ok, so i figured that i needed to list the quatlities of myself that would make a good catch to the fairer sex. then i realized that's pretty gay and lame and i'm not emo enough to be that desperate. so instead, i figured i should list all the bad qualities about me. that way, if some woman wishes to engage me, she at least knows what the time is on the street. so... here goes:
1. I'm loud. and by loud, i mean that i have no volume control. add alcohol and you can hear me from a county over.
2. i drink. a lot. while i don't view this as a problem, past girlfriends have. however, consumption volumes never increased from the time they met me to the time they started dating me. but they still liked to bitch about it. which brings me to
3. I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT. verbal, physical, whatever. i'll try to talk my way out of fisticuffs (the bouncer in me) but when it comes to arguments i don't let it go. and if you're making a big deal out of nothing i will call your ass out and not stand for it.
4. i don't do drama. i don't have a vagina, i don't care about girl talk. i don't care what your friends think about their boyfriends, and i don't care that they pissed you off. handle that shit internally and don't spread it around. that's just poor form.
5. i like sports. i like to watch sports. i like guns. i like to watch gun sports. i like cars. i HATE car sports. i like motorcycles. i like to watch motorcycle sports. it's confusing, i know. but if the channel i'm watching has "SPORTS" in the name, or is an acronym with "sports" in it... then no, i will not change the channel to watch the notebook. again, i don't have a vagina, it does not interest me.
6. i will never be honest about how many girls i've "been with". for the most part, i picked i a number and stopped counting thereafter. no i can't put a name to every person. and if you ask, the answer is always 12. the only reason this is: i don't know the number. and thinking about it is too much effort. so, 12 is what you get. and 12 is what i stand by.
7. i don't get jealous. i've dated enough strippers to have found that emotion useless. you wanna go out with the girls to a singles bar? fine. you wanna dress like a hooker and have dinner with 3 of your exes? have fun. you wanna end up in someone elses bed instead of mine at the end of the night? curb... meet girl, she has been kicked to you. HOWEVER! if turnabout is fair play... then ok. fuck who you want just don't bring me any diseases.
8. i'm blunt, and crass and tactless. well, that's not truly true. i have all three qualities, i have however, decided they serve me no purpose in the day to day. so don't ask me questions you don't want honest answers to. "does this make me look fat?" nope. the fact that you outgrew it 6 months ago on an eating spree makes you look fat.
9. i'm fat. and not in that "does this make me look fat" sort of way. if you have eyes, you can see i'm fat. if you have hands, you can feel i'm fat. if you have ears, you can hear me wheezing cuz i'm fat and out of shape.
10. because i'm fat, i sweat. sex with me is like having a lubed up pig convulse on top of you. eventually i'm done and you're questioning why you let me do that to you when you secretely hate yourself for subjecting yourself to the whole experience.
11. i snore. upstairs, and down. fair warning.
12. i know all. and i will argue a point to the death. till you prove me wrong. then, i will concede the win, but until then... watch your ass, cuz i'll be obnoxious about that shit. two weeks later, after you've forgotten, i'll bring up some information that supports my claim. you will not be happy.
13. i'm 27, lack gainful employ, and live with my parents. I'M A CATCH! hehehehehehhe
so, any ladies who read that and want a piece of the chud... well, you can reach me at:
FindlayTex - Aim and Yahoo messenger.
DrunkenChud@hotmail.com - MSN
anyone else? well.. i got nothin. i've been drinking (surprise!) and the wings lost their first round series tonight. so... i'm sad since now the only thing to watch is basketball (ack!) or baseball (slightly better than basketball). grrrrr. well, that's all.