23 September 2006

"Creativity lies dead on a slab in hollywood"-Kurt A. "Mad Dog" Henning

On Wednesday (Sept. 6), MGM announced plans to expand its worldwide television distribution operation and, in the process, revealed plans to move forward on sequels to films ranging from the '80s classic "WarGames" to the underwater treasure hunting saga "Into the Blue."

In a press release, the company announced that the MGM Worldwide Television Distribution Group will handle the international television sales for "Casino Royale," Daniel Craig's first turn as James Bond movie, as well as "Rocky Balboa," Sylvester Stallone's final turn as the titular pugilist.

That part isn't interesting. What is interesting is that the release says that the Group will also launch worldwide sales campaigns for a slate of sequels.

There's "Legally Blonde 3," which MGM describes with the slug "Beauty and brains bring big laughs," but without any mention of the presumably absent Reese Witherspoon.

There's "Cutting Edge 3," billed as "the romantic drama about the quest for victory among professional ice skaters." The 1992 romantic skating comedy got made-for-TV sequel treatment earlier this year on ABC family.

Although 2005's "Into the Blue" made less than $20 million domestically, MGM seems to be giving it another go, calling "Blue 2" a "new and exciting installment based on the action thriller about aspiring treasure hunters." It's difficult to imagine either Jessica Alba or Paul Walker being involved.

While the timetable on those three movies is vague, things appear to be moving forward on "WarGames 2," a follow-up to the 1983 Matthew Broderick vehicle. The release says that shooting will begin in November in Montreal on the "thrilling story of what happens when top officials try to dismantle the famous computer." No attached talent was announced.

In addition, as has already been reported in many circles, MGM is overseeing production on "Species 4," starting in October. Frank Mancuso Jr. will executive produce.

It's unclear on whether or not any of these sequels will be theater-bound or if they'll just take the lucrative path straight to DVD.

Taken from Here

Fuck MGM. i just got done watching "the deep 2005" or rather "into the blue". Sure it was entertaining. Sure it had T&A. Sure, it was the same movie i have seen 50 times starring Nick Nolte and Jacqueline Bisset. They even had a bit of an homage at the very very very end of the credits. i enjoyed it, i did. but really, why does life need sequels? Wargames 2? really? what can possibly trump simulated (though thought to be real) global thermonuclear warfare? well, i guess actual (though thought to be simulated) global thermonuclear warfare. BUT IT DOESN'T NEED A SEQUEL. it is a stand alone movie with matt and ally at their peak. when back door had no hacker or porn connotation. when modems were designed for the phones of yore. and when touchtone was a novelty. oh days of yesteryear, how we long for thee... THOUGH NOT IN THE FORM OF SHITTY SEQUELS FUCKIN MGM!

ok, legally blonde 3? who the fuck saw legally blonde 2? was there even a need for #2? no. i'm just gonna glaze over casino royale and rocky balboa... they're jokes unto themselves. having had a past in working with horses, i see no need to beat a dead one.

i guess the icing on the cake really comes with the AMAZING decisions to make "the cutting edge 3" and "species 4". now, "the cutting edge 2, going for the gold" was a straight to video flop which i'll someday rent with my blockbuster rewards for free... but not today. i know of not one single person who has seen said movie. so why would they make a third? i know not. bastards. species 4? fuck, what happened to species 2 and 3? never heard of 'em next!

all in all i think MGM is doing the lazy thing and trying to generate revenue off of lost causes and quasi patent money makers. none of this makes sense as the viewing public at large has been demanding new and fresh material for some time. the industry tries to blame piracy for their lack of revenue, when they should look inward at the dreck and pap they have been spewing. please, let me watch shitty, overly CGI'd remakes of classics. oh please oh please can i spend 10 dollars to see a re-hash of a movie i liked 20 years ago be updated in a half assed shitty way with no acknowldgement to the original. where i come from, that's plagarism. dick.

i guess what i'm trying to say is: i don't mind if a movie is formulaic. or shitty. everyone here knows my penchant for shitty movies. but, don't try to be something you're not. and don't take your movie overly serious if you're an unoriginal piece of shit working of an 80 year old script of "rasputin and the empress". MGM, Universal, Sony, MTV, Disnep* and Warner, YOU ALL SUCK! grow some balls in your mainstream studios and don't just relegate good films to your "independant" labels like DIMENSION and LION'S GATE (which by the way has been severely lacking). i say this now, because i can, sell all your stocks in MGM. the same for Sony. Sony is going to plummet in the next couple years, and MGM will be bought out again. neither are returning on their speculations and both are making decisions only the daft and mad make. so, sell em all right now, so you can afford to buy back into them when they hit $0.20/share. think i'm fucking with you? sony has a history of fuck ups. the advent of the CD and the adoption of BETA by the television industry are the only things that kept that company afloat this long. blu-ray? PS3? dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. dumb. both, are going to be their repeat of betamax. though they may be superior technologies, unless you can bring it to the masses for cheap, you suck ass and like it. wow, way off topic. basically, the state of movies sucks these days. we all know it. so, go see beerfest or snakes on a plane. both are worth it, and neither takes itself nearly as serious as many other pieces of crap out there. /end rant. wow, i am one long winded self absorbed sonofabitch.
*Disney will always be known as Disnep to me since the cursive Y in the handwritten version of their name always looked like a P to me. hey, as a 4 year old trying to make sense of the world, Disnep worked. and it still works for me. next time you see it, try to not make the same mistake. i dare you.

16 September 2006

The Muslims are pissed. Again

wow, what else is new. apparently the pope gave a speech in which he denounced the spread of the religion through violence. all religion. all violence. but because he made mention of the formative years of islam, in a quote from a 14th century text, THOSE PEOPLE are now up in arms. they want a formal apology from the pope.

now, is it just me or are THESE PEOPLE backwards? you want an apology... or what? you'll get angry? you'll pray? you'll send suicide bombers to the vatican? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DISAGREE WITH? help me understand why you are angry that the pope denounced violence to spread religion? ALL RELIGION. he knows the catholic church sure fucked up a lot in its younger years and used violence and intimidation to proliferate. he knows islam was born of the same. so where's the problem?

it strikes me that people on the fringe of islam, and hell judging by the reaction to a drawing, most of the rest of islam just isn't happy unless they are bitching about something. their kinda like dirty hippies. only, instead of some earth worship crap, they have a judeo-christian amalgamated religion born of the two yet hating both that it stole from. this is why i despise religion in an organized form. too many nutjobs with too little sense.

basically, this is what it boils down to

Dear Islam,
In recent decades many horrible things have been done in your name by people fanatical to causes. This in turn has sullied your name. While you have done little to repair this breach, and even have a hard time denouncing such people, we have grown intolerant of your grumblings. So, dear Islam, we would like to introduce you Mr. Legto Standon. Someday he may be your friend, but right now you need to shut your fucking mouth and listen to what people are saying.
Deepest Regards,

And now for some links.

when doing a sports recap on live tv. it's a good idea to know it's LIVE TV. oh, and you shouldn't drop f bombs.

The top 5 comedians who had it, then lost it, and how they can get it back. even cracked agrees with me.

uhh... do yourself a favor and check out these pictures and read up on this bolivian prison. i've lived in worse apartments.

this is what happens when you try to jump beyond your skill level. sounds like a sucking chest wound to me. silly BMX guys.

apparently, your shoes do fly off when you get hit by a car. the response time is amazing by the fire department though.

ummm... i, uhh... it's porno... with pterodactyls... i'm confused. this is not safe for work. or for boners. but it is great for a laugh. i... have no words.

04 September 2006


Oh steve, you will be missed. you named your daughter after your dog, and loved taunting deadly animals. we watched you get bit, and hurt and all the while you educated us on the environmental impact of non indigenous animals on a closed system. now, i will find people to give me a grant to mount an expedition to kill that stingray... have fun tormenting the gators in the hereafter.


So, i've been renting a lot of movies lately, and for some reason, i feel that i owe you, my dear readers, a service. a service to save you time and boredom. so, i have some movie reviews for you:

Snakes on a Plane: Go see it. Stop trying to find reviews. you'll love it. don't take it seriously. love it, embrace it. DO IT!

Snakes on a Train: Wow, where to begin... the acting? horrible. the snakes? laughable sense of scale (which i love!). the plot? a girl's family puts an ancient curse on her when she decides to marry the non mayan equivilant of a gentile. this curse, causes her insides to turn into snakes which she vomits out in a blueish oooze. it's kinda ok. not as entertaining as it could have been. however, the totally non sequitur ending was so totally worth it.

BeerFest: GREATEST.MOVIE.EVAR! don't question me. just do it. NOW!

The Matador: Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan? this movie surpassed my expectations. i kept seeing it on the shelves. i kept passing it by. i finally figured i'd rent it. i mean, i like both the actors. i didn't even read the blurb on the back. i just grabbed and ran. am i ever glad i did. it's a movie about a hitman (brosnan) who befriends Kinnear. the dysfunctional friendship and brosnan's performance as a cad really make this a dark comedy worth watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: This was another one i kept seeing on the shelf and finally decided to rent. I LOVED IT. Robert Downy and Val Kilmer really make this movie a fucking hilarious piece of work. this movie is to the mystery drama what scream was to the horror genre. At no point does this movie take itself seriously and actually takes the time to call the audience idiots. in fact, during one "reveal" they even bring back abraham lincoln from the grave (no, it has nothing to do with anything else in the movie). so again, do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

The Sentinel: This decent movie is formulaic at best, and predictable at worst. while the plot has been done, all of it to some extent or another, it is still highly entertaining. if you really need a plot summary basically, think: 24 season 1, coupled with in the line of fire, smacked in the face with US Marshals. it's a decent way to pass the time, plus, sledge hammer plays the president! w00t!

The Constant Gardener: let me transcribe the back of box for you:
Academy award nominee Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz give electrifying performances in this gripping suspense-thriller. A diplomat on the hunt for his wife's murderer uncovers a treacherous conspiracy that will destroy millions of innocent people-unless he can reveal its sinister roots. from the best selling... comes the edge-of-your-seat story of murder, deception and revenge that critics are calling "a hair-raising thriller with an unforgettable finale" (karen durbin, elle).
I want to find that bitch Karen Durbin and give her a "hair raising thriller with an unforgettable ending." this movie... had a runtime of just over two hours. i decided to check on the elapsed time at one point because the story seemed like it had a way to go but it also seemed as though i was nearing the two hour mark. turns out only 40 minutes had elapsed. this movie, moved so painfully slow i thought about shutting it off several times, but i was stuck in the movies pace, so the thought went from my head at 40 minutes in. it took till an hour after that piece of shit ended for me to actually turn it off. every 5 minutes it felt like i was being pitched liberal propaganda, which is fine if it drives the plot. it didn't. the wooden unemotional acting didn't either. if someone wants you to watch this movie, poke them in the eye. then run. they have shitty taste in movies.

H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Wall of Sleep: this. piece. of. shit. sullies. the. good. name. of lovecraft. the plot? what? plot? unimportant. instead, let's shoot a bunch of crap, use it as filler, fuck up the audio levels, and use so many edits even the japanese have siezures. seriously, if this movie were edited down to a 20 minute short, it could be good. that's about all the substance it has in it. as it stands this is the biggest steaming pile of shit out there. it is now added to my worst movies ever list:

1. The Underground Comedy Movie
2. The Blair With Project
2. Beyond the Walls of Sleep
4. Romeo Must Die

yeah, that's right, tied for second with blair witch. oh snap!

so, yeah, there you go. fly my children, fly!