29 December 2006

These Dreams?

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?

and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.


22 December 2006

This woman named Dana.

So, i was at the bar last night when this enchanting woman named Dana came up to me and decided to chat me up. she's a beautiful girl, with great taste in music who happens to be a model. a model who happens to not mind hangin' with a fat guy and making him feel special every now and then. ahhh, that girl. she's something special that one. she's got the greatest skin tone, it's a light caramel that just makes you want to see if she tastes like White Russian or like that damn delicious scent she wears that makes you want to believe that dreams really do come true. ahh Dana... the girl of every guys dreams.

and now, some links.

ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse? ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse not attached to chuck norris of jean claude van damme? now you have.

apparently college humor can mapquest your way to the clitoris. the female orgasm is a myth and that's that what i'm sticking with.

best christmas present evar.

if you need clarification on the above, whatch this video. if the link goes dead, let me know. NBC has been on a crusade.

there ya go dana, i blogged about you. love ya darlin.

13 December 2006

For Chaz

So, last night I was at the Red Wing’s game having fun, drinkin, and being loud. You know, the usual. Middle of the second period all of the sudden I feel this weight on my knee. I look down and what to my wondering eyes should I see? This guy:

So after jostling him a few times and asking him for his beer and his wallet we were sure he was indeed passed out. When I received no reply to either query we knew it was time to start to fucking with him. So, I had the guy in front of him take a snap shot of me with “passed out drunk guy”

The little credit card pagoda right outside our section gives away something every game for filling out applications. This night it was Red Wing’s blankets. He happened to have one with him so we covered him up. By this point people all around started taking notice. Cameras were coming out left and right. When the period ended this dude with his kid decided it was photo op time. The old man had his kid sit in the seat with his arm around passed out drunk guy and pops took a quick snap shot. I wish I had a pic of that, but alas I do not. However, this girl did come over from a full section over to poke and prod passed out drunk guy. I went outside to have a smoke at this point, but apparently poke and prod chick came back, this time with lipstick.

So, I was outside smoking and showing off my pictures of passed out drunk guy and telling everyone which section he was in so that they too can have a photo op with him. However, much to my chagrin when I got back… he was gone. Apparently medics came up and took him away.

It was reported to me that passed out drunk guy’s real name was Chaz. At least, that’s what he told the medics. However, this trooper while being escorted down the steps had one parting statement, “hey, where’s my beer?”. So last night, we drank for Chaz.


06 December 2006

scenes from a livonia bar.

brother: ever seen "you, me and dupree?"
me: nope. but i wanted to. 
brother: good cuz i have it in my car. 
me: i have it in my nuts!
brother: you have dupree in your nuts?
me: no, i have jennifer aniston in my nuts. 
brother: fag, that was "the break up" you mean kate hudson.
me: yeah. well, bonus. cuz i can spank it to her, and her mom, whom at one point was a handsome woman.

me: holy shit is that k-fed?
table of people: holy shit i think it is.
me: he seems shorter. and gayer.
them: you should ask him.
me: nah, i'ma call the bar and ask if they know k-fed slid behind the bar.
nelly: wouldn't it be fed-x?
me: teehee... I GET IT, EX K-FED... FED-X!!!!
nelly: shut up and call.
(ring ring)jules: bench pub?
me: do you know you have k-fed behind the bar?
jules: yeah, please come kick his ass.
me: sorry, if i kick a gay man's ass that's a hate crime.

me: i'm grabbing your ass.
her: what?
me: i'm grabbing your ass. right now. my hand is on your ass.
her: what?
me: you're dumb.
her what?
me: dumb, you are. zero intellect. no sense. mildly retarded.
her: what? yeah.
me: i want to sex you in the forehead.
her: i like a challenge!

me: hey, you own a muffler shop, how much to bend up some pipe?
them: to go where?
me: test pipe. to replace the CAT.
them: one million dollars, that's the fine.
me: i'm not asking you to install it. just to bend it.
them: we can install a cat for $250
me: fuck that. i don't need anything installed. just some pipe bent.
them: well, with the way the Y comes in, we need a special CAT. so $35o.
me: are you retarded? it's a simple single CAT. nothing more.
them: no. no no. the Y goes in...
me: shut up. you're dumb. i don't want your services. a straight 6 '91 f-150 does none of what you say.
them: here's our card and a couple extras. give them to your friends. the prices we told you are only good for tomorrow and thursday. anytime after that and we can't promise you those prices.
me: i will not be coming to you, as you are both idiots and i wouldn't trust you with my truck if you payed me to.
them: remember, tomorrow and thursday only.

ahh the bar. i love it so.

10 November 2006

"The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times"

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
The lake, it is said, never gives up her dead
When the skies of November turn gloomy.

With a load of iron ore - 26,000 tons more
Than the Edmund Fitzgerald weighed empty
That good ship and true was a bone to be chewed
When the gales of November came early

The ship was the pride of the American side
Coming back from some mill in Wisconson
As the big freighters go it was bigger than most
With a crew and the Captain well seasoned.

Concluding some terms with a couple of steel firms
When they left fully loaded for Cleveland
And later that night when the ships bell rang
Could it be the North Wind they'd been feeling.

The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound
And a wave broke over the railing
And every man knew, as the Captain did, too,
T'was the witch of November come stealing.

The dawn came late and the breakfast had to wait
When the gales of November came slashing
When afternoon came it was freezing rain
In the face of a hurricane West Wind

When supper time came the old cook came on deck
Saying fellows it's too rough to feed ya
At 7PM a main hatchway caved in
He said fellas it's been good to know ya.

The Captain wired in he had water coming in
And the good ship and crew was in peril
And later that night when his lights went out of sight
Came the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the words turn the minutes to hours
The searchers all say they'd have made Whitefish Bay
If they'd fifteen more miles behind her.

They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters.

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
In the ruins of her ice water mansion
Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
The islands and bays are for sportsmen.

And farther below Lake Ontario
Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
And the iron boats go as the mariners all know
With the gales of November remembered.

In a musty old hall in Detroit they prayed
In the Maritime Sailors' Cathedral
The church bell chimed, 'til it rang 29 times
For each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald.

The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down
Of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
Superior, they say, never gives up her dead
When the gales of November come early.

-The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot
so, today is the 31st anniversary of the wreck of the edmund fitz... here are some conversations from this eve:

me (about cruises): don't order the beer, they'll ass rape you.
some chick: what do you mean ass rape?
me: you know, like in prison have someone force themselves upon your anus.
some chick: if you order a beer?
me: oh. no, i meant price wise on the cruise. similar to ass rape.
zach's wife: you know sodomy. 
me: well, forced sodomy.
zach's wife: well, you order a beer, and you get GHB and a foreigner fucking you in the ass.

colin: so, how'd the election turn out for you?
me: fuck the Dem's. they want that slut back in power, they get what they deserve in the next 4 years.
colin: so, you're not gonna change states?
me: what? and be like the whiney Dem's after '04 when Bush won? I'm going to canada!  fuck that. and fuck Canada. Fucking socialists.

me: Dude i wanna play wreck of the edmund fitsz again.
dude: man, once is enough.
me: but dude, i want these people to suffer!
dude: i thought you were playing it so they would understand and feel and shit.
me: fuck that! i want them to suffer through a 15 minute folk song about a ship that sank in 4 minutes.
dude: dick.
curt(on the phone and drunk as shit): WHERE YOU AT FUCKER!!!!!????
me: about to walk home.
curt: FROM THE BENCH!!!!????
me: nope. from your mom's vagina.
me: nope. but your mom's vagina is so big, by the time i walk out and trip over the labia minora i'm home!
me: hello?
curt (calling back): hello.
me: did you hang up on me cuz i was talking about your mom's vagina?
curt: are you done?
me: no! in fact...

ahh thursdays, always a good day.

01 November 2006

i'm a suave motherfucker.

me: hey darlin' how's it goin?
her: i'm drunk as fuck. 
me: me too, and my hand is on your ass!
her: is that what that is? it is so helping me stand up!

me: umm... awkward, but did we we have sex?
her #2: (all snotty like) uhhh, i don't think so. 
me: you don't think so? 
her #2: uhh, yeah. 
me: so you don't know if we've had sex? SWEET! I LOVE SLUTS!  let's try to jog your memory.

me: oh hey, i know you. you're one of the twins.
her #3: uhh... no. they're over there.
me: so... you like fat guys?

so right now, i am a gassy mofo. drank a bunch of blue tonight at our neighborhood bonfire then went to the bar. somewhere in the midst of all this my farts somehow smell like dead rats on white castle hamburgers, burned in an oil fire. yeah, i so strafed the bar on my way out, and so told everyone i was doing so. i'm a baaaaaaaaad man! 

25 October 2006

GCIII says it all. end of argument.

There has been a lot of chatter lately involving Bush and his recent bill The Military Commissions Act of 2006(pdf). People on TV bashing it saying it’s unconstitutional, people on the web saying bush is making a mess of things, people all over saying that it clearly violates the Geneva Convention [sic]. Apparently none of these people have read the Act nor the Geneva Conventions. So, being the good natured guy I am, I’m going to give you all a chance to do both. The above link is a download for a PDF, and here is a link to The Geneva Conventions. Today class we’re concentrating on Geneva Convention Three, or GCIII. This Convention lays out the treatment for prisoners of war. It also clearly outlines what an enemy combatant is. Let’s check it out shall we?

Art. 4. A. Prisoners of war, in the sense of the present Convention, are persons belonging to one of the following categories, who have fallen into the power of the enemy:

…(2) Members of other militias and members of other volunteer corps, including those of organized resistance movements, belonging to a Party to the conflict and operating in or outside their own territory, even if this territory is occupied, provided that such militias or volunteer corps, including such organized resistance movements, fulfil the following conditions:[ (a) that of being commanded by a person responsible for his subordinates; (b) that of having a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance; (c) that of carrying arms openly; (d) that of conducting their operations in accordance with the laws and customs of war.

Interesting… so, let’s say I catch a terrorist, he does not fulfill the above requirements, what should I do with him then O' Convention of wisdom?

Should any doubt arise as to whether persons, having committed a belligerent act and having fallen into the hands of the enemy, belong to any of the categories enumerated in Article 4, such persons shall enjoy the protection of the present Convention until such time as their status has been determined by a competent tribunal.

…Prisoners of war shall continue to have the benefit of such agreements as long as the Convention is applicable to them, except where express provisions to the contrary are contained in the aforesaid or in subsequent agreements, or where more favourable measures have been taken with regard to them by one or other of the Parties to the conflict.

Huh. Well, I guess that about settles it. I mean, the convention says so. So let’s see what this act wants to do shall we?

‘‘§ 948b. Military commissions generally
‘‘(a) PURPOSE.—This chapter establishes procedures governing
the use of military commissions to try alien unlawful enemy combatants
engaged in hostilities against the United States for violations
of the law of war and other offenses triable by military commission.

CHAPTER.—The President is authorized to establish military
commissions under this chapter for offenses triable by military
commission as provided in this chapter.

Odd… what do all these terms mean? Unlawful combatant? Let’s see what the act has to say.

‘‘§ 948a. Definitions
‘‘In this chapter:
‘‘(1) UNLAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—(A) The term ‘unlawful
enemy combatant’ means—
‘‘(i) a person who has engaged in hostilities or who
has purposefully and materially supported hostilities
against the United States or its co-belligerents who is
not a lawful enemy combatant (including a person who
is part of the Taliban, al Qaeda, or associated forces);
‘‘(ii) a person who, before, on, or after the date of
the enactment of the Military Commissions Act of 2006,
has been determined to be an unlawful enemy combatant
by a Combatant Status Review Tribunal or another competent
tribunal established under the authority of the
President or the Secretary of Defense.

‘‘(B) CO-BELLIGERENT.—In this paragraph, the term ‘cobelligerent’,
with respect to the United States, means any State
or armed force joining and directly engaged with the United
States in hostilities or directly supporting hostilities against
a common enemy.

‘‘(2) LAWFUL ENEMY COMBATANT.—The term ‘lawful enemy
combatant’ means a person who is—
‘‘(A) a member of the regular forces of a State party
engaged in hostilities against the United States;
‘‘(B) a member of a militia, volunteer corps, or organized
resistance movement belonging to a State party
engaged in such hostilities, which are under responsible
command, wear a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at
a distance, carry their arms openly, and abide by the
law of war; or
‘‘(C) a member of a regular armed force who professes
allegiance to a government engaged in such hostilities,
but not recognized by the United States.

‘‘(3) ALIEN.—The term ‘alien’ means a person who is not
a citizen of the United States.

‘‘(4) CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.—The term ‘classified
information’ means the following:

‘‘(A) Any information or material that has been determined
by the United States Government pursuant to
statute, Executive order, or regulation to require protection
against unauthorized disclosure for reasons of national

‘‘(B) Any restricted data, as that term is defined in
section 11 y. of the Atomic Energy Act of 1954 (42 U.S.C.

Wow, so Chud, what you’re telling us is that the GCIII is quoted directly in this Act as a term of what a lawful combatant is, and what an unlawful combatant is? And that this act in no way defies the Conventions we hold so dear to our civilized hearts? How can this be? I mean, all the media as awash in the bashing of this act, and President Bush is an evil evil man right? I mean, if this Act isn’t the evil Geneva Conventions defying monster the media made it out to be, what else isn’t true? Well, kiddies, so much more. So, so much more. But that’s for a different class.


22 October 2006

And now for some ultra violence?

Fuck "a clockwork orange"! 

that's all i have to say about that. 

good day.  

09 October 2006

since i have been drinking away my posts, you get a meme!

This is about senior year of high school.

1. Who was your best friend?

Senior year? No one really. The guy who was my best friend left for the army. Though, you’d never know we were best friends what with me trying to snake his girl. Yeah, senior year, I guess Brandon would have been it.

2.What sports did u play?

Nothing for the school. Lots of paintball though.

3. What kind of car did you drive?

’88 ford ranger. The car had ground effects on it. It was so counter to everything I was. I was so metal.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?

Brandon’s house gearing up for a paintball game.

5. Were you a party animal?

Not really.

6. Were you considered a flirt?

Actually, yes.

7. Ever skip school?

Uhh, yeah, pretty much.

8. Were you a nerd?

I liked nerdy things. Like computers, and D&D and magic the gathering. Though I think I was out of the last two by senior year.

9. Were you in any clubs?


10. Did you get suspended/expelled?

Never expelled. Suspended many many times. I think I hold the record for number of times suspended while suspended. I was originally given a 3 day “in school” for smoking (Chud! You rebel!). then I was suspended because the bitch thought I was playing games on my calculator when in fact I was doing homework so she sent me to the office, proceeded to go through my shit and found some highly objectionable prose and short stories I had written. Those got me suspended for an additional 5 days. Finally the next day I caused civil unrest in the suspension (planning?) room for the blatant disregard for my personal possessions the day prior. This earned me another 3 days but all time to be served out of school. Oh such angst! What a rebel!

11. Can you sing the fight song?

Yeah it was a rip off of the UM fight song.

12. Who was your favorite teacher?

Mr. Markiewicz, Mr. Borso or Sgt. Canon. All three were great.

13. Favorite class?

Senior year? Independent reading. I think I burned through half the damn library in that class.

14. What was your school's full name?

Winston Churchill High School

15. School mascot?

A charger. For those of you not in the know, apparently it’s a knight on a horse.

16. Did you go to dances?

Senior year, no. well, I did go to military ball. I think.

17. If you could go back and do it over, would you?

Not at all. I couldn’t wait to be out then and I have no reason to want to do that over again.

18. What do you remember most about graduation?

Wanting it to be over so I could get the fuck outta dodge.

19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year?

Ha. For Radio and TV we had to shoot all the productions that the school put on (ie. dance recitals, fashion shows, plays etc). for one production in particular, I think it was the capa dance senior thingy. Some guy played Angie for a chick named Angie and she danced around. Anyhow, a bunch of us had gone in on a fifth of the captain. So I’m standing between the classroom and the Master control room which is also sort of backstage. I had my pop (coke) opened and emptied to the desired level and began to pour in the captain. As I’m doing so Boone (the teacher) came thundering down the stairs with his coffee in his hand and a pint of something clear that he was pouring into said coffee. We both froze, both caught. He cleared his throat, nonchalantly said, “Mr. Dorton”. I nodded and responded, “Boone”. And off he walked.

20. Did you have a job your senior year?

Yes, but then my dad fired me.

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?

Burger King at Westland Mall. Which I don’t believe is there any longer.

22. What did you do after graduation?

Moved out to the sticks and started working horses and rodeo.

23. Where are most of your classmates?

I honestly don’t know. I haven’t stayed in touch with most of them.

24. Are you going/did you go to your 10-year reunion?

I don’t know. It’ll be this coming year and I really don’t know if I’ll be going.

25. Who was your worst teacher?

Lt. Col. Kuratko. He’s a douche.

26. Who did you date in High School?

You can’t call what I did “dating”. That’s all I’ll say on that topic.

27. Did your life turn out different then you would have expected?

Hrmm… 27, living at home after two failed attempts at college, a real estate career that’s in the shitter, delivering pizzas, unable to commit to anything much less one single job for more than a year. Actually, yeah, a little different than I expected.


06 October 2006


Well, over the past week or so I have had some great ideas for blog posts. These were doosies. I’m talkin’ funny, witty and creative, and those were just the titles. Yet somehow, when I was able to get near a computer I couldn’t seem to remember the slightest detail of what I wanted to post, which is highly upsetting. However, I have formulated a hypothesis about this. A corollary if you will. This theorem states:

“All great ideas founded in one’s own head under great influence of alcohol which are not committed to paper, verbal record, or digital media immediately will be forever lost in the haze of the morning.”

This applies only to great ideas. Shitty ideas and mediocre ideas always seem to stay with you. But the higher functions attained for the great idea, gone for some reason.

You may be wondering what drew me to this conclusion. Yeah, I didn’t think so. But I’ll tell you. Saturday night I was drunkenly making myself laugh with the formulation of a blog post. Then a lot of tequila more and I could barely remember I was house broken. The following Sunday was an all day drinking fest with the lions losing, the tigers losing and the wings winning. And I had some great post about that. However, ten cents per ounce beer specials thwarted me yet again. Damn banditos. Monday night was whiskey and television and I had a great idea about a show or two I wanted to pitch, but the whiskey wouldn’t release me from its grip. Tuesday… oh Tuesday, lot’s of beer at the bar, it was $2.50 23oz domestics. One of my friends was apparently having relations with a waitress, whose boyfriend of 5 years decided to show up and the drama! Oh the drama! But again, forgot it all. Wednesday just wasn’t fair. $3.50 boombas (32 oz) and the tigers were supposed to play game 2. rain delay, but no drunken delay, find out afore mentioned waitress quit due to her and her boy having problems. And again not a word on the blog. Last night was bad. It’s my bowling league night. Which means lots of drinking. We have a game called “one pin”* and things just get ugly. afterwards Joe and I headed out to Walled Lake to see our Smelly Pirate Hooker. She’s a chick who used to bowl on our league but can’t this year due to work. So, we went out to see her. They had a pint special going, and I wasn’t driving so, we had a couple. Came home, and did I, in my partial sobriety, commit word to page? Nope. I tore into my whiskey like it was my job. And that brings me to this morning. Well, now it’s early evening, aren’t I a great procrastinator? So, these are the supporting facts behind Chud’s law of creative influence. You are now informed.

* “one pin” is a drinking game in which you must first establish who in the league is playing. It can be as little as 3 people, or as large as the whole league. Once this is established, everyone purchases their alcohol and proceeds to bowl. Anytime in any frame, on any ball, if you leave one pin, and one pin only, standing you must call out “ONE PIN” for all players to hear. Then, everyone takes a drink. For example, let’s say your first ball in the first frame you knocked down 9 pins, you’d yell “ONE PIN!” and everyone drinks. For you second ball you miss the spare, leaving that same pin up. Again, “ONE PIN!” and drinks are had. If on your first ball you knock down 7, then nothing happens. But if on your second you only get 2 of the remaining 3, then you have left a soldier still standing, and thus “ONE PIN!” When you have 3 -6 teams playing, you can imagine how quickly you can get drunk. Good thing we only play 2 games.

And now some links.

Ever seen the video of the guy who runs from cops and gets run over by a cop in a truck? he's back. 

Fat guys and verbs don't mix. i should know. which is why i never attempt to make jumps between docks.

What idiot thought, "let's tie a rope to a treadmill and tow it behind the car and video tape someone riding it"? god i hope there are more people like him.

Ever wonder what a flock of seagulls can do to a horserace? neither did I. but, now, I wonder why i haven't.

The inside story of the webs 10 most famous websites.

Whorecraft? WTF? uhh... no thanks. NSFW

23 September 2006

"Creativity lies dead on a slab in hollywood"-Kurt A. "Mad Dog" Henning

On Wednesday (Sept. 6), MGM announced plans to expand its worldwide television distribution operation and, in the process, revealed plans to move forward on sequels to films ranging from the '80s classic "WarGames" to the underwater treasure hunting saga "Into the Blue."

In a press release, the company announced that the MGM Worldwide Television Distribution Group will handle the international television sales for "Casino Royale," Daniel Craig's first turn as James Bond movie, as well as "Rocky Balboa," Sylvester Stallone's final turn as the titular pugilist.

That part isn't interesting. What is interesting is that the release says that the Group will also launch worldwide sales campaigns for a slate of sequels.

There's "Legally Blonde 3," which MGM describes with the slug "Beauty and brains bring big laughs," but without any mention of the presumably absent Reese Witherspoon.

There's "Cutting Edge 3," billed as "the romantic drama about the quest for victory among professional ice skaters." The 1992 romantic skating comedy got made-for-TV sequel treatment earlier this year on ABC family.

Although 2005's "Into the Blue" made less than $20 million domestically, MGM seems to be giving it another go, calling "Blue 2" a "new and exciting installment based on the action thriller about aspiring treasure hunters." It's difficult to imagine either Jessica Alba or Paul Walker being involved.

While the timetable on those three movies is vague, things appear to be moving forward on "WarGames 2," a follow-up to the 1983 Matthew Broderick vehicle. The release says that shooting will begin in November in Montreal on the "thrilling story of what happens when top officials try to dismantle the famous computer." No attached talent was announced.

In addition, as has already been reported in many circles, MGM is overseeing production on "Species 4," starting in October. Frank Mancuso Jr. will executive produce.

It's unclear on whether or not any of these sequels will be theater-bound or if they'll just take the lucrative path straight to DVD.

Taken from Here

Fuck MGM. i just got done watching "the deep 2005" or rather "into the blue". Sure it was entertaining. Sure it had T&A. Sure, it was the same movie i have seen 50 times starring Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bisset. They even had a bit of an homage at the very very very end of the credits. i enjoyed it, i did. but really, why does life need sequels? Wargames 2? really? what can possibly trump simulated (though thought to be real) global thermonuclear warfare? well, i guess actual (though thought to be simulated) global thermonuclear warfare. BUT IT DOESN'T NEED A SEQUEL. it is a stand alone movie with matt and ally at their peak. when back door had no hacker or porn connotation. when modems were designed for the phones of yore. and when touchtone was a novelty. oh days of yesteryear, how we long for thee... THOUGH NOT IN THE FORM OF SHITTY SEQUELS FUCKIN MGM!

ok, legally blonde 3? who the fuck saw legally blonde 2? was there even a need for #2? no. i'm just gonna glaze over casino royale and rocky balboa... they're jokes unto themselves. having had a past in working with horses, i see no need to beat a dead one.

i guess the icing on the cake really comes with the AMAZING decisions to make "the cutting edge 3" and "species 4". now, "the cutting edge 2, going for the gold" was a straight to video flop which i'll someday rent with my blockbuster rewards for free... but not today. i know of not one single person who has seen said movie. so why would they make a third? i know not. bastards. species 4? fuck, what happened to species 2 and 3? never heard of 'em next!

all in all i think MGM is doing the lazy thing and trying to generate revenue off of lost causes and quasi patent money makers. none of this makes sense as the viewing public at large has been demanding new and fresh material for some time. the industry tries to blame piracy for their lack of revenue, when they should look inward at the dreck and pap they have been spewing. please, let me watch shitty, overly CGI'd remakes of classics. oh please oh please can i spend 10 dollars to see a re-hash of a movie i liked 20 years ago be updated in a half assed shitty way with no acknowldgement to the original. where i come from, that's plagarism. dick.

i guess what i'm trying to say is: i don't mind if a movie is formulaic. or shitty. everyone here knows my penchant for shitty movies. but, don't try to be something you're not. and don't take your movie overly serious if you're an unoriginal piece of shit working of an 80 year old script of "rasputin and the empress". MGM, Universal, Sony, MTV, Disnep* and Warner, YOU ALL SUCK! grow some balls in your mainstream studios and don't just relegate good films to your "independant" labels like DIMENSION and LION'S GATE (which by the way has been severely lacking). i say this now, because i can, sell all your stocks in MGM. the same for Sony. Sony is going to plummet in the next couple years, and MGM will be bought out again. neither are returning on their speculations and both are making decisions only the daft and mad make. so, sell em all right now, so you can afford to buy back into them when they hit $0.20/share. think i'm fucking with you? sony has a history of fuck ups. the advent of the CD and the adoption of BETA by the television industry are the only things that kept that company afloat this long. blu-ray? PS3? dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. both, are going to be their repeat of betamax. though they may be superior technologies, unless you can bring it to the masses for cheap, you suck ass and like it. wow, way off topic. basically, the state of movies sucks these days. we all know it. so, go see beerfest or snakes on a plane. both are worth it, and neither takes itself nearly as serious as many other pieces of crap out there. /end rant. wow, i am one long winded self absorbed sonofabitch.
*Disney will always be known as Disnep to me since the cursive Y in the handwritten version of their name always looked like a P to me. hey, as a 4 year old trying to make sense of the world, Disnep worked. and it still works for me. next time you see it, try to not make the same mistake. i dare you.

16 September 2006

The Muslims are pissed. Again

wow, what else is new. apparently the pope gave a speech in which he denounced the spread of the religion through violence. all religion. all violence. but because he made mention of the formative years of islam, in a quote from a 14th century text, THOSE PEOPLE are now up in arms. they want a formal apology from the pope.

now, is it just me or are THESE PEOPLE backwards? you want an apology... or what? you'll get angry? you'll pray? you'll send suicide bombers to the vatican? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DISAGREE WITH? help me understand why you are angry that the pope denounced violence to spread religion? ALL RELIGION. he knows the catholic church sure fucked up a lot in its younger years and used violence and intimidation to proliferate. he knows islam was born of the same. so where's the problem?

it strikes me that people on the fringe of islam, and hell judging by the reaction to a drawing, most of the rest of islam just isn't happy unless they are bitching about something. their kinda like dirty hippies. only, instead of some earth worship crap, they have a judeo-christian amalgamated religion born of the two yet hating both that it stole from. this is why i despise religion in an organized form. too many nutjobs with too little sense.

basically, this is what it boils down to

Dear Islam,
In recent decades many horrible things have been done in your name by people fanatical to causes. This in turn has sullied your name. While you have done little to repair this breach, and even have a hard time denouncing such people, we have grown intolerant of your grumblings. So, dear Islam, we would like to introduce you Mr. Legto Standon. Someday he may be your friend, but right now you need to shut your fucking mouth and listen to what people are saying.
Deepest Regards,

And now for some links.

when doing a sports recap on live tv. it's a good idea to know it's LIVE TV. oh, and you shouldn't drop f bombs.

The top 5 comedians who had it, then lost it, and how they can get it back. even cracked agrees with me.

uhh... do yourself a favor and check out these pictures and read up on this bolivian prison. i've lived in worse apartments.

this is what happens when you try to jump beyond your skill level. sounds like a sucking chest wound to me. silly BMX guys.

apparently, your shoes do fly off when you get hit by a car. the response time is amazing by the fire department though.

ummm... i, uhh... it's porno... with pterodactyls... i'm confused. this is not safe for work. or for boners. but it is great for a laugh. i... have no words.

04 September 2006


Oh steve, you will be missed. you named your daughter after your dog, and loved taunting deadly animals. we watched you get bit, and hurt and all the while you educated us on the environmental impact of non indigenous animals on a closed system. now, i will find people to give me a grant to mount an expedition to kill that stingray... have fun tormenting the gators in the hereafter.


So, i've been renting a lot of movies lately, and for some reason, i feel that i owe you, my dear readers, a service. a service to save you time and boredom. so, i have some movie reviews for you:

Snakes on a Plane: Go see it. Stop trying to find reviews. you'll love it. don't take it seriously. love it, embrace it. DO IT!

Snakes on a Train: Wow, where to begin... the acting? horrible. the snakes? laughable sense of scale (which i love!). the plot? a girl's family puts an ancient curse on her when she decides to marry the non mayan equivilant of a gentile. this curse, causes her insides to turn into snakes which she vomits out in a blueish oooze. it's kinda ok. not as entertaining as it could have been. however, the totally non sequitur ending was so totally worth it.

BeerFest: GREATEST.MOVIE.EVAR! don't question me. just do it. NOW!

The Matador: Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan? this movie surpassed my expectations. i kept seeing it on the shelves. i kept passing it by. i finally figured i'd rent it. i mean, i like both the actors. i didn't even read the blurb on the back. i just grabbed and ran. am i ever glad i did. it's a movie about a hitman (brosnan) who befriends Kinnear. the dysfunctional friendship and brosnan's performance as a cad really make this a dark comedy worth watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: This was another one i kept seeing on the shelf and finally decided to rent. I LOVED IT. Robert Downy and Val Kilmer really make this movie a fucking hilarious piece of work. this movie is to the mystery drama what scream was to the horror genre. At no point does this movie take itself seriously and actually takes the time to call the audience idiots. in fact, during one "reveal" they even bring back abraham lincoln from the grave (no, it has nothing to do with anything else in the movie). so again, do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

The Sentinel: This decent movie is formulaic at best, and predictable at worst. while the plot has been done, all of it to some extent or another, it is still highly entertaining. if you really need a plot summary basically, think: 24 season 1, coupled with in the line of fire, smacked in the face with US Marshals. it's a decent way to pass the time, plus, sledge hammer plays the president! w00t!

The Constant Gardener: let me transcribe the back of box for you:
Academy award nominee Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz give electrifying performances in this gripping suspense-thriller. A diplomat on the hunt for his wife's murderer uncovers a treacherous conspiracy that will destroy millions of innocent people-unless he can reveal its sinister roots. from the best selling... comes the edge-of-your-seat story of murder, deception and revenge that critics are calling "a hair-raising thriller with an unforgettable finale" (karen durbin, elle).
I want to find that bitch Karen Durbin and give her a "hair raising thriller with an unforgettable ending." this movie... had a runtime of just over two hours. i decided to check on the elapsed time at one point because the story seemed like it had a way to go but it also seemed as though i was nearing the two hour mark. turns out only 40 minutes had elapsed. this movie, moved so painfully slow i thought about shutting it off several times, but i was stuck in the movies pace, so the thought went from my head at 40 minutes in. it took till an hour after that piece of shit ended for me to actually turn it off. every 5 minutes it felt like i was being pitched liberal propaganda, which is fine if it drives the plot. it didn't. the wooden unemotional acting didn't either. if someone wants you to watch this movie, poke them in the eye. then run. they have shitty taste in movies.

H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Wall of Sleep: this. piece. of. shit. sullies. the. good. name. of lovecraft. the plot? what? plot? unimportant. instead, let's shoot a bunch of crap, use it as filler, fuck up the audio levels, and use so many edits even the japanese have siezures. seriously, if this movie were edited down to a 20 minute short, it could be good. that's about all the substance it has in it. as it stands this is the biggest steaming pile of shit out there. it is now added to my worst movies ever list:

1. The Underground Comedy Movie
2. The Blair With Project
2. Beyond the Walls of Sleep
4. Romeo Must Die

yeah, that's right, tied for second with blair witch. oh snap!

so, yeah, there you go. fly my children, fly!

27 August 2006

Eddie Murphy: Raw?

So, i just got done watching Raw on comedy central. they aired it uncut and uncensored. why exactly is this considered one of eddie murphy's best works? it's crap. pure unabashed crap. there were a couple cheap laughs, though, not with the material, totally in the delivery. i remember him being funnier. i remember this performance being funnier. now, i cuss like a sailer so language doesn't bother me, but really, this performance seems more an excuse to say fuck as many times as possible than an actual comedy show. i literally turned it off and switched to c-span weekend during the final bit about his dad. not. funny. i saw that it was on, and oh boy was i excited. i know comedy central likes to run shit after 10 uncensored and shit. and i was so happy. i haven't seen raw since it was on HBO back in the day. the worst part is, i like eddie murphy. but this just does not hold up to the test of time. even the audience seemed bored, at times. seriously, i just turned to c-span weekend instead of watching raw. this irks me. part of this comes from the fact i was chilling at Rev's place and he had dvr'd SNL the best of eddie murphy. we had to turn that off towards the end too. i now have a forever skewed version of eddie. from this day forward, "axel f" will not inspire the same memories, it will not bring that warm blanket of comfort that eddie used to bring. like an ebony angel sweeping down and making me laugh, and warming me to my cockles. i guess this is just another example of not revisiting shit from your youth. it only tarnishes a once sterling memory.

goodbye eddie...

24 August 2006

Debates are fun, but not as fun as:

Knowing you stand no chance of winning an argument and then arguing just to see how red faced others will get. i think i actually prefer debating rediculosity over actually being right. anyhow, did you know that moose will eat you out of malice? i've seen it.

I don't really have much to blog about. i had to close out the comments on the last post cuz i had 69 comments. and anyone who knows me knows that there is no way i could let something like that pass me by.

the drunken adventures have been at a minimum lately. mostly due to funding issues, le sigh. oooh oooh, i saw SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE BITCH! today. what. a. perfect. movie. i missed it opening day due to work, i missed it saturday, due to work, i finally got around to it tonight. i was not let down. not in the least. it had all the components of a great B movie: concept, titties, gratuitous violence, and lack of scale. oh, true enjoyment.

anyhhow, here's 1 in a million ball to the face.

13 August 2006


well, considering arthur c. clarke predicted this style of fuel back in the 60's. i've been lauding it for years. but everyone told me i was insane. but i built the castle, and it sunk into the swamp! i mean, shit, with a hand crank and two nails you could crack water. and we all did in elementary school. so, it stands to reason this is viable. plus the welding shit is cool as fuck.


oh, and scooter:
This is how i will end this debate with you.

*********update: i have closed comments, not because i am tired of the argument, or am disheartened by defeat, but because the comment number is 69. and i am childish and laugh at dick and fart jokes. you can carry on this argument in my newest post if you wish**********

10 August 2006


w00t! i'm teh leet!

i'm such a dork.

Rev did one, so, now i'm following suit

 Well, since Rev did this silly little survey, i figured i'd do one. i'm not hard pressed for content, in fact i have a glut of content running through my head, i am just unable to form rational thought and cohesive sentences. you see, the stewardess union is waiting a court ruling to see if they can strike, and thus send NWA out of business. but, that's a post for another day. at present, i am being compared to adam sandler, roseanne barr and howard stern. personally i don't think stern is funny, but whatever.

the Shock Jock
(52% dark, 46% spontaneous, 52% vulgar)
your humor style:

Your sense of humor is off-the-cuff and kind of gross. Is it is also
sinister, cynical, and vaguely threatening to the purer folks of this
world. You probably get off on that. You would cut a greasy fart, then blame it on your mom, and then just shrug when someone pointed out that she's dead.

Yours is hands-down the most outrageous sense of humor; you like things
trangressive and hardcore. It's highly likely (a) you have no limits (b) you have no scruples and (c) you have no job. Ironically, it's your type of humor that can make the biggest bucks in show business.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Howard Stern - Adam Sandler - Roseanne Barr

The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on darkness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on spontaneity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on vulgarity
Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

wow, 99th percentile bitches! though, i thought the questions were kinda lame. but, whatever. 

01 August 2006

Got a meme in the mail now i'm making it meme madness monday! (yes i know it's tuesday)

Four things about me:

A): Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Bouncer
2. Applebees Broil cook
3. Security guard
4. Barn Manager/all around evertyhing guy at an HJ barn in South Lyon MI.

B): Four movies I watch over and over:
1. The Big Lebowski
2. Boondock Saints
3. Billy Madison (or happy gilmore)
4. jaws

C): Four places I have lived:
1. Detroit MI
2. Findlay, OH
3. Ortonville MI
4. Livonia MI

D): Four television shows I watch:
1. Simpsons
2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
3. Entourage
4. Boston Legal

E): Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Oz
2. New Zealand
3. Grand Cayman
4. Jamaica (heh, notice how i didn't put anything domestic in there. aren't i cool. i mean, look at me. i've been places. god i'm a jackass)

F): Four web sites I visit daily:
1. Fark
2. wikipedia
3. imdb
4. my yahoo

G). Four of my favorites foods:
1. Tortellini in cream sauce or pesto
2. Blackened Sirloin with crumbled bleu cheese
3. BLT Pizza
4. beer brats

H): Four places I would rather be right now:
1. On a boat somewhere in the pacific or atlantic.
2. On a golf course
3. out of debt
4. anywhere that the heat index isn't 104 degrees at noon.

I): Four people I tag:
1. if you want to do it, do it.
2. i'm not going to tag anyone.
3. and if you don't have a blog you can
4. simply do it in my comments.
Hehehehe, gary coleman is a wrestler now?

Wait... Windows Vista has bugs?? a whaa?

with a video title of "merry-go-pwn3d" how can you go wrong?

Some horrible prom outfits, and a poop costume. can you figure out which is which?

Reading this article angers me. the ignorance of the councilman, and the sheer attempt at overlegislation... grrr

The 50 greatest movie endings of all time? i tend to agree with a bunch of them. but, meh.

30 July 2006

If I were Dave Chappelle

After watching the first two “lost episodes” of Chappelle’s show, I’d have left too. I mean let’s face it, he had some really damn funny bits in the first two seasons. He had some stinkers too. I never really liked the Lil’ John skits, the Ashy Larry, or the Crackhead bit. But never would you find an entire show of shitty skits. These “lost episodes” are shittastic, nothing redeeming about them whatsoever. Charlie Murphy and that other fucktard are the absolute worst hosts you could ask for. The skits are hackneyed and tired at best. I didn’t laugh a single time during the two episodes, which not laughing at that show actually made me want to cry. So it’s good to see that Dave (yeah, he and I are on a first name basis) had enough integrity to walk away, knowing full well the consequences of an entire shitty season that you had zero creative control over yet had your name all over it, were far worse than the bad press he received while on hiatus. Still though, the money was nice.

On an unrelated note… when drinking and watching “The decline of western civilization II: the metal years” it’s ok to call Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead fame “Lenny”. You will be ridiculed for it at first, but you can blame it on the booze. Besides, not two minutes later the guy lambasting you will say something far more insane. For example, let’s pretend Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith fame were on screen. Now, let’s pretend that said friend says something to the effect of “blah blah Steve Perry and Joe Tyler!”. The fallout from that comment would be worth blogging about especially when he just got done making fun of you for a simple “m to n” conversion. Plus the random outbursts of Journey songs that come after that comment would just be comedy gold. If, that is, any of this actually happened, and weren’t some elaborate hyperbole. Anyhow, that’s all I got.

and now a bevy of links for your viewing enjoyment.

I seriously love backflippers. or, rather, failures at backflipping.

oooh, motorcycly trickeration. dude, you can easily go double that speed. "left leg, ouch?" don't blame me, you shouldn't have listened when i said you could go double that speed.

when following a motorcycle race with a camera on your bike, you should prolly try not to aim for the guy who just wrecked.

yeah, we've all been this drunk at times. but when we holy shit did he just get hit by a car?

hoy shit, this is singularly the worst nutshot i've ever... ouch.

i hesitated to post this since i wanted to try this trick shot on a couple people who read my blog. now, instead, i have accomplices.

uhhh... woops?

uhhh... wow. scroll down so you can read the subtitles. just... wow.

27 July 2006

i'm an anarchist? O RLY?

so i took this test, which i thought to be quite... meh. i hate quizzes about politics that don't have a "neither agree nor disagree". ahh well, i'm all for governing oneself and all that good shit. w00t!

You are a

Social Liberal
(85% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(91% permissive)

You are best described as a:


You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (130, 155)
modscore: (55, 51)
raw: (5449)

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

23 July 2006

I'm down with O.P.P.

Wow, ok, so it’s been a while. So I will start out with simply this: I LOVE POUTINE. What? Yeah I said it. French fries, cheese curds and gravy. So damn delicious. Anyhow I had a ton of fun in Canadialand. I mean really, how can you not what with the drinking and golfing and golfing and drinking. I will however say FUCK CANADA. I had to pay duty on 3 cases of beer, yippie shit right? Throw em a fin and be done with it right? FUCKING WRONG BITCHES! After a 5% duty, 7%GST and 38% MOTHERFUCKING PROVINCIAL MARK-UP I am now paying 50% in taxes which just took my $45 purchase and turned it into an almost $70 purchase. Everything is so much more expensive over there, and that’s without the 15% sales taxes you pay on everything. But, I guess that’s the price you pay for shitty socialized health care. I would absolutely love to see the percentages of provincial mark up on all goods, cuz I’m pretty sure it would be fucking scary. You pay around 30% in income tax right out of your check, then 15% on everything you buy, plus the province skims their own vig on the provincial mark up… fuck that. This is why Americans who want social health care are retarded. Talk to Canadians, most of them hold private insurance, otherwise they’d die in line waiting for any kind of operations. Anyhow, I’m done with that. Moving on.

On the drive back there was an accident, and an odd looking one at that. Someone flew off the road at a high enough rate of speed to smack into a telephone pole about 5 or 6 feet up the pole and around 15-20 feet off the road. That’s hard core. However, you know bad shit happened when one ambulance leaves with siren blaring and not 2 minutes later another one leaves, driving slow, and without lights or siren. Guess there’s no rush when you’re just delivering a corpse.

A couple nights ago Rev and I were out doing our thing (read: getting shit faced) and boy did we do it right. We burned through a half gallon of cheap whiskey then decided to hit the bar. I know for certain I was telling the waitress I wanted to do shots off her ass, which, apparently I thought was a spectacular ass. Then I proceeded to have a full conversation with the 50 year old bartender lady about women’s breasts. A bunch of whiskey and jager bombs later we headed to a diner, I have no clue what I ate, but I know for certain I was hitting on the waitress like mad. She also had a stellar ass and for some reason when I’m drunk I feel that the more I tell a woman how great her ass is, the more smooth I am being. I was told she’s a lesbian, but I refuse to believe it. I want my illusions.

22 June 2006

Fred Phelps

I love the Westboro Baptist Church. Yes, I said love. Now let me explain. I hate their message. I find it repugnant to say that you are happy soldiers are dead. In fact one of their messages is "thank god for dead soldiers" and "thank god for 9/11". I've read most of God Hates Fags and God Hates America which, if you can get over how shitty the design and the message, are actually quite inadvertently funny in their hate and misinformation. This is where my love for them comes in. They are 100% pure entertainment. While I think it's shitty they protest Soldier's funerals, the manner in which they do it, and the cocksureness they have in their whackalooniness is so heartwarmingly enjoyable as to piss a brother off, and yet, provide a solid bit of entertainment.

One of the radio stations in the area likes to interview Fred Phelps when he comes to town and that man is pure bile and entertainment. I have never seen nor heard an interview with any of these batshit crazies that didn't break down to the interviewer just going all crusader on the person and the nutjob throwing out some half assed insult and then continuing on with their clearly brainwashed rhetoric. The really funny part is when the interviewers get flabbergasted at the nutsycookoos sheer dismissal of logic/reason/biblical contradictions. It is this brazen display of "pick and choose" rule following and dismissal of the interviewers and their beliefs that truly provide me my entertainment. It’s kinda like watching the Manson girl’s parole hearings.

Now, while they do provide me with a modicum of entertainment would I be sad if they all died a horrible fiery death? Nope. Would I thank god? Nah, freedom of speech is after all, freedom for all. Would I find extremely hilarious if during them chanting "thank god for IEDs" they were suddenly all mortally wounded/maimed/disfigured or otherwise hurt by a roadside bomb? You know I would. in fact, were I consuming any beverage at the time I either saw or heard that announcement, it would be coming out my nose I’d be laughing so hard. Am I a sick man? Yes, yes I am.

Side note: the WBC (westboro baptist church) has less than 100 members, 80% of which are family... how shitty must family gatherings be? "Daddy, can I have a big wheel?" "No son, big wheels are for fags. You don't want to go to hell do you?”

To all the soldiers and their families, I wish you all the best, and a heartfelt thank you.

Whackaloon on Hannity and Colmes.

Same nutjob on a different fox show.

16 June 2006


Freudian Inventory Results
Oral (53%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (26%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.
Phallic (83%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Latency (43%) you appear to have a good balance of abstract knowledge seeking and practicality, dealing with real world responsibilities while still cultivating your abstract and creative faculties and interests.
Genital (63%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.
Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

yeah yeah, i took one of these damn things. pretty damn accurate too for a shitty personality test dilly. i've been having trouble coming up with something to post about, but soon children... soon.

05 June 2006

Tell me why! I don't like Mondays...

Once upon a time, on a Monday not unlike today (it was today) there a couple of friends driving in a van from point a to point b. it was a peaceful noonish hour. Neither friend saying much as both had just awakened from their respective slumbers. The occasional, "tell my why!?" could be heard, with a half hearted response of, "I don't like mondaaaaaays" and possibly an, "I want to shoo ooo ooo ooot, the whole day down." all of this lethargy was punctuated by neither friend actually breaking into full on song mode (as is a common occurrence). So, whilst stopped at light in transit the driver looks at the passenger, not in a gay way, but in an "I’m trying to be subtle" way, while rolling up his window. This of course strikes the passenger as odd as without the breeze the 79 degree weather doesn't seem so "comfortable" anymore. The passenger makes note to the driver of these conditions and says unto the driver, "heh. Uhh?" to which the driver responds, "I have my reasons."

at this point, the passenger's eyes bulge out of his head, he is craning his neck about, then in an excited tone asks, "are there picketers up ahead??!?!?!?!" you see, the passenger loves picketers. Well, hates, them, but loves to lob objects and obscenities at them. But the passenger can't see the picketers as there are many semi trucks in the way blocking his view. Then, it happened. The light turned green, the trucks no longer an issue, and there laid out before him on the drivers side of the road were picketers. Lots of them. So passenger decided to crawl his fat ass halfway out the wide open passenger window so he could both look at and yell to the picketers. The first group of picketers were struck in awe as they heard the words "GO BACK TO WORK IMMIGRANTS! THIS IS NO WAY TO GET CITIZENSHIP! GO BACK TO WORK!" the passenger thought he had hit the bulk of them, and saw some stragglers and decided hurl a couple "motherfuckers" at them. THEN HE SAW THE MOTHERLODE! Holy shit there must have been around 100 lazy union bastards sitting around eating in one giant. They couldn't even picket without a proper lunch hour. "Sorry tom, union rules, I don't have to carry this sign for the next 49 minutes and if you try to make me, I’m gonna call my rep." so the bulk of the picketers also get the "go back to work immigrants!!" treatment. As the friends get caught at the next light, driver checks his mirrors and says (in a laughing tone),"dude, every single person is staring at us." passenger cannot help but laugh and speculate as to their utter confusion as to what just transpired. a fat man, leaning out of a minivan window telling them to get back to work and calling them immigrants. On their lunch break no less.

I err... passenger nor driver knew what they were striking over. but ever since "the day without a Mexican" when passenger saw parents (non immigrants) picketing the local school board for a recall and decided to call them immigrants and to go back to work, it has become his standard. However, I would never drive past an immigrant protest and call them union workers. That’d just be mean. And I’m not THAT insensitive. So, driver and passenger talked about making shirts and signs with new slogans. Slogans they could really stand behind, and go join the picketers. Slogans like, "UNIONS ARE KILLING AMERICA'S ECONOMY! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?" and "UNIONS ARE FOR LAZY SELF IMPORTANT ASSHOLES!" and my favorite, "IMMIGRANTS WILL DO YOUR JOB FOR 1/3 THE PAY, KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT AND ACTUALLY WORK!" and with the prevalence of the UAW (united auto workers (u aint workin')) we'll never be out of picket lines to hit. Now, if we could get corporate sponsors we could make a living at this shit. Anyhow, time for my lunch break. I cannot be bothered.

This dude made a transformers costume. THAT TRANSFORMS!

Breast implants save lives. as this TLC clip will prove. (totally safe for work)

hehehehe, ALMOST as good as the faceplant guy. but, it is a fun "so you think you can dance" clip.

well, since i never posted it, the faceplant guy from "SYTYCD"

new tourettes guy video. NSFW (adult language)

28 May 2006

“Hey this is my roommate. He likes to pound ass!”

… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Wow… so updates. Right now I’m chillin in the back seat somewhere on I-10 in Florida. The last few days have been a blur. And well they should be as I had a 680 dollar bar tab (I had to take it easy since I didn’t have a lot of money). But brief rundown/ lessons learned on this trip:

I love lesbians.

Girls named Kari from Kentucky who are hot as shit and making out with you will not sleep with you because of the gigantic rock on her finger.

Girls named Erin won’t sleep with you cuz her girlfriend is angry and she just got nailed an hour earlier.

Erin’s girlfriend won’t sleep with you because the guy she’s making out with is hotter than you. However both girls will give you their digits and place of employment so you can call and come visit when you all get home.

Girls named Julie won’t sleep with you cuz your younger brother managed to stay sober longer to spit more game.

Girls named Tara won’t sleep with you cuz “I’m gonna pass out on the floor cock up, why don’t you come ride it?” is not a good line… apparently.

Ordering tequila shots by the handful for yourself to catch up with everyone else that happen to be drunk… not a good idea, as I am no longer vomit free since 2003.

Oh, girls named Natasya from Macedonia who are back in training as a competitive kick boxer and who will match your tiger style with her crane style will not sleep with you no matter how badly they want to because it will get them fired. Also when confronted with a Mui Thai stance, she will grapple your ass and start throwing knees, which in the middle of a dining room is just fucking hot. It’s hot anywhere but it was hotter there.

Girls named Janelle from the Philippines will not sleep with you even though you promise to give her your e-mail and profess your love for her in Tagalog.

I am now immortalized on Carnival Imagination, as I was walking past the dice table I heard the dealer on stick say, “winner winner chicken dinner!” I stopped, then I heard it from the roulette table. And neither person could have seen me as I was behind both of them, and sober (read: not yelling).

Crazy Polish dudes don’t appreciate a solid cock block, and they will return to the scene of the crime after you’re gone. Only to be ignored. HA!

When I am in full on bumrush drunk mode and come into the room and kick off my sandals not unlike a ninja and Joe tries to block them from hitting him, I take exception to his arm block technique and tell him not to shush me like I;m the damn toxic avenger.

Oh, if you party till 430 am and have to wake up at 7am to disembark you will be hating yourself. However when you decide to be the goodwill ambassador to friends in the line by delivering champagne to them it makes it slightly more bearable. Oh, and when someone says to you, “Jesus Christ it’s 8am!” the only proper response to that is, “booze can’t tell time”.

Going through customs with a buzz=FUN!

Also, since the line to disembark runs past your room, getting in line is for losers, instead, open your door sit in comfort drink champagne and watch cheaper by the dozen two and wait for the line to pass you by. Cuz really, why wait in line in you can watch TV, drink and smoke.

Oh, and family sucks. Well, mostly my brother, since he decided he needed to inform everyone at our table that I have another addiction. I laugh at brown words. It’s juvenile I know, but suddenly a light bulb appeared over everyone’s head when they suddenly realized why I was always giggling like a schoolgirl whenever they would announce anything to do with the duty free. So then, for the rest of the night people would just walk past me and drop a kaka here, a feces there and doodies abound (ok, I’m laughing really hard at the thought of poop being flung about so willie nillie). So yes, there is another confession for you. Oh, when people say stuff like, “yeah but, fuckin the roads are horrible” all I hear is “butt fuckin”. Anyhow, it’s quarter to 6 and we’re in Georgia and my brain is addled. So I don’t know when I will post this. But I’m sure I’ll scam some wifi somewhere between here and Detroit.
well, i had posted this about 6 hours ago, and after awaking from my nap, seems i did not actually post it. meh. meh. anyhow, yeah, if someone had an rss and would like to copy the original update from the bottom in the comments i'd appreciate it.

24 May 2006

Yaaaaar! show me pirate booty!

Well, it’s been an interesting last couple of days so far. I’ll try to make this concise… but you all know me. Anyhow, we drove from Detroit to Miami starting Sunday morning. For the most part is pretty easy going other than my brother still being drunk when we started. And since he was drunk, he was goofy as shit. The first part of the trip wasn’t bad, we blew through Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee like it was our job. We made tracks through Atlanta that would have made general Sherman proud, the whole while doing battle with a fucking mini cooper that had a vanity plate that read “UK CAR” to which we laughed and then proceeded to do battle. Anyhow, all I have to say is, FUCK FLORIDA. The way they run their toll road, and sheer amount of time spent driving through that godforsaken state are enough to piss a brother off. So we finally get into Miami and traffic is backed up like whoa so we hopped off and cruised the barrio.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before you with a confession. I, am an addict. I love Spanish language programming. If my cable company had telemundo or univision I would never change the channel. As we were cruising through the states I would simply hit the scan button and stop on the first Spanish language channel I heard. I love it. I understand none of it. But I’m addicted. So it seemed fitting to cruise Miami listening to latin programming. I, am a dork.

So after a short nap in the parking garage we boarded the boat. The rest, is a bit of a blur. I know there was a lot of drinking. A LOT of drinking. There was some rowdieness and some game spitting, and allegedly some bar stool falling off of-ing. I know for certain last night I danced to Beat It, and moonwalked to deafening cheers. I may or may not have stood around the craps table just being a drunken lout and trying to get people to come play so I could yell “NEW SHOOTAH!!!!” and “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”. Apart from all that the last two nights have been spent in total inebriation talking with one of the girls from my bowling league trying to solve the worlds problems. Last night, we solved all problems domestic. Perhaps tonight we’ll solve all the global issues. I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Apparently, when it’s early morning and joe hacks up a lung and spits into the toilet and flushes it, in my booze/sleep addled ears it sounds like he litteraly coughed up his stomach and fed it to an Orc. He came out of the bathroom and I slurred, “is there an orc in the bathroom?” since then there have been ritual tithings to the orc. Don’t ask. I’m not sure why I chose an orc. I was still drunk. And asleep. Screw you for judging me!

So today was our day in Grand Cayman. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I was in pirate heaven. I was just walking yelling, “yaaaar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!” and I was shouting at the pirate ships, which is always fun. The one ship was named the Anne Bonney, who herself was a female pirate under Captain Cack Rackham. i believe that was his name. but that’s where the homage ended as they were sailing under the standard of the jolly roger, and not Cap’n Jack’s. whatever, the Jolly Roger is a lot more recognizable. Anyhow, the one major thing I noticed was the sever lack of urchins hawking their wares. I mean, in the Bahamas as soon as you get off the boat you are accosted by street vendors and taxi drivers and shell game guys and hair braiders every 2 feet. It’s almost work just to avoid being taken in by a scam. But here, it was awesome, get off the boat, and there are a couple of people with signs informing you of their legitimate business and its services and no one yelling or groping, or overall shilling. Plus there are no stop signs. It’s weird. And all the drivers stop at the crosswalks very politely and allow you to cross. I kept wanting to go into any one of the banks and inquire about a corporate account. Anyhow, I have typed for long enough, I need to get my drink on. Tomorrow is Jamaica and I’m sure it’s gonna get ugly. w00t!!

Wow… I really rambled.

21 May 2006

good day.

well, tonight my cousin had his grad party from college. it got a little drunk out and in 8 hours i'm going to be on my trek to florida to leave the port of miami on my way to jamaica and grand cayman. i'm not typing well right now, cuz the jager bombs were flowing freely. i had a point. but i forgot it. anyhow, we're driving to Fla. so for 20 hours it's me my brother joe and my other brother joe. well, one of them isn't my brother. you get to guess which. HA! something something blah blah. yeah, i got nothin. so, leave me hate mail while i'm gone. i've never had hate mail from the blog. anyhow, i think i hear some beer calling my name. gaaah!


HA! you fool! shoulda bought a fuzz buster.

hehehehe. chick does the cola and mentos gag, inside herself.

la la la la i'ma jump off some playground equipment... wonder how successful i'll be?

the worst part is, i have a couple buddies who do this dance every single time this song is played. the sad part? the karaoke hostess makes sure to play it...

02 May 2006

Why I would be a great boyfriend.

ok, so i figured that i needed to list the quatlities of myself that would make a good catch to the fairer sex. then i realized that's pretty gay and lame and i'm not emo enough to be that desperate. so instead, i figured i should list all the bad qualities about me. that way, if some woman wishes to engage me, she at least knows what the time is on the street. so... here goes:

1. I'm loud. and by loud, i mean that i have no volume control. add alcohol and you can hear me from a county over.

2. i drink. a lot. while i don't view this as a problem, past girlfriends have. however, consumption volumes never increased from the time they met me to the time they started dating me. but they still liked to bitch about it. which brings me to

3. I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT. verbal, physical, whatever. i'll try to talk my way out of fisticuffs (the bouncer in me) but when it comes to arguments i don't let it go. and if you're making a big deal out of nothing i will call your ass out and not stand for it.

4. i don't do drama. i don't have a vagina, i don't care about girl talk. i don't care what your friends think about their boyfriends, and i don't care that they pissed you off. handle that shit internally and don't spread it around. that's just poor form.

5. i like sports. i like to watch sports. i like guns. i like to watch gun sports. i like cars. i HATE car sports. i like motorcycles. i like to watch motorcycle sports. it's confusing, i know. but if the channel i'm watching has "SPORTS" in the name, or is an acronym with "sports" in it... then no, i will not change the channel to watch the notebook. again, i don't have a vagina, it does not interest me.

6. i will never be honest about how many girls i've "been with". for the most part, i picked i a number and stopped counting thereafter. no i can't put a name to every person. and if you ask, the answer is always 12. the only reason this is: i don't know the number. and thinking about it is too much effort. so, 12 is what you get. and 12 is what i stand by.

7. i don't get jealous. i've dated enough strippers to have found that emotion useless. you wanna go out with the girls to a singles bar? fine. you wanna dress like a hooker and have dinner with 3 of your exes? have fun. you wanna end up in someone elses bed instead of mine at the end of the night? curb... meet girl, she has been kicked to you. HOWEVER! if turnabout is fair play... then ok. fuck who you want just don't bring me any diseases.

8. i'm blunt, and crass and tactless. well, that's not truly true. i have all three qualities, i have however, decided they serve me no purpose in the day to day. so don't ask me questions you don't want honest answers to. "does this make me look fat?" nope. the fact that you outgrew it 6 months ago on an eating spree makes you look fat.

9. i'm fat. and not in that "does this make me look fat" sort of way. if you have eyes, you can see i'm fat. if you have hands, you can feel i'm fat. if you have ears, you can hear me wheezing cuz i'm fat and out of shape.

10. because i'm fat, i sweat. sex with me is like having a lubed up pig convulse on top of you. eventually i'm done and you're questioning why you let me do that to you when you secretely hate yourself for subjecting yourself to the whole experience.

11. i snore. upstairs, and down. fair warning.

12. i know all. and i will argue a point to the death. till you prove me wrong. then, i will concede the win, but until then... watch your ass, cuz i'll be obnoxious about that shit. two weeks later, after you've forgotten, i'll bring up some information that supports my claim. you will not be happy.

13. i'm 27, lack gainful employ, and live with my parents. I'M A CATCH! hehehehehehhe

so, any ladies who read that and want a piece of the chud... well, you can reach me at:
FindlayTex - Aim and Yahoo messenger.
DrunkenChud@hotmail.com - MSN

anyone else? well.. i got nothin. i've been drinking (surprise!) and the wings lost their first round series tonight. so... i'm sad since now the only thing to watch is basketball (ack!) or baseball (slightly better than basketball). grrrrr. well, that's all.

28 April 2006

This is my friday night

[21:21] Bobby Brown: Im about to head over to my cousins
[21:21] Bobby Brown: what are you doing tonight?
[21:22] FindlayTex: not much. teh rents are gone for teh weekend. and i smell like a pizza kitchen. i think i'ma try to eat myself.
[21:22] Bobby Brown: lol
[21:22] Bobby Brown: but, you want to roll with or? you stayin home?
[21:22] FindlayTex: what's goin on teh cuz's?
[21:23] Bobby Brown: few ppl hanging out
[21:23] Bobby Brown: mostly some dirty fuckers
[21:23] Bobby Brown: im just bored and it something to do
[21:23] FindlayTex: whooooores?
[21:23] Bobby Brown: doubtful.. but, maybe
[21:23] Bobby Brown: i didnt really ask..
[21:23] Bobby Brown: i dont ask the question now that i have a g/f and i just noticed that
[21:24] FindlayTex: meh. thanks for the offer, i think i'ma just get some whiskey and chill here. maybe rent a movie and molest myself.
[21:24] Bobby Brown: right on
[21:24] FindlayTex: speaking of, what alicia doing this evening?
[21:24] Bobby Brown: she is at a party.
[21:24] Bobby Brown: a party that i didnt much want to go to
[21:24] FindlayTex: let's go to her party. she hangs wit chicas
[21:24] Bobby Brown: no
[21:25] Bobby Brown: its in taylor or some shit
[21:25] FindlayTex: chicas i can either hit on, or piss off. either way fun for me.
[21:25] Bobby Brown: and we'd be OLD FUCKERS
[21:25] FindlayTex: dude, i've made peace with that.
[21:25] Bobby Brown: like 22-26 hanging out with 18-19 y/o's
[21:25] FindlayTex: heh
[21:25] Bobby Brown: i have to.. on an individual basis
[21:26] Bobby Brown: Not her friends..
[21:26] Bobby Brown: they all have those gay b/f things
[21:26] Bobby Brown: they are relationship girls
[21:26] Bobby Brown: you have a way better chance finding whores going to my cousins
[21:26] Bobby Brown: some skeezy always comes threw the door
[21:27] Bobby Brown: anyhow
[21:27] Bobby Brown: im showring..
[21:27] Bobby Brown: Ill call you when i leave.. to see if you still want to chew on your arm and molest yourself
[21:28] FindlayTex: ALL 18-19 GIRLS ARE EASY. EVEN WITH BOYFRIENDS. see there's a recipe, it goes like this: borfriend + booze + other dudes = pissing contest. girl + booze + pissing contest boyfriend paying no attention to her + strange fat man paying her compliments = my dick sucked.


[21:39] Gina rip: Hello
[21:40] FindlayTex: are you going to spam me? cuz i should let you know, i'm not very good looking.
[21:40] FindlayTex: and i'm also an extremely sexy pirate.
[21:40] FindlayTex: i know, it's a conundrum
[21:40] FindlayTex: not good looking, yet still a sexy pirate.
[21:41] FindlayTex: i feel it's more the romance of the pirate life than anything.
[21:41] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on
[21:41] FindlayTex: damn.
[21:41] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on


This is a 5 or so minute clip, of a talent show. in which some people re-enact an entire level of Super Mario Bros. I love it cuz i'm a dork. you'll love it cuz you're a dork too.

adding to my dorkiness... watching tetris grand masters go head to head makes me want to cry. i couldn't stop watching. it's like a fucking trance.

Life isn't always easy on the porn set. sometimes, you have to have a dildo light saber battle to see who's on top. no nudity, just dildo handled lightsabers.

the best backflips only go half right. this is a classic.

25 April 2006

Get a clue.

there has been a chain letter flitting it's way around teh intarwebs about how to lower gas prices. it states some stupid shit about not buying from exxon mobil or anything under that moniker. it makes no reference to abating use or demand. whatever, it's a retarded chain written by somebody who failed high school econ. you're stupid for believing it if you read it, and you're stupid for trying to enact what they say. if demand stays the same, and the supply isn't going to see a glut anytime soon, then your prices won't fall. the thing that pissed me off most was that during a news report today, some john q. public referenced this chain letter. i laughed, cuz, well, retards make me laugh.

but here's where i start getting pissed off: earnings statements for the first quarter are coming out this week. exxon mobil will announce thursday, BP has already, whatever. so, after the earnings statements come out, the news is all over them, "LOOK AT THE PROFITS THE EVIL OIL COMPANIES ARE POSTING"!!!! ok, fine, you need something to attract viewers, gas prices are high, and people are sheep. w00t. but, they're businesses. they're supposed to turn a profit. now, stop, and think about this for a second... what if any one of the top three oil companies actually posted a loss? personally, i don't want to see that day. that will be an ugly day. now, instead of getting all preachy and talking about shit that everybody should know, i'm simply going to point out some math:

this is going to be tailored to michigan, as it's the state i live in

crude oil/barrel...........$70.00 ($1.40/gal)
michigan state tax.........$0.19875/gal plus 6% sales tax
federal excise tax.........$0.184/gal

so right now, we have:

+ $0.184

this price does not include the 6% sales tax. which if it did would put it at $1.89/gal. now, since i couldn't find any reliable sources as to the cost per gallon to refine crude i'm just going to pose a simple question: with gas prices in the area around $2.89/gal do you think you can refine, store, transport, pay your employees, and turn a profit for less than one dollar per gallon? well, actually to be really fair, less than $0.94 (we still need to add the sales tax on). i mean, gas stations run themselves right? there's no overhead, so owners shouldn't need to mark up the product at all right?

anyhow, for 1979, adjusted for inflation the average price per gallon was $2.93 and that was adjusted to 2000 dollars. this being 2006 that sum would be quite a bit higher pushing it over $3.00/gallon. blah blah blah blah. i'm sick of hearing people bitch and moan and blame the oil companies cuz they're teh evil. well, without them you'd be walking asshole. so either, drive less, or shut your cake hole.

for the record:
BP's first quarter report:.............$5.6 billion (-$1 billion from 2005)
Google's first quarter report:......$2.3 billion
Pfizer's first quarter report:........$4.1 billion
McDonalds first quarter report:..$5.1 billion

and some light reading if you want it:
in case you don't pay attention at the pump and want to see what your state is charging you per gallon

the study commissioned by the state of michigan in 2000 for gas prices, trends, etc. (pdf)

so anyhow, i'm tired now, it's 7am, and i am all preached out.