16 September 2007

Marriage and the Modern Drunkard.

So last night was a wedding. While I missed the ceremony due to other commitments I did not however miss the reception. And what a reception it was. The plethora of hot women was grossly offset by the fact that they were all taken. The bride looked beautiful, but then again, when don’t brides look beautiful? Well, I guess if you’re a fat ugly girl there’s little to no chance of you looking beautiful on your wedding night. So, sucks to be a fat ugly girl, luckily, this was not the case.

Anyhow, the wedding was for a couple of people we bowled with last year and they invited a bunch of people from the league. Now, I know I’ve spoke of this league before as it is my annual drinking league in which we all get cruises or trips to Vegas. It’s a fun league and a very, very, active beer league. Anyhow, what this is leading is the debauchery that went down. First of all they placed the three tables of league people right up next to the bar. Smart couple they are… I think they’re gonna make. Lucky kids.

So we all realize that hey, we’re all here, let the shenanigans begin. I got up to the bar and noticed that the scotch on hand was not Lauders, or Cutty Sark, but in fact Dewar’s White Label (I still maintain that Dewar’s is pronounced DeWHAR’s, not dooers). Not top shelf, but not J&B either. So, I order scotch, rocks. And I’m pretty sure by the end of the night I had finished the bottle. I know I was the only one drinking off the bottle as it was easy to note my progress every time he poured me a glass. I’m pretty sure he emptied the bottle on me at last call. Then, I’m pretty sure he gave me a pitcher of beer. I only say pretty sure because by this time I start only having vague recollections. I know I stole a centerpiece because it was a giant, and I mean GIANT, margarita glass. I know I poured said pitcher of beer into said giant margarita glass and somehow wound up with a crazy straw hat and novelty oversized sunglasses on my personage while walking around drinking beer from a giant glass.

So we were all up at the bar at various (read: most) times and we started doing shots. Oh, shots. How we love thee. Anyhow, for some reason the groom and best man (twin brothers) seemed to love to do shots of Captain. This is not a shooting rum. I did a couple with them before telling the bartender that I would in fact be drinking shots of John Daniels. I believe that someone asked in horror after the first Captain shot, if I was indeed chasing that shot with straight scotch. I replied in the affirmative and Joe C. heard me say this, so when I followed up a shot of jack with, “ahh yes, a shot of jack and a scotch chaser” so as to, you know, make myself look like a better drunk than the rest of the drunks, Joe C. promptly called me out with, “wow, that’s the fourth time I’ve heard that tonight”. It was the second by the way, and the first was said about Captain, not Jack. Ass.

So after many, many more shots it was time to leave. I was so drunk at this point that I actually turned down a trip to the bar. It was only midnight or so, but I knew well enough that I was well enough. Got home, grabbed a beer, made some sausage and proceeded to pass the fuck out. I woke up at 5 am with 5 missed calls and as many voice mails and some shit show on W.E. about some ass couple renewing their vows. Maybe I’m old school, but I would think vows aren’t something you need to renew. They’re not a license plate, they’re promises. So you’re going to re-promise a promise? Why not just keep the original fucking promise you assheads! Don’t make a promise you don’t intend to keep then re-promise the same fucking promises you broke you dipshits. The show sent me into a half passed out drunken rage so I turned it off, listened to voicemails, returned some calls, at 5:30 in the AM. Yeah, I’m that guy. Then went to bed and passed out again. I love weddings.


Jacques Roux said...

Funny, I was just at a wedding myself last weekend. While I too got pretty shit faced, that's not the real funny part of it. The wedding was of two friends of mine who met due to an awesome mutual friend. Namely- me. I suspect that if it wasn't for me, they'd never have gotten together, fallen in love, and decided to commit one of the biggest mistakes known to modern man (i.e.: get hitched).

Funnier yet, I had a huge crush on the broad for a couple of years after I met her. I did eventually get over it, thank god. But the funniest thing...? He asked me to be the best man, then they BOTH asked me to officiate the whole affair!! That's right, I'm the one who performed the goddamed ceremony!!

By the time I get out of seminary, they'll be so sick of each other they'll be ready to kill somebody. Since she's already a member of the high priesthood, I'll end up representing him in the divorce proceedings. Now that's what I call one-stop shopping.

Fucking idiots...

Scooter said...

Jacques, you are just a bit bitter, eh?

Chud... Gazzu Cherry energy drink tastes like crap. It really does. I should have known, four 16 ounce cans for five dollars....

Stepho said...

Shooting CAPTAIN????


zen wizard said...

Wedding renewal ceremonies are probably a wedding planner conspiracy, the way "Boss' Day" is a Hallmark conspiracy.

Anything to get that kind of markup on rubber chicken.

I know there was a SONG called, "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer"--but I thought it was like racing on Dead Man's Curve and surfing at Wiamea Bay--they were just songs and nobody was crazy enough to really do it.

Eve said...

That sounds like fun!

And agreed on wedding renewals. It's like, what? The salad tongs I got you broke so you need new ones? Great. How about a "life is everything I expected it would be, so get me gifts" party? Yeah, great.

I just went to a wedding (#2 for my cousin) and it wasn't open bar. Can you fucking believe that? Make a bunch of people drag their asses to a remote mountaintop, and then don't even get them hammered! Unbelievable.

Drunken Chud said...

jaques, i agree with you that marriage is in fact a faulty institution that is heavily weighted in the benefit of the fairer sex. even though i have nothing, if i married tomorrow i would demand a prenup.

scooter... i don't think you need anymore energy drink.

stepho, yeah. just. yeah.

zen, i promise you that one bourbon, one scotch and one beer is in fact a great way to warm up for a good night. and chasing bourbon (or in this case tennesee sour mash whisky) with a scotch is quite tasty.

eve, if ever went to a wedding that was a cash bar i'd take my gift back and leave right after dinner. cheapskates. people want everybody to show up for their "special day" and then make you pay? i think the shitty songs and kids running around and lousy dancing makes me want to drink, and kick you in the shins if you make me pay.

Kristin said...

I haven't been to a wedding in ages. Actually, maybe a year this weekend. New Orleans. The next is in March, also New Orleans. As if the city needs any reason for a party.

zen wizard said...

It is strange that there were no single women at the wedding.

Weddings are to women what Viagra with a Spanish fly chaser are to men.

The only problem is that modernly, every swingin' dick knows that so a woman will give out her number like 15 times.

Unless she's a total skag....

Speaking of skags, WHY do they purposefully make the bridesmaids' dresses so skaggy?

You could put Angelina Jolie in a bridesmaid's dress, and she would look like a skag.

I mean, is there like a danger the groom will start shagging a bridesmaid in the middle of the ceremony, unless she looks like a total skag?? I have been to a lot of weddings, and I have never seen that happen...

If that is so important, why not make the bridesmaids wear gorilla masks or something? I mean, why just make them look like skags from the neck down?

Maybe a gorilla mask is extreme--but shouldn't they do something like get Courtney Love drunk and give her a 'lude and have her apply the bridesmaids' makeup?

If the bridesmaid is hot from the neck up, there is a danger that the groom will fantasize skull-f***ing them while they are wearing a poncho, I would think, and he might get a chubb in the middle of the ceremony or say the bridesmaid's name by mistake because he is fantasizing about skull-f***ing her.

(I am not sure a gay wedding planner is thinking of this contingency. Who can I get this revelation to? I won't rest until I start seeing weddings with five bridesmaids in gorilla masks...)

suicide_blond said...

a scotch chaser.. i love you...

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah? Well.

Crap. I forgot.

Stupid corn.

Hi from Inadianaiaana

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You're invited to my wedding, if I ever go down that hellish road again, and you're required to chase booze with other forms of booze.

Drunken Chud said...

kristin, i actually have my cruise this year bookended by weddings. sat. before the cruise is my cousin's wedding, fly out sunday, and go cruise, depart the boat the following saturday fly into chi town for my bestie's from college. i am so going broke.

zen, i was told there were... but apparently they all brought dates. damn skags.

suicide... i love you too. only more. yeah... i said it. what?

curt: god loves everclear.

dr. ken, that's how i do. anyhow, i'll be in the windy around may 20 latish. any hints tips, or women you can send my way. the only requirements are that they like fat guys. and that they like fat guys. that's all.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud, I'll let you pull the "cable guy" with whatever I pick up while you're in town.

zen wizard said...

A wedding with no single females--that was a rare occurrence, indeed.

I don't think I have experienced that recently.

Your strategy of getting 'faced was probably the only acceptable strategy in that regard.

Unless the bartender was hot...

Query: Can you pick up chicks at a lesbian wedding?

Has anyone ever done that?

I mean, not like on Friends; in real life?

Wouldn't even the biggest Rosie The Riveter/diesel dyke have at least a FEW hot female friends that were...well, maybe not straight, but switch-hitters?