29 January 2006

The Fairy Tale Ending

This was a post I had wanted to do a couple months ago just never got around to it. This past November my buddy Kurt and I went up north to go hunting. Now, deer camp is aptly nicknamed “beer camp” for a reason. Beer rhymes with deer. See? Good reason. So, allow me to set the stage:
Sunday night we head up north. Had to use a motel cuz my parents were being shitty about the cabin. We had just had a wicked bad storm that knocked out the power and a line was “down” allegedly. They were afraid we’d step on a live wire… blah blah blah. So anyhow, we get there Monday morning and unpack, and there were no downed wires. There was no power either. But that’s cuz the downed wires were elsewhere on the lake.
So it’s Monday, opening day is Tuesday. So we decide to get shitty drunk. After bullshitting about all kinds of goofy things and telling lies about the deer we’re going to kill it’s time for bed. Our cabin is an old style cabin with all timber interior. The walls for the bedrooms only go up about 7 1/2 feet. However the roof peaks well above that. So there is a lot of open air between the rooms. Which basically means that no sound goes unheard. This is a good thing, when you have no power, and are drunk, and decide that telling some form of story will be entertaining enough to possibly enable some sleep. However, I was shitty drunk. My story telling… has seen better days. But, as it has been regaled back to me, and as best I can remember, this is the story I told that night:

So there’s these three bears that live in a house. It’s not a very big house, but, it’s not really small either. I mean, it’s kinda small, but it’s only the three of them so they don’t need much house. They’re a close family.
So this chick is walking through the forest. She’s a hot slut with blonde hair and a cute little dress that just makes you wanna jump her right there. Her name was Goldilocks and she was a hot slut. So she’s walkin’ through the forest, and she’s hot. But it was a wig. And she’s hot. But she’s bitter, and resentful, cuz she was gang raped.
So the bears are chillin’ at their house when the dad bear says, “Let’s go do something, even if it’s wrong.” So they pile into their car and drive away. No, wait, there was some porridge or something, and it was way to hot for all of them. But really they hated the mom bears cooking and wanted an excuse for eating out. So they take off to go somewhere fun.
Along comes the hot slut. She sees the bear’s house and decides to break in. cuz that’s what hot sluts do. They break into your shit. So she eats some porridge from the dads bowl and spits it out cuz it was fuckin’ hot. Then she tastes the mom’s porridge and throws it on the floor in a rage cuz it was fuckin’ ice cold. She took a bit from junior’s bowl and looks at the camera and says, “meh.” And proceeds to eat it all. So then there’s something with some rocking chairs, or something. And then, after trashing their house, she decides to take a nap. She tries the dad’s bed first and shits in it cuz it was too firm. Then she tries mom’s bed and rubs her muddy hot little shoes on it cuz it was too soft. Now, here’s an interesting tidbit, mom and dad don’t share a bed. Junior has been struggling with this for the past 6 months when his parents moved into separate rooms. He knows they’re going to get a divorce but he wants his parents to stay together. Anyhow, back to the hot slut. She lays down in junior’s bed and decides that it is just “meh”. So, she gets naked, and falls asleep.
She wakes up hours later when the bears come home. Frightened she jumps out the second story window, without opening it first. The bears hear the commotion and decide to check it out. They see her clothes on the floor and the blood on the window and a bare assed chick with a wig all asunder running into the forest. Junior decides to give chase. After all, how far can a naked bleeding chick get? So he finds her, they make mad passionate interspecies love. Then his dad eats her. Like for dinner, not in a pleasuring her girl parts way. And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Goldilocks… she kinda got screwed on that one. The end.

I’m thinking of getting shitty drunk like that and doing my own series of children’s books. Should be lucrative.

24 January 2006


So, i wanted breakfast this morning. Apparently, so did Rev. the following conversation is testament to this fact:

[07:31] FindlayTex: how do you know when your stomach starts eating itself? as opposed to giving birth to an alien?
[07:32] Curtis: the alien doesn't come out of your stomach
[07:32] Curtis: the pain is IN the stomach
[07:33] FindlayTex: ahhhh!
[07:33] FindlayTex: thanks for clearing that up
[07:33] Curtis: why?
[07:33] Curtis: problem?
[07:33] FindlayTex: then i think my stomach is digesting itself.
[07:33] Curtis: yeah
[07:33] Curtis: I think we need to get breakfast
[07:34] FindlayTex: sounds tasty
[07:34] FindlayTex: and life giving
[07:34] Curtis: elias brothers buffet?
[07:34] FindlayTex: ack!
[07:35] FindlayTex: no!
[07:35] Curtis: no?
[07:35] FindlayTex: thaty's the most horrible thing to happen to breakfast since eggbeaters and turkey bacon
[07:35] Curtis: but there's a LOT
[07:35] Curtis: and there's sausage gravy
[07:35] Curtis: and awesome sausage
[07:36] FindlayTex: horrible eggs. horrible sausage gravy. the biscuits are always rock hard.
[07:36] Curtis: ok
[07:36] FindlayTex: i never have a good breakfast at big boys buffet
[07:36] Curtis: digest yourself then
[07:36] FindlayTex: fine
[07:36] FindlayTex: i will
[07:40] Curtis: I must eat LOTS
[07:40] Curtis: I am fungry
[07:40] FindlayTex: me too. but i cannot do big boy buffet.
[07:40] FindlayTex: it always gives me the shits, and it's never good.
[07:40] Curtis: there are no other buffets in the morning
[07:41] FindlayTex: yet i kept going, for years. till i finally had enough. and decided, it doesn't matter which big boy, which state, they all suck.
[07:41] FindlayTex: does bob evans have a buffet?
[07:41] Curtis: I haven't eaten in two days
[07:42] Curtis: no, and I hate Bob Evans
[07:42] Curtis: though they DO have good sausage
[07:42] FindlayTex: i haven't eaten at bob evans in years. so i can't attest to their goodlyness or badlyness
[07:42] Curtis: I went there about 7 months ago
[07:42] Curtis: bleah
[07:43] FindlayTex: meh
[07:44] Curtis: I have never liked their food, and it's ALL old annoying crochety bitter people that make the emperor look like Gandhi
[07:44] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahaha
[07:44] FindlayTex: nice
[07:45] FindlayTex: this is the problem with never having free time in the morning, or not being awayke in the mornings. you never know where the good breakfast deals are.
[07:46] FindlayTex: like the hungry angry lumberfucker special: 2 dozen eggs any style, a loaf of bread, 4 pounds of bacon, 2 pounds of sassage, sassage gravy by the gallon and big motherfucking thing of OJ. for 99 cents.
[07:47] Curtis: I actually laughed REALLY hard at that
[07:47] Curtis: lumberfucker
[07:47] Curtis: roll it ALL into an omelette
[07:48] FindlayTex: yes!
[07:48] Curtis: hunnnnngry
[07:48] Curtis: like the wolf
[07:48] FindlayTex: you're on the hunt your after food?
[07:49] Curtis: rrrrrrrr
[07:49] Curtis: there's always the senate
[07:49] FindlayTex: there is.
[07:49] Curtis: but....
[07:49] Curtis: I don't know. I need mass quantities
[07:50] Curtis: OCB?
[07:50] Curtis: do they do breakfast?
[07:50] Curtis: bleah
[07:50] FindlayTex: i was thinking about that, but are they even open anymore?
[07:50] Curtis: no idea
[07:51] FindlayTex: no OCB, they don't open till 11
[07:51] FindlayTex: and apparently the one on wayne rd is still open.

[07:59] Curtis: this does not solve the digestion problem
[08:00] FindlayTex: no, that's why i was looking up restaurants.
[08:04] Curtis: going to assume the fetal position
[08:04] FindlayTex: same here.
[08:05] FindlayTex: except that i have to drop a deuce, and the fetal position may expedite that process
[08:05] Curtis: I have no deuce to drop
[08:06] FindlayTex: ok, so let's go down the list.
[08:07] FindlayTex: senate. no cuz you need quantities
big boy no, cuz it's horrid and rancid and all that is evil.
bob evans no, cuz you have an a virgin to it.
OCB no, cuz they don't open for another three hours....
[08:07] Curtis: I also have only three singles and one hundo

[08:23] Curtis: ack
[08:24] Curtis: need to lie down, straighten back out
[08:24] FindlayTex: you do that

so, after an hour of talking about food, it's now 930am and i am no closer to eating than i was two hours ago. so... time to heat up some leftovers. ack. oh well, it's better than not eating at all. oh how i yearn for the delicous bacon and sassage straight from the grill of a local greasy spoon.
and now for some pictures and videos to tide you over. enjoy:

Remember those Chuch Norris facts I found a while back? Here's The Chucker on the Tony Danza show talking about some of them.
Heh, The Chucker on Conan. This time, he's got his OWN lever to pull.
The Chucker was here!? In Botswana?
How the fuck do you jump into a pond wrong? This kid will show you.

22 January 2006

Bars on a Cadillac Brougham.

So the other day, I check MySpace. My friend Nikki left me a video in my comments. it was a song that, until that day, i had not heard for at least a better part of decade and half. while i was living in Ohio, somehow, when we got on the topic of old school rap i would always bring this song up. i would always get blank stares. people would look at me as if i was insane, and of course, since i could never remember who the artist was it made it all the more difficult. and i was adament i was not going crazy. so i would sing the hook for them:

B stands for
Bronco, Benz, BMW, Bass,
Bangles and a pair of bars.
When you see us pullin up down the ave
you'll act like we are stars.
We're not tryin to make a joke,
We're just tryin to make it known,
that people of the world
that we call B Girls
Like Bars on a Cadillac Brougham.

And i would go on and on on how i know that the song "B girls" actually existed. I was not crazy. I swear. So I began to think it was a local thing, a song only played in the Metro Detroit area. Then, as if by miracle, it appeared in my comments. With videoy goodness. And it was good.

So anyhow, I have been listening to it intently, and obsessivly for last few days, and it makes me smile every time I do. takes me waaaay back. well, for those of you who wish to hear/see the marvel that once was "Young n da Restless - B Girls"(click here). Ahhh, the good ol' days.

also, i googled the hell out the song, and the artist, i wanted to know what the fuck bars on a cadillac brougham meant. there is nothing on these people. the only lyrics you can find are just bs that people typed on a discussion board. it's almost as if myself, and a small sect of people around the coutry were the only ones ever exposed to this song and government cover up went into effect shortly thereafter. hrmm... strange things are afoot at the circle k.
on a totally unrelated note. after watching an oprah show on how things work, my friend La La is now weirded out by her microwave, i came up with a way to improve on the microwave:
[07:24] FindlayTex: how did opera creep you out about the microwave?
[07:25] La La: She showed how it actually works and the whole particle thing and stuff and I don't know... It just did
[07:25] FindlayTex: hmm... ok
[07:26] FindlayTex: you're not right sometimes. you know that?
[07:26] La La: I just cooked something and I thought about the moving water/fat particles and yeah...
[07:27] FindlayTex: lol
[07:28] FindlayTex: yay agitating only the organic substances.
[07:28] La La: I will NEVER microwave organic foods...
[07:28] La La: That's just be crazy! Shit groovin and shakin all over the place!
[07:28] FindlayTex: lol
[07:29] La La: It'd be like soul train with carrots and broccoli. Put on some "Get down Tonight" and press start.
[07:30] FindlayTex: lol!
[07:30] FindlayTex: you just need Don Cornelious.
[07:30] FindlayTex: or however you spell that
[07:31] FindlayTex: hahahaha, that's what they need, a picture of don corneleous'
[07:31] FindlayTex: head as the start button
[07:31] La La: Oh god...
[07:31] La La: I"m never using the microwave again
[07:32] FindlayTex: and then when the microwave starts up, all you hear is "Soooooooooooooooooul Traaaaaaaaaaain!"
[07:34] La La: Come on Ride the train...
[07:35] FindlayTex: ride it.
[07:35] La La: Oh god, I gotta go to bed soon.

20 January 2006

Myspace Survey's ACK!

Ok, I got this myspace stupid thing that listed off all these qualities that some 7th grader has been brainwashed into thinking is what women want in their ideal man... I dissected it, Chud style. Not my best work, but fuck it, I’m buzzed and it's 430am.

I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

Right, like any woman in the world would tolerate that shit. "Holy shit he's like totally suffocating me". Whatever, if you need to text someone that corny shit, you need to be hit in the head.

I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "I miss you and wish you were here" just because.

Again, how needy can you be? If you're a girl, you probably like this in premise, but really, when a guy does it every hour on the hour? Time to check and see if his balls are still attached. My guess is no.

I'm the guy who will blindfold you, take you to the beach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where we are.

Ok, if you don't know where you are by the sound of the waves and sand on your feet then you're a dumb whore that I don't want to date anyhow. Dummy.

I'm the guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.

Ok, that's called stalking. Way to put her under undue pressure, asshole. At least if she knew you were coming she would have omitted the triple Lundy from her diving routine so you wouldn't see her fail. Since it is an impossible dive mastered by only one man...

I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

Yeah, life lesson dude, YOU'RE THE REASON SHE'S CRYING! She doesn't want you to hold her, she threw that lamp at you for a reason, she wants her space. Now fuck off and let a real man move in.

I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on, wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.

Chances are, you are. But really, would it kill ya to put on a little lipstick and maybe not wear your exes sweats? I mean, seriously.

I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don’t want to.

Well then, be prepared to be pressured into doing things you don't want to do there guy. Cuz THAT'S all you're gonna be doing. Women sense weakness, and they pounce. You can't assert yourself? Guess what? You just became a doormat you assclown. You won't see your testicles for another 10 years. Dumbass.

I'm the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.

Ok, I can sorta see that. But it had better be a good movie, and not some chick flick. Just cuz she's sick doesn't mean she has to watch what she wanted. YOU took time out of your day to go to her, you get to choose.

I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.


I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

Then you're a woman. NO MAN ever listens. We feign interest; catch buzzwords, and just say, ok, or mmhmm when there's a pause so that she thinks we're listening. We’re not. We don't care that the store was out of appelicious lipstick and that Brenda had a fight with Tony and now Tony and Maggie are totally going to get it on. Why? Cuz it doesn't concern us and it has no relevance on us getting any. Period.

I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.

Maybe if you're getting laid for the first time. Other than that... meh...

I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know how many times I have used that line? hahahaha, I just wanna cuddle, nothing more. No seriously, I won't try anything... just a slight nibble, maybe a soft caress, next thing you know I’ve got your mind going and motor humming and you're begging me for sex. Which I happily oblige. I don't use that line anymore. Now it's "you want me to stay over? Well, I don't have any condoms on me." Yeah, you gotta lay that shit out.

I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.

Give it time, she will learn to ruin any good time you ever wanted to have. It's what they do. Besides, you have to smile when she walks into the room, it's the non verbal cue to your buddies that you guys have to stop talking about the coat check girl you just nailed.

I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.

CUZ YOU'RE GAY! Straight men want to watch movies, drink beer, and lick box. Deal.

I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.

You will when she starts bitching you out for going where you're going, having been where you've been, and for being with who you've been with. Idiot

I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends how much he likes you.

You should be... you should be...

I'm the guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.

Girls like the alpha male. Period. Act like an epsilon male, and the next thing you know, your girlfriend is fucking your friend and his girlfriend in your bed with your mom’s vibrator in her ass. Retard

I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.

Meh... I got nothing on this one. Unless her imperfections are nagging, and slutting about, then, yeah I hate your imperfections.

I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.

Dude. Seriously. Gay! Unless you just got done screwing on the deck of your boat, and the sun is coming up, and you're both naked. Or, if you've been partying till the sun comes up, and she's puking and you're holding her hair, trying to judge how many mints it's gonna take so you'll be able to kiss her without wanting to vomit in her mouth.


Not possible. Period. Girls need chaos, drama and disorder. Once you learn this, your life can move forward. Jackass.

If this is your perfect guy repost this with the title "I want this guy"
If you have a guy like this repost with the title "I have this guy"
If this is you repost this with the title "I'm that guy"

If you were to repost as "I’m that guy" you'd be a fraud. Cuz you're not a guy. You now deserve to be whacked in the nuts by every male within 100 feet of you. Asshat.


God damn I'm such a romantic aren't I?

19 January 2006

Death Pool

well, gorilla mask started their annual death pool. i decided to make a list. for those of you who want to play along simply pick 10 people from the public eye, and place them on a list of 1-10 if you think they will die in 2006. just like when judging how how hot a woman is, 10 is the best, and 1 is the worst. so, put people that you think have a high probability of dying around 10, and those with a lower probability, down around one. unless the person is already in dire straights at which point it's just good form to put them at a lower number, that way you can actually earn the points when one of your higher numbers dies. for example, this my list for 2006:

10. Andy Rooney

9. Cassius Clay... ok... ali.

8. Bea Arthur

7. Charlton Heston

6. Micheal J. Fox

5. Fidel Castro

4. Teddy Kennedy (the family is cursed)

3. Burt Reynolds

2. Mario Lopez

1. Ariel Sharon

now, you'll notice that castro, and sharon are both 5 and below. sharon we know is going to die, so i couldn't just give up the the point he could garner, and castro... well, i don't think he has another year in him. so... if andy roony dies (and i hope to god that smug little troll does) i get 10 points. obviously the most you can get is 55 points, and with that kinda luck, you need to be in vegas. so, if you want to play, post your list of 10 in the comments and i will keep track for the year. at some point during the year i will try to come up with a prize for the winner, and the loser and all that good shit. so, have fun, put your thinking caps on, and make a list of people you think (or hope) will die this year.

16 January 2006

old age

I can't put my finger on exactly what prompted this post, all I know is a few minutes ago I was standing outside having a smoke, when it hit me. I am no longer at my grandparent’s house taking care of them and learning the ways of the elders. a few things I took note of during my stay was the fact that while they had a microwave, were it not for me, or the fact that they had purchased "hot pockets", said microwave would never get used. In talking with them, I learned of a simpler time and a people who loved their neighbors. People who sat outside and learned of all the neighbors happenings and whatnot. I enjoyed this as, during the warmer months, we would sit outside and all the neighbors would visit and talk and gossip and do all the things that people like to do.

In talking to my grandfather, who loves to regale me with stories of yesteryear, I realized a couple somethings. My grandparents were born before cars were in wide use. My grandfather was born in 1927, in Detroit, and can still remember having his milk delivered by horse drawn carriage. He can remember the beat cop who used to patrol his neighborhood. He can also tell me the year said cop retired from the force. He would tell me of simple games the kids used to play which more or less involved a bunch of kids on a curb and one kid in the street trying to kick the other kids’ asses, or any variation thereof. He lied about his age to get into the army, but was kicked out due to flat feet, and he then began a long and storied career as a letter carrier. I’m trying to remember the timeline but basically it was the late 40's when he started and he retired in 1986. I remember the write up in the paper about it, I remember the party. I remember how he knew every single person on his route. If that person wasn't at home on the days he delivered paychecks, he would come back later in the day when they were home, so that he could hand them their checks personally. No mix ups. He loved telling me all kinds of these stories. The one that always makes me think is when I asked him when he owned his first television.

Now, my grandparents had been childhood sweethearts, my grandmother from PA, and ol' gramps from straight up D-town. Back when it was a respectable factory town to be from. Not the burned out shell of a violent crimes capitol is. They married early into their twenties, grandma was 21, and grandpa was 22. They had my uncle 2 years later. Funny thing is it wasn't until more or less 1955 that they purchased their first television. And here's where I start thinking.

1955, they get their first television. 1940something my grandfather purchases his first car. Sometime late 80's early 90's they get their first microwave, and in 2004 they got their first dishwasher (which they still don't know how to use). I had convinced them during my tenure there, it would behoove them to get teh intarwebs for me and my laptop to play on, lest I take out my aggression on them. One day my mother came over to visit. She had her digital camera and took some pictures of the grandfolks and whatnot. After going home she loaded them onto this computer and sent them to me on the laptop so I could show my grandparent. This astonished them, as I’m sure the Kodak brownie camera and the Polaroid did before this. But I mean, truly astonished. They couldn't quite grasp that the little gadget my mom had been wielding not moments before had now enabled me to share geriatric photos with the world mere moments later.

Now, never mind the fact that most anyone reading this blog can remember being aghast at what happened to shrinkydinks after you colored them and set them in the oven. Nor can we forget about those crazy little pills that you dropped into water and hours later it was a 6inch tall rubbery T-rex. Of course, nothing can truly beat the fun that is colorforms. But really, for most of our adult lives, and a good portion of our adolescent lives (some of us, myself included) computers were a large factor. I can remember the old BBS's where you had to know people who knew people to gain admission into these things. When the internet was something you accessed through an FTP port on a local multi channel BBS. Back when being a l337 haxxor meant having a really good knowledge of DOS and its backdoors. When typing /dir *. /p /s meant something. Lol. Back when ROFL was LOL.

Anyhow, I guess what I’m saying is: what is it going to take to amaze us when we're old as shit and can't walk? I guess the first thing that would amaze me would be if there was social security to collect... but that's beside the point. I mean really. Are there any scenarios you can think of off the top of your head that would truly "amaze" you? I can't think of anything. Teleportation, I kind of expect it. Vehicles without wheels, mere decades away. More efficient fuel sources, well, those have been around for a while, we just have to see if they catch on. But I mean really. I showed my grandmother a digital picture of her taken minutes before. I could have done the same with a camera phone and really knocked her diaper off. All this to someone who, when growing up had her clothes made for her by her mother because there weren't any stores in town to buy everyday clothes from. Where will we be in another 40 years? Think back on the last 15. Then try, to think ahead to the next 40. I can't. Can you?

14 January 2006

Oh snap! I been tagged!

well, i inadvertantly got tagged to do the one of these surveys, by actually reading someone elses... damn you rolli... and then kristin up and tags me today for this one. so, you get two surveys in one post! ha! and now for something completely different. unless you're on myspace, in which is this is completely normal.

Four jobs you have had:
Realtor® (century 21)
Horse trainer/Barn Manager (several barns)
Janitor (state wayne theater)
Broil Cook (findlay applebees)

Four movies you could watch over and over:
The Boondock Saints
Leon (the professional)
Billy Madison (or Happy Gilmore)

Four places you've lived:
Detroit, MI
Livonia, MI
Ortonville, MI
Findlay, OH

Four TV shows you love to watch:
any of rachel ray's shows... i love that woman. when she says E.V.O.O. it makes me hot!

Four places you've been on vacation:
New Zealand

Four of your favorite foods:
It's all about general tso chicken. mmm mmm bitch!
of course lamb shwarma is good too
oh, tortellini in a light cream sauce with grilled chicken...
steak. any kind. any way. mmm mmm

Four places you'd rather be right now:
somewhere warm on a golf course.
somewhere warm on a beach
somewhere warm, with a hot ass bitch.
somewhere warm with an ok looking girl who has lot's of money.

Four sites I visit daily:
The best Crosswords
Pretty much everything else i have RSS feeds for. so... yeah.

Four Bloggers you are tagging:
Joe C
La La
De Style Lady
Chairborne(when he gets back that is)

And now for the second one... wahoo!

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Irish
2. german

Two Things That Scare You
1. Success
2. paper cuts

Two fears you overcame
1. Needles
2. paper cuts

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Glass of milk
2. My cigarettes.

Two things you are Wearing Right Now
1. t-shirt (grey)
2. cords (brown) wahoo, i'm sexy.

Two things you wore too much this year
1. Polo Shirts
2. pants

This year's Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. meh.
2. meh.

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Fun
2. Sex

Two of your favorite Movies of the Year
1. The Devil's Rejects
2. Waiting...

Best movies of all time
1. Boondock saints
2. One flew over the cuckoo's nest

Two things You hate
1. Stupid people grrr.
2. stupid people who believe stupid stuff told to them by other stupid people. and who then whole the other stupid person in higher regard of factual correctness even when you point out various sources that prove them to be brainless. get a brain morans. hehehe

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. well, it's not REALLY a hobby per say... ...
2. Drinking

Two things you learned this year
1. How to give an anema... i never want to do that again thank you.
2. blogging isn't just for emo douchebags.

Two Accomplishments You are Proud of
1. accomplishwhat... i'm unfamiliar with this word... does not compute
2. I would say starting a business, but since all the other partners bailed taking the start up money with them, i'd have to say, i'm proud i have the ability and the motivation to see this thing through. and now i won't have to split the profits.

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A good fun woman.
2. Financial freedom to do what i want.

Two place you went this year.
1. hrmmm... canada.
2. and that's about it... well, kalamazoo to party with my cousin.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Ireland
2. Italy

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Own a bar
2. Own a strip club

Two Ways that you are a Stereotypical Example of your Gender
1. i scratch myself in public.
2. if there's sports, and beer, no, i'm not listening to you.

Two things that make you stand out.
1. I'm 6'3 350lbs... pretty hard to miss
2. I'm loud as fuck. so if you can't see me, chances are you can hear me.

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I care deeply about some people.
2. stupid people scare me.

Two Goals for the New Year
1. Lose weight
2. Make Money.

I tag:

12 January 2006

a bevy of videos

wow, so today was a good day for stupid shit on teh intarwebs. holy shit.

apparently, kissing before a fight isn't a smart idea? who knew.

this is why rednecks will one day rule the earth. i want one. so bad.

ok, this is pure dork genius. live action punch out you say? can't be done you say? ha! i say, bullocks to you.

the website name speaks for itself. just click on the names in the box and open the file. on a side note, i'm not sure our boys in the military are getting the proper mental help they need if they are dealing with battle stress in this manner... but then again, who am i to say.

hehehe, somebody showing ron jeremy "goatse" for the first time. totally safe for work, just reaction shots. now, if you're wondering what he's looking at... i give you the goatse man (nsfw) i warn you, this is not safe for work, at all, and once you see it, you cannot unsee it. so... open at your own risk.

the aristocrats, very poorly animated. ok, there is nothing safe for work about this. period. do not have the volume up, or the screen facing anyone if you plan on opening this at work. though, you do need the volume to hear the joke. my suggestion, headphones. seriously.

08 January 2006

since Rev was posting jokes to me, i figured i'd post them to you.

[22:41] WhiteHonkyDevil: what do you call a fish with no eyes?
[22:42] FindlayTex: blind?
[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: a fsh
[22:42] FindlayTex: lol

[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: How do you kill a circus?
[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: god these are lame
[22:43] FindlayTex: dunno. with a rifle?
[22:43] WhiteHonkyDevil: Go straight for the juggler.
[22:43] FindlayTex: hehehehehehehehe

[22:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple whiskey.Bartender comes over and remarks, Triple whiskey eh? You must have had a rough day. Tell me about it. I got off work early today, so I go home and what do I come home to find, but my wife screwing my best friend. That's just awful, says the bartender. What did you say to your wife? What do you think I said? I told her to pack her things and get the hell out! And what did you say to your best freind? I grabbed him by the face, looked him straight in the eye, and told him... Bad Dog!!!

[22:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
[22:45] FindlayTex: a deer
[22:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: a no eye-deer
[22:45] FindlayTex: oh i knew that one.

[22:46] WhiteHonkyDevil: A mathematician visited a native american reservation. He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But I can run to the mountain before sundown, and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

[22:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
[22:47] FindlayTex: lol!

[22:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: Descartes walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for an imported beer. The barkeep responds, "sorry, we only have domestic beers. Would you like one of those." After taking a second or two to think about it, Descartes responds, "I think not," then vanishes.
[22:48] FindlayTex: the squah one is killing me. so lame.
[22:48] WhiteHonkyDevil: yeah

[22:48] WhiteHonkyDevil: Two atoms are walking down the street and one trips over a crack in the sidewalk and falls down. His buddy asks, "are you ok?" The atom replies, "no, I think I lost an electron." His buddy says, "wow, are you sure." The fallen atom replies, "yes, I'm POSITIVE."
[22:48] FindlayTex: lol to descartes

[22:49] WhiteHonkyDevil: How are Michael Jackson and caviar the same?
The both come on little crackers.
[22:50] FindlayTex: lol

[22:50] WhiteHonkyDevil: 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
[22:50] FindlayTex: lolocaust

[22:52] WhiteHonkyDevil: knock knock
[22:53] FindlayTex: who dere?
[22:53] WhiteHonkyDevil: i ate mop
[22:53] FindlayTex: i ate a mop who?
[22:53] FindlayTex: lol lol lol
[22:53] FindlayTex: i am snorting i am laughing so hard

[22:59] WhiteHonkyDevil: What do you call an Italian guy that has a rubber toe?
[22:59] FindlayTex: dunno
[22:59] WhiteHonkyDevil: roberto
[23:00] FindlayTex: nice

[23:05] WhiteHonkyDevil: A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
[23:05] FindlayTex: my favorite joke.
[23:05] WhiteHonkyDevil: The horse says, "My wife just died."
[23:05] FindlayTex: lol

[23:06] WhiteHonkyDevil: Guy walks into a drug store, says to the gal behind the counter. "Hi, I need some condoms for my 11-year old daughter." The lady, shocked, says "What? Your 11-year old daughter is sexually active?" The man says "Nah, she just lays there like her mother."
[23:06] FindlayTex: oh noes

[23:07] WhiteHonkyDevil: An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[23:08] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why do women have small feet?
[23:08] FindlayTex: lol
[23:08] WhiteHonkyDevil: So they can get their ass closer to the sink!
[23:08] FindlayTex: closer to the sink
[23:08] FindlayTex: i told that one to kupras earlier.

[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: Because their balls will show.

[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: A baby seal goes into a bar.
"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," says the seal.
[23:09] FindlayTex: lol
[23:09] FindlayTex: !

[23:10] WhiteHonkyDevil: How's a woman like a comupter?
[23:10] WhiteHonkyDevil: computer...dur
[23:10] FindlayTex: how?
[23:11] FindlayTex: cumupter.
[23:11] WhiteHonkyDevil: You only have to punch info into her once
[23:11] FindlayTex: lol

[23:14] WhiteHonkyDevil: A cowboy and his Indian guide are out on "the trail" when the Indian reaches down, touches the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come..."
The cowboy asks, "How can you tell?"

[23:17] WhiteHonkyDevil: what's brown and runny?
[23:17] WhiteHonkyDevil: Jesse Owens
[23:17] FindlayTex: lol

[23:21] WhiteHonkyDevil: Q: What is a pirate's favorite kind of socks?
A: Aarrrgyle.
[23:21] FindlayTex: rofl

[23:22] WhiteHonkyDevil: What's green and has wheels?
[23:23] FindlayTex: a car? a bike?
[23:23] WhiteHonkyDevil: Grass, I lied about the wheels.
[23:23] FindlayTex: hahahahahaha

[23:25] WhiteHonkyDevil: A man walks into a bar and notices Van Gogh sitting at the end of the bar. He orders a beer and asks Van Gogh "Do you need a beer?", and Van Gogh replies "I got one 'ere."
[23:27] FindlayTex: hehehe

[23:31] WhiteHonkyDevil: An upset woman storms into the golf pro shop and says to the clerk, "I was just golfing on your course and I was stung by a bee right in between the first and second holes. What do you suggest I do?"
The clerk says, "Well for starters lady I'd suggest you narrow your stance a bit."
[23:32] FindlayTex: i always liked that joke.

[23:34] WhiteHonkyDevil: What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall?
[23:34] WhiteHonkyDevil: dam

[23:38] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why are pirates so cool?
[23:38] WhiteHonkyDevil: they just arrrrrrrrrrrrr
[23:39] FindlayTex: teehee

[23:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
[23:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: He forgot his safe word.
[23:44] FindlayTex: bwahahahahahahaha
[23:44] FindlayTex: ok, THAT was good

[23:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
[23:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: he wiped
[23:47] FindlayTex: i snorted

[23:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
[23:47] FindlayTex: lol

[00:01] WhiteHonkyDevil: Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
[00:02] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[00:16] WhiteHonkyDevil: It's the Spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date Peggy Sue. When he goes to the front door, the girl's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

"Thanks." says Bobby.

Peggy's mother asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in. Peggy's mother responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Peggy's mother to repeat it. "Yeah !" says Peggy's mother, "Peggy really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her."

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Peggy comes downstairs in and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 5 minutes later, Peggy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her mother: "MOM! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST, THE TWIST!!!
[00:18] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahahahahaha. took a while to get there... but it's gold.

[00:22] WhiteHonkyDevil: What's a six course meal on an indian reservation? A six pack and a puppy.
[00:23] FindlayTex: hrmm... that's a thinker...
[00:23] FindlayTex: lol

[00:26] FindlayTex: Did you hear the one about the gay deaf mute?
Neither did he.
[00:26] WhiteHonkyDevil: heh

[00:27] FindlayTex: Three guys are sitting in a bar, an Italian, an Irishman, and a Polack. The Italian is talking about a bar back in Italy. He says "Its great.....you buy your first drink, you buy your second drink, and the third is on the house." The Irishman says "Thats nothing, back in Ireland I know a bar where you buy one drink, and the second one is on the house." The Polack says "I have you both beat, Back in Poland I know a bar where you get free drinks all night, then they take you in the back and get you laid." The Italian and the Irishman look at him and say "Wow.....that really happened to you?" The polack says "No, it happened to my sister."
[00:27] WhiteHonkyDevil: ah yes

[00:27] FindlayTex: "What did the blind quadriplegic get for Christmas?


[00:28] FindlayTex: This is terrible. Talking about battered women. Every year there are thousands of battered women, and I can't believe I've been eating mine raw all this time.
[00:28] WhiteHonkyDevil: hahaha
[00:29] FindlayTex: hehehehe
[00:29] FindlayTex: yes.

[00:33] FindlayTex: how did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis

[00:33] WhiteHonkyDevil: Where did the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies
[00:33] FindlayTex: oh god i am crying.

[00:36] FindlayTex: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

[00:36] FindlayTex: why are women smarter than cows ?

so they dont poop on the floor while they do the dishes

[00:37] FindlayTex: How do you make a cat go "Wooof"?
Soak it in gas and light a match.

06 January 2006

I am not a Soldier.

I am not a Soldier. I never have been. I have always wanted to be. Many of my friends are Soldiers, Marines, Sailors, and some have even gone Air Force. I was prevented from fighting for this country due to Ritalin, something I was too young to protest at the age of seven, when it was prescribed to me. When I enlisted to the Corps I was happy. I knew where my life was going. Then they "discovered" I took Ritalin. I say "discovered" because I never hid it, and they never asked, but on a final look through they found it and at the time it was an automatic disqualifier. They black balled me. I left the recruiters office in anger, I went to the Army recruiter, he told me no, Air Force, same thing, the goddamned coast guard wouldn't take me. I wanted to serve my country and they wouldn't let me. I was hurt, I was angry, I was devastated. I had spent the better part of the previous 6 years gearing my life towards being a career military man. A Marine.

Well, I’m coming up on my 27th birthday. I’m 6'3" 350lbs and have accomplished nothing. I need to lose 100 lbs and find some direction. I have been wallowing in this self pity and doubt for far too long. I don't know if I’m more afraid of success or of having my dreams stripped away again, so instead I don't dream. I’m not sure which is worse, not trying to succeed, or not having dreams to reach. All I know is that I have wasted too much time living in the past. Too much time thinking about how much more direction my life would be if I were a Marine. I’d have direction. I’d have a purpose.

Personally, I deal well with death. It’s inevitable. I don't mourn death as it happens to us all. We’re not getting out of here alive. I actually celebrate death. Most everyone I know has lived a good life. Been mostly happy. Done things they've never thought they could do. So why would you mourn that? You should celebrate it. Cherish it. Relish it.

I am not a crier. I couldn't tell you the last time I cried. Not because I’m macho, but mostly because I’m dead inside. However there are two things that give me chills, and choke me up. The first and foremost is the national anthem. It could be sung horribly, or played out of tune on a Casio synthesizer, it doesn't matter. The meaning is still there. I cannot talk after hearing it, without a moment to clear my throat and relax. My old color guard commander knew this. In JROTC he would wait an extra second after "order colors", to call "order arms". He also knew that as I was the guard of the American flag, and therefore in the lead, I was pretty much walking blind for the first few seconds till my eyes dried up. This is an involuntary response. I have no control. I am not a Soldier. I am not a Marine.

The second thing that gets me is anyone who wears a uniform of the armed forces being buried. Military funerals are the all about respect. And that's what gets me. It’s not the death of this person who has so outwardly devoted their life so I can get fat and drunk; it's the respect we owe to that person. The respect they only seem to get in death. Respect they earned. In blood. In hardship.

I am not a Soldier. I am not a Marine, and I am not a sailor. I wish I were standing beside those who are, as one of them, paying my debt to this country the only way I can think to. Unfortunately at the tender age of 26 I have been rendered medically unable to serve. They wouldn't even take me in a draft. So to those of you brave enough to serve, those of you strong enough to fight, I thank you. From the deepest recesses, thank you. Your work means more than anything else I can think of. Thank you.


Carry on.

04 January 2006


well, lest night was a good night at the bar. we decided to play some basebowl (scroll down a couple posts if you're unsure of the rules) afterwards since we had three new initiates that were interested in our little game and thought they might like to join our league. so, we do some drinking, and for some reason Rev decided to try to walk home. which, while it's not a far walk (2-3 miles) it's still a walk. in the cold. BOMBED OFF HIS ASS. he kept calling me on his walk and not saying anything, which was funny. so the bar closed, my buddy nelly and i went to taco bell, bobby and laura headed up the road to find rev. apparently on his walk he had decided to detour into the woods and pass out, snow angel style. after they found him, and got him up, he made it all the way out of the before faceplanting in a snowbank.

so we make back to rev's pee pee soaked heck hole, and proceed to play basebowl. this is the aftermath:

of course, all that broken glass does pose some danger though. as rev was drunk, and retarded, he decided to play barefoot. that ended after a couple rounds and some glass in the foot. the rest of has had some battle wounds. here's a pic of nelly and i showing our wounds. i'm the middle finger on the right. your right.

so, this is not just a kiddie game here ladies and gents... this game is for gladiators, played on the world stage... play, at your own risk.

03 January 2006

i have been slacking

well, for the last few weeks i have been constantly passing over a file i kept coming across titled, "lazy sunday". it was apparently put out by saturday night live, and i am generally loath to go near anything they do anymore. however, curiousity got the better of me. plus it helps explain all the t-shirt ads i've been seeing for "chronic! what? cles of narnia". which never made any sense till today. so... here you go. and i'm sorry i haven't brought this to you sooner. i, am an asshole.

just call us aaron burr for the way we're droppin' hamiltons!