17 July 2007

A Pran of Kingles

So for the past week I have been in Canadialand doing what I do best, drinking and golf. Well, I don’t do golf well, but I drink like a champ so I think the two of them offset. It was a pretty rad week with some highlights and lowlights. When I showed up Saturday evening, my cousin had already broken his heel by playing a great game they invented called “super sweet catch the Frisbee and jump in the pool football game”. I’m not all that up on the rules but the descriptive name pretty much tells all. There’s a Frisbee, and a football, and a pool and super sweet catches. Well, he didn’t make the catch, and apparently he decided to try to land on his feet… in hindsight it was a bad idea.

So I show up and he’s already a gimp. But it’s all good cuz Saturday night was to be his “super sweet 23” bash at one of the local bars. We show up to the bar and they had a couple of girls from “kokanee beer”. The beer is apparently made from glacier water which gives it that crisp finish. At least that’s what the girls kept saying every time I tried hitting on them. Anyhow, they would give me a free beer and stamp my hand, so I would of course lick my hand and wipe it on my shorts and go back for another beer. Bitches wanna give me some glacier rhetoric when I am clearly leering at their tits and commenting on their asses, then I’m gonna take em for all the free beer they’re worth. Which apparently is a lot. So the cousin did a whole ton of dancing on a gimp foot which of course did nothing to help it heal. And at some point a cab was called and then there was late night drunken conversation outside some poor soul’s cabin.

Sunday was a day of golf and drinking. Which is pretty much everyday up there. Monday was beer pong day and a day of moving. You see, at the lodge there are all kinds of cabins, and usually my brother and I have to share a bed in a one room cabin with our parents. That is until members of our party leave early. So this year, for the first time, the three boys wound up in a cabin together. My brother, my cousin and myself… that cabin will never be the same again. The first night there, spurred a late night game of beer pong. At one point it started raining but we’re hardcore, so we kept on playing. If you’ve never played beer pong in the rain I highly suggest it. It’s a lot harder than you’d think. I mean in normal beer pong you don’t have to compensate for the elements. Wind, rain, in the dark of night, that is where you separate the men from the boys. So as I’m standing there single handedly owning these guys (my brother was so drunk he couldn’t even hit the table) the fucking power goes out. We were standing under a street light so we could see… and then the Canadian power company shut off our fun. Or did they? Nope. We pulled out cell phones as makeshift lighting. Yeah, like I said, we’re pretty fuckin’ hard core. So my cousin shows back up with an ugly chick and a gay guy and then proceeds to take the ugly chick inside and bang the ever loving snot out of her. The party wrapped up and I headed in only to find that my room was occupied by the sexers. So I did my civic duty, I jumped in the shower and attempted a “cable guy*”. She wasn’t having it, so I went and crashed in Cousin’s bed. Damn her.

(* “cable guy” is the term used when someone tries to enter into a threesome uninvited but hopes to be invited. Derived from bad porno when the cable repairman would walk in on a couple having sex and then the girl would start sucking his dick. Yeah, good times.)

So the next day my cousin got a birthday blowjob (it was his actual birthday on Tuesday) from one of the girls he was banging last summer, and she is quite hot. Annoying, shady, but hot. Tuesday was a good night. I learned how to play “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game”, which, I have to say is pretty super sweet. Are you sensing a theme yet? So in the middle of “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game” my brother and this chick disappear into his room. The walls are thin and we hear all. Cousin decides to pull a “cable guy” and even throws in “iss zere problem mit deine kable.” And the motherfucker was successful. So to recap in the past 24 hours, he bangs an uggo, I get shot down for a “cable guy” he gets a birthday hummer from a hot chick, and pulls a successful cable guy. Damn him. Damn him to hell.

So the next few days and nights are all the same what with golf and drinking and my brother banging one girl, and my cousin banging two others, and me jerking off into a sock. On the upside I learned a great new drinking game. Well, really two great new drinking games that are far beyond the ordinary drinking games. I actually call the one a drunking game. There are not too many ways one can leave that game still sober. Unless you cheat, or don’t drink. Seriously, it’s called “electricity” and it is the single greatest and simplest drinking game ever. EVER. Just don’t let my Cousin hear that cuz he still swears up and down that “super sweet crazy eights countdown drinking game” is the best ever, but that’s just because he created it. Anyhow, on the last night I had to defend my beer pong crown, and I did so successfully. CUZ I AM ALL THAT IS MAN! Or something. I just need to work on my “cable guy” skills. Heh. Anyhow, Sunday I learned that my body was not used to playing golf everyday at 8 am, and partying till 3:30am. I was sore as fuck. And now, now I just want to see my bartender. I miss my bartender.
funny shit heard this week:

Brother (drunk off his ass): where’s my pran of kingles!?
Me: your what?
Brother: my pran of kingles?
Me: what the fuck are you talking about?
Brother: (reaching down and grabbing a can of Pringles) this! bitch!
Butch: can you grab my golf ball?
Me: yeah. No. wait, a cow just ate it.
Butch: hahaha, funny.
Me: no, I’m serious, the cow is chewing on your ball now.
Butch: are you serious? (pulls up just in time to see the cow spit out his ball) yeah, we’ll just leave that one.
Me: Matt, your new name is Rhonda.
Matt: Why Rhonda?
Me: Cuz that’s the rule I’m making. Your name is now Rhonda, Rhonda.
Rhonda: Dude! That’s gay.
Everybody: Shut it Rhonda.


zen wizard said...

When a cow eats your golf ball, do you take a Mulligan? Or a

Stickler said...

I'm so caling my friend rhonda next time we go out drinking and making it a rule!

Chud don't worry I guarentee that your boys got the herps from those girls and you have lucked out in evading them!

Stepho said...

"Did someone order a pizza? Oops....I tripped and got some sauce on my shirt...I'll have to take it off. What? You don't have any cash? Well, maybe there's another way you can pay for this pizza..."


"Oops! Looks like I forgot my panties..."

Ah, the classics.
Although, I get the feeling that if I were the Pizza Girl in this skit, somewhere off to the side I'd hear you yelling "LADIES WEAR PANTS!" at me.

Kezza said...

Oh man, I've had some totally nutso drinking epics in the past, but none with golf! I don't know how the hell you can get away with it, my liver would have filed for divorce by now!

I'd love it if you could post some of you drinking (and drunking) games one day so that all the viewers at home can play along!

Rev said...

So, yeah...When cable guy got shot down, did you try for pizza guy? What about plumber?

Not that I'd have any reason to think you might attempt different 'characters' when the first gets shut down....

zen wizard said...

When you said cable guy, I was thinking THE Cable Guy; and that "move" would be to fix your pseudo-friend up with a hooker and then burst in and take pictures while they are in flagrante delicto.

Drunken Chud said...

zen... zen... (shakes head)...

stickler, it's fun for all. except the guy being called rhonda. cuz no one remembers his real name and we were introducing him to people as rhonda. ahh good times.

stepho... off to the side? what? you were delivering pizza to my house. duh.

kezza i will definately try to post the rules. but without playing it, the rules seem a lot harder than they are.

rev, i walked in wearing a towel that was too small, all the characters would have been the same. i walked in and pretended i didn't know they were in my room. when i heard a voice, i acted "shocked" and then nonchalantly asked, "ya need a hand?". bitch shot me down. dammit.

yeah zen, i pretended to walk away from their door then ran and tried to bust it down, while yelling "caaaaaable guuuuy!"

Rev said...

Ah, the famous Chud-in-a-towel move.

I rememeber that one.

Kristin said...

I don't get it. No loving for Chud? So not super sweet.

zen wizard said...

I clearly need to get out more often--and go to theaters that you wear a black raincoat to.

Drunken Chud said...

rev, it's a solid move. worked more than once.

K, not so super sweet indeed. indeed.

zen, you don't have to wear a raincoat. you can just go au natural.

Eve said...

Um, once my cousin showed me his penis when he was three.

The end.

Oh, and hurray for Canadian beer!

Drunken Chud said...

eve... good story. heh. i love me some canadian beer. it's generally all i drink. what with being only 20 minutes from the border and having canadian beers priced the same as domestics in most places.

zen wizard said...

Does it help to cue up the obligatory, Seventies jazz, "Boom Chakka Wow Wow"-soundtrack at the appropriate moment when executing the "cable guy maneuver"?

The script would read:

Cable Guy: I'm here to fix your cable...but HIS cable looks like it's working fine.

Taylor Wayne: Why don't you try putting YOUR cable in a different 'channel'?"

Cable Guy: You sure know how to get free HBO!!


Boom chakka wow wow/Chakka wow wow/Boom chakka wow wow/Chakka wow wow...etc.

Scooter said...

Do erotic actors get paid scale?

Stickler said...

yes, in fact they are part of a union. They also have a part of their contract that states that they do not need to show up and will still be paid!

I hate erotic actors!

Drunken Chud said...

you know zen, i've never tried that approach. i usually use the "get really hammered" style of cable guy. maybe i should set the mood as i walk through the door with a soundtrack. damn my shortsightedness.

scooter, they get paid porn scale if they're not a headliner. which is not as much as you'd think. it's the royalties where they make the money.

stickler, you only hate erotic actors because you're not one. right?

Stickler said...

Chud, In fact Porn scale is as much as you think it is, it is over 1500 a day. So they aren't doing so badly. And yes, I hate them because I am not one, but their is a porn director who lives on my block and one of these days I am going to convince him to make me his porn AD or at least put me in his porn!

Malady said...

I'd love to know how to play some of your drinking / drunking games too Chuddy - c'mon, educate us!

Drunken Chud said...

stickler, i've heard figures much lower than that. from porn stars. and i mean much lower.

malady, i will work on a post involving some of these games.

Scooter said...

Hmm... a porn 401K, porn dental...

I don't think the porn union will ever fuck itself over like the auto union did...

After all, porn is SKILLED labor...

zen wizard said...

What would a porn union's policy be on something like High Definition?

I hear the actresses don't like it because it shows too many stretch marks, cellulite, etc.

I mean, High Definition would seem to fly in the face of the traditionalist, soft-focus, Guccione School of porn.

zen wizard said...

The DUDES in straight porn would not seem to have as much negotiating leverage.

I mean, if I was the producer, I would stifle all negotiations with one phrase:

"You're screwing Jenna Jameson for free! You're lucky YOU don't have to pay ME! As a matter of fact, here's my car keys; get it washed and waxed between takes, pretty boy!!"

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud, I am extending an open, cable-guy invitation the next time I'm doing an ugly chick.

Drunken Chud said...

society of pornography overdubbers organizers gaffers and entertainers or SPOOGE for short has a great dental plan. but the 401k matching leaves something to be desired there scooter.

i think the actors union would be upset, but the makeup artists union would be primed and ready to show their stuff. and as for the jenna jamison argument, you're not always banging her, sometimes you have to blow out bella donna's asshole, and that's just not right. you need hazard pay for that shit.

thanks ken. thanks. that means a lot to me.

zen wizard said...

Heh, heh--SPOOGE--that's pretty good--

I rented this one "behind the scenes" movie of one of Jenna Jameson's more lavish movies--I can't remember WHY; let's just say my life is not that exciting right now.

It's hard to tell for sure--and of course not that I really give a crap--but her make-up team appeared to be gayer than the crepes at a Sunday Brunch on Castro Street.

I mean, it is probably a violation of SPOOGE policy to "out" anyone.

And just because you are, say, "Nipple tweaker" or "Asshole powderer" on a porn set would not NECESSARILY make you gay, but...I just have not met that many guys in stripper bars getting a lap dance and they told me they were an "Asshole stray-hair waxer" and a member of SPOOGE, and they were working on "I Dream of Jenna 2."

zen wizard said...

I contacted a SPOOGE representative, and they told me that until the Amateur Home Video Production Crisis is resolved--perhaps through Congressional intervention--the 3% match on contributions of up to 6% on 401K contributions have been temporarily suspended.

SPOOGE members are advised to "invest" in "a really cool purple motorcycle."

Drunken Chud said...

"appeared to be gayer than the crepes at a Sunday Brunch on Castro Street." ok, that line had me giggling like a girl. not that i've ever been to castro street, or had crepes, or really brunch for that matter, the visual it paints is gold i tell ya. as for the purple motorcycle... solid investment tool. solid.

zen wizard said...

Well, as long as you order something "butch"--like I usually say, "Filet mignon; extra rare--and a raw egg on the side, with a shot of whiskey. I'll mix it myself..." and you get out of the Castro District by sundown, I contend that your hetero "cherry" is still in tact.

Of course, I also have this theory that if you fly to Australia and have gay sex, then get back on the plane IMMEDIATELY and fly back to America--you are still straight, because you just had gay sex IN THE FUTURE...

Being Jenna Jameson's nipple tweaker--the guy that runs out and tweaks her nipples so that they are hard for the next take--might be a straight guy job. I mean, a straight guy could probably pull it off; it is sort of the equivalent of the "fluffer" in gang bang movies.

I am sure the SPOOGE bylaws have something to say on this issue.

Steph said...

You are off the richter crazy! Your life is like one continuous frat party. How are you still alive?

Drunken Chud said...

zen... i was a nipple tweaker for 2 days on set. horrible job. you get to play with titties, then watch some dude bang the bitch. not cool.

steph, i don't know how i'm still alive. but it's not like your life is any less like a frat party. though, minus the frat part and plus the sorority part.

Scooter said...

I've met Chud. I've had Chud over. Chud is a friend of mine. The man is built like a bunker.

Beer, cigarettes, and hard liquor have no chance of bringing him down.

Shit, I'm iffy about a fucking stinger missile.

joe said...


Enjoy fucker.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I just watched the video on your other site with the head-to-head Super Mario Brothers, and I'm ashamed that a game that took me quite a while to beat as a kid took them six and a half minutes w/out losing any lives.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

It's been a month. Post, fucker.