04 May 2007

uhh...

Waitress: how was everything?
Me:(to waitress at checkout) great. how you doin?
Waitress: (blushing) good, and you?
Me: great. hey, do you like fat guys? cuz, ya know, i'm a fat guy.
Waitress: (still blushing) i didn't notice.
A.1: (in a really loud whisper) "SHE'S LYING".
Me: (not whispering at all) I KNOW SHE'S LYING! I'M HUGE!
-----

Me: (to A1) i need you to be my conscience tonight.
A.1: I'm too drunk
Me: thank you, I was hoping you'd say that.
A.2: I'll be your conscience.
Me: No thanks, I'm good with my conscience being hammered.
-----

Me: (waving to strangers (read: drunk chicks) in the diner) (now walking by them) Hey, how's it goin? (to hot girl's friend) how about you? how you doin?
Both Girls: (smiling uncomfortably) (giggle) Fine... you?
A.1: Did you know those girls?
Me: Nope. Not at all. But I think I made them uncomfortable. heh.
-----

Me: (after being hit with a mustard laden fry square betwixt the eyes) Wow, nice toss. that was perfect.
MC: Thanks dude, but you deserved it. you said I was a girl.
Me: no, I said you ran like a girl. either way, nice toss.
A.1: Most guys would get pissed after getting hit in the eye with a mustard fry. you just say, "good toss".
Me: yeah...
-----

end of the night "paper, rock, scissors" score: MC=3 Me=1. yeah, I had to do a shot glass of franks red hot, a two second spray of mustard, and snort a line of sugar (i know, but we were drunk). but he ended up drinking some crazy grape jelly/water/frank's red hot/mustard/A-1/sugar mix when I unleashed my upset (up to that point I was 0 for 3). Yeah, good times last night. good times.

if any of this makes sense in the morning... i will be happy. please post all spelling/grammar corrections to: gofuckyourself@i'm_drunk_and_you're_not.com

24 comments:

joe said...

That.. was.... AWESOME.

Good times. If I wasn't lame, I could have been there.

Eve said...

Hahahahaha. You're that guy! (You know, the "How you doin'" guy.)

Wait, how do you do a shot glass of franks red hot?

Drunken Chud said...

thank you joe. i just remember i kept saying all night, "this is so going on my blog!" and i forgot most of what i wanted to blog. damn it.

eve, yes, yes i am. hehehehe. well, technically since we didn't have a shot glass, we just took the top off the red hot and poured it quite liberally into an empty coffee cup. about two minutes i was wondering why i had heartburn, not i remember...

holy shit, apparently when i'm drunk i like to use parenthesese A LOT.

Kristin said...

I thought you said crazy glue, not crazy grape jelly. I had to re-read it three times before it made sense. And then it still didn't make sense. Ick. :)

Scooter said...

Yay!

Drunken Chud said...

kristin nothing made sense last night. nothing. just random paper rock scissors challenges coming from out of nowehere. apparently, when drunk, i'm not very good.

scooter... not sure what to say to that. so... yay indeed!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

How'd you feel after that line of sugar? Is it a nice pick-me-up?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I just have one more thing to say. I remember how I stumbled upon your page. You commented on a blog, I think it was Steph's, and you had a story about holding in a "snart," when one sneezes and a fart comes the other end. I laughed my ass off.

I used the term snart the other day and got a laugh.

Proper.

Steph said...

LOLZZ, I adore your drunken posts. You gotta do more drunk commenting though. Lift your game Chuddy!!

Drunken Chud said...

dr. ken, it was a decent pick me up. but the drinking of mustard and the hot sauce... bad indigestion. i also referenced the snart the other day. basically cuz i almost did. i was holing in a deuce, getting the mail, dropped some mail and bent over and sneezed... all was almost lost. but alas my tight sphincter muscles plus the desire not to shit myself on my front porch prevailed.

steph, i try not to do too much drunken commenting, cuz... mostly it would be nonsensical, rude, and inflamatory. kinda like my sober posts, but without the filter. but for you... anything.

zen wizard said...

Good one on the waitress.

But on the next hot waitress, try this one for the sake of experiment:

(Patting stomach:) "*Sigh* It's so hard to keep your weight down when you are a food critic for the New York Times!"

(At the very least, your water glasses will stay full for that meal.)

Drunken Chud said...

zen that's actually a pretty good idea. though the place i was at wouldn't care, it's a shitty 24 hour greasy spoon diner. we're talknig a couple notches below denny's. but damn do they have good sausage gravy.

zen wizard said...

As long as "Couple notches down from Denny's" doesn't denigrate into, "Recently cited by the Department of Agriculture" or, "As featured in the latest Eye-team Sting Investigation on Channel 12..."

Stickler said...

Chud, I'm amazed you didn't get a little back of the diner action with that waitress, that was smoother then my shaved chest with oil on it!

Drunken Chud said...

zen, the health department cites this place all the time. hell, when i walk in i can cite at least 5 violations just walking to my table. but the food is so good.

stick, what can i say, i got game.

zen wizard said...

A little E-coli never hurt anybody. In fact, it makes you tougher...

Drunken Chud said...

tell that to the children 'jack in the box' killed, zen. tell that to them! their corpses! you know why you can't? cuz they're dead, and dead people don't listen very well. so... write it down, and pretty soon the mail man will get the letter to them. or lose it. whichever.

Cazzie!!! said...

Hillarious, love your humour, very bloggable events..you oughta write a book mate :)

Scooter said...

If Chud ever made this stuff into a book, Colors will be a little brighter, and food will be a little tastier, for every reader, forever.

Drunken Chud said...

cazzie, how can i write a book? i'm always drinking. though, it worked for hemmingway... you may be on to something.

scooter, are you hitting on me? cuz it's alright if you are. but i don't swing that way.

Scooter said...

Nope, I'm not hitting on you, however, academically, I would have to be pitcher, because otherwise, you would break me like a drunk Hawaiian tourist would break a novelty ukulele.

Drunken Chud said...

drunk hawaiian tourist:novelty ukulele as sumo wrestler:waifish geisha. i prefer the latter to the former in that example. and you scooter, would be my waifish geisha. hehehehe.

Scooter said...

So...

I've got the sling shots, and the water balloons.

You bring the bikini wearing girls.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Fat guy pride!

We're bringin' husky back.