01 November 2006

i'm a suave motherfucker.

me: hey darlin' how's it goin?
her: i'm drunk as fuck. 
me: me too, and my hand is on your ass!
her: is that what that is? it is so helping me stand up!
----

me: umm... awkward, but did we we have sex?
her #2: (all snotty like) uhhh, i don't think so. 
me: you don't think so? 
her #2: uhh, yeah. 
me: so you don't know if we've had sex? SWEET! I LOVE SLUTS!  let's try to jog your memory.
----

me: oh hey, i know you. you're one of the twins.
her #3: uhh... no. they're over there.
me: so... you like fat guys?
----

so right now, i am a gassy mofo. drank a bunch of blue tonight at our neighborhood bonfire then went to the bar. somewhere in the midst of all this my farts somehow smell like dead rats on white castle hamburgers, burned in an oil fire. yeah, i so strafed the bar on my way out, and so told everyone i was doing so. i'm a baaaaaaaaad man! 

12 comments:

joe said...

I bow to thee... but not too low to catch a blast from thy ass.

Scooter said...

Her #2 sounds like someone needs to massage her girly bits until she has an orgasm so hard, she can't speak for a couple of minutes.

I volunteer.

Steph said...

You are such a bunch of wrongness!!

Funny bastard though.

Drunken Chud said...

dude seriously, my ass stank was offensive even to myself.

scooter, she was unworthy of girly bit massage.

steph, why i am a bunch of wrongness? this makes no sense!

Stickler said...

Oh man, I hate it when someone leaves a lingerer and everyone blames you for it.

I had a friend who farted in the car once, it smelled awful, then floated to the top of the seiling, mutated and came back as even worse smelling, that is a car ride I will never forget!

auburn said...

You're not bad.
You're beautiful:)

Stepho said...

It's probably a good thing you told her your hand was on her ass, otherwise she might have mistaken you for a piece of the bar furniture.

Zen Wizard said...

Your lifestyle is to be envied.

Anonymous said...

You crop dusting, womanizing pimp-daddy you! Knock them out cold with the chemical warfare and take them home! Okay, that was in poor taste, but it's all in good fun.

Drunken Chud said...

stick... ride in a car with me once. you'll want to forget it.

aww, aubs... you think a gassy ass like me is beautiful? how sweet. though, slightly suspect.

oh, she mistook for bar furniture anyhow. though, she wasn't anywhere near as cool as the chick that as soon as i walked into the bar decided she was so drunk she needed to shake hands with my cock. true story. i walk in, and she suddenly has her hand on cock and is all strokin' me and shit. i loved her. then her friend took her out of the bar cuz she was falling down drunk. sigh.

thank you zen, thank you. i try.

dr. ken, what was in poor taste? sounded like a good saturday to me.

Scooter said...

DeVos probably doesn't even cheat on his wife. What a pussy.

Drunken Chud said...

he lacks that commitment to the cause.