ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BASEBOWL!!!!??!!

So, it's Christmas night, and I was tired as shit. rev was having a shindig at his urine soaked hell hole (pee pee soaked heck hole as he likes it). Again, I was tired as shit. From Friday night to Sunday I had a total of 6 hours of sleep. So I had decided to forego the shindig for some sleep. I had a pretty good nap kicking when the phone rang, and I was peer pressured by Sahar's brother Ed. So, we stop at the gas station I pick up some crunk!! and realize I should have brought some alcohol since Michigan sucks ass and has a 34 hour liquor blackout from 9pm Christmas eve. Whatever, we pick up a couple more friends and head to the hovel for some drinking and movies.

Since the beer was at a minimum I had to leech off rev's supply of booze. No big shakes. So we all sit through "Penn and Teller Get Killed" since none of us have seen it since it was on hbo back in 1990, and drink, a lot. After that is a screening of “Bachelor Party” as Dee had never seen it, and well, we needed to expose her to it. At one point my buddy Harry finds a fisher price/playschool bowling ball. You know the one, tiny as shit, hollow, about as big as a bocce ball. Yeah, that thing. Then Ed and Harry notice they have 10 empty beer bottles and decided to try a gentle game of bowling while sitting from about 2 feet away. Eventually this leads to frustration and Ed kicking the bottles over and then resetting them. I ask for a try. The problem with me trying is that I am sitting in a lazy boy, with the bottles about 6 feet away from me due right. They were very close to the couch which paralleled my throw. I was further guarded by the coffee table and a wine glass that was on the corner of the coffee table. So basically I am 6 feet away, elevated and trying to hit ten beer bottles on the floor through and over a 10 inch space between the coffee table and couch. They tell me I have to throw it hard cuz they have the bottles packed kinda close. "Like a pool rack" Ed had noted. So I threw it. I hurled that ball and made a mighty contact tossing many a bottle asunder. The noise was glorious. The sound of glass crashing against glass was magnificent. So I had to pick up my spare. I did, and then this manifested itself to everyone moving to a position in front of the lazy boy and standing, not unlike a pitcher. The distance between the thrower and the pins had increased considerably and the speed and accuracy of the throws had increased and decreased respectively.

Thus basebowl was born. It’s a simple drunken game really. Take 10 beer bottles set them up not unlike bowling pins, grab your little plastic bowling ball, stand at least 10 feet away and throw that shit to knock down all the bottles. Here’s where it gets tricky: the pins are the batter, you are the pitcher. When you throw the ball and miss entirely that's a ball. 4 balls is a walk (durr...), however, just hitting the bottles is a strike. Knocking down all the bottles is a strike out. But wait there are 10 pins, what if I only knock down one pin at a time? How can 10 strikes be an out? They’re not you twit, everything after the 2nd strike till all the bottles are knocked down are foul balls. If you hit a bottle that's already been knocked down but don't knock over a bottle, that's also a foul ball. Get it? So as long as you hit bottles you keep throwing till all of the bottles are knocked down. Miss all the bottles four times, and you turn is over, you just walked the batter. Now, some special rules: the ball does not have to hit the bottles first. It can hit any goddamn thing it pleases whenever it wants. The throw is not over till the ball has come to rest, as it is legal for the ball to bounce from behind the bottles or wherever and knock bottles to count as a strike. you can hit the bottles, have the ball bounce off of a nearby players head and knock down the rest of the bottles and that counts as an out (that scenario is far more likely than you'd imagine). So, whenever the ball leaves the pitchers hand, till it comes to rest, any bottles knocked down count. This does not however count for fouls. A ball deemed to have missed the pins entirely and thus lethargically rolling back towards the pins and hitting a FALLEN pin does not count as foul. Hitting a standing pin does. Now, for the tricky rules: if, you hit a fallen bottle and cause it become upright again this is a sacrifice fly. You get the out, and the remaining bottles (including the one you just stood up) are now treated as a new batter. So your count is set to 0-0, and you have to try to knock these last pins down. Simple enough. The same thing goes for broken bottles. You break a bottle you just got that motherfucker out. You took him down swinging. Break, two on one throw, it's a double play. When breaking either one or two bottles the bottles remaining (if any) shall be played as a new batter. IF you manage to break three bottles in one throw that's an obvious triple play and no more tosses are needed if any bottles remain standing. Just clean up the mess and reset the pins with new bottles in place of the dead ones.

Keeping score: go fuck yourself. You’re drunk you're doing it to throw shit at glass shit and make loud noises and cheer, and trashtalk and do bad Howard Cosell play by play impressions. The only thing you might want to keep track of is if you have been pitching a no hitter. Other than that, who cares? Drink some more, watch out for flying plastic bowling balls cuz they WILL hit you, and clean up the glass (maybe).