15 September 2005

Safety Measures

Well, I am writing this as an observation to what can only be classified as overt fraud perpatrated upon the masses. This fraud, of which I speak is known as "the screen door lock". some of you may be thinking, "yeah, I have a lock on my screen door, it makes me feel safe". Others may be thinking, "man, I wish I had a lock on my screen door". to all of you I say phooey. this whole thing came about when I went to step outside to have a smoke. I am here, at my grandparents house and for the last 6 nights, the screen door for the doorwall has been wide open. tonight, apparently whilst I stepped out, someone shut the screen door and locked it. I was unaware of any such misdealings and thusly had not expected any impediments to my egress to the deck. that is until I ran into what can only be described as "a pantyhose barrier that ceased my progress". or something equally poetic that I ended up sticking my hand through. so I submit this to you, the reading public (all two of you), what the fuck good does a lock do, when you can inadvertantly put your hand through the object which is locked?. Really. I mean if a screen door is your first and last line of defence, wouldn't be easier to leave it unlocked. So that you don't have to pay to repair the man sized hole in it when someone decides to walk through? now this is not an answer, I know this. As I do not believe in locks, I have had many things of mine broken into (vehicles, house, apartment) and the funniest thing is, they always broke something to get in. for example, my old ranger; broken into twice. both times unlocked. both times had a window busted out so the dumb ass thieves could get in. My house, again, the keys were in the garage in plain sight, and a window in the back was busted out. my apartment, well, they just walked in and helped themselves, but to be fair, I owed the thieves money and they destroyed nothing. So basically what I am saying is that thieves like to break shit. your screen door is not going to stop them. It would give them less satisfaction than breaking a huge piece of glass, but it won't stop them. so, stop putting locks on your screen doors. It's a waste of money and time to lock and unlock, and install the locks. anyhow, that's all I got. Been drinking and had to laugh. stay tuned for next episode when we talk about stupid people who use broom sticks and the like to "lock" their GIANT GLASS doorwall, and how a hammer circumvents this and allows you and a friend to ingress side by side without incident.

3 comments:

Aaron said...

Heh. You are very observant. Ever wonder why the 7-11 doors have locks? I mean, they're open 24/7...why whould they need them?

Your post also made me think of the summer I did summerstock theatre at Findlay. It was the cast party for 'Grease' (I played Eugene). We were at someone's house and they had a jacuzzi. Beers were consumed...like 2 or 3...but when you spend an hour in the jacuzzi drinking two beers: you are WASTED. Anyhoo...I ran out of beer and was heading inside the house, walking pretty quickly as to not miss any action in the jacuzzi (the girls in there were MINUTES away from removing their tops), when BAM!! I slammed into the screen door and busted a hole through the screen! The owners were cool about it though, and the night was still young...that party got a lot worse that night but I'll leave the rest of the story for you to fill in...

Drunken Chud said...

and then aj got all the bitches naked and had a caligula-esque orgy in which he serviced all the women, and they in turn all serviced him. at the end of the night, he was drunk off his ass, dehydrated from bangin so much trim, he stood up on the edge of the hot tub, helicoptered his man meat, slipped, hit his head on the deck, and woke up in the morn surrounded by grade a poon. did i do a good job in filling in the details?

Anonymous said...

The locks are there in case of an emergency