29 January 2006

The Fairy Tale Ending

This was a post I had wanted to do a couple months ago just never got around to it. This past November my buddy Kurt and I went up north to go hunting. Now, deer camp is aptly nicknamed “beer camp” for a reason. Beer rhymes with deer. See? Good reason. So, allow me to set the stage:
Sunday night we head up north. Had to use a motel cuz my parents were being shitty about the cabin. We had just had a wicked bad storm that knocked out the power and a line was “down” allegedly. They were afraid we’d step on a live wire… blah blah blah. So anyhow, we get there Monday morning and unpack, and there were no downed wires. There was no power either. But that’s cuz the downed wires were elsewhere on the lake.
So it’s Monday, opening day is Tuesday. So we decide to get shitty drunk. After bullshitting about all kinds of goofy things and telling lies about the deer we’re going to kill it’s time for bed. Our cabin is an old style cabin with all timber interior. The walls for the bedrooms only go up about 7 1/2 feet. However the roof peaks well above that. So there is a lot of open air between the rooms. Which basically means that no sound goes unheard. This is a good thing, when you have no power, and are drunk, and decide that telling some form of story will be entertaining enough to possibly enable some sleep. However, I was shitty drunk. My story telling… has seen better days. But, as it has been regaled back to me, and as best I can remember, this is the story I told that night:

So there’s these three bears that live in a house. It’s not a very big house, but, it’s not really small either. I mean, it’s kinda small, but it’s only the three of them so they don’t need much house. They’re a close family.
So this chick is walking through the forest. She’s a hot slut with blonde hair and a cute little dress that just makes you wanna jump her right there. Her name was Goldilocks and she was a hot slut. So she’s walkin’ through the forest, and she’s hot. But it was a wig. And she’s hot. But she’s bitter, and resentful, cuz she was gang raped.
So the bears are chillin’ at their house when the dad bear says, “Let’s go do something, even if it’s wrong.” So they pile into their car and drive away. No, wait, there was some porridge or something, and it was way to hot for all of them. But really they hated the mom bears cooking and wanted an excuse for eating out. So they take off to go somewhere fun.
Along comes the hot slut. She sees the bear’s house and decides to break in. cuz that’s what hot sluts do. They break into your shit. So she eats some porridge from the dads bowl and spits it out cuz it was fuckin’ hot. Then she tastes the mom’s porridge and throws it on the floor in a rage cuz it was fuckin’ ice cold. She took a bit from junior’s bowl and looks at the camera and says, “meh.” And proceeds to eat it all. So then there’s something with some rocking chairs, or something. And then, after trashing their house, she decides to take a nap. She tries the dad’s bed first and shits in it cuz it was too firm. Then she tries mom’s bed and rubs her muddy hot little shoes on it cuz it was too soft. Now, here’s an interesting tidbit, mom and dad don’t share a bed. Junior has been struggling with this for the past 6 months when his parents moved into separate rooms. He knows they’re going to get a divorce but he wants his parents to stay together. Anyhow, back to the hot slut. She lays down in junior’s bed and decides that it is just “meh”. So, she gets naked, and falls asleep.
She wakes up hours later when the bears come home. Frightened she jumps out the second story window, without opening it first. The bears hear the commotion and decide to check it out. They see her clothes on the floor and the blood on the window and a bare assed chick with a wig all asunder running into the forest. Junior decides to give chase. After all, how far can a naked bleeding chick get? So he finds her, they make mad passionate interspecies love. Then his dad eats her. Like for dinner, not in a pleasuring her girl parts way. And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Goldilocks… she kinda got screwed on that one. The end.

------
I’m thinking of getting shitty drunk like that and doing my own series of children’s books. Should be lucrative.

14 comments:

Kristin said...

I can just see you tucking in the kids with that one...

"Ah, son. I'll explain 'pleasuring her girl parts' later."

Sarah said...

Chud writing childrens books is a very scary thought....

Scooter said...

Dude, I can just see it, a children's book section in an Amsterdam adult bookstore....

hobbitluvr said...

chud you are bad! you need to get stronger roofies!

serena

joe said...

Chud, man. Write your own childrens book.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

I'm horrified!!

Stepho said...

I will tell that tale to my childrens' children.

Drunken Chud said...

kristin that image... makes me laugh. cuz, i'm pretty sure i'd have some illustrations by that point.

to the rest of you... thank you for your support of my venture into children's literature.

laurie, it's ok honey... it'll pass.

Steph said...

Bahahahahah! I say you re-write Snow white and the seven dwarfs. Nothing like a bit of dwarf pr0n i say!

joe said...

http://www.playboy.com/sex/features/girlsofmyspace/

Drunken Chud said...

oh steph... that would be baaad. there'd be dwarf gangbangs... i must do it now. i will try to get to that level of drunkenness, and get a recorder, so that i may re-do a classic. hehehe.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Chuddy if you ever publish such stories please make it a non-picture book.

'=/

Rolligun said...

I think you gonna have well adjusted children, just follow you instincts...

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