29 December 2006

These Dreams?

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?

and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.


22 December 2006

This woman named Dana.

So, i was at the bar last night when this enchanting woman named Dana came up to me and decided to chat me up. she's a beautiful girl, with great taste in music who happens to be a model. a model who happens to not mind hangin' with a fat guy and making him feel special every now and then. ahhh, that girl. she's something special that one. she's got the greatest skin tone, it's a light caramel that just makes you want to see if she tastes like White Russian or like that damn delicious scent she wears that makes you want to believe that dreams really do come true. ahh Dana... the girl of every guys dreams.

and now, some links.

ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse? ever see a guy get rocked by a roundhouse not attached to chuck norris of jean claude van damme? now you have.

apparently college humor can mapquest your way to the clitoris. the female orgasm is a myth and that's that what i'm sticking with.

best christmas present evar.

if you need clarification on the above, whatch this video. if the link goes dead, let me know. NBC has been on a crusade.

there ya go dana, i blogged about you. love ya darlin.

13 December 2006

For Chaz

So, last night I was at the Red Wing’s game having fun, drinkin, and being loud. You know, the usual. Middle of the second period all of the sudden I feel this weight on my knee. I look down and what to my wondering eyes should I see? This guy:

So after jostling him a few times and asking him for his beer and his wallet we were sure he was indeed passed out. When I received no reply to either query we knew it was time to start to fucking with him. So, I had the guy in front of him take a snap shot of me with “passed out drunk guy”

The little credit card pagoda right outside our section gives away something every game for filling out applications. This night it was Red Wing’s blankets. He happened to have one with him so we covered him up. By this point people all around started taking notice. Cameras were coming out left and right. When the period ended this dude with his kid decided it was photo op time. The old man had his kid sit in the seat with his arm around passed out drunk guy and pops took a quick snap shot. I wish I had a pic of that, but alas I do not. However, this girl did come over from a full section over to poke and prod passed out drunk guy. I went outside to have a smoke at this point, but apparently poke and prod chick came back, this time with lipstick.

So, I was outside smoking and showing off my pictures of passed out drunk guy and telling everyone which section he was in so that they too can have a photo op with him. However, much to my chagrin when I got back… he was gone. Apparently medics came up and took him away.

It was reported to me that passed out drunk guy’s real name was Chaz. At least, that’s what he told the medics. However, this trooper while being escorted down the steps had one parting statement, “hey, where’s my beer?”. So last night, we drank for Chaz.


06 December 2006

scenes from a livonia bar.

brother: ever seen "you, me and dupree?"
me: nope. but i wanted to. 
brother: good cuz i have it in my car. 
me: i have it in my nuts!
brother: you have dupree in your nuts?
me: no, i have jennifer aniston in my nuts. 
brother: fag, that was "the break up" you mean kate hudson.
me: yeah. well, bonus. cuz i can spank it to her, and her mom, whom at one point was a handsome woman.

me: holy shit is that k-fed?
table of people: holy shit i think it is.
me: he seems shorter. and gayer.
them: you should ask him.
me: nah, i'ma call the bar and ask if they know k-fed slid behind the bar.
nelly: wouldn't it be fed-x?
me: teehee... I GET IT, EX K-FED... FED-X!!!!
nelly: shut up and call.
(ring ring)jules: bench pub?
me: do you know you have k-fed behind the bar?
jules: yeah, please come kick his ass.
me: sorry, if i kick a gay man's ass that's a hate crime.

me: i'm grabbing your ass.
her: what?
me: i'm grabbing your ass. right now. my hand is on your ass.
her: what?
me: you're dumb.
her what?
me: dumb, you are. zero intellect. no sense. mildly retarded.
her: what? yeah.
me: i want to sex you in the forehead.
her: i like a challenge!

me: hey, you own a muffler shop, how much to bend up some pipe?
them: to go where?
me: test pipe. to replace the CAT.
them: one million dollars, that's the fine.
me: i'm not asking you to install it. just to bend it.
them: we can install a cat for $250
me: fuck that. i don't need anything installed. just some pipe bent.
them: well, with the way the Y comes in, we need a special CAT. so $35o.
me: are you retarded? it's a simple single CAT. nothing more.
them: no. no no. the Y goes in...
me: shut up. you're dumb. i don't want your services. a straight 6 '91 f-150 does none of what you say.
them: here's our card and a couple extras. give them to your friends. the prices we told you are only good for tomorrow and thursday. anytime after that and we can't promise you those prices.
me: i will not be coming to you, as you are both idiots and i wouldn't trust you with my truck if you payed me to.
them: remember, tomorrow and thursday only.

ahh the bar. i love it so.