21 June 2008

You too Can be a Jukebox Terrorist

So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:

Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20

Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05

Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37

I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58

Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54

The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07

November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54

Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45

Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32

American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37

Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08

Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05

Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32

Honorable mention:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.

The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.

Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.

Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.

Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.

*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.

10 June 2008

Cruise Recap

So we’ve been back from the cruise for a couple of weeks now and I figure you all want to know about the fun that was had whilst you all were toiling away at your daily grind. First of all we knew the trip was going to be going to be good when, at 5:30am after checking in and noticing that were leaving out of gate C-5, my cousin looks at me and says, “man, too bad we’re not leaving out C-4, cuz we are DYNOMITE!”. To which I had to hang my head and laugh at his corny ass joke, when, not a minute later as we were going through the security pre-screen I point out that we are not allowed to bring guns on the plane, Cwik stops and looks at us and oh so flatly says (while flexing),”But I can’t remove these guns.” Yeah, it was gonna be a good trip.

On the plane I’m pretty sure the old couple in front of us shat their pants twice. Seriously, farts do not linger that long. So, I tried sleeping on the flight which I just couldn’t do for some reason. It was Monday morning and I hadn’t been asleep since sometime Sunday morning. I caught about a 15 minute nap in the van to the port, but really, I was spent.

So in the process of checking in to the ship things started to really look up when four women started chatting us up, this was perfect, since you know, there was four of us and four of them. Anyhow, they became “Team Oklahoma” since, they were all from OK. Later on we’d find out that two were married and the other two were not in fact sluts. Dammit. So we got on the boat, and into the room and I straight fucking passed out till the boat drill.

The first night in the club Cousin and Brother tried wheeling a couple of chicks from Texas that straight shut ‘em down. Well, really they said, “maybe in a couple nights”. But that never happened. HOWEVER, a chick that I started working on, that I put in the time on, was in fact scooped by cousin and successfully closed the next night. She was Russian and hot, and my own cousin cock blocked me. MY OWN COUSIN. However, I tried my damndest the first night to cock block him back. I was mostly successful, but not successful enough. Meh, he earned it. Now he owes me one.

Other than that it was a really relaxing trip. We played some knock down drag out bingo, and I kicked some ass in lame trivia and won a plastic trophy. It actually came down to a tie breaker question, “What is the currency of South Africa?” I was blurting out “Rand!” before she even had time to look at me. WINNER! I was basically going around and trying to get all the free shit I could. I completely failed on getting my free art. I wanted to go get more trophies that I forgot about the free art and never tried to get it after that. Lame.

Anyhow, Cousin got laid, we all had fun, and then we missed our flight on Saturday. Why? Well, they had 8 customs agents trying to process the entire fucking ship. 8. 2000 people, eight agents. We were in line at 8:30am and didn’t clear customs till 11am. We managed to get to the airport by 11:30 for a 12:05 flight. Spirit would not let us check in. There was a big hullabaloo and we were pissed, they were completely unhelpful and we ended up waiting for 2 hours to talk to a supervisor who pretty much did nothing to help us. So we had to get new tickets and I had to cancel travel plans to Chicago due to missing a connecting flight, which meant I was out even more money since I had prepaid for the hotel. The upside? The 8:15 flight we got transferred to was delayed till 10:00 so we got to watch the first two periods of the Wings game in the airport bar. Yay! And apparently Corey Haim was heading to Lima, Peru. I was sleeping through that part, but I do have two product endorsements: those neck pillows, and the Bose Quiet Comort 2 head phones. Seriously, awesome.

Anyhow, since this post was pretty boring, I’ll leave you with a comic:

until i get a chance to edit that, here's the link: http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/drunkenchud/41563.png