you need a fact checker.

I was trying to fall asleep about 15 minutes ago and I had Fox News on in the background. Neil Cavuto was chatting with some Evangelical minister guy who was trying to "take back" the word "evangelical" so it doesn't have the whackadoo connotation it has now. Whatever, have fun, knock yourself out, everyone's got to have something to believe in, good luck to ya. Then it happened. Minister guy, in response to a statement about too many religious people in politics, went on to say that separation of church and state was not in the constitution or in the bill of rights and that it was merely a letter that Jefferson once wrote. Let's take a look at the First Amendment to U.S. Constitution shall we?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Huh... not in the constitution eh? So, because in one letter from Jefferson to Madison he used the phrase "...thus building a wall of separation between Church and State." This somehow invalidates the separation? How about this: Madison was HUGE into keeping the two separate. Hey, guess what Madison was the primary drafter of? THE BILL OF RIGHTS. Let's see what he has to say about the issue shall we? "Strongly guarded . . . is the separation between religion and government in the Constitution of the United States... practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government as essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States" (1811 letter to Baptist Churches). So, because the exact phrase isn't in the constitution this means you can try to permeate the government? I think the founding fathers would wag their finger at you. For shame. For shame!

Ha! I got you good fucker!

The last words I said to my brother as I left were, "Don't lock me out, I don't have any keys". To which the reply was, "I'll be here all night, don't worry". Famous last words. get off work at 2:50am and walk up to the door only to find it locked. No bigs yo, he just forgot and now I’ll knock. Hmm... knocking didn't work, I'll call his cell. No dice there, I'll call the house phone. Odd, he's not answering that either. Walk around the back of the house see if the doorwall is unlocked, maybe he's just fuckin with me. Nope, locked, but hey! What is that I see sleeping on the couch? My passed out drunk brother. So I begin the door banging. And by banging, I mean, BANGING. It sounded like world war 3 with my fists and the metal door. I was pounding on the window above his head, I was pounding on the doorwall, I was pounding on the door for 30 seconds straight that I actually woke a neighbor. So I start calling anyone with a key, and no one answered. Damn them, damn them to hell. So, sitting in the balmy 16*F heat, I decided to start a frantic search for any lost keys that I may or may not have forgot about. In a fit of cold, I kicked our recycling bin (don't knock it, it's fun) which in turn slammed into our bottle return bin which jumped over about a foot, and there, all rusty and gooey from slush and garage bullshit was a set of spare keys I had lost about 3 or so years ago. I was semi relieved, yet, skeptical at the same time since we'd had the house re-keyed in the last 5 years and I'm not sure of the timeline from when the house was re-keyed and when I last used that set. I wiped them off, grabbed a wire brush and scrubbed them off, and stuck it in the lock. The fucker worked. I walked up to El Passo Outo Drunko and smacked him. Nothing, not even a blink. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I felt he needed shamed







This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps!

******UPDATE!!******
4:45am
He just woke up, got some juice, went into the bathroom with big mirrors, and noticed nothing. I love my life.

Note to self:

Don't ever try to explain to two drunk off duty cops the difference between "suspicion" and "probable cause". apparently, they're too retarded and too brainwashed to understand the intricacies of civil liberties. ha! the greatest is when they try to say, "we do this every day... yada yada yada..." and you fire back, "yeah, and how many of those bogus stops actually stick?" oddly shady cops get silent after that. oh, and when they tell you constantly to shut up and let them finish, and you laugh at them and tell them they should have finished 20 sentences ago when they actually had a point, they don't like that either. fuck them. just like unions, being a cop rots your brain. i will not mourn you, dirty cop.

in case you couldn't tell, i am drunk, and Detroit PD can kiss my ass. i'd much rather hang with Detroit FD. those mofo's can drink and never give you shit. plus, if you're on fire, they'll not only put you out, they'll run into a flaming building to put you out. cops? yeah, they'll write you a 5 over ticket when you're late. gee, wonder which i like more.

Oh myspace, you constant source of inspiration.

I know i've done this before, but, this one is just so gay i had to post it. i found this in my bulletins a minute ago. i laughed, so i think i'll break it down so you can see how stupid it is. 

Every girl dreams that one day, she will find a boy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have THE BIGGEST impact in someone's life.

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

ok, this one i'll give you. i've lost more t-shirts to this than anything else. wait, no, fuck that. i miss those t-shirts. get your own goddamn shirt to sleep in.

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT NOTES

why? cuz i'm gay? nothing i do is cute. i'm a dude. if you want cute, date a girl.

KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.

i'll fuck her in front of my friends if she'd let me. how is this one important?

TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.

trust is earned. i've known most of my friends longer than i've known any girl i've dated. guess who gets the better end of the trust deal?

TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.

why would i date an ugly bitch? and on top of that, what if she isn't exactly looking beautiful? if she's sick, and red faced with ratty hair in purple mumu... guess what, i'm not gonna lie.

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.

i will when she stops wearing plunging necklines.

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.

i shave my head, so... mess away creepy hair doll maker.

MESS WITH HER HAIR.

why?

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.

is she a girlfriend or a fucking dog? jesus christ. you want me to wipe your feet off when you come in from the rain too?

F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES!!!!

and not bring it up in every fight from that point thereafter?  that door swings both ways.

L00K AT HER LIKE SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.

this is one is just dumb. and it makes no sense to me.

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.

riiiight. that's a precedent you want set.

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.

hand holding? HAND HOLDING? this is an issue? ooooh, i held her hand. maybe tonight i'll get to first base! fuck that.

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.

what if i don't love her? and for that matter, why should allow her to verbally abuse me? that's bunk.

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS

why? so my arm can fall asleep, sting like a bitch, and then i practically smack myself in the face as i'm trying to get feeling back while reaching for the remote so i can change the channel from whatever shitty chick flick you had me watching in the hopes i may be getting my dick wet later, and now that you're asleep i see that's not gonna happen. so, caddyshack is on, and i'm gonna watch it. bitch.

********GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.**********

yeah, cuz that works.

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.

haha! doody head! fart breath! whatever. unless you're talking about the good teasing. then... ok.

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.

why? so i can be worthless at work? fuck that. i want my nights sleep. THE MEDICINE DOESN'T BUY ITSELF!

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER

 no. women have HORRIBLE taste in movies. since most won't watch my favorite movies with me, why should i suffer? you can watch beaches, or the notebook, or steel magnolias, or fried green tomatoes or the best little whorehouse in texas all by your lonesome.

KISS HER F0REHEAD.

rather kiss her lips. but, whatever.

GIVE HER THE W0RLD.

pretty sure there's hundreds of countries that would stand in my way of creating a global ruler.

WRITE HER LETTERS.

and pay for a stamp? should i write a thank you letter after every time we have sex? would this be acceptable to you? so far this whole list is "me me me me me".

LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES

i make sure not to date girls that my clothes would fit. that = teh unsexy.

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.

not if i've already got plans. sorry you've created some drama, but i'm goin out. peace.

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.

what if she's not? what if she is the low man on all totem poles? ever think of that?

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.

sure. as long as i can do the same.

KISS HER IN THE RAIN.

i'll fuckin kiss her in a blizzard, in a sewer. again, how does this one matter?

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no, i think i'll keep it a secret. maybe leave a couple riddles lying around for her to solve, maybe she'll figure it out in time.

AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.

what if i loved before and sucked at it, and needed to learn lessons from that? should i just throw out those lessons as though i'd never loved before? teenage girls are dumb. and the shit they write is equally so.

whose birthday?

yep... Dana's. Went up to the Bench Pub last night after work, wholly intent on grabbing a couple of amusement free, cheap ass boombas when all of the sudden in walks a drunk off her ass Dana. 



not so sure why that pic decided to be upside down, but fuck it, it illustrates a point dammit. So she bullshits with me about her eve and how some dude named Billy totally fucked up his chances at gettin some pussy by going to sleep early. my guess... he's teh ghey. or, she has a smelly crotch. but i'm thinkin more along teh ghey lines. so we start bullshitting and she regails me with a story of recurring dreams about a castle, then when she mentions the word "witch" she gives a cackle, not unlike the wicked the witch of the west, or east, i'm sure they both cackled. but not the north or south witches, they're the good ones.



so after trying to sort out drunkeneese about the sun burning people and her living under a castle in her dream we focused on the important shit. for example, how drunk can you look?



after handily proving that she can look wicked drunk (sticking your tongue out always helps. it means you're either drunk or dead) she again broke into story.



this time she informed about a bra shopping trip that left her somewhat happier. apparently she went in to the store thinking she wore a 34 C.



after the saleslady told her that she must be joking and that she absolutely must remeasure her, (insert lesbian fantasy here) it came out that Dana had in fact grown a full cup size



yeah, so she grabbed them in honor and that's her saying, "yep, they're d's". hehehehe. So, drunk girl spots her friend J-hill



who happens to be dating my neighbor, she also happens to be drunk grrrls ride, and she (dana) then proceedes to tell J-hill "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" Oddly enough, j-hill knew this already, imagine that? So, drunk girl spots another grrl, J-hen, 



and says the same thing. again, oddly enough, she knew as well. Man, small world. So, she then sees the bar owner



and asks him if he in fact is aware that it is her day of conveyance from the womb. he nods, tacitly expressing his knowledge, and promises her a drink or two on the morrow, when she is not so much drunk grrl. which by the way, is one of the first times i have seen said chick in said state. note to self... bring rufies next time. anyhow, as much as i hate it when she leaves, god i love watching her go.



sure, it's blurry, i was excited. go fuck yourselves.
hehehe, you know, if you put an L on the Dana you get DanaL. if you drop the D you get Anal. ha! you see that! i turned her name into a wonderful (yet sometimes dirty) act! ha! love ya dana. hehehehehe.

These Dreams?

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?
------

and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.


 

This woman named Dana.

So, i was at the bar last night when this enchanting woman named Dana came up to me and decided to chat me up. she's a beautiful girl, with great taste in music who happens to be a model. a model who happens to not mind hangin' with a fat guy and making him feel special every now and then. ahhh, that girl. she's something special that one. she's got the greatest skin tone, it's a light caramel that just makes you want to see if she tastes like White Russian or like that damn delicious scent she wears that makes you want to believe that dreams really do come true. ahh Dana... the girl of every guys dreams.

-----
and now, some links.

ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse? ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse not attached to chuck norris of jean claude van damme? now you have.

apparently college humor can mapquest your way to the clitoris. the female orgasm is a myth and that's that what i'm sticking with.

best christmas present evar.

if you need clarification on the above, whatch this video. if the link goes dead, let me know. NBC has been on a crusade.

there ya go dana, i blogged about you. love ya darlin.

For Chaz

So, last night I was at the Red Wing’s game having fun, drinkin, and being loud. You know, the usual. Middle of the second period all of the sudden I feel this weight on my knee. I look down and what to my wondering eyes should I see? This guy:



So after jostling him a few times and asking him for his beer and his wallet we were sure he was indeed passed out. When I received no reply to either query we knew it was time to start to fucking with him. So, I had the guy in front of him take a snap shot of me with “passed out drunk guy”



The little credit card pagoda right outside our section gives away something every game for filling out applications. This night it was Red Wing’s blankets. He happened to have one with him so we covered him up. By this point people all around started taking notice. Cameras were coming out left and right. When the period ended this dude with his kid decided it was photo op time. The old man had his kid sit in the seat with his arm around passed out drunk guy and pops took a quick snap shot. I wish I had a pic of that, but alas I do not. However, this girl did come over from a full section over to poke and prod passed out drunk guy. I went outside to have a smoke at this point, but apparently poke and prod chick came back, this time with lipstick.





So, I was outside smoking and showing off my pictures of passed out drunk guy and telling everyone which section he was in so that they too can have a photo op with him. However, much to my chagrin when I got back… he was gone. Apparently medics came up and took him away.





It was reported to me that passed out drunk guy’s real name was Chaz. At least, that’s what he told the medics. However, this trooper while being escorted down the steps had one parting statement, “hey, where’s my beer?”. So last night, we drank for Chaz.



 

scenes from a livonia bar.

brother: ever seen "you, me and dupree?"
me: nope. but i wanted to. 
brother: good cuz i have it in my car. 
me: i have it in my nuts!
brother: you have dupree in your nuts?
me: no, i have jennifer aniston in my nuts. 
brother: fag, that was "the break up" you mean kate hudson.
me: yeah. well, bonus. cuz i can spank it to her, and her mom, whom at one point was a handsome woman.
--------

me: holy shit is that k-fed?
table of people: holy shit i think it is.
me: he seems shorter. and gayer.
them: you should ask him.
me: nah, i'ma call the bar and ask if they know k-fed slid behind the bar.
nelly: wouldn't it be fed-x?
me: teehee... I GET IT, EX K-FED... FED-X!!!!
nelly: shut up and call.
(ring ring)jules: bench pub?
me: do you know you have k-fed behind the bar?
jules: yeah, please come kick his ass.
me: sorry, if i kick a gay man's ass that's a hate crime.
---------

me: i'm grabbing your ass.
her: what?
me: i'm grabbing your ass. right now. my hand is on your ass.
her: what?
me: you're dumb.
her what?
me: dumb, you are. zero intellect. no sense. mildly retarded.
her: what? yeah.
me: i want to sex you in the forehead.
her: i like a challenge!
--------

me: hey, you own a muffler shop, how much to bend up some pipe?
them: to go where?
me: test pipe. to replace the CAT.
them: one million dollars, that's the fine.
me: i'm not asking you to install it. just to bend it.
them: we can install a cat for $250
me: fuck that. i don't need anything installed. just some pipe bent.
them: well, with the way the Y comes in, we need a special CAT. so $35o.
me: are you retarded? it's a simple single CAT. nothing more.
them: no. no no. the Y goes in...
me: shut up. you're dumb. i don't want your services. a straight 6 '91 f-150 does none of what you say.
them: here's our card and a couple extras. give them to your friends. the prices we told you are only good for tomorrow and thursday. anytime after that and we can't promise you those prices.
me: i will not be coming to you, as you are both idiots and i wouldn't trust you with my truck if you payed me to.
them: remember, tomorrow and thursday only.
-----

ahh the bar. i love it so.

"The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times"

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.

-The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
-----
so, today is the 31st anniversary of the wreck of the edmund fitz... here are some conversations from this eve:

me (about cruises): don't order the beer, they'll ass rape you.
some chick: what do you mean ass rape?
me: you know, like in prison have someone force themselves upon your anus.
some chick: if you order a beer?
me: oh. no, i meant price wise on the cruise. similar to ass rape.
zach's wife: you know sodomy. 
me: well, forced sodomy.
zach's wife: well, you order a beer, and you get GHB and a foreigner fucking you in the ass.
---

colin: so, how'd the election turn out for you?
me: fuck the Dem's. they want that slut back in power, they get what they deserve in the next 4 years.
colin: so, you're not gonna change states?
me: what? and be like the whiney Dem's after '04 when Bush won? I'm going to canada!  fuck that. and fuck Canada. Fucking socialists.
----

me: Dude i wanna play wreck of the edmund fitsz again.
dude: man, once is enough.
me: but dude, i want these people to suffer!
dude: i thought you were playing it so they would understand and feel and shit.
me: fuck that! i want them to suffer through a 15 minute folk song about a ship that sank in 4 minutes.
dude: dick.
----
curt(on the phone and drunk as shit): WHERE YOU AT FUCKER!!!!!????
me: about to walk home.
curt: FROM THE BENCH!!!!????
me: nope. from your mom's vagina.
curt: OH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU'RE WALKING HOME FROM SOUTH LYON!!!!!!!!
me: nope. but your mom's vagina is so big, by the time i walk out and trip over the labia minora i'm home!
[click]
me: hello?
----
curt (calling back): hello.
me: did you hang up on me cuz i was talking about your mom's vagina?
curt: are you done?
me: no! in fact...
[click]
----

ahh thursdays, always a good day.