25 November 2007


So, today is my movie review day. why? fuck you that's why.

so Rev and I went to see "Hitman" today. seriously, if you like the games, see the movie. if you know nothing of the games, forget it, you'll be confused, the inside jokes won't make sense, and really the only redeeming thing will be that hot girl's tits. yeah, perfect titties. i wanted to nibble on them for about a month.

anyhow, the movie itself was good, and the elements they took from the games were great. they really took a lot of the best levels (read: the russian levels)and integrated them into the movie. i had to take a piss at one point, which means i missed my two favorite items from the games: the coin and the fiber wire. anyhow, i pissed, the movie ended, things were left unanswered, sequels were alluded to.

now, the afore mentioned Rev loaned me a copy of "Superbad" that is beyond the boundries of legal. it says that is property of sony pictures along the bottom. as far as i'm concerned, best part of the movie. seriously, everyone i knew built this movie up when it was in theaters, i finally see it, and i think i had about three laugh out loud moments. AND i was (am) drunk. there is nothing that occurs in this movie that i haven't seen in some incarnation ni another movie. aside from the period blood dance scene. but really, the movie made not laugh out loud, or in quiet, it made me sigh and wonder where my friends' taste in movies went. really, unless a couple more viewings change my opinion, i would give this movie a derivative 2 out of five. only because there were two fairly original scenes that have garnered it a 2. otherwise it would have earned a negative rating simply due to its' unoriginality. wow. i'm unimpressed.


Scooter said...

You're drunk at 6:44 in the morning on a Sun... oh. You started drinking on Saturday.

I really wish I were into first person shooter games, man. Hitman sounds really good, and it looks beautiful. Damn it.

I knew from the first trailer that the best part of Superbad was the trailer itself. God, I'm smart and jaded.

I really need to get out to Livonia sometime, and drink so much that you find me curled around your toilet. I did that once, three years ago. It's about time to do it again...

Drunken Chud said...

yeah dude, i just re-read the post, and i'm amazed that i actually put this post together with as few typos and grammatical errors as i did. i do remember it taking me a while to type due to the drunk typing equivalent of sluring.

actually hitman is not a first person shooter, it's a third person stealth. i don't even carry guns when i play. except when the disguise i'm wearing calls for it. though, sometimes it is fun to just go a killin' on everyone.

zen wizard said...

Thanks for the warning--

That fat kid was super funny on "Knocked Up," so I thought about renting it on that basis.

By the way your recommendation on "Life Without Dick" was great and I rented that (hard to find--like, buried under a bunch of shit at Blockbuster.)

So there is one thing in the ouevre of Sarah Jessica Parker that you can find funny with a Y-chromosome.

Speaking of Sarah Jessica Parker, how can somebody have such a smokin' hot body and such an unusual face?

I would get "frequent dogstyle" as an addendum in the pre-nup.

There should be a name for this condition, like the Donatella Versace Syndrome.

Anyway, perhaps I should revisit "Sex and the City"--the series did have some merit, like women's proclivity to like gay porn, women's desire to bang a tranny and get "the best of both worlds" (a schlong and a shopping partner who is truly interested and not faking it), etc.

Those are important issues that have hitherto remained undiscussed on basic cable, to the best of my knowledge.

And come to think of it--there would be advantages to having a girlfriend with a hot body and a weird face--most would stem in reduction in competition, reduction in swinging dicks at her job bad-mouthing you to get down her pants, etc.

(In other words, HER weird face would allay--to a degree--the possible rearrangement of YOUR face--from fighting off every swinging dick. The irony does not escape me...)

And she would still have the smokin' body. Does anyone have SJP's phone number? I suspect she is currently in a sham marriage anyway, and I could be the "white knight." (Just kidding--it would involve sharing a condo in NYC. And the resultant lack of affordable parking.)

Drunken Chud said...

yeah, we was funny in knocked up, however when you have a script that rely's on you saying "fuck" or "shit" to accentuate a punchline that isn't there, no amount of comedic timing can bring you back from that. i have no problem with swearing as anyone who has ever spoken to me in person, or read my blog can plainly see. it's not the swearing i have a problem with, it's that they tried to use it as a crutch for non jokes.

i'm glad you liked "life without dick", cuz if you hadn't, then i'd have had to commit ritual suicide. of course, in the middle, i'd have to pause to pay homage to danny boy.

and i'm sorry, but something about sjp's face has always given me a stiffy. especially post rhinoplasty sjp. of course, i've also spent a lot of time around horses, so i have an appreciation for the longer faces. man that sentence is opening me up to a whole host of beastiality comments.

zen wizard said...

I'm just curious--do you get turned on by that Mr. Ed episode where Mae West thinks Mr. Ed is Wilbur's architect partner and keeps calling Mr. Ed on the phone and trying to seduce him into showing up designing her new horse stables?

'Cause I am and I am thinking about forming a support group.

I'm not sure what that has to do with the bangability of Sarah Jessica Parker--maybe there is a correlation; maybe it was just a spurious, unrelated mindfart.

I didn't know there was a pre-and post-rhinoplasty SJP.

I would think I would be more turned on by the pre-rhinoplasty--especially if she had a really goofy Barbra Streisand-thing goin' on. I would think that would be a turn-on--sort of in the "guilty pleasure" way that clown porn is a turn-on.

zen wizard said...

Okay I looked it up, and I am not sure if it is the Seventies porn "I just Frenched an air-conditioner"-look--or the old nose--but pre-rhino SJP gives me more of a Sequoia.

Again--the hair looks like it spent a half hour with Ron Jeremy, a a teasing brush, and a can of industrial-grade mouse; so that is probably part of it.

Let me state that to say that these issues are "highly subjective" would be the understatement of the year.

Drunken Chud said...

yeah, it's harder to see in the front on pictures, you'd have to see a side view to really notice it, but yeah, there's been some work done.

new nose

old nose

also old nose

really old nose

ok, i've just spent 15 minutes searching SJP's noses, and i am strangely aroused. damn her and her sex appeal.

Eve said...

" why? fuck you that's why. "


Steph said...

Well I loved it. Superbad cracked my shit UP. :P

zen wizard said...

Whoa--I have seen less noses in a costume store!

The "also old nose" gives me girthiest chubb--it has that, "I should be whipping the peasants from atop a chariot"-look.

Open forum--

"Which Jennifer Aniston nose is the most bangable?"

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I take Chud's word as the word of the gospel. Therefor, I will not invest 3 bucks to rent that shit movie. I will, instead, spend those 3 dollars and crack cocaine.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I meant to say ON crack not AND crack. Crack fucks with a man's grammar.

So@24 said...

I absolutely loved Hitman. I spent many supposed-to-be-studying-for-this-midterm hours dressing up like a pizza delivery man choking the shit out of some soldier.

I was worried about how the movie would play out. If you say so Drunken Chud, I'll go spend my $8.

Drunken Chud said...

that's how i roll eve.

steph, i think my expectations were way too elevated. it just let me down.

zen... ... ... ... ok, on to ms. aniston, i can honestly say, both noses are equally bangable. seriously, i'd bang her with cyrano's nose.

ken, i'd say spend the money on the rental, if nothing else there are a couple scenes worth the $3. and yes, crack is whack.

So, you'll find yourself saying things like, "oooh, syringe sedative!" or "oooh, syringe poison" or "ooooh, silverballers" unfortunately, my bladder caused me to miss the "oooh coin" and "oooh fiber wire" moments. but it was all fun anyhow.