24 May 2006

Yaaaaar! show me pirate booty!

Well, it’s been an interesting last couple of days so far. I’ll try to make this concise… but you all know me. Anyhow, we drove from Detroit to Miami starting Sunday morning. For the most part is pretty easy going other than my brother still being drunk when we started. And since he was drunk, he was goofy as shit. The first part of the trip wasn’t bad, we blew through Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee like it was our job. We made tracks through Atlanta that would have made general Sherman proud, the whole while doing battle with a fucking mini cooper that had a vanity plate that read “UK CAR” to which we laughed and then proceeded to do battle. Anyhow, all I have to say is, FUCK FLORIDA. The way they run their toll road, and sheer amount of time spent driving through that godforsaken state are enough to piss a brother off. So we finally get into Miami and traffic is backed up like whoa so we hopped off and cruised the barrio.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I stand before you with a confession. I, am an addict. I love Spanish language programming. If my cable company had telemundo or univision I would never change the channel. As we were cruising through the states I would simply hit the scan button and stop on the first Spanish language channel I heard. I love it. I understand none of it. But I’m addicted. So it seemed fitting to cruise Miami listening to latin programming. I, am a dork.

So after a short nap in the parking garage we boarded the boat. The rest, is a bit of a blur. I know there was a lot of drinking. A LOT of drinking. There was some rowdieness and some game spitting, and allegedly some bar stool falling off of-ing. I know for certain last night I danced to Beat It, and moonwalked to deafening cheers. I may or may not have stood around the craps table just being a drunken lout and trying to get people to come play so I could yell “NEW SHOOTAH!!!!” and “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!”. Apart from all that the last two nights have been spent in total inebriation talking with one of the girls from my bowling league trying to solve the worlds problems. Last night, we solved all problems domestic. Perhaps tonight we’ll solve all the global issues. I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Apparently, when it’s early morning and joe hacks up a lung and spits into the toilet and flushes it, in my booze/sleep addled ears it sounds like he litteraly coughed up his stomach and fed it to an Orc. He came out of the bathroom and I slurred, “is there an orc in the bathroom?” since then there have been ritual tithings to the orc. Don’t ask. I’m not sure why I chose an orc. I was still drunk. And asleep. Screw you for judging me!

So today was our day in Grand Cayman. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I was in pirate heaven. I was just walking yelling, “yaaaar! Avast ye scurvy dogs!” and I was shouting at the pirate ships, which is always fun. The one ship was named the Anne Bonney, who herself was a female pirate under Captain Cack Rackham. i believe that was his name. but that’s where the homage ended as they were sailing under the standard of the jolly roger, and not Cap’n Jack’s. whatever, the Jolly Roger is a lot more recognizable. Anyhow, the one major thing I noticed was the sever lack of urchins hawking their wares. I mean, in the Bahamas as soon as you get off the boat you are accosted by street vendors and taxi drivers and shell game guys and hair braiders every 2 feet. It’s almost work just to avoid being taken in by a scam. But here, it was awesome, get off the boat, and there are a couple of people with signs informing you of their legitimate business and its services and no one yelling or groping, or overall shilling. Plus there are no stop signs. It’s weird. And all the drivers stop at the crosswalks very politely and allow you to cross. I kept wanting to go into any one of the banks and inquire about a corporate account. Anyhow, I have typed for long enough, I need to get my drink on. Tomorrow is Jamaica and I’m sure it’s gonna get ugly. w00t!!

Wow… I really rambled.


Coyote Mike said...

I judge thee to be a drunked idiot and hereby sentence you to two hours of being poked by a pointy stick.

Chuck said...

That is awesome just awesome.

Kristin said...

Hurray for cruising!

Um, does this mean that we get to watch Mexican soap 24/7 once we're married? I'm just asking 'cause they are fan-tas-tic and nobody will watch them with me.

Steph said...

You. Crack. Me. UP!

That is all.

Drunken Chud said...

mike, thank you. it was a well earned punishment. by the way, i met a dude named mike who was from nebraska on the cruise. he's an excavator by trade, so it wasn't you. fear not.

thanks chuck.

kristin! absolutely! univision has two of the greatest. apuesta por un amore and i can't think of the other one, but when i go to the bar i make sure to turn it on. much to the chagrin of everyone else around me.

steph... thank you.

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