04 September 2006

Crikey!

Oh steve, you will be missed. you named your daughter after your dog, and loved taunting deadly animals. we watched you get bit, and hurt and all the while you educated us on the environmental impact of non indigenous animals on a closed system. now, i will find people to give me a grant to mount an expedition to kill that stingray... have fun tormenting the gators in the hereafter.

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So, i've been renting a lot of movies lately, and for some reason, i feel that i owe you, my dear readers, a service. a service to save you time and boredom. so, i have some movie reviews for you:

Snakes on a Plane: Go see it. Stop trying to find reviews. you'll love it. don't take it seriously. love it, embrace it. DO IT!

Snakes on a Train: Wow, where to begin... the acting? horrible. the snakes? laughable sense of scale (which i love!). the plot? a girl's family puts an ancient curse on her when she decides to marry the non mayan equivilant of a gentile. this curse, causes her insides to turn into snakes which she vomits out in a blueish oooze. it's kinda ok. not as entertaining as it could have been. however, the totally non sequitur ending was so totally worth it.

BeerFest: GREATEST.MOVIE.EVAR! don't question me. just do it. NOW!

The Matador: Greg Kinnear and Pierce Brosnan? this movie surpassed my expectations. i kept seeing it on the shelves. i kept passing it by. i finally figured i'd rent it. i mean, i like both the actors. i didn't even read the blurb on the back. i just grabbed and ran. am i ever glad i did. it's a movie about a hitman (brosnan) who befriends Kinnear. the dysfunctional friendship and brosnan's performance as a cad really make this a dark comedy worth watching.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: This was another one i kept seeing on the shelf and finally decided to rent. I LOVED IT. Robert Downy and Val Kilmer really make this movie a fucking hilarious piece of work. this movie is to the mystery drama what scream was to the horror genre. At no point does this movie take itself seriously and actually takes the time to call the audience idiots. in fact, during one "reveal" they even bring back abraham lincoln from the grave (no, it has nothing to do with anything else in the movie). so again, do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

The Sentinel: This decent movie is formulaic at best, and predictable at worst. while the plot has been done, all of it to some extent or another, it is still highly entertaining. if you really need a plot summary basically, think: 24 season 1, coupled with in the line of fire, smacked in the face with US Marshals. it's a decent way to pass the time, plus, sledge hammer plays the president! w00t!

The Constant Gardener: let me transcribe the back of box for you:
Academy award nominee Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz give electrifying performances in this gripping suspense-thriller. A diplomat on the hunt for his wife's murderer uncovers a treacherous conspiracy that will destroy millions of innocent people-unless he can reveal its sinister roots. from the best selling... comes the edge-of-your-seat story of murder, deception and revenge that critics are calling "a hair-raising thriller with an unforgettable finale" (karen durbin, elle).
I want to find that bitch Karen Durbin and give her a "hair raising thriller with an unforgettable ending." this movie... had a runtime of just over two hours. i decided to check on the elapsed time at one point because the story seemed like it had a way to go but it also seemed as though i was nearing the two hour mark. turns out only 40 minutes had elapsed. this movie, moved so painfully slow i thought about shutting it off several times, but i was stuck in the movies pace, so the thought went from my head at 40 minutes in. it took till an hour after that piece of shit ended for me to actually turn it off. every 5 minutes it felt like i was being pitched liberal propaganda, which is fine if it drives the plot. it didn't. the wooden unemotional acting didn't either. if someone wants you to watch this movie, poke them in the eye. then run. they have shitty taste in movies.

H.P. Lovecraft's Beyond the Wall of Sleep: this. piece. of. shit. sullies. the. good. name. of lovecraft. the plot? what? plot? unimportant. instead, let's shoot a bunch of crap, use it as filler, fuck up the audio levels, and use so many edits even the japanese have siezures. seriously, if this movie were edited down to a 20 minute short, it could be good. that's about all the substance it has in it. as it stands this is the biggest steaming pile of shit out there. it is now added to my worst movies ever list:

1. The Underground Comedy Movie
2. The Blair With Project
2. Beyond the Walls of Sleep
4. Romeo Must Die

yeah, that's right, tied for second with blair witch. oh snap!


so, yeah, there you go. fly my children, fly!

17 comments:

Steph said...

Sweetheart. You have waaaay too much time on your hands ;)

Scooter said...

I seriously want a flying monkey minion, dude. Wouldn't that be the coolest thing ever? "Hey Monkey, fly over to the Starbucks and get me a coffe brownie!"

Drunken Chud said...

steph, i have way too much time on my hands? ok cousin it. though, i gotta say, with that dress, never have i ever found cousin it more appealing. it's amazing what a wardrobe can do for the overly hirsute.

scooter i so badly want a helper monkey. now, if he could fly, OH HELL YES. but no, i would never send him to starbucks. i have the distinct honor of never having frequented a starbucks. well, once, in boston but i only bought a water. i prefer my coffee cheap, and bottomless. but, if i had enough flying monkies, i'd make them fly me around. hey, monkey, mexico! now!

Stickler said...

Chud, The Matador was an awsome movie. COunt me in on the flying monkey, I definitly want one. Do you have to feed them you think? I mean They seem like they could take care of themselves and I really don't want to the responsibility, but definitly I want to send them around to terrorize old ladies!

Dora said...

i don't mean to be the smart arse here but what did you really expect from a movie that has such a boring title as "the constant gardener?"
constant is boring
gardening is boring

but a beer fest... that's something different all together!!!
Thanks for the reviews, had a good giggle reading them, might take beer fest out if its available in this part of the world.

joe said...

Dora, while I have no seen Beerfest, I'd investigate a way to get a copy in your region. It looks so f'ing good.

WIth that said, I think I know what I'm doing this weekend.

Scooter said...

Hmm. As much fun as Beerfest may be, I am quite sure that a beer fest, is more fun.

Now, drinking beer while watching Beerfest... uh huh.

Drunken Chud said...

stickler, flying monkies fend for themselves. they fead on the flesh of the elderly (only the ones you don't care about).

dora, the trailers made it look so good. and the blurb on the back made it sound good. and beerfest is in theaters right now. so go to the box office.

joe. do it.

scooter beerfest is a beer fest. so wouldn't then having a beer fest while watching beerfest be the beerfestlyist.

meDoc said...

Beerfest looks fun, I guess the genre would be comedy/fantasy, seeing as it's apparently about two Americans coming to Germany where they win a drinking contest. That's both funny and a fantasy... :-D

Drunken Chud said...

yeah, they eventually go to their german grandmother for help with a training regimen.

Rolligun said...

Yeah, it's quite tragic for Steve, but I give 'em props for being able to pull the barb out of his heart. That's hard to do I hear. And I'll never get the image of him I have where he's standing up in what believe to be is a rusty man-powered fishing boat and he declares a crocodile sighting and just leaps into the water after his discovery. Huh.

and i will check out that snakes on plane suggestion. i have my doubts, but you've said funny things in the past so i'll trust your judgement.

hopefully i'm not jumping in after crodiles by doing so

Kristin said...

I totally want to see Beerfest...

Coyote Mike said...

Chuddy, did you sic some inbred viginian on me because I dropped the link to here?

Drunken Chud said...

rolli, it's kinda like rambo stitching himself up. well, other than the fact rambo lived. i guess it's nothing like that at all. but the size of the balls on that man. damn. and seriously rolli, i would never steer your wrong about snakes on a plane.


kristin it is so worth it. so incredibly worth it.

mike... no. i don't even know any inbred virginians. though, i have seen some people i surmise to be such. ooh, and i once dated a west virginian. but seriously, no, i didn't really care.

hobbitluvr said...

amen! kiss kiss bang bang was fuckin hilarious!!! beerfest....i can't even begin! i watched it at the drive in with a cooler containing a 24pk of beer with taladega nights to proceed it.

and what is with you trying to enslave flying monkeys to do your bidding? the wicked witch metlted and you decided to just walk over her puddle and take over her monkies? what's up with that?

Scooter said...

Hey! The Monkeys have a good union and healthcare! You should thank your lucky stars an entrepreneur like Chud is willing to take over a going concern with such issues!

Drunken Chud said...

i am not enslaving them rena, i am employing them in my evil empire. they get a fair and competitive wage and benefits.

scooter, they DO NOT have a union. i went 10 shades of allen pinkerton on them to make sure that didn't happen.