14 May 2008

ECHO!!! echo...

So, it’s been quite some time since I posted last… yeah, sorry ‘bout that. It’s not that I haven’t had plenty of material to post, or the desire, I’ve just been drunk. Well mostly drunk, mostly lazy, completely highly unmotivated. Plenty of people have given me tons ‘o’ blog fodder, I have just lazed around like the shiftless layabout that I am and let it all pass by. Then I noticed that Kristin tagged me to talk about 6 completely unremarkable things about myself. This was perfect, now all the blog posts I had swirling around my head I can now truncate and put into one list post. WOOOOOHOOOOOO! So go get your bubblegum and hold on to your potatoes cuz here we go.

1. I play a lot of video games. Actually, that statement could be taken wrong, I play video games a lot. I usually find one I like and ride it till it dies. For the past several months this has been Call of Duty 4. I play it online with friends and family, so we tend to roll deep. Anyhow, it being the World Wide Web and all we play with a lot of foreigners. In general I like foreigners, except the ones I don’t. Up until playing this game I used to like the British. Now as soon as I hear one of those limey bastards talk I pray to god that they are on the other team so I can kick their snobbish asses. Here’s the thing I learned from the Brits: The U.S. has never won a war against Britain. In fact the ONLY reason we won the revolutionary war was thanks to the French. So when you ask them if they’ve ever lost a war to the French, the answer is also no. Oh, and they don’t even acknowledge the war of 1812. ALSO, the Brits had WWI and WWII completely under control by the time we came in, and thus we weren’t needed. You can try to reason with them by asking such things as, “So, when the Luftwaffe was turning London into rubble during the Blitz and Churchill was on the phone with Roosevelt begging for our help… that was you guys having under control?” the answer you will get is something about the Blitz never happening or it not being “that bad”. Anyway, my new goal is to convince the UK to back the Pound by sterling silver again and then I want to find an enormous silver deposit somewhere so I can flood the market with silver and this completely devalue the pound sterling. Yeah, I’m an evil genius. Or not.

2. My Buddy Rev and I used to run a website with another buddy of ours named Navy. This website used to feature local bands and the like. Anyhow, after Navy started making the beast with two backs with Rev’s on again off again Weird Al look alike girlfriend, a rift was born. I was away at college and those two weren’t talking to each other and I cared not. So Rev was still toiling away with the website when I came home and he had booked a radio gig through a friend of his. He tells me of the show and I told him that I in fact would tune and let him know how much of a douchenozzle he came across as. The topic of conversation on the show switched to “things that used to be cool on MTV” so I figured I’d call in and talk about two of my favorite things from back in the day; Headbangers Ball, and the old Dennis Leary Commercials about Cindy Crawford. When the phone screener answered I recognized the voice and the name of a kid I used to hang out with every day in high school. We (Rev, the Screener, and I) were all good friends back then, so I have him put my name up on the screens as “Navy, still humping rev’s ex”. While on hold you get to listen to the show and then there was a pause, and the host said to Rev, “dude, take a look at line three… you wanna take it?” to which Rev replied “bring it”. So I tried to do my best Navy impression and let out a “dude”. I could hear the tension in Rev’s voice as I tried to keep up the impression and then he realized it was me and the jig was up. But I had my 10 seconds of glory on live radio. Told you. Unremarkable.

3. A kid I grew up with has this girlfriend. She is hilarious and loves to toast, I like to call her “cheers”. The other thing she does is use me as a jungle gym. Seriously, her and her sister love to just climb all over me. If I pick up my beer, I must pick one of them up too. Anyway, her boyfriend’s brother was at the bar, and he and I were fucking around like we always do, and he decided to try to pick my up. I assured him this feat would land him in the hospital with herniated discs and the like. He tried his damndest but just could lift my tank ass up. So I turned around and picked his ass up into a fireman’s carry. Well, as soon as Cheers saw this she wanted in on the action. First she tried to lift me, then I put her into the fireman’s carry. Then, upon insistence from others around me and with my buddy spotting me, I pressed her. Man, alcohol makes feats of strength that much more fun.

4. My mom Tivo’s Oprah everyday. When I’m home, and she’s home, she likes to watch it. I hate Oprah with a passion. Seriously, I think she is 100% fake and completely insincere and doesn’t know how to emote. Anyhow, all this aside, I tend to hear the things being said on TV while I’m sitting in my chair playing on the laptop. This is a huge problem for me, as I have caught myself many times starting a sentence of with, “well, that’s not completely true, I mean, there are Oprah episodes dedicated to that.” Or “I just saw something about that on Oprah.” And right now as we speak she just walked in and turned on Oprah and the topic is polygamy. I need to go to work.

5. I like to Tivo the show “the universe”. It’s an awesome and educational show. Seriously, I recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in the world around us, and the worlds around that. However, sometimes I cannot wrap my brain around the way they bandy certain things about as fact. They can surmise things, and hypothesize, and even be pretty sure about things. When when something is so far away that it is barely visible I submit that you cannot tell me all of the properties of said object having never been able to examine it. I understand there is a lot of math, and science that goes into it… but seriously, you cannot tell me the composition of a planet as a fact just by observing a gray speck on some film. I take issue with that. You can say, “we assume it to be X” not, “it IS X”. still though, great show.

6. I am now ½ hour late for work. By the time I get to work, I’ll be 45 minutes late. No one will care. I like my job.

So, there you have it. Unremarkability and all.

20 comments:

Rev said...

Nice.

I had two flashbacks...one was the obvious.

The second was fireman carrying you at Chatter's....which is fairly impressive considering our size difference.

Anyhow. Yeah. Good day.

Kristin said...

Thanks for playing. I enjoyed the truncated, list post way more than I enjoy Oprah. I'm not a fan.

Drunken Chud said...

rev, i forgot about that. didn't my pants rip exposing my balls to the world at large? i seem to remember this. i was being carried, then... a nice cool breeze on the undercarriage.

kristin, i could dedicate several entire posts as to why i hate that woman. glad to see she hasn't suckered in everyone with a double X chromosome.

Scooter said...

Whoo! Always an entertaining read, dude. So, I need to introduce you and Rev to my girlfriend...

I realize the danger in this. In any event, I am thinking of dropping in on the Bench pub one of these Wednesdays.

I think you'd like Kim.

Kezza said...

Wow man, you're right... totally unremarkable, and yet strangely good clean fun the whole family can enjoy... Or something like that.

Oprah is like some hideously contageous disease, why can't people see that.

Oh, and I want your job!

Drunken Chud said...

scooter, there are dangers. and wenesdays are not good since i work till sometime around closing. but mon, tue, thu, are all good. just sayin.

kezza, totally G rated for the whole family. it's like bambi... only drunker. and cheers to hating oprah.

Anonymous said...

So i was going through old memories and decided to check out what new ones your making for yourself....looks like your doing just fine....kisses for my lover

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sounds like you've been out of the blogging world for good reasons, like video games and Oprah.

Now, if you came across Oprah and a Limey in the video game universe, whom would you light up first?

Zen Wizard said...

Rev and Navy appear to be like an Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr of the 21st Century.

Only with less capital...and less media influence...and less benevolent patriarchichal political aspirations...and less historical impact...and...wait, that metaphor really sucks...

Drunken Chud said...

anon... or should i say danal? the memories aren't the same without you and your d's. just sayin.

ken, sorry i never got back to you in e-mail. i ended up not making the chicago trip due to not making my flight after my cruise. which i'll post that story later. anyhow, to answer your question oprah. seriously, she'd be the only one i would shoot at/stab/'nade. seriously. i hate that woman.

zen... they're more like the guys on a lifetime movie of the week. Rev would be the hard drinking layabout husband to some fat chick with no self esteem that eventually gets empowered and leaves and he spirals downward. while navy would be the split personality, recovering addict (not recovering too well), with high male pattern baldness at age 23, an ex wife that he claims is dead (but isn't) and two imaginary kids. who seduces said fat girl and empowers her to leave the layabout. then she ends up turning tricks while they live in a seedy motel for 6 months. ahhh... yes. classy.

Zen Wizard said...

That is really sad--that sale this weekend at Old Navy doesn't seem so appealing now...

Drunken Chud said...

sales at old navy appeal to you? just cuz it has OLD in the name doesn't mean what you think it means. heh.

couldn't pass that one up. it was a nerf toss from the gods.

Zen Wizard said...

"Young Navy" would sound way gayer.

I admit, "Middle Aged Navy" would have been the best name.

My marketing degree notwithstanding, I was not consulted.

(How come there is not a "Salvation Navy"?)

Drunken Chud said...

i think the reason for there not being a salvation navy is due in large part to the idea that people on cruise ships and freighters and naval war ships don't need second hand clothing and couches on the cheap. i mean, this could very well be an untapped resource, but... i'm thinking someone probably tried and failed.

Zen Wizard said...

Tell that to the toothless Limeys on the Santa Monica Pier that always used to tell me they were a sailor and they got stranded in Santa Monica and they need some money for beer.

Those guys are really a pain in the @$$!

We need a Salvation Navy for displaced Limey sailors, if you ask me--to give them some clean clothes and a one-way ticket back to England!

(I never could figure out what was up with those dudes, and the possibility that they were talking with a fake British accent while panhandling did not escape me.)

So@24 said...

Goddammit Chud! You aren't supposed to read my blog!

You know my rule. Bloggers that are funnier than me aren't allowed.

Stickler said...

Chud that was hilarious. I also dabble in the video games from time to time, currently playing the GTA4, but I can't get past shooting cops!

Your post made me want to come back into the writing game as well!

Drunken Chud said...

zen, i'm actually pretty sure they were faking the accent. at least, i hope they were cuz that really ups the ante in the panhandeling game. you need dedication like that if you're gonna be a beggar.

So... oh stop. no you're funnier. no you are. no... quit it you are... oh ok, i am.

stick, i just got gta4 and i still haven't played it. i don't know why. and you should post. i haven't had any good stickler drinking games to talk about lately.

Zen Wizard said...

When I was there, which was eons ago, the panhandlers in Santa Monica had to have a "schtick" or I think by some unspoken rule they were exiled to Venice Beach...

The British accent was a popular schtick, as well as suspect claims that one was an ex-Marine...

The ex-Marine schtick required, of course, a recent haircut and teeth good enough to suggest that one had at one time been the recipient of Uncle Sam's dental largesse at some point in believable history--possibly during Operation Urgent Fury and the recapture of Grenada??

The British accent schtick would of course require the ability to affect a plausible British accent.

I would assume that a halfway credible "backstory" would assist in fundraising--if the quasi-Brit could do the very difficult Liverpool accent, for instance, he could spin the yarn that he in some way "got the Beatles their start," if he is horridly old--a younger aspirant could claim he, "helped get A Flock of Seagulls their start."

If one was totally shameless and could only do the easily-attained, Londoner-cum-time-in-America accent (which I realize mainly entails talking like a snooty gay guy with a Liberal Arts degree), I guess he could claim that he "helped get Andrew Lloyd Webber his start."

This latter technique might result in the spare change being THROWN at the panhandler, however: Especially if, like me, the target panhandlee had spent good money on two tickets to, "The Phantom of the Opera."

Stickler said...

Chud, those will come soon. Like the story about my friends without any cups in the middle of nowhere Joshua Tree national park, cut 12 beer cans in half and played beer pong with rocks! It was a pretty dirty game I heard.