21 June 2008

You too Can be a Jukebox Terrorist

So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:

Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20

Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05

Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37

I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58

Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54

The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07

November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54

Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45

Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32

American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37

Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08

Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05

Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32

Honorable mention:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.

The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.

Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.

Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.

Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.

*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.


Scooter said...

Jukebox Terrorist? Nay, sir. You are a Jukebox Hero! With Stars in your eyes.

Kristin said...

Impressive. I'll have to keep this in mind next time I'm out. The most I've ever done in terms of jukebox terrorism is play a bunch of really crappy songs and leave the bar.

Drunken Chud said...

scooter, well played sir. well played.

kristin, i've watched people do that too. that takes a special kind of anger. a kind of anger i don't quite posess. simply because i don't do tactical offenses such as that, me, i go straight for the nuclear option. though i have been victim to your style offensive before. i like it.

Zen Wizard said...

There should clearly be a compilation called, "Now That's What I Call Jukebox Buzzkill!" that has all of those songs on it.

I think it would have to be an eight-CD collection with sixteen songs on it.

There was a Dylan song called "Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands" that was 11:23 which is not exactly in "Inna Gadda Da Vida" land, but somepeople don't like Bob Dylan and so it's too bad it is hard to find as a single.

It's too bad Weird Al Spankovic or Dr. Douchemento never came out with a REALLY stupid song that was, like, eighteen minutes long.
I just read "You make me touch your hands for stupid reasons."

To think that a couple decades ago, they said our youth were having a problem with English composition.

Clearly, that was a veiled reference to Faulkner's "The Bear."

Rev said...

Ah, jukebox superiority. Such fun.

Makes me wonder if Snookers in Livonia ever allowed "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer" to be played again. Last I heard "Some asshole put in 20 dollars and played nothing but that fucking song" and it was banned for at least 3 years. Seriously, you put in money and tried to select it, and the digital readout would say "NOT ALLOWED".

Of course, they would have HAD to upgrayedd(!) their juke since then, right?

Rev said...

Oh, and Zen...look up Weird Al's "Genius in France"

Not only is it 9 minutes long, but it changes tempo and pitch so many times it feels a LOT longer.

Throw that in and watch people leave.

So@24 said...

Chud. You know the fucking rules, you drunk bastard.

I read your blog. You can't read mine.

I fucking love you, but you know the rules.

Also, I actually have gotten drunk and "accidentally" pulled the plug on shitty jukebox music. Oops.

Drunken Chud said...

Zen, that would be a great collection. especially if came pre-programmed on all jukeboxes and you could only access it during a time of shitty music pre-ordained by the establishment in which it is located. then with a couple of quick secret code type button mashes, you unlock the "allahu akbar collection".

rev, i thought was the electric stick? fuck if i can remember.

So, that's that fucking great idea. the jukebox at my local bar USED to have a skip button on the underside of it. i discovered it one day when the damn thing broke down and i was trying to get it working again. about 6 months later they disconnected it. as far as i knew i was the only one who knew about it, and i used it only once in a while. like twice a month. if twice means eleventyteen times a day.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

1. Neil Young is good for some real long songs (Cowgirl in the Sand, Like a Hurricane, Cortez the Killer), and they're all good.
2. The Doors, either The End or When the Music's Over
3. Phish - You Enjoy Myself and Tweezer are some long ones.
4. Allman Brothers - Whipping Post, In Memory of Elizabeth Reed, and if you really want to be a dick, Mountain Jam.

Also, I did a list of way too long songs. Any of these might get you kicked out, seriously.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...


let's try that again.

Zen Wizard said...

(Do your links like THIS. There--that's my good deed for the day!)

Zen Wizard said...

Wait that was messed up--it took out my quotes.

Like THIS.

Because the comment column is usually not long enough for the link.

Rev said...

No, the Electric Stick had the jukebox with the skip button on the back of it that we would always use. Snookers was the one that banhammered one of the best drinking songs ever.

And Neil Young is good for long songs, yes. Unfortunately, his voice is fucking TERRIBLE. So...he's a good choice to drive people out with.

Heh. I was going to mention Thick as a Brick yesterday, but I doubt you'll find the full version on a juke.

Kezza said...

Pure fucking evil. I'm so printing this list out and taking it with me next time I hit the bars. sadly here all I ever seem to hear is crappy trash pop, over and over agian. If I hear "leave me alone I'm lonely" one more time I'll hunt Pink down myself and tear her vocal chords out! Seriously, What the fuck does that shit mean?

Chud, I commend you on your excellent work!

Steph said...

You are the freakin MAN. I love you.

Drunken Chud said...

Doc, i try to keep to songs i can actually stand. so allman brothers, neil young and phish are out for sure. for me at least. the end... how the hell did i forget that one?

zen, karma smiles upon you for your good deed.

rev, i'll take your word for it. i just remember some goofy shit at dog.net pool with the jukebox. that's why i thought it was they who swung the mighty banhammer.

kezza, i feel your pain. but i'm not too sure i know that song. and i'm guessing i should count myself as luck. and please do print this out and use it. save the lives of others. this is your charge.

steph, i never get tired of hearing you say that.

Zen Wizard said...

Dude, I need you to weigh in on the "Dimitri the Lover" controversy.

Ms. Megan said...

Great idea, I had never thought of it before.. I just might have to try it. If I hear "I love this bar" by Toby Keith one more time while at the bar I just might lose it!

( . )( . ) said...

Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45

^^^ Farking excellent choice. Prince is my crack. Just the thought of his music makes me take my panties off.

Haha, I am the sort of person that will try and find any old school heavy metal tracks, slayer / sepultura / deicide / cannibal corpse etc etc and that really pisses EVERYONE off...

Kitty said...

*fairy clap*

what a spectacular display of cleverity.

Stepho said...

Hey, please thank your brother for being my "stunt boobies."

Drunken Chud said...

stunt boobies? whaaa?

Stepho said...

Uh...yeah. At Joe's birthday party we realized we have similar bony, pasty, torsos, so whenever a flashing occasion arose I would call for "stunt boobies" and he would be there, ready to Girls Gone Wild for me.

Drunken Chud said...

that's freakin awesome! see what i miss by owning at beer pong.

Mommy Phoenix said...

Hey Chud! I'm on Blogger with you all now muhahahaha!
BTW you forgot one of the longest duets ever, Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meatloaf, 8 minutes 43 seconds
Add me to your blog roll!

Booya said...

You sir, are a genius! And a man after my own heart if I do say so myself. My wife gets beyond pissed when I do stuff like this but I do believe that I will be adding this to my list.

Also, don’t forget about several tracks from the Boston or Pink Floyd library. And there is always the album version of 2112!

Asshole of the sake of being an asshole, I think I love you man! I recently wrote about this same topic in my blog as well.

Keep up the good work.