20 January 2007

Ha! I got you good fucker!

The last words I said to my brother as I left were, "Don't lock me out, I don't have any keys". To which the reply was, "I'll be here all night, don't worry". Famous last words. get off work at 2:50am and walk up to the door only to find it locked. No bigs yo, he just forgot and now I’ll knock. Hmm... knocking didn't work, I'll call his cell. No dice there, I'll call the house phone. Odd, he's not answering that either. Walk around the back of the house see if the doorwall is unlocked, maybe he's just fuckin with me. Nope, locked, but hey! What is that I see sleeping on the couch? My passed out drunk brother. So I begin the door banging. And by banging, I mean, BANGING. It sounded like world war 3 with my fists and the metal door. I was pounding on the window above his head, I was pounding on the doorwall, I was pounding on the door for 30 seconds straight that I actually woke a neighbor. So I start calling anyone with a key, and no one answered. Damn them, damn them to hell. So, sitting in the balmy 16*F heat, I decided to start a frantic search for any lost keys that I may or may not have forgot about. In a fit of cold, I kicked our recycling bin (don't knock it, it's fun) which in turn slammed into our bottle return bin which jumped over about a foot, and there, all rusty and gooey from slush and garage bullshit was a set of spare keys I had lost about 3 or so years ago. I was semi relieved, yet, skeptical at the same time since we'd had the house re-keyed in the last 5 years and I'm not sure of the timeline from when the house was re-keyed and when I last used that set. I wiped them off, grabbed a wire brush and scrubbed them off, and stuck it in the lock. The fucker worked. I walked up to El Passo Outo Drunko and smacked him. Nothing, not even a blink. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I felt he needed shamed







This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps!

******UPDATE!!******
4:45am
He just woke up, got some juice, went into the bathroom with big mirrors, and noticed nothing. I love my life.

19 comments:

joe said...

Fucking awesome.

Scooter said...

Damn. Seeing as I live in the exurbs, as it were, I don't even know where our housekeys ARE...

Kristin said...

So glad that you found a set of keys 'cause that's just awesome. And, you know, you didn't end up freezing to death.

Scooter said...

Chud would never freeze to death. He's too fucking stubborn.

Drunken Chud said...

joe, the best was this morninoon when he was putting on his jacket, he found my normal set of keys that i couldn't find, IN HIS COAT POCKET.

scooter i'm with you man. i never lock doors. saves me the hassle of having to fix anything when someone does break in.

i'm glad i did too kristin, otherwise i'd be replacing a door jamb right now.

scooter... you are correct sir!

Anonymous said...

What is it with people passing out at your house and not even flinching while being slapped?

Hah.

I love the pen-is on his mouth. Nice touch.

=D
MC

Steph said...

You evil bastard you crack me up!
P.S your brother is kinda cute, even with a dick going in his mouth!

Aaron said...

Hey...that couch looks familiar.

Drunken Chud said...

thank you spic. thank you.

well, i'll send him to OZ. warning, he's a belligerant drunk.

AJ, did you ever sleep on my parents couch? most people did at one point.

Zen Wizard said...

I am picking up on a distinct fixation with writing on passed out guys, here.

Zen Wizard said...

Have you ever thought about being a mortician?

You would get to put make-up on PERMANENTLY passed out people all day.

Chuck said...

hehe that is some good shit there, i bet he forgets agin.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

good looking veins on that peen too!

Aaron said...

hmm, I thought the couch looked like the one that was in Cogley and Craig's room. I never visited your digs in Detroit.

Drunken Chud said...

zen, i didn't write on the guy at the wings game. that was some chick.

and zen, no, i'm not all about being a mortician. though, it could be fun. heh.

chuck, i don't think he'll be forgetting anytime soon. w00t to assholishness!

ken, i thought so too. i mean, what's a characature or a peen without some veiny veins.

oddly... it does look like craigs. though, don't mention that to craig since he hates bulldog cuz he and a frat brother ran a train on missa.

Scooter said...

Who is this Missa, and do trains run regularly for her?

Drunken Chud said...

one of my really good friends from college. and as far as i know, that was her only train. though, she does claim that she may have been drugged. not roofies, but X. either way, i could care less, do what feels good. HEDONISM MAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Upsidedown face said...

Do you specialize in body art? What's your fee? I'm thinking of having some work done!! :)

Drunken Chud said...

for you? my fee is a case of beer. which i will drink from before performing my artistry. yeah, i'm a rockstar like that.