teh ghey. or, she has a smelly crotch. but i'm thinkin more along teh ghey lines. so we start bullshitting and she regails me with a story of recurring dreams about a castle, then when she mentions the word "witch" she gives a cackle, not unlike the wicked the witch of the west, or east, i'm sure they both cackled. but not the north or south witches, they're the good ones.

so after trying to sort out drunkeneese about the sun burning people and her living under a castle in her dream we focused on the important shit. for example, how drunk can you look?

after handily proving that she can look wicked drunk (sticking your tongue out always helps. it means you're either drunk or dead) she again broke into story.

this time she informed about a bra shopping trip that left her somewhat happier. apparently she went in to the store thinking she wore a 34 C.

after the saleslady told her that she must be joking and that she absolutely must remeasure her, (insert lesbian fantasy here) it came out that Dana had in fact grown a full cup size

yeah, so she grabbed them in honor and that's her saying, "yep, they're d's". hehehehe. So, drunk girl spots her friend J-hill

who happens to be dating my neighbor, she also happens to be drunk grrrls ride, and she (dana) then proceedes to tell J-hill "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" Oddly enough, j-hill knew this already, imagine that? So, drunk girl spots another grrl, J-hen,

and says the same thing. again, oddly enough, she knew as well. Man, small world. So, she then sees the bar owner

and asks him if he in fact is aware that it is her day of conveyance from the womb. he nods, tacitly expressing his knowledge, and promises her a drink or two on the morrow, when she is not so much drunk grrl. which by the way, is one of the first times i have seen said chick in said state. note to self... bring rufies next time. anyhow, as much as i hate it when she leaves, god i love watching her go.

sure, it's blurry, i was excited. go fuck yourselves.
hehehe, you know, if you put an L on the Dana you get DanaL. if you drop the D you get Anal. ha! you see that! i turned her name into a wonderful (yet sometimes dirty) act! ha! love ya dana. hehehehehe.

These Dreams?

2006-12-29T15:29:00.000-05:00

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?
------

and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.

This woman named Dana.

2006-12-22T02:38:00.000-05:00

So, i was at the bar last night when this enchanting woman named Dana came up to me and decided to chat me up. she's a beautiful girl, with great taste in music who happens to be a model. a model who happens to not mind hangin' with a fat guy and making him feel special every now and then. ahhh, that girl. she's something special that one. she's got the greatest skin tone, it's a light caramel that just makes you want to see if she tastes like White Russian or like that damn delicious scent she wears that makes you want to believe that dreams really do come true. ahh Dana... the girl of every guys dreams.

-----
and now, some links.

ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse? ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse not attached to chuck norris of jean claude van damme? now you have.

apparently college humor can mapquest your way to the clitoris. the female orgasm is a myth and that's that what i'm sticking with.

best christmas present evar.

if you need clarification on the above, whatch this video. if the link goes dead, let me know. NBC has been on a crusade.

there ya go dana, i blogged about you. love ya darlin.

For Chaz

2006-12-13T16:02:00.000-05:00

So, last night I was at the Red Wing’s game having fun, drinkin, and being loud. You know, the usual. Middle of the second period all of the sudden I feel this weight on my knee. I look down and what to my wondering eyes should I see? This guy:

So after jostling him a few times and asking him for his beer and his wallet we were sure he was indeed passed out. When I received no reply to either query we knew it was time to start to fucking with him. So, I had the guy in front of him take a snap shot of me with “passed out drunk guy”

The little credit card pagoda right outside our section gives away something every game for filling out applications. This night it was Red Wing’s blankets. He happened to have one with him so we covered him up. By this point people all around started taking notice. Cameras were coming out left and right. When the period ended this dude with his kid decided it was photo op time. The old man had his kid sit in the seat with his arm around passed out drunk guy and pops took a quick snap shot. I wish I had a pic of that, but alas I do not. However, this girl did come over from a full section over to poke and prod passed out drunk guy. I went outside to have a smoke at this point, but apparently poke and prod chick came back, this time with lipstick.

So, I was outside smoking and showing off my pictures of passed out drunk guy and telling everyone which section he was in so that they too can have a photo op with him. However, much to my chagrin when I got back… he was gone. Apparently medics came up and took him away.

It was reported to me that passed out drunk guy’s real name was Chaz. At least, that’s what he told the medics. However, this trooper while being escorted down the steps had one parting statement, “hey, where’s my beer?”. So last night, we drank for Chaz.

scenes from a livonia bar.

2006-12-06T02:51:00.000-05:00

brother: ever seen "you, me and dupree?"
me: nope. but i wanted to.
brother: good cuz i have it in my car.
me: i have it in my nuts!
brother: you have dupree in your nuts?
me: no, i have jennifer aniston in my nuts.
brother: fag, that was "the break up" you mean kate hudson.
me: yeah. well, bonus. cuz i can spank it to her, and her mom, whom at one point was a handsome woman.
--------

me: holy shit is that k-fed?
table of people: holy shit i think it is.
me: he seems shorter. and gayer.
them: you should ask him.
me: nah, i'ma call the bar and ask if they know k-fed slid behind the bar.
nelly: wouldn't it be fed-x?
me: teehee... I GET IT, EX K-FED... FED-X!!!!
nelly: shut up and call.
(ring ring)jules: bench pub?
me: do you know you have k-fed behind the bar?
jules: yeah, please come kick his ass.
me: sorry, if i kick a gay man's ass that's a hate crime.
---------

me: i'm grabbing your ass.
her: what?
me: i'm grabbing your ass. right now. my hand is on your ass.
her: what?
me: you're dumb.
her what?
me: dumb, you are. zero intellect. no sense. mildly retarded.
her: what? yeah.
me: i want to sex you in the forehead.
her: i like a challenge!
--------

me: hey, you own a muffler shop, how much to bend up some pipe?
them: to go where?
me: test pipe. to replace the CAT.
them: one million dollars, that's the fine.
me: i'm not asking you to install it. just to bend it.
them: we can install a cat for $250
me: fuck that. i don't need anything installed. just some pipe bent.
them: well, with the way the Y comes in, we need a special CAT. so $35o.
me: are you retarded? it's a simple single CAT. nothing more.
them: no. no no. the Y goes in...
me: shut up. you're dumb. i don't want your services. a straight 6 '91 f-150 does none of what you say.
them: here's our card and a couple extras. give them to your friends. the prices we told you are only good for tomorrow and thursday. anytime after that and we can't promise you those prices.
me: i will not be coming to you, as you are both idiots and i wouldn't trust you with my truck if you payed me to.
them: remember, tomorrow and thursday only.
-----

ahh the bar. i love it so.

"The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times"

2006-11-10T02:48:00.000-05:00

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.

-The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
-----
so, today is the 31st anniversary of the wreck of the edmund fitz... here are some conversations from this eve:

me (about cruises): don't order the beer, they'll ass rape you.
some chick: what do you mean ass rape?
me: you know, like in prison have someone force themselves upon your anus.
some chick: if you order a beer?
me: oh. no, i meant price wise on the cruise. similar to ass rape.
zach's wife: you know sodomy.
me: well, forced sodomy.
zach's wife: well, you order a beer, and you get GHB and a foreigner fucking you in the ass.
---

colin: so, how'd the election turn out for you?
me: fuck the Dem's. they want that slut back in power, they get what they deserve in the next 4 years.
colin: so, you're not gonna change states?
me: what? and be like the whiney Dem's after '04 when Bush won? I'm going to canada! fuck that. and fuck Canada. Fucking socialists.
----

me: Dude i wanna play wreck of the edmund fitsz again.
dude: man, once is enough.
me: but dude, i want these people to suffer!
dude: i thought you were playing it so they would understand and feel and shit.
me: fuck that! i want them to suffer through a 15 minute folk song about a ship that sank in 4 minutes.
dude: dick.
----
curt(on the phone and drunk as shit): WHERE YOU AT FUCKER!!!!!????
me: about to walk home.
curt: FROM THE BENCH!!!!????
me: nope. from your mom's vagina.
curt: OH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU'RE WALKING HOME FROM SOUTH LYON!!!!!!!!
me: nope. but your mom's vagina is so big, by the time i walk out and trip over the labia minora i'm home!
[click]
me: hello?
----
curt (calling back): hello.
me: did you hang up on me cuz i was talking about your mom's vagina?
curt: are you done?
me: no! in fact...
[click]
----

ahh thursdays, always a good day.

i'm a suave motherfucker.

2006-11-01T03:55:00.000-05:00

me: hey darlin' how's it goin?
her: i'm drunk as fuck.
me: me too, and my hand is on your ass!
her: is that what that is? it is so helping me stand up!
----

me: umm... awkward, but did we we have sex?
her #2: (all snotty like) uhhh, i don't think so.
me: you don't think so?
her #2: uhh, yeah.
me: so you don't know if we've had sex? SWEET! I LOVE SLUTS! let's try to jog your memory.
----

me: oh hey, i know you. you're one of the twins.
her #3: uhh... no. they're over there.
me: so... you like fat guys?
----

so right now, i am a gassy mofo. drank a bunch of blue tonight at our neighborhood bonfire then went to the bar. somewhere in the midst of all this my farts somehow smell like dead rats on white castle hamburgers, burned in an oil fire. yeah, i so strafed the bar on my way out, and so told everyone i was doing so. i'm a baaaaaaaaad man!

GCIII says it all. end of argument.

2006-10-25T15:55:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot of chatter lately involving Bush and his recent bill The Military Commissions Act of 2006(pdf). People on TV bashing it saying it’s unconstitutional, people on the web saying bush is making a mess of things, people all over saying that it clearly violates the Geneva Convention [sic]. Apparently none of these people have read the Act nor the Geneva Conventions. So, being the good natured guy I am, I’m going to give you all a chance to do both. The above link is a download for a PDF, and here is a link to The Geneva Conventions. Today class we’re concentrating on Geneva Convention Three, or GCIII. This Convention lays out the treatment for prisoners of war. It also clearly outlines what an enemy combatant is. Let’s check it out shall we?

Art. 4. A. Prisoners of war, in the sense of the present Convention, are persons belonging to one of the following categories, who have fallen into the power of the enemy:

…(2) Members of other militias and members of other volunteer corps, including those of organized resistance movements, belonging to a Party to the conflict and operating in or outside their own territory, even if this territory is occupied, provided that such militias or volunteer corps, including such organized resistance movements, fulfil the following conditions:[ (a) that of being commanded by a person responsible for his subordinates; (b) that of having a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance; (c) that of carrying arms openly; (d) that of conducting their operations in accordance with the laws and customs of war.

Interesting… so, let’s say I catch a terrorist, he does not fulfill the above requirements, what should I do with him then O' Convention of wisdom?

Should any doubt arise as to whether persons, having committed a belligerent act and having fallen into the hands of the enemy, belong to any of the categories enumerated in Article 4, such persons shall enjoy the protection of the present Convention until such time as their status has been determined by a competent tribunal.

…Prisoners of war shall continue to have the benefit of such agreements as long as the Convention is applicable to them, except where express provisions to the contrary are contained in the aforesaid or in subsequent agreements, or where more favourable measures have been taken with regard to them by one or other of the Parties to the conflict.

Huh. Well, I guess that about settles it. I mean, the convention says so. So let’s see what this act wants to do shall we?

‘‘§ 948b. Military commissions generally
‘‘(a) PURPOSE.—This chapter establishes procedures governing
the use of military commissions to try alien unlawful enemy combatants
engaged in hostilities against the United States for violations
of the law of war and other offenses triable by military commission.

‘‘(b) AUTHORITY FOR MILITARY COMMISSIONS UNDER THIS
CHAPTER.—The President is authorized to establish military
commissions under this chapter for offenses triable by military
commission as provided in this chapter.

Odd… what do all these terms mean? Unlawful combatant? Let’s see what the act has to say.

‘‘§ 948a. Definitions
‘‘In this chapter:
‘‘(1) UNLAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—(A) The term ‘unlawful
enemy combatant’ means—
‘‘(i) a person who has engaged in hostilities or who
has purposefully and materially supported hostilities
against the United States or its co-belligerents who is
not a lawful enemy combatant (including a person who
is part of the Taliban, al Qaeda, or associated forces);
or
‘‘(ii) a person who, before, on, or after the date of
the enactment of the Military Commissions Act of 2006,
has been determined to be an unlawful enemy combatant
by a Combatant Status Review Tribunal or another competent
tribunal established under the authority of the
President or the Secretary of Defense.

‘‘(B) CO-BELLIGERENT.—In this paragraph, the term ‘cobelligerent’,
with respect to the United States, means any State
or armed force joining and directly engaged with the United
States in hostilities or directly supporting hostilities against
a common enemy.

‘‘(2) LAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—The term ‘lawful enemy
combatant’ means a person who is—
‘‘(A) a member of the regular forces of a State party
engaged in hostilities against the United States;
‘‘(B) a member of a militia, volunteer corps, or organized
resistance movement belonging to a State party
engaged in such hostilities, which are under responsible
command, wear a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at
a distance, carry their arms openly, and abide by the
law of war; or
‘‘(C) a member of a regular armed force who professes
allegiance to a government engaged in such hostilities,
but not recognized by the United States.

‘‘(3) ALIEN.—The term ‘alien’ means a person who is not
a citizen of the United States.

‘‘(4) CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.—The term ‘classified
information’ means the following:

‘‘(A) Any information or material that has been determined
by the United States Government pursuant to
statute, Executive order, or regulation to require protection
against unauthorized disclosure for reasons of national
security.

‘‘(B) Any restricted data, as that term is defined in
section 11 y. of the Atomic Energy Act of 1954 (42 U.S.C.
2014(y)).

Wow, so Chud, what you’re telling us is that the GCIII is quoted directly in this Act as a term of what a lawful combatant is, and what an unlawful combatant is? And that this act in no way defies the Conventions we hold so dear to our civilized hearts? How can this be? I mean, all the media as awash in the bashing of this act, and President Bush is an evil evil man right? I mean, if this Act isn’t the evil Geneva Conventions defying monster the media made it out to be, what else isn’t true? Well, kiddies, so much more. So, so much more. But that’s for a different class.

And now for some ultra violence?

2006-10-22T04:56:00.000-04:00

Fuck "a clockwork orange"!

that's all i have to say about that.

good day.

since i have been drinking away my posts, you get a meme!

2006-10-09T15:41:00.000-04:00

This is about senior year of high school.

1. Who was your best friend?

Senior year? No one really. The guy who was my best friend left for the army. Though, you’d never know we were best friends what with me trying to snake his girl. Yeah, senior year, I guess Brandon would have been it.

2.What sports did u play?

Nothing for the school. Lots of paintball though.

3. What kind of car did you drive?

’88 ford ranger. The car had ground effects on it. It was so counter to everything I was. I was so metal.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?

Brandon’s house gearing up for a paintball game.

5. Were you a party animal?

Not really.

6. Were you considered a flirt?

Actually, yes.

7. Ever skip school?

Uhh, yeah, pretty much.

8. Were you a nerd?

I liked nerdy things. Like computers, and D&D and magic the gathering. Though I think I was out of the last two by senior year.

9. Were you in any clubs?

ROTC.

10. Did you get suspended/expelled?

Never expelled. Suspended many many times. I think I hold the record for number of times suspended while suspended. I was originally given a 3 day “in school” for smoking (Chud! You rebel!). then I was suspended because the bitch thought I was playing games on my calculator when in fact I was doing homework so she sent me to the office, proceeded to go through my shit and found some highly objectionable prose and short stories I had written. Those got me suspended for an additional 5 days. Finally the next day I caused civil unrest in the suspension (planning?) room for the blatant disregard for my personal possessions the day prior. This earned me another 3 days but all time to be served out of school. Oh such angst! What a rebel!

11. Can you sing the fight song?

Yeah it was a rip off of the UM fight song.

12. Who was your favorite teacher?

Mr. Markiewicz, Mr. Borso or Sgt. Canon. All three were great.

13. Favorite class?

Senior year? Independent reading. I think I burned through half the damn library in that class.

14. What was your school's full name?

Winston Churchill High School

15. School mascot?

A charger. For those of you not in the know, apparently it’s a knight on a horse.

16. Did you go to dances?

Senior year, no. well, I did go to military ball. I think.

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?

Not at all. I couldn’t wait to be out then and I have no reason to want to do that over again.

18. What do you remember most about graduation?

Wanting it to be over so I could get the fuck outta dodge.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?

Ha. For Radio and TV we had to shoot all the productions that the school put on (ie. dance recitals, fashion shows, plays etc). for one production in particular, I think it was the capa dance senior thingy. Some guy played Angie for a chick named Angie and she danced around. Anyhow, a bunch of us had gone in on a fifth of the captain. So I’m standing between the classroom and the Master control room which is also sort of backstage. I had my pop (coke) opened and emptied to the desired level and began to pour in the captain. As I’m doing so Boone (the teacher) came thundering down the stairs with his coffee in his hand and a pint of something clear that he was pouring into said coffee. We both froze, both caught. He cleared his throat, nonchalantly said, “Mr. Dorton”. I nodded and responded, “Boone”. And off he walked.

20. Did you have a job your senior year?

Yes, but then my dad fired me.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?

Burger King at Westland Mall. Which I don’t believe is there any longer.

22. What did you do after graduation?

Moved out to the sticks and started working horses and rodeo.

23. Where are most of your classmates?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t stayed in touch with most of them.

24. Are you going/did you go to your 10-year reunion?

I don’t know. It’ll be this coming year and I really don’t know if I’ll be going.

25. Who was your worst teacher?

Lt. Col. Kuratko. He’s a douche.

26. Who did you date in High School?

You can’t call what I did “dating”. That’s all I’ll say on that topic.

27. Did your life turn out different then you would have expected?

Hrmm… 27, living at home after two failed attempts at college, a real estate career that’s in the shitter, delivering pizzas, unable to commit to anything much less one single job for more than a year. Actually, yeah, a little different than I expected.

Blank?

2006-10-06T18:04:00.000-04:00

Well, over the past week or so I have had some great ideas for blog posts. These were doosies. I’m talkin’ funny, witty and creative, and those were just the titles. Yet somehow, when I was able to get near a computer I couldn’t seem to remember the slightest detail of what I wanted to post, which is highly upsetting. However, I have formulated a hypothesis about this. A corollary if you will. This theorem states:

“All great ideas founded in one’s own head under great influence of alcohol which are not committed to paper, verbal record, or digital media immediately will be forever lost in the haze of the morning.”

This applies only to great ideas. Shitty ideas and mediocre ideas always seem to stay with you. But the higher functions attained for the great idea, gone for some reason.

You may be wondering what drew me to this conclusion. Yeah, I didn’t think so. But I’ll tell you. Saturday night I was drunkenly making myself laugh with the formulation of a blog post. Then a lot of tequila more and I could barely remember I was house broken. The following Sunday was an all day drinking fest with the lions losing, the tigers losing and the wings winning. And I had some great post about that. However, ten cents per ounce beer specials thwarted me yet again. Damn banditos. Monday night was whiskey and television and I had a great idea about a show or two I wanted to pitch, but the whiskey wouldn’t release me from its grip. Tuesday… oh Tuesday, lot’s of beer at the bar, it was $2.50 23oz domestics. One of my friends was apparently having relations with a waitress, whose boyfriend of 5 years decided to show up and the drama! Oh the drama! But again, forgot it all. Wednesday just wasn’t fair. $3.50 boombas (32 oz) and the tigers were supposed to play game 2. rain delay, but no drunken delay, find out afore mentioned waitress quit due to her and her boy having problems. And again not a word on the blog. Last night was bad. It’s my bowling league night. Which means lots of drinking. We have a game called “one pin”* and things just get ugly. afterwards Joe and I headed out to Walled Lake to see our Smelly Pirate Hooker. She’s a chick who used to bowl on our league but can’t this year due to work. So, we went out to see her. They had a pint special going, and I wasn’t driving so, we had a couple. Came home, and did I, in my partial sobriety, commit word to page? Nope. I tore into my whiskey like it was my job. And that brings me to this morning. Well, now it’s early evening, aren’t I a great procrastinator? So, these are the supporting facts behind Chud’s law of creative influence. You are now informed.

* “one pin” is a drinking game in which you must first establish who in the league is playing. It can be as little as 3 people, or as large as the whole league. Once this is established, everyone purchases their alcohol and proceeds to bowl. Anytime in any frame, on any ball, if you leave one pin, and one pin only, standing you must call out “ONE PIN” for all players to hear. Then, everyone takes a drink. For example, let’s say your first ball in the first frame you knocked down 9 pins, you’d yell “ONE PIN!” and everyone drinks. For you second ball you miss the spare, leaving that same pin up. Again, “ONE PIN!” and drinks are had. If on your first ball you knock down 7, then nothing happens. But if on your second you only get 2 of the remaining 3, then you have left a soldier still standing, and thus “ONE PIN!” When you have 3 -6 teams playing, you can imagine how quickly you can get drunk. Good thing we only play 2 games.

-----------
And now some links.

Ever seen the video of the guy who runs from cops and gets run over by a cop in a truck? he's back.

Fat guys and verbs don't mix. i should know. which is why i never attempt to make jumps between docks.

What idiot thought, "let's tie a rope to a treadmill and tow it behind the car and video tape someone riding it"? god i hope there are more people like him.

Ever wonder what a flock of seagulls can do to a horserace? neither did I. but, now, I wonder why i haven't.

The inside story of the webs 10 most famous websites.

Whorecraft? WTF? uhh... no thanks. NSFW

"Creativity lies dead on a slab in hollywood"-Kurt A. "Mad Dog" Henning

2006-09-23T02:29:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday (Sept. 6), MGM announced plans to expand its worldwide television distribution operation and, in the process, revealed plans to move forward on sequels to films ranging from the '80s classic "WarGames" to the underwater treasure hunting saga "Into the Blue."

In a press release, the company announced that the MGM Worldwide Television Distribution Group will handle the international television sales for "Casino Royale," Daniel Craig's first turn as James Bond movie, as well as "Rocky Balboa," Sylvester Stallone's final turn as the titular pugilist.

That part isn't interesting. What is interesting is that the release says that the Group will also launch worldwide sales campaigns for a slate of sequels.

There's "Legally Blonde 3," which MGM describes with the slug "Beauty and brains bring big laughs," but without any mention of the presumably absent Reese Witherspoon.

There's "Cutting Edge 3," billed as "the romantic drama about the quest for victory among professional ice skaters." The 1992 romantic skating comedy got made-for-TV sequel treatment earlier this year on ABC family.

Although 2005's "Into the Blue" made less than $20 million domestically, MGM seems to be giving it another go, calling "Blue 2" a "new and exciting installment based on the action thriller about aspiring treasure hunters." It's difficult to imagine either Jessica Alba or Paul Walker being involved.

While the timetable on those three movies is vague, things appear to be moving forward on "WarGames 2," a follow-up to the 1983 Matthew Broderick vehicle. The release says that shooting will begin in November in Montreal on the "thrilling story of what happens when top officials try to dismantle the famous computer." No attached talent was announced.

In addition, as has already been reported in many circles, MGM is overseeing production on "Species 4," starting in October. Frank Mancuso Jr. will executive produce.

It's unclear on whether or not any of these sequels will be theater-bound or if they'll just take the lucrative path straight to DVD.

Taken from Here
--------

Fuck MGM. i just got done watching "the deep 2005" or rather "into the blue". Sure it was entertaining. Sure it had T&A. Sure, it was the same movie i have seen 50 times starring Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bisset. They even had a bit of an homage at the very very very end of the credits. i enjoyed it, i did. but really, why does life need sequels? Wargames 2? really? what can possibly trump simulated (though thought to be real) global thermonuclear warfare? well, i guess actual (though thought to be simulated) global thermonuclear warfare. BUT IT DOESN'T NEED A SEQUEL. it is a stand alone movie with matt and ally at their peak. when back door had no hacker or porn connotation. when modems were designed for the phones of yore. and when touchtone was a novelty. oh days of yesteryear, how we long for thee... THOUGH NOT IN THE FORM OF SHITTY SEQUELS FUCKIN MGM!

ok, legally blonde 3? who the fuck saw legally blonde 2? was there even a need for #2? no. i'm just gonna glaze over casino royale and rocky balboa... they're jokes unto themselves. having had a past in working with horses, i see no need to beat a dead one.

i guess the icing on the cake really comes with the AMAZING decisions to make "the cutting edge 3" and "species 4". now, "the cutting edge 2, going for the gold" was a straight to video flop which i'll someday rent with my blockbuster rewards for free... but not today. i know of not one single person who has seen said movie. so why would they make a third? i know not. bastards. species 4? fuck, what happened to species 2 and 3? never heard of 'em next!

all in all i think MGM is doing the lazy thing and trying to generate revenue off of lost causes and quasi patent money makers. none of this makes sense as the viewing public at large has been demanding new and fresh material for some time. the industry tries to blame piracy for their lack of revenue, when they should look inward at the dreck and pap they have been spewing. please, let me watch shitty, overly CGI'd remakes of classics. oh please oh please can i spend 10 dollars to see a re-hash of a movie i liked 20 years ago be updated in a half assed shitty way with no acknowldgement to the original. where i come from, that's plagarism. dick.

i guess what i'm trying to say is: i don't mind if a movie is formulaic. or shitty. everyone here knows my penchant for shitty movies. but, don't try to be something you're not. and don't take your movie overly serious if you're an unoriginal piece of shit working of an 80 year old script of "rasputin and the empress". MGM, Universal, Sony, MTV, Disnep* and Warner, YOU ALL SUCK! grow some balls in your mainstream studios and don't just relegate good films to your "independant" labels like DIMENSION and LION'S GATE (which by the way has been severely lacking). i say this now, because i can, sell all your stocks in MGM. the same for Sony. Sony is going to plummet in the next couple years, and MGM will be bought out again. neither are returning on their speculations and both are making decisions only the daft and mad make. so, sell em all right now, so you can afford to buy back into them when they hit $0.20/share. think i'm fucking with you? sony has a history of fuck ups. the advent of the CD and the adoption of BETA by the television industry are the only things that kept that company afloat this long. blu-ray? PS3? dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. both, are going to be their repeat of betamax. though they may be superior technologies, unless you can bring it to the masses for cheap, you suck ass and like it. wow, way off topic. basically, the state of movies sucks these days. we all know it. so, go see beerfest or snakes on a plane. both are worth it, and neither takes itself nearly as serious as many other pieces of crap out there. /end rant. wow, i am one long winded self absorbed sonofabitch.
---
*Disney will always be known as Disnep to me since the cursive Y in the handwritten version of their name always looked like a P to me. hey, as a 4 year old trying to make sense of the world, Disnep worked. and it still works for me. next time you see it, try to not make the same mistake. i dare you.

The Muslims are pissed. Again

2006-09-16T16:50:00.000-04:00

wow, what else is new. apparently the pope gave a speech in which he denounced the spread of the religion through violence. all religion. all violence. but because he made mention of the formative years of islam, in a quote from a 14th century text, THOSE PEOPLE are now up in arms. they want a formal apology from the pope.

now, is it just me or are THESE PEOPLE backwards? you want an apology... or what? you'll get angry? you'll pray? you'll send suicide bombers to the vatican? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DISAGREE WITH? help me understand why you are angry that the pope denounced violence to spread religion? ALL RELIGION. he knows the catholic church sure fucked up a lot in its younger years and used violence and intimidation to proliferate. he knows islam was born of the same. so where's the problem?

it strikes me that people on the fringe of islam, and hell judging by the reaction to a drawing, most of the rest of islam just isn't happy unless they are bitching about something. their kinda like dirty hippies. only, instead of some earth worship crap, they have a judeo-christian amalgamated religion born of the two yet hating both that it stole from. this is why i despise religion in an organized form. too many nutjobs with too little sense.

basically, this is what it boils down to

Dear Islam,
In recent decades many horrible things have been done in your name by people fanatical to causes. This in turn has sullied your name. While you have done little to repair this breach, and even have a hard time denouncing such people, we have grown intolerant of your grumblings. So, dear Islam, we would like to introduce you Mr. Legto Standon. Someday he may be your friend, but right now you need to shut your fucking mouth and listen to what people are saying.

Deepest Regards,
Chud

----------
And now for some links.

when doing a sports recap on live tv. it's a good idea to know it's LIVE TV. oh, and you shouldn't drop f bombs.

The top 5 comedians who had it, then lost it, and how they can get it back. even cracked agrees with me.

uhh... do yourself a favor and check out these pictures and read up on this bolivian prison. i've lived in worse apartments.

this is what happens when you try to jump beyond your skill level. sounds like a sucking chest wound to me. silly BMX guys.

apparently, your shoes do fly off when you get hit by a car. the response time is amazing by the fire department though.

ummm... i, uhh... it's porno... with pterodactyls... i'm confused. this is not safe for work. or for boners. but it is great for a laugh. i... have no words.

Crikey!

2006-09-04T20:44:00.000-04:00

Oh steve, you will be missed. you named your daughter after your dog, and loved taunting deadly animals. we watched you get bit, and hurt and all the while you educated us on the environmental impact of non indigenous animals on a closed system. now, i will find people to give me a grant to mount an expedition to kill that stingray... have fun tormenting the gators in the hereafter.

--------

So, i've been renting a lot of movies lately, and for some reason, i feel that i owe you, my dear readers, a service. a service to save you time and boredom. so, i have some movie reviews for you:

Snakes on a Plane: Go see it. Stop trying to find reviews. you'll love it. don't take it seriously. love it, embrace it. DO IT!

Snakes on a Train: Wow, where to begin... the acting? horrible. the snakes? laughable sense of scale (which i love!). the plot? a girl's family puts an ancient curse on her when she decides to marry the non mayan equivilant of a gentile. this curse, causes her insides to turn into snakes which she vomits out in a blueish oooze. it's kinda ok. not as entertaining as it could have been. however, the totally non sequitur ending was so totally worth it.

BeerFest: GREATEST.MOVIE.EVAR! don't question me. just do it. NOW!

The Matador: Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan? this movie surpassed my expectations. i kept seeing it on the shelves. i kept passing it by. i finally figured i'd rent it. i mean, i like both the actors. i didn't even read the blurb on the back. i just grabbed and ran. am i ever glad i did. it's a movie about a hitman (brosnan) who befriends Kinnear. the dysfunctional friendship and brosnan's performance as a cad really make this a dark comedy worth watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: This was another one i kept seeing on the shelf and finally decided to rent. I LOVED IT. Robert Downy and Val Kilmer really make this movie a fucking hilarious piece of work. this movie is to the mystery drama what scream was to the horror genre. At no point does this movie take itself seriously and actually takes the time to call the audience idiots. in fact, during one "reveal" they even bring back abraham lincoln from the grave (no, it has nothing to do with anything else in the movie). so again, do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

The Sentinel: This decent movie is formulaic at best, and predictable at worst. while the plot has been done, all of it to some extent or another, it is still highly entertaining. if you really need a plot summary basically, think: 24 season 1, coupled with in the line of fire, smacked in the face with US Marshals. it's a decent way to pass the time, plus, sledge hammer plays the president! w00t!

The Constant Gardener: let me transcribe the back of box for you:
Academy award nominee Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz give electrifying performances in this gripping suspense-thriller. A diplomat on the hunt for his wife's murderer uncovers a treacherous conspiracy that will destroy millions of innocent people-unless he can reveal its sinister roots. from the best selling... comes the edge-of-your-seat story of murder, deception and revenge that critics are calling "a hair-raising thriller with an unforgettable finale" (karen durbin, elle).
I want to find that bitch Karen Durbin and give her a "hair raising thriller with an unforgettable ending." this movie... had a runtime of just over two hours. i decided to check on the elapsed time at one point because the story seemed like it had a way to go but it also seemed as though i was nearing the two hour mark. turns out only 40 minutes had elapsed. this movie, moved so painfully slow i thought about shutting it off several times, but i was stuck in the movies pace, so the thought went from my head at 40 minutes in. it took till an hour after that piece of shit ended for me to actually turn it off. every 5 minutes it felt like i was being pitched liberal propaganda, which is fine if it drives the plot. it didn't. the wooden unemotional acting didn't either. if someone wants you to watch this movie, poke them in the eye. then run. they have shitty taste in movies.

H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Wall of Sleep: this. piece. of. shit. sullies. the. good. name. of lovecraft. the plot? what? plot? unimportant. instead, let's shoot a bunch of crap, use it as filler, fuck up the audio levels, and use so many edits even the japanese have siezures. seriously, if this movie were edited down to a 20 minute short, it could be good. that's about all the substance it has in it. as it stands this is the biggest steaming pile of shit out there. it is now added to my worst movies ever list:

1. The Underground Comedy Movie
2. The Blair With Project
2. Beyond the Walls of Sleep
4. Romeo Must Die

yeah, that's right, tied for second with blair witch. oh snap!

so, yeah, there you go. fly my children, fly!

Eddie Murphy: Raw?

2006-08-27T03:02:00.000-04:00

So, i just got done watching Raw on comedy central. they aired it uncut and uncensored. why exactly is this considered one of eddie murphy's best works? it's crap. pure unabashed crap. there were a couple cheap laughs, though, not with the material, totally in the delivery. i remember him being funnier. i remember this performance being funnier. now, i cuss like a sailer so language doesn't bother me, but really, this performance seems more an excuse to say fuck as many times as possible than an actual comedy show. i literally turned it off and switched to c-span weekend during the final bit about his dad. not. funny. i saw that it was on, and oh boy was i excited. i know comedy central likes to run shit after 10 uncensored and shit. and i was so happy. i haven't seen raw since it was on HBO back in the day. the worst part is, i like eddie murphy. but this just does not hold up to the test of time. even the audience seemed bored, at times. seriously, i just turned to c-span weekend instead of watching raw. this irks me. part of this comes from the fact i was chilling at Rev's place and he had dvr'd SNL the best of eddie murphy. we had to turn that off towards the end too. i now have a forever skewed version of eddie. from this day forward, "axel f" will not inspire the same memories, it will not bring that warm blanket of comfort that eddie used to bring. like an ebony angel sweeping down and making me laugh, and warming me to my cockles. i guess this is just another example of not revisiting shit from your youth. it only tarnishes a once sterling memory.

goodbye eddie...

Debates are fun, but not as fun as:

2006-08-24T01:54:00.000-04:00

Knowing you stand no chance of winning an argument and then arguing just to see how red faced others will get. i think i actually prefer debating rediculosity over actually being right. anyhow, did you know that moose will eat you out of malice? i've seen it.

I don't really have much to blog about. i had to close out the comments on the last post cuz i had 69 comments. and anyone who knows me knows that there is no way i could let something like that pass me by.

the drunken adventures have been at a minimum lately. mostly due to funding issues, le sigh. oooh oooh, i saw SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE BITCH! today. what. a. perfect. movie. i missed it opening day due to work, i missed it saturday, due to work, i finally got around to it tonight. i was not let down. not in the least. it had all the components of a great B movie: concept, titties, gratuitous violence, and lack of scale. oh, true enjoyment.

anyhhow, here's 1 in a million ball to the face.

Interesting?

2006-08-13T20:27:00.000-04:00

well, considering arthur c. clarke predicted this style of fuel back in the 60's. i've been lauding it for years. but everyone told me i was insane. but i built the castle, and it sunk into the swamp! i mean, shit, with a hand crank and two nails you could crack water. and we all did in elementary school. so, it stands to reason this is viable. plus the welding shit is cool as fuck.

-----

oh, and scooter:
This is how i will end this debate with you.

*********update: i have closed comments, not because i am tired of the argument, or am disheartened by defeat, but because the comment number is 69. and i am childish and laugh at dick and fart jokes. you can carry on this argument in my newest post if you wish**********

teehee

2006-08-10T19:06:00.000-04:00

w00t! i'm teh leet!

i'm such a dork.

Rev did one, so, now i'm following suit

2006-08-10T18:00:00.000-04:00

Well, since Rev did this silly little survey, i figured i'd do one. i'm not hard pressed for content, in fact i have a glut of content running through my head, i am just unable to form rational thought and cohesive sentences. you see, the stewardess union is waiting a court ruling to see if they can strike, and thus send NWA out of business. but, that's a post for another day. at present, i am being compared to adam sandler, roseanne barr and howard stern. personally i don't think stern is funny, but whatever.

the Shock Jock
(52% dark, 46% spontaneous, 52% vulgar)

your humor style:
VULGAR | SPONTANEOUS | DARK

Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also
sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this
world. You probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart, then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out that she's dead.

Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you like things
trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits (b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on darkness
You scored higher than 99% on spontaneity
You scored higher than 99% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

wow, 99th percentile bitches! though, i thought the questions were kinda lame. but, whatever.

Got a meme in the mail now i'm making it meme madness monday! (yes i know it's tuesday)

2006-08-01T14:24:00.000-04:00

Four things about me:

A): Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Bouncer
2. Applebees Broil cook
3. Security guard
4. Barn Manager/all around evertyhing guy at an HJ barn in South Lyon MI.

B): Four movies I watch over and over:
1. The Big Lebowski
2. Boondock Saints
3. Billy Madison (or happy gilmore)
4. jaws

C): Four places I have lived:
1. Detroit MI
2. Findlay, OH
3. Ortonville MI
4. Livonia MI

D): Four television shows I watch:
1. Simpsons
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
3. Entourage
4. Boston Legal

E): Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Oz
2. New Zealand
3. Grand Cayman
4. Jamaica (heh, notice how i didn't put anything domestic in there. aren't i cool. i mean, look at me. i've been places. god i'm a jackass)

F): Four web sites I visit daily:
1. Fark
2. wikipedia
3. imdb
4. my yahoo

G). Four of my favorites foods:
1. Tortellini in cream sauce or pesto
2. Blackened Sirloin with crumbled bleu cheese
3. BLT Pizza
4. beer brats

H): Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On a boat somewhere in the pacific or atlantic.
2. On a golf course
3. out of debt
4. anywhere that the heat index isn't 104 degrees at noon.

I): Four people I tag:
1. if you want to do it, do it.
2. i'm not going to tag anyone.
3. and if you don't have a blog you can
4. simply do it in my comments.
-----
Hehehehe, gary coleman is a wrestler now?

Wait... Windows Vista has bugs?? a whaa?

with a video title of "merry-go-pwn3d" how can you go wrong?

Some horrible prom outfits, and a poop costume. can you figure out which is which?

Reading this article angers me. the ignorance of the councilman, and the sheer attempt at overlegislation... grrr

The 50 greatest movie endings of all time? i tend to agree with a bunch of them. but, meh.

If I were Dave Chappelle

2006-07-30T10:40:00.000-04:00

After watching the first two “lost episodes” of Chappelle’s show, I’d have left too. I mean let’s face it, he had some really damn funny bits in the first two seasons. He had some stinkers too. I never really liked the Lil’ John skits, the Ashy Larry, or the Crackhead bit. But never would you find an entire show of shitty skits. These “lost episodes” are shittastic, nothing redeeming about them whatsoever. Charlie Murphy and that other fucktard are the absolute worst hosts you could ask for. The skits are hackneyed and tired at best. I didn’t laugh a single time during the two episodes, which not laughing at that show actually made me want to cry. So it’s good to see that Dave (yeah, he and I are on a first name basis) had enough integrity to walk away, knowing full well the consequences of an entire shitty season that you had zero creative control over yet had your name all over it, were far worse than the bad press he received while on hiatus. Still though, the money was nice.

On an unrelated note… when drinking and watching “The decline of western civilization II: the metal years” it’s ok to call Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead fame “Lenny”. You will be ridiculed for it at first, but you can blame it on the booze. Besides, not two minutes later the guy lambasting you will say something far more insane. For example, let’s pretend Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith fame were on screen. Now, let’s pretend that said friend says something to the effect of “blah blah Steve Perry and Joe Tyler!”. The fallout from that comment would be worth blogging about especially when he just got done making fun of you for a simple “m to n” conversion. Plus the random outbursts of Journey songs that come after that comment would just be comedy gold. If, that is, any of this actually happened, and weren’t some elaborate hyperbole. Anyhow, that’s all I got.

------
and now a bevy of links for your viewing enjoyment.

I seriously love backflippers. or, rather, failures at backflipping.

oooh, motorcycly trickeration. dude, you can easily go double that speed. "left leg, ouch?" don't blame me, you shouldn't have listened when i said you could go double that speed.

when following a motorcycle race with a camera on your bike, you should prolly try not to aim for the guy who just wrecked.

yeah, we've all been this drunk at times. but when we holy shit did he just get hit by a car?

hoy shit, this is singularly the worst nutshot i've ever... ouch.

i hesitated to post this since i wanted to try this trick shot on a couple people who read my blog. now, instead, i have accomplices.

uhhh... woops?

uhhh... wow. scroll down so you can read the subtitles. just... wow.

i'm an anarchist? O RLY?

2006-07-27T19:45:00.000-04:00

so i took this test, which i thought to be quite... meh. i hate quizzes about politics that don't have a "neither agree nor disagree". ahh well, i'm all for governing oneself and all that good shit. w00t!

You are a
Social Liberal
(85% permissive)

and an...
Economic Conservative
(91% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Anarchist

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (130, 155)
modscore: (55, 51)
raw: (5449)

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I'm down with O.P.P.

2006-07-23T15:10:00.000-04:00

Wow, ok, so it’s been a while. So I will start out with simply this: I LOVE POUTINE. What? Yeah I said it. French fries, cheese curds and gravy. So damn delicious. Anyhow I had a ton of fun in Canadialand. I mean really, how can you not what with the drinking and golfing and golfing and drinking. I will however say FUCK CANADA. I had to pay duty on 3 cases of beer, yippie shit right? Throw em a fin and be done with it right? FUCKING WRONG BITCHES! After a 5% duty, 7%GST and 38% MOTHERFUCKING PROVINCIAL MARK-UP I am now paying 50% in taxes which just took my $45 purchase and turned it into an almost $70 purchase. Everything is so much more expensive over there, and that’s without the 15% sales taxes you pay on everything. But, I guess that’s the price you pay for shitty socialized health care. I would absolutely love to see the percentages of provincial mark up on all goods, cuz I’m pretty sure it would be fucking scary. You pay around 30% in income tax right out of your check, then 15% on everything you buy, plus the province skims their own vig on the provincial mark up… fuck that. This is why Americans who want social health care are retarded. Talk to Canadians, most of them hold private insurance, otherwise they’d die in line waiting for any kind of operations. Anyhow, I’m done with that. Moving on.

On the drive back there was an accident, and an odd looking one at that. Someone flew off the road at a high enough rate of speed to smack into a telephone pole about 5 or 6 feet up the pole and around 15-20 feet off the road. That’s hard core. However, you know bad shit happened when one ambulance leaves with siren blaring and not 2 minutes later another one leaves, driving slow, and without lights or siren. Guess there’s no rush when you’re just delivering a corpse.

A couple nights ago Rev and I were out doing our thing (read: getting shit faced) and boy did we do it right. We burned through a half gallon of cheap whiskey then decided to hit the bar. I know for certain I was telling the waitress I wanted to do shots off her ass, which, apparently I thought was a spectacular ass. Then I proceeded to have a full conversation with the 50 year old bartender lady about women’s breasts. A bunch of whiskey and jager bombs later we headed to a diner, I have no clue what I ate, but I know for certain I was hitting on the waitress like mad. She also had a stellar ass and for some reason when I’m drunk I feel that the more I tell a woman how great her ass is, the more smooth I am being. I was told she’s a lesbian, but I refuse to believe it. I want my illusions.

blah?

2006-06-29T19:31:00.000-04:00

i have absolutely nothing interesting to say. and this upsets me. grrrr. so, instead i leave you with some links. be warned, i was in a dark mood when i found some of these. some of them may contain fatalities. nothing graphic like blood, just... well, you'll see.

Motorcycle race turns one a bike accident into a one bike, two crew and another bike accident.

so there's a horse race, and a rogue horse running the wrong way... i hope he has insurance.

la la la la la... just runnin from the cops, what's the worst that could happ...

this guy is the fastest clothes taker offerer evar!

note to self, don't fuck with this guy.

classic clip of the dude with headinelephantsassitis.

pretty sure i posted the japanese wake up pranks... now, i will never use a port-a-pisser in japanland either. the first few are nothing too big, but the last three are priceless.

and still more of those crazy japs and their trickery. now i have to add never using a massage chair in a spa on a mountain to the list.

single greatest ventreloquist evar!

comprehensive list of all the full length cartoons on you-tube.

and a shitty ms paint contest for the snakes on a plane poster.

Fred Phelps

2006-06-22T01:19:00.000-04:00

I love the Westboro Baptist Church. Yes, I said love. Now let me explain. I hate their message. I find it repugnant to say that you are happy soldiers are dead. In fact one of their messages is "thank god for dead soldiers" and "thank god for 9/11". I've read most of God Hates Fags and God Hates America which, if you can get over how shitty the design and the message, are actually quite inadvertently funny in their hate and misinformation. This is where my love for them comes in. They are 100% pure entertainment. While I think it's shitty they protest Soldier's funerals, the manner in which they do it, and the cocksureness they have in their whackalooniness is so heartwarmingly enjoyable as to piss a brother off, and yet, provide a solid bit of entertainment.

One of the radio stations in the area likes to interview Fred Phelps when he comes to town and that man is pure bile and entertainment. I have never seen nor heard an interview with any of these batshit crazies that didn't break down to the interviewer just going all crusader on the person and the nutjob throwing out some half assed insult and then continuing on with their clearly brainwashed rhetoric. The really funny part is when the interviewers get flabbergasted at the nutsycookoos sheer dismissal of logic/reason/biblical contradictions. It is this brazen display of "pick and choose" rule following and dismissal of the interviewers and their beliefs that truly provide me my entertainment. It’s kinda like watching the Manson girl’s parole hearings.

Now, while they do provide me with a modicum of entertainment would I be sad if they all died a horrible fiery death? Nope. Would I thank god? Nah, freedom of speech is after all, freedom for all. Would I find extremely hilarious if during them chanting "thank god for IEDs" they were suddenly all mortally wounded/maimed/disfigured or otherwise hurt by a roadside bomb? You know I would. in fact, were I consuming any beverage at the time I either saw or heard that announcement, it would be coming out my nose I’d be laughing so hard. Am I a sick man? Yes, yes I am.

Side note: the WBC (westboro baptist church) has less than 100 members, 80% of which are family... how shitty must family gatherings be? "Daddy, can I have a big wheel?" "No son, big wheels are for fags. You don't want to go to hell do you?”

------
To all the soldiers and their families, I wish you all the best, and a heartfelt thank you.
------

Whackaloon on Hannity and Colmes.

Same nutjob on a different fox show.

Freud?

2006-06-16T19:05:00.000-04:00

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (26%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.
Phallic (83%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Latency (43%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests.
Genital (63%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

yeah yeah, i took one of these damn things. pretty damn accurate too for a shitty personality test dilly. i've been having trouble coming up with something to post about, but soon children... soon.

Tell me why! I don't like Mondays...

2006-06-05T13:00:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, on a Monday not unlike today (it was today) there a couple of friends driving in a van from point a to point b. it was a peaceful noonish hour. Neither friend saying much as both had just awakened from their respective slumbers. The occasional, "tell my why!?" could be heard, with a half hearted response of, "I don't like mondaaaaaays" and possibly an, "I want to shoo ooo ooo ooot, the whole day down." all of this lethargy was punctuated by neither friend actually breaking into full on song mode (as is a common occurrence). So, whilst stopped at light in transit the driver looks at the passenger, not in a gay way, but in an "I’m trying to be subtle" way, while rolling up his window. This of course strikes the passenger as odd as without the breeze the 79 degree weather doesn't seem so "comfortable" anymore. The passenger makes note to the driver of these conditions and says unto the driver, "heh. Uhh?" to which the driver responds, "I have my reasons."

at this point, the passenger's eyes bulge out of his head, he is craning his neck about, then in an excited tone asks, "are there picketers up ahead??!?!?!?!" you see, the passenger loves picketers. Well, hates, them, but loves to lob objects and obscenities at them. But the passenger can't see the picketers as there are many semi trucks in the way blocking his view. Then, it happened. The light turned green, the trucks no longer an issue, and there laid out before him on the drivers side of the road were picketers. Lots of them. So passenger decided to crawl his fat ass halfway out the wide open passenger window so he could both look at and yell to the picketers. The first group of picketers were struck in awe as they heard the words "GO BACK TO WORK IMMIGRANTS! THIS IS NO WAY TO GET CITIZENSHIP! GO BACK TO WORK!" the passenger thought he had hit the bulk of them, and saw some stragglers and decided hurl a couple "motherfuckers" at them. THEN HE SAW THE MOTHERLODE! Holy shit there must have been around 100 lazy union bastards sitting around eating in one giant. They couldn't even picket without a proper lunch hour. "Sorry tom, union rules, I don't have to carry this sign for the next 49 minutes and if you try to make me, I’m gonna call my rep." so the bulk of the picketers also get the "go back to work immigrants!!" treatment. As the friends get caught at the next light, driver checks his mirrors and says (in a laughing tone),"dude, every single person is staring at us." passenger cannot help but laugh and speculate as to their utter confusion as to what just transpired. a fat man, leaning out of a minivan window telling them to get back to work and calling them immigrants. On their lunch break no less.

I err... passenger nor driver knew what they were striking over. but ever since "the day without a Mexican" when passenger saw parents (non immigrants) picketing the local school board for a recall and decided to call them immigrants and to go back to work, it has become his standard. However, I would never drive past an immigrant protest and call them union workers. That’d just be mean. And I’m not THAT insensitive. So, driver and passenger talked about making shirts and signs with new slogans. Slogans they could really stand behind, and go join the picketers. Slogans like, "UNIONS ARE KILLING AMERICA'S ECONOMY! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?" and "UNIONS ARE FOR LAZY SELF IMPORTANT ASSHOLES!" and my favorite, "IMMIGRANTS WILL DO YOUR JOB FOR 1/3 THE PAY, KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT AND ACTUALLY WORK!" and with the prevalence of the UAW (united auto workers (u aint workin')) we'll never be out of picket lines to hit. Now, if we could get corporate sponsors we could make a living at this shit. Anyhow, time for my lunch break. I cannot be bothered.

-------
This dude made a transformers costume. THAT TRANSFORMS!

Breast implants save lives. as this TLC clip will prove. (totally safe for work)

hehehehe, ALMOST as good as the faceplant guy. but, it is a fun "so you think you can dance" clip.

well, since i never posted it, the faceplant guy from "SYTYCD"

new tourettes guy video. NSFW (adult language)

“Hey this is my roommate. He likes to pound ass!”

2006-05-28T16:56:00.000-04:00

… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Wow… so updates. Right now I’m chillin in the back seat somewhere on I-10 in Florida. The last few days have been a blur. And well they should be as I had a 680 dollar bar tab (I had to take it easy since I didn’t have a lot of money). But brief rundown/ lessons learned on this trip:

I love lesbians.

Girls named Kari from Kentucky who are hot as shit and making out with you will not sleep with you because of the gigantic rock on her finger.

Girls named Erin won’t sleep with you cuz her girlfriend is angry and she just got nailed an hour earlier.

Erin’s girlfriend won’t sleep with you because the guy she’s making out with is hotter than you. However both girls will give you their digits and place of employment so you can call and come visit when you all get home.

Girls named Julie won’t sleep with you cuz your younger brother managed to stay sober longer to spit more game.

Girls named Tara won’t sleep with you cuz “I’m gonna pass out on the floor cock up, why don’t you come ride it?” is not a good line… apparently.

Ordering tequila shots by the handful for yourself to catch up with everyone else that happen to be drunk… not a good idea, as I am no longer vomit free since 2003.

Oh, girls named Natasya from Macedonia who are back in training as a competitive kick boxer and who will match your tiger style with her crane style will not sleep with you no matter how badly they want to because it will get them fired. Also when confronted with a Mui Thai stance, she will grapple your ass and start throwing knees, which in the middle of a dining room is just fucking hot. It’s hot anywhere but it was hotter there.

Girls named Janelle from the Philippines will not sleep with you even though you promise to give her your e-mail and profess your love for her in Tagalog.

I am now immortalized on Carnival Imagination, as I was walking past the dice table I heard the dealer on stick say, “winner winner chicken dinner!” I stopped, then I heard it from the roulette table. And neither person could have seen me as I was behind both of them, and sober (read: not yelling).

Crazy Polish dudes don’t appreciate a solid cock block, and they will return to the scene of the crime after you’re gone. Only to be ignored. HA!

When I am in full on bumrush drunk mode and come into the room and kick off my sandals not unlike a ninja and Joe tries to block them from hitting him, I take exception to his arm block technique and tell him not to shush me like I;m the damn toxic avenger.

Oh, if you party till 430 am and have to wake up at 7am to disembark you will be hating yourself. However when you decide to be the goodwill ambassador to friends in the line by delivering champagne to them it makes it slightly more bearable. Oh, and when someone says to you, “Jesus Christ it’s 8am!” the only proper response to that is, “booze can’t tell time”.

Going through customs with a buzz=FUN!

Also, since the line to disembark runs past your room, getting in line is for losers, instead, open your door sit in comfort drink champagne and watch cheaper by the dozen two and wait for the line to pass you by. Cuz really, why wait in line in you can watch TV, drink and smoke.

Oh, and family sucks. Well, mostly my brother, since he decided he needed to inform everyone at our table that I have another addiction. I laugh at brown words. It’s juvenile I know, but suddenly a light bulb appeared over everyone’s head when they suddenly realized why I was always giggling like a schoolgirl whenever they would announce anything to do with the duty free. So then, for the rest of the night people would just walk past me and drop a kaka here, a feces there and doodies abound (ok, I’m laughing really hard at the thought of poop being flung about so willie nillie). So yes, there is another confession for you. Oh, when people say stuff like, “yeah but, fuckin the roads are horrible” all I hear is “butt fuckin”. Anyhow, it’s quarter to 6 and we’re in Georgia and my brain is addled. So I don’t know when I will post this. But I’m sure I’ll scam some wifi somewhere between here and Detroit.
-----
well, i had posted this about 6 hours ago, and after awaking from my nap, seems i did not actually post it. meh. meh. anyhow, yeah, if someone had an rss and would like to copy the original update from the bottom in the comments i'd appreciate it.

Yaaaaar! show me pirate booty!

2006-05-24T16:07:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s been an interesting last couple of days so far. I’ll try to make this concise… but you all know me. Anyhow, we drove from Detroit to Miami starting Sunday morning. For the most part is pretty easy going other than my brother still being drunk when we started. And since he was drunk, he was goofy as shit. The first part of the trip wasn’t bad, we blew through Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee like it was our job. We made tracks through Atlanta that would have made general Sherman proud, the whole while doing battle with a fucking mini cooper that had a vanity plate that read “UK CAR” to which we laughed and then proceeded to do battle. Anyhow, all I have to say is, FUCK FLORIDA. The way they run their toll road, and sheer amount of time spent driving through that godforsaken state are enough to piss a brother off. So we finally get into Miami and traffic is backed up like whoa so we hopped off and cruised the barrio.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before you with a confession. I, am an addict. I love Spanish language programming. If my cable company had telemundo or univision I would never change the channel. As we were cruising through the states I would simply hit the scan button and stop on the first Spanish language channel I heard. I love it. I understand none of it. But I’m addicted. So it seemed fitting to cruise Miami listening to latin programming. I, am a dork.

So after a short nap in the parking garage we boarded the boat. The rest, is a bit of a blur. I know there was a lot of drinking. A LOT of drinking. There was some rowdieness and some game spitting, and allegedly some bar stool falling off of-ing. I know for certain last night I danced to Beat It, and moonwalked to deafening cheers. I may or may not have stood around the craps table just being a drunken lout and trying to get people to come play so I could yell “NEW SHOOTAH!!!!” and “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”. Apart from all that the last two nights have been spent in total inebriation talking with one of the girls from my bowling league trying to solve the worlds problems. Last night, we solved all problems domestic. Perhaps tonight we’ll solve all the global issues. I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Apparently, when it’s early morning and joe hacks up a lung and spits into the toilet and flushes it, in my booze/sleep addled ears it sounds like he litteraly coughed up his stomach and fed it to an Orc. He came out of the bathroom and I slurred, “is there an orc in the bathroom?” since then there have been ritual tithings to the orc. Don’t ask. I’m not sure why I chose an orc. I was still drunk. And asleep. Screw you for judging me!

So today was our day in Grand Cayman. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I was in pirate heaven. I was just walking yelling, “yaaaar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!” and I was shouting at the pirate ships, which is always fun. The one ship was named the Anne Bonney, who herself was a female pirate under Captain Cack Rackham. i believe that was his name. but that’s where the homage ended as they were sailing under the standard of the jolly roger, and not Cap’n Jack’s. whatever, the Jolly Roger is a lot more recognizable. Anyhow, the one major thing I noticed was the sever lack of urchins hawking their wares. I mean, in the Bahamas as soon as you get off the boat you are accosted by street vendors and taxi drivers and shell game guys and hair braiders every 2 feet. It’s almost work just to avoid being taken in by a scam. But here, it was awesome, get off the boat, and there are a couple of people with signs informing you of their legitimate business and its services and no one yelling or groping, or overall shilling. Plus there are no stop signs. It’s weird. And all the drivers stop at the crosswalks very politely and allow you to cross. I kept wanting to go into any one of the banks and inquire about a corporate account. Anyhow, I have typed for long enough, I need to get my drink on. Tomorrow is Jamaica and I’m sure it’s gonna get ugly. w00t!!

Wow… I really rambled.

good day.

2006-05-21T02:18:00.000-04:00

well, tonight my cousin had his grad party from college. it got a little drunk out and in 8 hours i'm going to be on my trek to florida to leave the port of miami on my way to jamaica and grand cayman. i'm not typing well right now, cuz the jager bombs were flowing freely. i had a point. but i forgot it. anyhow, we're driving to Fla. so for 20 hours it's me my brother joe and my other brother joe. well, one of them isn't my brother. you get to guess which. HA! something something blah blah. yeah, i got nothin. so, leave me hate mail while i'm gone. i've never had hate mail from the blog. anyhow, i think i hear some beer calling my name. gaaah!

--------

HA! you fool! shoulda bought a fuzz buster.

hehehehe. chick does the cola and mentos gag, inside herself.

la la la la i'ma jump off some playground equipment... wonder how successful i'll be?

the worst part is, i have a couple buddies who do this dance every single time this song is played. the sad part? the karaoke hostess makes sure to play it...

passion.

2006-05-12T03:54:00.000-04:00

Passion. that's what i miss most...

---------

a slight "classic" as in, it's two years old and awesome. my man, you just kicked in the nuts.

again, another super backflip.

wait did mario just get... what the fuck? up is down, black is white, short is long...

did fatty just call him a bandejo?

Why I would be a great boyfriend.

2006-05-02T04:31:00.000-04:00

ok, so i figured that i needed to list the quatlities of myself that would make a good catch to the fairer sex. then i realized that's pretty gay and lame and i'm not emo enough to be that desperate. so instead, i figured i should list all the bad qualities about me. that way, if some woman wishes to engage me, she at least knows what the time is on the street. so... here goes:

1. I'm loud. and by loud, i mean that i have no volume control. add alcohol and you can hear me from a county over.

2. i drink. a lot. while i don't view this as a problem, past girlfriends have. however, consumption volumes never increased from the time they met me to the time they started dating me. but they still liked to bitch about it. which brings me to

3. I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT. verbal, physical, whatever. i'll try to talk my way out of fisticuffs (the bouncer in me) but when it comes to arguments i don't let it go. and if you're making a big deal out of nothing i will call your ass out and not stand for it.

4. i don't do drama. i don't have a vagina, i don't care about girl talk. i don't care what your friends think about their boyfriends, and i don't care that they pissed you off. handle that shit internally and don't spread it around. that's just poor form.

5. i like sports. i like to watch sports. i like guns. i like to watch gun sports. i like cars. i HATE car sports. i like motorcycles. i like to watch motorcycle sports. it's confusing, i know. but if the channel i'm watching has "SPORTS" in the name, or is an acronym with "sports" in it... then no, i will not change the channel to watch the notebook. again, i don't have a vagina, it does not interest me.

6. i will never be honest about how many girls i've "been with". for the most part, i picked i a number and stopped counting thereafter. no i can't put a name to every person. and if you ask, the answer is always 12. the only reason this is: i don't know the number. and thinking about it is too much effort. so, 12 is what you get. and 12 is what i stand by.

7. i don't get jealous. i've dated enough strippers to have found that emotion useless. you wanna go out with the girls to a singles bar? fine. you wanna dress like a hooker and have dinner with 3 of your exes? have fun. you wanna end up in someone elses bed instead of mine at the end of the night? curb... meet girl, she has been kicked to you. HOWEVER! if turnabout is fair play... then ok. fuck who you want just don't bring me any diseases.

8. i'm blunt, and crass and tactless. well, that's not truly true. i have all three qualities, i have however, decided they serve me no purpose in the day to day. so don't ask me questions you don't want honest answers to. "does this make me look fat?" nope. the fact that you outgrew it 6 months ago on an eating spree makes you look fat.

9. i'm fat. and not in that "does this make me look fat" sort of way. if you have eyes, you can see i'm fat. if you have hands, you can feel i'm fat. if you have ears, you can hear me wheezing cuz i'm fat and out of shape.

10. because i'm fat, i sweat. sex with me is like having a lubed up pig convulse on top of you. eventually i'm done and you're questioning why you let me do that to you when you secretely hate yourself for subjecting yourself to the whole experience.

11. i snore. upstairs, and down. fair warning.

12. i know all. and i will argue a point to the death. till you prove me wrong. then, i will concede the win, but until then... watch your ass, cuz i'll be obnoxious about that shit. two weeks later, after you've forgotten, i'll bring up some information that supports my claim. you will not be happy.

13. i'm 27, lack gainful employ, and live with my parents. I'M A CATCH! hehehehehehhe

so, any ladies who read that and want a piece of the chud... well, you can reach me at:
FindlayTex - Aim and Yahoo messenger.
DrunkenChud@hotmail.com - MSN

anyone else? well.. i got nothin. i've been drinking (surprise!) and the wings lost their first round series tonight. so... i'm sad since now the only thing to watch is basketball (ack!) or baseball (slightly better than basketball). grrrrr. well, that's all.

This is my friday night

2006-04-28T22:15:00.000-04:00

[21:21] Bobby Brown: Im about to head over to my cousins
[21:21] Bobby Brown: what are you doing tonight?
[21:22] FindlayTex: not much. teh rents are gone for teh weekend. and i smell like a pizza kitchen. i think i'ma try to eat myself.
[21:22] Bobby Brown: lol
[21:22] Bobby Brown: but, you want to roll with or? you stayin home?
[21:22] FindlayTex: what's goin on teh cuz's?
[21:23] Bobby Brown: few ppl hanging out
[21:23] Bobby Brown: mostly some dirty fuckers
[21:23] Bobby Brown: im just bored and it something to do
[21:23] FindlayTex: whooooores?
[21:23] Bobby Brown: doubtful.. but, maybe
[21:23] Bobby Brown: i didnt really ask..
[21:23] Bobby Brown: i dont ask the question now that i have a g/f and i just noticed that
[21:24] FindlayTex: meh. thanks for the offer, i think i'ma just get some whiskey and chill here. maybe rent a movie and molest myself.
[21:24] Bobby Brown: right on
[21:24] FindlayTex: speaking of, what alicia doing this evening?
[21:24] Bobby Brown: she is at a party.
[21:24] Bobby Brown: a party that i didnt much want to go to
[21:24] FindlayTex: let's go to her party. she hangs wit chicas
[21:24] Bobby Brown: no
[21:25] Bobby Brown: its in taylor or some shit
[21:25] FindlayTex: chicas i can either hit on, or piss off. either way fun for me.
[21:25] Bobby Brown: and we'd be OLD FUCKERS
[21:25] FindlayTex: dude, i've made peace with that.
[21:25] Bobby Brown: like 22-26 hanging out with 18-19 y/o's
[21:25] FindlayTex: heh
[21:25] Bobby Brown: i have to.. on an individual basis
[21:26] FindlayTex: BUT THEY'RE 18-19. WHICH MEANS THEY'RE DUMB. AND EASY!
[21:26] Bobby Brown: Not her friends..
[21:26] Bobby Brown: they all have those gay b/f things
[21:26] Bobby Brown: they are relationship girls
[21:26] Bobby Brown: you have a way better chance finding whores going to my cousins
[21:26] Bobby Brown: some skeezy always comes threw the door
[21:27] Bobby Brown: anyhow
[21:27] Bobby Brown: im showring..
[21:27] Bobby Brown: Ill call you when i leave.. to see if you still want to chew on your arm and molest yourself
[21:28] FindlayTex: ALL 18-19 GIRLS ARE EASY. EVEN WITH BOYFRIENDS. see there's a recipe, it goes like this: borfriend + booze + other dudes = pissing contest. girl + booze + pissing contest boyfriend paying no attention to her + strange fat man paying her compliments = my dick sucked.

-------------

[21:39] Gina rip: Hello
[21:40] FindlayTex: are you going to spam me? cuz i should let you know, i'm not very good looking.
[21:40] FindlayTex: and i'm also an extremely sexy pirate.
[21:40] FindlayTex: i know, it's a conundrum
[21:40] FindlayTex: not good looking, yet still a sexy pirate.
[21:41] FindlayTex: i feel it's more the romance of the pirate life than anything.
[21:41] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
[21:41] FindlayTex: damn.
[21:41] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on

-------------

This is a 5 or so minute clip, of a talent show. in which some people re-enact an entire level of Super Mario Bros. I love it cuz i'm a dork. you'll love it cuz you're a dork too.

adding to my dorkiness... watching tetris grand masters go head to head makes me want to cry. i couldn't stop watching. it's like a fucking trance.

Life isn't always easy on the porn set. sometimes, you have to have a dildo light saber battle to see who's on top. no nudity, just dildo handled lightsabers.

the best backflips only go half right. this is a classic.

Get a clue.

2006-04-25T06:58:00.000-04:00

there has been a chain letter flitting it's way around teh intarwebs about how to lower gas prices. it states some stupid shit about not buying from exxon mobil or anything under that moniker. it makes no reference to abating use or demand. whatever, it's a retarded chain written by somebody who failed high school econ. you're stupid for believing it if you read it, and you're stupid for trying to enact what they say. if demand stays the same, and the supply isn't going to see a glut anytime soon, then your prices won't fall. the thing that pissed me off most was that during a news report today, some john q. public referenced this chain letter. i laughed, cuz, well, retards make me laugh.

but here's where i start getting pissed off: earnings statements for the first quarter are coming out this week. exxon mobil will announce thursday, BP has already, whatever. so, after the earnings statements come out, the news is all over them, "LOOK AT THE PROFITS THE EVIL OIL COMPANIES ARE POSTING"!!!! ok, fine, you need something to attract viewers, gas prices are high, and people are sheep. w00t. but, they're businesses. they're supposed to turn a profit. now, stop, and think about this for a second... what if any one of the top three oil companies actually posted a loss? personally, i don't want to see that day. that will be an ugly day. now, instead of getting all preachy and talking about shit that everybody should know, i'm simply going to point out some math:

this is going to be tailored to michigan, as it's the state i live in

crude oil/barrel...........$70.00 ($1.40/gal)
michigan state tax.........$0.19875/gal plus 6% sales tax
federal excise tax.........$0.184/gal

so right now, we have:

$1.40
$0.19875
+ $0.184
$1.78275

this price does not include the 6% sales tax. which if it did would put it at $1.89/gal. now, since i couldn't find any reliable sources as to the cost per gallon to refine crude i'm just going to pose a simple question: with gas prices in the area around $2.89/gal do you think you can refine, store, transport, pay your employees, and turn a profit for less than one dollar per gallon? well, actually to be really fair, less than $0.94 (we still need to add the sales tax on). i mean, gas stations run themselves right? there's no overhead, so owners shouldn't need to mark up the product at all right?

anyhow, for 1979, adjusted for inflation the average price per gallon was $2.93 and that was adjusted to 2000 dollars. this being 2006 that sum would be quite a bit higher pushing it over $3.00/gallon. blah blah blah blah. i'm sick of hearing people bitch and moan and blame the oil companies cuz they're teh evil. well, without them you'd be walking asshole. so either, drive less, or shut your cake hole.

for the record:
BP's first quarter report:.............$5.6 billion (-$1 billion from 2005)
Google's first quarter report:......$2.3 billion
Pfizer's first quarter report:........$4.1 billion
McDonalds first quarter report:..$5.1 billion

and some light reading if you want it:
in case you don't pay attention at the pump and want to see what your state is charging you per gallon

the study commissioned by the state of michigan in 2000 for gas prices, trends, etc. (pdf)

so anyhow, i'm tired now, it's 7am, and i am all preached out.

Very Interesting

2006-04-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

For those of you not familiar with the two gentlemen in the photograph, they are Mikhail Kalashnikov and Eugene Stoner. The sheer symbolism of this picture goes well beyond that of mutual respect. But more to the ability of man to overcome itself. Read up on the men, and realize on a larger scale what that picture represents to you.

-------
ok. enough thinking. now... time to enjoy some links.

Apparently, rumors were that the orginal Super Mario Bros. was laden with Communist propaganda. Somebody decided to REALLY make it blatant. this one of the better flash animations i've seen.

I want to party with this chick. she can pee, do a beer bong, chew bubble gum, and speak drunken jibberish all at the same time.

Carolyn Murphy, S.I. Supermodel, has a sex tape. here's 3 or so minutes of it. Gotta love a girl who knows how to please herself while on top. mmm mmm.

Easter Egg Hunt

2006-04-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

So, every year, the family gets together and has an easter egg hunt. now, all of us are over 21, so, it's more of beer drinking while meandering the aunt's house looking for plastic eggs. funny thing is, my uncle writes up a list of where he hides the eggs so that we can find them should we, well, fail. last night, as we had all reached our quota a newcomer on the scene, my cousin's fiance, was two eggs short. we used the list, we scoured, we drank more, and more, and became complacent. we gave up. two eggs short. so, a few hours and a couple board games later i'm taking a leak and see one behind some potpourri cans. NOW WE'RE ONLY ONE SHORT! so, going over there today for easter dinner, and to try to find that last egg... i'm betting the little kids who hunt today are gonna find it. little punks.

------------

Happy Easter Jehova's Witnesses. THAT'S NOT PIOUS!

Do not watch this. it is not safe for work. you cannot unsee it.

grrr

2006-04-13T02:54:00.000-04:00

angry drunken post about friends and betrayal, brewing. sad post about about wonton lust and not getting the girl, seeping through. happy post about seeing a girl i grew up with, even if she was with the guy whose ass i had to kick 3 months ago or so, bubbling. fuck it. so i had these friends. had being the operative word. we tried going into business together, we formed a company, they, after we had a meeting and discussed time frames, decided to renege on discussed time frames, then talk to the lawyer behind my back (which i had to talk my way out of a $400 bill thank you) to get themselves out of the company. well, after doing this, they then decided to empty the company account. which, i told them up front i would give them the cash, if they asked for it. but they stole it. period. behind my back, closed the company account. currently i'm deciding on legal action, since i am within my rights to do so. but, i haven't decided. anyhow, so they clean out the account, and sign over their shares 5 months in advance of the drop dead date we had set. i guess i thought peoples word's were worth something. so, they get engaged (presumably with the stolen money) and are now looking at a house to purchase. how did i find out about the house? well, we were hanging out and i was checking out the digital camera they had and scrolling through the pics and noticed a pic of a house. with a for sale sign in the yard. i asked, they hesitated, i knew. but they said it was a house they looked at. at least their hesitation tells me they feel guilty about being shitheads. so, then i see who their agent is in the pics. abviously it's not me, cuz, well, the screwing never stops, it's a guy i prompted to get into the biz about a year ago at my birthday. the problem here isn't that they wanted to go their seperate ways, i can dig that. it's that they went about it all behind my back and thought i wouldn't notice. like i'm a fucking retard. like the lawyer doesn't immediately call me when they call about this shit that fucking day. then a few weeks later they decide to tell me. i already knew assholes. like the bank doesn't call me as soon as they close the account, which by the way they have never said boo about. so fuck em. if that's how they conduct themselves, i'm glad their out now, instead of later. dead weight... gone. friends... done. don't need em.

as for the second thing that was seeping... fuck it. i have no game. i am in the friend zone. she's rad enough i can dig that, but it will take a while. not everyone can see me as the sexy bitch i see myself as. hehe. meh, fuck it, this drunk ass is out. if ever i get too cocksure, someone please remind of this whiney bitch ass post and put me back in place. who knew booze turned me into a fuckin balless pussy.

I'm a sexy pirate.

2006-04-12T00:59:00.000-04:00

[00:08] vicecityrocks: hi... nyone there?
[00:09] Findlaytex: is this gonna be spam?
[00:09] vicecityrocks: lol, im not spammiing you.
[00:09] Findlaytex: whew.
[00:09] vicecityrocks: oh your there :) zi...
[00:09] Findlaytex: heh. been getting a lot of IM spam lately.
[00:09] vicecityrocks: a/s/l (age sex lpcation)?
[00:10] Findlaytex: 27 male detroit. you?
[00:10] vicecityrocks: im 27/f/USA. was lookin at your profile. thought you migght like to chat.
[00:10] vicecityrocks: so what have you beenn up to findlaytex?
[00:11] Findlaytex: not a whole heck of a lot.
[00:11] Findlaytex: workin. drinkin.
[00:11] vicecityrocks: cool. i was just hangin out watching tv. i was getting kinda horny :) (*blushes))
[00:11] vicecityrocks: oh no not work... thats a 4 letter word yoi know..
[00:11] Findlaytex: heh.
[00:11] Findlaytex: yes, i do know.
[00:11] vicecityrocks: feel like a little cyber fun wih me ? please please...
[00:11] Findlaytex: sure why the hell not.
[00:12] Findlaytex: just so you know, i'm a pirate.
[00:12] Findlaytex: eye patch, and all.
[00:12] Findlaytex: but a sexy pirate.
[00:13] vicecityrocks: alright :) how bouut i get down on my knees in front of you and help you out of your pants?
[00:13] Findlaytex: well, you know how to start a party don't. you? let me help you with the belt.
[00:13] vicecityrocks: tell me what ou want me to do with you while i slip out of my panties
[00:13] vicecityrocks: oh yeah babe.. dont stop. while i slide my hand down between my llegs and part my moist lips
[00:13] vicecityrocks: oh it feels so good. Im holding your pulsing cock in my hand, my shiny red fingernails dig gently into your bals, while my full, soft lips engulf the mass of your meat
[00:13] vicecityrocks: open my website so you can lopk at me while im sucking you. use the link in my profile!
[00:16] Findlaytex: wow, you're kinda hit. can't you send stacy or elisabeth my way?
[00:16] Findlaytex: maybe both of them.
[00:16] Findlaytex: they would love my fat rolls and small cock.
[00:18] Findlaytex: nothing? is the party over?
[00:19] Findlaytex: i'm sorry. i AM the face of E.D.
-------------

yeah, so that's what you get when i haven't been drinking and someone spams me. god i love spammers. so, went to the Wings game tonight, we wooped some ass and took the presidents trophy outright. so fuck all y'all lesser teams. other than that, nothing new going on. lately i've been less of a drunken chud and more of a sober chud. this has to do with my lack of money which is due to my lack of gainful employment. well, any employment really. so, you'll all know when i have money cuz the drunken rambling posts will be a plenty.

-------------

ALL LINKS POP

If you ignore the dumbasses behind the camera, the outcome is hilarious.

Did he just knock himself out? good thing the ref called it.

Ok, this is kinda cool. Game 6 of the '86 series between BoSox and NyMets. re-enacted on RBI baseball, with the original call from the game. (8 1/2 minutes long).

Stick it up ya Jaxie you jizz faced gobshites

2006-04-05T15:10:00.000-04:00

[13:42] Ashley k 5937: Hey you
[13:44] FindlayTex: is this gonna be spam?
[13:44] Ashley k 5937: Whatup go to 92ir82pg7jwv33CuddleCove.compio9v62w8e7u156
[13:44] FindlayTex: gah! ya got me!
------

well, i got nothin. hopefully i will bless you all with a nice drunken post this evening. otherwise, all you get today is links! w00t. and watch out, i just learned how to make my links pop up in new windows. so now i'm teh l337!

do not stick things in your urethra. this video will tell you why not.

What is the easter bunny doing the other 364 days? KICKIN' ASS!

if this were a real dealership commercial, i'd so buy from them. (nsfw language)

hehehe. marry lou retton he is not. dumbass.

i'm not too entirely sure who torrie wilson is. but she get's knocked the fuck out!

dude tries to eat 50 cadbury eggs. gets to 25, then rapidly loses 20. the sheer volume of vomit at the end... GOLD! cool hand luke he is not.

Cinco De Mayo?????

2006-04-01T05:40:00.000-05:00

For the last few evenings I have seen a poorly made and, extremely hilarious commercial for a local municipality. This commercial is for, you guessed it: Cinco de Mayo! It’s just now April... and they're running a commercial for Cinco de Mayo. You don't even get that kind of dedication to St. Pat's. Now, the funniest part is the small as shit (2 miles wide by about 6 miles long), and pretty much a 50/50 split between black and white trash township that's having the "cinco de mayo fiesta". Yes kids, I’m talking about Redford. Redford is our Detroit buffer. It’s not as shitty as Detroit, but it's not as nice as the rest of the area. The thing is, I don't think there's a Mexican contingent in Redford at all. sure, there's the golf courses, so of course there's laborers, but I don't think that qualifies as a large enough contingent to have a Cinco de Mayo 2 day event. As far as I know, there aren't even any Mexican restaurants in Redford. So, while all of these thoughts were flying through my head I continued watching the commercial. There is a great graphic you can hardly see of the band "Monumental Mariachi Cora! With smarmy looking men around a man who could quite possibly be the Alcalde. That gives way to a graphic for the band "Caporales de la Sierra!”, then they say something about Mexican food and there are two Mexicans standing in what looks a funnel cake booth. Next is some cut away shots of fat white kids followed by some shots of little black and white kids (I am pausing the tivo to try to find Mexicans right now since it came on again whilst I was typing this). Oooh a shot of a tall Mexican and some shitty "fair" sombreros and more fat white people in biker jackets. And that's pretty much the whole commercial. HOWEVER! During this whole thing, as I am staring with my mouth agape, there is an announcer giving normal commercial commentary on everything. The announcer is the best part. The coup de grâce. It’s basically a white dude, holding his nose, doing the absolute WORST Speedy Gonzalez impersonation evar! I keep replaying this piece of trash and laughing my ass off. I absolutely have to go to this atrocity. I will have big wet burritos, and wear sombrero's and drink mucho dos equis and tequila while the real Mexicans that were bused in as entertainment look on in horror as a fat white man with an eye patch (of course I’ll have the pirate eye patch on) bastardizes their culture. I will say (see: drunkenly yell) things like "Mas cervesas por favor!!!!!" and yell sing/fake the words to "la bamba". But then, I’m a cad and this celebration has about as much to do with Mexican independence as it does the war over Toledo. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
-----------

i don't know what to say to this:

[04:55] Ndaydream69: hi, 19/f bi curious and 26/m findlay, ohio, bored wana chat maybe meet up sometime
[04:56] FindlayTex: can i bring a friend?
[04:56] Ndaydream69: sure
[04:56] FindlayTex: she's fat.
[04:57] Ndaydream69: maybe just have you at first though if that is ok?
[04:57] FindlayTex: i'm fat.
[04:58] Ndaydream69: lol, funnny, not into games bye
[04:58] FindlayTex: bye
[04:58] FindlayTex: but i really am fat.
[04:59] Ndaydream69: you bi curious?
[04:59] FindlayTex: not even a little bit.
[05:00] FindlayTex: sorry.
[05:01] Ndaydream69: cool
--------

and now some linkies:

Hehehehe. the squirrel shows the deer how he rolls.

i think the point of doing a backflip into a pool is more "out" than "up". woops.

worst. wrestler. evar.

i have never been so bored that i thought wrapping a ceiling fan in barbed wire and then hopping up into sounded like fun. this guy has.

this guy is my circle puking hero.

Kind of a neat meme from De Style Lady

2006-03-28T23:44:00.000-05:00

Favorite Artist meme:
Choose a band or artist; and answer a bunch of questions using only titles of their songs.

Well, i gotta go with Gwar on this one

1. Are you male or female? Slutman City

2. Describe yourself: Black and Huge

3. How do some people feel about you: Dirty, Filthy

4. How do you feel about yourself: Sex Cow

5. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend: Fire in the loins

6. Describe your current significant other: None but the Brave

7. Describe where you want to be: Pussy Planet

8. Describe how you live: Rock & Roll Party Town

9. Describe how you love: Sexecutioner

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Sex Cow

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Hate Love Songs

12. Now say goodbye: The Road Behind

so, now i tag:

Laura
Cwik
Scooter
Stepho!
And the lovely and talented Kristin

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

2006-03-27T05:58:00.000-05:00

I want a houseboat. or at least a cabin cruiser. something i can sail around the world in, evading Somali pirates, and weathering squalls all while talking like a pirate and just generally being the coolest kid in the league. i mean, a houseboat would rock. i may not be able to sail the open ocean in it, but fuck, how pimp would that be? i mean what's a better come on than, "what hospital were you born in?" easy, "hey baby, wanna see my houseboat?" "yep, just like MacGyver." and i mean really, how fuckin cool is MacGyver? that's instant pimp status. fuckin feng shui the shit outta that house boat and the women would be lining up in droves. once they sat down in the houseboat and saw how awesome its awesomeness is, you'd need a fucking spatula to get them off the seat. plus, if you want to do anything illegal in your house, you just drive out into international waters. then w00t! all hands on deck! it's time for a sexy party! hoist the jolly roger, tell women to remove their tops or walk the plank. the plank being a little board that leads to the hot tub. plus the true advantage of a houseboat; should anyone try to deviously kill me with a bomb, then i could potentially survive if i dive into the water, well, assuming that i found the bomb or uncovered the plot in time. whatever, i'll have surveillance in my boat to alert me to the potential threats that may be perpetrated on me. so, when i get my houseboat, all of you are invited to the sexy parties. there will be beer provided, but you must provide your own liquor.

Fuckin' Creek Kids.

2006-03-23T05:15:00.000-05:00

I love my creek kids. fuck you for judging me!

Woops, got tagged again,

2006-03-22T05:30:00.000-05:00

so i got tagged by auburn. and i'm just now getting around to doing this. sorry baby. i'll be more prompt next time.

How old were you when you lost your virginity? Who was it to? Describe the event.

Hrmm... 2 weeks after turning 16. oh yeah. she was some guy's girlfriend however she was in MY english class. it was great. she wasn't a virgin, i was, she knew what she was doing, and it was played well. after me losing some feeling in my cock due to errant teeth i lasted a phenomonal 45 minutes. well, 44 to be exact. 44 minutes till the feeling came back in my cock, then one minute thereafter. oh yeah!

What is the strangest place you've had sex?

i can't think of single place that is "strange" to have sex. funerals, nope. morgues... nope. hospitals, nope. feminist rallies, nope. i got nothin.

Who would you consider switching teams for?

sean connery, circa 1967. hands down. i'd suck that scott's cock like a goddamn blowpop back then. or something less gay...

Do you prefer to give or receive?

honestly, receive. i mean, i love licking box. i'm a huge fan of it. but if i had my choice of licking box and gettin head... yeah, i'd opt for the head every day of the week. what can i say, i like gettin mine as much as i like given her hers.

One night stands. What's the protocol…stay the night or get the hell outta there?

depends on the situation. i mean, if it's a solid booty call, you can stay. but if it's a true booty call, you gotsta get the fuck out. otherwise the next night she's going to be calling you boyfriend, and calling you like psycho.

Favourite body part/parts of the opposite sex?

ass, legs, the small of the back as it slopes to the ass... the belly as it firms to your touch... the nipples as they harden when your lips glide over them...

really, there's not much i don't love about the opposite sex.

Quickie or long and slow?

how can you favor one over the other? i mean each has their places in the sexual heirarchy. the passion of a quickie vs. the connection of a long and slow meeting of the groins. they both have their places, and they both have their pros and cons. i mean there, have been days where it's like 4 quickes in an hour. you get that look from the other and BOOM, there ya go. of course i've had those days where you don't feel like getting out of bed and just slow fucking all day. so... who cares. both i say!

Noisy or quiet?

NOISY NOISY NOISY NOISY NOISY NOISY NOISY!!!!! and that's all i have to say about that. i like em loud. i like makin' em loud.

Ideal amount of sex per week?

this is tangible? you can quantify this? i think not. my ideal amount? when my cock falls off or i can't feel it anymore.

What's your number one sexual turn off?

if they don't like fat guys... i'm out.

Number one arousal trigger?

a girl who likes fat guys. DUH!

What constitutes bad sex?

no sex.

Celebrity you would love to shag right now?

wait, there's a celebrity i shouldn't want to shag?

Define sexy?

me. enough said. though, i guess the female definition would be kristin. *winks to future wife*.

The best sex you ever had.

heh, wow, well, i can't name names since she has found this blog, and well, i haven't seen her in like 6 years... ish. but anyhow, her name was k**** and wow. oh wait, i wasn't gonna name names. meh, when have i been a man of my word. basically we had sex for the pure enjoyment. we were both very passionate people and that was what the sex was. no love. no emotion. just passion for sex. i mean, it was just pure human to human intimate contact. without asking we knew what buttons to push. it was pure, and we were good at what we did. it was just sex, and great sex at that. i once made her stand while i went down on her. i held her hands behind her back while i knelt and did what i wanted to do. she kept protesting as the climax grew... but i wouldn't relent. period... best pussy i've ever tasted. best girl i've slept with. hands down. wow...

ok then. good trip down memory lane...

Oh, the tagging...

Laurie
Stepho!
Kristin
Heidi
Rev

---------
[04:10] Serena: ethiopian food is supposed to be sooo good
[04:10] Serena: we will have to try it
[04:11] FindlayTex: you know, i have heard that about ethiopian.
[04:11] FindlayTex: but i laugh and imagine going to a place, only be starved and put up for adoption by sally struthers.
[04:12] Serena: odd to think of delicious food coming out of a totally overly impovershed country
[04:12] Serena: you get glasses of muddy unfiltered water.
[04:12] Serena: grubs and sticks.....lol
[04:12] FindlayTex: lol
[04:13] FindlayTex: and a train that constantly runs through it.
[04:13] Serena: lol

Just Friends

2006-03-19T05:33:00.000-05:00

So i just got done watching the movie "just friends". started watching some of the behind the scenes shit and i am racking my brain to find a girl that i was "just friends" with, that i didn't end up screwing. i couldn't think of one. i mean, any girl i ever entered the "friend bubble" and i wanted more than that... i got it. sure, i've been fortunate in that respect. i mean, usually if i ended up in the "friend bubble" or "friend zone" it was a cold calculated move to get me some. and it has nary backfired. so here is my question, to women: do you honestly have no clue what you're doing to us when you put us in the "friend bubble/zone"? i mean, really, are we as males that clandestine as to our wants and needs? yeah, i thought we were pretty obvious too. and guys... expose your inner pussy, tell us about being stuck in the "friend bubble". just for sharing's sake, i figure i'll help out. the closest to an unfulfilled "friend bubble" was my friend jeanie. she had a crush on me in like 8th grade. but then, she got hot. but i didn't actually see or hang out with her for around 4 years. we were more "phone" friends than anything. i knew when she lost her v-card and when she had sex in a lake, and eventually when she had to her face reconstructed due to an asshole ex. but i was never mad about her, wanting her constantly. so i don't know if it counts. of course there's naked beth. her and i were great friends for a short time. lot's of drunkenness and debauchery, and nudity and drunkenness and quality time spent together. but no sex. i was still delusional about an ex at the time, and couldn't bring myself to "cheat" on an ex girlfriend. yes, she was an ex at the time. i know. big pussy. trust me, i don't make those mistakes anymore. w00t! so there ya go. now, tell me stories. please. post anon if you want. i could care less. i just want stories.

Last night recap

2006-03-18T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well, it would appear that the gods were against me. after getting a later start than i would have liked yesterday, and after getting a TON of free tacos, (mmm free taco friday) and after several gallons of green and non green beer (i told the waitress to surprise me, and keep em comin') i ended up leaving the bar at around 1:30. waaaay earlier than i had hoped. but, i couldn't see straight, or talk english, or stand. how i walked home i will never know. just to paint a picture, i left the bar with a full pitcher of beer i had absconded with. by the time i was halfway home 3/4 of the pitcher was gone and i hadn't taken a single drink from it. yes, friends, chud staggered home. it wasn't pretty. during my stumble however, i decided i should try to drunk dial. as soon as i pulled out ye olde cell phone, the fucker shut off. fuckin piece of shit. oh well, at least i had the computer at home and i could do some drogging. yaaay! get home, pick up the laptop and drop the stupid fucker on the floor thusly closing it and turning it off. my beer addled brain just couldn't seem to get the damn thing turned back on. but chud, why didn't you just use the desktop computer? you ask. i was too drunk to think about that and in fact just now realized it as an option. so i decided to make some pizza rolls and i actually managed to make them. however, i passed out with them on my lap and when i woke up my brother was home, my pizza rolls were gone and i was still hungry. damn the gods and their foiling of my best laid plans!

-so apparently after a full day of drinking girls want to kiss a fat guy in a leprechaun hat. i love alcohol.

-i think i had sex with alligator.

-drunken text messages are fun.

st. pats... oh noes

2006-03-17T13:31:00.000-05:00

well, as i'm sure all of you are aware, it's st. patrick's day. in about 10 minutes or so i'm heading out to enjoy the festivities. i know i know, i'm getting a late start, but, to be fair, i was up late last night ringing the day in. s'anyway, i think i'm gonna change my password before i go. that way in my drunken stupor... i won't be able to remember it. hehehehehe. so, hopefully it works. w00t! that is all. just a warning, in case, you know, there is some jibber jabber after this post... it's just me. vomiting nonsense and green beer.

-----
quick update...

SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE (trailer)

happiness.

2006-03-16T03:12:00.000-05:00

i'm happy.
i'm infatuated.
i'm excited.
i'm intrigued.
i'm amazed.
i'm hopeful.
i'm sated.
i'm cynical.
i'm ready.
i'm lonely.
i'm tired.
i'm a little drunk.

mostly though. i'm happy. thank you.

-------
for those of you not in the know, here, is "the ultimate showdown, of ultimate destiny"

http://www.ultimateshowdown.org/

yeah, single greatest song/flash animation. EVAR!

yaaaaaaaaaaR!

2006-03-11T04:34:00.000-05:00

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah something blah! arrrrrrrrgh! wahoo!!! SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE BITCH!!! hhehehehehehe. ok, so i got nothin. i'm... a little drunk, and felt the need to post. and since i have a laptop in my lap of all places... this is all you get. blaaaahaahahahahahahahaha!

la la la la la google for good drink recipes... la la la la la... oooooh! jim jones cocktail! sounds tasty... i wonder if that's anything like a tom collins?

three quick links

2006-03-09T17:49:00.000-05:00

fine joe you win. i'll post these links. damn peer pressure.

Single greatest John Stewartism EVAR!

So... you're peeing on a frozen pond... with a rope tied to your leg... with your friends on the other end... BRILLIANT!

Wow, this is sporting gold!

jessica alba nekkid! w00t!

ahh lack of drunken posting

2006-03-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

well, for the past 4 days i have had to fight the urge to drunkenly post somewhere on average of 50 times. not that i was drunk 50 times, but the times i was drunk the impulse was so strong i had to keep warding it off. damn impulses. however, i would like to write an open letter to a special someone:

Dear That Guy at the Bar,
I know, now, that we went to high school together. I think now, your name may actually be John. I will not remember your name, or your claims of being at my house at a party that I never wanted cuz I was actually planning on watching my girlfriend and Rev's girlfriend share a lesbian experience and then dive in and have a flesh pile. But your friends all decided to show up. I knew them. I do not know you. They ruined my night. Therefore you ruined my night. I had to deal with a pissed off girl who didn't get to munch box and a pissed off couple who didn't get the flesh pile they wanted. So... I got drunk. Maybe I even called you by name. If I did, rest assured I had to ask someone. Now, it's cool, that you recognize me. However, you don't have to come talk to me. Truth be told, you're kind of a dolt. More than kinda. You know, it's one thing to brag about controlling your parents in high school, WHEN YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL! But bragging about it when you're 26/27 in a bar and a career waiter who failed out of community college... not exactly something to be proud of. Have you ever noticed, when I am sat at your tables in any of the restaurants in which you have worked that I don't even acknowledge you? It's because I don't care enough about you to remember you name. And in those instances, you're even wearing a name tag. You sit and talk and make vague references to things that are on public record of what I had done in high school. Never any detail though. I'm beginning to think you're a hoax. A strange little waiter hoax. Please. Stop talking to me. I don't know you. I don't think I'd like you if I did, and for christ's sake when someone makes fun of you, to your face after everything you say, IT'S YOUR CUE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE SO I CAN LEER AT HOT BITCHES AND FART AND BLAME IT ON SOME FRAT BOY!

Sincerely,
The Chudder.
-------------

god i hate people sometimes. anyhow, that's my weekend. so now i leave you with me exposing my inner dork:

a 6 1/2 minute video clip. but absolutely the best video clip you will ever see! Two guys, head to head, Super Mario Brothers, start to finish, with a photo finish. i watched most of this with my mouth agape just in awe of their sweet mario skills. they are the very definition of l337!

It's british, yes, But it's still a live action simpsons opening.pretty fuckin rad at that.

Smoking gun has found a great court case. read the breif. then read the footnote on page two. priceless. i would be that judge.

The A-team Theme... Re-Cast with the Chucker and Jack Bauer as the A-Team! w00t!

where did i go? and fuck burger king.

2006-02-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

Sorry, i haven't posted in a while, and it was brought to my attention i needed to post more. i haven't really had much to post about. internet funny shit has had a bit of a lull and my life hasn't had any great adventures or drunken fits of genius. which of course i need to remedy.

so right now i have the worst headache ever (which i say whenever i get a headache), and it's pissing me off. much more so than the lazy ass sons of whores that work the burger king drive thru. i almost had an orgasm when i saw that not only did they bring back their value menu (which had been sorely lacking around these parts) but they also brought back the rodeo cheeseburger in it's barbecuey onion ringy goodness. though they upped the price by a quarter. so i order one. and i'm told in no uncertain terms don't have any rodeo cheeseburgers. i cry shenanigans cuz it's on the menu but my driver (that's what i call her) drove up to the window to get rev's order. piss on him, i wanted rodeo-y goodness. so i ask the chick at the window why they don't have the glorious rodeo cheeseburger... she replies that they happen to be out of onion rings. horse shit. those fucking grease slinging register jockeys were too goddamn lazy to make onion rings AND a whole burger. so, tomorrow i'm calling the king and having a sit down. i'm gettin me some free shit. this is inexcusable. if it's on your menu, it's gonna be in my belly when i ask for it, or else your ass is grass and i'm the lawnmower. how ya like me now you fucking crazy king plastic head thing that scores touchdowns!?!?

ok, time for bed. my buzz is gone and the headache is all consuming. kristin, buggy, this post is for you girls.

an orgy of posts!

2006-02-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

so... Rev sent me this link, i figured i'd share it with you"

RIAA Says Ripping CDs to Your iPod is NOT Fair Use
February 15, 2006

It is no secret that the entertainment oligopolists are not happy about space-shifting and format-shifting. But surely ripping your own CDs to your own iPod passes muster, right? In fact, didn't they admit as much in front of the Supreme Court during the MGM v. Grokster argument last year?

Apparently not.

As part of the on-going DMCA rule-making proceedings, the RIAA and other copyright industry associations submitted a filing that included this gem as part of their argument that space-shifting and format-shifting do not count as noninfringing uses, even when you are talking about making copies of your own CDs:
"Nor does the fact that permission to make a copy in particular circumstances is often or even routinely granted, necessarily establish that the copying is a fair use when the copyright owner withholds that authorization. In this regard, the statement attributed to counsel for copyright owners in the MGM v. Grokster case is simply a statement about authorization, not about fair use."

For those who may not remember, here's what Don Verrilli said to the Supreme Court last year:
"The record companies, my clients, have said, for some time now, and it's been on their website for some time now, that it's perfectly lawful to take a CD that you've purchased, upload it onto your computer, put it onto your iPod."

If I understand what the RIAA is saying, "perfectly lawful" means "lawful until we change our mind." So your ability to continue to make copies of your own CDs on your own iPod is entirely a matter of their sufferance. What about all the indie label CDs? Do you have to ask each of them for permission before ripping your CDs? And what about all the major label artists who control their own copyrights? Do we all need to ask them, as well?

P.S.: The same filing also had this to say: "Similarly, creating a back-up copy of a music CD is not a non-infringing use...."

huh... well, now i know. and now i vow to buy nothing from the recording industry and vow only to use illegal p2p files for my music. of course, this changes nothing for me as that has always been my vow. i mean, i don't want to pay for the crap they're selling. for free, i'll listen to it, but to actually use my ill gotten monies for that pap... fuck that. anyhow, now i give you videos to watch. enjoy. today was full of good ones.

ok, this isn't a video, but i have no clue what the fuck the purpose or funtction of these are.

hahahaha. when dancing can save your life.

what happens when you teach your dad beer pong.

teehee... the elephant dropped a bomb on him.

ok, why was this asshole turning so slow, and in front of someone. (motorcycle head on crash)

d'oh! wasps v. scrotum apparently opie and anthony (xm radio dj's) did some contest where people would do bad things to their man bags. this guy won.

anyanka in a paisley dress and some pussy in my lap...

2006-02-21T06:19:00.000-05:00

so, this is a solidly drunken post. i am sitting at my friend sarah's house with her fat ass cat in my fat ass lap watching buffy season 4 dvd's. anybody got a problem with that? if so, you should know i'm a cutter. and i'ma cut you.
anyhow, just watchin some buffy wondering, "why can't i be a slayer?" even though i know it's the fact i have a "y" chromosome, but still, it could be fun. killing vamps and whatnot. but really, what i am blogging about is nothing. i am drunk off my ass and feeling lonely and wathing emma caulfield strut about in a paisley drss as a fat cat seems to like me enough to fall asleep on my arm. i lay this decree down, within the next two weeks, i am getting laid, or else i'm turning in my man badge. well, i won't turn it in, but it's a solid threat to make against myself. fuck it, i'm too drunk to logic-ize this. w00t!!!

Arguing with idiots.

2006-02-18T04:29:00.000-05:00

So, this evening I was jeered into venturing over to a neighbor's house for some beers at around 230am. So after some beers and lot's of idle chatter someone starts bitching being about being laid off. This is detroit. UAW capitol of teh world. These guys are UAW, and making $30/hr to punch in and go to the bar for half their shift. So, I proceed to inform them of the fact that the unions are pricing the American worker out of the job market and all I get is brainwashed union rhetoric. Assholes asking me if I believed in Christmas, and shit like that. When I asked them to make an honest to god argument, all I got was uneducated mud slinging. So when I asked them "If you owned a company, and were able to pay person a $20 to make a product and sell it for $50 or pay person B $5 dollars get the exact same product and still sell it for $50, which would you choose?" all of them said person B. So when I asked how I was wrong, I was kicked out of the house and told I was unwelcome. I was also told I was brainwashed. But seriously, what makes more sense to you, taking a decrease in pay to be able to stay at your current job or having the company go bankrupt and being without a job? Something is better than nothing and the unions cannot seem to understand this. It doesn't help that 100% of the people in the unions are fucking idiots who couldn't pass a business class or any class for that matter if it didn't involve pot smoking or blue collar working class hero rhetoric. Plus, when you try to explain to someone who is part of the "solidarity" movement, that if 8,000 of their brothers become suddenly unemployed, it will be amazing to them how quickly they would be willing to do your job for half the pay. I hate idiots. I hate ignorance. And I hate unions. They served a purpose in the 30's and 40's but now they're a hinderance to the advance of the US economy. Accept it or not. Time will prove me right. Economies adjust to what one can afford. If an area is able to afford $300,000 homes, and suddenly the area is bankrupt, guess what happens? the market can't bear a $300k home, it's now $150k. Deal with it. If you think that you are the pillar of the economy, you're wrong. The top 2% of this country pay for 65% of this country. So take your working class bullshit and go fuck yourself in your self rightous uneducated working man ass. Save me the headache of listening to you cuss and swear because all you can see is the tip of your nose and not the big picture. Ahhhh... whiskey kicking in... capitalism booming... unions getting bit by their own greed happening... UAW program titled "MK Ultra" exposed... hehehehehe. Union NO! Unions hate Jesus and America. hehehehehehehehehe. god this post has been festering. I'm sure I'll wake up this afternoon and see holes in the story, and spelling errors. but fuck it. This is me. And I, am anti union.

OH NOES! I BEEN TAGGED!

2006-02-15T01:04:00.000-05:00

First blog you ever read?
not counting gay livejournal/xanga/mydiary shit? cuz i knew a kid who had a ten of each created multiple personalities and pretended they all worked for him. though he was jobless. his name was josh lobdell. anyhow, first real "blog" would be feces flinging monkey. but that was back when he updated a lot, and had a million other bloggers that he linked to.

The best and worst about blogging?
Best thing? i'd say sharing the stupid shit i find with people who may not see that shit if it weren't for me. worst thing? all the crap i sift through trying to find the cream of the crop. oh, and emo bloggers. ack.

Who was the first person to comment on your blog?
dunno, brb, lemme check... wow, i didn't realize how not any comments i had waaay back then... hehehe. uhh... would be Joe C. that was the first and only commenter back then. sans spammers of course.

If I re-named my blog I would call it ...
why would i rename it? Chud's World has a certain gloriousness in it's glorious glory! of course, if you put a gun to my head... i suppose i would change it to: "what the fuck is that!" since i seem to say that a lot when i search videos and shit.

If my blog was a room it would look like ...
wow, like a Loft apartment where the elevator opens right up into the living room. with all kinds of goofy shit laying around and crazy asian television shows on ALL DAY! and it would be across from a skate park so i can see the injuries. the couches would be pleather, brown, and there would be mannequins all over the place in various sexual poses with each other. oh and hidden video camera's everywhere. never know when my indoor grill is going to explode and need to be disseminated on teh intarwebs.

What has been your most popular blog entry?
dunno. really. lemme check again... how shall i judge? most hits? or most comments? anyhow, too lazy to look up hits and shit, i went by comments, and two had 18. the most recent one before this, and one two posts before that one. anyhow, the most recent was the winner, cuz i personally commented fewer times in that one. so... wow that was a collossal waste of time.

If my blog had a theme song it would be ...
the ballad of chasey lane by the bloodhound gang... no, fuck that, it'd be, "fuck you i'm drunk" by the dropkick murphy's. (i think)

Five bloggers I would like to have over for dinner.
hrmm, putting aside ones i've ACTUALLY had over for dinner... i'd say laurie (de style lady herself), kristin (my future wife since rachel ray said no), Meghan(cuz she's a rad chick), Auburn (always need a good drink mixing aussie in the mix) and... Rolligun (since he'd appreciate the dinner with 4 ladies).

Two bloggers you would like to set up on a blind date.
hrmm... tough call. i don't want to set anyone up. i want to set myself up. piss on everyone else! i need a date!

Somebody I wish had a blog?
i don't think i've EVER sat around and said, "i wish so and so had a blog..." though, now that i said it and gave it some thought, an ex of mine named jess, and a good friend of mine named melisa whom i haven't been able to get a hold of for about a year should have blogs. so i can find out how they're doing.

If you were only allowed to read one blog ever again, which blog would it be?
only one? for ever? i can't. i'm an addict. i can't do only one. it's like the alcoholic question, if you can only have 1 beer a day every day for the rest of your life, or no beer at all, which would you choose? an alcoholic will say no beer. allegedly. personally, i'd hoard the beers for a week or two then binge!

Is there a fellow blogger you would like to snog / shag / do rude things to? Feel free to name names if you're game.
question should be, is there a blogger out there i don't want to snog / shag /do rude things to? and the answer is probably... but i haven't met her yet. hehehehe.

Discover a blog. Link to a blog that you have recently found, or a blog you have been reading for a while and haven't blogrolled.
what's a blogroll? and why would i do it?

Tag five bloggers to complete this meme.
hrmmm ok...
Chuck
Kristin
Stepho!!! (told you i'd keep you full of em!)
La La
Scooter

I've been slacking

2006-02-10T21:15:00.000-05:00

i really have nothing much to post about, other than the fact that i have been slacking. went to the wings game on Wed. for free, which is always the best way to see anything, but then later at the bar someone stole my track jacket. who does that? really. no one in the bar is anywhere near fat enough to wear it. though as was pointed out to me, there wasn't a single person in the bar who COULDN'T wear it... bastards. heh.

anyhow, been trying to work my mojo. which i discovered i have none. but it's all good cuz i make up for it with my wealth and fancy car. oh wait... strike that... that's not me i'm talking about. hehe. so, getting the truck working so i can start a new job at a breeding farm and thusly start working my game on the horse show circuit this summer. right now, currently trying to dig up money to go to the bar and watch some of the worst karaoke in the world. it's so bad it's good. but i'm goofy like that and that's for another post.

so i was watching an undisclosed television show the other day, and i was struck with a question. why, after someone passes, do we feel the need to glorify them? i mean, people who were good in life, deserve it. but do truly shitty people who were vilified in life deserve glorification in death? if they don't have the decency to be decent in life... why pretend they were in death? i mean, at the memorial, why wouldn't people just say, "so and so was a heinous assbag who deserves this early death, my life is now simpler because so and so is no longer a part of it." i mean, it's not like anybody at the service didn't know the type of person so and so was... so who cares? i will never understand this. of course, i don't understand the grief process either, but that's how i am. i mean, i understand the anger of a wrongful death, or the surprise of a sudden death, or the pride of a death in the name of what you believe. but sadness i don't do. dunno why, it's death, we all catch it at some point. and i don't care what any body says, it's catchy. i don't know what prompted me to go on this long drawn out stream of consciousness but i have, and now you, faithful reader, can be left unfulfilled.

------
so now i leave you with some videos of people hurting themselves. or, having the shit scared out themselves, or dying.

why it's a bad idea to be the first man to jump and the first man to open when base jumping

why dressing like a dork and dancing like you're being electrucuted could be harmful to your health.

this is what happens when you don't think things through to their inevitable conclusion

what happens when you crash at 90MPH while running from the cops without wearing a seatbelt? this does.
-------

so, on a side note, i am currently trying to compile questions for one those silly ass survey/meme/questionare thingies. if you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments or e-mail them to me. please.

hehehehehehe. how could i resist

2006-02-10T21:09:00.000-05:00

so... was bouncin' 'round teh intarwebs today, and i found this wonderful piece of fodder. had to post it.

And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught...

2006-02-01T20:41:00.000-05:00

*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*

time travel guy wasn't lying!!!!! he really did it...
---------------------

Well, i've been slacking on posting goofy crazy web shit. so today, you get some! yaaaaaaay.

in case you haven't watched the news lately. This is the video of the bull jumping into the stands and having a goring good time.

OH.MY.GOD. best stand up routine ever... the starwipes truly add to it's awesomeness. i mean, this guys gonna be big. bigger than my great grandma.

WHOA! i wanna make friends with this guy. we could pull mad chicks! and maybe ones from the past and future... w00t!

oh... those silly japanese.(maybe nsfw?) i don't know what's going on, or why, but i support their dancing!

Preserved craigs listing... jabba wants to be leia... (probably nsfw)

greatest song EVAR!!!(DEFINATELY NSFW)

The Fairy Tale Ending

2006-01-29T21:46:00.000-05:00

This was a post I had wanted to do a couple months ago just never got around to it. This past November my buddy Kurt and I went up north to go hunting. Now, deer camp is aptly nicknamed “beer camp” for a reason. Beer rhymes with deer. See? Good reason. So, allow me to set the stage:
Sunday night we head up north. Had to use a motel cuz my parents were being shitty about the cabin. We had just had a wicked bad storm that knocked out the power and a line was “down” allegedly. They were afraid we’d step on a live wire… blah blah blah. So anyhow, we get there Monday morning and unpack, and there were no downed wires. There was no power either. But that’s cuz the downed wires were elsewhere on the lake.
So it’s Monday, opening day is Tuesday. So we decide to get shitty drunk. After bullshitting about all kinds of goofy things and telling lies about the deer we’re going to kill it’s time for bed. Our cabin is an old style cabin with all timber interior. The walls for the bedrooms only go up about 7 1/2 feet. However the roof peaks well above that. So there is a lot of open air between the rooms. Which basically means that no sound goes unheard. This is a good thing, when you have no power, and are drunk, and decide that telling some form of story will be entertaining enough to possibly enable some sleep. However, I was shitty drunk. My story telling… has seen better days. But, as it has been regaled back to me, and as best I can remember, this is the story I told that night:

So there’s these three bears that live in a house. It’s not a very big house, but, it’s not really small either. I mean, it’s kinda small, but it’s only the three of them so they don’t need much house. They’re a close family.
So this chick is walking through the forest. She’s a hot slut with blonde hair and a cute little dress that just makes you wanna jump her right there. Her name was Goldilocks and she was a hot slut. So she’s walkin’ through the forest, and she’s hot. But it was a wig. And she’s hot. But she’s bitter, and resentful, cuz she was gang raped.
So the bears are chillin’ at their house when the dad bear says, “Let’s go do something, even if it’s wrong.” So they pile into their car and drive away. No, wait, there was some porridge or something, and it was way to hot for all of them. But really they hated the mom bears cooking and wanted an excuse for eating out. So they take off to go somewhere fun.
Along comes the hot slut. She sees the bear’s house and decides to break in. cuz that’s what hot sluts do. They break into your shit. So she eats some porridge from the dads bowl and spits it out cuz it was fuckin’ hot. Then she tastes the mom’s porridge and throws it on the floor in a rage cuz it was fuckin’ ice cold. She took a bit from junior’s bowl and looks at the camera and says, “meh.” And proceeds to eat it all. So then there’s something with some rocking chairs, or something. And then, after trashing their house, she decides to take a nap. She tries the dad’s bed first and shits in it cuz it was too firm. Then she tries mom’s bed and rubs her muddy hot little shoes on it cuz it was too soft. Now, here’s an interesting tidbit, mom and dad don’t share a bed. Junior has been struggling with this for the past 6 months when his parents moved into separate rooms. He knows they’re going to get a divorce but he wants his parents to stay together. Anyhow, back to the hot slut. She lays down in junior’s bed and decides that it is just “meh”. So, she gets naked, and falls asleep.
She wakes up hours later when the bears come home. Frightened she jumps out the second story window, without opening it first. The bears hear the commotion and decide to check it out. They see her clothes on the floor and the blood on the window and a bare assed chick with a wig all asunder running into the forest. Junior decides to give chase. After all, how far can a naked bleeding chick get? So he finds her, they make mad passionate interspecies love. Then his dad eats her. Like for dinner, not in a pleasuring her girl parts way. And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Goldilocks… she kinda got screwed on that one. The end.

------
I’m thinking of getting shitty drunk like that and doing my own series of children’s books. Should be lucrative.

Breakfast!

2006-01-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

So, i wanted breakfast this morning. Apparently, so did Rev. the following conversation is testament to this fact:

[07:31] FindlayTex: how do you know when your stomach starts eating itself? as opposed to giving birth to an alien?
[07:32] Curtis: the alien doesn't come out of your stomach
[07:32] Curtis: the pain is IN the stomach
[07:33] FindlayTex: ahhhh!
[07:33] FindlayTex: thanks for clearing that up
[07:33] Curtis: why?
[07:33] Curtis: problem?
[07:33] FindlayTex: then i think my stomach is digesting itself.
[07:33] Curtis: yeah
[07:33] Curtis: I think we need to get breakfast
[07:34] FindlayTex: sounds tasty
[07:34] FindlayTex: and life giving
[07:34] Curtis: elias brothers buffet?
[07:34] FindlayTex: ack!
[07:35] FindlayTex: no!
[07:35] Curtis: no?
[07:35] FindlayTex: thaty's the most horrible thing to happen to breakfast since eggbeaters and turkey bacon
[07:35] Curtis: but there's a LOT
[07:35] Curtis: and there's sausage gravy
[07:35] Curtis: and awesome sausage
[07:36] FindlayTex: THE WORST SAUSAGE GRAVY ON THE PLANET!
[07:36] FindlayTex: horrible eggs. horrible sausage gravy. the biscuits are always rock hard.
[07:36] Curtis: ok
[07:36] FindlayTex: i never have a good breakfast at big boys buffet
[07:36] Curtis: digest yourself then
[07:36] FindlayTex: fine
[07:36] FindlayTex: i will
[07:40] Curtis: I must eat LOTS
[07:40] Curtis: I am fungry
[07:40] FindlayTex: me too. but i cannot do big boy buffet.
[07:40] FindlayTex: it always gives me the shits, and it's never good.
[07:40] Curtis: there are no other buffets in the morning
[07:41] FindlayTex: yet i kept going, for years. till i finally had enough. and decided, it doesn't matter which big boy, which state, they all suck.
[07:41] FindlayTex: does bob evans have a buffet?
[07:41] Curtis: I haven't eaten in two days
[07:42] Curtis: no, and I hate Bob Evans
[07:42] Curtis: though they DO have good sausage
[07:42] FindlayTex: i haven't eaten at bob evans in years. so i can't attest to their goodlyness or badlyness
[07:42] Curtis: I went there about 7 months ago
[07:42] Curtis: bleah
[07:43] FindlayTex: meh
[07:44] Curtis: I have never liked their food, and it's ALL old annoying crochety bitter people that make the emperor look like Gandhi
[07:44] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahaha
[07:44] FindlayTex: nice
[07:45] FindlayTex: this is the problem with never having free time in the morning, or not being awayke in the mornings. you never know where the good breakfast deals are.
[07:46] FindlayTex: like the hungry angry lumberfucker special: 2 dozen eggs any style, a loaf of bread, 4 pounds of bacon, 2 pounds of sassage, sassage gravy by the gallon and big motherfucking thing of OJ. for 99 cents.
[07:47] Curtis: I actually laughed REALLY hard at that
[07:47] Curtis: lumberfucker
[07:47] Curtis: roll it ALL into an omelette
[07:48] FindlayTex: yes!
[07:48] Curtis: hunnnnngry
[07:48] Curtis: like the wolf
[07:48] FindlayTex: you're on the hunt your after food?
[07:49] Curtis: rrrrrrrr
[07:49] Curtis: there's always the senate
[07:49] FindlayTex: there is.
[07:49] Curtis: but....
[07:49] Curtis: I don't know. I need mass quantities
[07:50] Curtis: OCB?
[07:50] Curtis: do they do breakfast?
[07:50] Curtis: bleah
[07:50] FindlayTex: i was thinking about that, but are they even open anymore?
[07:50] Curtis: no idea
[07:51] FindlayTex: no OCB, they don't open till 11
[07:51] FindlayTex: and apparently the one on wayne rd is still open.

[07:59] Curtis: this does not solve the digestion problem
[08:00] FindlayTex: no, that's why i was looking up restaurants.
[08:04] FindlayTex: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGER!
[08:04] Curtis: going to assume the fetal position
[08:04] FindlayTex: same here.
[08:05] FindlayTex: except that i have to drop a deuce, and the fetal position may expedite that process
[08:05] Curtis: I have no deuce to drop
[08:06] FindlayTex: ok, so let's go down the list.
[08:07] FindlayTex: senate. no cuz you need quantities
big boy no, cuz it's horrid and rancid and all that is evil.
bob evans no, cuz you have an a virgin to it.
OCB no, cuz they don't open for another three hours....
[08:07] Curtis: I also have only three singles and one hundo

[08:23] Curtis: ack
[08:24] Curtis: need to lie down, straighten back out
[08:24] FindlayTex: you do that

-----
so, after an hour of talking about food, it's now 930am and i am no closer to eating than i was two hours ago. so... time to heat up some leftovers. ack. oh well, it's better than not eating at all. oh how i yearn for the delicous bacon and sassage straight from the grill of a local greasy spoon.
-----
and now for some pictures and videos to tide you over. enjoy:

Remember those Chuch Norris facts I found a while back? Here's The Chucker on the Tony Danza show talking about some of them.
Heh, The Chucker on Conan. This time, he's got his OWN lever to pull.
The Chucker was here!? In Botswana?
How the fuck do you jump into a pond wrong? This kid will show you.

Bars on a Cadillac Brougham.

2006-01-22T06:49:00.000-05:00

So the other day, I check MySpace. My friend Nikki left me a video in my comments. it was a song that, until that day, i had not heard for at least a better part of decade and half. while i was living in Ohio, somehow, when we got on the topic of old school rap i would always bring this song up. i would always get blank stares. people would look at me as if i was insane, and of course, since i could never remember who the artist was it made it all the more difficult. and i was adament i was not going crazy. so i would sing the hook for them:

B stands for
Bronco, Benz, BMW, Bass,
Bangles and a pair of bars.
When you see us pullin up down the ave
you'll act like we are stars.
We're not tryin to make a joke,
We're just tryin to make it known,
that people of the world
that we call B Girls
Like Bars on a Cadillac Brougham.

And i would go on and on on how i know that the song "B girls" actually existed. I was not crazy. I swear. So I began to think it was a local thing, a song only played in the Metro Detroit area. Then, as if by miracle, it appeared in my comments. With videoy goodness. And it was good.

So anyhow, I have been listening to it intently, and obsessivly for last few days, and it makes me smile every time I do. takes me waaaay back. well, for those of you who wish to hear/see the marvel that once was "Young n da Restless - B Girls"(click here). just scroll down to the comments, and you'll see the video box thingy. ahhh, the good ol' days.

also, i googled the hell out the song, and the artist, i wanted to know what the fuck bars on a cadillac brougham meant. there is nothing on these people. the only lyrics you can find are just bs that people typed on a discussion board. it's almost as if myself, and a small sect of people around the coutry were the only ones ever exposed to this song and government cover up went into effect shortly thereafter. hrmm... strange things are afoot at the circle k.
------
on a totally unrelated note. after watching an oprah show on how things work, my friend La La is now weirded out by her microwave, i came up with a way to improve on the microwave:
[07:24] FindlayTex: how did opera creep you out about the microwave?
[07:25] La La: She showed how it actually works and the whole particle thing and stuff and I don't know... It just did
[07:25] FindlayTex: hmm... ok
[07:26] FindlayTex: you're not right sometimes. you know that?
[07:26] La La: I just cooked something and I thought about the moving water/fat particles and yeah...
[07:27] FindlayTex: lol
[07:28] FindlayTex: yay agitating only the organic substances.
[07:28] La La: I will NEVER microwave organic foods...
[07:28] La La: That's just be crazy! Shit groovin and shakin all over the place!
[07:28] FindlayTex: lol
[07:29] La La: It'd be like soul train with carrots and broccoli. Put on some "Get down Tonight" and press start.
[07:30] FindlayTex: lol!
[07:30] FindlayTex: you just need Don Cornelious.
[07:30] FindlayTex: or however you spell that
[07:31] FindlayTex: hahahaha, that's what they need, a picture of don corneleous'
[07:31] FindlayTex: head as the start button
[07:31] La La: Oh god...
[07:31] La La: I"m never using the microwave again
[07:32] FindlayTex: and then when the microwave starts up, all you hear is "Soooooooooooooooooul Traaaaaaaaaaain!"
[07:34] La La: Come on Ride the train...
[07:35] FindlayTex: ride it.
[07:35] La La: Oh god, I gotta go to bed soon.

Myspace Survey's ACK!

2006-01-20T04:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, I got this myspace stupid thing that listed off all these qualities that some 7th grader has been brainwashed into thinking is what women want in their ideal man... I dissected it, Chud style. Not my best work, but fuck it, I’m buzzed and it's 430am.

--------
I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

Right, like any woman in the world would tolerate that shit. "Holy shit he's like totally suffocating me". Whatever, if you need to text someone that corny shit, you need to be hit in the head.

I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "I miss you and wish you were here" just because.

Again, how needy can you be? If you're a girl, you probably like this in premise, but really, when a guy does it every hour on the hour? Time to check and see if his balls are still attached. My guess is no.

I'm the guy who will blindfold you, take you to the beach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where we are.

Ok, if you don't know where you are by the sound of the waves and sand on your feet then you're a dumb whore that I don't want to date anyhow. Dummy.

I'm the guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.

Ok, that's called stalking. Way to put her under undue pressure, asshole. At least if she knew you were coming she would have omitted the triple Lundy from her diving routine so you wouldn't see her fail. Since it is an impossible dive mastered by only one man...

I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

Yeah, life lesson dude, YOU'RE THE REASON SHE'S CRYING! She doesn't want you to hold her, she threw that lamp at you for a reason, she wants her space. Now fuck off and let a real man move in.

I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on, wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.

Chances are, you are. But really, would it kill ya to put on a little lipstick and maybe not wear your exes sweats? I mean, seriously.

I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don’t want to.

Well then, be prepared to be pressured into doing things you don't want to do there guy. Cuz THAT'S all you're gonna be doing. Women sense weakness, and they pounce. You can't assert yourself? Guess what? You just became a doormat you assclown. You won't see your testicles for another 10 years. Dumbass.

I'm the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.

Ok, I can sorta see that. But it had better be a good movie, and not some chick flick. Just cuz she's sick doesn't mean she has to watch what she wanted. YOU took time out of your day to go to her, you get to choose.

I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.

CUZ YOU'RE TOO PUSSY TO MAKE A MOVE FOR THE LIPS! ASSHEAD

I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

Then you're a woman. NO MAN ever listens. We feign interest; catch buzzwords, and just say, ok, or mmhmm when there's a pause so that she thinks we're listening. We’re not. We don't care that the store was out of appelicious lipstick and that Brenda had a fight with Tony and now Tony and Maggie are totally going to get it on. Why? Cuz it doesn't concern us and it has no relevance on us getting any. Period.

I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.

Maybe if you're getting laid for the first time. Other than that... meh...

I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know how many times I have used that line? hahahaha, I just wanna cuddle, nothing more. No seriously, I won't try anything... just a slight nibble, maybe a soft caress, next thing you know I’ve got your mind going and motor humming and you're begging me for sex. Which I happily oblige. I don't use that line anymore. Now it's "you want me to stay over? Well, I don't have any condoms on me." Yeah, you gotta lay that shit out.

I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.

Give it time, she will learn to ruin any good time you ever wanted to have. It's what they do. Besides, you have to smile when she walks into the room, it's the non verbal cue to your buddies that you guys have to stop talking about the coat check girl you just nailed.

I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.

CUZ YOU'RE GAY! Straight men want to watch movies, drink beer, and lick box. Deal.

I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.

You will when she starts bitching you out for going where you're going, having been where you've been, and for being with who you've been with. Idiot

I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends how much he likes you.

You should be... you should be...

I'm the guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.

Girls like the alpha male. Period. Act like an epsilon male, and the next thing you know, your girlfriend is fucking your friend and his girlfriend in your bed with your mom’s vibrator in her ass. Retard

I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.

Meh... I got nothing on this one. Unless her imperfections are nagging, and slutting about, then, yeah I hate your imperfections.

I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.

Dude. Seriously. Gay! Unless you just got done screwing on the deck of your boat, and the sun is coming up, and you're both naked. Or, if you've been partying till the sun comes up, and she's puking and you're holding her hair, trying to judge how many mints it's gonna take so you'll be able to kiss her without wanting to vomit in her mouth.

I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

Not possible. Period. Girls need chaos, drama and disorder. Once you learn this, your life can move forward. Jackass.

Girls
If this is your perfect guy repost this with the title "I want this guy"
If you have a guy like this repost with the title "I have this guy"
Guys
If this is you repost this with the title "I'm that guy"

If you were to repost as "I’m that guy" you'd be a fraud. Cuz you're not a guy. You now deserve to be whacked in the nuts by every male within 100 feet of you. Asshat.

-----------

God damn I'm such a romantic aren't I?

Death Pool

2006-01-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

well, gorilla mask started their annual death pool. i decided to make a list. for those of you who want to play along simply pick 10 people from the public eye, and place them on a list of 1-10 if you think they will die in 2006. just like when judging how how hot a woman is, 10 is the best, and 1 is the worst. so, put people that you think have a high probability of dying around 10, and those with a lower probability, down around one. unless the person is already in dire straights at which point it's just good form to put them at a lower number, that way you can actually earn the points when one of your higher numbers dies. for example, this my list for 2006:

10. Andy Rooney

9. Cassius Clay... ok... ali.

8. Bea Arthur

7. Charlton Heston

6. Micheal J. Fox

5. Fidel Castro

4. Teddy Kennedy (the family is cursed)

3. Burt Reynolds

2. Mario Lopez

1. Ariel Sharon

now, you'll notice that castro, and sharon are both 5 and below. sharon we know is going to die, so i couldn't just give up the the point he could garner, and castro... well, i don't think he has another year in him. so... if andy roony dies (and i hope to god that smug little troll does) i get 10 points. obviously the most you can get is 55 points, and with that kinda luck, you need to be in vegas. so, if you want to play, post your list of 10 in the comments and i will keep track for the year. at some point during the year i will try to come up with a prize for the winner, and the loser and all that good shit. so, have fun, put your thinking caps on, and make a list of people you think (or hope) will die this year.