20 January 2006

Myspace Survey's ACK!

Ok, I got this myspace stupid thing that listed off all these qualities that some 7th grader has been brainwashed into thinking is what women want in their ideal man... I dissected it, Chud style. Not my best work, but fuck it, I’m buzzed and it's 430am.

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I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

Right, like any woman in the world would tolerate that shit. "Holy shit he's like totally suffocating me". Whatever, if you need to text someone that corny shit, you need to be hit in the head.

I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "I miss you and wish you were here" just because.

Again, how needy can you be? If you're a girl, you probably like this in premise, but really, when a guy does it every hour on the hour? Time to check and see if his balls are still attached. My guess is no.

I'm the guy who will blindfold you, take you to the beach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where we are.

Ok, if you don't know where you are by the sound of the waves and sand on your feet then you're a dumb whore that I don't want to date anyhow. Dummy.

I'm the guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.

Ok, that's called stalking. Way to put her under undue pressure, asshole. At least if she knew you were coming she would have omitted the triple Lundy from her diving routine so you wouldn't see her fail. Since it is an impossible dive mastered by only one man...

I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

Yeah, life lesson dude, YOU'RE THE REASON SHE'S CRYING! She doesn't want you to hold her, she threw that lamp at you for a reason, she wants her space. Now fuck off and let a real man move in.

I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on, wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.

Chances are, you are. But really, would it kill ya to put on a little lipstick and maybe not wear your exes sweats? I mean, seriously.

I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you don’t want to.

Well then, be prepared to be pressured into doing things you don't want to do there guy. Cuz THAT'S all you're gonna be doing. Women sense weakness, and they pounce. You can't assert yourself? Guess what? You just became a doormat you assclown. You won't see your testicles for another 10 years. Dumbass.

I'm the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.

Ok, I can sorta see that. But it had better be a good movie, and not some chick flick. Just cuz she's sick doesn't mean she has to watch what she wanted. YOU took time out of your day to go to her, you get to choose.

I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.

CUZ YOU'RE TOO PUSSY TO MAKE A MOVE FOR THE LIPS! ASSHEAD

I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

Then you're a woman. NO MAN ever listens. We feign interest; catch buzzwords, and just say, ok, or mmhmm when there's a pause so that she thinks we're listening. We’re not. We don't care that the store was out of appelicious lipstick and that Brenda had a fight with Tony and now Tony and Maggie are totally going to get it on. Why? Cuz it doesn't concern us and it has no relevance on us getting any. Period.

I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking forward to our date that night.

Maybe if you're getting laid for the first time. Other than that... meh...

I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know how many times I have used that line? hahahaha, I just wanna cuddle, nothing more. No seriously, I won't try anything... just a slight nibble, maybe a soft caress, next thing you know I’ve got your mind going and motor humming and you're begging me for sex. Which I happily oblige. I don't use that line anymore. Now it's "you want me to stay over? Well, I don't have any condoms on me." Yeah, you gotta lay that shit out.

I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.

Give it time, she will learn to ruin any good time you ever wanted to have. It's what they do. Besides, you have to smile when she walks into the room, it's the non verbal cue to your buddies that you guys have to stop talking about the coat check girl you just nailed.

I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.

CUZ YOU'RE GAY! Straight men want to watch movies, drink beer, and lick box. Deal.

I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.

You will when she starts bitching you out for going where you're going, having been where you've been, and for being with who you've been with. Idiot

I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends how much he likes you.

You should be... you should be...

I'm the guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.

Girls like the alpha male. Period. Act like an epsilon male, and the next thing you know, your girlfriend is fucking your friend and his girlfriend in your bed with your mom’s vibrator in her ass. Retard

I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.

Meh... I got nothing on this one. Unless her imperfections are nagging, and slutting about, then, yeah I hate your imperfections.

I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.

Dude. Seriously. Gay! Unless you just got done screwing on the deck of your boat, and the sun is coming up, and you're both naked. Or, if you've been partying till the sun comes up, and she's puking and you're holding her hair, trying to judge how many mints it's gonna take so you'll be able to kiss her without wanting to vomit in her mouth.

I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD.

Not possible. Period. Girls need chaos, drama and disorder. Once you learn this, your life can move forward. Jackass.

Girls
If this is your perfect guy repost this with the title "I want this guy"
If you have a guy like this repost with the title "I have this guy"
Guys
If this is you repost this with the title "I'm that guy"


If you were to repost as "I’m that guy" you'd be a fraud. Cuz you're not a guy. You now deserve to be whacked in the nuts by every male within 100 feet of you. Asshat.

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God damn I'm such a romantic aren't I?

25 comments:

Rev said...

I was actually going to steal that and repost it, giving proper attribution, but I realized how many of those fucking things I've actually done.

Which is made even funnier by the fact that you got that from my ex-girlfriend.

Drunken Chud said...

yes, yes. and of course she posted with, "i want this guy". heh. dingy broad. nobody wants that guy. nobody.

Rev said...

I KINDA tried to be that guy....it was all overlooked, though.

Fuck it.

Kristin said...

Ah, you are such a romantic! Cuddly, wuddly little sweetheart.

Actually, that guy would probably make me throw up a little.

Drunken Chud said...

ahh, kristin, coming over to the darkside... hehehehe.

yeah, rev, see what trying to be that guy gets you? NOWHERE!

Stepho said...

Ah ha ha haha hahahahahaaaaa!!!!!! I had a guy who was like that once...well, mostly like that. And yes, he was a psychopathic stalker. So we see that we do not REALLY want "that guy." It's called obsession.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Chuddy you are just crazy.

;)

Steph said...

God damn you are some fine catch! But i bet you're single. Am i right? Am i right? Am i right?

My ex used to write me poetry. Got my juices flowing EVERY time. Each to their own i guess.

Drunken Chud said...

you know, if it got a girls juices flowing, i might do it. but i am certainly not going to do it to court her... that could be really corny.

Jacques Roux said...

God damn, dude, did you steal this out of my play book?!?!?!

I disagree, this IS some of your best work, at least during the short period of time I've been lurking about here. So many of your observations had me chortling. Yes, chortling...

Drunken Chud said...

ahh, when i can a chortle out of someone, i know i've hit paydirt! thanks a lot jaques.

katey said...

riiight. are you a chick? no. are all girls the same? no. are all guys the same? no. is every girl looking for the same kind of guy? no. so shut the fuck up. you only know what does and doesnt apply to YOU.
ps. i personally find alpha type males. assholes who have too much shit up their ass. much like how YOU sound.

Boop.. wtf 'spose to write here said...

hehe ive gotta agree wit katey up there lol b-e-a-utiful =D
it was funny chud but that aint no truth ;)

El B said...

I love this damn blog! So sarky & to-the-point. But some of you peeps gotta realise that's all it is! Some chicks I know will find this heeeeeeeelarious!!!

Brannwen said...

Total stranger here, I just stumbled onto this post and laughed my ass off.

myspace addict much? said...

Ahahahaha!!

I have no idea how I found this.

But I just spent about twenty minutes laughing.

God, I have no life. =]

Anonymous said...

you seem like an ass juts a bit. lol your right about some of these things but not all of it, and therefore you seem like the jerk, not the dumbass who wrote thta

whit said...

I have no clue how I found this...mainly, I was just bored, I guess.

But I'm a girl, and i agree with what you said, and I laughed for like ten minutes reading this.

Anonymous said...

And that's what I call sexist.

Anonymous said...

haha simply amazing.
i hate it when a guy's more of a woman than i am.
and the fact that you were drunk when you wrote it makes you just that much cooler. :]

Anonymous said...

SOUNDS LIKE ONE THAT I DID MONTHS AGO...

I want to meet a chick that actually wants all of these things. If you e-mail me and say, "I'm one of those girls!" you're either:

1. Lying

2. Lame

Enjoy,

Kelly Marie

-To every girl who is looking for true love. YOU DON'T "LOOK" FOR TRUE LOVE. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE NOT FINDING IT!


-To every girl that is herself no matter what. YOU SHOULD BE YOURSELF SO WHY SHOULD YOU GET PRAISED FOR THIS?


-To every girl that dresses cute not skanky. WELL NO WONDER YOU'RE "LLOKING" FOR LOVE. THE GUYS LIKE THE SKANKY CLOTHING. AND IF YOU E-MAIL ME AND SAY DIFFERENTLY, PLEASE BE REALISTIC!


-To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot. YOU'D SMILE JUST AS BIG IF YOU WERE CALLED HOT RATHER THAN BEAUTIFUL - GIVE ME A BREAK!


-To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect birthday present for you. YOU GO TO THE MALL AND SPEND THE WHOLE DAY LOOKING FOR A PRESENT FOR YOURSELF. AS YOU'RE CHECKING OUT, YOU REMEMBER YOUR FRIEND AND PULL SOMETHING OFF OF THE DISPLAY NEXT TO YOU!

-To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead. YOU SHOULD BE THE WHORE THEN BECAUSE HE'D STAY WITH YOU.


-To every girl who is nice to everyone no matter who they are. WELL LEARN TO BE A LITTLE BITCHY - IT WILL GET YOU PLACES!


-To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE LIKE THIS - THEY ALREADY HAVE BOYFRIENDS!!

-To every girl that wont settle for the jerk. WELL YOU BETTER SETTLE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND ONE.


-To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess. TAKE THE TIARA OUT OF YOUR ASS AND STOP CRYING. BE THANKFUL THAT THEY TREAT YOU LIKE A HUMAN. SOME MEN RATHER SPEND TIME WITH THEIR VEHICLE THAN YOU. AND I'M STARTING TO REALIZE WHY!!!


-To every girl that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. IF YOU DID IT YOU WOULDN'T BE BITCHING ABOUT NOT HAVING A BOYFRIEND!


-To every girl that just wants to holds hands. SOME GUYS DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN OUT IN PUBLIC WITH YOU. HINT, IF HE DOESN'T HOLD YOUR HAND PEOPLE MAY THINK YOU'RE HIS SISTER.


-To every girl that kisses him with meaning. GIRLS DO KISS WITH MEANING. YOU'D GET A GUY THAT KISSES BACK WITH MEANING IF YOU'D LET HIM IMAGINE YOU AS PAMELA ANDERSON (OR WHATEVER FEMALE GETS THEM OFF).


-To every girl who just wishes he cared. HE DOES CARE - JUST NOT ABOUT YOU. IF YOU WERE A TRUCK OR A SKATEBOARD OR AN X-BOX.


-To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold. BRING YOUR OWN JACKET. HE BRINGS A JACKET TO KEEP HIMSELF WARM AND IF YOU WANTED TO BE WARM YOU SHOULD HAVE PLANNED ON BRINGING A JACKET!


-To every girl who just wants him to call. HE'S TOO BUSY - LEAVE HIM ALONE! IF HE DOESN'T CALL THEN GET THE POINT!


-To every girl who wastes her day waiting by the phone. THAT'S YOUR OWN FAULT - NOT HIS!


-To every girl that just wants to cuddle. MEN WANT SEX - PERIOD.


-To every girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him. SEE ABOVE


-To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times. YOU'VE BEEN "HURT" SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.


-To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back. LIKE I SAID - YOU'RE NOT A TRUCK, SKATEBOARD, X-BOX, ETC.


-To every girl that thought maybe this could be the one. YOU THOUGHT WRONG. TRY AGAIN AND THIS TIME FOLLOW MY ADVICE!


-To every girl that believes in her dreams. THAT'S GOOD BUT DON'T EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN THEM. THEY ARE YOUR DREAMS FOR A REASON - NOBODY ELSE CARES!


-To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve them. GOOD FOR YOU! WANT A COOKIE?? NOW STOP COMPLAINING.


-To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually does
think it is funny. IF IT'S FUNNY YOU WOULD OBVIOUSLY LAUGH. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. EVEN IF IT IS STUPID IT STILL MADE YOU LAUGH RIGHT? BE HAPPY THAT YOUR MAN MADE YOU LAUGH INSTEAD OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU DO (I.E. BITCH, NAG, CRY, ETC.)


-To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is
having a rough time along the way. THERE ARE MORE FISH IN THE SEA - TRY AGAIN!!


-To every girl that gave her heart only to have it shoved back
in her face. IT HAS HAPPENED TO A MAN BEFORE, BUT DO THEY COMPLAIN?? NO!! WHY?? BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT WHINY LITTLE TIARA WEARING BRATS!!

This one is for you.

P.S. IF YOU E-MAIL HATE MAIL TO ME BECAUSE OF THIS YOU SHOULD SIT BACK AND THINK BEFORE YOU SEND IT. YOU KNOW THIS IS TRUE!! FREAKING WOMEN!!

TheGirlThatPushedYourButtons said...

I agree with most of the above. Sadly I am the girl that likes the sentiment to an extent but loves the neanderthal alpha male. A guy can be both in a healthy relationship. I find it exciting when a guy is confident & cocky but has an understanding side as well. Just because he lets his egotistical guard down and comforts her doesn't mean he is weak or "gay". It's nice to have subtle affection. I want the guy who respects me but is not afraid to show me where I stand with him. Hardcore cocky asshole exterior with a semi sweet interior! Perfect for me.

Anonymous said...

ROTFL. fuck all u pusses this is funny shit.

Drunken Chud said...

wow, been a while since i checked these comments. so, time to start answering.

katey: yes, all girls are the same. how does that make you feel? being the same as the ugly chick next to you? or... are you the ugly chick? call me when your pussy boy boyfriend turns gay or gets fired for being a heel. you fuck off.

boop. is that english?

el... thank you.

branwen glad to help. just another service i offer. weight loss.

addict, none of us have lives. otherwise we wouldn't be writing or reading blogs.

anon... i am a jerk.

thank you whit. you validate me.

anon2... apparently you have no clue what sexist means. so... go lick some box you smelly cunt.

anon3- the fact that you just stroked my ego like that makes me want to plant my seed in you.

anon4- i love you.

button pushing girl, i have a sensitive side... IT'S THE UNDERSIDE OF MY COCK! wanna play with it?

anon5 you're right, it is, and they are.

Anonymous said...

GLAD YOU LIKED IT...

ANON 4