So, I was just watching some porn. As many of you know my favorite porn is lesbian porn. Why? Cuz dudes just fuck it up. They say something stupid like, "Yeah, who's my little cumslut?!" and "yeah! take it all!" Which is fine and well if the girl is a $5 hooker from the Brewster Projects. But with lezzie porn you get chicks actually getting off, with no dude balls getting in the way of my hard on and in general doing some freaky ass shit to each other.
It's kind of funny cuz there's generally no power struggle, just: you do me, then I'll do her, while she's doing you. However, the altruistic nature of Lesbian porn is not what made me get on here and make this post. Something I saw made me go, "hmm?"
Picture this: Chasey Lain and two other colleagues are in a bath tub. One girl is in the middle going down on the other girl while Chasey sits on the edge of the tub and masturbates. Quick jump edit and girl 1 is on her back and girl 2 has a strap on, ALRIGHT! Then, this is where things get a little pear shaped, she goes ANAL with the strap on. really? REALLY?
What's the point of anal in a lezzie production? It serves no purpose. I mean, anal is generally for the guy. I know, some chicks dig anal. I've dated a couple that do. But I honestly couldn't picture them being with a chick and asking her to go anal with a strap on. It seems counter productive, and really, a lame attempt at trying to grab the anal lovers who just might be watching the lez pron.
Now, I've seen butt plugs and all that shit used, but as the primary source of pleasure, I've never seen strap on anal. No, one exception; I was watching some lezzie Fem Dom porn and she went strap on anal. But, she was dominating her and the girl was tied up with a ball gag in her mouth, she then took out the gag and went ATM on the young submissive. That's the shit you expect from BDSM pron. In this instance it was uncalled for and wholly unappreciated.
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For those of you not in the know, you need to watch the trailer for "black dynomite"
There are two more on this page. the first one is awesome, the second one is lame
04 December 2008
09 November 2008
Scooter
Scooter and I don't see eye to eye a lot. This is one of those times. I asked him what exactly it is that W screwed up. Since most people are just content to blame everything from Katrina to the economy on him, I wanted specifics. Here is his original comment for those too lazy to click on the post below to read the comment.
"Well, his partial privatization of social security scheme went over like a dead skunk on a Thanksgiving platter.
His deregulation of wall street, enacted by congress, has come to bite us on the ass.
Iraq's strategy was a piece of shit until after the 2006 elections, when he started listening to what people like John McCain were saying.
It doesn't help that he's socially awkward and says things that are inappropriate. I think he is mildly autistic. Kim doesn't want to give him that much credit.
The partial privatization was a great idea. I think total privatization is needed and the gub needs to keep their hands off. Anyway.
The deregulation of Wall Street is biting us in the ass how? Last I checked it was the financial sector that was failing. And in the entirety of his tenure he never once deregulated the financial sector. In fact with the addition of Sarbanes-Oxley he actually put in place financial and Wall Street regulations to help protect investors from accounting scandals. On top of that the current housing/lending/financial crisis dates back to carter, then picked up again by Clinton. Allow me to explain:
The community reinvestment act of 1977 told the banks that received FDIC money they had to lend to low and moderate-income borrowers. People deemed too high risk for the taste of the banks. It went largely unnoticed throughout the 80s and then in 1993 Billy Boy wanted to ease up the paperwork, deregulate the industry, and "improve" the CRA, Thus creating the Subprime market. When the bill was enacted there were many critics. Basically it eased up the lending restrictions and told lenders that they HAD to lend to people who most likely can't pay back their loans.
Look at the time after 1995. Lenders started lending 100% uncapitalized loans. When you don't need to come in with any money down, how can you be expected to do everything in your power to repay your loan? You stand to lose nothing. It’s like walking away from an apartment. Aside from that, what the act truly did was falsely inflated the market. When you have a 2.5 million homes for sale and 1.9 million buyers you can count on housing values to continue to increase at a standard trend as it has done for decades. Now, along comes the CRA and now your purchaser pool has just tripled. Now you have 2.5 million homes for sale and 5.7 million buyers. So, housing prices artificially inflate due to a glut in buyers, and a willingness to pay more than the house is worth. In real estate they teach you that a house is worth what the market will bear. When you suddenly drive up housing prices by creating the glut of buyers you create an unstable situation that cannot be sustained. People bought houses over and above what they should have. Builders were scrambling to build new neighborhoods at a rate that was staggering to behold, and builders just kept popping up. New home sales at one point actually passed existing home sales in this area, times were going so good. Then, reality had to set in.
See, the way lending works, is that a lender loans the money. In an amazing act of benevolence Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac like to buy up those loans from the banks. Aren’t they nice little semi private institutions? THEN, in another even more amazing act of benevolence in 1997, $384.6 million of CRA Loans were offered up as securities. Those very securities were guaranteed by Freddie Mac and had an implied "AAA" rating. The public offering was several times oversubscribed, by money managers and insurance companies (read: AIG).
So, with artificially inflated housing prices, deregulated lending practices and constant republican harping to rein in Fanny/Freddie, and lenders screaming that people were defaulting on loans the gubmint told them they had to make, and fanny/Freddie realizing that the loans they bought and secured were all bunk due to the high rate of default we end up where we are. A busted housing bubble, people "upside down" in their mortgages and a record number of vacancies and foreclosures. Why did we have to bail out Fannie/Freddie? Cuz the Dems needed to cover their asses. Why did we bail out AIG? That one, I still don't agree with but since they owned a significant amount of CRA securities guaranteed by Fanny/Freddie I guess the Dems felt they owed it to them. BTW, Fanny/Freddie both created by Dems.
On March 8th 1995, before the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit Committee on Banking and Financial Services United States Senate, William A. Niskanen chairman of the CATO institute had some choice words to say,
Boy, did the press lambast him. Turns out, the man was right.
As far as Iraq the strategy worked. We unseated the government and beat the army. Unfortunately the Geneva Conventions stop us from being able to break the will of the people and then build them back up. Instead we have to take a kid gloves approach and have congress second-guess every move and the media and populace give their insight. As though they're qualified. If you've got a better strategy then I suggest you go to the next meeting of the JCS.
As for awkwardness, meh. Unimportant. It gave some comedians a good 8 years of material. And THAT is good for the economy.
On January 20th 1981 a very wise man had this to say,
We've come a long way haven't we...
"Well, his partial privatization of social security scheme went over like a dead skunk on a Thanksgiving platter.
His deregulation of wall street, enacted by congress, has come to bite us on the ass.
Iraq's strategy was a piece of shit until after the 2006 elections, when he started listening to what people like John McCain were saying.
It doesn't help that he's socially awkward and says things that are inappropriate. I think he is mildly autistic. Kim doesn't want to give him that much credit.
The partial privatization was a great idea. I think total privatization is needed and the gub needs to keep their hands off. Anyway.
The deregulation of Wall Street is biting us in the ass how? Last I checked it was the financial sector that was failing. And in the entirety of his tenure he never once deregulated the financial sector. In fact with the addition of Sarbanes-Oxley he actually put in place financial and Wall Street regulations to help protect investors from accounting scandals. On top of that the current housing/lending/financial crisis dates back to carter, then picked up again by Clinton. Allow me to explain:
The community reinvestment act of 1977 told the banks that received FDIC money they had to lend to low and moderate-income borrowers. People deemed too high risk for the taste of the banks. It went largely unnoticed throughout the 80s and then in 1993 Billy Boy wanted to ease up the paperwork, deregulate the industry, and "improve" the CRA, Thus creating the Subprime market. When the bill was enacted there were many critics. Basically it eased up the lending restrictions and told lenders that they HAD to lend to people who most likely can't pay back their loans.
Look at the time after 1995. Lenders started lending 100% uncapitalized loans. When you don't need to come in with any money down, how can you be expected to do everything in your power to repay your loan? You stand to lose nothing. It’s like walking away from an apartment. Aside from that, what the act truly did was falsely inflated the market. When you have a 2.5 million homes for sale and 1.9 million buyers you can count on housing values to continue to increase at a standard trend as it has done for decades. Now, along comes the CRA and now your purchaser pool has just tripled. Now you have 2.5 million homes for sale and 5.7 million buyers. So, housing prices artificially inflate due to a glut in buyers, and a willingness to pay more than the house is worth. In real estate they teach you that a house is worth what the market will bear. When you suddenly drive up housing prices by creating the glut of buyers you create an unstable situation that cannot be sustained. People bought houses over and above what they should have. Builders were scrambling to build new neighborhoods at a rate that was staggering to behold, and builders just kept popping up. New home sales at one point actually passed existing home sales in this area, times were going so good. Then, reality had to set in.
See, the way lending works, is that a lender loans the money. In an amazing act of benevolence Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac like to buy up those loans from the banks. Aren’t they nice little semi private institutions? THEN, in another even more amazing act of benevolence in 1997, $384.6 million of CRA Loans were offered up as securities. Those very securities were guaranteed by Freddie Mac and had an implied "AAA" rating. The public offering was several times oversubscribed, by money managers and insurance companies (read: AIG).
So, with artificially inflated housing prices, deregulated lending practices and constant republican harping to rein in Fanny/Freddie, and lenders screaming that people were defaulting on loans the gubmint told them they had to make, and fanny/Freddie realizing that the loans they bought and secured were all bunk due to the high rate of default we end up where we are. A busted housing bubble, people "upside down" in their mortgages and a record number of vacancies and foreclosures. Why did we have to bail out Fannie/Freddie? Cuz the Dems needed to cover their asses. Why did we bail out AIG? That one, I still don't agree with but since they owned a significant amount of CRA securities guaranteed by Fanny/Freddie I guess the Dems felt they owed it to them. BTW, Fanny/Freddie both created by Dems.
On March 8th 1995, before the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit Committee on Banking and Financial Services United States Senate, William A. Niskanen chairman of the CATO institute had some choice words to say,
The Community Reinvestment Act should be repealed--not reformed or restricted but repealed! For no conceivable set of regulations on a bank is consistent with the objective of the Act to meet "the credit needs of its entire community, including low- and moderate-income neighborhoods, consistent with safe and sound operation of such institution."
... The proposed new regulations would be very costly to the economy, to the banking system, and to the communities they serve... The primary long term effect of such measures would be to further contract the banking system,(emphasis mine) increasing the number of neighborhoods dependent on check cashing outlets and pawnshops.
The Community Reinvestment Act was the wrong solution to a genuine problem, for the most part created by other government regulations. Until recently, federal restrictions on interstate banking and state restrictions on intrastate branching severely restricted bank competition in local markets and the potential for geographic diversity of loan portfolios. These restrictions have been substantially reduced, promising a more competitive banking system that is more responsive to the interests of both depositors and borrowers and less vulnerable to adverse economic conditions in specific regions. Another effect of considerable importance: competition among banks is also the best discipline on discrimination among loan applicants on any basis other than credit risk.
Don't try to fix the Community Reinvestment Act. It can't be done. Repeal it.
Boy, did the press lambast him. Turns out, the man was right.
As far as Iraq the strategy worked. We unseated the government and beat the army. Unfortunately the Geneva Conventions stop us from being able to break the will of the people and then build them back up. Instead we have to take a kid gloves approach and have congress second-guess every move and the media and populace give their insight. As though they're qualified. If you've got a better strategy then I suggest you go to the next meeting of the JCS.
As for awkwardness, meh. Unimportant. It gave some comedians a good 8 years of material. And THAT is good for the economy.
On January 20th 1981 a very wise man had this to say,
In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we've been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price.
We've come a long way haven't we...
05 November 2008
Stupid is as stupid does.
Reap what you sow people.
reap it.
i am dissappointed in my fellow Americans right now.
BTW, i hope you're all good with paying for me, since i don't pay income taxes. i appreciate your hard earned money.
kthxbai.
reap it.
i am dissappointed in my fellow Americans right now.
BTW, i hope you're all good with paying for me, since i don't pay income taxes. i appreciate your hard earned money.
kthxbai.
19 August 2008
Olympic Fever
this is a shortie. but, we all know olympic boxing scoring has been fucked since 1988. the new gymnastics scoring is bullshit. seriously, a flawless, clearly more difficult routine has to share the lead with a 12 yr old who can't stick a landing? and then be relegated to silver due to judge scoring. Nastia never scored below 8.9 on execution but the chinese girl did. yet she gets gold? fuck that. also, when did softball and baseball at the olympic level become little league with all the mercy rules? that's bullshit. if guam can beat up on the congo in a 100-1 route, then i say let them. i bet the next time congo either fields a team with competent people or they don't enter at all.
but now we must move to my most hated change... volleyball. you no longer have to win the serve to make a point, no, you just have to do anything that would be considered a point and guess what, you get a point. fucking horseshit. i miss volleyball (especially beach, and not for the reasons you think, but the fact that i find two people making it more competitive than 5-6 people can.) matches that went on for quite some time. gabby reese got me into beach v-ball waaaay back when. i have been an avid follower since. seriously, croc's pro tour, i'm watchin it. worlds... yep. all that shit, i love to watch this shit. it's the only women's sport i find more entertaining than men's.
if you can't tell this post is a drunken post. any spelling grammar corrections should be sent to anybody you see in the comment section that isn't me.
----------
and now a few links (all pop):
seriously, her ac/dc is not amazing. but it could be.
make your own warning labels? ok.
uhh... physics kid.
seriously, if you don't wast hours reading this, then i have no idea why you're reading me.
but now we must move to my most hated change... volleyball. you no longer have to win the serve to make a point, no, you just have to do anything that would be considered a point and guess what, you get a point. fucking horseshit. i miss volleyball (especially beach, and not for the reasons you think, but the fact that i find two people making it more competitive than 5-6 people can.) matches that went on for quite some time. gabby reese got me into beach v-ball waaaay back when. i have been an avid follower since. seriously, croc's pro tour, i'm watchin it. worlds... yep. all that shit, i love to watch this shit. it's the only women's sport i find more entertaining than men's.
if you can't tell this post is a drunken post. any spelling grammar corrections should be sent to anybody you see in the comment section that isn't me.
----------
and now a few links (all pop):
seriously, her ac/dc is not amazing. but it could be.
make your own warning labels? ok.
uhh... physics kid.
seriously, if you don't wast hours reading this, then i have no idea why you're reading me.
17 July 2008
Gimp?
Ahh back from the land of socialism again. So I just got back from spending eight days in Canadialand. I do look forward to this vacation every year. I mean it’s the perfect vacation in that all we do is sit around the lake (Huron) and drink beers, play cards (pinochle, euchre and poker), golf everyday, and just plain relax. Seriously, it is the quintessential vacation. No running to meet deadlines, no rush to get here, or rush to see this or that, nothing. Breakfast at 8am lunch at 1230 and dinner at 6pm. Campfires at night where we let the little kids roast s’mores and we talk about shit that you shouldn’t talk about in front of kids.
The best campfire “game” we played was a wonderful tactical decision making game called “fuck, suck or kill”. In this game people are presented with 3 names of famous people, and they must decide which person they will fuck, which person they will go down on and which person they will kill. The trick is, when playing with gentlemen you must name two dudes and chick (that’s two guys and a girl). For example, I would look at Zen Wizard, Dr. Ken, Joe C, Rev, Scooter, and SO@24 and say: Marlon Brando circa 1997, Louie Anderson circa 1997 and Ruth Bader Ginsburg now. They would have to choose who to fuck, who to kill and who to go down own. I have to say in the entire week of playing the game I killed the woman off twice. Once was Oprah, the other was Kathy Bates. Seriously, I was justified.
So unlike last year there was no sexing. Not a bit. I didn’t even get a chance to attempt a “cable guy”. Not that I was involved in the sexing of years past, it would still have been nice to see the tradition live on. There was almost some sexing from the Goalie, however, it didn’t pan out.
On the morning of Cousin’s birthday we had the annual “Staff vs. Guests” softball game, which we all take a little too seriously. After spending a couple innings covering basically the entire outfield I decided to move to the infield as our 3rd baseman was useless. So after laying out for a ball the pitcher should have fielded and trying to get up to hustle back to 3rd I thought it would be a grand idea to blow out my knee. So, I did. And now I’m walking with a cane. Yay me! So that sucked.
However one really good thing did come out of this vacation, and that is an introduction to the game of “waffle”. Waffle is a magical and mysterious game of unknown origins. It was learned by a pair of girls in St. Louis by mysterious strangers and they in turn taught Cousin and Goalie down in Florida who in turn spread it to the campus of Ferris State and then to the Eastern Banks of Lake Huron in Canadialand. No on is quite sure of the reason for the name. Some have hypothesized that it was named as such do the fact that French Toast was taken. Others still have surmised that the name was derived from a drunken New Englander trying to saw “awful” and a drunken Midwesterner hearing “waffle”. And yet others contend the name is simply meant to be as fun as the game. Really, who doesn’t smile when they think of waffles? So, I ask you readers, are you ready to learn the rules of the next big thing? Are you?! Well, then read on:
What you need:
Four people
2 hockey sticks. Cut the blades off and cut a point into the stub you just cut. This makes for hammering them into the ground a little easier. Also, you’ll want to take some hockey tape, or duct tape and add a decent sized nub to the top. Basically, just keep taping around the shaft at the top so you can have a ring the size of a silver dollar.
A good supply of party cups. 16 oz. Not clear.
A Frisbee
A bucket of water
A good supply of beers/mixed drinks.
Setup:
Take the hockey sticks and place them about 10 paces apart. Hammer them into the ground using a rock, or whatever you have handy. Fill two party cups to the first substantial line with water. You will use the bucket of water for this. Not the little baby line ¼ inch from the bottom. The beer pong line. And balance the cups on the ends of the hockey sticks.
Game play:
The game is played to 21. First to 21 wins. Not by two. Straight up.
You must always have a drink in your hand. At all times. Always. Period. This game is played one handed.
Divide into teams of two and choose a side. You and your partner play from the same side. Flip a coin to see which team goes first. If you don’t have a coin, flip the Frisbee.
Starting from behind your stick one person throws the Frisbee at the other team’s stick/cup in an attempt to knock the cup over.
Standing behind their stick the opposing team attempts to catch the Frisbee and the cup if it is knocked over.
After the Frisbee is caught or missed the opposing team then throws at the other teams stick/cup.
Scoring/drinking:
You must catch the Frisbee when thrown. If you do not, the other team is awarded one point. If the Frisbee is deemed uncatchable no points will be awarded. When you drop/miss a Frisbee your team drinks. You just gave the other team points. How does that feel?
When the Frisbee hits the stick you must catch the rebound or else the other team gets the point. Also, you may want to focus on catching the cup too, cuz if that hits the ground that’s 2 points to the other team. That would be a 3 point play. Oh, and you drink.
Should a Frisbee strike the cup directly (not hitting the stick) and you do not catch the cup, that is 4 points for the cup. And a drink. If you miss the Frisbee too, that is another point and a drink. For a total of a 5 point play.
The Frisbee is deemed live until it comes to rest, you may not catch it in front of your stick. If it rolls on the ground up to your stick, strikes the stick and knocks the cup off and you don’t catch the cup, that is only 2 points because the Frisbee was uncatchable. But you still drink
So a good cheat sheet is this:
Frisbee miss = 1 point
Cup miss = 2 points
Direct hit on cup and dropped = 4 points.
A dropped/missed Frisbee is always added on to the cup totals.
Last rule, when passing the Frisbee between partners you are not allowed to hand the Frisbee off. You must toss it, or drop it into their hands but the two of you are not allowed to touch it at the same time. If you drop it, you drink. Sometimes in runaway games we would drop it intentionally just to wet our whistles.
For those of you confused here are some pictures:
click all pictures pop to larger clearer photos.
here is the main setup for Waffle.
here's me making a nonchalant grab of the cup while the goalie lets the frisbee fly past.
here's the cousin trying to make a save at the cup (he fails) and brother doing god only knows what.
here's cousin making a sick ass save of the cup. and brother letting the frisbee drop
here's cousin digging hard trying not to let that point score
here's cousin failing.
as much as I am hacking on him right now, Cousin is by far the most superior waffle defender I've ever witnessed. Just sayin'.
The best campfire “game” we played was a wonderful tactical decision making game called “fuck, suck or kill”. In this game people are presented with 3 names of famous people, and they must decide which person they will fuck, which person they will go down on and which person they will kill. The trick is, when playing with gentlemen you must name two dudes and chick (that’s two guys and a girl). For example, I would look at Zen Wizard, Dr. Ken, Joe C, Rev, Scooter, and SO@24 and say: Marlon Brando circa 1997, Louie Anderson circa 1997 and Ruth Bader Ginsburg now. They would have to choose who to fuck, who to kill and who to go down own. I have to say in the entire week of playing the game I killed the woman off twice. Once was Oprah, the other was Kathy Bates. Seriously, I was justified.
So unlike last year there was no sexing. Not a bit. I didn’t even get a chance to attempt a “cable guy”. Not that I was involved in the sexing of years past, it would still have been nice to see the tradition live on. There was almost some sexing from the Goalie, however, it didn’t pan out.
On the morning of Cousin’s birthday we had the annual “Staff vs. Guests” softball game, which we all take a little too seriously. After spending a couple innings covering basically the entire outfield I decided to move to the infield as our 3rd baseman was useless. So after laying out for a ball the pitcher should have fielded and trying to get up to hustle back to 3rd I thought it would be a grand idea to blow out my knee. So, I did. And now I’m walking with a cane. Yay me! So that sucked.
However one really good thing did come out of this vacation, and that is an introduction to the game of “waffle”. Waffle is a magical and mysterious game of unknown origins. It was learned by a pair of girls in St. Louis by mysterious strangers and they in turn taught Cousin and Goalie down in Florida who in turn spread it to the campus of Ferris State and then to the Eastern Banks of Lake Huron in Canadialand. No on is quite sure of the reason for the name. Some have hypothesized that it was named as such do the fact that French Toast was taken. Others still have surmised that the name was derived from a drunken New Englander trying to saw “awful” and a drunken Midwesterner hearing “waffle”. And yet others contend the name is simply meant to be as fun as the game. Really, who doesn’t smile when they think of waffles? So, I ask you readers, are you ready to learn the rules of the next big thing? Are you?! Well, then read on:
What you need:
Four people
2 hockey sticks. Cut the blades off and cut a point into the stub you just cut. This makes for hammering them into the ground a little easier. Also, you’ll want to take some hockey tape, or duct tape and add a decent sized nub to the top. Basically, just keep taping around the shaft at the top so you can have a ring the size of a silver dollar.
A good supply of party cups. 16 oz. Not clear.
A Frisbee
A bucket of water
A good supply of beers/mixed drinks.
Setup:
Take the hockey sticks and place them about 10 paces apart. Hammer them into the ground using a rock, or whatever you have handy. Fill two party cups to the first substantial line with water. You will use the bucket of water for this. Not the little baby line ¼ inch from the bottom. The beer pong line. And balance the cups on the ends of the hockey sticks.
Game play:
The game is played to 21. First to 21 wins. Not by two. Straight up.
You must always have a drink in your hand. At all times. Always. Period. This game is played one handed.
Divide into teams of two and choose a side. You and your partner play from the same side. Flip a coin to see which team goes first. If you don’t have a coin, flip the Frisbee.
Starting from behind your stick one person throws the Frisbee at the other team’s stick/cup in an attempt to knock the cup over.
Standing behind their stick the opposing team attempts to catch the Frisbee and the cup if it is knocked over.
After the Frisbee is caught or missed the opposing team then throws at the other teams stick/cup.
Scoring/drinking:
You must catch the Frisbee when thrown. If you do not, the other team is awarded one point. If the Frisbee is deemed uncatchable no points will be awarded. When you drop/miss a Frisbee your team drinks. You just gave the other team points. How does that feel?
When the Frisbee hits the stick you must catch the rebound or else the other team gets the point. Also, you may want to focus on catching the cup too, cuz if that hits the ground that’s 2 points to the other team. That would be a 3 point play. Oh, and you drink.
Should a Frisbee strike the cup directly (not hitting the stick) and you do not catch the cup, that is 4 points for the cup. And a drink. If you miss the Frisbee too, that is another point and a drink. For a total of a 5 point play.
The Frisbee is deemed live until it comes to rest, you may not catch it in front of your stick. If it rolls on the ground up to your stick, strikes the stick and knocks the cup off and you don’t catch the cup, that is only 2 points because the Frisbee was uncatchable. But you still drink
So a good cheat sheet is this:
Frisbee miss = 1 point
Cup miss = 2 points
Direct hit on cup and dropped = 4 points.
A dropped/missed Frisbee is always added on to the cup totals.
Last rule, when passing the Frisbee between partners you are not allowed to hand the Frisbee off. You must toss it, or drop it into their hands but the two of you are not allowed to touch it at the same time. If you drop it, you drink. Sometimes in runaway games we would drop it intentionally just to wet our whistles.
For those of you confused here are some pictures:
click all pictures pop to larger clearer photos.
here is the main setup for Waffle.
here's me making a nonchalant grab of the cup while the goalie lets the frisbee fly past.
here's the cousin trying to make a save at the cup (he fails) and brother doing god only knows what.
here's cousin making a sick ass save of the cup. and brother letting the frisbee drop
here's cousin digging hard trying not to let that point score
here's cousin failing.
as much as I am hacking on him right now, Cousin is by far the most superior waffle defender I've ever witnessed. Just sayin'.
21 June 2008
You too Can be a Jukebox Terrorist
So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:
Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20
Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05
Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37
I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58
Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54
The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33
Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07
November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54
Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45
Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32
American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30
Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37
Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08
Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05
Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32
Honorable mention:
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.
The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.
Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.
Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.
Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/
*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.
Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20
Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05
Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37
I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58
Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54
The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33
Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07
November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54
Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45
Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32
American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30
Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37
Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08
Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05
Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32
Honorable mention:
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.
The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.
Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.
Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.
Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/
*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.
10 June 2008
Cruise Recap
So we’ve been back from the cruise for a couple of weeks now and I figure you all want to know about the fun that was had whilst you all were toiling away at your daily grind. First of all we knew the trip was going to be going to be good when, at 5:30am after checking in and noticing that were leaving out of gate C-5, my cousin looks at me and says, “man, too bad we’re not leaving out C-4, cuz we are DYNOMITE!”. To which I had to hang my head and laugh at his corny ass joke, when, not a minute later as we were going through the security pre-screen I point out that we are not allowed to bring guns on the plane, Cwik stops and looks at us and oh so flatly says (while flexing),”But I can’t remove these guns.” Yeah, it was gonna be a good trip.
On the plane I’m pretty sure the old couple in front of us shat their pants twice. Seriously, farts do not linger that long. So, I tried sleeping on the flight which I just couldn’t do for some reason. It was Monday morning and I hadn’t been asleep since sometime Sunday morning. I caught about a 15 minute nap in the van to the port, but really, I was spent.
So in the process of checking in to the ship things started to really look up when four women started chatting us up, this was perfect, since you know, there was four of us and four of them. Anyhow, they became “Team Oklahoma” since, they were all from OK. Later on we’d find out that two were married and the other two were not in fact sluts. Dammit. So we got on the boat, and into the room and I straight fucking passed out till the boat drill.
The first night in the club Cousin and Brother tried wheeling a couple of chicks from Texas that straight shut ‘em down. Well, really they said, “maybe in a couple nights”. But that never happened. HOWEVER, a chick that I started working on, that I put in the time on, was in fact scooped by cousin and successfully closed the next night. She was Russian and hot, and my own cousin cock blocked me. MY OWN COUSIN. However, I tried my damndest the first night to cock block him back. I was mostly successful, but not successful enough. Meh, he earned it. Now he owes me one.
Other than that it was a really relaxing trip. We played some knock down drag out bingo, and I kicked some ass in lame trivia and won a plastic trophy. It actually came down to a tie breaker question, “What is the currency of South Africa?” I was blurting out “Rand!” before she even had time to look at me. WINNER! I was basically going around and trying to get all the free shit I could. I completely failed on getting my free art. I wanted to go get more trophies that I forgot about the free art and never tried to get it after that. Lame.
Anyhow, Cousin got laid, we all had fun, and then we missed our flight on Saturday. Why? Well, they had 8 customs agents trying to process the entire fucking ship. 8. 2000 people, eight agents. We were in line at 8:30am and didn’t clear customs till 11am. We managed to get to the airport by 11:30 for a 12:05 flight. Spirit would not let us check in. There was a big hullabaloo and we were pissed, they were completely unhelpful and we ended up waiting for 2 hours to talk to a supervisor who pretty much did nothing to help us. So we had to get new tickets and I had to cancel travel plans to Chicago due to missing a connecting flight, which meant I was out even more money since I had prepaid for the hotel. The upside? The 8:15 flight we got transferred to was delayed till 10:00 so we got to watch the first two periods of the Wings game in the airport bar. Yay! And apparently Corey Haim was heading to Lima, Peru. I was sleeping through that part, but I do have two product endorsements: those neck pillows, and the Bose Quiet Comort 2 head phones. Seriously, awesome.
Anyhow, since this post was pretty boring, I’ll leave you with a comic:
until i get a chance to edit that, here's the link: http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/drunkenchud/41563.png
On the plane I’m pretty sure the old couple in front of us shat their pants twice. Seriously, farts do not linger that long. So, I tried sleeping on the flight which I just couldn’t do for some reason. It was Monday morning and I hadn’t been asleep since sometime Sunday morning. I caught about a 15 minute nap in the van to the port, but really, I was spent.
So in the process of checking in to the ship things started to really look up when four women started chatting us up, this was perfect, since you know, there was four of us and four of them. Anyhow, they became “Team Oklahoma” since, they were all from OK. Later on we’d find out that two were married and the other two were not in fact sluts. Dammit. So we got on the boat, and into the room and I straight fucking passed out till the boat drill.
The first night in the club Cousin and Brother tried wheeling a couple of chicks from Texas that straight shut ‘em down. Well, really they said, “maybe in a couple nights”. But that never happened. HOWEVER, a chick that I started working on, that I put in the time on, was in fact scooped by cousin and successfully closed the next night. She was Russian and hot, and my own cousin cock blocked me. MY OWN COUSIN. However, I tried my damndest the first night to cock block him back. I was mostly successful, but not successful enough. Meh, he earned it. Now he owes me one.
Other than that it was a really relaxing trip. We played some knock down drag out bingo, and I kicked some ass in lame trivia and won a plastic trophy. It actually came down to a tie breaker question, “What is the currency of South Africa?” I was blurting out “Rand!” before she even had time to look at me. WINNER! I was basically going around and trying to get all the free shit I could. I completely failed on getting my free art. I wanted to go get more trophies that I forgot about the free art and never tried to get it after that. Lame.
Anyhow, Cousin got laid, we all had fun, and then we missed our flight on Saturday. Why? Well, they had 8 customs agents trying to process the entire fucking ship. 8. 2000 people, eight agents. We were in line at 8:30am and didn’t clear customs till 11am. We managed to get to the airport by 11:30 for a 12:05 flight. Spirit would not let us check in. There was a big hullabaloo and we were pissed, they were completely unhelpful and we ended up waiting for 2 hours to talk to a supervisor who pretty much did nothing to help us. So we had to get new tickets and I had to cancel travel plans to Chicago due to missing a connecting flight, which meant I was out even more money since I had prepaid for the hotel. The upside? The 8:15 flight we got transferred to was delayed till 10:00 so we got to watch the first two periods of the Wings game in the airport bar. Yay! And apparently Corey Haim was heading to Lima, Peru. I was sleeping through that part, but I do have two product endorsements: those neck pillows, and the Bose Quiet Comort 2 head phones. Seriously, awesome.
Anyhow, since this post was pretty boring, I’ll leave you with a comic:
until i get a chance to edit that, here's the link: http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/drunkenchud/41563.png
14 May 2008
ECHO!!! echo...
So, it’s been quite some time since I posted last… yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s not that I haven’t had plenty of material to post, or the desire, I’ve just been drunk. Well mostly drunk, mostly lazy, completely highly unmotivated. Plenty of people have given me tons ‘o’ blog fodder, I have just lazed around like the shiftless layabout that I am and let it all pass by. Then I noticed that Kristin tagged me to talk about 6 completely unremarkable things about myself. This was perfect, now all the blog posts I had swirling around my head I can now truncate and put into one list post. WOOOOOHOOOOOO! So go get your bubblegum and hold on to your potatoes cuz here we go.
1. I play a lot of video games. Actually, that statement could be taken wrong, I play video games a lot. I usually find one I like and ride it till it dies. For the past several months this has been Call of Duty 4. I play it online with friends and family, so we tend to roll deep. Anyhow, it being the World Wide Web and all we play with a lot of foreigners. In general I like foreigners, except the ones I don’t. Up until playing this game I used to like the British. Now as soon as I hear one of those limey bastards talk I pray to god that they are on the other team so I can kick their snobbish asses. Here’s the thing I learned from the Brits: The U.S. has never won a war against Britain. In fact the ONLY reason we won the revolutionary war was thanks to the French. So when you ask them if they’ve ever lost a war to the French, the answer is also no. Oh, and they don’t even acknowledge the war of 1812. ALSO, the Brits had WWI and WWII completely under control by the time we came in, and thus we weren’t needed. You can try to reason with them by asking such things as, “So, when the Luftwaffe was turning London into rubble during the Blitz and Churchill was on the phone with Roosevelt begging for our help… that was you guys having under control?” the answer you will get is something about the Blitz never happening or it not being “that bad”. Anyway, my new goal is to convince the UK to back the Pound by sterling silver again and then I want to find an enormous silver deposit somewhere so I can flood the market with silver and this completely devalue the pound sterling. Yeah, I’m an evil genius. Or not.
2. My Buddy Rev and I used to run a website with another buddy of ours named Navy. This website used to feature local bands and the like. Anyhow, after Navy started making the beast with two backs with Rev’s on again off again Weird Al look alike girlfriend, a rift was born. I was away at college and those two weren’t talking to each other and I cared not. So Rev was still toiling away with the website when I came home and he had booked a radio gig through a friend of his. He tells me of the show and I told him that I in fact would tune and let him know how much of a douchenozzle he came across as. The topic of conversation on the show switched to “things that used to be cool on MTV” so I figured I’d call in and talk about two of my favorite things from back in the day; Headbangers Ball, and the old Dennis Leary Commercials about Cindy Crawford. When the phone screener answered I recognized the voice and the name of a kid I used to hang out with every day in high school. We (Rev, the Screener, and I) were all good friends back then, so I have him put my name up on the screens as “Navy, still humping rev’s ex”. While on hold you get to listen to the show and then there was a pause, and the host said to Rev, “dude, take a look at line three… you wanna take it?” to which Rev replied “bring it”. So I tried to do my best Navy impression and let out a “dude”. I could hear the tension in Rev’s voice as I tried to keep up the impression and then he realized it was me and the jig was up. But I had my 10 seconds of glory on live radio. Told you. Unremarkable.
3. A kid I grew up with has this girlfriend. She is hilarious and loves to toast, I like to call her “cheers”. The other thing she does is use me as a jungle gym. Seriously, her and her sister love to just climb all over me. If I pick up my beer, I must pick one of them up too. Anyway, her boyfriend’s brother was at the bar, and he and I were fucking around like we always do, and he decided to try to pick my up. I assured him this feat would land him in the hospital with herniated discs and the like. He tried his damndest but just could lift my tank ass up. So I turned around and picked his ass up into a fireman’s carry. Well, as soon as Cheers saw this she wanted in on the action. First she tried to lift me, then I put her into the fireman’s carry. Then, upon insistence from others around me and with my buddy spotting me, I pressed her. Man, alcohol makes feats of strength that much more fun.
4. My mom Tivo’s Oprah everyday. When I’m home, and she’s home, she likes to watch it. I hate Oprah with a passion. Seriously, I think she is 100% fake and completely insincere and doesn’t know how to emote. Anyhow, all this aside, I tend to hear the things being said on TV while I’m sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. This is a huge problem for me, as I have caught myself many times starting a sentence of with, “well, that’s not completely true, I mean, there are Oprah episodes dedicated to that.” Or “I just saw something about that on Oprah.” And right now as we speak she just walked in and turned on Oprah and the topic is polygamy. I need to go to work.
5. I like to Tivo the show “the universe”. It’s an awesome and educational show. Seriously, I recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the world around us, and the worlds around that. However, sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around the way they bandy certain things about as fact. They can surmise things, and hypothesize, and even be pretty sure about things. When when something is so far away that it is barely visible I submit that you cannot tell me all of the properties of said object having never been able to examine it. I understand there is a lot of math, and science that goes into it… but seriously, you cannot tell me the composition of a planet as a fact just by observing a gray speck on some film. I take issue with that. You can say, “we assume it to be X” not, “it IS X”. still though, great show.
6. I am now ½ hour late for work. By the time I get to work, I’ll be 45 minutes late. No one will care. I like my job.
So, there you have it. Unremarkability and all.
1. I play a lot of video games. Actually, that statement could be taken wrong, I play video games a lot. I usually find one I like and ride it till it dies. For the past several months this has been Call of Duty 4. I play it online with friends and family, so we tend to roll deep. Anyhow, it being the World Wide Web and all we play with a lot of foreigners. In general I like foreigners, except the ones I don’t. Up until playing this game I used to like the British. Now as soon as I hear one of those limey bastards talk I pray to god that they are on the other team so I can kick their snobbish asses. Here’s the thing I learned from the Brits: The U.S. has never won a war against Britain. In fact the ONLY reason we won the revolutionary war was thanks to the French. So when you ask them if they’ve ever lost a war to the French, the answer is also no. Oh, and they don’t even acknowledge the war of 1812. ALSO, the Brits had WWI and WWII completely under control by the time we came in, and thus we weren’t needed. You can try to reason with them by asking such things as, “So, when the Luftwaffe was turning London into rubble during the Blitz and Churchill was on the phone with Roosevelt begging for our help… that was you guys having under control?” the answer you will get is something about the Blitz never happening or it not being “that bad”. Anyway, my new goal is to convince the UK to back the Pound by sterling silver again and then I want to find an enormous silver deposit somewhere so I can flood the market with silver and this completely devalue the pound sterling. Yeah, I’m an evil genius. Or not.
2. My Buddy Rev and I used to run a website with another buddy of ours named Navy. This website used to feature local bands and the like. Anyhow, after Navy started making the beast with two backs with Rev’s on again off again Weird Al look alike girlfriend, a rift was born. I was away at college and those two weren’t talking to each other and I cared not. So Rev was still toiling away with the website when I came home and he had booked a radio gig through a friend of his. He tells me of the show and I told him that I in fact would tune and let him know how much of a douchenozzle he came across as. The topic of conversation on the show switched to “things that used to be cool on MTV” so I figured I’d call in and talk about two of my favorite things from back in the day; Headbangers Ball, and the old Dennis Leary Commercials about Cindy Crawford. When the phone screener answered I recognized the voice and the name of a kid I used to hang out with every day in high school. We (Rev, the Screener, and I) were all good friends back then, so I have him put my name up on the screens as “Navy, still humping rev’s ex”. While on hold you get to listen to the show and then there was a pause, and the host said to Rev, “dude, take a look at line three… you wanna take it?” to which Rev replied “bring it”. So I tried to do my best Navy impression and let out a “dude”. I could hear the tension in Rev’s voice as I tried to keep up the impression and then he realized it was me and the jig was up. But I had my 10 seconds of glory on live radio. Told you. Unremarkable.
3. A kid I grew up with has this girlfriend. She is hilarious and loves to toast, I like to call her “cheers”. The other thing she does is use me as a jungle gym. Seriously, her and her sister love to just climb all over me. If I pick up my beer, I must pick one of them up too. Anyway, her boyfriend’s brother was at the bar, and he and I were fucking around like we always do, and he decided to try to pick my up. I assured him this feat would land him in the hospital with herniated discs and the like. He tried his damndest but just could lift my tank ass up. So I turned around and picked his ass up into a fireman’s carry. Well, as soon as Cheers saw this she wanted in on the action. First she tried to lift me, then I put her into the fireman’s carry. Then, upon insistence from others around me and with my buddy spotting me, I pressed her. Man, alcohol makes feats of strength that much more fun.
4. My mom Tivo’s Oprah everyday. When I’m home, and she’s home, she likes to watch it. I hate Oprah with a passion. Seriously, I think she is 100% fake and completely insincere and doesn’t know how to emote. Anyhow, all this aside, I tend to hear the things being said on TV while I’m sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. This is a huge problem for me, as I have caught myself many times starting a sentence of with, “well, that’s not completely true, I mean, there are Oprah episodes dedicated to that.” Or “I just saw something about that on Oprah.” And right now as we speak she just walked in and turned on Oprah and the topic is polygamy. I need to go to work.
5. I like to Tivo the show “the universe”. It’s an awesome and educational show. Seriously, I recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the world around us, and the worlds around that. However, sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around the way they bandy certain things about as fact. They can surmise things, and hypothesize, and even be pretty sure about things. When when something is so far away that it is barely visible I submit that you cannot tell me all of the properties of said object having never been able to examine it. I understand there is a lot of math, and science that goes into it… but seriously, you cannot tell me the composition of a planet as a fact just by observing a gray speck on some film. I take issue with that. You can say, “we assume it to be X” not, “it IS X”. still though, great show.
6. I am now ½ hour late for work. By the time I get to work, I’ll be 45 minutes late. No one will care. I like my job.
So, there you have it. Unremarkability and all.
31 March 2008
Ruining "Lola" One Person at a Time.
Nelly: (listening to "Lola") dude, good song.
Me: Uhh, dude this song creeps me out.
Nelly: What? it's a good song.
Me: Dude it's about falling in love with a tranny.
Nelly: What the fuck?
Me: Dude, the line, "i know what i am i'm a man and so is my Lola" caps off the rest of the song and its overt lyrics about Lola being a man. seriously.
Nelly: (turning up the radio) "Well Im not dumb but I cant understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"
Me: See?
Nelly: (listening to the radio still) "Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy wont you come home with me
Well Im not the worlds most passionate guy..."
Me: ...
Nelly: (Still still listening) "Well I left home just a week before
And Id never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy Im gonna make you a man"
Me: see, he still hasn't kissed a woman. she's a man MAN.
Radio: "Well Im not the worlds most masculine man
But I know what I am I'm a man
And so is lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"
Nelly: Thanks for ruining a good song for me asshole. Now whenever I hear this song I'll forever be upset.
Me: Well, it's a song about a guy who falls in love with a girl an finds out she's a man, and is ok with it. Oldest love story in the book. Uhhh, sorry dude.
Me: Uhh, dude this song creeps me out.
Nelly: What? it's a good song.
Me: Dude it's about falling in love with a tranny.
Nelly: What the fuck?
Me: Dude, the line, "i know what i am i'm a man and so is my Lola" caps off the rest of the song and its overt lyrics about Lola being a man. seriously.
Nelly: (turning up the radio) "Well Im not dumb but I cant understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"
Me: See?
Nelly: (listening to the radio still) "Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy wont you come home with me
Well Im not the worlds most passionate guy..."
Me: ...
Nelly: (Still still listening) "Well I left home just a week before
And Id never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy Im gonna make you a man"
Me: see, he still hasn't kissed a woman. she's a man MAN.
Radio: "Well Im not the worlds most masculine man
But I know what I am I'm a man
And so is lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"
Nelly: Thanks for ruining a good song for me asshole. Now whenever I hear this song I'll forever be upset.
Me: Well, it's a song about a guy who falls in love with a girl an finds out she's a man, and is ok with it. Oldest love story in the book. Uhhh, sorry dude.
03 March 2008
Hungry eyes
you haven't lived till you've drunkenly pulled off the lift from dirty dancing to the song "hungry eyes" in a packed bar to a standing ovation.
a bit of warning though, every girl who thinks they are sveldt yet who is considerably less than, will try to get you to do the lift with them. i find that saying you have bad shoulders (which i actually do) works out (even if they aren't bothering you). seriously, i'm a big guy, and i've got some brute strength, but the girl i was lifting was small enough that i could get her up to full arm extension with a little help from her, but the other girls wanting to be "baby" for a hot second... shit, i'd have needed the exoskeleton from alien.
however, i will say to any women trying to do said lift, DO NOT JUST TRY TO JUMP UP. seriously, if you just try to jump as high as you can all we as the guy are doing is trying to slow your fall and then lift you against that momentum. this equals failure. you have to seriously try to jump at our foreheads. i mean really try to jump at our foreheads. seriously aim to try to tackle our hairline. then, and only then can we make it look fluid. just a tip. we may be strong, but when you are dead weight, or working counter to physics, it can suck. so, that's my tip.
p.s. nobody puts baby in a corner.
a bit of warning though, every girl who thinks they are sveldt yet who is considerably less than, will try to get you to do the lift with them. i find that saying you have bad shoulders (which i actually do) works out (even if they aren't bothering you). seriously, i'm a big guy, and i've got some brute strength, but the girl i was lifting was small enough that i could get her up to full arm extension with a little help from her, but the other girls wanting to be "baby" for a hot second... shit, i'd have needed the exoskeleton from alien.
however, i will say to any women trying to do said lift, DO NOT JUST TRY TO JUMP UP. seriously, if you just try to jump as high as you can all we as the guy are doing is trying to slow your fall and then lift you against that momentum. this equals failure. you have to seriously try to jump at our foreheads. i mean really try to jump at our foreheads. seriously aim to try to tackle our hairline. then, and only then can we make it look fluid. just a tip. we may be strong, but when you are dead weight, or working counter to physics, it can suck. so, that's my tip.
p.s. nobody puts baby in a corner.
09 February 2008
Hahaha! FAT Tuesday! I GET IT. ASS.
So, it’s been a while. This drunken haze emergence is a process that sometimes takes until after St. Patrick’s Day. So, the 5th was my birthday and I had an extremely lofty goal: to army crawl home due to severe intoxication. So, the night started out easy enough, Rev and The Doctor came to pick me up and I was not at all ready, in fact I was still playing video games. Hey, it was my birthday, I’m allowed some latitude. So, upon my arrival to the bar, the bartendress bought me my birthday shot, jack, my favorite. So, then EVERYONE got in on that gag. Buy shots for Chud, he’ll drink anything! He likes it! Hey Chuddy, he likes it!
Well, I did like it. apparently a little too much. Shots kept coming, and someone dared me to do a rail* of pepper. I think it became elevated to double dog dare status (faaar too quickly for standard dare protocol if you ask me though) and thusly as per man code, I rolled up a bill and snorted that rail like it was coke and the bar was a hooker’s ass. Needless to say it didn’t go so well. I started snotting and itching and more or less had to blow my nose. And by more or less, I mean more. Then less. Then more again. It was funny really, the tissue was full of snot and pepper. Which I seriously don’t recommend using a spice combo in your next meal. Wholly unappetizing in appearance. Someone had the great idea to play beer pong, which I am a champ. HOWEVER, this was not the case this night as I had seriously degraded motor skills due to many beers and many shots. So we didn’t win any games, yippee shit. I did however go all Cloverfield (Godzilla) on the beer pong cups dashing them asunder whilst flailing my arms wildly like some lunatic that flails his arms wildly. Then I am told I did a pelvic thrust to the table to overturn it. I know I got a lot handsy with some of the girls and may have been yelling “it’s my birthday AND Mardi Gras! I wanna see some titties!” while trying to goad girls into flashing with some “bud bowl” beads. Yeah, I’m all class.
So, to recap for the night:
Beer pong table: 0
Chud: eleventy billion
Titties: 0
Post Script (oooh, how pretentious i spelled it out!), I did not in fact "Army crawl" home, no one would let me. Though I have been told that it was debated to throw me in the bed of a truck and laugh as I lolled about as they drove home. lucky for me, the opted for letting me in the passenger seat. Or so I was told.
Well, I did like it. apparently a little too much. Shots kept coming, and someone dared me to do a rail* of pepper. I think it became elevated to double dog dare status (faaar too quickly for standard dare protocol if you ask me though) and thusly as per man code, I rolled up a bill and snorted that rail like it was coke and the bar was a hooker’s ass. Needless to say it didn’t go so well. I started snotting and itching and more or less had to blow my nose. And by more or less, I mean more. Then less. Then more again. It was funny really, the tissue was full of snot and pepper. Which I seriously don’t recommend using a spice combo in your next meal. Wholly unappetizing in appearance. Someone had the great idea to play beer pong, which I am a champ. HOWEVER, this was not the case this night as I had seriously degraded motor skills due to many beers and many shots. So we didn’t win any games, yippee shit. I did however go all Cloverfield (Godzilla) on the beer pong cups dashing them asunder whilst flailing my arms wildly like some lunatic that flails his arms wildly. Then I am told I did a pelvic thrust to the table to overturn it. I know I got a lot handsy with some of the girls and may have been yelling “it’s my birthday AND Mardi Gras! I wanna see some titties!” while trying to goad girls into flashing with some “bud bowl” beads. Yeah, I’m all class.
So, to recap for the night:
Beer pong table: 0
Chud: eleventy billion
Titties: 0
Post Script (oooh, how pretentious i spelled it out!), I did not in fact "Army crawl" home, no one would let me. Though I have been told that it was debated to throw me in the bed of a truck and laugh as I lolled about as they drove home. lucky for me, the opted for letting me in the passenger seat. Or so I was told.
19 January 2008
... and never brought to light.
So I am slowly emerging from my annual cycle of drunkenness which I call my “hazy shade of winter”. Around this time every year I, for some odd reason, crawl into many many bottles and hide out there for about a month. Destructive? Perhaps. Fun? Oh hell yes. Well, from what I remember anyhow.
So, I got sick Christmas day, and not the brown bottle flu type sick. This was some traveling misery bug that started somewhere in my lungs and then for the next 2 weeks worked its way up and down my head/respiratory system. Come New Year’s Eve I had smoked one cigarette and drank two beers since Christmas Eve/Day respectively.
New Year’s Eve was spent at a bar that I personally think is less than lackluster, however, I had a bunch of friends there and really, anytime you can walk into any bar and know 70% of the people is always a good thing. However, the service sucked, the price was horrible yet I somehow managed to find a purple cowboy hat that was a few sizes too small and thusly rocked it, albeit at a jaunty angle. Cuz, well, that’s how I roll. Also, at the end of the night I was calling competing cab companies to see who would get to the bar first so as to save me a walk. I know not who won, as I left with a lovely woman who had her boyfriend in the backseat. Anyhow, I awoke to some nasty voicemails from some cab companies. Fuck em, they’re a bunch of rip off artists anyhow.
So, I was watching a TV show earlier in which there were statistics about rape, and rape victims. This got my blood boiling. It hits a special place in my brain and makes me want to commit many many interstate crimes which would lead to a federal case in which I’d have to plead long term temporary insanity due to the vile and psychotic act perpetrated on a loved one. The sad thing is, given the circumstances, I’m sure I’d be found not guilty. However, without going into trust defying horrific detail, I got to thinking about things that get me that mad. There are several things that get me doghammering mad, but only two that get me blood boiling mad.
So, now for my list of shit that gets me going:
5. People who vote for a candidate based on their stance on abortion. I’m sorry, but I thought this was decided on by the supreme court… THUS MAKING IT LEGAL PRECEDENT! Hey, asshole, why not vote based on their feelings on Brown v. Board of Education, or better yet, Miranda v. Arizona. They all have the same chance of being overturned as Roe v. Wade.
T4. Underground Comedy Movie/Michael Moore. Both are fake, not worth watching, and chronically over-hyped. You will find yourself yelling “cut!” in the middle of scenes and then crying in your pillow at night for subjecting your eyeballs to the horrors that be. Yeah, this critique works for both the aforementioned movie and the aforementioned rabble rousing neo lib.
3. unions. I think I have covered this one whole heartedly.
And now, for the blood boiling mad makers:
2. When I hear Nickleback’s “never again” I begin to get worked into a fervor. Without divulging any details which could be used against me, let us just say I had a couple of friends who got married. One decided to beat the other till she needed reconstructive surgery. SOMEONE beat him till he was unconscious for a month. With the baseball bat he tried to attack said SOMEONE with. I do not know who SOMEONE is… I only heard of this thirdhand.
1. Any tales of rape. I had a former ex, the previously mentioned loved one in the main post. She was a genius, and a beauty. The two things I needed in a woman. Unfortunately I couldn’t heal her pain, or comprehend it. Eventually she had to do what she had to do, and that didn’t involve me. I still think about her, and I still get insanely mad when I think about what happened to her. She confided in me one day, about the sheer brutality of the event. This was not your normal rape, this involved damn near attempted murder/ assault with intent. One day my good buddy (her ex) had mentioned to me that she was a bit of a tease and most likely brought it on herself. I’m not entirely sure what happened next, though I know I flew into a blind rage and scared the ever loving shit out of him. She later explained to me that she had never told him the details. He never spoke to me again. Her, I miss.
So, I got sick Christmas day, and not the brown bottle flu type sick. This was some traveling misery bug that started somewhere in my lungs and then for the next 2 weeks worked its way up and down my head/respiratory system. Come New Year’s Eve I had smoked one cigarette and drank two beers since Christmas Eve/Day respectively.
New Year’s Eve was spent at a bar that I personally think is less than lackluster, however, I had a bunch of friends there and really, anytime you can walk into any bar and know 70% of the people is always a good thing. However, the service sucked, the price was horrible yet I somehow managed to find a purple cowboy hat that was a few sizes too small and thusly rocked it, albeit at a jaunty angle. Cuz, well, that’s how I roll. Also, at the end of the night I was calling competing cab companies to see who would get to the bar first so as to save me a walk. I know not who won, as I left with a lovely woman who had her boyfriend in the backseat. Anyhow, I awoke to some nasty voicemails from some cab companies. Fuck em, they’re a bunch of rip off artists anyhow.
So, I was watching a TV show earlier in which there were statistics about rape, and rape victims. This got my blood boiling. It hits a special place in my brain and makes me want to commit many many interstate crimes which would lead to a federal case in which I’d have to plead long term temporary insanity due to the vile and psychotic act perpetrated on a loved one. The sad thing is, given the circumstances, I’m sure I’d be found not guilty. However, without going into trust defying horrific detail, I got to thinking about things that get me that mad. There are several things that get me doghammering mad, but only two that get me blood boiling mad.
So, now for my list of shit that gets me going:
5. People who vote for a candidate based on their stance on abortion. I’m sorry, but I thought this was decided on by the supreme court… THUS MAKING IT LEGAL PRECEDENT! Hey, asshole, why not vote based on their feelings on Brown v. Board of Education, or better yet, Miranda v. Arizona. They all have the same chance of being overturned as Roe v. Wade.
T4. Underground Comedy Movie/Michael Moore. Both are fake, not worth watching, and chronically over-hyped. You will find yourself yelling “cut!” in the middle of scenes and then crying in your pillow at night for subjecting your eyeballs to the horrors that be. Yeah, this critique works for both the aforementioned movie and the aforementioned rabble rousing neo lib.
3. unions. I think I have covered this one whole heartedly.
And now, for the blood boiling mad makers:
2. When I hear Nickleback’s “never again” I begin to get worked into a fervor. Without divulging any details which could be used against me, let us just say I had a couple of friends who got married. One decided to beat the other till she needed reconstructive surgery. SOMEONE beat him till he was unconscious for a month. With the baseball bat he tried to attack said SOMEONE with. I do not know who SOMEONE is… I only heard of this thirdhand.
1. Any tales of rape. I had a former ex, the previously mentioned loved one in the main post. She was a genius, and a beauty. The two things I needed in a woman. Unfortunately I couldn’t heal her pain, or comprehend it. Eventually she had to do what she had to do, and that didn’t involve me. I still think about her, and I still get insanely mad when I think about what happened to her. She confided in me one day, about the sheer brutality of the event. This was not your normal rape, this involved damn near attempted murder/ assault with intent. One day my good buddy (her ex) had mentioned to me that she was a bit of a tease and most likely brought it on herself. I’m not entirely sure what happened next, though I know I flew into a blind rage and scared the ever loving shit out of him. She later explained to me that she had never told him the details. He never spoke to me again. Her, I miss.
24 December 2007
wtf...
ever have one of those weeks where everytime you think you have some alone time to jerk off you are suddenly interrupted by seemingly important yet unimportant phone calls, people coming through the door, being at work, or dawson's creek? yeah, it's been one of those weeks.
anyhow, that's all i got. the power is back on after a 17 hour shortage, most of the bars in the area were closed tonight so it was a big cluster fuck at the one bar that was open. holy shit, it looked like prime dining time on a friday in that bitch, on a sunday, at 1230am...
for those of you i like, click this link:
great little christmas ditty a capella even.
for those of you i am morally ambivalent to click this link:
ahh science. the true path to... wtf? oh right. zoltan!
if you don't know where you stand with me, then this link is for you:
this might be NSFW. and by might, i mean is.
and for those looking for some holiday cheer:
merry christmas
come to think of it, if you think i like you, only click on the top link. the second pisses me off the more i watch it. Merry Christmas everyone.
anyhow, that's all i got. the power is back on after a 17 hour shortage, most of the bars in the area were closed tonight so it was a big cluster fuck at the one bar that was open. holy shit, it looked like prime dining time on a friday in that bitch, on a sunday, at 1230am...
for those of you i like, click this link:
great little christmas ditty a capella even.
for those of you i am morally ambivalent to click this link:
ahh science. the true path to... wtf? oh right. zoltan!
if you don't know where you stand with me, then this link is for you:
this might be NSFW. and by might, i mean is.
and for those looking for some holiday cheer:
merry christmas
come to think of it, if you think i like you, only click on the top link. the second pisses me off the more i watch it. Merry Christmas everyone.
19 December 2007
This is why i drink
This is a completely sober conversation I had over IM tonight. I had stepped outside for a smoke, and came up with this idea. Please, enjoy my... insanity?
[00:57] Me: here's an odd question, is liquid hydrogen flamable?
[00:58] Scooter: Uh... I think it needs to be aerosolized to ignite, so no. Diesel fuel can't really catch fire that well...
[00:58] Me: dammit
[00:59] Scooter: Liquid hydrogen is the best way to TRANSPORT it, and I am sure you could make a liquid hydrogen BOMB, but I don't think you could have a pool of flaming liquid hydrogen.
[00:59] Me: how would one go about liquifying hydrogen?
[01:00] Scooter: I believe hydrogen needs to be very cold for it to condense, like oxygen or nitrogen. I might be wrong. But I think it involves cooling it and compressing it.
[01:01] Me: hrmm.
[01:02] Me: man, i wish you could be more definative on the liquid hydrogen being flammable or not.
[01:05] Scooter: I mean, it IS rocket fuel. It needs to be mixed with oxygen to burn. A pool of liquid hydrogen would warm up after a while, and assuming there was the correct air/fuel mixture, BANG.
[01:06] Me: i was just outside thinking how cool it would be to have a flamethrower to melt the snow instead of shovel. then i thought, fuck that, gas is too expensive. BUT THEN i thought, hey, it's snow. which is basically water. if i had a collection bin outside to collect the snow when it fell, then melt into water, then seperate it into water and hydrogen i could make flames with that, but in order to get it to really do the job, the hydrogen would need to be liquid so i could spread it, and it would stick and burn through the snow. then i would have an environmentally friendly snow removing flamethrower. ahh using the snow against itself.
[01:07] Scooter: ... the amount of electricity needed to start that process would power like, several city blocks for hours.
[01:08] Scooter: The gasoline is much cheaper, and considering how much coal would be burned to make the electricity, cleaner.
[01:09] Me: well, the heating process could be attained by using geothermal heating. so, that's not too bad. bury some pipes in the ground, pump water through, and up to the and around and back down would be my melting process.
[01:10] Me: so, the cost of an electric pump would be that big cost.
[01:11] Me: even if i just collected rain water throughout the year, save on the melting process.
[01:11] Me: it could be a gradual process all year. collect, seperate, store.
[01:12] Me: then, as the weather turns cold i could pack the tank in dry ice, and work on condensing and cooling it.
[01:12] Scooter: Uh... you would have to store it as compressed hydrogen, not liquid hydrogen. Liquid hydrogen boils off at about 1% of volume a day.
[01:13] Me: well, yeah, i'd store as a gass and compress only when needed.
[01:14] Me: of course, i could just use my geothermal idea and pull off the driveway, lay pipes at the surface, and lay the concrete over it, you know, to have a heated driveway.
[01:15] Scooter: That actually is a feature of some houses. Not nearly as cool as a hydrogen flame thrower, though.
[01:15] Me: I KNOW! seriously.
[01:15] Me: how awesome of a selling point would that be?
[01:16] Me: [homebuyer]uhh, ma'am what are those tanks behind the garage?
[realtor]well, the previous owner hated shoveling snow, so he created a year round water collection system that condenses hyrdrogen and oxygen and cools the hydrogen into a liquid in those tanks.
[homebuyer]uhh, what does that have to do with shoveling?
[realtor]well, when you hook the hoses and the gun up to this outlet here and click the little grill igniter here, you have a liquid hydrogen flamethrower.
[homebuyer] SOLD!
[homebuyers wife] uhh... but honey don't you think the kids...
[homebuyer aka man of the house] shut up woman, we're buying the house with the bult in flamethrower and that's final!
[01:20] Scooter: Yeah... I would probably invest in an iron fence, though... nothing ruins a snow removal session like your neighbor's house catching fire.
[01:20] Scooter: I think it actually could work.
[01:22] Me: well, i figure the hydrogen will burn up quickly, and at my house there's no real threat of burning anything else. you'd have to be one malicious motherfucker to burn down another house from my driveway. now, my own house... that would suck.
[01:22] Me: this is why smoking is good for you. you step outside, and reflect on shit, and come up with cooky ass ideas like this.
[01:23] Scooter: If I took up smoking, I would probably start a religion. I come up with enough crazy ideas already.
[01:23] Me: lol
[01:24] Scooter: Yeah, so... is it me, or do all seventeen of the assholes running for President suck like a Hoover?
[01:25] Me: i can't wait till i'm eligible to run.
[01:26] Me: or, maybe not a hoover, but a filmore?
[01:26] Me: rimshot
[01:27] Scooter: Ba dum, ching. I would vote for you, man. I am so sick of it all, you would at least be fun.
[01:27] Me: hahahahahahaha. yeah, no shit. "mr, dorton is it true..."
[01:28] Me: lemme cut you off there "ms. so and so", yes. it's probably true.
[01:28] Me: most of what you have heard about my past is most likely true, or has an element of truth to it.
[01:29] Me: now, can we proceed to the discovery process? and by that i mean, i need to discover if there are any hot ladies out there that are into fat guys. i'm talkin oval office sex ladies!
[01:31] Scooter: Wow. I think I should be the Vice President, though. You could visit Japan, like, monthly, Rev could be our first Secretary of state in clown makeup....
[01:32] Me: hahahahahahahahaha
[01:32] Scooter: I mean, what says "best presidency ever" like debauchery on the streets of Tokyo?
[01:33] Me: what a ticket that would be: staunch pro business conservative slash social liberal for president, and staunch anti business pro blah blah hippies blah for vice president.
[01:33] Me: oh, and the latter is the religious one.
[01:34] Scooter: Uh... I am not so much anti business as I am against immortal corporations.... Not so much in to the hippie dippie stuff either. I'd be spending most of my time explaining exactly what I am...
[01:35] Me: lol. true.
[01:35] Me: which would take a lot of the focus off my philandering.
[01:37] Scooter: Right, I could spend all my time boring the reporters to tears about the need to finance XYZ project with funds obtained in the flagenslouten act of 2023, while you are drilling Monica Lewinsky's successor into the carpet...
[01:38] Scooter: "Don't mind the moans, we have mice".
[01:39] Me: i bet we'd be the only single duo to ever run the white house and oeob.
[01:41] Scooter: Indeed. Ok, I need to be off to bed... you should try to design that rig of yours, eh? Patent that sucker.
[01:42] Me: no shit.
[01:43] Me: i bet getting UL approval would suck.
[01:44] Scooter: Indeed... flaming things generally are frowned upon at the UL...
yeah, so, a 47 minute long conversation about flamethrowers and running the country like a bachelor pad. now that the writers are on strike and all, hollywood just needs to sequester scooter and I. give me cigarettes and withhold the booze, and give scooter... no sleep, and we'll churn out ideas like it's our job. cuz it will be. of course once the writers strike ends, the ensuing drinking bender i would gon on would be one of legend. annals of history kind of epic. make "leaving las vegas" look like "the parent trap" kind of debauchery. where do i sign?
[00:57] Me: here's an odd question, is liquid hydrogen flamable?
[00:58] Scooter: Uh... I think it needs to be aerosolized to ignite, so no. Diesel fuel can't really catch fire that well...
[00:58] Me: dammit
[00:59] Scooter: Liquid hydrogen is the best way to TRANSPORT it, and I am sure you could make a liquid hydrogen BOMB, but I don't think you could have a pool of flaming liquid hydrogen.
[00:59] Me: how would one go about liquifying hydrogen?
[01:00] Scooter: I believe hydrogen needs to be very cold for it to condense, like oxygen or nitrogen. I might be wrong. But I think it involves cooling it and compressing it.
[01:01] Me: hrmm.
[01:02] Me: man, i wish you could be more definative on the liquid hydrogen being flammable or not.
[01:05] Scooter: I mean, it IS rocket fuel. It needs to be mixed with oxygen to burn. A pool of liquid hydrogen would warm up after a while, and assuming there was the correct air/fuel mixture, BANG.
[01:06] Me: i was just outside thinking how cool it would be to have a flamethrower to melt the snow instead of shovel. then i thought, fuck that, gas is too expensive. BUT THEN i thought, hey, it's snow. which is basically water. if i had a collection bin outside to collect the snow when it fell, then melt into water, then seperate it into water and hydrogen i could make flames with that, but in order to get it to really do the job, the hydrogen would need to be liquid so i could spread it, and it would stick and burn through the snow. then i would have an environmentally friendly snow removing flamethrower. ahh using the snow against itself.
[01:07] Scooter: ... the amount of electricity needed to start that process would power like, several city blocks for hours.
[01:08] Scooter: The gasoline is much cheaper, and considering how much coal would be burned to make the electricity, cleaner.
[01:09] Me: well, the heating process could be attained by using geothermal heating. so, that's not too bad. bury some pipes in the ground, pump water through, and up to the and around and back down would be my melting process.
[01:10] Me: so, the cost of an electric pump would be that big cost.
[01:11] Me: even if i just collected rain water throughout the year, save on the melting process.
[01:11] Me: it could be a gradual process all year. collect, seperate, store.
[01:12] Me: then, as the weather turns cold i could pack the tank in dry ice, and work on condensing and cooling it.
[01:12] Scooter: Uh... you would have to store it as compressed hydrogen, not liquid hydrogen. Liquid hydrogen boils off at about 1% of volume a day.
[01:13] Me: well, yeah, i'd store as a gass and compress only when needed.
[01:14] Me: of course, i could just use my geothermal idea and pull off the driveway, lay pipes at the surface, and lay the concrete over it, you know, to have a heated driveway.
[01:15] Scooter: That actually is a feature of some houses. Not nearly as cool as a hydrogen flame thrower, though.
[01:15] Me: I KNOW! seriously.
[01:15] Me: how awesome of a selling point would that be?
[01:16] Me: [homebuyer]uhh, ma'am what are those tanks behind the garage?
[realtor]well, the previous owner hated shoveling snow, so he created a year round water collection system that condenses hyrdrogen and oxygen and cools the hydrogen into a liquid in those tanks.
[homebuyer]uhh, what does that have to do with shoveling?
[realtor]well, when you hook the hoses and the gun up to this outlet here and click the little grill igniter here, you have a liquid hydrogen flamethrower.
[homebuyer] SOLD!
[homebuyers wife] uhh... but honey don't you think the kids...
[homebuyer aka man of the house] shut up woman, we're buying the house with the bult in flamethrower and that's final!
[01:20] Scooter: Yeah... I would probably invest in an iron fence, though... nothing ruins a snow removal session like your neighbor's house catching fire.
[01:20] Scooter: I think it actually could work.
[01:22] Me: well, i figure the hydrogen will burn up quickly, and at my house there's no real threat of burning anything else. you'd have to be one malicious motherfucker to burn down another house from my driveway. now, my own house... that would suck.
[01:22] Me: this is why smoking is good for you. you step outside, and reflect on shit, and come up with cooky ass ideas like this.
[01:23] Scooter: If I took up smoking, I would probably start a religion. I come up with enough crazy ideas already.
[01:23] Me: lol
[01:24] Scooter: Yeah, so... is it me, or do all seventeen of the assholes running for President suck like a Hoover?
[01:25] Me: i can't wait till i'm eligible to run.
[01:26] Me: or, maybe not a hoover, but a filmore?
[01:26] Me: rimshot
[01:27] Scooter: Ba dum, ching. I would vote for you, man. I am so sick of it all, you would at least be fun.
[01:27] Me: hahahahahahaha. yeah, no shit. "mr, dorton is it true..."
[01:28] Me: lemme cut you off there "ms. so and so", yes. it's probably true.
[01:28] Me: most of what you have heard about my past is most likely true, or has an element of truth to it.
[01:29] Me: now, can we proceed to the discovery process? and by that i mean, i need to discover if there are any hot ladies out there that are into fat guys. i'm talkin oval office sex ladies!
[01:31] Scooter: Wow. I think I should be the Vice President, though. You could visit Japan, like, monthly, Rev could be our first Secretary of state in clown makeup....
[01:32] Me: hahahahahahahahaha
[01:32] Scooter: I mean, what says "best presidency ever" like debauchery on the streets of Tokyo?
[01:33] Me: what a ticket that would be: staunch pro business conservative slash social liberal for president, and staunch anti business pro blah blah hippies blah for vice president.
[01:33] Me: oh, and the latter is the religious one.
[01:34] Scooter: Uh... I am not so much anti business as I am against immortal corporations.... Not so much in to the hippie dippie stuff either. I'd be spending most of my time explaining exactly what I am...
[01:35] Me: lol. true.
[01:35] Me: which would take a lot of the focus off my philandering.
[01:37] Scooter: Right, I could spend all my time boring the reporters to tears about the need to finance XYZ project with funds obtained in the flagenslouten act of 2023, while you are drilling Monica Lewinsky's successor into the carpet...
[01:38] Scooter: "Don't mind the moans, we have mice".
[01:39] Me: i bet we'd be the only single duo to ever run the white house and oeob.
[01:41] Scooter: Indeed. Ok, I need to be off to bed... you should try to design that rig of yours, eh? Patent that sucker.
[01:42] Me: no shit.
[01:43] Me: i bet getting UL approval would suck.
[01:44] Scooter: Indeed... flaming things generally are frowned upon at the UL...
yeah, so, a 47 minute long conversation about flamethrowers and running the country like a bachelor pad. now that the writers are on strike and all, hollywood just needs to sequester scooter and I. give me cigarettes and withhold the booze, and give scooter... no sleep, and we'll churn out ideas like it's our job. cuz it will be. of course once the writers strike ends, the ensuing drinking bender i would gon on would be one of legend. annals of history kind of epic. make "leaving las vegas" look like "the parent trap" kind of debauchery. where do i sign?
05 December 2007
boys and guns
Ok, so to recap, I liked a movie, I disliked a movie, then… I went impromptu hunting. We had discussed the possibility of heading il norte, but nothing was concrete. So, at about 1030pm (2230 to my non 12 hour time friends) I headed to the ol’ watering hole where we hashed out the particulars about the coming days and decided to head to the north woods to be glorious hunter/gatherers. We did not kill any woodland dwelling animals, however, were we to classify our brain cells as woodland indigenous, we may have hit paydirt (with kdirt). So more or less, I was reassured why I I don’t have a girlfriend (apparently, they are a fun governor (not like an elected official, but more like a throttle governor)) so I spent the whole time fielding other peoples women folk calls since I had the only dependable phone in camp. Fuck, that. If I ever go again, I am getting certain numbers blocked from my shit. Seriously, fun governors doesn’t even begin to describe this shit. Anyhow, we saw no deer, we got drunk a lot, and we made poor decisions. Here are three very poor decisions. some set up: three of us, 180 acres, some mini propane tanks, a fire, and a rifle:
me, half full propane tank, 30-06. yeah, big boom.
yeah, it came out upside down, not sure why. half full tank, marlin 30-30.
the first one we did with a real rifle. 30-30 at about 30 yards. yeah, we're not smart.
oh yeah, if i waste one more night hitting on a lesbian i am gonna kill somebody. seriously, a whole night wasted at the bar over a woman who would rather munch some carpet, than have me munch hers. seriously, with all the lezzy pron i watch, you'd think i'd be able to key in on this shit. fuckin lezdar is out of whack.
me, half full propane tank, 30-06. yeah, big boom.
yeah, it came out upside down, not sure why. half full tank, marlin 30-30.
the first one we did with a real rifle. 30-30 at about 30 yards. yeah, we're not smart.
oh yeah, if i waste one more night hitting on a lesbian i am gonna kill somebody. seriously, a whole night wasted at the bar over a woman who would rather munch some carpet, than have me munch hers. seriously, with all the lezzy pron i watch, you'd think i'd be able to key in on this shit. fuckin lezdar is out of whack.
25 November 2007
Superbad
So, today is my movie review day. why? fuck you that's why.
so Rev and I went to see "Hitman" today. seriously, if you like the games, see the movie. if you know nothing of the games, forget it, you'll be confused, the inside jokes won't make sense, and really the only redeeming thing will be that hot girl's tits. yeah, perfect titties. i wanted to nibble on them for about a month.
anyhow, the movie itself was good, and the elements they took from the games were great. they really took a lot of the best levels (read: the russian levels)and integrated them into the movie. i had to take a piss at one point, which means i missed my two favorite items from the games: the coin and the fiber wire. anyhow, i pissed, the movie ended, things were left unanswered, sequels were alluded to.
now, the afore mentioned Rev loaned me a copy of "Superbad" that is beyond the boundries of legal. it says that is property of sony pictures along the bottom. as far as i'm concerned, best part of the movie. seriously, everyone i knew built this movie up when it was in theaters, i finally see it, and i think i had about three laugh out loud moments. AND i was (am) drunk. there is nothing that occurs in this movie that i haven't seen in some incarnation ni another movie. aside from the period blood dance scene. but really, the movie made not laugh out loud, or in quiet, it made me sigh and wonder where my friends' taste in movies went. really, unless a couple more viewings change my opinion, i would give this movie a derivative 2 out of five. only because there were two fairly original scenes that have garnered it a 2. otherwise it would have earned a negative rating simply due to its' unoriginality. wow. i'm unimpressed.
so Rev and I went to see "Hitman" today. seriously, if you like the games, see the movie. if you know nothing of the games, forget it, you'll be confused, the inside jokes won't make sense, and really the only redeeming thing will be that hot girl's tits. yeah, perfect titties. i wanted to nibble on them for about a month.
anyhow, the movie itself was good, and the elements they took from the games were great. they really took a lot of the best levels (read: the russian levels)and integrated them into the movie. i had to take a piss at one point, which means i missed my two favorite items from the games: the coin and the fiber wire. anyhow, i pissed, the movie ended, things were left unanswered, sequels were alluded to.
now, the afore mentioned Rev loaned me a copy of "Superbad" that is beyond the boundries of legal. it says that is property of sony pictures along the bottom. as far as i'm concerned, best part of the movie. seriously, everyone i knew built this movie up when it was in theaters, i finally see it, and i think i had about three laugh out loud moments. AND i was (am) drunk. there is nothing that occurs in this movie that i haven't seen in some incarnation ni another movie. aside from the period blood dance scene. but really, the movie made not laugh out loud, or in quiet, it made me sigh and wonder where my friends' taste in movies went. really, unless a couple more viewings change my opinion, i would give this movie a derivative 2 out of five. only because there were two fairly original scenes that have garnered it a 2. otherwise it would have earned a negative rating simply due to its' unoriginality. wow. i'm unimpressed.
06 November 2007
Gotta pay the juice
Me: How much you got on the game?
AC: I got $400 on Baltimore
Me: Why?
AC: I bet the opposite, everyone was taking Pittsburgh.
Me: You do know there’s a reason they’re taking Pit right?
AC: Yeah, but I bet the under and took the Ravens.
Me: (Steelers score again) You know you’re gonna lose right?
AC: Shut up
--
Rambo: Ragin’ thought she was my little sister.
Me: Nah, you’re tits aren’t big enough to be related to her. Hey, where you goin?
--
AC: Best case, I kiss my sister and pay the juice.
Me: (dying laughing as the Steelers score again.)
AC: COME ON!
--
Me: (to the 17 year old cook) Hey Zack, what’s your mom’s name? I forgot it after I got done fucking her last night.
Zack: OH! BURN!
Me: Wow, I don’t know where that came from. That was completely uncalled for.
Zack: Yeah, it kinda was.
--
On a related note, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I got home last night. I got nothin’.
--
As Many of you may know, as I have stated on here before, I am an ass man. A great ass, plus a nice set of stems, getaway sticks, or gams, really sets my heart a flutter. And I mean that in the literal sense, it actually makes my heart race, like a lion after prey. However, as of late, something new has started to happen, something… odd. Let me preface this by the fact that I have never in my life been a breast man. Ever. But lately, I find myself being drawn to them. And quite large ones. It is somewhat disconcerting as I know not how to control myself. I am constantly staring or fixated. However, I have worked up a theory about this: since most of the new bar staff is quite stacked, all of this is just some Pavlovian response to being served. So, when I see someone who has… matronly breasts, I get thirsty and lusty at the same time. The reason I came up with this is that the attraction to breasts, isn’t so much an attraction as a fixation, and doesn’t have the same physical effects on me. On the plus side, I’m not gonna be hurting for breasts to stare at for a while.
--
and now some fun links (all links pop):
this little girl gets OWNED!
why getting old sucks.
I think we did this when I was in high school… only we waited till the cars were closer.
not sure what he was trying to do, but it’s entertaining to me
AC: I got $400 on Baltimore
Me: Why?
AC: I bet the opposite, everyone was taking Pittsburgh.
Me: You do know there’s a reason they’re taking Pit right?
AC: Yeah, but I bet the under and took the Ravens.
Me: (Steelers score again) You know you’re gonna lose right?
AC: Shut up
--
Rambo: Ragin’ thought she was my little sister.
Me: Nah, you’re tits aren’t big enough to be related to her. Hey, where you goin?
--
AC: Best case, I kiss my sister and pay the juice.
Me: (dying laughing as the Steelers score again.)
AC: COME ON!
--
Me: (to the 17 year old cook) Hey Zack, what’s your mom’s name? I forgot it after I got done fucking her last night.
Zack: OH! BURN!
Me: Wow, I don’t know where that came from. That was completely uncalled for.
Zack: Yeah, it kinda was.
--
On a related note, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I got home last night. I got nothin’.
--
As Many of you may know, as I have stated on here before, I am an ass man. A great ass, plus a nice set of stems, getaway sticks, or gams, really sets my heart a flutter. And I mean that in the literal sense, it actually makes my heart race, like a lion after prey. However, as of late, something new has started to happen, something… odd. Let me preface this by the fact that I have never in my life been a breast man. Ever. But lately, I find myself being drawn to them. And quite large ones. It is somewhat disconcerting as I know not how to control myself. I am constantly staring or fixated. However, I have worked up a theory about this: since most of the new bar staff is quite stacked, all of this is just some Pavlovian response to being served. So, when I see someone who has… matronly breasts, I get thirsty and lusty at the same time. The reason I came up with this is that the attraction to breasts, isn’t so much an attraction as a fixation, and doesn’t have the same physical effects on me. On the plus side, I’m not gonna be hurting for breasts to stare at for a while.
--
and now some fun links (all links pop):
this little girl gets OWNED!
why getting old sucks.
I think we did this when I was in high school… only we waited till the cars were closer.
not sure what he was trying to do, but it’s entertaining to me
26 October 2007
drama
Never in my life have I ever been privvy to so much drama over beer pong as I was tonight. First of all, beer pong is a 4 person game, period. If you don’t call winners (like any other bar game) you don’t get to play. So, a kid I know decided to start some drama against a guy I know because they wanted to play on a table that wasn’t theirs. No big deal, till it almost came to blows and I had to pull one of the guys out of the bar. No big shakes, I just wanted to play some pong. My partner managed to hook us up with some people that were previously deposed due to the drama aforementioned. This is where life gets fun; see Jason and I had won 3 games in a row (2 sans re-rack! Unheard of!) and were working on our 4th game (3rd without a re-rack) when some 40something year old came into our game and started talking all kinds of shit about the girl on the opposite team. He was saying her elbow was over the line… now, anyone who has ever left the town in which they live to go to college anytime between 1998-present knows that no such elbow rule exists. We didn’t care. The 4 of us were having a good time when grampa shit eater decided to try and piss on our parade. Most of what he said didn’t bother me till he tried to start a fight with the guy we were playing against. He has a wannabe cop buddy that likes to escalate situations (he was the keystone in drama part 1) that decided to try and weigh in on the situation. Fortunately for the bar, I don’t shit where I eat. We won the game, I got everyone out, and stuck around till everyone was out of the bar. I had to talk some sense into the manager who wanted to get rid of beer pong. I had to point out that thanks to pong Thursdays were bustling, however without it, the waitstaff hated Thursdays.
I hate people that want to shit on a good time. The people that started the drama were people who like to throw darts, and we are taking up the dart area. Yippee shit, get over it. I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than I enjoy a good walk home in the clean, brisk, autumn air to cleanse my thoughts and make me not want to knock some asshead’s teeth through his throat. The funniest thing is, the one guy I was most concerned about was the friend I pulled out of the bar earlier in the night. He’s only about 5’2” but trying to get that man out of the bar was a bigger chore than if he were twice the size. Fuckin wirey bastards.
I hate people that want to shit on a good time. The people that started the drama were people who like to throw darts, and we are taking up the dart area. Yippee shit, get over it. I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than I enjoy a good walk home in the clean, brisk, autumn air to cleanse my thoughts and make me not want to knock some asshead’s teeth through his throat. The funniest thing is, the one guy I was most concerned about was the friend I pulled out of the bar earlier in the night. He’s only about 5’2” but trying to get that man out of the bar was a bigger chore than if he were twice the size. Fuckin wirey bastards.
24 September 2007
Just Call Me Andrew Carnegie
“DETROIT (AP) - Thousands of United Auto Workers walked off the job at GM plants around the country Monday in the first nationwide strike during auto contract negotiations since 1976.
UAW President Ron Gettelfinger said the union launched the strike after "one-sided negotiations" failed to reach an agreement.
"It was going to be General Motors' way at the expense of the workers," Gettelfinger said. "The company walked right up to the deadline like they really didn't care."
Workers walked off the job and began picketing Monday outside GM plants after the 11 a.m. UAW strike deadline passed. The UAW has 73,000 members who work for GM at 82 U.S. facilities, including assembly and parts plants and warehouses.
Included in the negotiations was a groundbreaking provision establishing a UAW-managed trust that will administer GM's retiree health care obligations. GM pushed hard for the trust - known as a Voluntary Employees Beneficiary Association, or VEBA - so it could move $51 billion in unfunded retiree health costs off its books. GM has nearly 339,000 retirees and surviving spouses.
"This strike is not about the VEBA in any way shape or form," Gettelfinger said at an afternoon news conference in Detroit.
"The No. 1 issue here is job security," Gettelfinger later said, adding that the union also was fighting to preserve workers' benefits.
Gettelfinger said the union and GM's management would return to the table later Monday.
GM spokesman Dan Flores said the automaker was disappointed in the UAW's decision to call a national strike.
"The bargaining involves complex, difficult issues that affect the job security of our U.S. work force and the long-term viability of the company," he said. "We remain fully committed to working with the UAW to develop solutions together to address the competitive challenges facing GM."
It remained to be seen what effect the strike would have on the automaker and consumers. The company has sufficient stocks of just about every product to withstand a short strike, according to Tom Libby, senior director of industry analysis for J.D. Power and Associates.
Worker Anita Ahrens burst into tears as hundreds of United Auto Workers streamed out of a GM plant in Janesville, Wis.
"Oh my God, here they come," said Ahrens, 39. "This is unreal."
Ahrens has seven years at the plant, where she works nights installing speakers in sport utility vehicles. She waited outside the building Monday for her husband, Ron Ahrens, who has worked there for 21 years.
The couple has three children, including a college freshman, and Ahrens worried about how they would pay their bills.
"This is horrible, but we're die-hard union, so we have to," Ahrens said. "We got a mortgage, two car payments and tons of freaking bills."
Gettelfinger said he believed the UAW's leadership owed "our membership an answer as to why they're out there."
"This is as serious as anything that any of us do," he said. "There's not one person on this stage ... that wanted to see these negotiations end in a strike. Who wins in a strike? But again, you can be pushed off a cliff, and that's what we feel like happened here."
Despite the strike, GM stock rose a penny to $34.95 in midday trading.” Taken from WXYZ.com
-
I have popped off about the unions before. Anyone who has read me long enough knows my stance. For any new readers unaware of my stance on most labor unions and the UAW specifically, I am a wonderful mix of Andrew Carnegie and Allan Pinkerton. For my overseas readers that means I am violently opposed to them and wish them great bodily harm resulting in death and or dismemberment.
So today I turned on the TV to have what I thought was going to be a severe weather alert or amber alert crawling across the screen. Instead it was informing that the over paid whiney bitches of the UAW have initiated a nationwide strike. The funny/great/amusing thing is that they did this at the most inopportune time to make their point. The Michigan unemployment rate as of August was at 7.4% which is a .4% increase for the year, with a combined loss of 56,000 jobs over the past year (source). This is what happens when people with a high school education at best are put in charge of a labor union. What they fail to realize is that there is a glut of people willing to do their jobs for much less than they the union lazy asses are being paid. If GM is smart, they will simply cut their losses, break from the union, and hire all scab labor. Tell everyone who wants to come back to fuck off. They made their bed, time to lay in it.
GM has been steadily losing market share over the years due to the fact they can’t price their cars into the market the way the foreign auto makers can. Why? Because some swingin dick off the street can walk onto the assembly line with nothing more than an elementary education for $18/hr plus full benefits to push a button or turn a couple screws. That’s the STARTING wage. While most of the Asian auto makers have plants in America they do this to avoid an AMAZINGLY large tariff placed on foreign manufacturers that do not have a working plant in the US. So by building an entire line of cars in one plant in Tennessee or any other “right to work” state, allows them to import 10 other lines of cars without paying a tariff and thus price their shit so competitively low that the US auto makers can’t keep up. The overhead in payroll and pensions and health care alone make it near impossible for us to price in the range of Kia and Toyota or Honda.
The children at the UAW don’t understand this, all they want is “more more more”. They say this whole thing is about “job security”, but as far as I can see, and hope, is that they just shot themselves in the foot. While I make great money delivering pizzas if GM offered me $13/hr plus minimum benefits to jump on their line, guess who’d be turning a screw or pushing a button? This guy. It’d be a pay cut, but I’d have benefits and weekends off.
All I have to say is, Ron Gettelfinger I thank you for helping deal this death knell to the one organization that has been slowly killing this region over the last 6 years due to their collective greed and gross incompetence. You sir, are a true American. Plus, when all these assholes finally lose their jobs the housing market alone will explode even more than it is. While this will drive housing prices lower in some regions but hey, this will allow first time home buyers a chance to own at a lower price in a better area. Man, I wish everybody had my crystal ball, the world would be a great place then. Anyhow, fuck the UAW, if GM wants to hire me in an Allan Pinkerton-esque role, I would be more than happy to appease. Viva Detroit!
UAW President Ron Gettelfinger said the union launched the strike after "one-sided negotiations" failed to reach an agreement.
"It was going to be General Motors' way at the expense of the workers," Gettelfinger said. "The company walked right up to the deadline like they really didn't care."
Workers walked off the job and began picketing Monday outside GM plants after the 11 a.m. UAW strike deadline passed. The UAW has 73,000 members who work for GM at 82 U.S. facilities, including assembly and parts plants and warehouses.
Included in the negotiations was a groundbreaking provision establishing a UAW-managed trust that will administer GM's retiree health care obligations. GM pushed hard for the trust - known as a Voluntary Employees Beneficiary Association, or VEBA - so it could move $51 billion in unfunded retiree health costs off its books. GM has nearly 339,000 retirees and surviving spouses.
"This strike is not about the VEBA in any way shape or form," Gettelfinger said at an afternoon news conference in Detroit.
"The No. 1 issue here is job security," Gettelfinger later said, adding that the union also was fighting to preserve workers' benefits.
Gettelfinger said the union and GM's management would return to the table later Monday.
GM spokesman Dan Flores said the automaker was disappointed in the UAW's decision to call a national strike.
"The bargaining involves complex, difficult issues that affect the job security of our U.S. work force and the long-term viability of the company," he said. "We remain fully committed to working with the UAW to develop solutions together to address the competitive challenges facing GM."
It remained to be seen what effect the strike would have on the automaker and consumers. The company has sufficient stocks of just about every product to withstand a short strike, according to Tom Libby, senior director of industry analysis for J.D. Power and Associates.
Worker Anita Ahrens burst into tears as hundreds of United Auto Workers streamed out of a GM plant in Janesville, Wis.
"Oh my God, here they come," said Ahrens, 39. "This is unreal."
Ahrens has seven years at the plant, where she works nights installing speakers in sport utility vehicles. She waited outside the building Monday for her husband, Ron Ahrens, who has worked there for 21 years.
The couple has three children, including a college freshman, and Ahrens worried about how they would pay their bills.
"This is horrible, but we're die-hard union, so we have to," Ahrens said. "We got a mortgage, two car payments and tons of freaking bills."
Gettelfinger said he believed the UAW's leadership owed "our membership an answer as to why they're out there."
"This is as serious as anything that any of us do," he said. "There's not one person on this stage ... that wanted to see these negotiations end in a strike. Who wins in a strike? But again, you can be pushed off a cliff, and that's what we feel like happened here."
Despite the strike, GM stock rose a penny to $34.95 in midday trading.” Taken from WXYZ.com
-
I have popped off about the unions before. Anyone who has read me long enough knows my stance. For any new readers unaware of my stance on most labor unions and the UAW specifically, I am a wonderful mix of Andrew Carnegie and Allan Pinkerton. For my overseas readers that means I am violently opposed to them and wish them great bodily harm resulting in death and or dismemberment.
So today I turned on the TV to have what I thought was going to be a severe weather alert or amber alert crawling across the screen. Instead it was informing that the over paid whiney bitches of the UAW have initiated a nationwide strike. The funny/great/amusing thing is that they did this at the most inopportune time to make their point. The Michigan unemployment rate as of August was at 7.4% which is a .4% increase for the year, with a combined loss of 56,000 jobs over the past year (source). This is what happens when people with a high school education at best are put in charge of a labor union. What they fail to realize is that there is a glut of people willing to do their jobs for much less than they the union lazy asses are being paid. If GM is smart, they will simply cut their losses, break from the union, and hire all scab labor. Tell everyone who wants to come back to fuck off. They made their bed, time to lay in it.
GM has been steadily losing market share over the years due to the fact they can’t price their cars into the market the way the foreign auto makers can. Why? Because some swingin dick off the street can walk onto the assembly line with nothing more than an elementary education for $18/hr plus full benefits to push a button or turn a couple screws. That’s the STARTING wage. While most of the Asian auto makers have plants in America they do this to avoid an AMAZINGLY large tariff placed on foreign manufacturers that do not have a working plant in the US. So by building an entire line of cars in one plant in Tennessee or any other “right to work” state, allows them to import 10 other lines of cars without paying a tariff and thus price their shit so competitively low that the US auto makers can’t keep up. The overhead in payroll and pensions and health care alone make it near impossible for us to price in the range of Kia and Toyota or Honda.
The children at the UAW don’t understand this, all they want is “more more more”. They say this whole thing is about “job security”, but as far as I can see, and hope, is that they just shot themselves in the foot. While I make great money delivering pizzas if GM offered me $13/hr plus minimum benefits to jump on their line, guess who’d be turning a screw or pushing a button? This guy. It’d be a pay cut, but I’d have benefits and weekends off.
All I have to say is, Ron Gettelfinger I thank you for helping deal this death knell to the one organization that has been slowly killing this region over the last 6 years due to their collective greed and gross incompetence. You sir, are a true American. Plus, when all these assholes finally lose their jobs the housing market alone will explode even more than it is. While this will drive housing prices lower in some regions but hey, this will allow first time home buyers a chance to own at a lower price in a better area. Man, I wish everybody had my crystal ball, the world would be a great place then. Anyhow, fuck the UAW, if GM wants to hire me in an Allan Pinkerton-esque role, I would be more than happy to appease. Viva Detroit!
16 September 2007
Marriage and the Modern Drunkard.
So last night was a wedding. While I missed the ceremony due to other commitments I did not however miss the reception. And what a reception it was. The plethora of hot women was grossly offset by the fact that they were all taken. The bride looked beautiful, but then again, when don’t brides look beautiful? Well, I guess if you’re a fat ugly girl there’s little to no chance of you looking beautiful on your wedding night. So, sucks to be a fat ugly girl, luckily, this was not the case.
Anyhow, the wedding was for a couple of people we bowled with last year and they invited a bunch of people from the league. Now, I know I’ve spoke of this league before as it is my annual drinking league in which we all get cruises or trips to Vegas. It’s a fun league and a very, very, active beer league. Anyhow, what this is leading is the debauchery that went down. First of all they placed the three tables of league people right up next to the bar. Smart couple they are… I think they’re gonna make. Lucky kids.
So we all realize that hey, we’re all here, let the shenanigans begin. I got up to the bar and noticed that the scotch on hand was not Lauders, or Cutty Sark, but in fact Dewar’s White Label (I still maintain that Dewar’s is pronounced DeWHAR’s, not dooers). Not top shelf, but not J&B either. So, I order scotch, rocks. And I’m pretty sure by the end of the night I had finished the bottle. I know I was the only one drinking off the bottle as it was easy to note my progress every time he poured me a glass. I’m pretty sure he emptied the bottle on me at last call. Then, I’m pretty sure he gave me a pitcher of beer. I only say pretty sure because by this time I start only having vague recollections. I know I stole a centerpiece because it was a giant, and I mean GIANT, margarita glass. I know I poured said pitcher of beer into said giant margarita glass and somehow wound up with a crazy straw hat and novelty oversized sunglasses on my personage while walking around drinking beer from a giant glass.
So we were all up at the bar at various (read: most) times and we started doing shots. Oh, shots. How we love thee. Anyhow, for some reason the groom and best man (twin brothers) seemed to love to do shots of Captain. This is not a shooting rum. I did a couple with them before telling the bartender that I would in fact be drinking shots of John Daniels. I believe that someone asked in horror after the first Captain shot, if I was indeed chasing that shot with straight scotch. I replied in the affirmative and Joe C. heard me say this, so when I followed up a shot of jack with, “ahh yes, a shot of jack and a scotch chaser” so as to, you know, make myself look like a better drunk than the rest of the drunks, Joe C. promptly called me out with, “wow, that’s the fourth time I’ve heard that tonight”. It was the second by the way, and the first was said about Captain, not Jack. Ass.
So after many, many more shots it was time to leave. I was so drunk at this point that I actually turned down a trip to the bar. It was only midnight or so, but I knew well enough that I was well enough. Got home, grabbed a beer, made some sausage and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I woke up at 5 am with 5 missed calls and as many voice mails and some shit show on W.E. about some ass couple renewing their vows. Maybe I’m old school, but I would think vows aren’t something you need to renew. They’re not a license plate, they’re promises. So you’re going to re-promise a promise? Why not just keep the original fucking promise you assheads! Don’t make a promise you don’t intend to keep then re-promise the same fucking promises you broke you dipshits. The show sent me into a half passed out drunken rage so I turned it off, listened to voicemails, returned some calls, at 5:30 in the AM. Yeah, I’m that guy. Then went to bed and passed out again. I love weddings.
Anyhow, the wedding was for a couple of people we bowled with last year and they invited a bunch of people from the league. Now, I know I’ve spoke of this league before as it is my annual drinking league in which we all get cruises or trips to Vegas. It’s a fun league and a very, very, active beer league. Anyhow, what this is leading is the debauchery that went down. First of all they placed the three tables of league people right up next to the bar. Smart couple they are… I think they’re gonna make. Lucky kids.
So we all realize that hey, we’re all here, let the shenanigans begin. I got up to the bar and noticed that the scotch on hand was not Lauders, or Cutty Sark, but in fact Dewar’s White Label (I still maintain that Dewar’s is pronounced DeWHAR’s, not dooers). Not top shelf, but not J&B either. So, I order scotch, rocks. And I’m pretty sure by the end of the night I had finished the bottle. I know I was the only one drinking off the bottle as it was easy to note my progress every time he poured me a glass. I’m pretty sure he emptied the bottle on me at last call. Then, I’m pretty sure he gave me a pitcher of beer. I only say pretty sure because by this time I start only having vague recollections. I know I stole a centerpiece because it was a giant, and I mean GIANT, margarita glass. I know I poured said pitcher of beer into said giant margarita glass and somehow wound up with a crazy straw hat and novelty oversized sunglasses on my personage while walking around drinking beer from a giant glass.
So we were all up at the bar at various (read: most) times and we started doing shots. Oh, shots. How we love thee. Anyhow, for some reason the groom and best man (twin brothers) seemed to love to do shots of Captain. This is not a shooting rum. I did a couple with them before telling the bartender that I would in fact be drinking shots of John Daniels. I believe that someone asked in horror after the first Captain shot, if I was indeed chasing that shot with straight scotch. I replied in the affirmative and Joe C. heard me say this, so when I followed up a shot of jack with, “ahh yes, a shot of jack and a scotch chaser” so as to, you know, make myself look like a better drunk than the rest of the drunks, Joe C. promptly called me out with, “wow, that’s the fourth time I’ve heard that tonight”. It was the second by the way, and the first was said about Captain, not Jack. Ass.
So after many, many more shots it was time to leave. I was so drunk at this point that I actually turned down a trip to the bar. It was only midnight or so, but I knew well enough that I was well enough. Got home, grabbed a beer, made some sausage and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I woke up at 5 am with 5 missed calls and as many voice mails and some shit show on W.E. about some ass couple renewing their vows. Maybe I’m old school, but I would think vows aren’t something you need to renew. They’re not a license plate, they’re promises. So you’re going to re-promise a promise? Why not just keep the original fucking promise you assheads! Don’t make a promise you don’t intend to keep then re-promise the same fucking promises you broke you dipshits. The show sent me into a half passed out drunken rage so I turned it off, listened to voicemails, returned some calls, at 5:30 in the AM. Yeah, I’m that guy. Then went to bed and passed out again. I love weddings.
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