So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:
Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20
Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05
Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37
I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58
Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54
The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33
Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07
November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54
Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45
Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32
American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30
Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37
Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08
Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05
Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.
The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.
Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.
Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.
Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.
*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.