After watching the first two “lost episodes” of Chappelle’s show, I’d have left too. I mean let’s face it, he had some really damn funny bits in the first two seasons. He had some stinkers too. I never really liked the Lil’ John skits, the Ashy Larry, or the Crackhead bit. But never would you find an entire show of shitty skits. These “lost episodes” are shittastic, nothing redeeming about them whatsoever. Charlie Murphy and that other fucktard are the absolute worst hosts you could ask for. The skits are hackneyed and tired at best. I didn’t laugh a single time during the two episodes, which not laughing at that show actually made me want to cry. So it’s good to see that Dave (yeah, he and I are on a first name basis) had enough integrity to walk away, knowing full well the consequences of an entire shitty season that you had zero creative control over yet had your name all over it, were far worse than the bad press he received while on hiatus. Still though, the money was nice.
On an unrelated note… when drinking and watching “The decline of western civilization II: the metal years” it’s ok to call Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead fame “Lenny”. You will be ridiculed for it at first, but you can blame it on the booze. Besides, not two minutes later the guy lambasting you will say something far more insane. For example, let’s pretend Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith fame were on screen. Now, let’s pretend that said friend says something to the effect of “blah blah Steve Perry and Joe Tyler!”. The fallout from that comment would be worth blogging about especially when he just got done making fun of you for a simple “m to n” conversion. Plus the random outbursts of Journey songs that come after that comment would just be comedy gold. If, that is, any of this actually happened, and weren’t some elaborate hyperbole. Anyhow, that’s all I got.
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and now a bevy of links for your viewing enjoyment.
I seriously love backflippers. or, rather, failures at backflipping.
oooh, motorcycly trickeration. dude, you can easily go double that speed. "left leg, ouch?" don't blame me, you shouldn't have listened when i said you could go double that speed.
when following a motorcycle race with a camera on your bike, you should prolly try not to aim for the guy who just wrecked.
yeah, we've all been this drunk at times. but when we holy shit did he just get hit by a car?
hoy shit, this is singularly the worst nutshot i've ever... ouch.
i hesitated to post this since i wanted to try this trick shot on a couple people who read my blog. now, instead, i have accomplices.
uhhh... woops?
uhhh... wow. scroll down so you can read the subtitles. just... wow.
30 July 2006
27 July 2006
i'm an anarchist? O RLY?
so i took this test, which i thought to be quite... meh. i hate quizzes about politics that don't have a "neither agree nor disagree". ahh well, i'm all for governing oneself and all that good shit. w00t!
| You are a Social Liberal (85% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (91% permissive) You are best described as a: You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (130, 155) modscore: (55, 51) raw: (5449)
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
23 July 2006
I'm down with O.P.P.
Wow, ok, so it’s been a while. So I will start out with simply this: I LOVE POUTINE. What? Yeah I said it. French fries, cheese curds and gravy. So damn delicious. Anyhow I had a ton of fun in Canadialand. I mean really, how can you not what with the drinking and golfing and golfing and drinking. I will however say FUCK CANADA. I had to pay duty on 3 cases of beer, yippie shit right? Throw em a fin and be done with it right? FUCKING WRONG BITCHES! After a 5% duty, 7%GST and 38% MOTHERFUCKING PROVINCIAL MARK-UP I am now paying 50% in taxes which just took my $45 purchase and turned it into an almost $70 purchase. Everything is so much more expensive over there, and that’s without the 15% sales taxes you pay on everything. But, I guess that’s the price you pay for shitty socialized health care. I would absolutely love to see the percentages of provincial mark up on all goods, cuz I’m pretty sure it would be fucking scary. You pay around 30% in income tax right out of your check, then 15% on everything you buy, plus the province skims their own vig on the provincial mark up… fuck that. This is why Americans who want social health care are retarded. Talk to Canadians, most of them hold private insurance, otherwise they’d die in line waiting for any kind of operations. Anyhow, I’m done with that. Moving on.
On the drive back there was an accident, and an odd looking one at that. Someone flew off the road at a high enough rate of speed to smack into a telephone pole about 5 or 6 feet up the pole and around 15-20 feet off the road. That’s hard core. However, you know bad shit happened when one ambulance leaves with siren blaring and not 2 minutes later another one leaves, driving slow, and without lights or siren. Guess there’s no rush when you’re just delivering a corpse.
A couple nights ago Rev and I were out doing our thing (read: getting shit faced) and boy did we do it right. We burned through a half gallon of cheap whiskey then decided to hit the bar. I know for certain I was telling the waitress I wanted to do shots off her ass, which, apparently I thought was a spectacular ass. Then I proceeded to have a full conversation with the 50 year old bartender lady about women’s breasts. A bunch of whiskey and jager bombs later we headed to a diner, I have no clue what I ate, but I know for certain I was hitting on the waitress like mad. She also had a stellar ass and for some reason when I’m drunk I feel that the more I tell a woman how great her ass is, the more smooth I am being. I was told she’s a lesbian, but I refuse to believe it. I want my illusions.
On the drive back there was an accident, and an odd looking one at that. Someone flew off the road at a high enough rate of speed to smack into a telephone pole about 5 or 6 feet up the pole and around 15-20 feet off the road. That’s hard core. However, you know bad shit happened when one ambulance leaves with siren blaring and not 2 minutes later another one leaves, driving slow, and without lights or siren. Guess there’s no rush when you’re just delivering a corpse.
A couple nights ago Rev and I were out doing our thing (read: getting shit faced) and boy did we do it right. We burned through a half gallon of cheap whiskey then decided to hit the bar. I know for certain I was telling the waitress I wanted to do shots off her ass, which, apparently I thought was a spectacular ass. Then I proceeded to have a full conversation with the 50 year old bartender lady about women’s breasts. A bunch of whiskey and jager bombs later we headed to a diner, I have no clue what I ate, but I know for certain I was hitting on the waitress like mad. She also had a stellar ass and for some reason when I’m drunk I feel that the more I tell a woman how great her ass is, the more smooth I am being. I was told she’s a lesbian, but I refuse to believe it. I want my illusions.
29 June 2006
blah?
i have absolutely nothing interesting to say. and this upsets me. grrrr. so, instead i leave you with some links. be warned, i was in a dark mood when i found some of these. some of them may contain fatalities. nothing graphic like blood, just... well, you'll see.
Motorcycle race turns one a bike accident into a one bike, two crew and another bike accident.
so there's a horse race, and a rogue horse running the wrong way... i hope he has insurance.
la la la la la... just runnin from the cops, what's the worst that could happ...
this guy is the fastest clothes taker offerer evar!
note to self, don't fuck with this guy.
classic clip of the dude with headinelephantsassitis.
pretty sure i posted the japanese wake up pranks... now, i will never use a port-a-pisser in japanland either. the first few are nothing too big, but the last three are priceless.
and still more of those crazy japs and their trickery. now i have to add never using a massage chair in a spa on a mountain to the list.
single greatest ventreloquist evar!
comprehensive list of all the full length cartoons on you-tube.
and a shitty ms paint contest for the snakes on a plane poster.
Motorcycle race turns one a bike accident into a one bike, two crew and another bike accident.
so there's a horse race, and a rogue horse running the wrong way... i hope he has insurance.
la la la la la... just runnin from the cops, what's the worst that could happ...
this guy is the fastest clothes taker offerer evar!
note to self, don't fuck with this guy.
classic clip of the dude with headinelephantsassitis.
pretty sure i posted the japanese wake up pranks... now, i will never use a port-a-pisser in japanland either. the first few are nothing too big, but the last three are priceless.
and still more of those crazy japs and their trickery. now i have to add never using a massage chair in a spa on a mountain to the list.
single greatest ventreloquist evar!
comprehensive list of all the full length cartoons on you-tube.
and a shitty ms paint contest for the snakes on a plane poster.
22 June 2006
Fred Phelps
I love the Westboro Baptist Church. Yes, I said love. Now let me explain. I hate their message. I find it repugnant to say that you are happy soldiers are dead. In fact one of their messages is "thank god for dead soldiers" and "thank god for 9/11". I've read most of God Hates Fags and God Hates America which, if you can get over how shitty the design and the message, are actually quite inadvertently funny in their hate and misinformation. This is where my love for them comes in. They are 100% pure entertainment. While I think it's shitty they protest Soldier's funerals, the manner in which they do it, and the cocksureness they have in their whackalooniness is so heartwarmingly enjoyable as to piss a brother off, and yet, provide a solid bit of entertainment.
One of the radio stations in the area likes to interview Fred Phelps when he comes to town and that man is pure bile and entertainment. I have never seen nor heard an interview with any of these batshit crazies that didn't break down to the interviewer just going all crusader on the person and the nutjob throwing out some half assed insult and then continuing on with their clearly brainwashed rhetoric. The really funny part is when the interviewers get flabbergasted at the nutsycookoos sheer dismissal of logic/reason/biblical contradictions. It is this brazen display of "pick and choose" rule following and dismissal of the interviewers and their beliefs that truly provide me my entertainment. It’s kinda like watching the Manson girl’s parole hearings.
Now, while they do provide me with a modicum of entertainment would I be sad if they all died a horrible fiery death? Nope. Would I thank god? Nah, freedom of speech is after all, freedom for all. Would I find extremely hilarious if during them chanting "thank god for IEDs" they were suddenly all mortally wounded/maimed/disfigured or otherwise hurt by a roadside bomb? You know I would. in fact, were I consuming any beverage at the time I either saw or heard that announcement, it would be coming out my nose I’d be laughing so hard. Am I a sick man? Yes, yes I am.
Side note: the WBC (westboro baptist church) has less than 100 members, 80% of which are family... how shitty must family gatherings be? "Daddy, can I have a big wheel?" "No son, big wheels are for fags. You don't want to go to hell do you?”
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To all the soldiers and their families, I wish you all the best, and a heartfelt thank you.
------
Whackaloon on Hannity and Colmes.
Same nutjob on a different fox show.
One of the radio stations in the area likes to interview Fred Phelps when he comes to town and that man is pure bile and entertainment. I have never seen nor heard an interview with any of these batshit crazies that didn't break down to the interviewer just going all crusader on the person and the nutjob throwing out some half assed insult and then continuing on with their clearly brainwashed rhetoric. The really funny part is when the interviewers get flabbergasted at the nutsycookoos sheer dismissal of logic/reason/biblical contradictions. It is this brazen display of "pick and choose" rule following and dismissal of the interviewers and their beliefs that truly provide me my entertainment. It’s kinda like watching the Manson girl’s parole hearings.
Now, while they do provide me with a modicum of entertainment would I be sad if they all died a horrible fiery death? Nope. Would I thank god? Nah, freedom of speech is after all, freedom for all. Would I find extremely hilarious if during them chanting "thank god for IEDs" they were suddenly all mortally wounded/maimed/disfigured or otherwise hurt by a roadside bomb? You know I would. in fact, were I consuming any beverage at the time I either saw or heard that announcement, it would be coming out my nose I’d be laughing so hard. Am I a sick man? Yes, yes I am.
Side note: the WBC (westboro baptist church) has less than 100 members, 80% of which are family... how shitty must family gatherings be? "Daddy, can I have a big wheel?" "No son, big wheels are for fags. You don't want to go to hell do you?”
------
To all the soldiers and their families, I wish you all the best, and a heartfelt thank you.
------
Whackaloon on Hannity and Colmes.
Same nutjob on a different fox show.
16 June 2006
Freud?
| Freudian Inventory Results |
| Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own. Anal (26%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything. Phallic (83%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity. Latency (43%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests. Genital (63%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
yeah yeah, i took one of these damn things. pretty damn accurate too for a shitty personality test dilly. i've been having trouble coming up with something to post about, but soon children... soon.
05 June 2006
Tell me why! I don't like Mondays...
Once upon a time, on a Monday not unlike today (it was today) there a couple of friends driving in a van from point a to point b. it was a peaceful noonish hour. Neither friend saying much as both had just awakened from their respective slumbers. The occasional, "tell my why!?" could be heard, with a half hearted response of, "I don't like mondaaaaaays" and possibly an, "I want to shoo ooo ooo ooot, the whole day down." all of this lethargy was punctuated by neither friend actually breaking into full on song mode (as is a common occurrence). So, whilst stopped at light in transit the driver looks at the passenger, not in a gay way, but in an "I’m trying to be subtle" way, while rolling up his window. This of course strikes the passenger as odd as without the breeze the 79 degree weather doesn't seem so "comfortable" anymore. The passenger makes note to the driver of these conditions and says unto the driver, "heh. Uhh?" to which the driver responds, "I have my reasons."
at this point, the passenger's eyes bulge out of his head, he is craning his neck about, then in an excited tone asks, "are there picketers up ahead??!?!?!?!" you see, the passenger loves picketers. Well, hates, them, but loves to lob objects and obscenities at them. But the passenger can't see the picketers as there are many semi trucks in the way blocking his view. Then, it happened. The light turned green, the trucks no longer an issue, and there laid out before him on the drivers side of the road were picketers. Lots of them. So passenger decided to crawl his fat ass halfway out the wide open passenger window so he could both look at and yell to the picketers. The first group of picketers were struck in awe as they heard the words "GO BACK TO WORK IMMIGRANTS! THIS IS NO WAY TO GET CITIZENSHIP! GO BACK TO WORK!" the passenger thought he had hit the bulk of them, and saw some stragglers and decided hurl a couple "motherfuckers" at them. THEN HE SAW THE MOTHERLODE! Holy shit there must have been around 100 lazy union bastards sitting around eating in one giant. They couldn't even picket without a proper lunch hour. "Sorry tom, union rules, I don't have to carry this sign for the next 49 minutes and if you try to make me, I’m gonna call my rep." so the bulk of the picketers also get the "go back to work immigrants!!" treatment. As the friends get caught at the next light, driver checks his mirrors and says (in a laughing tone),"dude, every single person is staring at us." passenger cannot help but laugh and speculate as to their utter confusion as to what just transpired. a fat man, leaning out of a minivan window telling them to get back to work and calling them immigrants. On their lunch break no less.
I err... passenger nor driver knew what they were striking over. but ever since "the day without a Mexican" when passenger saw parents (non immigrants) picketing the local school board for a recall and decided to call them immigrants and to go back to work, it has become his standard. However, I would never drive past an immigrant protest and call them union workers. That’d just be mean. And I’m not THAT insensitive. So, driver and passenger talked about making shirts and signs with new slogans. Slogans they could really stand behind, and go join the picketers. Slogans like, "UNIONS ARE KILLING AMERICA'S ECONOMY! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?" and "UNIONS ARE FOR LAZY SELF IMPORTANT ASSHOLES!" and my favorite, "IMMIGRANTS WILL DO YOUR JOB FOR 1/3 THE PAY, KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT AND ACTUALLY WORK!" and with the prevalence of the UAW (united auto workers (u aint workin')) we'll never be out of picket lines to hit. Now, if we could get corporate sponsors we could make a living at this shit. Anyhow, time for my lunch break. I cannot be bothered.
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This dude made a transformers costume. THAT TRANSFORMS!
Breast implants save lives. as this TLC clip will prove. (totally safe for work)
hehehehe, ALMOST as good as the faceplant guy. but, it is a fun "so you think you can dance" clip.
well, since i never posted it, the faceplant guy from "SYTYCD"
new tourettes guy video. NSFW (adult language)
at this point, the passenger's eyes bulge out of his head, he is craning his neck about, then in an excited tone asks, "are there picketers up ahead??!?!?!?!" you see, the passenger loves picketers. Well, hates, them, but loves to lob objects and obscenities at them. But the passenger can't see the picketers as there are many semi trucks in the way blocking his view. Then, it happened. The light turned green, the trucks no longer an issue, and there laid out before him on the drivers side of the road were picketers. Lots of them. So passenger decided to crawl his fat ass halfway out the wide open passenger window so he could both look at and yell to the picketers. The first group of picketers were struck in awe as they heard the words "GO BACK TO WORK IMMIGRANTS! THIS IS NO WAY TO GET CITIZENSHIP! GO BACK TO WORK!" the passenger thought he had hit the bulk of them, and saw some stragglers and decided hurl a couple "motherfuckers" at them. THEN HE SAW THE MOTHERLODE! Holy shit there must have been around 100 lazy union bastards sitting around eating in one giant. They couldn't even picket without a proper lunch hour. "Sorry tom, union rules, I don't have to carry this sign for the next 49 minutes and if you try to make me, I’m gonna call my rep." so the bulk of the picketers also get the "go back to work immigrants!!" treatment. As the friends get caught at the next light, driver checks his mirrors and says (in a laughing tone),"dude, every single person is staring at us." passenger cannot help but laugh and speculate as to their utter confusion as to what just transpired. a fat man, leaning out of a minivan window telling them to get back to work and calling them immigrants. On their lunch break no less.
I err... passenger nor driver knew what they were striking over. but ever since "the day without a Mexican" when passenger saw parents (non immigrants) picketing the local school board for a recall and decided to call them immigrants and to go back to work, it has become his standard. However, I would never drive past an immigrant protest and call them union workers. That’d just be mean. And I’m not THAT insensitive. So, driver and passenger talked about making shirts and signs with new slogans. Slogans they could really stand behind, and go join the picketers. Slogans like, "UNIONS ARE KILLING AMERICA'S ECONOMY! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?" and "UNIONS ARE FOR LAZY SELF IMPORTANT ASSHOLES!" and my favorite, "IMMIGRANTS WILL DO YOUR JOB FOR 1/3 THE PAY, KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT AND ACTUALLY WORK!" and with the prevalence of the UAW (united auto workers (u aint workin')) we'll never be out of picket lines to hit. Now, if we could get corporate sponsors we could make a living at this shit. Anyhow, time for my lunch break. I cannot be bothered.
-------
This dude made a transformers costume. THAT TRANSFORMS!
Breast implants save lives. as this TLC clip will prove. (totally safe for work)
hehehehe, ALMOST as good as the faceplant guy. but, it is a fun "so you think you can dance" clip.
well, since i never posted it, the faceplant guy from "SYTYCD"
new tourettes guy video. NSFW (adult language)
28 May 2006
“Hey this is my roommate. He likes to pound ass!”
… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Wow… so updates. Right now I’m chillin in the back seat somewhere on I-10 in Florida. The last few days have been a blur. And well they should be as I had a 680 dollar bar tab (I had to take it easy since I didn’t have a lot of money). But brief rundown/ lessons learned on this trip:
I love lesbians.
Girls named Kari from Kentucky who are hot as shit and making out with you will not sleep with you because of the gigantic rock on her finger.
Girls named Erin won’t sleep with you cuz her girlfriend is angry and she just got nailed an hour earlier.
Erin’s girlfriend won’t sleep with you because the guy she’s making out with is hotter than you. However both girls will give you their digits and place of employment so you can call and come visit when you all get home.
Girls named Julie won’t sleep with you cuz your younger brother managed to stay sober longer to spit more game.
Girls named Tara won’t sleep with you cuz “I’m gonna pass out on the floor cock up, why don’t you come ride it?” is not a good line… apparently.
Ordering tequila shots by the handful for yourself to catch up with everyone else that happen to be drunk… not a good idea, as I am no longer vomit free since 2003.
Oh, girls named Natasya from Macedonia who are back in training as a competitive kick boxer and who will match your tiger style with her crane style will not sleep with you no matter how badly they want to because it will get them fired. Also when confronted with a Mui Thai stance, she will grapple your ass and start throwing knees, which in the middle of a dining room is just fucking hot. It’s hot anywhere but it was hotter there.
Girls named Janelle from the Philippines will not sleep with you even though you promise to give her your e-mail and profess your love for her in Tagalog.
I am now immortalized on Carnival Imagination, as I was walking past the dice table I heard the dealer on stick say, “winner winner chicken dinner!” I stopped, then I heard it from the roulette table. And neither person could have seen me as I was behind both of them, and sober (read: not yelling).
Crazy Polish dudes don’t appreciate a solid cock block, and they will return to the scene of the crime after you’re gone. Only to be ignored. HA!
When I am in full on bumrush drunk mode and come into the room and kick off my sandals not unlike a ninja and Joe tries to block them from hitting him, I take exception to his arm block technique and tell him not to shush me like I;m the damn toxic avenger.
Oh, if you party till 430 am and have to wake up at 7am to disembark you will be hating yourself. However when you decide to be the goodwill ambassador to friends in the line by delivering champagne to them it makes it slightly more bearable. Oh, and when someone says to you, “Jesus Christ it’s 8am!” the only proper response to that is, “booze can’t tell time”.
Going through customs with a buzz=FUN!
Also, since the line to disembark runs past your room, getting in line is for losers, instead, open your door sit in comfort drink champagne and watch cheaper by the dozen two and wait for the line to pass you by. Cuz really, why wait in line in you can watch TV, drink and smoke.
Oh, and family sucks. Well, mostly my brother, since he decided he needed to inform everyone at our table that I have another addiction. I laugh at brown words. It’s juvenile I know, but suddenly a light bulb appeared over everyone’s head when they suddenly realized why I was always giggling like a schoolgirl whenever they would announce anything to do with the duty free. So then, for the rest of the night people would just walk past me and drop a kaka here, a feces there and doodies abound (ok, I’m laughing really hard at the thought of poop being flung about so willie nillie). So yes, there is another confession for you. Oh, when people say stuff like, “yeah but, fuckin the roads are horrible” all I hear is “butt fuckin”. Anyhow, it’s quarter to 6 and we’re in Georgia and my brain is addled. So I don’t know when I will post this. But I’m sure I’ll scam some wifi somewhere between here and Detroit.
-----
well, i had posted this about 6 hours ago, and after awaking from my nap, seems i did not actually post it. meh. meh. anyhow, yeah, if someone had an rss and would like to copy the original update from the bottom in the comments i'd appreciate it.
Wow… so updates. Right now I’m chillin in the back seat somewhere on I-10 in Florida. The last few days have been a blur. And well they should be as I had a 680 dollar bar tab (I had to take it easy since I didn’t have a lot of money). But brief rundown/ lessons learned on this trip:
I love lesbians.
Girls named Kari from Kentucky who are hot as shit and making out with you will not sleep with you because of the gigantic rock on her finger.
Girls named Erin won’t sleep with you cuz her girlfriend is angry and she just got nailed an hour earlier.
Erin’s girlfriend won’t sleep with you because the guy she’s making out with is hotter than you. However both girls will give you their digits and place of employment so you can call and come visit when you all get home.
Girls named Julie won’t sleep with you cuz your younger brother managed to stay sober longer to spit more game.
Girls named Tara won’t sleep with you cuz “I’m gonna pass out on the floor cock up, why don’t you come ride it?” is not a good line… apparently.
Ordering tequila shots by the handful for yourself to catch up with everyone else that happen to be drunk… not a good idea, as I am no longer vomit free since 2003.
Oh, girls named Natasya from Macedonia who are back in training as a competitive kick boxer and who will match your tiger style with her crane style will not sleep with you no matter how badly they want to because it will get them fired. Also when confronted with a Mui Thai stance, she will grapple your ass and start throwing knees, which in the middle of a dining room is just fucking hot. It’s hot anywhere but it was hotter there.
Girls named Janelle from the Philippines will not sleep with you even though you promise to give her your e-mail and profess your love for her in Tagalog.
I am now immortalized on Carnival Imagination, as I was walking past the dice table I heard the dealer on stick say, “winner winner chicken dinner!” I stopped, then I heard it from the roulette table. And neither person could have seen me as I was behind both of them, and sober (read: not yelling).
Crazy Polish dudes don’t appreciate a solid cock block, and they will return to the scene of the crime after you’re gone. Only to be ignored. HA!
When I am in full on bumrush drunk mode and come into the room and kick off my sandals not unlike a ninja and Joe tries to block them from hitting him, I take exception to his arm block technique and tell him not to shush me like I;m the damn toxic avenger.
Oh, if you party till 430 am and have to wake up at 7am to disembark you will be hating yourself. However when you decide to be the goodwill ambassador to friends in the line by delivering champagne to them it makes it slightly more bearable. Oh, and when someone says to you, “Jesus Christ it’s 8am!” the only proper response to that is, “booze can’t tell time”.
Going through customs with a buzz=FUN!
Also, since the line to disembark runs past your room, getting in line is for losers, instead, open your door sit in comfort drink champagne and watch cheaper by the dozen two and wait for the line to pass you by. Cuz really, why wait in line in you can watch TV, drink and smoke.
Oh, and family sucks. Well, mostly my brother, since he decided he needed to inform everyone at our table that I have another addiction. I laugh at brown words. It’s juvenile I know, but suddenly a light bulb appeared over everyone’s head when they suddenly realized why I was always giggling like a schoolgirl whenever they would announce anything to do with the duty free. So then, for the rest of the night people would just walk past me and drop a kaka here, a feces there and doodies abound (ok, I’m laughing really hard at the thought of poop being flung about so willie nillie). So yes, there is another confession for you. Oh, when people say stuff like, “yeah but, fuckin the roads are horrible” all I hear is “butt fuckin”. Anyhow, it’s quarter to 6 and we’re in Georgia and my brain is addled. So I don’t know when I will post this. But I’m sure I’ll scam some wifi somewhere between here and Detroit.
-----
well, i had posted this about 6 hours ago, and after awaking from my nap, seems i did not actually post it. meh. meh. anyhow, yeah, if someone had an rss and would like to copy the original update from the bottom in the comments i'd appreciate it.
24 May 2006
Yaaaaar! show me pirate booty!
Well, it’s been an interesting last couple of days so far. I’ll try to make this concise… but you all know me. Anyhow, we drove from Detroit to Miami starting Sunday morning. For the most part is pretty easy going other than my brother still being drunk when we started. And since he was drunk, he was goofy as shit. The first part of the trip wasn’t bad, we blew through Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee like it was our job. We made tracks through Atlanta that would have made general Sherman proud, the whole while doing battle with a fucking mini cooper that had a vanity plate that read “UK CAR” to which we laughed and then proceeded to do battle. Anyhow, all I have to say is, FUCK FLORIDA. The way they run their toll road, and sheer amount of time spent driving through that godforsaken state are enough to piss a brother off. So we finally get into Miami and traffic is backed up like whoa so we hopped off and cruised the barrio.
Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before you with a confession. I, am an addict. I love Spanish language programming. If my cable company had telemundo or univision I would never change the channel. As we were cruising through the states I would simply hit the scan button and stop on the first Spanish language channel I heard. I love it. I understand none of it. But I’m addicted. So it seemed fitting to cruise Miami listening to latin programming. I, am a dork.
So after a short nap in the parking garage we boarded the boat. The rest, is a bit of a blur. I know there was a lot of drinking. A LOT of drinking. There was some rowdieness and some game spitting, and allegedly some bar stool falling off of-ing. I know for certain last night I danced to Beat It, and moonwalked to deafening cheers. I may or may not have stood around the craps table just being a drunken lout and trying to get people to come play so I could yell “NEW SHOOTAH!!!!” and “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”. Apart from all that the last two nights have been spent in total inebriation talking with one of the girls from my bowling league trying to solve the worlds problems. Last night, we solved all problems domestic. Perhaps tonight we’ll solve all the global issues. I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.
Apparently, when it’s early morning and joe hacks up a lung and spits into the toilet and flushes it, in my booze/sleep addled ears it sounds like he litteraly coughed up his stomach and fed it to an Orc. He came out of the bathroom and I slurred, “is there an orc in the bathroom?” since then there have been ritual tithings to the orc. Don’t ask. I’m not sure why I chose an orc. I was still drunk. And asleep. Screw you for judging me!
So today was our day in Grand Cayman. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I was in pirate heaven. I was just walking yelling, “yaaaar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!” and I was shouting at the pirate ships, which is always fun. The one ship was named the Anne Bonney, who herself was a female pirate under Captain Cack Rackham. i believe that was his name. but that’s where the homage ended as they were sailing under the standard of the jolly roger, and not Cap’n Jack’s. whatever, the Jolly Roger is a lot more recognizable. Anyhow, the one major thing I noticed was the sever lack of urchins hawking their wares. I mean, in the Bahamas as soon as you get off the boat you are accosted by street vendors and taxi drivers and shell game guys and hair braiders every 2 feet. It’s almost work just to avoid being taken in by a scam. But here, it was awesome, get off the boat, and there are a couple of people with signs informing you of their legitimate business and its services and no one yelling or groping, or overall shilling. Plus there are no stop signs. It’s weird. And all the drivers stop at the crosswalks very politely and allow you to cross. I kept wanting to go into any one of the banks and inquire about a corporate account. Anyhow, I have typed for long enough, I need to get my drink on. Tomorrow is Jamaica and I’m sure it’s gonna get ugly. w00t!!
Wow… I really rambled.
Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before you with a confession. I, am an addict. I love Spanish language programming. If my cable company had telemundo or univision I would never change the channel. As we were cruising through the states I would simply hit the scan button and stop on the first Spanish language channel I heard. I love it. I understand none of it. But I’m addicted. So it seemed fitting to cruise Miami listening to latin programming. I, am a dork.
So after a short nap in the parking garage we boarded the boat. The rest, is a bit of a blur. I know there was a lot of drinking. A LOT of drinking. There was some rowdieness and some game spitting, and allegedly some bar stool falling off of-ing. I know for certain last night I danced to Beat It, and moonwalked to deafening cheers. I may or may not have stood around the craps table just being a drunken lout and trying to get people to come play so I could yell “NEW SHOOTAH!!!!” and “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”. Apart from all that the last two nights have been spent in total inebriation talking with one of the girls from my bowling league trying to solve the worlds problems. Last night, we solved all problems domestic. Perhaps tonight we’ll solve all the global issues. I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.
Apparently, when it’s early morning and joe hacks up a lung and spits into the toilet and flushes it, in my booze/sleep addled ears it sounds like he litteraly coughed up his stomach and fed it to an Orc. He came out of the bathroom and I slurred, “is there an orc in the bathroom?” since then there have been ritual tithings to the orc. Don’t ask. I’m not sure why I chose an orc. I was still drunk. And asleep. Screw you for judging me!
So today was our day in Grand Cayman. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I was in pirate heaven. I was just walking yelling, “yaaaar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!” and I was shouting at the pirate ships, which is always fun. The one ship was named the Anne Bonney, who herself was a female pirate under Captain Cack Rackham. i believe that was his name. but that’s where the homage ended as they were sailing under the standard of the jolly roger, and not Cap’n Jack’s. whatever, the Jolly Roger is a lot more recognizable. Anyhow, the one major thing I noticed was the sever lack of urchins hawking their wares. I mean, in the Bahamas as soon as you get off the boat you are accosted by street vendors and taxi drivers and shell game guys and hair braiders every 2 feet. It’s almost work just to avoid being taken in by a scam. But here, it was awesome, get off the boat, and there are a couple of people with signs informing you of their legitimate business and its services and no one yelling or groping, or overall shilling. Plus there are no stop signs. It’s weird. And all the drivers stop at the crosswalks very politely and allow you to cross. I kept wanting to go into any one of the banks and inquire about a corporate account. Anyhow, I have typed for long enough, I need to get my drink on. Tomorrow is Jamaica and I’m sure it’s gonna get ugly. w00t!!
Wow… I really rambled.
21 May 2006
good day.
well, tonight my cousin had his grad party from college. it got a little drunk out and in 8 hours i'm going to be on my trek to florida to leave the port of miami on my way to jamaica and grand cayman. i'm not typing well right now, cuz the jager bombs were flowing freely. i had a point. but i forgot it. anyhow, we're driving to Fla. so for 20 hours it's me my brother joe and my other brother joe. well, one of them isn't my brother. you get to guess which. HA! something something blah blah. yeah, i got nothin. so, leave me hate mail while i'm gone. i've never had hate mail from the blog. anyhow, i think i hear some beer calling my name. gaaah!
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HA! you fool! shoulda bought a fuzz buster.
hehehehe. chick does the cola and mentos gag, inside herself.
la la la la i'ma jump off some playground equipment... wonder how successful i'll be?
the worst part is, i have a couple buddies who do this dance every single time this song is played. the sad part? the karaoke hostess makes sure to play it...
--------
HA! you fool! shoulda bought a fuzz buster.
hehehehe. chick does the cola and mentos gag, inside herself.
la la la la i'ma jump off some playground equipment... wonder how successful i'll be?
the worst part is, i have a couple buddies who do this dance every single time this song is played. the sad part? the karaoke hostess makes sure to play it...
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