02 May 2006

Why I would be a great boyfriend.

ok, so i figured that i needed to list the quatlities of myself that would make a good catch to the fairer sex. then i realized that's pretty gay and lame and i'm not emo enough to be that desperate. so instead, i figured i should list all the bad qualities about me. that way, if some woman wishes to engage me, she at least knows what the time is on the street. so... here goes:

1. I'm loud. and by loud, i mean that i have no volume control. add alcohol and you can hear me from a county over.

2. i drink. a lot. while i don't view this as a problem, past girlfriends have. however, consumption volumes never increased from the time they met me to the time they started dating me. but they still liked to bitch about it. which brings me to

3. I NEVER BACK DOWN FROM A FIGHT. verbal, physical, whatever. i'll try to talk my way out of fisticuffs (the bouncer in me) but when it comes to arguments i don't let it go. and if you're making a big deal out of nothing i will call your ass out and not stand for it.

4. i don't do drama. i don't have a vagina, i don't care about girl talk. i don't care what your friends think about their boyfriends, and i don't care that they pissed you off. handle that shit internally and don't spread it around. that's just poor form.

5. i like sports. i like to watch sports. i like guns. i like to watch gun sports. i like cars. i HATE car sports. i like motorcycles. i like to watch motorcycle sports. it's confusing, i know. but if the channel i'm watching has "SPORTS" in the name, or is an acronym with "sports" in it... then no, i will not change the channel to watch the notebook. again, i don't have a vagina, it does not interest me.

6. i will never be honest about how many girls i've "been with". for the most part, i picked i a number and stopped counting thereafter. no i can't put a name to every person. and if you ask, the answer is always 12. the only reason this is: i don't know the number. and thinking about it is too much effort. so, 12 is what you get. and 12 is what i stand by.

7. i don't get jealous. i've dated enough strippers to have found that emotion useless. you wanna go out with the girls to a singles bar? fine. you wanna dress like a hooker and have dinner with 3 of your exes? have fun. you wanna end up in someone elses bed instead of mine at the end of the night? curb... meet girl, she has been kicked to you. HOWEVER! if turnabout is fair play... then ok. fuck who you want just don't bring me any diseases.

8. i'm blunt, and crass and tactless. well, that's not truly true. i have all three qualities, i have however, decided they serve me no purpose in the day to day. so don't ask me questions you don't want honest answers to. "does this make me look fat?" nope. the fact that you outgrew it 6 months ago on an eating spree makes you look fat.

9. i'm fat. and not in that "does this make me look fat" sort of way. if you have eyes, you can see i'm fat. if you have hands, you can feel i'm fat. if you have ears, you can hear me wheezing cuz i'm fat and out of shape.

10. because i'm fat, i sweat. sex with me is like having a lubed up pig convulse on top of you. eventually i'm done and you're questioning why you let me do that to you when you secretely hate yourself for subjecting yourself to the whole experience.

11. i snore. upstairs, and down. fair warning.

12. i know all. and i will argue a point to the death. till you prove me wrong. then, i will concede the win, but until then... watch your ass, cuz i'll be obnoxious about that shit. two weeks later, after you've forgotten, i'll bring up some information that supports my claim. you will not be happy.

13. i'm 27, lack gainful employ, and live with my parents. I'M A CATCH! hehehehehehhe

so, any ladies who read that and want a piece of the chud... well, you can reach me at:
FindlayTex - Aim and Yahoo messenger.
DrunkenChud@hotmail.com - MSN

anyone else? well.. i got nothin. i've been drinking (surprise!) and the wings lost their first round series tonight. so... i'm sad since now the only thing to watch is basketball (ack!) or baseball (slightly better than basketball). grrrrr. well, that's all.

33 comments:

Kristin said...

Ah, Chud. You so sexy. When're we gettin' hitched?

joe said...

All good points, my good friend. Kristin, Chud IS a catch. Support him and he will raise the children right... (if they were horses)

Jacques Roux said...

I want to fuck you RIGHT NOW!! And I don't mean lovey-dovey, cuddley shit. I mean serious grudge fucking, prison rape lovin'. Come on over here Chuddy, and let me show you how to treat a real woman.

Loved the "pig convulsing" image. Great way to start my day, bro!

Rev said...

You've forgotten the "Grand Facilitator" and his role.....

:)

Though, that's better left off as a last minute "guess what YOU'RE going to do tonight" type thing.

Velvet said...

You had me at "I never back down from a fight."

Drunken Chud said...

kristin my dear, as soon as we can agree on a date.

hehehehe, yes joe, my kids will be raised excellent. for horses.

hehehehehehe. jaques... you know i like it rough. glad i could help you start your day out.

rev... lol. yeah... 151 and you.

velvet, sweet velvet, it's on!

Scooter said...

So... convulsing pig, eh? This begs the question, is your equipment reminiscent of a pig's equipment?

Man, now I want to watch "Animal Farm".

Amy said...

Wow. All the qualities I look for wrapped into one. And I was about to give up...

Coyote Mike said...

I'm not even into dudes and I'd smack dat ass, beeotch!

Aaron said...

You forgot to tell your potential girlfriend that you like balls...fried, and from a horse (or cow), thank you...

Funny shit. I was just reading some of it to my buddy I'm staying with in L.A.

Drunken Chud said...

Scoots... not like a pig's equipment, like a pig's tail. all squiggly and shit. oh yeah. they call me the corkscrew.

see that amy, just when you think it's time to throw in the towel, the powers that be throw me into your lap.

ahh yes mike, my allure knows no gender boundaries.

AJ... i guess i forgot to mention that one. but, to be fair they do have to be beer battered balls. mmm mmm mmm. i hope your buddy enjoyed it. it's a new style of marketing i'm toying with. brutal honesty. plus, women like a challenge, so give them the problems, let them try to fix me.

Scooter said...

Speaking of squiggly things...

Steph said...

Um, and this was a list of why you ARE a great catch? Bahahaha! At least you're honest babe, and that counts for something :P

Stickler said...

Chud, With those qualities I think I know the perfect woman her name is Lynndie England. You may remember her from the iraqi prison scandal. She likes guns too, i'm sure of it! But for something funny about prospective women Read This

Drunken Chud said...

ok scooter. that's fucking funny.

well steph, i try. it saves the whole "discovery phase"

stickler, that's just mean. however, the list of chicks, there's only a couple i would say nay to. and lynndie england is one. and lewinsky is the other. and chandra levy.

Stepho said...

AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
This is awesome. I think everyone should do something like this. Let's cut out that "I'm kinda punk cause I like Linkin Park, but I'm also kinda sweet xoxoxo" bullshit.

Anonymous said...

that was hilarious!!, but I feel bit guilty because I'm laughing at down points, (no I don't feel guilty, formalities and all)

For the record I don't see them all as negagatives, i.e. sports/no drama/yes arguing)

ALl I can say is that whenever you find the right girl, that is gonna be one hell of a fun household to hangout at at!

Stickler said...

Chud, You know I was only joking. If I was female you would be first on my list!

Drunken Chud said...

stepho! (when i first typed that it came out "steho!" hmmm... freud?) i agree. lay the bullshit bare. but then you know you'll have posers at that too.

ooooh, anonymous... i think anonymous wants me. hot!

stickler, i know for certain that even as a man i'm on your list. just not first. heh.

Rev said...

Ah yes, the man crush that everyone seems to have on Chud.

Weird.

Rolligun said...

chud,

sorry to get you all fired up, but anon was me, for whatever reason I wasn't indentified...

I am cute, but probably not your type

Scooter said...

Rolli, you are a breathing mammal. I am pretty sure you'll do.

Oh, and on the whole mammal love thing...

Orca Bestiality!

Drunken Chud said...

it's the fat rolls and stretch marks curt... they just... turn men on. i guess.

rolli... for the love of pete leave me to my illusions!

scooter... scooter... scooter...

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

hH..I have missed so much in these past weeks...

'=P

Drunken Chud said...

LAURIE!!!!!!!

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

CHUDDY!!!!!!!

Scooter said...

YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:

Chorus:
Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO

Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the NINJA RAP
Feel it, if you know what I mean -- Give it up for those heroes in green
Just flowin, smooth with the power -- Kickin’ it up, hour after hour
Cause in this life there’s only one winner -- You better aim good so you can hit the center
In it to win it, with a team of four -- Ninja Turtles that you gotta adore it’s the:

Chorus

Villians, you better run and hide -- Because one day you might not slide
Choose your weapon but don’t slip -- Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip
Rockin’ the crowd the way it should be rocked -- With the Miami drop that you like alot
Hittin like a Ninja Turtle when the bass kicks in -- You better check your level
The power of the Ninja is strong -- Fightin’ all the crooks until they’re all out cold

Cibbuano said...

that's a great list. If you're upfront about all the bad shit, it can only get better, right?

Go Chud!

Scooter said...

I'm called a cow

I'm not about

to blow it now

for all the cows



I'ts funny how

money allows

all to browse

and be endowed

the wish is true

in falls into

places new the cow is you



My kind has all run out

as if kinds could blend

some time if time allows

everything worn in

like its a friend



I said you're all

a painted doll

and it caused

the walls to fall

how far is he?

impatiently

thats as far as far could be

Stickler said...

Chud are you going to dissappear like auburn?

DC Cookie said...

Be still my heart...

Kayla said...

I want to date Scooter ;) he had me at the Ninja Rap!

Chud, I thought this list was so hot. Really. And I have a vagina. ;)

Drunken Chud said...

scooter...

cibby, thank you, i have to agree with you. it can only get better.

scooter... i got nothin'.

hehehehe, cookie, aint i a gem?

Kayla!?!?!?! where did you go? your blog is sending me rss feeds for auto insurance. sigh...