08 January 2007

Oh myspace, you constant source of inspiration.

I know i've done this before, but, this one is just so gay i had to post it. i found this in my bulletins a minute ago. i laughed, so i think i'll break it down so you can see how stupid it is. 

Every girl dreams that one day, she will find a boy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have THE BIGGEST impact in someone's life.

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

ok, this one i'll give you. i've lost more t-shirts to this than anything else. wait, no, fuck that. i miss those t-shirts. get your own goddamn shirt to sleep in.

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT NOTES

why? cuz i'm gay? nothing i do is cute. i'm a dude. if you want cute, date a girl.

KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.

i'll fuck her in front of my friends if she'd let me. how is this one important?

TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.

trust is earned. i've known most of my friends longer than i've known any girl i've dated. guess who gets the better end of the trust deal?

TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.

why would i date an ugly bitch? and on top of that, what if she isn't exactly looking beautiful? if she's sick, and red faced with ratty hair in purple mumu... guess what, i'm not gonna lie.

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.

i will when she stops wearing plunging necklines.

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.

i shave my head, so... mess away creepy hair doll maker.

MESS WITH HER HAIR.

why?

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.

is she a girlfriend or a fucking dog? jesus christ. you want me to wipe your feet off when you come in from the rain too?

F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES!!!!

and not bring it up in every fight from that point thereafter?  that door swings both ways.

L00K AT HER LIKE SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.

this is one is just dumb. and it makes no sense to me.

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.

riiiight. that's a precedent you want set.

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.

hand holding? HAND HOLDING? this is an issue? ooooh, i held her hand. maybe tonight i'll get to first base! fuck that.

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.

what if i don't love her? and for that matter, why should allow her to verbally abuse me? that's bunk.

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS

why? so my arm can fall asleep, sting like a bitch, and then i practically smack myself in the face as i'm trying to get feeling back while reaching for the remote so i can change the channel from whatever shitty chick flick you had me watching in the hopes i may be getting my dick wet later, and now that you're asleep i see that's not gonna happen. so, caddyshack is on, and i'm gonna watch it. bitch.

********GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.**********

yeah, cuz that works.

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.

haha! doody head! fart breath! whatever. unless you're talking about the good teasing. then... ok.

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.

why? so i can be worthless at work? fuck that. i want my nights sleep. THE MEDICINE DOESN'T BUY ITSELF!

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER

 no. women have HORRIBLE taste in movies. since most won't watch my favorite movies with me, why should i suffer? you can watch beaches, or the notebook, or steel magnolias, or fried green tomatoes or the best little whorehouse in texas all by your lonesome.

KISS HER F0REHEAD.

rather kiss her lips. but, whatever.

GIVE HER THE W0RLD.

pretty sure there's hundreds of countries that would stand in my way of creating a global ruler.

WRITE HER LETTERS.

and pay for a stamp? should i write a thank you letter after every time we have sex? would this be acceptable to you? so far this whole list is "me me me me me".

LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES

i make sure not to date girls that my clothes would fit. that = teh unsexy.

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.

not if i've already got plans. sorry you've created some drama, but i'm goin out. peace.

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.

what if she's not? what if she is the low man on all totem poles? ever think of that?

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.

sure. as long as i can do the same.

KISS HER IN THE RAIN.

i'll fuckin kiss her in a blizzard, in a sewer. again, how does this one matter?

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no, i think i'll keep it a secret. maybe leave a couple riddles lying around for her to solve, maybe she'll figure it out in time.

AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.

what if i loved before and sucked at it, and needed to learn lessons from that? should i just throw out those lessons as though i'd never loved before? teenage girls are dumb. and the shit they write is equally so.



17 comments:

Scooter said...

What the hell? All of our friends are in their twenties or older. Who the hell sent you this piece of raw sewage?

Kristin said...

I think I'd run screaming from a guy who tried any of that advice.

Drunken Chud said...

scooter, this 35yr old chick named connie i knew through Nikki. don't worry, she's no longer on my friends list. OH SNAP! SHE GOT UN MYSPACE FRIENDED! how low. how truly low.

krisin, that's because you're not 12. even though it was sent to me by a 35 yr old. wait, which advice? mine or the teenage grrl who wrote that?

Kristin said...

The teenage girl! You make sense.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Tickle even when she says stop? Make her mad and then kiss her? Fellas, be warned, This is what ONE demented chick wants, not all chicks.

Drunken Chud said...

just checkin' k.

yeah, ken, the tickle her even when she says stop... that's a slippery slope nobody wants to start down. "hey baby, wanna have sex?" "no." "ahh well, i'm gonna anyhow." "stop!" "hahahahaha, you always say that when you want me to keep going." heh.

Rev said...

Ugh to the demented chicks.

Seriously, about the 'give her a tshirt" shit....Don't start that. Then you end up giving up comfortable flannel shirts. Trust me, lost too many to count.

Heh. I'm still reeling over one from a decade ago. I loved that shirt.

Drunken Chud said...

seriously dude, i have lost a ton of concert tees and a bunch of really comfortable t-shirts. though, sometimes giving her a t-shirt that doesn't/hasn't ever fit you is always good. but still... slippery slope, unless you get a bra or panties in trade, no t-shirt.

Zen Wizard said...

This is some funny shit.

Obviously, a woman or the biggest mamma's boy that ever walked the face of the earth wrote these.

She can have my T-shirt that says "Seattle Seahawks," but I will be damned if she gets the T-shirt that says, "I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll have a look" or the T-shirt that says, "North Carolina: We Like Being on Top" and then has a picture of North Carolina over South Carolina--until she performs some acts that would technically be illegal in 32 states.

That "Look at her like she's the only woman in the room" has room for negotiation--since one of the rules is also, "Make sure she has the best view of the restaurant."

I usually get seated in the corner next to the kitchen, and the waiter is usually a gay guy, so if there is not a picture of a hot woman on the wall in the corner of the restaurant--or, I guess, a mirror--I have to do this one anyway...This brings up an important trick: You will almost never get busted for checking out another woman in a mirror. Well, unless you both start making goo goo eyes at each other and licking your lips...

Velvet said...

I don't get the lower case o. Really don't get it.

Drunken Chud said...

very true zen, mirrors are helpful, that's why i wear sunglasses with mirrored lenses so that when i set them on a table, i get ass shots all day long.

velvet, i was going to address that, but i found that to be the least annoying thing in the whole memo.

You know it's me said...

I'm taking this shit and posting it on.....you guessed it MYSPACE although i'm pretty myspaced out at the present moment, but hey whatever

Stepho said...

Oh my goodness, I feel so bad about myself I need my big strong older 18 year old boyfriend to make me feel SPECIAL! Let's hold hands in the rain!
xoxox lolz.

Drunken Chud said...

yay reposting a myspace bashing post on myspace. wow, that was a lot of repetitive wordplay. way to be danal.

stepho, you know you want to. maybe a long walk on the beach with his varsity jacket and then for your first time, there'll be candles and fluffy pillows, and champagne in a beautiful hotel room after dinner at sizzler.

Mark said...

Damn, now I want to go to a steak house and then watch some barely legal teen porn...

joe said...

http://pics.livejournal.com/ckline/pic/0000w6he
that is all.

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

hmm...teenage girls brains are soaked with clearasil.

forgive us. we grow up and get some sense ;)