05 December 2007

boys and guns

Ok, so to recap, I liked a movie, I disliked a movie, then… I went impromptu hunting. We had discussed the possibility of heading il norte, but nothing was concrete. So, at about 1030pm (2230 to my non 12 hour time friends) I headed to the ol’ watering hole where we hashed out the particulars about the coming days and decided to head to the north woods to be glorious hunter/gatherers. We did not kill any woodland dwelling animals, however, were we to classify our brain cells as woodland indigenous, we may have hit paydirt (with kdirt). So more or less, I was reassured why I I don’t have a girlfriend (apparently, they are a fun governor (not like an elected official, but more like a throttle governor)) so I spent the whole time fielding other peoples women folk calls since I had the only dependable phone in camp. Fuck, that. If I ever go again, I am getting certain numbers blocked from my shit. Seriously, fun governors doesn’t even begin to describe this shit. Anyhow, we saw no deer, we got drunk a lot, and we made poor decisions. Here are three very poor decisions. some set up: three of us, 180 acres, some mini propane tanks, a fire, and a rifle:

me, half full propane tank, 30-06. yeah, big boom.

yeah, it came out upside down, not sure why. half full tank, marlin 30-30.

the first one we did with a real rifle. 30-30 at about 30 yards. yeah, we're not smart.

oh yeah, if i waste one more night hitting on a lesbian i am gonna kill somebody. seriously, a whole night wasted at the bar over a woman who would rather munch some carpet, than have me munch hers. seriously, with all the lezzy pron i watch, you'd think i'd be able to key in on this shit. fuckin lezdar is out of whack.

20 comments:

So@24 said...

The ol' lesbian switcheroo. Gets me everytime.

Here's a tried and true trick that's always worked for me.

If any girl talks to me and is engaged in conversation for more than 10 mins, she's a lesbian.

Scooter said...

Hmm...

Chud, do remember the tale of the 14 year old shit head that opened up a propane tank's valve and then, "because I was bored" walked toward it with a lit Zippo in order to find out how close one has to be for a propane tank to blow up, when walking towards it with a lit zippo.

The answer? 15 feet or so. In any event, I am not going to try to reproduce the results of the little moron's experiment.

Eve said...

I'm bad about lezdar too. I don't exactly understand why gay women don't have stereotypical mannerisms/signals. Like freemasons! Except not at all, because it would need to be a public declaration.

That's just rude.

Watching the drunken gun debauchery when I get home.

Steph said...

Maybe she was actually straight and was just pretending to be a Lez to get rid of you :P

Not that I've ever done that. *cough*

Scooter said...

Totally off the wall, but I would bet you that you would win a swearing contest with T-Rex.

Drunken Chud said...

SO, you know, i love lesbos, and you'd think i'd notice, but this chick was just at that level of drunk that it never came out.

scoots, yeah, fuck that. i'm dumb, but i'm not THAT level of dumb.

eve, i hope you weren't disappointed by the videos. and as far as the freemason/lesbo signals, i'm with ya. if this were nazi germany, i would make all lezzies wear a giant V on their shirts. though, i wouldn't run them to concentration camps, more, i would ask them, and pay them handsomly to act in lezzie pron. yeah, i'm a humanitarian.

no steph, she actually was. her girl came up to her all surly like and then they made out, and slipped each other a couple fingers and licked their fingers. so, if they were pretending, they were dedicated.

scoots, yeah, i probably would. but, by the time i'm around, pterodactyl would be immune to said verbal salvos.

zen wizard said...

Clearly, it should be reorganized as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Propane, & Firearms.

#####

There is maybe nothing worse than time wasted hitting on a lezbomb.

It's like being a WWII Nazi and getting sent to the Russian Front.

I mean, give me a battle where I at least stand a fighting chance!

Drunken Chud said...

zen you may be on to something with the BATPF. but seriously, i love lesbians. well, at least the lezzies on my pron. i just wish that some of them had a little more man hate in them so they would they tell you right off the bat that your game is no good cuz we're both playin' for the home team.

zen wizard said...

Maybe it should be, "BAPTF."

Then everyone could say, "Cheese it! It's the BAP's!"

###

Lezbombs used to drop these little code phrases when they were talking to you. Like, "Hello, my name is Camille Paglia!" Or, "I just love flannel shirts. Don't you??"

Then, they figured out that both their misandry and their bar tab would be better served by making polite conversation with the unsuspecting male, drinking the proffered two rounds, and then dropping the hammer with the revelation that they bat for the Mohawk Carpets Softball Team.

Plus, I would imagine that chatting with a dude makes their girlfriend jealous and leads to some great clam-diving-cum-fist-fuck make-up sex.

Drunken Chud said...

luckily, she had a drink, and i didn't buy her any. though, in watching her girlfriend who was surrounded by menfolk doting on her and buying her drinks, i can clearly see how she was using her feminine wiles to glean free beverages. damn women. how great must it be to have a vagina. seriously. get whatever you want whenever you want. dammit.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

After striking out with a lesbian, nothing helps you get your aggression out quite like shooting a propane tank.

Hey, nice Ford Fairlane reference. I'm not ashamed to say I like that movie. I make all my girlfriends change the light bulbs with half-shirts, and I have that movie to thank for it.

Drunken Chud said...

i'm just thankful someone actually picked up on the reference. i mean, it was a quick aside but i mean... i can't kill a koala to make that statement.

So@24 said...

Chudsy, Chudsy...

It's right here:

http://confessionsofabottleblonde.blogspot.com/2007/09/objects-in-bra-are-smaller-than-they.html

Don't ever say I never did anything for you.

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

I am hoping the lesbian was a lipstick lesbian and not a limberjack lesbian. I'm just sayin', if she was lumberjack lesbian you might want to get your eyes checked.

Drunken Chud said...

they were both lipstick. she wasn't stunning. but i was drunk and really didn't care. heh.

Scooter said...

"But I was drunk and I didn't really care".

"So, I wondered where my buddies had gotten the telegraph pole to burn in the bonfire, but I was drunk, and didn't really care."

"So, there we were, naked in an alley, slathered in sauerkraut, with barbie dolls strategically placed on our genitalia. I was intrigued as to how I could find myself at this point, but I was drunk, and didn't really care."

"So, I was stuck in a corner listening to an actuary tell me about how he calculated the life span of a 47 year old dietician from Pacoima, and all I rally wanted to do was stab the guy in the face with a swizzle stick. But, I was drunk, and didn't really care."

Chud, you are a muse.

Drunken Chud said...

i'm glad to help scoots. sometimes, i can't help the magic that comes out of my mouth.

Eve said...

They sure did blow up. Looks like fun.

Drunken Chud said...

eve, you have no idea. seriously. we were about 20-30 yards from the boom. pace that off in your living room/hallway/whatever and realize that yeah... we're dumb.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

What else is new with The Chud besides shooting stuff? Maybe you should just play the game with the fake rope and the cars. It seems safer . . .