08 January 2006

since Rev was posting jokes to me, i figured i'd post them to you.

[22:41] WhiteHonkyDevil: what do you call a fish with no eyes?
[22:42] FindlayTex: blind?
[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: a fsh
[22:42] FindlayTex: lol

[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: How do you kill a circus?
[22:42] WhiteHonkyDevil: god these are lame
[22:43] FindlayTex: dunno. with a rifle?
[22:43] WhiteHonkyDevil: Go straight for the juggler.
[22:43] FindlayTex: hehehehehehehehe

[22:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple whiskey.Bartender comes over and remarks, Triple whiskey eh? You must have had a rough day. Tell me about it. I got off work early today, so I go home and what do I come home to find, but my wife screwing my best friend. That's just awful, says the bartender. What did you say to your wife? What do you think I said? I told her to pack her things and get the hell out! And what did you say to your best freind? I grabbed him by the face, looked him straight in the eye, and told him... Bad Dog!!!

[22:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
[22:45] FindlayTex: a deer
[22:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: a no eye-deer
[22:45] FindlayTex: oh i knew that one.

[22:46] WhiteHonkyDevil: A mathematician visited a native american reservation. He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But I can run to the mountain before sundown, and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground." Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.

[22:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns and says, "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
[22:47] FindlayTex: lol!

[22:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: Descartes walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for an imported beer. The barkeep responds, "sorry, we only have domestic beers. Would you like one of those." After taking a second or two to think about it, Descartes responds, "I think not," then vanishes.
[22:48] FindlayTex: the squah one is killing me. so lame.
[22:48] WhiteHonkyDevil: yeah

[22:48] WhiteHonkyDevil: Two atoms are walking down the street and one trips over a crack in the sidewalk and falls down. His buddy asks, "are you ok?" The atom replies, "no, I think I lost an electron." His buddy says, "wow, are you sure." The fallen atom replies, "yes, I'm POSITIVE."
[22:48] FindlayTex: lol to descartes

[22:49] WhiteHonkyDevil: How are Michael Jackson and caviar the same?
The both come on little crackers.
[22:50] FindlayTex: lol

[22:50] WhiteHonkyDevil: 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
[22:50] FindlayTex: lolocaust

[22:52] WhiteHonkyDevil: knock knock
[22:53] FindlayTex: who dere?
[22:53] WhiteHonkyDevil: i ate mop
[22:53] FindlayTex: i ate a mop who?
[22:53] FindlayTex: lol lol lol
[22:53] FindlayTex: i am snorting i am laughing so hard

[22:59] WhiteHonkyDevil: What do you call an Italian guy that has a rubber toe?
[22:59] FindlayTex: dunno
[22:59] WhiteHonkyDevil: roberto
[23:00] FindlayTex: nice

[23:05] WhiteHonkyDevil: A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
[23:05] FindlayTex: my favorite joke.
[23:05] WhiteHonkyDevil: The horse says, "My wife just died."
[23:05] FindlayTex: lol

[23:06] WhiteHonkyDevil: Guy walks into a drug store, says to the gal behind the counter. "Hi, I need some condoms for my 11-year old daughter." The lady, shocked, says "What? Your 11-year old daughter is sexually active?" The man says "Nah, she just lays there like her mother."
[23:06] FindlayTex: oh noes

[23:07] WhiteHonkyDevil: An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said," What is it? "
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[23:08] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why do women have small feet?
[23:08] FindlayTex: lol
[23:08] WhiteHonkyDevil: So they can get their ass closer to the sink!
[23:08] FindlayTex: closer to the sink
[23:08] FindlayTex: i told that one to kupras earlier.

[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why dont blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: Because their balls will show.

[23:09] WhiteHonkyDevil: A baby seal goes into a bar.
"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club," says the seal.
[23:09] FindlayTex: lol
[23:09] FindlayTex: !

[23:10] WhiteHonkyDevil: How's a woman like a comupter?
[23:10] WhiteHonkyDevil: computer...dur
[23:10] FindlayTex: how?
[23:11] FindlayTex: cumupter.
[23:11] WhiteHonkyDevil: You only have to punch info into her once
[23:11] FindlayTex: lol

[23:14] WhiteHonkyDevil: A cowboy and his Indian guide are out on "the trail" when the Indian reaches down, touches the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come..."
The cowboy asks, "How can you tell?"

[23:17] WhiteHonkyDevil: what's brown and runny?
[23:17] WhiteHonkyDevil: Jesse Owens
[23:17] FindlayTex: lol

[23:21] WhiteHonkyDevil: Q: What is a pirate's favorite kind of socks?
A: Aarrrgyle.
[23:21] FindlayTex: rofl

[23:22] WhiteHonkyDevil: What's green and has wheels?
[23:23] FindlayTex: a car? a bike?
[23:23] WhiteHonkyDevil: Grass, I lied about the wheels.
[23:23] FindlayTex: hahahahahaha

[23:25] WhiteHonkyDevil: A man walks into a bar and notices Van Gogh sitting at the end of the bar. He orders a beer and asks Van Gogh "Do you need a beer?", and Van Gogh replies "I got one 'ere."
[23:27] FindlayTex: hehehe

[23:31] WhiteHonkyDevil: An upset woman storms into the golf pro shop and says to the clerk, "I was just golfing on your course and I was stung by a bee right in between the first and second holes. What do you suggest I do?"
The clerk says, "Well for starters lady I'd suggest you narrow your stance a bit."
[23:32] FindlayTex: i always liked that joke.

[23:34] WhiteHonkyDevil: What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall?
[23:34] WhiteHonkyDevil: dam

[23:38] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why are pirates so cool?
[23:38] WhiteHonkyDevil: they just arrrrrrrrrrrrr
[23:39] FindlayTex: teehee

[23:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
[23:44] WhiteHonkyDevil: He forgot his safe word.
[23:44] FindlayTex: bwahahahahahahaha
[23:44] FindlayTex: ok, THAT was good

[23:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
[23:45] WhiteHonkyDevil: he wiped
[23:47] FindlayTex: i snorted

[23:47] WhiteHonkyDevil: Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he beats her with a shovel.
[23:47] FindlayTex: lol

[00:01] WhiteHonkyDevil: Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.
[00:02] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[00:16] WhiteHonkyDevil: It's the Spring of 1960 and Bobby goes to pick up his date Peggy Sue. When he goes to the front door, the girl's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

"Thanks." says Bobby.

Peggy's mother asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or to the drive-in. Peggy's mother responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Peggy's mother to repeat it. "Yeah !" says Peggy's mother, "Peggy really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her."

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plans for the evening begin to look pretty good. A few minutes later Peggy comes downstairs in and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 5 minutes later, Peggy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her mother: "MOM! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST, THE TWIST!!!
[00:18] FindlayTex: hahahahahahahahahahaha. took a while to get there... but it's gold.

[00:22] WhiteHonkyDevil: What's a six course meal on an indian reservation? A six pack and a puppy.
[00:23] FindlayTex: hrmm... that's a thinker...
[00:23] FindlayTex: lol

[00:26] FindlayTex: Did you hear the one about the gay deaf mute?
Neither did he.
[00:26] WhiteHonkyDevil: heh

[00:27] FindlayTex: Three guys are sitting in a bar, an Italian, an Irishman, and a Polack. The Italian is talking about a bar back in Italy. He says "Its great.....you buy your first drink, you buy your second drink, and the third is on the house." The Irishman says "Thats nothing, back in Ireland I know a bar where you buy one drink, and the second one is on the house." The Polack says "I have you both beat, Back in Poland I know a bar where you get free drinks all night, then they take you in the back and get you laid." The Italian and the Irishman look at him and say "Wow.....that really happened to you?" The polack says "No, it happened to my sister."
[00:27] WhiteHonkyDevil: ah yes

[00:27] FindlayTex: "What did the blind quadriplegic get for Christmas?


[00:28] FindlayTex: This is terrible. Talking about battered women. Every year there are thousands of battered women, and I can't believe I've been eating mine raw all this time.
[00:28] WhiteHonkyDevil: hahaha
[00:29] FindlayTex: hehehehe
[00:29] FindlayTex: yes.

[00:33] FindlayTex: how did Hitler tie his shoes?

In little Nazis

[00:33] WhiteHonkyDevil: Where did the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies
[00:33] FindlayTex: oh god i am crying.

[00:36] FindlayTex: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

[00:36] FindlayTex: why are women smarter than cows ?

so they dont poop on the floor while they do the dishes

[00:37] FindlayTex: How do you make a cat go "Wooof"?
Soak it in gas and light a match.


Kristin said...

I'm so amused. What an effing great way to start the week. Reading jokes and cracking up. In my office. By myself. (They already think I'm nuts.)

joe said...

Wow. What a Monday morning post.

Heidi said...

hahahaha. Actually, the muffin joke is one of my favorites of all time.

Scooter said...

So, a businessman walks into a second story bar and sits down next to a lush. The lush immediately begins telling the businessman about the amazing air currents around the bar.

In fact, to prove their remarkability, the lush jumps out the window, floats for a few seconds, and then climbs back in.

Amazed, the businessman jumps out the window, and falls flat on the pavement.

The bartender takes one look at the lush, and says, "Superman, you are a mean drunk."

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Holy bajeezus that's a lot of jokes.

Laura Beth said...

I'm confused. There's one where the kid was going to pick up his date Peggy Sue. Then, as the conversation continues, Carrie's mother starts talking. Then Peggy Sue somehow morphs into Carrie and AHHH! Did I miss something?

Hey, going to the bar tonight? Call me before 8 if you need a ride.

Drunken Chud said...

i'm glad i could start off the morning for you guys.

i didn't catch that laura. heh. that makes it funnier. i will call you if i am feeling better. right now i'm kinda sicky mc sickerson. not really sick, but blechy.

James K said...

wow.. somebody learned how to cut and paste fark.com Threads...

At least I steal my joke from many locations! lol

Rev said...

yeah, WOW dickbag....if the conversation hadn't been edited, it would have mentioned that it was all taken from Fark...but hey, judging from your response, and what I've heard about you in the past, let me prove to you that I actually took credit for stealing things....

[22:48] FindlayTex: lol to descartes
[22:49] FindlayTex: where are you getting these gems.
[22:49] WhiteHonkyDevil: fark

There, so it's not totally taken out of context, douchebag...

Chud tries to bring some humor to his post after pouring his heart out to everyone, and some faggot decides he has to ruin the party...well hey, here's some news for you...all these jokes are VERY old, and nobody ever tried to claim they were the author. So, go fuck yourself Mr "too cool for the room"

Hey, I knew someone named James that is older than you, i guess your name is a fucking ripoff...


Rolligun said...

Lol, I definately enjoyed the post, but at the expense of future brain function.

It was worth it.

James K said...

well then... My post was made as a joke. I was also cut and pasting Jokes (some from Fark) to Chud on Sunday as well.

I thought it was funny we were both doing the same thing. I figured Chud would pick up on that.

Thanks for the insults though!

Rev said...

Eh, I'm just fucking around, too...

Drunken Chud said...

damn, all this tension. to a joke post... next thing you know someone's gonna start bashing the present administration and then all hell's gonna break loose.

Scooter said...

Damn that Condoleeza Rice! What with her full luscious lips and stylish dress! Oh, it makes me want to ravage her on a tarmac with Air Force One taxiing in the distance...

Wait, you said "bash"? Not "fantasize"?

Drunken Chud said...

scooter and condi... so scary... yet... somehow, just right...

Stepho said...

So THAT'S how you spell "oh noes." I've been spelling it wrong.

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