08 September 2005

Grocery shopping

so i started this blog in my downtime whilst babysitting my grandmother. she has Huntingtons which is sort of like parkinsons slapped with alzheimers. so it's kind of fun everyday having the exact same conversation when i wake up about breakfast. the conversation usually starts with her saying, "what? you're not going to eat breakfast?" and me saying, "i have been her for more or less one month, and in that time have you ever seen me eat breakfast?" and she," well, no." then me, "then why the hell do you ask me every damn morning you dingy broad?" to which she usually calls me some sort of brat or something. anyhow, today she decided we needed to go to farmer jacks. up until now i have been able to get her to stay home and let me go do the grocery shopping by myself. today, was not one of those days. so i'm thinking (all too niavely) that since we were going in there for pop, chips and dip, and cool whip, that it would be a pretty quick trip. this is when i learned how wrong i was. i was unaware that huntingtons manifests itself differently when in a grocery store. apparently, you become a retarded epileptic with ADD who walks about one meter an hour and must stare at fucking everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. the one upside is she makes sound effects, so when she sees something simple like a log of cheese it is usually accentuated with a "WOWWW", or a "WHOAAA". she is her own soundtrack. anyhow, it took us, and i shit you not, a solid TWENTY MINUTES just to clear the produce aisle. she literally stopped every foot, to gawk, and oooh and ahh... sometimes at paper bags, sometimes at steak rolls. so, after buying chips, dip, pretzels, crackers, 7-up (have to have it, or else all hell breaks loose), a&w root beer (another must have) and lipton brisk (which she asked at leat ten times if it was pre sweetened)some sunny D, some dish soap, and cool whip. she gets the idea of ice cream. good lord, DO NOT EVER shop for ice cream with an old woman. first of all we ended up with more toppings than ice cream because she couldn't decide on which ice cream to get, so we didn't get any. then comes the doozy. we have to split the groceries in the check out line as to what she's paying for and what's coming out of the grocery fund. cuz it's too hard to look at the reciept and pay back grocery. whatever. anyhow, this whole fiasco, in which we only went down one aisle that wasn't on the perimiter (the pop aisle), took about 2 hours. the one thing i can look forward to is when she goes to sleep i can pull out the whiskey. it's the only thing that keeps me sane. hehehehe. so, if you ever have to grocery shop with an old person, don't do it. leave them in the car, with the windows up, the engine off, and no radio. you will be doing yourself a service.

1 comment:

joe said...

That was fucking funny.