These Dreams?

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?
------

and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.


 

This woman named Dana.

So, i was at the bar last night when this enchanting woman named Dana came up to me and decided to chat me up. she's a beautiful girl, with great taste in music who happens to be a model. a model who happens to not mind hangin' with a fat guy and making him feel special every now and then. ahhh, that girl. she's something special that one. she's got the greatest skin tone, it's a light caramel that just makes you want to see if she tastes like White Russian or like that damn delicious scent she wears that makes you want to believe that dreams really do come true. ahh Dana... the girl of every guys dreams.

-----
and now, some links.

ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse? ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse not attached to chuck norris of jean claude van damme? now you have.

apparently college humor can mapquest your way to the clitoris. the female orgasm is a myth and that's that what i'm sticking with.

best christmas present evar.

if you need clarification on the above, whatch this video. if the link goes dead, let me know. NBC has been on a crusade.

there ya go dana, i blogged about you. love ya darlin.

For Chaz

So, last night I was at the Red Wing’s game having fun, drinkin, and being loud. You know, the usual. Middle of the second period all of the sudden I feel this weight on my knee. I look down and what to my wondering eyes should I see? This guy:



So after jostling him a few times and asking him for his beer and his wallet we were sure he was indeed passed out. When I received no reply to either query we knew it was time to start to fucking with him. So, I had the guy in front of him take a snap shot of me with “passed out drunk guy”



The little credit card pagoda right outside our section gives away something every game for filling out applications. This night it was Red Wing’s blankets. He happened to have one with him so we covered him up. By this point people all around started taking notice. Cameras were coming out left and right. When the period ended this dude with his kid decided it was photo op time. The old man had his kid sit in the seat with his arm around passed out drunk guy and pops took a quick snap shot. I wish I had a pic of that, but alas I do not. However, this girl did come over from a full section over to poke and prod passed out drunk guy. I went outside to have a smoke at this point, but apparently poke and prod chick came back, this time with lipstick.





So, I was outside smoking and showing off my pictures of passed out drunk guy and telling everyone which section he was in so that they too can have a photo op with him. However, much to my chagrin when I got back… he was gone. Apparently medics came up and took him away.





It was reported to me that passed out drunk guy’s real name was Chaz. At least, that’s what he told the medics. However, this trooper while being escorted down the steps had one parting statement, “hey, where’s my beer?”. So last night, we drank for Chaz.



 

scenes from a livonia bar.

brother: ever seen "you, me and dupree?"
me: nope. but i wanted to. 
brother: good cuz i have it in my car. 
me: i have it in my nuts!
brother: you have dupree in your nuts?
me: no, i have jennifer aniston in my nuts. 
brother: fag, that was "the break up" you mean kate hudson.
me: yeah. well, bonus. cuz i can spank it to her, and her mom, whom at one point was a handsome woman.
--------

me: holy shit is that k-fed?
table of people: holy shit i think it is.
me: he seems shorter. and gayer.
them: you should ask him.
me: nah, i'ma call the bar and ask if they know k-fed slid behind the bar.
nelly: wouldn't it be fed-x?
me: teehee... I GET IT, EX K-FED... FED-X!!!!
nelly: shut up and call.
(ring ring)jules: bench pub?
me: do you know you have k-fed behind the bar?
jules: yeah, please come kick his ass.
me: sorry, if i kick a gay man's ass that's a hate crime.
---------

me: i'm grabbing your ass.
her: what?
me: i'm grabbing your ass. right now. my hand is on your ass.
her: what?
me: you're dumb.
her what?
me: dumb, you are. zero intellect. no sense. mildly retarded.
her: what? yeah.
me: i want to sex you in the forehead.
her: i like a challenge!
--------

me: hey, you own a muffler shop, how much to bend up some pipe?
them: to go where?
me: test pipe. to replace the CAT.
them: one million dollars, that's the fine.
me: i'm not asking you to install it. just to bend it.
them: we can install a cat for $250
me: fuck that. i don't need anything installed. just some pipe bent.
them: well, with the way the Y comes in, we need a special CAT. so $35o.
me: are you retarded? it's a simple single CAT. nothing more.
them: no. no no. the Y goes in...
me: shut up. you're dumb. i don't want your services. a straight 6 '91 f-150 does none of what you say.
them: here's our card and a couple extras. give them to your friends. the prices we told you are only good for tomorrow and thursday. anytime after that and we can't promise you those prices.
me: i will not be coming to you, as you are both idiots and i wouldn't trust you with my truck if you payed me to.
them: remember, tomorrow and thursday only.
-----

ahh the bar. i love it so.

"The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times"

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.

-The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
-----
so, today is the 31st anniversary of the wreck of the edmund fitz... here are some conversations from this eve:

me (about cruises): don't order the beer, they'll ass rape you.
some chick: what do you mean ass rape?
me: you know, like in prison have someone force themselves upon your anus.
some chick: if you order a beer?
me: oh. no, i meant price wise on the cruise. similar to ass rape.
zach's wife: you know sodomy. 
me: well, forced sodomy.
zach's wife: well, you order a beer, and you get GHB and a foreigner fucking you in the ass.
---

colin: so, how'd the election turn out for you?
me: fuck the Dem's. they want that slut back in power, they get what they deserve in the next 4 years.
colin: so, you're not gonna change states?
me: what? and be like the whiney Dem's after '04 when Bush won? I'm going to canada!  fuck that. and fuck Canada. Fucking socialists.
----

me: Dude i wanna play wreck of the edmund fitsz again.
dude: man, once is enough.
me: but dude, i want these people to suffer!
dude: i thought you were playing it so they would understand and feel and shit.
me: fuck that! i want them to suffer through a 15 minute folk song about a ship that sank in 4 minutes.
dude: dick.
----
curt(on the phone and drunk as shit): WHERE YOU AT FUCKER!!!!!????
me: about to walk home.
curt: FROM THE BENCH!!!!????
me: nope. from your mom's vagina.
curt: OH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU'RE WALKING HOME FROM SOUTH LYON!!!!!!!!
me: nope. but your mom's vagina is so big, by the time i walk out and trip over the labia minora i'm home!
[click]
me: hello?
----
curt (calling back): hello.
me: did you hang up on me cuz i was talking about your mom's vagina?
curt: are you done?
me: no! in fact...
[click]
----

ahh thursdays, always a good day.

i'm a suave motherfucker.

me: hey darlin' how's it goin?
her: i'm drunk as fuck. 
me: me too, and my hand is on your ass!
her: is that what that is? it is so helping me stand up!
----

me: umm... awkward, but did we we have sex?
her #2: (all snotty like) uhhh, i don't think so. 
me: you don't think so? 
her #2: uhh, yeah. 
me: so you don't know if we've had sex? SWEET! I LOVE SLUTS!  let's try to jog your memory.
----

me: oh hey, i know you. you're one of the twins.
her #3: uhh... no. they're over there.
me: so... you like fat guys?
----

so right now, i am a gassy mofo. drank a bunch of blue tonight at our neighborhood bonfire then went to the bar. somewhere in the midst of all this my farts somehow smell like dead rats on white castle hamburgers, burned in an oil fire. yeah, i so strafed the bar on my way out, and so told everyone i was doing so. i'm a baaaaaaaaad man! 

GCIII says it all. end of argument.

There has been a lot of chatter lately involving Bush and his recent bill The Military Commissions Act of 2006(pdf). People on TV bashing it saying it’s unconstitutional, people on the web saying bush is making a mess of things, people all over saying that it clearly violates the Geneva Convention [sic]. Apparently none of these people have read the Act nor the Geneva Conventions. So, being the good natured guy I am, I’m going to give you all a chance to do both. The above link is a download for a PDF, and here is a link to The Geneva Conventions. Today class we’re concentrating on Geneva Convention Three, or GCIII. This Convention lays out the treatment for prisoners of war. It also clearly outlines what an enemy combatant is. Let’s check it out shall we?


Art. 4. A. Prisoners of war, in the sense of the present Convention, are persons belonging to one of the following categories, who have fallen into the power of the enemy:

…(2) Members of other militias and members of other volunteer corps, including those of organized resistance movements, belonging to a Party to the conflict and operating in or outside their own territory, even if this territory is occupied, provided that such militias or volunteer corps, including such organized resistance movements, fulfil the following conditions:[ (a) that of being commanded by a person responsible for his subordinates; (b) that of having a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance; (c) that of carrying arms openly; (d) that of conducting their operations in accordance with the laws and customs of war.



Interesting… so, let’s say I catch a terrorist, he does not fulfill the above requirements, what should I do with him then O' Convention of wisdom?



Should any doubt arise as to whether persons, having committed a belligerent act and having fallen into the hands of the enemy, belong to any of the categories enumerated in Article 4, such persons shall enjoy the protection of the present Convention until such time as their status has been determined by a competent tribunal.

…Prisoners of war shall continue to have the benefit of such agreements as long as the Convention is applicable to them, except where express provisions to the contrary are contained in the aforesaid or in subsequent agreements, or where more favourable measures have been taken with regard to them by one or other of the Parties to the conflict.



Huh. Well, I guess that about settles it. I mean, the convention says so. So let’s see what this act wants to do shall we?



‘‘§ 948b. Military commissions generally
‘‘(a) PURPOSE.—This chapter establishes procedures governing
the use of military commissions to try alien unlawful enemy combatants
engaged in hostilities against the United States for violations
of the law of war and other offenses triable by military commission.

‘‘(b) AUTHORITY FOR MILITARY COMMISSIONS UNDER THIS
CHAPTER.—The President is authorized to establish military
commissions under this chapter for offenses triable by military
commission as provided in this chapter.


Odd… what do all these terms mean? Unlawful combatant? Let’s see what the act has to say.


‘‘§ 948a. Definitions
‘‘In this chapter:
‘‘(1) UNLAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—(A) The term ‘unlawful
enemy combatant’ means—
‘‘(i) a person who has engaged in hostilities or who
has purposefully and materially supported hostilities
against the United States or its co-belligerents who is
not a lawful enemy combatant (including a person who
is part of the Taliban, al Qaeda, or associated forces);
or
‘‘(ii) a person who, before, on, or after the date of
the enactment of the Military Commissions Act of 2006,
has been determined to be an unlawful enemy combatant
by a Combatant Status Review Tribunal or another competent
tribunal established under the authority of the
President or the Secretary of Defense.

‘‘(B) CO-BELLIGERENT.—In this paragraph, the term ‘cobelligerent’,
with respect to the United States, means any State
or armed force joining and directly engaged with the United
States in hostilities or directly supporting hostilities against
a common enemy.

‘‘(2) LAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—The term ‘lawful enemy
combatant’ means a person who is—
‘‘(A) a member of the regular forces of a State party
engaged in hostilities against the United States;
‘‘(B) a member of a militia, volunteer corps, or organized
resistance movement belonging to a State party
engaged in such hostilities, which are under responsible
command, wear a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at
a distance, carry their arms openly, and abide by the
law of war; or
‘‘(C) a member of a regular armed force who professes
allegiance to a government engaged in such hostilities,
but not recognized by the United States.

‘‘(3) ALIEN.—The term ‘alien’ means a person who is not
a citizen of the United States.

‘‘(4) CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.—The term ‘classified
information’ means the following:

‘‘(A) Any information or material that has been determined
by the United States Government pursuant to
statute, Executive order, or regulation to require protection
against unauthorized disclosure for reasons of national
security.

‘‘(B) Any restricted data, as that term is defined in
section 11 y. of the Atomic Energy Act of 1954 (42 U.S.C.
2014(y)).



Wow, so Chud, what you’re telling us is that the GCIII is quoted directly in this Act as a term of what a lawful combatant is, and what an unlawful combatant is? And that this act in no way defies the Conventions we hold so dear to our civilized hearts? How can this be? I mean, all the media as awash in the bashing of this act, and President Bush is an evil evil man right? I mean, if this Act isn’t the evil Geneva Conventions defying monster the media made it out to be, what else isn’t true? Well, kiddies, so much more. So, so much more. But that’s for a different class.



 

And now for some ultra violence?

Fuck "a clockwork orange"! 

that's all i have to say about that. 

good day.  

since i have been drinking away my posts, you get a meme!

This is about senior year of high school.

1. Who was your best friend?

Senior year? No one really. The guy who was my best friend left for the army. Though, you’d never know we were best friends what with me trying to snake his girl. Yeah, senior year, I guess Brandon would have been it.



2.What sports did u play?

Nothing for the school. Lots of paintball though.



3. What kind of car did you drive?

’88 ford ranger. The car had ground effects on it. It was so counter to everything I was. I was so metal.



4. It's Friday night, where were you?

Brandon’s house gearing up for a paintball game.



5. Were you a party animal?

Not really.



6. Were you considered a flirt?

Actually, yes.



7. Ever skip school?

Uhh, yeah, pretty much.



8. Were you a nerd?

I liked nerdy things. Like computers, and D&D and magic the gathering. Though I think I was out of the last two by senior year.



9. Were you in any clubs?

ROTC.



10. Did you get suspended/expelled?

Never expelled. Suspended many many times. I think I hold the record for number of times suspended while suspended. I was originally given a 3 day “in school” for smoking (Chud! You rebel!). then I was suspended because the bitch thought I was playing games on my calculator when in fact I was doing homework so she sent me to the office, proceeded to go through my shit and found some highly objectionable prose and short stories I had written. Those got me suspended for an additional 5 days. Finally the next day I caused civil unrest in the suspension (planning?) room for the blatant disregard for my personal possessions the day prior. This earned me another 3 days but all time to be served out of school. Oh such angst! What a rebel!



11. Can you sing the fight song?

Yeah it was a rip off of the UM fight song.



12. Who was your favorite teacher?

Mr. Markiewicz, Mr. Borso or Sgt. Canon. All three were great.



13. Favorite class?

Senior year? Independent reading. I think I burned through half the damn library in that class.



14. What was your school's full name?

Winston Churchill High School



15. School mascot?

A charger. For those of you not in the know, apparently it’s a knight on a horse.



16. Did you go to dances?

Senior year, no. well, I did go to military ball. I think.



17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?

Not at all. I couldn’t wait to be out then and I have no reason to want to do that over again.



18. What do you remember most about graduation?

Wanting it to be over so I could get the fuck outta dodge.



19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?

Ha. For Radio and TV we had to shoot all the productions that the school put on (ie. dance recitals, fashion shows, plays etc). for one production in particular, I think it was the capa dance senior thingy. Some guy played Angie for a chick named Angie and she danced around. Anyhow, a bunch of us had gone in on a fifth of the captain. So I’m standing between the classroom and the Master control room which is also sort of backstage. I had my pop (coke) opened and emptied to the desired level and began to pour in the captain. As I’m doing so Boone (the teacher) came thundering down the stairs with his coffee in his hand and a pint of something clear that he was pouring into said coffee. We both froze, both caught. He cleared his throat, nonchalantly said, “Mr. Dorton”. I nodded and responded, “Boone”. And off he walked.



20. Did you have a job your senior year?

Yes, but then my dad fired me.



21. Where did you go most often for lunch?

Burger King at Westland Mall. Which I don’t believe is there any longer.



22. What did you do after graduation?

Moved out to the sticks and started working horses and rodeo.



23. Where are most of your classmates?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t stayed in touch with most of them.



24. Are you going/did you go to your 10-year reunion?

I don’t know. It’ll be this coming year and I really don’t know if I’ll be going.



25. Who was your worst teacher?

Lt. Col. Kuratko. He’s a douche.



26. Who did you date in High School?

You can’t call what I did “dating”. That’s all I’ll say on that topic.



27. Did your life turn out different then you would have expected?

Hrmm… 27, living at home after two failed attempts at college, a real estate career that’s in the shitter, delivering pizzas, unable to commit to anything much less one single job for more than a year. Actually, yeah, a little different than I expected.



 

Blank?

Well, over the past week or so I have had some great ideas for blog posts. These were doosies. I’m talkin’ funny, witty and creative, and those were just the titles. Yet somehow, when I was able to get near a computer I couldn’t seem to remember the slightest detail of what I wanted to post, which is highly upsetting. However, I have formulated a hypothesis about this. A corollary if you will. This theorem states:

“All great ideas founded in one’s own head under great influence of alcohol which are not committed to paper, verbal record, or digital media immediately will be forever lost in the haze of the morning.”

This applies only to great ideas. Shitty ideas and mediocre ideas always seem to stay with you. But the higher functions attained for the great idea, gone for some reason.

You may be wondering what drew me to this conclusion. Yeah, I didn’t think so. But I’ll tell you. Saturday night I was drunkenly making myself laugh with the formulation of a blog post. Then a lot of tequila more and I could barely remember I was house broken. The following Sunday was an all day drinking fest with the lions losing, the tigers losing and the wings winning. And I had some great post about that. However, ten cents per ounce beer specials thwarted me yet again. Damn banditos. Monday night was whiskey and television and I had a great idea about a show or two I wanted to pitch, but the whiskey wouldn’t release me from its grip. Tuesday… oh Tuesday, lot’s of beer at the bar, it was $2.50 23oz domestics. One of my friends was apparently having relations with a waitress, whose boyfriend of 5 years decided to show up and the drama! Oh the drama! But again, forgot it all. Wednesday just wasn’t fair. $3.50 boombas (32 oz) and the tigers were supposed to play game 2. rain delay, but no drunken delay, find out afore mentioned waitress quit due to her and her boy having problems. And again not a word on the blog. Last night was bad. It’s my bowling league night. Which means lots of drinking. We have a game called “one pin”* and things just get ugly. afterwards Joe and I headed out to Walled Lake to see our Smelly Pirate Hooker. She’s a chick who used to bowl on our league but can’t this year due to work. So, we went out to see her. They had a pint special going, and I wasn’t driving so, we had a couple. Came home, and did I, in my partial sobriety, commit word to page? Nope. I tore into my whiskey like it was my job. And that brings me to this morning. Well, now it’s early evening, aren’t I a great procrastinator? So, these are the supporting facts behind Chud’s law of creative influence. You are now informed.



* “one pin” is a drinking game in which you must first establish who in the league is playing. It can be as little as 3 people, or as large as the whole league. Once this is established, everyone purchases their alcohol and proceeds to bowl. Anytime in any frame, on any ball, if you leave one pin, and one pin only, standing you must call out “ONE PIN” for all players to hear. Then, everyone takes a drink. For example, let’s say your first ball in the first frame you knocked down 9 pins, you’d yell “ONE PIN!” and everyone drinks. For you second ball you miss the spare, leaving that same pin up. Again, “ONE PIN!” and drinks are had. If on your first ball you knock down 7, then nothing happens. But if on your second you only get 2 of the remaining 3, then you have left a soldier still standing, and thus “ONE PIN!” When you have 3 -6 teams playing, you can imagine how quickly you can get drunk. Good thing we only play 2 games.


-----------
And now some links.

Ever seen the video of the guy who runs from cops and gets run over by a cop in a truck? he's back. 

Fat guys and verbs don't mix. i should know. which is why i never attempt to make jumps between docks.

What idiot thought, "let's tie a rope to a treadmill and tow it behind the car and video tape someone riding it"? god i hope there are more people like him.

Ever wonder what a flock of seagulls can do to a horserace? neither did I. but, now, I wonder why i haven't.

The inside story of the webs 10 most famous websites.

Whorecraft? WTF? uhh... no thanks. NSFW