28 May 2006

“Hey this is my roommate. He likes to pound ass!”

… Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Wow… so updates. Right now I’m chillin in the back seat somewhere on I-10 in Florida. The last few days have been a blur. And well they should be as I had a 680 dollar bar tab (I had to take it easy since I didn’t have a lot of money). But brief rundown/ lessons learned on this trip:

I love lesbians.

Girls named Kari from Kentucky who are hot as shit and making out with you will not sleep with you because of the gigantic rock on her finger.

Girls named Erin won’t sleep with you cuz her girlfriend is angry and she just got nailed an hour earlier.

Erin’s girlfriend won’t sleep with you because the guy she’s making out with is hotter than you. However both girls will give you their digits and place of employment so you can call and come visit when you all get home.

Girls named Julie won’t sleep with you cuz your younger brother managed to stay sober longer to spit more game.

Girls named Tara won’t sleep with you cuz “I’m gonna pass out on the floor cock up, why don’t you come ride it?” is not a good line… apparently.

Ordering tequila shots by the handful for yourself to catch up with everyone else that happen to be drunk… not a good idea, as I am no longer vomit free since 2003.

Oh, girls named Natasya from Macedonia who are back in training as a competitive kick boxer and who will match your tiger style with her crane style will not sleep with you no matter how badly they want to because it will get them fired. Also when confronted with a Mui Thai stance, she will grapple your ass and start throwing knees, which in the middle of a dining room is just fucking hot. It’s hot anywhere but it was hotter there.

Girls named Janelle from the Philippines will not sleep with you even though you promise to give her your e-mail and profess your love for her in Tagalog.

I am now immortalized on Carnival Imagination, as I was walking past the dice table I heard the dealer on stick say, “winner winner chicken dinner!” I stopped, then I heard it from the roulette table. And neither person could have seen me as I was behind both of them, and sober (read: not yelling).

Crazy Polish dudes don’t appreciate a solid cock block, and they will return to the scene of the crime after you’re gone. Only to be ignored. HA!

When I am in full on bumrush drunk mode and come into the room and kick off my sandals not unlike a ninja and Joe tries to block them from hitting him, I take exception to his arm block technique and tell him not to shush me like I;m the damn toxic avenger.

Oh, if you party till 430 am and have to wake up at 7am to disembark you will be hating yourself. However when you decide to be the goodwill ambassador to friends in the line by delivering champagne to them it makes it slightly more bearable. Oh, and when someone says to you, “Jesus Christ it’s 8am!” the only proper response to that is, “booze can’t tell time”.

Going through customs with a buzz=FUN!

Also, since the line to disembark runs past your room, getting in line is for losers, instead, open your door sit in comfort drink champagne and watch cheaper by the dozen two and wait for the line to pass you by. Cuz really, why wait in line in you can watch TV, drink and smoke.

Oh, and family sucks. Well, mostly my brother, since he decided he needed to inform everyone at our table that I have another addiction. I laugh at brown words. It’s juvenile I know, but suddenly a light bulb appeared over everyone’s head when they suddenly realized why I was always giggling like a schoolgirl whenever they would announce anything to do with the duty free. So then, for the rest of the night people would just walk past me and drop a kaka here, a feces there and doodies abound (ok, I’m laughing really hard at the thought of poop being flung about so willie nillie). So yes, there is another confession for you. Oh, when people say stuff like, “yeah but, fuckin the roads are horrible” all I hear is “butt fuckin”. Anyhow, it’s quarter to 6 and we’re in Georgia and my brain is addled. So I don’t know when I will post this. But I’m sure I’ll scam some wifi somewhere between here and Detroit.
-----
well, i had posted this about 6 hours ago, and after awaking from my nap, seems i did not actually post it. meh. meh. anyhow, yeah, if someone had an rss and would like to copy the original update from the bottom in the comments i'd appreciate it.

22 comments:

Coyote Mike said...

POOP

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehehehehe

Scooter said...

The Tao of Pooh.

Rev said...

I have that book....

Rafael said...

Winner, winner chicken dinner?? Awesome, simply awesome.

Sass said...

So many girls... so many excuses.

As for the brown words, my little sister says "Crap-shit-poo-bugger-bum" when something crappy happens. Thought you might like it!

Coyote Mike said...

Giant flaming balls of flying monkey poop

Steph said...

Holy shit, how is it that you are still alive with a functioning liver??

Drunken Chud said...

scoots, it pales in comparison to the te of piglet. heh.

isn't it though raf? i can't take credit for inventing it. i can only take credit for being the loudest motherfucker to say it.

sass, tell me about it. damn women don't want any fatman lovin. and yeah, i am so memorizing that to say. i'm giggling like a school boy now.

see mike, while that's funny, ok, it's really funny and i can't knock it. because i'm picturing the flying monkies in Oz dropping giant flaming poops on the emerald city. hehehehe, now THAT'S a horse of a different color.

steph, i am an olympic level drinking machine. were they to ever make it an olympic sport, i'd get a bye through the try out phase becuase i've been scouted. heh. though, it is great when you have russians, germans and irish alike all in awe of your ability to maintain motor function. that was my true badge of honor. or... an insight to an early death due to liver failure.

joe said...

Chud -- Duty. You did some good damage to the liver this trip, but i was expecting more. Note, I did not see the last phase in growth:
Five tequila shots and keep them coming."

And "winner winner chicken dinner" was true. EVERYONE there was saying it.

And for the record, I only pound chick ass.

Scooter said...

So, Joe is a poultry pederast, eh?

Coyote Mike said...

I was on shit-rope duty today for branding. Always in the line of fire, and with a turn-chute, you can't put your boot in the way for deflection.

I got pooped on.

Scooter said...

Hmm, you got pooped upon for money.

I think I have seen that internet clip.

Scooter said...

Shout

Chorus
Shout
Shout
Let it all out
These are the things I can do without
Come on
Im talking to you
Come on
(repeat)

In violent times
You shouldnt have to sell your soul
In black and white
They really really ought to know
Those one track minds
That took you for a working boy
Kiss them goodbye
You shouldnt have to jump for joy
You shouldnt have to jump for joy

Chorus

They gave you life
And in return you gave them hell
As cold as ice
I hope we live to tell the tale
I hope we live to tell the tale

Chorus(x2)

And when youve taken down your guard
If I could change your mind
Id really love to break your heart
Id really love to break your heart

Chorus

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehehe, yeah, i'm into you for a chunk of change there joe.

hey now, beastial joe may be scoots. but underage animals? i think not.

egads man shit rope is not fun. the worst is when when they have the squirts and you deflect onto your buddy. well, that's not the worst, that's the funniest. except if you're the deflectee. sorry mike, i feel for ya.

scoots, i'll poop on ya.

scooter, damnit it's too soon to be posting lyrics. damn you.

Coyote Mike said...

No, the worst is when they have milk-shit, get it all over the chute, then slap their tail into it, flinging it into the air.

Drunken Chud said...

hehehehehehehehehe, i fogot about the floppy shitty tail swishing. heh, i was in a competition once (team roping) steer had the back door trots and got it all over his tail. he comes busting out of the chute and just as my header caught him and pulled him left and i was makin my cut to get his legs he let loose with his shitty tail and nailed me square in my eye. i caught him, but by sheer timing alone, i had to go all frank duks on the steer. heh. i miss it.

Scooter said...

Did I just get propositioned to appear in a Scheisse video?

Anonymous said...

I'm impressed with your site, very nice graphics!
»

Anonymous said...

Hmm I love the idea behind this website, very unique.
»

Anonymous said...

Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.
»

Anonymous said...

I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
»