26 June 2007

Here's to swimmin with bowlegged women.

Well, it's been a fuckin long time since I sat down and actually felt a blog in me. To be honest, at this point, I still don’t. There have been a few times that I really felt one in the moment, but I wasn’t near a computer and didn’t want to stop the party. So basically this is going to be a recap blog. What the fuck I’ve been up to in the last month and a half. Well, shortly after my last blog post my brother, my buddy Joe, another buddy James and I all went on a cruise. 6 days to Grand Cayman and Cozumel. Let me start by saying there was another group of four that we met last year that was going on the trip too, and they, like us, can be a bit rowdy. I wish I had pictures from the trip, but alas I do not. Anyhow, the first day I’m up near front of the boat getting drunk with a couple of the ladies as we’re leaving port and I see that waiters on this deck have these foam hats that are the color and shape of the carnival cruise ship smoke stack. I wanted one like I had never wanted anything else in my life. So, I enlisted the help of the girls to distract one of the waiters with their breasts so I could abscond with his headgear. Little did know that Indonesia is where ninjas truly learned their skills… this motherfucker had me blocked, a drink in my hand, my empty on the tray and told me he would get me a new hat before I even knew what had happened. So he comes back with a brand new hat and my receipt so I can sign for it. Fucker already had my sail and sign number and charged me for the damned thing. Goddamn ninja shit. So… long story about the hat short, I rocked it all week. I was THAT guy. So many people on that boat have pictures of me in their photo albums and pictures of them in my pimp ass hat. I’m fucking famous.

So back to the rowdy part. By dinner on the first day one of our crew had partaken of the spirits a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit too much. At dinner she proceeded to try to start a “DEEEETROIT BASKET-BALL!” chant. We were all diving over each other to try to silence her. At one point she threw a fork with a piece of chicken on it at my brother. We are embarrassed as hell, but, we’ve all been there, or were going to be there at some point on this trip. That night, I… was drunk. Not falling down drunk, but, loud knocking shit over, almost upturned a poker table while a game was going on because I was trying to fuck with James while he was playing kind of drunk. I was rockin’ out “up in da club” with my pimp hat. And I was belligerent. Fast forward to the next morning/early afternoon, James was getting his drink on with the girls on the back of the boat. They all left to go do some girly things or to have lesbian sex (not entirely out of the question with them) so James and I rocked up into the cigar lounge. After buying me some drinks and telling me, much to my objection, that he was gonna cover my tab, he decided to buy a bunch of other people some drinks. And some shots. And some cigars. Then my brother comes up and he does the same. I keep trying to tell him he’s too drunk, and he’s gonna regret this in the morning and he keeps telling me to shut up and then orders me another martini. Hard to argue with someone that persuasive. So about an hour or so goes by and ol’ James (now nicknamed WowWow) is having a hard time staying upright. At some point he said something incoherent in any language and put his head on the bar. I was happy just to let him sleep, and as we’re on a cruise ship, they don’t care. Let him sleep at the bar. Now, I have never seen this happen before. Ever. He, while sleeping (passed out) managed to slide off his bar stool. I have seen people fall off before, but I have never seen someone who is completely faced actually fall off and stay down without so much as an attempt to wake. Again, I was content to let him lay there for a minute while I finished my drink, then I’d wrestle him down to his room. We got him down there, and he told us to take his card and use it the rest of the night. We told him no. Then he told his roommate. He said yes. While we’re not THAT big of assholes, we did put everyone’s dinner drinks on his card. Not enough to be mean, but just enough to let it sink in to keep your cash (or cashesque) close when you’re drunk. That night was Bree’s turn to get crocked. I don’t remember much, but she was done for pretty early and may have been taking her clothes off. May not have been, but may have been. The next day was Grand Cayman so nothing big during the day. But that night my brother decided to start a fight in the dance club. I had stepped out to take a piss for two minutes, and I come back to people filing out of the club. I walk through the doors and my brother comes running out to try to start more shit. I pretty much just threw him over my shoulder and dragged him away. At some point he escaped and I caught him. I attempted to get him back down to the room, but he bolted on me. He’s kinda spry and made it down an entire flight of stairs in about 2 strides and was off like a shot. I decided late night pizza was calling my name. I finally get back down to the room and he’s in there yelling. And I mean YELLING. I throw open the door and he’s on his goddamned cell phone with his girlfriend. WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN and he’s on his phone!? At the rates he ended up paying, he fucking deserved it. The next day was Cozumel.

Ok, Mexicans now how to throw a party. I walked down the strip taking those Mexican shop owners for all the free tequila they were worth, and all the dollar beers they had. Then I went to Carlos N’ Charlie’s. they had yards of frozen drinks. I chose the “Dirty Monkey”, which if I remember correctly was tequila (maybe vodka), kahlua, and 99 bananas all blended to frozeny goodness. While they were $15, they did have several 2 for one specials which made them that much tastier. Now, if you’ve never been to Cozumel, I suggest that when you do, you jump your ass in a conga line. At certain points around the conga line there are waiters and waitresses waiting to pour tequila down your throat. Then there’s some dude walking around with a glass bladder thing that looks vaguely like the inner workings of a cock. It has some kind of wine in it. They pour it down your gullet for free. I don’t remember leaving Carlos N’ Charlie’s, in fact, I only have a slight recollection of learning a new way to get street vendors to ignore you: tip #1 be falling down drunk. Tip #2 be more demanding than they are. Tip #3 these should be the only words coming out of your mouth, in drunken loud yelling voice, “NECISSITO MUCHO GRANDE MARIACHI SOMBRERO!” when they try to sell you a regular sombrero you must resist and demand, “NO! MARIACHI!” seriously, they will hide from you. I bought some tequila at the duty free on my way to the boat and poured it in a water bottle. A clear water bottle. With dark tequila. Brown, dark tequila. I was passing it around in the line waiting to get back on the boat, and people were laughing at me cuz I was yelling something about something. I was trying to take bets on my ability to get that on the boat. Well, when I finally walked through security, with my brown water they didn’t even try to stop me. I turned around in a not so quiet drunk whisper told all the people behind me that I had in fact “smuggled my tequila on board”. They laughed, security laughed, and still they let me keep it. the dining room was empty that night. I ordered 1 of everything and ate very little of anything. I went to the room and passed out at 7ish. Woke up at 930 and went out for more. White Russians were about all I could handle. I had the mad tequila shakes, and I was trying to drink them into submission. Other than all that, it was pretty much run of the mill nothing to see here type stuff. Cuz that’s how we do. Anyhow, I’ll finish filling you in, with another post or two. But that’s the highlights of the cruise. Ahh the islands… they really are something.

21 comments:

joe said...

I thought you'd also include how Nicki spewed ranch-covered bread onto James.

Kristin said...

Sounds like fun. Scary for other passengers, but fun. :)

Scooter said...

Jesus Christ in a boxcar... my liver would have exploded.

Drunken Chud said...

joe, i actually completely forgot about that. and how she was completely molesting all of the waiters on the lido deck.

kristin, it was damn good fun. and not too scary for the others... i don't think. heh.

scooter, it probably would have. but, you'd have had fun.

zen wizard said...

Uh, I hate to state the obvious here, but a Kodak FunSaver® would have captured some of these Kodak Moments® rather nicely.

Especially--if Joe Francis has taught us nothing else--when the females started taking their tops off.

Footnote--Every time I go to Mexico, my USDA-pampered stomach gets sick as a dog. Did anyone get sick? I mean, "Mexico sick" or "Montezuma's Revenge Sick"--far exceeds just "hungover."

In fact, this is one reason I like Jamaica better than Cancun--the other being the obvious lack of language barrier.

joe said...

Actually, she molested our waitstaff at dinner too, asking how to say "blowjob" in many languages.

The waitstaff always looked nervous when serving her after that.

joe said...

zen -- Jamaica is a dirty dirty place and shame on you for suggesting otherwise.

Drunken Chud said...

zen, no, nobody in our crew got mexico sick. just tequila sick. which... i surmise most people who get "mexico sick" are just tequila sick and using the the former as a guise. but that's just me.

and as joe so aptly stated... fuck jamaica.

joe, everyone looked nervous serving her. she was "el gringo loco"

Stepho said...

I want to cruise!

Drunken Chud said...

stepho, start saving up now, and we'll find you a deal so you guys can cruise with us next year.

zen wizard said...

You mean she was, "La gringa loca..."

Let's keep our genders straight, and...ah, hell with it...

Drunken Chud said...

you know zen, i thought i was wrong. but i was sure which words to change. you know, being a gringo and all. plus, the only spanish i know is from my brother who deals with his migrant workers all day.

zen wizard said...

Funny story on migrant workers--you know they are making fun of you when they ask for Cinco de Mayo off...in December...

(That happened to this one dude I know.)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

So, when are we partying together?? The Chud and The Doctor could do some damage.

Eve said...

Oh my God.

That was freaking hilarious. Not to be a wet blanket, but I hope you're drinking lots of water to recover. And make sure you keep wearing that hat. At least post a picture of that?

Drunken Chud said...

hahahaha, zen, one of the funniest signs i've seen all year was leading up to cinco de mayo and it read simply: cinco de mayo, may 5th.

ken... next time you're in the d-town area, or i'm in the chi town area. but damage will be done.

eve, water is for the weak. or, for the drunk but behind closed doors. and after the cruise. heh. but yeah, there was recovery time.

James K said...

I have only had a handful of drinks since then. WOW.

Carlos and Charlies was indeed crazy. I guess I should have assumed that when the wait staff and barkeep are slamming shots of tequila with the patrons.

I am curious... Are certain parts of our adventures missing because you are protecting individuals, you just do not care to write about it, or you were to drunk to remember anything? ;)

I am not sure my liver could handle another 7 days of complete drunkeness.

Drunken Chud said...

james i'm not entirely sure what you're talking about. what am i omitting? whatever i'm missing is purely because it had slipped my memory during the typing of this blog. besides, what did we do that would require "protection"?

Steph said...

Oh. My. God!
Nobody parties like you Chuddy. When you coming to Australia????

Drunken Chud said...

steph, i've been dying to get back to oz for the better part of 14 years now. spent three weeks in oz and nz when i was 13/14ish. two weeks in oz and 1 week nz. dove the reef and totalled a hotel in brisbane, and also dove lady musgrave island. it was a damn good time. i miss the hell out of it. sigh.

Stickler said...

Chud, I want to come with you next time! I'm not sure if I can match you drink for drink though.