04 December 2008

Really? What's the point? NSFW

So, I was just watching some porn. As many of you know my favorite porn is lesbian porn. Why? Cuz dudes just fuck it up. They say something stupid like, "Yeah, who's my little cumslut?!" and "yeah! take it all!" Which is fine and well if the girl is a $5 hooker from the Brewster Projects. But with lezzie porn you get chicks actually getting off, with no dude balls getting in the way of my hard on and in general doing some freaky ass shit to each other.

It's kind of funny cuz there's generally no power struggle, just: you do me, then I'll do her, while she's doing you. However, the altruistic nature of Lesbian porn is not what made me get on here and make this post. Something I saw made me go, "hmm?"

Picture this: Chasey Lain and two other colleagues are in a bath tub. One girl is in the middle going down on the other girl while Chasey sits on the edge of the tub and masturbates. Quick jump edit and girl 1 is on her back and girl 2 has a strap on, ALRIGHT! Then, this is where things get a little pear shaped, she goes ANAL with the strap on. really? REALLY?

What's the point of anal in a lezzie production? It serves no purpose. I mean, anal is generally for the guy. I know, some chicks dig anal. I've dated a couple that do. But I honestly couldn't picture them being with a chick and asking her to go anal with a strap on. It seems counter productive, and really, a lame attempt at trying to grab the anal lovers who just might be watching the lez pron.

Now, I've seen butt plugs and all that shit used, but as the primary source of pleasure, I've never seen strap on anal. No, one exception; I was watching some lezzie Fem Dom porn and she went strap on anal. But, she was dominating her and the girl was tied up with a ball gag in her mouth, she then took out the gag and went ATM on the young submissive. That's the shit you expect from BDSM pron. In this instance it was uncalled for and wholly unappreciated.


For those of you not in the know, you need to watch the trailer for "black dynomite"

There are two more on this page. the first one is awesome, the second one is lame

09 November 2008


Scooter and I don't see eye to eye a lot. This is one of those times. I asked him what exactly it is that W screwed up. Since most people are just content to blame everything from Katrina to the economy on him, I wanted specifics. Here is his original comment for those too lazy to click on the post below to read the comment.

"Well, his partial privatization of social security scheme went over like a dead skunk on a Thanksgiving platter.

His deregulation of wall street, enacted by congress, has come to bite us on the ass.

Iraq's strategy was a piece of shit until after the 2006 elections, when he started listening to what people like John McCain were saying.

It doesn't help that he's socially awkward and says things that are inappropriate. I think he is mildly autistic. Kim doesn't want to give him that much credit.

The partial privatization was a great idea. I think total privatization is needed and the gub needs to keep their hands off. Anyway.

The deregulation of Wall Street is biting us in the ass how? Last I checked it was the financial sector that was failing. And in the entirety of his tenure he never once deregulated the financial sector. In fact with the addition of Sarbanes-Oxley he actually put in place financial and Wall Street regulations to help protect investors from accounting scandals. On top of that the current housing/lending/financial crisis dates back to carter, then picked up again by Clinton. Allow me to explain:

The community reinvestment act of 1977 told the banks that received FDIC money they had to lend to low and moderate-income borrowers. People deemed too high risk for the taste of the banks. It went largely unnoticed throughout the 80s and then in 1993 Billy Boy wanted to ease up the paperwork, deregulate the industry, and "improve" the CRA, Thus creating the Subprime market. When the bill was enacted there were many critics. Basically it eased up the lending restrictions and told lenders that they HAD to lend to people who most likely can't pay back their loans.

Look at the time after 1995. Lenders started lending 100% uncapitalized loans. When you don't need to come in with any money down, how can you be expected to do everything in your power to repay your loan? You stand to lose nothing. It’s like walking away from an apartment. Aside from that, what the act truly did was falsely inflated the market. When you have a 2.5 million homes for sale and 1.9 million buyers you can count on housing values to continue to increase at a standard trend as it has done for decades. Now, along comes the CRA and now your purchaser pool has just tripled. Now you have 2.5 million homes for sale and 5.7 million buyers. So, housing prices artificially inflate due to a glut in buyers, and a willingness to pay more than the house is worth. In real estate they teach you that a house is worth what the market will bear. When you suddenly drive up housing prices by creating the glut of buyers you create an unstable situation that cannot be sustained. People bought houses over and above what they should have. Builders were scrambling to build new neighborhoods at a rate that was staggering to behold, and builders just kept popping up. New home sales at one point actually passed existing home sales in this area, times were going so good. Then, reality had to set in.

See, the way lending works, is that a lender loans the money. In an amazing act of benevolence Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac like to buy up those loans from the banks. Aren’t they nice little semi private institutions? THEN, in another even more amazing act of benevolence in 1997, $384.6 million of CRA Loans were offered up as securities. Those very securities were guaranteed by Freddie Mac and had an implied "AAA" rating. The public offering was several times oversubscribed, by money managers and insurance companies (read: AIG).

So, with artificially inflated housing prices, deregulated lending practices and constant republican harping to rein in Fanny/Freddie, and lenders screaming that people were defaulting on loans the gubmint told them they had to make, and fanny/Freddie realizing that the loans they bought and secured were all bunk due to the high rate of default we end up where we are. A busted housing bubble, people "upside down" in their mortgages and a record number of vacancies and foreclosures. Why did we have to bail out Fannie/Freddie? Cuz the Dems needed to cover their asses. Why did we bail out AIG? That one, I still don't agree with but since they owned a significant amount of CRA securities guaranteed by Fanny/Freddie I guess the Dems felt they owed it to them. BTW, Fanny/Freddie both created by Dems.

On March 8th 1995, before the Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit Committee on Banking and Financial Services United States Senate, William A. Niskanen chairman of the CATO institute had some choice words to say,

The Community Reinvestment Act should be repealed--not reformed or restricted but repealed! For no conceivable set of regulations on a bank is consistent with the objective of the Act to meet "the credit needs of its entire community, including low- and moderate-income neighborhoods, consistent with safe and sound operation of such institution."

... The proposed new regulations would be very costly to the economy, to the banking system, and to the communities they serve... The primary long term effect of such measures would be to further contract the banking system,(emphasis mine) increasing the number of neighborhoods dependent on check cashing outlets and pawnshops.

The Community Reinvestment Act was the wrong solution to a genuine problem, for the most part created by other government regulations. Until recently, federal restrictions on interstate banking and state restrictions on intrastate branching severely restricted bank competition in local markets and the potential for geographic diversity of loan portfolios. These restrictions have been substantially reduced, promising a more competitive banking system that is more responsive to the interests of both depositors and borrowers and less vulnerable to adverse economic conditions in specific regions. Another effect of considerable importance: competition among banks is also the best discipline on discrimination among loan applicants on any basis other than credit risk.

Don't try to fix the Community Reinvestment Act. It can't be done. Repeal it.

Boy, did the press lambast him. Turns out, the man was right.

As far as Iraq the strategy worked. We unseated the government and beat the army. Unfortunately the Geneva Conventions stop us from being able to break the will of the people and then build them back up. Instead we have to take a kid gloves approach and have congress second-guess every move and the media and populace give their insight. As though they're qualified. If you've got a better strategy then I suggest you go to the next meeting of the JCS.

As for awkwardness, meh. Unimportant. It gave some comedians a good 8 years of material. And THAT is good for the economy.

On January 20th 1981 a very wise man had this to say,

In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we've been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price.

We've come a long way haven't we...

05 November 2008

Stupid is as stupid does.

Reap what you sow people.

reap it.

i am dissappointed in my fellow Americans right now.

BTW, i hope you're all good with paying for me, since i don't pay income taxes. i appreciate your hard earned money.


19 August 2008

Olympic Fever

this is a shortie. but, we all know olympic boxing scoring has been fucked since 1988. the new gymnastics scoring is bullshit. seriously, a flawless, clearly more difficult routine has to share the lead with a 12 yr old who can't stick a landing? and then be relegated to silver due to judge scoring. Nastia never scored below 8.9 on execution but the chinese girl did. yet she gets gold? fuck that. also, when did softball and baseball at the olympic level become little league with all the mercy rules? that's bullshit. if guam can beat up on the congo in a 100-1 route, then i say let them. i bet the next time congo either fields a team with competent people or they don't enter at all.

but now we must move to my most hated change... volleyball. you no longer have to win the serve to make a point, no, you just have to do anything that would be considered a point and guess what, you get a point. fucking horseshit. i miss volleyball (especially beach, and not for the reasons you think, but the fact that i find two people making it more competitive than 5-6 people can.) matches that went on for quite some time. gabby reese got me into beach v-ball waaaay back when. i have been an avid follower since. seriously, croc's pro tour, i'm watchin it. worlds... yep. all that shit, i love to watch this shit. it's the only women's sport i find more entertaining than men's.

if you can't tell this post is a drunken post. any spelling grammar corrections should be sent to anybody you see in the comment section that isn't me.
and now a few links (all pop):

seriously, her ac/dc is not amazing. but it could be.

make your own warning labels? ok.

uhh... physics kid.

seriously, if you don't wast hours reading this, then i have no idea why you're reading me.

17 July 2008


Ahh back from the land of socialism again. So I just got back from spending eight days in Canadialand. I do look forward to this vacation every year. I mean it’s the perfect vacation in that all we do is sit around the lake (Huron) and drink beers, play cards (pinochle, euchre and poker), golf everyday, and just plain relax. Seriously, it is the quintessential vacation. No running to meet deadlines, no rush to get here, or rush to see this or that, nothing. Breakfast at 8am lunch at 1230 and dinner at 6pm. Campfires at night where we let the little kids roast s’mores and we talk about shit that you shouldn’t talk about in front of kids.

The best campfire “game” we played was a wonderful tactical decision making game called “fuck, suck or kill”. In this game people are presented with 3 names of famous people, and they must decide which person they will fuck, which person they will go down on and which person they will kill. The trick is, when playing with gentlemen you must name two dudes and chick (that’s two guys and a girl). For example, I would look at Zen Wizard, Dr. Ken, Joe C, Rev, Scooter, and SO@24 and say: Marlon Brando circa 1997, Louie Anderson circa 1997 and Ruth Bader Ginsburg now. They would have to choose who to fuck, who to kill and who to go down own. I have to say in the entire week of playing the game I killed the woman off twice. Once was Oprah, the other was Kathy Bates. Seriously, I was justified.

So unlike last year there was no sexing. Not a bit. I didn’t even get a chance to attempt a “cable guy”. Not that I was involved in the sexing of years past, it would still have been nice to see the tradition live on. There was almost some sexing from the Goalie, however, it didn’t pan out.

On the morning of Cousin’s birthday we had the annual “Staff vs. Guests” softball game, which we all take a little too seriously. After spending a couple innings covering basically the entire outfield I decided to move to the infield as our 3rd baseman was useless. So after laying out for a ball the pitcher should have fielded and trying to get up to hustle back to 3rd I thought it would be a grand idea to blow out my knee. So, I did. And now I’m walking with a cane. Yay me! So that sucked.

However one really good thing did come out of this vacation, and that is an introduction to the game of “waffle”. Waffle is a magical and mysterious game of unknown origins. It was learned by a pair of girls in St. Louis by mysterious strangers and they in turn taught Cousin and Goalie down in Florida who in turn spread it to the campus of Ferris State and then to the Eastern Banks of Lake Huron in Canadialand. No on is quite sure of the reason for the name. Some have hypothesized that it was named as such do the fact that French Toast was taken. Others still have surmised that the name was derived from a drunken New Englander trying to saw “awful” and a drunken Midwesterner hearing “waffle”. And yet others contend the name is simply meant to be as fun as the game. Really, who doesn’t smile when they think of waffles? So, I ask you readers, are you ready to learn the rules of the next big thing? Are you?! Well, then read on:
What you need:

Four people
2 hockey sticks. Cut the blades off and cut a point into the stub you just cut. This makes for hammering them into the ground a little easier. Also, you’ll want to take some hockey tape, or duct tape and add a decent sized nub to the top. Basically, just keep taping around the shaft at the top so you can have a ring the size of a silver dollar.

A good supply of party cups. 16 oz. Not clear.

A Frisbee

A bucket of water

A good supply of beers/mixed drinks.


Take the hockey sticks and place them about 10 paces apart. Hammer them into the ground using a rock, or whatever you have handy. Fill two party cups to the first substantial line with water. You will use the bucket of water for this. Not the little baby line ¼ inch from the bottom. The beer pong line. And balance the cups on the ends of the hockey sticks.

Game play:

The game is played to 21. First to 21 wins. Not by two. Straight up.

You must always have a drink in your hand. At all times. Always. Period. This game is played one handed.

Divide into teams of two and choose a side. You and your partner play from the same side. Flip a coin to see which team goes first. If you don’t have a coin, flip the Frisbee.

Starting from behind your stick one person throws the Frisbee at the other team’s stick/cup in an attempt to knock the cup over.

Standing behind their stick the opposing team attempts to catch the Frisbee and the cup if it is knocked over.

After the Frisbee is caught or missed the opposing team then throws at the other teams stick/cup.


You must catch the Frisbee when thrown. If you do not, the other team is awarded one point. If the Frisbee is deemed uncatchable no points will be awarded. When you drop/miss a Frisbee your team drinks. You just gave the other team points. How does that feel?

When the Frisbee hits the stick you must catch the rebound or else the other team gets the point. Also, you may want to focus on catching the cup too, cuz if that hits the ground that’s 2 points to the other team. That would be a 3 point play. Oh, and you drink.

Should a Frisbee strike the cup directly (not hitting the stick) and you do not catch the cup, that is 4 points for the cup. And a drink. If you miss the Frisbee too, that is another point and a drink. For a total of a 5 point play.

The Frisbee is deemed live until it comes to rest, you may not catch it in front of your stick. If it rolls on the ground up to your stick, strikes the stick and knocks the cup off and you don’t catch the cup, that is only 2 points because the Frisbee was uncatchable. But you still drink

So a good cheat sheet is this:
Frisbee miss = 1 point
Cup miss = 2 points
Direct hit on cup and dropped = 4 points.

A dropped/missed Frisbee is always added on to the cup totals.

Last rule, when passing the Frisbee between partners you are not allowed to hand the Frisbee off. You must toss it, or drop it into their hands but the two of you are not allowed to touch it at the same time. If you drop it, you drink. Sometimes in runaway games we would drop it intentionally just to wet our whistles.

For those of you confused here are some pictures:
click all pictures pop to larger clearer photos.

Waffle Main
here is the main setup for Waffle.

Waffle Stop
here's me making a nonchalant grab of the cup while the goalie lets the frisbee fly past.

Waffle Points
here's the cousin trying to make a save at the cup (he fails) and brother doing god only knows what.

Sick Money
here's cousin making a sick ass save of the cup. and brother letting the frisbee drop

Money Dig
here's cousin digging hard trying not to let that point score

here's cousin failing.

as much as I am hacking on him right now, Cousin is by far the most superior waffle defender I've ever witnessed. Just sayin'.

21 June 2008

You too Can be a Jukebox Terrorist

So, there are times when I like to be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. Sometimes, I’m pushed. The other night was one of the latter. On occasion I have been known to be a jukebox terrorist. Basically, I can only listen to “Soulja Boy” and “Cupid Shuffle” et al. so many times that I MUST do something about it. That something is my version of a dirty bomb. After I see some d-bag finish making his shitty selections, that I’m sure I’ll loathe for the simple fact I’m already in a loathsome mood towards the repetition coming at me, I promptly step up and insert $5 into the Juke. Then, I start at the top of this list and work till I have no credits left:

Alice's Restaurant Massacree- Arlo Guthrie: 18:20

Voodoo Chile- Jimmy Hendrix: 15:05

Rapper's Delight- Sugarhill Gang: 14:37

I'd do Anything for Love- Meatloaf: 11:58

Love Song- Tesla (off 5 man acoustical jam): 9:54

The Load Out/Stay (make sure it's the combined version from "running on empty")- Jackson Browne: 9:33

Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd: 9:07

November Rain- Guns N Roses: 8:54

Purple Rain- Prince: 8:45

Won't Get Fooled Again(full version, not single)- The Who: 8:32

American Pie- Don McLean: 8:30

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant- Billy Joel: 7:37

Blinded by the Light- Manfred Mann (has to be the album version, not the single): 7:08

Hey Jude- The Beatles: 7:05

Wreck of the Edmund Fitz- Gordon Lightfoot: 6:32

Honorable mention:

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida- Iron Butterfly: 17:10
Why is it only honorable mention? Because most jukeboxes play a severely truncated version that runs 2:53. So you may want to pre scout that one on your local juke.

The true beauty is that the first four songs are exactly one hour long together. The rest is just icing on the cake. Seriously, people will pay 5 extra credits just to try to get one of the their songs off in the middle of mine. Fuck ‘em, I’ve just tied up the juke for 2 hours and I can space out and ignore the songs I played. Why? Cuz none of them are that good that you have to get into it. you can seriously just play them, and forget about them. The reward? I don’t have to listen to “don’t stop believin’” or flo-rida’s “low” for the thirtieth time that night.

Everybody knows what I’m doing when they see me run to the jukebox throwin’ ‘bows at anyone trying to get in my way. The victory walk from the machine with my devilish grin usually lets everyone know that I was up to absolutely no good. Actually, there are occasions when people have come up to me and asked me to “do my thing” because someone just played the entire New Kids discography, and just went to the bar to get more singles for the jukebox. So, I willingly oblige.

Do I take way too much pleasure out of this act? Yes. Will I stop? No. In fact, I’m going to keep trying to add to my list so that I may take up more time for less money. Any suggestions*? For the record I generally like all songs, I just have too short an attention span to deal with hearing the same song more than twice a night. You know, I sound like a cranky old man right now, I understand this. But someone has to feel my plight. Right? No? Fuck it.

Before you go, check out this link. Audio is worth waiting for, I promise.

*Keep in mind the songs need to be readily available in any jukebox. That’s why I like this list, it is pretty well contained to mainstream songs that you can find anywhere from a field in Battle Creek to the slums of West Palm Beach.

10 June 2008

Cruise Recap

So we’ve been back from the cruise for a couple of weeks now and I figure you all want to know about the fun that was had whilst you all were toiling away at your daily grind. First of all we knew the trip was going to be going to be good when, at 5:30am after checking in and noticing that were leaving out of gate C-5, my cousin looks at me and says, “man, too bad we’re not leaving out C-4, cuz we are DYNOMITE!”. To which I had to hang my head and laugh at his corny ass joke, when, not a minute later as we were going through the security pre-screen I point out that we are not allowed to bring guns on the plane, Cwik stops and looks at us and oh so flatly says (while flexing),”But I can’t remove these guns.” Yeah, it was gonna be a good trip.

On the plane I’m pretty sure the old couple in front of us shat their pants twice. Seriously, farts do not linger that long. So, I tried sleeping on the flight which I just couldn’t do for some reason. It was Monday morning and I hadn’t been asleep since sometime Sunday morning. I caught about a 15 minute nap in the van to the port, but really, I was spent.

So in the process of checking in to the ship things started to really look up when four women started chatting us up, this was perfect, since you know, there was four of us and four of them. Anyhow, they became “Team Oklahoma” since, they were all from OK. Later on we’d find out that two were married and the other two were not in fact sluts. Dammit. So we got on the boat, and into the room and I straight fucking passed out till the boat drill.

The first night in the club Cousin and Brother tried wheeling a couple of chicks from Texas that straight shut ‘em down. Well, really they said, “maybe in a couple nights”. But that never happened. HOWEVER, a chick that I started working on, that I put in the time on, was in fact scooped by cousin and successfully closed the next night. She was Russian and hot, and my own cousin cock blocked me. MY OWN COUSIN. However, I tried my damndest the first night to cock block him back. I was mostly successful, but not successful enough. Meh, he earned it. Now he owes me one.

Other than that it was a really relaxing trip. We played some knock down drag out bingo, and I kicked some ass in lame trivia and won a plastic trophy. It actually came down to a tie breaker question, “What is the currency of South Africa?” I was blurting out “Rand!” before she even had time to look at me. WINNER! I was basically going around and trying to get all the free shit I could. I completely failed on getting my free art. I wanted to go get more trophies that I forgot about the free art and never tried to get it after that. Lame.

Anyhow, Cousin got laid, we all had fun, and then we missed our flight on Saturday. Why? Well, they had 8 customs agents trying to process the entire fucking ship. 8. 2000 people, eight agents. We were in line at 8:30am and didn’t clear customs till 11am. We managed to get to the airport by 11:30 for a 12:05 flight. Spirit would not let us check in. There was a big hullabaloo and we were pissed, they were completely unhelpful and we ended up waiting for 2 hours to talk to a supervisor who pretty much did nothing to help us. So we had to get new tickets and I had to cancel travel plans to Chicago due to missing a connecting flight, which meant I was out even more money since I had prepaid for the hotel. The upside? The 8:15 flight we got transferred to was delayed till 10:00 so we got to watch the first two periods of the Wings game in the airport bar. Yay! And apparently Corey Haim was heading to Lima, Peru. I was sleeping through that part, but I do have two product endorsements: those neck pillows, and the Bose Quiet Comort 2 head phones. Seriously, awesome.

Anyhow, since this post was pretty boring, I’ll leave you with a comic:

until i get a chance to edit that, here's the link: http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c130/drunkenchud/41563.png

14 May 2008

ECHO!!! echo...

So, it’s been quite some time since I posted last… yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s not that I haven’t had plenty of material to post, or the desire, I’ve just been drunk. Well mostly drunk, mostly lazy, completely highly unmotivated. Plenty of people have given me tons ‘o’ blog fodder, I have just lazed around like the shiftless layabout that I am and let it all pass by. Then I noticed that Kristin tagged me to talk about 6 completely unremarkable things about myself. This was perfect, now all the blog posts I had swirling around my head I can now truncate and put into one list post. WOOOOOHOOOOOO! So go get your bubblegum and hold on to your potatoes cuz here we go.

1. I play a lot of video games. Actually, that statement could be taken wrong, I play video games a lot. I usually find one I like and ride it till it dies. For the past several months this has been Call of Duty 4. I play it online with friends and family, so we tend to roll deep. Anyhow, it being the World Wide Web and all we play with a lot of foreigners. In general I like foreigners, except the ones I don’t. Up until playing this game I used to like the British. Now as soon as I hear one of those limey bastards talk I pray to god that they are on the other team so I can kick their snobbish asses. Here’s the thing I learned from the Brits: The U.S. has never won a war against Britain. In fact the ONLY reason we won the revolutionary war was thanks to the French. So when you ask them if they’ve ever lost a war to the French, the answer is also no. Oh, and they don’t even acknowledge the war of 1812. ALSO, the Brits had WWI and WWII completely under control by the time we came in, and thus we weren’t needed. You can try to reason with them by asking such things as, “So, when the Luftwaffe was turning London into rubble during the Blitz and Churchill was on the phone with Roosevelt begging for our help… that was you guys having under control?” the answer you will get is something about the Blitz never happening or it not being “that bad”. Anyway, my new goal is to convince the UK to back the Pound by sterling silver again and then I want to find an enormous silver deposit somewhere so I can flood the market with silver and this completely devalue the pound sterling. Yeah, I’m an evil genius. Or not.

2. My Buddy Rev and I used to run a website with another buddy of ours named Navy. This website used to feature local bands and the like. Anyhow, after Navy started making the beast with two backs with Rev’s on again off again Weird Al look alike girlfriend, a rift was born. I was away at college and those two weren’t talking to each other and I cared not. So Rev was still toiling away with the website when I came home and he had booked a radio gig through a friend of his. He tells me of the show and I told him that I in fact would tune and let him know how much of a douchenozzle he came across as. The topic of conversation on the show switched to “things that used to be cool on MTV” so I figured I’d call in and talk about two of my favorite things from back in the day; Headbangers Ball, and the old Dennis Leary Commercials about Cindy Crawford. When the phone screener answered I recognized the voice and the name of a kid I used to hang out with every day in high school. We (Rev, the Screener, and I) were all good friends back then, so I have him put my name up on the screens as “Navy, still humping rev’s ex”. While on hold you get to listen to the show and then there was a pause, and the host said to Rev, “dude, take a look at line three… you wanna take it?” to which Rev replied “bring it”. So I tried to do my best Navy impression and let out a “dude”. I could hear the tension in Rev’s voice as I tried to keep up the impression and then he realized it was me and the jig was up. But I had my 10 seconds of glory on live radio. Told you. Unremarkable.

3. A kid I grew up with has this girlfriend. She is hilarious and loves to toast, I like to call her “cheers”. The other thing she does is use me as a jungle gym. Seriously, her and her sister love to just climb all over me. If I pick up my beer, I must pick one of them up too. Anyway, her boyfriend’s brother was at the bar, and he and I were fucking around like we always do, and he decided to try to pick my up. I assured him this feat would land him in the hospital with herniated discs and the like. He tried his damndest but just could lift my tank ass up. So I turned around and picked his ass up into a fireman’s carry. Well, as soon as Cheers saw this she wanted in on the action. First she tried to lift me, then I put her into the fireman’s carry. Then, upon insistence from others around me and with my buddy spotting me, I pressed her. Man, alcohol makes feats of strength that much more fun.

4. My mom Tivo’s Oprah everyday. When I’m home, and she’s home, she likes to watch it. I hate Oprah with a passion. Seriously, I think she is 100% fake and completely insincere and doesn’t know how to emote. Anyhow, all this aside, I tend to hear the things being said on TV while I’m sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. This is a huge problem for me, as I have caught myself many times starting a sentence of with, “well, that’s not completely true, I mean, there are Oprah episodes dedicated to that.” Or “I just saw something about that on Oprah.” And right now as we speak she just walked in and turned on Oprah and the topic is polygamy. I need to go to work.

5. I like to Tivo the show “the universe”. It’s an awesome and educational show. Seriously, I recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the world around us, and the worlds around that. However, sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around the way they bandy certain things about as fact. They can surmise things, and hypothesize, and even be pretty sure about things. When when something is so far away that it is barely visible I submit that you cannot tell me all of the properties of said object having never been able to examine it. I understand there is a lot of math, and science that goes into it… but seriously, you cannot tell me the composition of a planet as a fact just by observing a gray speck on some film. I take issue with that. You can say, “we assume it to be X” not, “it IS X”. still though, great show.

6. I am now ½ hour late for work. By the time I get to work, I’ll be 45 minutes late. No one will care. I like my job.

So, there you have it. Unremarkability and all.

31 March 2008

Ruining "Lola" One Person at a Time.

Nelly: (listening to "Lola") dude, good song.

Me: Uhh, dude this song creeps me out.

Nelly: What? it's a good song.

Me: Dude it's about falling in love with a tranny.

Nelly: What the fuck?

Me: Dude, the line, "i know what i am i'm a man and so is my Lola" caps off the rest of the song and its overt lyrics about Lola being a man. seriously.

Nelly: (turning up the radio) "Well Im not dumb but I cant understand
Why she walked like a woman and talked like a man
Oh my lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"

Me: See?

Nelly: (listening to the radio still) "Well we drank champagne and danced all night
Under electric candlelight
She picked me up and sat me on her knee
And said dear boy wont you come home with me
Well Im not the worlds most passionate guy..."

Me: ...

Nelly: (Still still listening) "Well I left home just a week before
And Id never ever kissed a woman before
But lola smiled and took me by the hand
And said dear boy Im gonna make you a man"

Me: see, he still hasn't kissed a woman. she's a man MAN.

Radio: "Well Im not the worlds most masculine man
But I know what I am I'm a man
And so is lola
Lo-lo-lo-lo lola lo-lo-lo-lo lola"

Nelly: Thanks for ruining a good song for me asshole. Now whenever I hear this song I'll forever be upset.

Me: Well, it's a song about a guy who falls in love with a girl an finds out she's a man, and is ok with it. Oldest love story in the book. Uhhh, sorry dude.

03 March 2008

Hungry eyes

you haven't lived till you've drunkenly pulled off the lift from dirty dancing to the song "hungry eyes" in a packed bar to a standing ovation.

a bit of warning though, every girl who thinks they are sveldt yet who is considerably less than, will try to get you to do the lift with them. i find that saying you have bad shoulders (which i actually do) works out (even if they aren't bothering you). seriously, i'm a big guy, and i've got some brute strength, but the girl i was lifting was small enough that i could get her up to full arm extension with a little help from her, but the other girls wanting to be "baby" for a hot second... shit, i'd have needed the exoskeleton from alien.

however, i will say to any women trying to do said lift, DO NOT JUST TRY TO JUMP UP. seriously, if you just try to jump as high as you can all we as the guy are doing is trying to slow your fall and then lift you against that momentum. this equals failure. you have to seriously try to jump at our foreheads. i mean really try to jump at our foreheads. seriously aim to try to tackle our hairline. then, and only then can we make it look fluid. just a tip. we may be strong, but when you are dead weight, or working counter to physics, it can suck. so, that's my tip.

p.s. nobody puts baby in a corner.