28 December 2005

Ahh some levity

what a great prank. sure it's the the old school tape delay lotto gag... but check out the dick biting dog.

i saw this a month or so ago. i was apprehensive as it seemed fake. but, i have been running into it everywhere so i had to post the saddest fanboy.

hate emo? love songs about how gay emo is? then you'll love this.

26 December 2005

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBOWL!!!!??!!

So, it's Christmas night, and I was tired as shit. rev was having a shindig at his urine soaked hell hole (pee pee soaked heck hole as he likes it). Again, I was tired as shit. From Friday night to Sunday I had a total of 6 hours of sleep. So I had decided to forego the shindig for some sleep. I had a pretty good nap kicking when the phone rang, and I was peer pressured by Sahar's brother Ed. So, we stop at the gas station I pick up some crunk!! and realize I should have brought some alcohol since Michigan sucks ass and has a 34 hour liquor blackout from 9pm Christmas eve. Whatever, we pick up a couple more friends and head to the hovel for some drinking and movies.

Since the beer was at a minimum I had to leech off rev's supply of booze. No big shakes. So we all sit through "Penn and Teller Get Killed" since none of us have seen it since it was on hbo back in 1990, and drink, a lot. After that is a screening of “Bachelor Party” as Dee had never seen it, and well, we needed to expose her to it. At one point my buddy Harry finds a fisher price/playschool bowling ball. You know the one, tiny as shit, hollow, about as big as a bocce ball. Yeah, that thing. Then Ed and Harry notice they have 10 empty beer bottles and decided to try a gentle game of bowling while sitting from about 2 feet away. Eventually this leads to frustration and Ed kicking the bottles over and then resetting them. I ask for a try. The problem with me trying is that I am sitting in a lazy boy, with the bottles about 6 feet away from me due right. They were very close to the couch which paralleled my throw. I was further guarded by the coffee table and a wine glass that was on the corner of the coffee table. So basically I am 6 feet away, elevated and trying to hit ten beer bottles on the floor through and over a 10 inch space between the coffee table and couch. They tell me I have to throw it hard cuz they have the bottles packed kinda close. "Like a pool rack" Ed had noted. So I threw it. I hurled that ball and made a mighty contact tossing many a bottle asunder. The noise was glorious. The sound of glass crashing against glass was magnificent. So I had to pick up my spare. I did, and then this manifested itself to everyone moving to a position in front of the lazy boy and standing, not unlike a pitcher. The distance between the thrower and the pins had increased considerably and the speed and accuracy of the throws had increased and decreased respectively.

Thus basebowl was born. It’s a simple drunken game really. Take 10 beer bottles set them up not unlike bowling pins, grab your little plastic bowling ball, stand at least 10 feet away and throw that shit to knock down all the bottles. Here’s where it gets tricky: the pins are the batter, you are the pitcher. When you throw the ball and miss entirely that's a ball. 4 balls is a walk (durr...), however, just hitting the bottles is a strike. Knocking down all the bottles is a strike out. But wait there are 10 pins, what if I only knock down one pin at a time? How can 10 strikes be an out? They’re not you twit, everything after the 2nd strike till all the bottles are knocked down are foul balls. If you hit a bottle that's already been knocked down but don't knock over a bottle, that's also a foul ball. Get it? So as long as you hit bottles you keep throwing till all of the bottles are knocked down. Miss all the bottles four times, and you turn is over, you just walked the batter. Now, some special rules: the ball does not have to hit the bottles first. It can hit any goddamn thing it pleases whenever it wants. The throw is not over till the ball has come to rest, as it is legal for the ball to bounce from behind the bottles or wherever and knock bottles to count as a strike. you can hit the bottles, have the ball bounce off of a nearby players head and knock down the rest of the bottles and that counts as an out (that scenario is far more likely than you'd imagine). So, whenever the ball leaves the pitchers hand, till it comes to rest, any bottles knocked down count. This does not however count for fouls. A ball deemed to have missed the pins entirely and thus lethargically rolling back towards the pins and hitting a FALLEN pin does not count as foul. Hitting a standing pin does. Now, for the tricky rules: if, you hit a fallen bottle and cause it become upright again this is a sacrifice fly. You get the out, and the remaining bottles (including the one you just stood up) are now treated as a new batter. So your count is set to 0-0, and you have to try to knock these last pins down. Simple enough. The same thing goes for broken bottles. You break a bottle you just got that motherfucker out. You took him down swinging. Break, two on one throw, it's a double play. When breaking either one or two bottles the bottles remaining (if any) shall be played as a new batter. IF you manage to break three bottles in one throw that's an obvious triple play and no more tosses are needed if any bottles remain standing. Just clean up the mess and reset the pins with new bottles in place of the dead ones.

Keeping score: go fuck yourself. You’re drunk you're doing it to throw shit at glass shit and make loud noises and cheer, and trashtalk and do bad Howard Cosell play by play impressions. The only thing you might want to keep track of is if you have been pitching a no hitter. Other than that, who cares? Drink some more, watch out for flying plastic bowling balls cuz they WILL hit you, and clean up the glass (maybe).

23 December 2005

oh my god it's the emperor!

my grandmother is sitting here yelling at my grandfather and she is doing so with a towel draped on her head (she just got out of the shower) and it has fallen perfectly along both sides of her face that she looks like goddamn emperor palpatine... i am waiting for her to shoot electricity out of her hands and shit.

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"gimme a cigarette you damned sonofabitch! i'll kick your false teeth out!"

19 December 2005

Ahh Christmas

Stories like this renew my faith in humanity as a whole and show me that holiday cheer is not dead. ride on santa, ride on.

17 December 2005

bored

some funny shit

Why i love hockey. ahh the fights and the fights.

uhhh... Ma? ick, ack... reading this makes me feel dirty.

wow... what happens if the were trying to give him fed ex?

on scond thought, i will not be camera man for you.fake(NSFW)
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bottom link fixed. thanks joe.

14 December 2005

Ahh! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!

So we’re sitting at the bar today and this asshat starts singing. It’s a karaoke bar and he sucks so no big shakes. Then he starts dancing. The odd thing about the crazy guy was he was sitting with a group of fairly normal seeming people. But not really WITH them, but close enough to be associated, yet just outside enough to not be associated. If that makes sense.
Anyhow, this guy gets done singing some rage against the machine song and decides to start chatting up my buddy Bobby. I am ignoring what they are saying and whatnot, I just know some argument and or political debate is going on. I choose to talk to the females at our table. Then at some point this guy just chirps at the top of his idiot lungs, “That’s why capitalism sucks ass!”
Now I am a capitalist, plain and simple. Money makes the world go round and the world is still able to go round cuz of money. So I decide to chime in, in which the guy asks me how much I make an hour. I tried to explain to him that I am a true capitalist and I don’t get an hourly wage put on my time, I get paid per transaction and that if I had to put an hour:pay ratio, when I make a transaction it’s somewhere around $300/hour. Which he tried to berate me for then asked what I do, and when I told him I sell real estate he went off on some jag about how it is a god given right (then he used inalienable right without props to Jefferson I might add) that we should all be allowed to have a space. Now, without attacking the short sightedness of his argument, which is that as population grows the amount of god given space each of us has will shrink exponentially, I decided to use logic. I asked him what would stop me from wanting to take the space he has? I mean, if there’s no government, who would stop me? He said cooperation. The only thing I could do was laugh. I mean, really? Cooperation? I tried to explain to him that it is primal in human DNA to want more, be more, have more than the next guy. Why? It ensures that the alpha female will want you, and therefore your kids will be alphas. Period. More money, more land, bigger house, bigger cock, bigger deer skin, better aim, it’s all a competition for a woman. Plain and simple. Survival of the mother fucking fittest and in today’s world the man with the most money is the fittest.
He refused to see my point and told me he had a hot ass girl, who was amazing, who loved him for his mind, and that he owned no land. I immediately told him she would dump him for a millionaire and move on. This prompted the oddest downturn of any argument I’ve ever been in.
Somehow, he started spouting off about genocide and some other shit which made me laugh and ask what genocide has to do with capitalism. Fortunately he got called up to sing. Unfortunately it was the boss, “born to run”. So we’re all laughing about this guy and Bobby yells at Laura that he gave her the “help me” look. She scoffs and wonders what she could have done; he explains that she could have sat on his lap or something to interrupt. She laughs some more. We all laugh at him hoping he won’t come back for more. Then he does.
Now, just to give you a visual, picture 3 tables. Each that seat 3 people to a side. Each having a space between them so as to allow traffic between tables. So one table, 6 people yadda yadda right? So we are sitting at the middle table. On my side of the table sits Laura, then an empty chair to her right, then me. Across from me is Bobby, to his right Melissa, to her right Shana. Jackass ends up sitting to Bobby’s left, which coincidentally are where his views lay. So everyone at the table was wondering what the fuck this assburger was going to say next, and to be honest, I was a little drunk and don’t remember what he said as soon as he sat down which launched me into a fervor.
After he says word one to me, Bobby starts laughing and moves to the table to Shana’s right and sits with her laughing. All I know is there was huge debate over the companies that own mass media. He asked if I knew how many companies controlled the media, I laid out that there was turner, newscorp, aol/time warner, Viacom, and another I couldn’t remember. So I said 5. He agreed with me. This is not complementary to me. I tried to explain to him that laws of economics dictate that 5 companies will not hold them forever, that eventually diminishing returns will force a liquidation of assets that will in turn renew ownership to smaller companies and then it will build up again. It’s a cycle, like all markets. No one is on top forever. I even asked him if he’d prefer to be in Iraq, and have Al Jazeera tell him his news, or Iran and have it all government controlled or what? Cuz I would gladly pay his airfare if that were the case.
This somehow led to him saying that he’s a vegetarian and that we, as man, are vegetarians. I kindly tried to point out to him that we have incisors, bicuspids and premolars and molars. That alone, without our predatory forward facing eyes means we are inclined to eat meat. Coupled with our eyesight, and ability to use tools, and the body’s desire for protein, fats, calcium pretty much ensures any diet aside from the one we’ve used for the 10,000 years on this planet is pure new age, junk science hooey that makes me want to put a boot in your ass for not having the wherewithal to get a goddamn fact checker.
At some point when he knew I was talking down to him he told me in order to get the girl of my dreams I would have to lose some weight. I then tried to explain to him that the fattest guy in the world can get the hottest girl in the world if he has enough money. He then went on to argue something about how a girl should love you for who you are, not what you have. So I threw it in his face saying, “so a girl should love you for who you are not what you have? As long as you’re not fat? Right? I mean, those are your words. Or are you fattist?” yeah, I called the asshole fattist. And as the arguments raged on, I would pull it out every now and then when I needed a good laugh that he and his fake logic weren’t providing.
After berating said jerkoff about his junk science he launches into a global warming/ozone depletion argument. I am laughing so hard at this I can’t stand it. I am actually leaned back in my chair, laughing whole heartedly and rubbing my belly. Keep in mind this guy keeps standing up and yelling into my ear. I tell him to sit down and quit spitting on me, and I move my beer so as not to accumulate too much of his spit, you know, in case what he has is contagious.
So I look him square in the eye after he rants about ozone depletion and I tell him, the ozone layer is a naturally depleting layer that sheds itself and then replenishes VIA UV rays from the sun. Then I try to explain to him, that one singular volcanic eruption does more to damage the ozone layer than if man had cars and CFC’s from the time we crawled out of the swamp.
At this point I am laughing so hard and homeboy is now spouting nothing but eco terrorist rhetoric I had to stop him and tell him I am bored with his junk science, and bored with his arguments. I was done arguing because he had nothing to add to the conversation. I had to keep saying this to anarchy boy cuz he wouldn’t give up. He kept trying to make his point, or something else. During this whole thing Shana, Laura, Melissa and Bobby were all laughing so hard, I wish I had a camera and microphones.
Bobby, Laura, Shana, if I forgot anything, or left good funny shit out, leave it in the comments. I cannot truly capture this guy’s asshattery alone.
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Oh yeah, after the fat comment from asshat, Melissa jumped in and confronted him about a females inability to be attracted to me and that it was pure hullabaloo. That in fact a woman could be attracted me. Later she would go on to say in her words, "I would rather have sex with you than him anyway". This was directed at me. Ok, women, if you're reading, and have EVER wondered why women and men can't communicate, here's what I heard; "I want to have sex with you, not him." There you go. Now you know.

12 December 2005

PWN3D!!!!!!!

HOY SHIT THIS GREAT! of course i mean that in a tragic sort of way...

No, i do not want to be your friend. asshole.

So I check myspace again today (when will I learn) and I have a friend request from ancient tongue. I don't recognize the name so I click on the picture which takes me to the profile. Those of you who have read my past post on myspace know I instinctively went for the stop button on the music player as it was prominently displayed at load up. So I look and this asshole is from long island, and then I realize this is a band. I already knew I was going to deny the friend request, cuz let's face it, you don't dilute an elite group, I would say even sought after group, with dregs. Whatever, I’m not adding this asshole so I figure I’ll peruse the profile for a second. What I saw was pure marketing genius! if you don't know what marketing is, and your name is corky, and you spastic colon, and you think that the best way to take a picture is to the hang the camera from a string and hit it with a stick to try to make it go off. I’m talking blurry shots of the band, stupidly long list of influences (yeah we get it, you're stoners), and "action shots" of the "band" in which every single person either looks really bored, or really boring. I’m going with both. So then I see that these guys have 7778 friends. Hrmm... with that many friends they should be able to get decent venue right? I mean, just have your friends come right? WRONG! I looked at the bored/boring photos, and I noticed something. Well, many something’s. A drop ceiling, clock on the wall, stark white walls, fire extinguisher, yep, they're clearly playing in office building. Look at the door. Their equipment set up looks like it was thrown together between snacking on cheeto's and zagnuts. So after all of this I decide that if the site is this freaking awesome, then I HAVE to give the song a listen. I almost wish I hadn't hit the stop button at the very beginning; it would have made the laughable experience even better. So I press play now, and give her a listen. Simple beat, kinda contrived, stupid sound effects, then the "singing" starts. now, I’m not sure if this is something only done in "underground" but if the music behind rises and falls, albeit very slightly, shouldn't your voice do the same? I mean, yeah, it's "hip hop" sort of, but shit dude, if you weren't so bored, or boring, you might be able to emote some in your music. But it is the worst fitting, laziest sounding, most contrived crap I’ve heard in a while. R-kelly’s opera is the worst. But anyhow, these kids from long island have lyrics that are all over the place, about being a self fulfilled prophet, and something about not being able to afford a house in the hamptons. I don't know, my brain turned off after manifest destiny. Anyhow, if you think you would like ancient tongue as your friend, or if you want to laugh at the hilarity that is them, I suggest you check em out.

i got nothin.

This makes me want to see the passion of the christ.

other than that nothing fun. weekend was boring, there was almost a bar fight, i had my zippo stolen and that's about it. hooah!

08 December 2005

blech

Ok, so, bar tonight was good. Some lookers, some not, whatever, good conversation was had. Now, chatters is a bar I frequent. Have since I turned 21, which in about a month and half will make it 6 years. I was turned on to the place by my buddy rev, who started a year before since he is a year older. Now, between the two of us, we have managed to draw in an extraordinary amount of regulars and recurring customers. all of our friends go there, and our friends friends also go up there. Basically, I have put my spending into spreadsheets and realize I have put all of Pete's (the owner) kids through college. So tonight, I am finishing my last pitcher I am on my last glass, and I decide to move to the end of the bar to finish my last glass so that Denise can clean my table and whatnot. Bobby, my ride, was in the pisser. I am finishing my beer and Tommy, who is by all accounts an assbag, starts harassing me. I tell him I'm waiting for my ride who then come out of the bathroom, and then he tries flexing nuts with bobby. He's getting more and more stern telling bobby to go outside. Bobby has no drink, has been drinking cola for the last hour and doesn't know Tommy from Adam. So bobby looks at me, and I look at Tommy and say, "hey dude, I'm almost done, then we're outta here. I just want to finish this beer that I paid for." and tom looks at me and says, "we're illegal now, it's 2:35, get out!" to which bobby and I both look at our watches and see it's 2:20 am, I reply, "dude, it's 2:35 bartime, it's 2:20 realtime..." After which Tommy ripped my glass from my hands as I was moving it towards my mouth. he uttered something to effect of "that's it" which prompted me to yell to him, "you need to get the fuck over yourself Tommy." I mean who does that? Take a man's beer from him when there's less than half a glass left, AND he's a regular who has had your back in more than one bar fight, and had the bars back in fights in which you weren't even there?

I have never, in any bar I have ever been in, been disrespected in such a way, let alone in a bar in which I am a regular. I have had half a glass of beer left and bartenders have said,"finish that or I have to pull it." and whatnot, but I have never, had a glass ripped from my hands by some washed up reserve cop retiree and ex union piece of shit. That asshole has done nothing but piss off regulars since he's been there. I think he tried to ban me once. but when I walked in, shook the owners hand and sat down, he tried to become my best friend. Tommy can go suck a cock. If he weren't a piece of shit, you could still comment on the chatters website, which you can't since too many people were raking him over the coals. He's an asshat who just went one step too far. Sure, it was ONLY a half a glass, sure it was late, but the bar manager (terry) wasn't saying shit to me. So to Tommy I say: go fuck yourself. You ever pull a drink out of my hands again, and you'll be drinking from a straw. asswipe.

07 December 2005

Last night

so it was a good night out tonight. lot's o' beer, decently hot ass twins flirting with us, me making a fool of myself fuckin flashdance style on the dance floor (i promised afore mentioned twins i would dance when they sing). other than that, not too much happened. i created a new goal in life, i was trying to decribe (to a female) that the reason she kept moving close to me was my gravitational pul; not unlike the moon to the earth. wich allowed to have a revelation: why should it be, one planet, one moon. why not, one star, MANY planets... so my object now is not to gain any mass, but to increase my specific density to the point where i can have many hot girls in orbit around me. the hottest ones will be in the tightest orbits, and the less hot ones will be somewhere outside the asteroid belt. but when their orbit brings them close... whoa baby you best have your anti preggers pills in ya cuz daddy's comin'. wow, ok, holy tangent. anyhow, hottest line of the night:

"my jaw hurts like i just gave a 2 hour blowjob."

then there were these fat nasty bitches who were screeching and howling and being just general harpies. when walking out, i delivered the line that made people look at me in horror, yet they still managed to laugh:

"man, there needs to be a 'fat girl' season so we can cull the herd."

that's all i got. i didn't have anything cool to post, so i thought i would try a drunken rambling post.

06 December 2005

05 December 2005

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

the single greatest prank i have ever seen. this one requires dedication. on a level so few actually have.

with karate i'll kick your ass

so i stumbled across a list of interesting chuck norris facts. here is a sampling of facts on the bearded asskicker.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

hmm... i did not know. but now, we are all a little bit wiser.

04 December 2005

Fuckin MySpace

Ok, so I have spent the last few days surfing mishaps. Why? You might ask. Well, I discovered some friends on there and decided to actually put information on my profile. So whatever, I decide to just surf, see who knows who, who knows people I know, and what not. And today I hit my breaking point. I'm gonna lay this out for everyone on mishaps: NO I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOUR FAVORITE SONG! I don't even want to listen to your least favorite song. in fact, I don't want to HEAR anything except the TV I am watching (listening to). number one your song sucks. I have never heard of your shit ass band and I don't want to subscribe to your newsletter. Oh, what? You have a movie theme? Oh no, some obscure song from a popular artist? awww... Aren't you SOOOOOOO eccentric. Why hasn't anyone else thought of that? Oh wait, they have! Way to go! Annoying and unoriginal! assbite. Oh, if you're gonna have music on your profile, make it the first fucking thing I see so I can turn it off before it pisses me off to the point I want to shit on computer screen just on the off chance it will osmotically end up on yours. There is nothing worse than some shit ass song coming on, then you have try to scroll through a page that was formatted by a monkey riding a st. bernard who has no concept of end margins. Oh, and yeah, make sure your page isn't a 10MB load. jesus christ it's called resizing, or better yet, change the resolution. unless it's a FARK photoshop contest, I don't want to see your 10MB Myspace. God... assholes.

03 December 2005

It's like the beavis and butthead no laughing episode.

i can't come up with words for this one. i am having convulsing fits as i am listening and laughing to this. you have to watch, cuz the aside at the begining is killer... oh god... oh god... GOLD I TELL YOU! GOLD!

30 November 2005

I'm back bitches!

i got nothin right now, as i am an addict on a binge yet again. finally went legit and got my own connection at the grandparents house. oh how many updates i could have had. some interesting hunting stories. waiting on rev to get a voicemail into mp3 format so you can see what kind of drunkenness is before you. alas, these updates will come later. for now... i must shoot my wad in an orgy of surfing.

23 October 2005

brick or breat.

la face with an oakland booty. wow, what it would sound like if the mama's and the papa's sang baby got back. and if the papa's got rid of the mama's. and if the papa's changed their name to johnny c.

ok, this is just wierd. i count 4 different pics... other than the distance from the camera... that's just freaky.


so, the stolen WiFi at the grandparents hath gone the way of the dodo(kinda funny since girls with drinks covered this same thing not two weeks ago). not sure where it went, people must have moved furniture for the winter or some shit. cuz i can detect the networks, i just get no signal. assholes. so, i managed to make it to the parents house and now i feel like a bulemic on a binge. teh intarnets are teh d3vil!!!!1!!!one!! anyhow, time to drink and watch more movies, alone.

19 October 2005

OH YEAH!!!

ok, this video is the single greatest montage/collage/whatever the hell. many of the webs greatest hits. i had never seen the first clip, had to rewind to figure out what the fuck was going on. and i had never seen the car/carjumper towards the end.

18 October 2005

A couple links

watch it. just, watch it. if you are unsure of what's going on, then you are either 12 years old, a heathen that jesus and America hate or a girl with better things to do in the 80's.

uggh... worst kung fu porn ever... EVER!

17 October 2005

fun with the law

Ok, since my buddy rev had a run in with the law last night, and asked me to post our encounter with the same law from 3 years ago, I decided to give it a go. Since it's too long to post in the comments I figured I’d dedicate a post to it. to read what he went through the other night you can read it here.

****All of what you are about to read actually happened. All the comments are real, I couldn't make this shit up if I wanted to. In fact, there is a gross of comments that were made that have been left out due to my lack of complete recollection. Rev, Drunk, if i missed a gem, please let me know. Also, this whole ordeal lasted somewhere around an hour and a half to two hours.****

Ok, so, it was I believe an October eve when we got a wild hair up our asses about visiting some "haunted" sites. You know, see what fun we can have without booze. Turns out, plenty. So in the greater Detroit area there used to be a huge mental facility known simply as Eloise. Now, the residents of this place were generally wards of the state and thusly interred at a nearby cemetery, this was our destination. We had a vague idea where it may or may not be located, but no real concrete idea. This was to be the highlight of the eve.

We turned down the street we thought it was on (Henry Ruff?). Almost immediate upon turning onto this street we realized we were in an urban war zone. aka an Inkster project. Rev says unto us, "uh... I think we need to turn around dude, this looks like the projects." to which drunk and myself both said, "uhh.. Yeah, god speed". So the first street we make a u-turn as the streets are too narrow to pull a u-ey on (great war zone tactic, makes for great bottlenecking ala Spartan strategy). Shortly after turning around and heading back to Michigan Ave. a car pulls up behind us. A cop car. And proceeds to pull us over.

We're all looking at each other trying to figure out why we're being pulled over. Three fat white guys, in the ghetto, in a beat to shit (on some parts of the body, literally beat by rev himself) escort station wagon. Well, apparently that's why got pulled over. Cop walks up to my window (front passenger) and starts asking stupid questions, about drugs, and we're all confused and just simply saying, "What? What are talking about?". So he asks, "Why we turned around when we saw him?" which our reply was, "where were you? We didn't see shit." so then the cop asks if we were coming from picking up or dropping off drugs. At this point I had no control over my speech and just blurted out "both". Then he asks to search the vehicle.

This causes a chuckle from the three of us as we know a search of vehicle #1 yield nothing, #2 cause the officer a great deal of pain and #3 possibly result in a HazMat team being called. For reference, you need to understand Rev's vehicle. Picture, if you will, a 199ish ford escort wagon. In the front seat, instead of a floorboard, you have garbage. Instead of a seat, you have garbage. When you want to sit down you move the garbage to back seat. Though, instead of a backseat, there's garbage, so it ends up on the floorboard, though instead of a floorboard it's garbage. If you want to sit in the back seat, you have to move the garbage to the way back. Though, instead of a way back, there's garbage. So, you throw your (his) garbage, on garbage, then you throw the garbage garbage on garbage. Yeah, you read all that right. And by garbage I mean garbage. Papers, old mcdonalds/burgerking/tacobell/wendys/whateverthefuck bags and wrappers and pop bottles and cans and empty product packaging. General chaos and shit.

We all exit. One at a time and for some reason I was the last. I was drinking a 2 liter of faygo rock and rye at the time, and the cop took it, smelled it, and wouldn't give it back. Asshole. Then they frisked me. Now keep in mind it's late Oct. and Detroit... so it was around 20 degrees. I get out, and immediately put my hands in my pockets out of habit, which elicited a response from both cops to "show us your hands!". Upon frisking me and finding only Tums, cigarettes, a lighter, and some condoms (which caused Rev and Drunk to shout, "what the fuck do you need those for!?").

We're all sitting on the curb as the cop gets ready to toss the car. A Wayne county sheriff’s deputy is standing watch over us as an Inkster cop is getting ready to have some fun. Upon opening the door we hear the gasp of "oh dear god!". This of course causes us to laugh our asses off. We knew what he was getting himself into. He would find no drugs, no guns no booze, no nothing. He then finds Rev’s harmonica. He stands up, holds it up and says, "Ok, who plays the harmonica?" drunk and I both point to rev. I blurt out, "Yeah, the banjo and the canoes fell off a few miles back." the sheriff laughed at this, but the city cop failed to the see the humor, yet.

In talking to the sheriff he was saying how his biggest acid (or x?) bust involved a couple burgers under a passenger seat and one of the two being wrapped in it. Which was just funny as shit, so then I asked for my faygo back cuz I was thirsty, and he said no. asshole. So drunk pulls a cigarette out and gets yelled at, which of course prompts great argument from all of us since we're all smokers and not happy about the situation. So then the cop asks us again, about the drugs. Picking up or dropping off? We try to explain we were just driving around and made a wrong turn. He (sheriff) begins to tell us where are. A little place known to the locals as "Little Saigon". A war zone where cops dare not tread, lest traveling at high rates of speed or with back-up. The cops then regaled us stories of Little Saigon and life on the beat.

The city cop pops up again and says, "Ok, where's the drugs?" which again I cannot control myself and spew, "it's in the second gas tank. This is the John Delorian border running model." I think drunk chimed in with something about it running on white lightning but this has been at least 3 years ago. At this point the cop starts to laugh and moves on to the back wagon area. Where he pulls out Rev’s e-tool. For those of you not familiar, google it. It’s an army shovel/chair/axe/close combat weapon/sex toy type thing. He unfolds it says, "shit, I shoulda been using this thing the whole time". Of course we and the sheriff about shit ourselves, as he has assessed the situation and decided to go nowhere near that rolling science experiment.

Finally the cop gets done tossing the car and lets us get back in (and I get my faygo back. assholes.) and proceeds to point about 200 yards up the road to a huge, beautiful white concrete and aluminum building that is well lit and has neon everywhere and looks quite expensive and says, "look, up there is flight club. You guys go there, it's a nice little tittie bar, have some fun". again, I cannot stop myself, I point about yards up across the street from where he pointed to a 50 by 50 shit brown covered building that has no lights in the parking lot and no neon and say, "yeah, we'd prefer to go to Bogart’s dude." the cop laughs his ass off and retorts, "shit, you guys have money in bottles and cans to go to Bogart’s! Have fun be safe".

After that we proceeded to meet my mother and her girlfriends at the bar to laugh off the happenings of the last hour and a half. And ladies and gents should you ever be driving around at night on Michigan Ave. east of Middlebelt, DO NOT TURN SOUTH ON HENRY RUFF. Here endeth the lesson.

13 October 2005

quick post before drinking league starts

just in time for halloween. a remix of the "Titanic" trailer.

hehehehehehe, med school students play darndest pranks.

wow, these chicks either really hate each other, or are being paid well.judging by the caliber of guys standing around... i'm thinking the girls are meth addicts who have to "thunderdome" for a hit.

afraid you've been blocked? too dumb to create a new AIM name to check? try this site.

for those of you late to the game, the real dirt behind ATM's. *snicker*

-------

on a seperate note, why doesn't blogger have the words "blog" or "blogger" in their spellchecker dictionary? that's pretty retarded.

12 October 2005

Oh snap! another quiz.

Well, my buddy Cwik posted the results of a quiz on his blog. so being the follower I am, I took the quiz and again decided to refute the results. I love these things.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.


yeah, so other people do not find me interesting. most of them find me loud and overbearing. Which is my true self. I do not hide it. I am a lousy listener who constantly tries to shift boring conversations about your boring trivial bullshit to conversations about my wonderfully important and super sexy problems.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.


ok, looks are extremely important. though, they can't care about my looks, cuz I'm fat and not good looking. but piss on it. I so like smart girls. But dumb girls are just as fun.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


I am neither ready to commit nor am I trying to find the right person. I just want some hot monkey lovin'. fuck love.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.


the first part is right, the second part... god I wish it were true.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.


actually, I have proven this before, I am not interested in working. I am waiting for an inheretance or a big bag of money to fall into my lap. Until then I am content on getting by on my charm, wit, and dangerously good looks.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.


I have absolutely zero dream jobs. unless you count billionare playboy as a job. then yes, I have a dream job. or porn actor. or supreme king of the world. So maybe I do have some dream jobs.

How do you view success:
Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.


again, career? yes I am sort of content... And no I do not need somebody to love. I want somebody to practice making babies with. and then pay the $650 if the practice works... But that's a seperate issue.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.


ok, I don't have people to rely on. I would love to be unable to take care of myself cuz I would shit myself just to have people clean up after me. Then I wouldn't have to work. I could a angry feeb who spits venom at all those trying to help him, so much so they question their motivation for helping people. until one day, a smart sexy young new girl with more altruism than common sense tries to break through my outter shell into the horny guy underneath, and ultimately falls in love with me and let's me watch her have sex with 5 lesbians and some strap ons. does that also count as a dream job?

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


confidence, yes, energy... nyet. unpredictable, yes, especially after a beer or two. Mood changes? not so much. Pretty even keel. though, I can go from asleep to horny in around .0000000006 seconds. So maybe there's some truth there. calm and still, yeah, that's me. in fact my girth proves this. heh.

well, if you want to take this quiz, you can go here.

10 October 2005

pronish

umm... i want to marry this chick. and then, i want to date her.

funny porn clip. the dude is wearing socks (gay!). i think the girl on the table is asleep. and despite this, he reaches his "pinnacle". though the camera man does berate him.

08 October 2005

saturday, saturday, saaaturday saturday...

FASTER FILM! or a faster lens... i suggest playing this as a slide show with a 2 second delay. i wish the photog knew what he was doing, some of the blurry ones would be REALLY hot.

jail won't hold him. he'll just turn into fog, and slip out at will.. dumbasses.

daddy in jail? want a picture to lie to friends about? this website is for you.

the only thing gayer than the album on the site, is the song.(980k) yeah... i laughed, i cried. it's horrible.

you liked the shining re-edit... now face the "west side story" trailer edit. BRAINS! I WANT BRAINS! i would see this if it actually came out.

06 October 2005

Uhh... wtf?

uhh... ok guy... Not sure how long this will be up... so lemme know if it's down so i can remove this.

This is what you get when i wake up before 11am.

lawyer chick decides she doesn't want a boyfriend. she just wants to be treated like a whore. try to read this and not be aroused. and ladies, learn from her. LEARN FROM HER!
dude, you fucked a ghost! funny little production. kinda gay towards the end... but i gotta admit, the thought of living with a slutty ghost is kinda cool.
hehehe, revised textbooks for christians. you have to read the text in the graphics. priceless.
Fun addicting little game that i cannot seem to score above bobbing bobcat. bastards

Remember Kids Christmas is Just Around the Corner
single greatest wake up alarm type thingy ever invented. i want to buy 5 of them. and set them off in separate parts of the house. at the same time. WAKE UP FUCKERS!
yes, i need this. we all do. i saw it a year or two ago, in maxim. but it's come down in price now. yep, yet another frivolous purchase.

03 October 2005

Way to go blogger!



note the time in the corner, yeah, it's past noon. the next day. and i still couldn't actually create new posts. but was able to somehow get the photo client to post that. wahoo.

02 October 2005

some videos

wow, bored again, browsing for bullshit again.

wow, exteme ping pong. watch the guy away from the camera, the last shot he makes you know he's saying the asian version or "pwn3d!"

i don't know what is more gay this guy, or the dude giggling like a little bitch behind the camera.

for those of you who haven't seen the "shining" trailer recut.

wow. just wow. not a video... but worthy.

for those of you who have never seen it... "and boom goes the dynamite". worst sportscaster ever.

and in case any of you have been living in a hole... LEEROY JENKINS! you have to watch the whole thing. it starts slow. i predict 33.33 repeating of course percentage of survival. allright boys, let's do dis!

this guy sucks at zippo tricks. but decided to make a video anyhow.

yeah, most of these are old. but i was in a classic kind of mood today. enjoy.

Soundboards. for those of you who like to have soundboard fights.

how's that novel coming along you've been writing for three years? stewie soundboard

hail to the king baby.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. most of these are lame, but play the ones on the far right "sticks" you'll have to put it to full screen to see them. sticks three is the best.

fuck it, do your own work. they've got tons of soundboards.

time to find some videos.

29 September 2005

Yarr, I'm a birate

ok, so, i've been drinking pretty well, an decided to have a go at deciphering the last post. here's what i came up with:

yi[[eee shit.
yippe shit! the darts team s still ni first place. yes my asopeklling and gramer in inclouragabke, buty Ive been drinking for quite awhuile now.


pretty simple; yippee shit, then yippee shit. the darts team is still in first place. yes, my ass spelunking and graham crackers are inconclucive, but i've been drinking for quite a while now.

So, darts went well, tghnhe I gkt dropped ofrf a chatters. Laura came over to talk.....opk, let';s talk uncomfortablef for asecond; then long haired hippi8e dipshit showed uo. pleasem, for the love of god, tell me that'
s no the guy you've ben writing abiut.


so, darts went well, then i got dropped arf arf at chatters. laura came over to talk.... ok, let's talk uncomfortable for a second; then long haired hippie dipshit showed up. please, for the love of god, tell me that's not the guy you've been writing about

I nkiow him, He's fukklof shit.

i know him, he's a fucklof shit.

Either way, after 6t mionths the luightet went back...it's over. AI loverd her, I really did. She found things that were much bttter,m and UI can;t blame her.;e thought, I have to say,l....that guy..whast the fuck. I turned myseklf friom a fucj=king onghaired durtass tio what I am now for yoiu m, and you go back gto a thinner version of me.

wow, this one is tough either way, after 6th month the luigi (note, not mario) went back... it's over. AI (spielberg flop and haley joel osmet movie proving he doesn't have soul) loved her, i (sic; AI) really did. She found things that were much butter, M and UI (sic; AI) can't blame her. E thought, i have to say, L.... that guy.. what the fuck. i turned myself from a fuck=king, to a longhaired dirtass to what i am now for you M, and you go back GTO (with hemi) a thinner version of me

And when was the last tinme you heard "You" by cxandlebox anyw3ay?
IO shudder to think what thi ws oist looks like as hve been just drunk toing.


and when was the last time you heard "you" by candlebox (gay?) anyway? IO (sic; AI) shudder to think waht thy was twist looks like as have been just drunk to-ing.

that's all i got. updates and corrections are welcome.

28 September 2005

HO. LEE. SHIT.

so, my buddy curt posted this tonight on his blog. all translations are welcomed. i can read about 80% of it. and laugh at 100% of it.

yi[[eee shit.
yippe shit! the darts team s still ni first place. yes my asopeklling and gramer in inclouragabke, buty Ive been drinking for quite awhuile now. So, darts went well, tghnhe I gkt dropped ofrf a chatters. Laura came over to talk.....opk, let';s talk uncomfortablef for asecond; then long haired hippi8e dipshit showed uo. pleasem, for the love of god, tell me that'
s no the guy you've ben writing abiut. I nkiow him, He's fukklof shit.

Either way, after 6t mionths the luightet went back...it's over. AI loverd her, I really did. She found things that were much bttter,m and UI can;t blame her.;e thought, I have to say,l....that guy..whast the fuck. I turned myseklf friom a fucj=king onghaired durtass tio what I am now for yoiu m, and you go back gto a thinner version of me.

And when was the last tinme you heard "You" by cxandlebox anyw3ay?
IO shudder to think what thi ws oist looks like as hve been just drunk toing.


wow... just... wow.

25 September 2005

Oh no, not a survey

So a buddy sent me a color quiz/personality test. always looking for something for content, i took it. i didn't let me down:

Chud's Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.


riiiiiiight. i thrive on a personal life of mutual disdain and discord. i love to lead so that i may impose my views on others. i do not work well in co-op with others. others piss me off.

Chud's Stress Sources
Sensitive and impressionable, prone to absorbing enthusiasms. Seeks an idealized--but so far unfulfilled--situation in which he can share with another a complete accord and mutual depth of understanding. Feels there is a risk of being exploited if he is too ready to trust others and therefore demands proof of their sincerity. Needs to know exactly where he stands in relationships.


sensitive and impressionable? bah. prone to blah blah blah. however, i do have an unfulfilled desire to share with another a complete accord... who the fuck am i kidding? the dumber the girl the better. risk of being exploited? meh, i'll go with it. proof of sincerity? what the fuck? cut off your foot to prove you're sincere! and for the record, i prefer not to know where i stand in a relationship. i mean, i like surprises. besides, if i don't know where i stand, when i sleep with her sister, i can say, "honey, i didn't know where i stood.

Chud's Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing him to compromise, to restrain his demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things he wants.


ok, for the first one, yeah, they're called grandparents. but seriously, is there one person in the human race who can say that this statement isn't true for them in some way?

Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

wow... how... vague. and yes, i know i can achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. if i couldn't i wouldn't jerk off so much.

Feels that he cannot do much about his existing problems and difficulties and that he must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

ok, i know i can do things about my present situation. i choose not to. it's called laziness. apparently there is no lazy color. and why the fuck is my ability to achieve climax brought up twice? this is weighing heavy on me. i mean, before this test, was i only fooling myself into thinking i was satisfied from sex? hoy shit, time to re-examine my life...

Chud's Desired Objective
Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses him and is clinging to vague and illusory hopes.


or to escape from these vague boiler plate statements easily applied to all males.

Chud's Actual Problem
Intensely critical of the existing conditions which he feels are disorganized or insufficiently clear-cut. Is therefore seeking some solution which will clarify the situation and introduce a more acceptable degree of order and method.


yep, it's called sitting tight till a pile of money or a house falls in my lap. or till one of my friends gets rich and i can become a hanger on.

Chud's Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.


wow... profound again. ok, i'm through with this thing. if you want to take this vague thing, here ya go. but be warned, the answers are eerily vague...

23 September 2005

Words... escape... me...

Oh... dear... god...

funny reading to pass the time.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll fuck you with a rake. and other gems submitted from chats. for example:

<.tumult> well that was like the coolest class period i've ever had
<.lasombra> tumult ?
<.tumult> this kid asks me for a dollar so he can get something from a vending machine
<.tumult> i tell him i don't have one (truth)
<.tumult> he says bullshit
<.tumult> i tell him to fuck off
<.tumult> he stands up and punches me in the face three times
<.tumult> sits back down
<.tumult> teacher doesn't notice/care
<.tumult> so blood is pouring out onto my desk
<.tumult> from my lip
<.tumult> i turn to the girl next to me and say
<.tumult> "hey, can i use one of the tissues jammed into your bra?"
<.zyko^> what did she do?
<.tumult> punched me in the face
---

<.Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
---

<.JB> When I was a kid, you could just admire a naked woman. She didn't have to be defecating.
---

(@[e]space) going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion
---

<.Crowbar> yah, if you cut the ass while shaving, you might as well just stick your fingers in and rip it wide open. at least that way you can claim you were raped
<.Crowbar> oh man, i just woke up my wife from laughing
<.Knower|> what's wrong honey? Oh, haha, just giving the guys some advice on anal tearing. oh, alright...just keep it down. wait, WHAT?!?!
---

(placid|work) i knew a girl that was fat just because of her asthma medication
(@Rayn) what was she taking for asthma ... cheeseburgers?
---

<+aeonite> is there any diet plan that does not involve fucking cottage cheese?
<@LordCrank> some of them involve eating it instead

Can't sleep, so i perused college humor's video gallery.

La la la la la just walking home from school OHCHRISTACAR!
not sure what's going on here or what these girls were trying to do...
It's not everyday an elephant decides to come visit you at work. at least, not in this woman's life apparently.
another porn star accident. if you look, i think she actually gets knocked the fuck out.

21 September 2005

videoeoeoeoeoeoeoeos.

hahaha, and that's the end of our weekend. silly hillbillies. trees are for beavers.
Even though the bears and lions played on sunday, i prefer the outcome of this match. sort of anti-climactic
3 second video. ten seconds of you sitting there at your screen wincing and lifting your leg in sympathy.
OH MY GOD IT'S KUNG FU PRON! this guys got mad moves. the best his the "climax".

19 September 2005

Brain teaser

Petals around the rose. i hate these things, cuz when i figure them out, it's usually a head slapper.

17 September 2005

Hang on, let me get my english to cracked out drunken hiljack dictionary.

Ballyhoohoo. Zabadoo. GOYOO! seriously, try reading this aloud, and you will shit your pants. so priceless I have been working teentits and tubfart into my daily repertoire. Seriously, this thing lacks any cohesion, and real thought. I dare you try to read it aloud, and in the manner you think the writer would want it to be said. I have not had this much entertainment from one post in a long ass time.

15 September 2005

Boredom

Piracy calculator. find out how much your stash is worth

Some bored asshole about 2 years too late decides to put all 13 celebrity jeopardy skits in one place.

three drunk dials. the guy... seems kinda homo. and by kinda, i mean he talks entirely too much about watching another dude sleep.

Troy's mixed tape of love... i made it to about 1:40 when he starts saying that he never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wants to lose her. what a tool.

Teehee, she's naked.

Dude crying into a pillow. judging by his lack of pain threshold, i figure he's a pro at crying in the pillow.

Safety Measures

Well, I am writing this as an observation to what can only be classified as overt fraud perpatrated upon the masses. This fraud, of which I speak is known as "the screen door lock". some of you may be thinking, "yeah, I have a lock on my screen door, it makes me feel safe". Others may be thinking, "man, I wish I had a lock on my screen door". to all of you I say phooey. this whole thing came about when I went to step outside to have a smoke. I am here, at my grandparents house and for the last 6 nights, the screen door for the doorwall has been wide open. tonight, apparently whilst I stepped out, someone shut the screen door and locked it. I was unaware of any such misdealings and thusly had not expected any impediments to my egress to the deck. that is until I ran into what can only be described as "a pantyhose barrier that ceased my progress". or something equally poetic that I ended up sticking my hand through. so I submit this to you, the reading public (all two of you), what the fuck good does a lock do, when you can inadvertantly put your hand through the object which is locked?. Really. I mean if a screen door is your first and last line of defence, wouldn't be easier to leave it unlocked. So that you don't have to pay to repair the man sized hole in it when someone decides to walk through? now this is not an answer, I know this. As I do not believe in locks, I have had many things of mine broken into (vehicles, house, apartment) and the funniest thing is, they always broke something to get in. for example, my old ranger; broken into twice. both times unlocked. both times had a window busted out so the dumb ass thieves could get in. My house, again, the keys were in the garage in plain sight, and a window in the back was busted out. my apartment, well, they just walked in and helped themselves, but to be fair, I owed the thieves money and they destroyed nothing. So basically what I am saying is that thieves like to break shit. your screen door is not going to stop them. It would give them less satisfaction than breaking a huge piece of glass, but it won't stop them. so, stop putting locks on your screen doors. It's a waste of money and time to lock and unlock, and install the locks. anyhow, that's all I got. Been drinking and had to laugh. stay tuned for next episode when we talk about stupid people who use broom sticks and the like to "lock" their GIANT GLASS doorwall, and how a hammer circumvents this and allows you and a friend to ingress side by side without incident.

11 September 2005

Just one of those days

Well, everybody knows what day it is. everybody has been inundated with images of everything that happened that fateful morning. as I was trying to sleep this morning, i had on fox news, and they were having a sept. 11th memorial. For the most part is your typical remember those who died, remember those who gave their lives so you could live memorial. i was sort of dozing in and out when they had a moment of silence at the precise time the first plane went in. Of course this brings back memories of what exactly i was doing at that point in time, which isn't much different than what I was doing this morning, except that curt called and was yelling into my answering maching which prompted me to wake up and turn on the tv. then some more talking and another moment of silence for the second plane and some more memories of watching the news with the phone firmly implanted in my ear. Then I started to doze off again and they started ringing a bell. I was like please don't be ringing that 343 times. then I rolled over and looked at the clock. A little after 10am, my clock is a bit off, but I knew. Then another moment of silence. I hate moments of silence, all you do is think. I remember watching the tower come down. I remember seeing the fire, and the shit falling off in the fire and saying "that fucker is gonna come down, holy shit." a minute later it did. I dozed off again and awoke again to the bell ringing. now, I'm not an emotional guy, but thinking back to that day makes me mad. it angers me to the core. But it's amazing how short of memories we as americans have. This is the reason we're in iraq, and afghanistan. this is the reason we're trying to shut kim jong il up. BECAUSE WE WILL NOT STAND FOR ANOTHER ATTACK ON OUR SOIL! period. You disagree with us being in iraq? It's because you're dumb and don't understand how the world works unless the news tells you how it works. learn to think for yourself and you'll understand that a one million dollar bounty on any us citizen (offered by saddam to anyone) IS a threat. and if you truly think that he had no WMD's then you are as ignorant than michael moore, which is pretty goddamn tough to do. I don't know why I started on this tangent, but I'm done. however, I will say, the two strongest memories in the days after were congress singing god bless America (9/12) and W at ground zero (9/14). "I can hear you, the the rest of the world hears you too... And the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!" pretty much sums it all up.

10 September 2005

bout that time

dude gets paid $500 to drink ipecac. the best is how he plays he it off, and then the instant he knows it's coming... gold i tell you! GOLD!
teehee, she said jackoff...
there's a safety issue here... oh, there it is.
my eyes... my eyes... it burns.
Tucker Max makes me laugh. the FBI story in the story made me laugh so i hard i choked.

09 September 2005

The problem with drinking alone

So, in an attempt to recover from the days events, i have been downing whiskey at a rate of several ounces per quarter hour or so. However, this is not the problem. the problem as I see it is infomercials. I am a sucker for them. tony little the gazelle freestyle... Yup. ron popiel my own personal hero and his showtime rotisserie yup. ron's special set of knives... Which by the way is an almost identical infomercial and DEFINATELY the same knives as chef Tony and his miracle blade knives... yup. However, there's been a new comer on the scene of late. it's been on for about a year now, and it has characters (yeah, I said characters) with names like bourbon (who happens to come in hung over and all dissheveled) and hazel (who is clearly a young woman in old make up with a cigarette that never actually burns just has an inch long ash) who comprise the cast. For those of you in the know, you already know i am talking of the magic bullet personal countertop magician. I love this thing, I so badly want one. I can make alfredo sauce, salsa, omelets, muffin mix and quesadilla filling and the like, all in under 10 seconds. Give or take of course. I mean, I would have to have all my ingredients prepped and ready to go in proper amounts... But 10 seconds... I can use the same container I blended in to put in the microwave and heat. or I can snap on the shaker lid and shake my freshly grated Parmesan (that I grated in under 10 seconds) onto my spaghetti, which I invariably made the single serving sauce in under 10 seconds as well. now the real appeal, is the mugs. You can make margarittas or daiquiris or whatever in your own mug, and then slip on the personalized (color coded) drinking ring and have at thee. ahhh... Someday when I am rich and famous I will own one. until then, I must watch, and be amazed by hazel's infinite cigarette, and bourbon's most slovenly appearance... ahh... heaven in 10 seconds or less. Yes, there is a god, and he makes infomercials.

08 September 2005

linksies

incurable romantic seeks filthy whore. sounds about right.
this game is addicting as hell. don't play it.
Not much left to do now...
kind of a neat blog. some of the shit is gay, some is hot, some is just plain scary.
holy bullshit batman! i'm not sure which pisses me off more, the fact that these are clearly fake, or that people believe these.
got a home bar you need to deck out?
holy shit these guys have them all! ever wanted some video game music? kick ass archive.

Grocery shopping

so i started this blog in my downtime whilst babysitting my grandmother. she has Huntingtons which is sort of like parkinsons slapped with alzheimers. so it's kind of fun everyday having the exact same conversation when i wake up about breakfast. the conversation usually starts with her saying, "what? you're not going to eat breakfast?" and me saying, "i have been her for more or less one month, and in that time have you ever seen me eat breakfast?" and she," well, no." then me, "then why the hell do you ask me every damn morning you dingy broad?" to which she usually calls me some sort of brat or something. anyhow, today she decided we needed to go to farmer jacks. up until now i have been able to get her to stay home and let me go do the grocery shopping by myself. today, was not one of those days. so i'm thinking (all too niavely) that since we were going in there for pop, chips and dip, and cool whip, that it would be a pretty quick trip. this is when i learned how wrong i was. i was unaware that huntingtons manifests itself differently when in a grocery store. apparently, you become a retarded epileptic with ADD who walks about one meter an hour and must stare at fucking everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. the one upside is she makes sound effects, so when she sees something simple like a log of cheese it is usually accentuated with a "WOWWW", or a "WHOAAA". she is her own soundtrack. anyhow, it took us, and i shit you not, a solid TWENTY MINUTES just to clear the produce aisle. she literally stopped every foot, to gawk, and oooh and ahh... sometimes at paper bags, sometimes at steak rolls. so, after buying chips, dip, pretzels, crackers, 7-up (have to have it, or else all hell breaks loose), a&w root beer (another must have) and lipton brisk (which she asked at leat ten times if it was pre sweetened)some sunny D, some dish soap, and cool whip. she gets the idea of ice cream. good lord, DO NOT EVER shop for ice cream with an old woman. first of all we ended up with more toppings than ice cream because she couldn't decide on which ice cream to get, so we didn't get any. then comes the doozy. we have to split the groceries in the check out line as to what she's paying for and what's coming out of the grocery fund. cuz it's too hard to look at the reciept and pay back grocery. whatever. anyhow, this whole fiasco, in which we only went down one aisle that wasn't on the perimiter (the pop aisle), took about 2 hours. the one thing i can look forward to is when she goes to sleep i can pull out the whiskey. it's the only thing that keeps me sane. hehehehe. so, if you ever have to grocery shop with an old person, don't do it. leave them in the car, with the windows up, the engine off, and no radio. you will be doing yourself a service.

uh oh

hahahahahaha, NOLA cops looting a wal-mart

hahahahahaha. not sure which is funnier, the homo handshake... or the hosts of the site.

penn and tellers bullshit? Not sure, but i know it's penn talking. and this is, well, a simple social commentary that has been done by everyone frome junge to milgram. but it's it's still funny.

anyhow, time for bed.

07 September 2005

pretty much

yaaaar

this guy hates people named tony. can't say i disagree with him. never met a tony i liked. oh, the write up on tony the tiger is the best.

Dave Coulier has a live Journal? cut it out...

Yes Virginia, i am a modern drunkard. i love this site and plan on subscribing to the magazine

Not sure how useful this is. but it was kinda fun. takes ya back.

neato sound search engine. for when you need that sort of thing.

well then

Well, a buddy of mine said I needed a blog for all the goofy shit I find online. I think he's right. Anyhow, I guess I should jump on the bandwagon and comment on the state of affairs in NOLA... but really, what's to say that hasn't been said. apparently "George bush does not care about black people" according to kanye west. Wow... that's deep. The fact that it's bullshit doesn't stop the left from trying to politicize a natural disaster. It would appear that the only that anyone left of center would be happy is if 2 months prior to hurricane katrina making landfall, GW should have been down in NOLA shoring up levees (which by the way should be the responsibility of the state... just sayin...) and setting up refugee shelters. ok, now we all know that's bullshit, and would never happen because well, precognition just doesn't seem to be as rampant as it once was. the other funny thing I hear, and it is funny, is that when you see pictures of white people stealing they are "finding" and black people are "looting". Everyone wants to scream racism and all sorts of bullshit. now... Here are the reasons for the two; looting is shit you do not need to stay alive for the time being. Period. plasma tv's, boxes and boxes of shoes... booze etc. For example, this is looting:


this is finding. also known as surviving and not being greedy.


anyhow, this isn't really "goofy shit i found". but it's still pretty damn goofy. also if you want to read a great commentary on what's going on down there you should read this. anyhow, that's all i got for now. i'll post more later when i start drinking.