28 August 2007

Why I hate the French…

let me count the ways; First off, nothing original has ever come from France. The French are the BASF of the planet, simply put, they don’t make things, they just make things better… ish. Second off the French have no spirit, no will to live, no honor. Think I’m lying? When was the last time the French won a war? They can’t even beat themselves. Filthy baguette eating smelly mime loving faggots. I don’t use faggot in the derogatory “gay” term… nay, I use it in the much more sinister derogatory “French” term.

What has sent me into such a tizzy about the goddamned surrender monkeys (read: French)? Simply put, I got home from the bar and decided to play a video game that may or may not be named after a famous military style author and his recon team that may or may not be named ghosts and they may or may not be advanced war fighters and this may or may not be the second installment of such a game. So… in trying to find an online game to play in I kept landing in a room that was hosted and populated by Frenchmen. They kept talking in frenchish and I laughed, and taunted. Now, here is where the shit gets fun: instead of starting the game and straight up owning my ass in game, with bullets, they completely kicked my ass out of the lobby for calling them surrender monkeys. Thus furthering my opinion of the frogs as a pampered, hard bread eating, unwashed, hairy, smelly, ‘orriblay aksone avin’, bad film making legion of dullards who couldn’t turn a clever phrase in English if they were paid, prompted, and coached to do so. Oh, thanks for the statue by the way… she looks like a man.

Where was I going with this? I don’t know. But I hate the French. They anger me, and make want to commit homicide. Why? Cuz faggoty cheese, wine and bread isn’t enough to make them interesting. Nay… they are the antithesis of interesting, they are in fact overtly dull and overly pompous. Besides, what is that accent? All other romance languages have decent accents that don’t sound like you have “cock in mouth” syndrome, which is pretty much all I can picture when I hear a Frenchy speak English. Does all this make me Frenchist? You’re goddamn right it does. Fuck those whiney crescent baking soufle’ making gaywads. I guess since I have no clue where I’m going with this all I can say is: fuck the French.

38 comments:

Kristin said...

Great timing. I leave Friday for a week in Provence with wine, cheese and accents. I know I'll be thinking about this on the way.

zen wizard said...

Next time you see them, tell them you want to play, "Dien Bien Phu."

(Ooh--there is acid in this keyboard today!)

I was thinking how the French are totally worthless, but it would be really cool to propose to a bitch on top of the Eiffel Tower someday.

The real Eiffel Tower has a certain "je ne sais quoi"; but NOT sais-ing quoi is ALSO overrated. What if I WANT TO "sais quoi"? Sometimes, I like to say stuff like, "I know why I like that place--'cuz they have a wide-screen TV."

And now that they have a fake, polypropelene tower in Vegas, it would be cheaper and faster to just propose to her there.

And there would be less stuckup Frenchmen there. And less people talking French. And less French policemen in those doofy hats. And somebody might actually say, "Thank you" after you gave him a tip.

Oh--one last thing: I can't prove it without a time machine; but being a poor American novelist in Paris in 1921 who can only afford a croissant a day while he is living in an attic and writing the Great American Novel in Paris was probably ALSO overrated.

In fact, it sounds like it would kind of suck.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wow. No posts in over a month, and you come right out of the gate with some well-written, Frech-hating. Now that you mention it, they do sound like they have schlongs in their mouths.

Scooter said...

Wow. Gee, Chud. Tell us how you really feel. Tell me, were they actual French, or were they Quebecois, or as I call them, French lite?

Stepho said...

What about French onion soup? That's not so bad.

Eve said...

Dude, I have to stand up for the French here.

The cheese is fucking amazing, and the wine? Are you kidding me?

Art. (All those painters PLUS expats like Hemingway, Miller, etc. who were inspired in Paris.)

Chocolate croissants.

Again, wine.

French kissing. Now, I know they can't claim that, but seriously, how do you think it got that name?

Pantyhose with a seam up the back. So hot.

There are shitty things too, but so what? Have you ever been to the redneck riviera?

Drunken Chud said...

kristin, i hope you just break into a chuckle every now and then.

zen, i actually prefer to say it in american, and people don't get it. they think je ne sais quoi means "something special, or unique". only a couple people laugh at me when i say... it has a certain... i don't know what. but the secret is, I DO know what. heh.

ken, see... and that's all you're gonna think about next time you're talking to a french girl. your schlong in her mouth.

scooter, pretty sure they were french french. it was 4 am here, so that would put at 9-10 am over there. usually that late at night all you get is overseas people and drunkards. guess which i am?

stepho i don't think french onion soup is from frenchland. i think they call it that to make you think it has class. really, it just smells and tastes like onions.

eve, i understand your passion for wine, but seriously, italian wines are much better, and for that matter california has some great wines too. and cheese, same with italy. art... meh, i'll take my spanish and italian artists. less pretentious and more advanced. and the pantyhose with the seam up the back... so very fucking hot. is that really a french thing? see i told you, they didn't invent the hose, they just made the hose better. fuckin' BASF.

Eve said...

Oh no you didn't!

Italian cheese?! Better than French cheese?! Seriously, that is preposterous!!!

Brie, Camembert, a million kinds of chevre, triple creme, bleu d'auvergne, rocquefort, cantal, comte, morbier, the tommes.

What does Italy have? Mozzarella? Parmesan? Asiago?!

And, seriously. French art? Come on. Van Gogh lived in France, as did Picasso, one of the most commercially successful artists of the 20th century. Not to mention actually French artists. Impressionists? Monet and Degas! Naked chicks? Cezanne! Surrealists? Matisse!

And what's a little pretension between friends? They're nationalistic! So what?

Drunken Chud said...

the italians love their hard cheeses. seriously, pecerino romano (sp?), parm and the ilk not to mention the soft cheeses that are now delegated to the greek. the guinneas bore cheese and the process, the french just frenchyfied it.

van gogh was duth, picasso was spanish, and really, if there were a french artist worth a damn there would be a ninja turtle named after him. there isn't. why? cuz they are unoriginal bastards who wish could paint whistler's mother but have the talent only to outline jabba the hut's aunt. seriously, what da vinci, sanzio, di Niccolo di Betto Bardi, and Buonarroti did for the arts and sciences, the french could only hope to achieve. by the way, they never did. why? cuz they are a borrowed languafe of a borrowed people of a true civilization. yet they think they are true blood of the ancients. sadly, they are the retarded offspring of the spanish royals who couldn't cut it as spaniards. silly frogs. someday they'll all go away.

Drunken Chud said...

duth = dutch and languafe = language. pardon my fat drunken fingers.

zen wizard said...

All other Europeans should take a cue from the English, and learn English.

An Englishman diligently studies English, knowing he might have to talk to an American someday--and tell him how much stuff costs (like insuring your Johnson against non-specific urithritis at Lloyd's of London, if you are a Rock star); where stuff that Americans want to see--like Buckingham Palace--is; and which way the American should point the cannons if the Germans start goose-stepping again (or wearing pointy, dickhead helmets).

The Englishman ends up speaking English with a distinct English accent, but here's the point: At least he tried!

It is heartwarming to visit England: There, you will see some English kids as young as four-years-old attempting to construct English sentences and conjugate English verbs: Even a FOUR-YEAR-OLD in England knows how important talking to Americans is!!

England's accomadating attitude towards the English language is, in fact, the kind of pro-Americanism the world needs more of today.

Drunken Chud said...

see zen, i knew you had it in you. heh.

english: 380 million native speakers

spanish: 358million native speakers

arabic: 186 million native speakers

portuguese: 170 million native speakers

german: 100 million native speakers

french: 72million native speakers

esperanto: a few thousand native speakers.

of all the great empires of the last few centuries... the french simply don't cut it. england, a tiny little nothing country managed to spread its tentacles further than anyone. spain didn't do so bad either. hell even portugal owned the shit out france. so i guess what i'm saying is that as a cultural and global influence, france is somewhere above esperanto... barely.

of course the obligitory: chinese: 1.3 billion native speakers. yeah, we got pwn3d.

Eve said...

You're right about the ninja turtles. I see your point now.

Eve said...

Also, they invented absinthe.

Take that!

Drunken Chud said...

it was invented by a frenchman in switzerland... i'll give you that. but it was not created IN france... so... only half credit. heh.

Rev said...

Well, if not for the French being pretentious dicks, Napoleon wouldn't have kicked so much ass in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Other than that...fuck em.

zen wizard said...

I should interject that Napoleon developed the first intercontinental communication system with the semaphore signal system.

Of course, he used it to broadcast his homicidal/megalomanical intentions over the whole continent, and not to play the Top Forty hits or try to get a movie star to take her top off like Howard Stern.

But still...

Napoleon also took a bath EVERY DAY in an age where even royalty only took a bath once a month.

(Curiously, like being a world power, the French have not really carried on that last thing too well...)

Drunken Chud said...

rev, bonerparts is but one man. one man does not kick ass country make.

zen... uhh... how is semaphore intercontinental? isn't that the maritime flag wavey signaling system? i mean, i guess if you're standing on the border of europe and asia it could be...

Rev said...

No, but in his case, one shitty country did a man make...or however the fuck that should be phrased.

I hate the french, too...I was just pointing out that Napoleon rocked in San Dimas

Rev said...

Oh, and what the fuck is wrong with the slants?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldn5m-vMLwA

Eve said...

*shakes fist*

Steph said...

But they invented the "French Kiss" aka porno pashing!!! Shame on your chuddy? You don't like a bit of tongue action????

Drunken Chud said...

rev... yeah, i was agreeing. and now i secretly want a mastercheif costume. though, now not so secret.

eve, when you shake your fist, are you internally yelling "curses!"? cuz i think you should.

steph, i love the porno pash. however, i refuse to believe that this does not predate the surrender monkeys. just as i feel french fries, french cuffs, french toast, and french bread pizza are not true exports of france.

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Drunken Chud said...

that is the single greatest piece of spam evar! i don't even want to delete it. heh... he said titbottom.

joe said...

Wow. He did.

Teh awesomez.

zen wizard said...

Geez--"Hamilton" sure has a lot of spare time since he broke up with Joe Frank and Reynolds!

UBERMOUTH said...

I think your protests to the contrary really hide an obsessisve love for the French, you francophile.

zen wizard said...

French guys prove my theory that women don't like excessive hygiene.

They are always getting laid even though they are butt-ugly and don't take baths very often.

(Except, as I noted supra, Nappy--who took a bath every day in the 18th Century...)

I remember when I lived way out in the country in this house that the guy who wrote "Dust in the Wind" built (another story).

The water heater was always freezing up, so I had to take an "Elvis Bath" (Stand by the kitchen sink in the middle of winter and splash your pits with soap and ice-cold water, then wear liberal amounts of "Eau de Whorehouse" Cologne.)

Whenever that happened, every woman that I worked with said, "You smell GREAT today!"

Maybe when you smell bad women think you just got laid and want to steal you from the other woman; I don't know.

Rev said...

Furthermore, why the fuck do French people have to ruin american gangbang porn?

You ever try whacking it, only to have the moment ruined by some douchebag practically yelling "open eeeeet! open yur aaaaaaahhhhhssss!!"??!!? Seriously. This chick's got two cocks in her box, a HUGE plug in her ass, and all I can hear is this Maurice-LeChevalier-mohohoho dickhead, in place of what should've been young girl crying.

And earlier...downloaded a new video clip, and I've got Pepe Lepew saying "tell me you wehnt mah spehm." SPEHM? It caught me off guard, and I started laughing so hard I just about tore my cock off. And then, the fucker would'nt stop saying it until his spehm was all over the place. Good god, who finds these people sexy?

Fucking mood killers.

Spehm.

Drunken Chud said...

ubermouth... i rather think not. i truly have nothing but disdain for the country and culture.

zen, that just proves my point that women don't even know what women want.

rev... ... *blinking*... i got nothin'.

Scooter said...

On this day, I would like to point out, that not even the Jihadists have bothered to attack France.

Drunken Chud said...

that's because the jihadists know that would be akin to kicking a baby out of a stroller. sure, it might cry for its mother, but ultimately it is incapable of stopping you.

kinda takes the fun out of saber rattling.

zen wizard said...

rev makes a valid point--why do French porn stars make the actress VERBALIZE that she wants their dick?

I mean--she either wants your dick or she wants the check after it's over. Maybe both. But any other result I would think would de facto involve a police report and a battery charge.

Stop with the color commentary and forced dialogue, already, Yves Montand!

Women should be banged in solemn silence. The only acceptable soundtrack is Superfly-cum-Seventies jazz guitar with a Wah Wah amplifier distortion pedal.

Crabby said...

You called them surrender monkeys? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I have personal reasons for harboring a grudge against the French. One tricked me into eating deer meat. Told me it was ground chuck. I don't eat deer because they're too damn cute.

I got the last laugh on her and her french pals though. Threw up all over the table while they were still laughing at my shocked reaction to the news I'd just eaten deer meat. I told them, "One deer right back at cha." Then I left, "without" the date that took me. That asshole was in on the whole thing.

And that's more than you ever needed to know about me. LOL!

Drunken Chud said...

zen... you have a way with words my friend. a true way with words.

crabby, as a hunter, i love venison. however, "one deer right back at ya" when refuring a pile of hurl on a table... priceless.

Jacques Roux said...

Initially, I felt an instinctive call to arms to defend my francophile borthers against the slings and arrows of your scorn. But then I remembered, I hate EVERYONE!! And that includes the French. Especially the French. Why, because those arrogant roaylist bastards locked me up in a filthy insane asylum that doubled as a prison because they didn't want to listen to me spew my God-given hate speech throughout the rat infested, vomit soaked streets of that cess pool called Paris. As far as I'm concerned, those cock-gobbling cheese-niks can cram that silly Eiffel Tower right up their over bored poop chutes.

Viva la HATE!!!

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