Ok, I got this myspace stupid thing that listed off all these qualities that some 7th grader has been brainwashed into thinking is what women want in their ideal man... I dissected it, Chud style. Not my best work, but fuck it, I’m buzzed and it's 430am.
I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.
Right, like any woman in the world would tolerate that shit. "Holy shit he's like totally suffocating me". Whatever, if you need to text someone that corny shit, you need to be hit in the head.
I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "I miss you and wish you were here" just because.
Again, how needy can you be? If you're a girl, you probably like this in premise, but really, when a guy does it every hour on the hour? Time to check and see if his balls are still attached. My guess is no.
I'm the guy who will blindfold you, take you to the beach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where we are.
Ok, if you don't know where you are by the sound of the waves and sand on your feet then you're a dumb whore that I don't want to date anyhow. Dummy.
I'm the guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.
Ok, that's called stalking. Way to put her under undue pressure, asshole. At least if she knew you were coming she would have omitted the triple Lundy from her diving routine so you wouldn't see her fail. Since it is an impossible dive mastered by only one man...
I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.
Yeah, life lesson dude, YOU'RE THE REASON SHE'S CRYING! She doesn't want you to hold her, she threw that lamp at you for a reason, she wants her space. Now fuck off and let a real man move in.
I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on, wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.
Chances are, you are. But really, would it kill ya to put on a little lipstick and maybe not wear your exes sweats? I mean, seriously.
I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don’t want to.
Well then, be prepared to be pressured into doing things you don't want to do there guy. Cuz THAT'S all you're gonna be doing. Women sense weakness, and they pounce. You can't assert yourself? Guess what? You just became a doormat you assclown. You won't see your testicles for another 10 years. Dumbass.
I'm the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.
Ok, I can sorta see that. But it had better be a good movie, and not some chick flick. Just cuz she's sick doesn't mean she has to watch what she wanted. YOU took time out of your day to go to her, you get to choose.
I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.
CUZ YOU'RE TOO PUSSY TO MAKE A MOVE FOR THE LIPS! ASSHEAD
I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.
Then you're a woman. NO MAN ever listens. We feign interest; catch buzzwords, and just say, ok, or mmhmm when there's a pause so that she thinks we're listening. We’re not. We don't care that the store was out of appelicious lipstick and that Brenda had a fight with Tony and now Tony and Maggie are totally going to get it on. Why? Cuz it doesn't concern us and it has no relevance on us getting any. Period.
I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.
Maybe if you're getting laid for the first time. Other than that... meh...
I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know how many times I have used that line? hahahaha, I just wanna cuddle, nothing more. No seriously, I won't try anything... just a slight nibble, maybe a soft caress, next thing you know I’ve got your mind going and motor humming and you're begging me for sex. Which I happily oblige. I don't use that line anymore. Now it's "you want me to stay over? Well, I don't have any condoms on me." Yeah, you gotta lay that shit out.
I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.
Give it time, she will learn to ruin any good time you ever wanted to have. It's what they do. Besides, you have to smile when she walks into the room, it's the non verbal cue to your buddies that you guys have to stop talking about the coat check girl you just nailed.
I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.
CUZ YOU'RE GAY! Straight men want to watch movies, drink beer, and lick box. Deal.
I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.
You will when she starts bitching you out for going where you're going, having been where you've been, and for being with who you've been with. Idiot
I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends how much he likes you.
You should be... you should be...
I'm the guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.
Girls like the alpha male. Period. Act like an epsilon male, and the next thing you know, your girlfriend is fucking your friend and his girlfriend in your bed with your mom’s vibrator in her ass. Retard
I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.
Meh... I got nothing on this one. Unless her imperfections are nagging, and slutting about, then, yeah I hate your imperfections.
I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.
Dude. Seriously. Gay! Unless you just got done screwing on the deck of your boat, and the sun is coming up, and you're both naked. Or, if you've been partying till the sun comes up, and she's puking and you're holding her hair, trying to judge how many mints it's gonna take so you'll be able to kiss her without wanting to vomit in her mouth.
I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.
Not possible. Period. Girls need chaos, drama and disorder. Once you learn this, your life can move forward. Jackass.
If this is your perfect guy repost this with the title "I want this guy"
If you have a guy like this repost with the title "I have this guy"
If this is you repost this with the title "I'm that guy"
If you were to repost as "I’m that guy" you'd be a fraud. Cuz you're not a guy. You now deserve to be whacked in the nuts by every male within 100 feet of you. Asshat.
God damn I'm such a romantic aren't I?