Oh steve, you will be missed. you named your daughter after your dog, and loved taunting deadly animals. we watched you get bit, and hurt and all the while you educated us on the environmental impact of non indigenous animals on a closed system. now, i will find people to give me a grant to mount an expedition to kill that stingray... have fun tormenting the gators in the hereafter.
So, i've been renting a lot of movies lately, and for some reason, i feel that i owe you, my dear readers, a service. a service to save you time and boredom. so, i have some movie reviews for you:
Snakes on a Plane: Go see it. Stop trying to find reviews. you'll love it. don't take it seriously. love it, embrace it. DO IT!
Snakes on a Train: Wow, where to begin... the acting? horrible. the snakes? laughable sense of scale (which i love!). the plot? a girl's family puts an ancient curse on her when she decides to marry the non mayan equivilant of a gentile. this curse, causes her insides to turn into snakes which she vomits out in a blueish oooze. it's kinda ok. not as entertaining as it could have been. however, the totally non sequitur ending was so totally worth it.
BeerFest: GREATEST.MOVIE.EVAR! don't question me. just do it. NOW!
The Matador: Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan? this movie surpassed my expectations. i kept seeing it on the shelves. i kept passing it by. i finally figured i'd rent it. i mean, i like both the actors. i didn't even read the blurb on the back. i just grabbed and ran. am i ever glad i did. it's a movie about a hitman (brosnan) who befriends Kinnear. the dysfunctional friendship and brosnan's performance as a cad really make this a dark comedy worth watching.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: This was another one i kept seeing on the shelf and finally decided to rent. I LOVED IT. Robert Downy and Val Kilmer really make this movie a fucking hilarious piece of work. this movie is to the mystery drama what scream was to the horror genre. At no point does this movie take itself seriously and actually takes the time to call the audience idiots. in fact, during one "reveal" they even bring back abraham lincoln from the grave (no, it has nothing to do with anything else in the movie). so again, do yourself a favor and watch this movie.
The Sentinel: This decent movie is formulaic at best, and predictable at worst. while the plot has been done, all of it to some extent or another, it is still highly entertaining. if you really need a plot summary basically, think: 24 season 1, coupled with in the line of fire, smacked in the face with US Marshals. it's a decent way to pass the time, plus, sledge hammer plays the president! w00t!
The Constant Gardener: let me transcribe the back of box for you:
Academy award nominee Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz give electrifying performances in this gripping suspense-thriller. A diplomat on the hunt for his wife's murderer uncovers a treacherous conspiracy that will destroy millions of innocent people-unless he can reveal its sinister roots. from the best selling... comes the edge-of-your-seat story of murder, deception and revenge that critics are calling "a hair-raising thriller with an unforgettable finale" (karen durbin, elle).
I want to find that bitch Karen Durbin and give her a "hair raising thriller with an unforgettable ending." this movie... had a runtime of just over two hours. i decided to check on the elapsed time at one point because the story seemed like it had a way to go but it also seemed as though i was nearing the two hour mark. turns out only 40 minutes had elapsed. this movie, moved so painfully slow i thought about shutting it off several times, but i was stuck in the movies pace, so the thought went from my head at 40 minutes in. it took till an hour after that piece of shit ended for me to actually turn it off. every 5 minutes it felt like i was being pitched liberal propaganda, which is fine if it drives the plot. it didn't. the wooden unemotional acting didn't either. if someone wants you to watch this movie, poke them in the eye. then run. they have shitty taste in movies.
H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Wall of Sleep: this. piece. of. shit. sullies. the. good. name. of lovecraft. the plot? what? plot? unimportant. instead, let's shoot a bunch of crap, use it as filler, fuck up the audio levels, and use so many edits even the japanese have siezures. seriously, if this movie were edited down to a 20 minute short, it could be good. that's about all the substance it has in it. as it stands this is the biggest steaming pile of shit out there. it is now added to my worst movies ever list:
1. The Underground Comedy Movie
2. The Blair With Project
2. Beyond the Walls of Sleep
4. Romeo Must Die
yeah, that's right, tied for second with blair witch. oh snap!
so, yeah, there you go. fly my children, fly!