So we’re sitting at the bar today and this asshat starts singing. It’s a karaoke bar and he sucks so no big shakes. Then he starts dancing. The odd thing about the crazy guy was he was sitting with a group of fairly normal seeming people. But not really WITH them, but close enough to be associated, yet just outside enough to not be associated. If that makes sense.
Anyhow, this guy gets done singing some rage against the machine song and decides to start chatting up my buddy Bobby. I am ignoring what they are saying and whatnot, I just know some argument and or political debate is going on. I choose to talk to the females at our table. Then at some point this guy just chirps at the top of his idiot lungs, “That’s why capitalism sucks ass!”
Now I am a capitalist, plain and simple. Money makes the world go round and the world is still able to go round cuz of money. So I decide to chime in, in which the guy asks me how much I make an hour. I tried to explain to him that I am a true capitalist and I don’t get an hourly wage put on my time, I get paid per transaction and that if I had to put an hour:pay ratio, when I make a transaction it’s somewhere around $300/hour. Which he tried to berate me for then asked what I do, and when I told him I sell real estate he went off on some jag about how it is a god given right (then he used inalienable right without props to Jefferson I might add) that we should all be allowed to have a space. Now, without attacking the short sightedness of his argument, which is that as population grows the amount of god given space each of us has will shrink exponentially, I decided to use logic. I asked him what would stop me from wanting to take the space he has? I mean, if there’s no government, who would stop me? He said cooperation. The only thing I could do was laugh. I mean, really? Cooperation? I tried to explain to him that it is primal in human DNA to want more, be more, have more than the next guy. Why? It ensures that the alpha female will want you, and therefore your kids will be alphas. Period. More money, more land, bigger house, bigger cock, bigger deer skin, better aim, it’s all a competition for a woman. Plain and simple. Survival of the mother fucking fittest and in today’s world the man with the most money is the fittest.
He refused to see my point and told me he had a hot ass girl, who was amazing, who loved him for his mind, and that he owned no land. I immediately told him she would dump him for a millionaire and move on. This prompted the oddest downturn of any argument I’ve ever been in.
Somehow, he started spouting off about genocide and some other shit which made me laugh and ask what genocide has to do with capitalism. Fortunately he got called up to sing. Unfortunately it was the boss, “born to run”. So we’re all laughing about this guy and Bobby yells at Laura that he gave her the “help me” look. She scoffs and wonders what she could have done; he explains that she could have sat on his lap or something to interrupt. She laughs some more. We all laugh at him hoping he won’t come back for more. Then he does.
Now, just to give you a visual, picture 3 tables. Each that seat 3 people to a side. Each having a space between them so as to allow traffic between tables. So one table, 6 people yadda yadda right? So we are sitting at the middle table. On my side of the table sits Laura, then an empty chair to her right, then me. Across from me is Bobby, to his right Melissa, to her right Shana. Jackass ends up sitting to Bobby’s left, which coincidentally are where his views lay. So everyone at the table was wondering what the fuck this assburger was going to say next, and to be honest, I was a little drunk and don’t remember what he said as soon as he sat down which launched me into a fervor.
After he says word one to me, Bobby starts laughing and moves to the table to Shana’s right and sits with her laughing. All I know is there was huge debate over the companies that own mass media. He asked if I knew how many companies controlled the media, I laid out that there was turner, newscorp, aol/time warner, Viacom, and another I couldn’t remember. So I said 5. He agreed with me. This is not complementary to me. I tried to explain to him that laws of economics dictate that 5 companies will not hold them forever, that eventually diminishing returns will force a liquidation of assets that will in turn renew ownership to smaller companies and then it will build up again. It’s a cycle, like all markets. No one is on top forever. I even asked him if he’d prefer to be in Iraq, and have Al Jazeera tell him his news, or Iran and have it all government controlled or what? Cuz I would gladly pay his airfare if that were the case.
This somehow led to him saying that he’s a vegetarian and that we, as man, are vegetarians. I kindly tried to point out to him that we have incisors, bicuspids and premolars and molars. That alone, without our predatory forward facing eyes means we are inclined to eat meat. Coupled with our eyesight, and ability to use tools, and the body’s desire for protein, fats, calcium pretty much ensures any diet aside from the one we’ve used for the 10,000 years on this planet is pure new age, junk science hooey that makes me want to put a boot in your ass for not having the wherewithal to get a goddamn fact checker.
At some point when he knew I was talking down to him he told me in order to get the girl of my dreams I would have to lose some weight. I then tried to explain to him that the fattest guy in the world can get the hottest girl in the world if he has enough money. He then went on to argue something about how a girl should love you for who you are, not what you have. So I threw it in his face saying, “so a girl should love you for who you are not what you have? As long as you’re not fat? Right? I mean, those are your words. Or are you fattist?” yeah, I called the asshole fattist. And as the arguments raged on, I would pull it out every now and then when I needed a good laugh that he and his fake logic weren’t providing.
After berating said jerkoff about his junk science he launches into a global warming/ozone depletion argument. I am laughing so hard at this I can’t stand it. I am actually leaned back in my chair, laughing whole heartedly and rubbing my belly. Keep in mind this guy keeps standing up and yelling into my ear. I tell him to sit down and quit spitting on me, and I move my beer so as not to accumulate too much of his spit, you know, in case what he has is contagious.
So I look him square in the eye after he rants about ozone depletion and I tell him, the ozone layer is a naturally depleting layer that sheds itself and then replenishes VIA UV rays from the sun. Then I try to explain to him, that one singular volcanic eruption does more to damage the ozone layer than if man had cars and CFC’s from the time we crawled out of the swamp.
At this point I am laughing so hard and homeboy is now spouting nothing but eco terrorist rhetoric I had to stop him and tell him I am bored with his junk science, and bored with his arguments. I was done arguing because he had nothing to add to the conversation. I had to keep saying this to anarchy boy cuz he wouldn’t give up. He kept trying to make his point, or something else. During this whole thing Shana, Laura, Melissa and Bobby were all laughing so hard, I wish I had a camera and microphones.
Bobby, Laura, Shana, if I forgot anything, or left good funny shit out, leave it in the comments. I cannot truly capture this guy’s asshattery alone.
Oh yeah, after the fat comment from asshat, Melissa jumped in and confronted him about a females inability to be attracted to me and that it was pure hullabaloo. That in fact a woman could be attracted me. Later she would go on to say in her words, "I would rather have sex with you than him anyway". This was directed at me. Ok, women, if you're reading, and have EVER wondered why women and men can't communicate, here's what I heard; "I want to have sex with you, not him." There you go. Now you know.