14 May 2007

I am not a man...

Well, I am. And a fairly imposing one I've been told. HOWEVER, in the world of drinking I am lacking a certain... I don't know what. Though, really, I do know what. I am a man unable to chug. There, I said it. It’s out in the open. I stand before you a naked drunkard completely weak in that regard. I HAVE THE GAG REFLEX OF A 12 YEAR OLD GIRL. However, I have a mouth with a volume just shy of 6 ounces. So in times of need I can impress by downing half a bottle into my mouth, and then taking three swallows to end it all. But I cannot chug. period. People hand me their beers at closing and while I cannot “slam” them traditionally, I can drink them with a quickness. Tonight my manhood was called into question when, at last call, I was given two bottle of “the champagne of beers” to finish. I did this handily, though, they were looking for something in the 8 second area. I CANNOT do this. In order for me to drink that fast I would need the cruel tutelage of Pei Mei. I cannot. This is a fault. One I wish to work on. It is my only downfall as a Major League Drinker. Volume? Check. Drunken Skill games? Check. Trash talk? Check. Power hour champion? Please bitch, I used to century club before the bar! Oh… check. ANYHOW! Wow, tonight is the attack of the caps lock key. I cannot chug, no bonging, no slamming, waterfalls are lost on me, and steal cups (beer pong baseball) are not my forte. This is my weakness. Judge me not.

-------

Ok, anyone faint of heart, or weak of stomach need not read past the upcoming period ---->. So, last night, I got drunk after work, at work on homemade wine. It was made in the style of bathtub Pinot Grigio that happens to be 30% alcohol. An old friend and I damaged a gallon, handily. So I get home, change in to my shorts that I wear when I am unsure if anyone (read: my brother and his trailer slut) is coming home and don’t need my cock flopping in the breeze if they walk in (I may be fat, but I love to nude up). So I decide to check my e-mails and the like and start farting like it’s my job. I love it when this happens as I get to try to stink myself out of my own chair. So, I lift my leg to fart and push so as to make some noise off the leather chair when it happens. No warning, no prior fart with a knock on the back door saying, “hey fatty! Got some liquid here wanting out!” no quick heating sensation that causes all assholes to slam shut, no nothing. The only thing alerting me to the fact that I just evacuated my bowels into my shorts was the sensation of volume growth between the cheeks and the liquid squeak (picture squeezing a water bottle till there’s nothing left type of squeak) I heard. We’re talking no warning, unprovoked, no chatter, no intel, no foreshadowing or allusion, and if there was it was all mishandled type of shart. This was the 9-11 of sharts. When I finally hit the toilette I could picture people running from the stream of liquishits flowing from my ass. So after a careful, yet thought provoking amount of time I decided to shower. Just as I’m about to finish up and jump out, I a quivering, a rumbling, hell a booming voice from the heavens that says I’m not done yet. So… yeah… I hunch over in the shower and let the second tower fall. Oddly enough, not a solid chunk in the bunch to get caught up in the drain. SO, why do I share this with you all? Well, aside from the fact I find it funny as fuck, I now what you would call “gun shy”. I have to carefully mete out my farts. To monitor them and even carefully expel them. The old adage rings true: once bitten, twice shy ( oh great white, when will you cease to be a guiding force in the universe?). Anyhow, I suggest to you dear reader, should you find yourself in this position, do not blog about it. As I am sure I will wake in the morning (read as: afternoon) and slap my forehead in amazement that I thought this would be a good blog post. Hehehehehehehe.

26 comments:

Rev said...

I thought it was a good idea.

Great Whit will always be a guiding force in the universe.

Scooter said...

Damn. You are four kinds of spectacular, Chud.

Kristin said...

That is just a little bit of awesome.

Drunken Chud said...

dude, in my entire drunken post THAT'S what you choose to pick on? i forgot an e? i think that it's a damn good thing that's the only thing i missed. maybe an s somewhere else... but fuck you. i am who i am.

thank you scooter. thank you. truth be told, i don't even have to try. heh.

Kristin you never know what you're gonna get when you check my blog. is it politics? is it masturbation? is it funny bar stories? is it a drunken post that makes no sense? is it a soul baring drunken post? or could be a post about shitting yourself? you just never know.

zen wizard said...

I can chug PediaCare NightRest Cherry Flavored, but only if my mom promises to read me a story afterwards.

Scooter said...

Tag, you're it! It's meme monday!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Wait, what's a shart? Shitting in your shorts?

I laughed my ass off at this post. Any time you shit your pants, I want to be the first to know about it.

Drunken Chud said...

zen, that's a skill. but, the true question is... what story?

scooter, i will get to that. just... not today.

ken, shit+fart=shart. much like sneeze+fart=snart. use it. love it.

josh williams said...

You can buy pepto tablets at the dollar store. Keep em wid ya if your going on a binder with no dinner, its keeps things under control. I sharded once at work went to the bathroom was wearing work boots so I just took my pocket knife and cut off my underware and hid them in trash, I wiped and if I needed to fart I rushed to the toilet and sat to fart.I liked the pants to much to cut them off.

Drunken Chud said...

ha! josh that's awesome. i have never had to cut off skivvies. i have to admire your ingenuity though.

Eve said...

Hahaha.

But um, why didn't you get out of the shower and go to the toilet? Are you trying to create gross situations to blog about? Hmmm...?

zen wizard said...

Well, when it comes to "chugging," call me old fashioned but I find "The Little Engine That Could" to be highly inspirational.

Drunken Chud said...

well eve, i couldn't get out of the shower. it came upon so fast, and in such a way that i knew, should i even attempt to lift a leg to get out or shuffle to the shitter, that whatever wanted out would come out, and probably on the floor. the shower seemed the most utile place. just hose it down and poof! all gone.

zen, so what your saying is that as i'm trying to swallow copious amounts of beer i should be saying out loud for the engineer and the people of the land to hear, "i think i can, i think i can"?

Steph said...

LMAO! You're my hero! That was the funniest thing I've read all day.

Hats off to you Mr Chud. You're one nutso squirty bum.

jungle jane said...

Dude. You've got to get back on the horse. Fart as much as you can. Simply fart on a friend's lap until you have regained your confidence and if you do suffer a follow-through at least it will be amusing. nothing more hilarious than crapping on your mates...

Anonymous said...

I MISS YOU
I LOVE YOU
TAKE ME NOW!






It's been a long weekend, farts with homemade wine hmmmmmmm at least it wasen't beer or then you'd be in trouble.





danal

zen wizard said...

On second thought, that would not fly.

Try doing your Screamin' Jay Hawkins impersonation. (Or sound like the monster in The Creeping Terror; same thing. A close cousin would be the Tazmanian Devil when he is really pissed off.)

Scooter said...

Ooh, you got spammed! I didn't even think comment spam existed anymore...

Drunken Chud said...

steph, i am squirty McSquirtbum. that's my new name.

jane, that simply is the greatest single idea. except for the fact i am a very large man, and sitting on a friend's lap might hurt them quite a bit. which could actually be part of the fun. you may have a bit of the genius in ya.

danal, come over and i will take you. i promise.

zen, i will take that under advisement. will report back with the results.

yeah scoots, occaisionally they still do. mostly though, they tend to spam in the archive.

Scooter said...

I had to do some stuff for the barbecue outside, so I grabbed the first list of war dead that came up in my search.

That'll teach me to not perform due diligence.

LiSh said...

I had something to say

Most likely with sex involved

Then the wine glass got refilled and I emptied it out of reflexive action

fuck

I'm sure it was either intelligent, or sexy.. possibly both

LiSh said...

and I think it was something I likes about shagging chubbies too

Drunken Chud said...

so, lish... how you doin?

Scooter said...

Gotta make a move to a
Town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin'
Keep me groovin' with some energy

Well, I talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about, Talk about
Talk about movin

Gotta move on
Gotta move on
Gotta move on

Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown

Gotta make a move to a
Town that's right for me
Town to keep me movin'
Keep me groovin' with some energy

Well, I talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about it
Talk about, Talk about
Talk about movin

Gotta move on
Gotta move on
Gotta move on

Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown
Won't you take me to
Funkytown

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudly, you have to post, brother. This is getting re-God-damn-diculous..

Eve said...

hellooooo!?