Grease and a pointy stick

So last night was fun times. I recently joined a Tuesday night dart league simply for something to do on tuesday nights. Much like my bowling league, this is really just a drinking league. You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think drinking while doing either is a wise decision. You can do a lot of damage with a bowling ball and three darts. I'm not talking about these silly "soft tip" darts, I'm talking heavy as shit, sharpened before each game steel tips. I mean, really, someone get's drunk and angry in either "sport" and shit can go bad quick. Anyhow, on a side note, my dart league is a travelling league. This is actually kinda rad cuz we get to schlep around to other bars I wouldn't necessarily go to for no other reason than I didn't know they were there. Last night were in Royal Oak. This matters not, it was the trip out to the Oak that made me happy. As many of you know, I love pirates. Tis true matey. But the only thing I love as much as pirates are spies. On the way out I saw a spy shop. This made me very happy. Just as I was announcing my happiness... ANOTHER SPY STORE! I was like a kid in a titty bar. I was too excited to speak and had too many ideas to be coherent. I had decided that we needed to go to the spy stores, get all the equipment we need (including rope) and break into a consulate just because we could. I had but one mandate, I was to be the one to crawl through the ventilation ducts no matter how better suited the other three were for the job. let's just say I was with three very skinny people ranging in height from 5'2"-6'. It was then pointed out that the only way I'm making it through the vents is with about 30lbs of grease and being poked with a sharp stick. Bastards, using logic and spacial relations and physics and shit. It was then suggested we break into the spy shop, which I shot down since, well you need the spy gear to circumvent the spy shop's spy shit. Of course I stated my desire to be a pirate spy, or spy pirate, whichever sounded better. I was told this is not a viable career. I explained the only reason they thought so was because no one has ever heard of it, because in order to be a pirate spy, you have to be the best at both. And one had never been caught. But they exist my friends. They exist.

Anyhow, the moral of this whole story (Chud, there is no way to derive a moral from this) is that when you return to your home bar and have a "few" more beers, and some shots with the owner and win a couple of games people start to do stupid shit. For example, throwing darts at people's feet. While this is generally accepted practice during a dart game you are usually aiming away from the foot. She was aiming AT feet. No big deal. Then... it happened. In my defense, I had 9 darts and the previous 8 were beautifully grouped and just close enough to make you make you wince. then, I threw the 9th dart.



Woops. Guess I should've stopped at 8.

Call the FDA, and the Nobel committee, I've discovered a miracle.

Well, not really. My shit ass shoulder has been hurting like a mofo all day and I've been thinking about cutting it off. However I have managed to get it from being a serious distraction type of pain, to a dull, almost forgettable yet irksome ache. How have I achieved such success you ask? simple: 4 motrin (safer on a heavy drinker's liver), a 40 and 1/2 of Labatt Blue, and some Ben Gay. Yeah, you too could something something. Sorry, not really in the mindset to blog right now. I think the Motrin and the Blue are mixing with the Ben Gay smell to fuck with my head. I kinda like it. So, now you get some links. both, are EXTREMELY worth watching.
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Mr. Belding, Tony Romo, an 80's cover band, and Journey's "don't stop believin'" for the record, Tony Romo can carry a tune better than I. Think about THAT next time I suggest Karaoke.

French Military + Shoulder fired anti tank missile + Murphy = I think it might behoove you to surrender.

Unhealthy?

Is it bad that I have a seriously unhealthy obsession with Marlee Matlin? I don't know what it is. It could be the deaf slur, her serious hotness, or the ability to swear at her at her in anger with my back turned to her and have her be none the wiser... I just don't know. All I do know is that when I hear her name I look, and watch. In fact I actually watched an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition just because she was on it. I can't stand the show. the show is tripe, drivel, and feelgood crap based on some intangible that allows someone to be given a leg up over someone else as deserving though neither is willing to work for it. ANYHOW, back to Marlee. I actually took ASL for a semester in college just in case I got the chance to pick Marlee up at the bar. You know, I could sign her my name and "where is the bathroom" and she'd swoon. I. Need. Help. 

Attention everyone!

I have solved all the world's problems. no need to continue to argue or debate. apparently all you need is nuclear power, wave power technology, a re-education of global politics to the proletariat, the dissolution of the UAW and a predominantly libertarian viewpoint. also, jack bauer has to be allowed to act with complete autonomy. cuz, let's face it. in the clutch when he's yelling "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" you get that warm blanket feeling.

anyhow, the other night for superbowl sunday i ended up at a friend's house. she was having a couple friends over and one of these wonderful friends felt that she owed it to me to shake hands with my penis. let me tell you that in no uncertain terms, i enjoyed this greatly. so, since i have nothing else to add to this, you get pictures of shit we wrote on the local bar while it is undergoing renovations.


awww, amanda hearts me, and i heart her.


what's this? i heart julie? whatever will amanda think? shhh... don't tell either.


yeah, i was too drunk to write that, so thanks to erika for doing so.


hehehehehe, yeah, i kinda do.


kinda out of focus, but it says "rob d has a huge p". while this is fiction, i will accept it as fact.

 
originally i had written "Rob & Pussy" in a heart. Jen decided that my well spaced writing deserved some fucking with, so a "t" was added before the "y" and she turned the P into an R, yeah...


FUCK RUSSTY! russty:pussy as mapplethorpe:straight

damn you russty!!!

you need a fact checker.

I was trying to fall asleep about 15 minutes ago and I had Fox News on in the background. Neil Cavuto was chatting with some Evangelical minister guy who was trying to "take back" the word "evangelical" so it doesn't have the whackadoo connotation it has now. Whatever, have fun, knock yourself out, everyone's got to have something to believe in, good luck to ya. Then it happened. Minister guy, in response to a statement about too many religious people in politics, went on to say that separation of church and state was not in the constitution or in the bill of rights and that it was merely a letter that Jefferson once wrote. Let's take a look at the First Amendment to U.S. Constitution shall we?

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Huh... not in the constitution eh? So, because in one letter from Jefferson to Madison he used the phrase "...thus building a wall of separation between Church and State." This somehow invalidates the separation? How about this: Madison was HUGE into keeping the two separate. Hey, guess what Madison was the primary drafter of? THE BILL OF RIGHTS. Let's see what he has to say about the issue shall we? "Strongly guarded . . . is the separation between religion and government in the Constitution of the United States... practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government as essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States" (1811 letter to Baptist Churches). So, because the exact phrase isn't in the constitution this means you can try to permeate the government? I think the founding fathers would wag their finger at you. For shame. For shame!

Ha! I got you good fucker!

The last words I said to my brother as I left were, "Don't lock me out, I don't have any keys". To which the reply was, "I'll be here all night, don't worry". Famous last words. get off work at 2:50am and walk up to the door only to find it locked. No bigs yo, he just forgot and now I’ll knock. Hmm... knocking didn't work, I'll call his cell. No dice there, I'll call the house phone. Odd, he's not answering that either. Walk around the back of the house see if the doorwall is unlocked, maybe he's just fuckin with me. Nope, locked, but hey! What is that I see sleeping on the couch? My passed out drunk brother. So I begin the door banging. And by banging, I mean, BANGING. It sounded like world war 3 with my fists and the metal door. I was pounding on the window above his head, I was pounding on the doorwall, I was pounding on the door for 30 seconds straight that I actually woke a neighbor. So I start calling anyone with a key, and no one answered. Damn them, damn them to hell. So, sitting in the balmy 16*F heat, I decided to start a frantic search for any lost keys that I may or may not have forgot about. In a fit of cold, I kicked our recycling bin (don't knock it, it's fun) which in turn slammed into our bottle return bin which jumped over about a foot, and there, all rusty and gooey from slush and garage bullshit was a set of spare keys I had lost about 3 or so years ago. I was semi relieved, yet, skeptical at the same time since we'd had the house re-keyed in the last 5 years and I'm not sure of the timeline from when the house was re-keyed and when I last used that set. I wiped them off, grabbed a wire brush and scrubbed them off, and stuck it in the lock. The fucker worked. I walked up to El Passo Outo Drunko and smacked him. Nothing, not even a blink. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I felt he needed shamed







This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps!

******UPDATE!!******
4:45am
He just woke up, got some juice, went into the bathroom with big mirrors, and noticed nothing. I love my life.

Note to self:

Don't ever try to explain to two drunk off duty cops the difference between "suspicion" and "probable cause". apparently, they're too retarded and too brainwashed to understand the intricacies of civil liberties. ha! the greatest is when they try to say, "we do this every day... yada yada yada..." and you fire back, "yeah, and how many of those bogus stops actually stick?" oddly shady cops get silent after that. oh, and when they tell you constantly to shut up and let them finish, and you laugh at them and tell them they should have finished 20 sentences ago when they actually had a point, they don't like that either. fuck them. just like unions, being a cop rots your brain. i will not mourn you, dirty cop.

in case you couldn't tell, i am drunk, and Detroit PD can kiss my ass. i'd much rather hang with Detroit FD. those mofo's can drink and never give you shit. plus, if you're on fire, they'll not only put you out, they'll run into a flaming building to put you out. cops? yeah, they'll write you a 5 over ticket when you're late. gee, wonder which i like more.

Oh myspace, you constant source of inspiration.

I know i've done this before, but, this one is just so gay i had to post it. i found this in my bulletins a minute ago. i laughed, so i think i'll break it down so you can see how stupid it is. 

Every girl dreams that one day, she will find a boy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have THE BIGGEST impact in someone's life.

GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

ok, this one i'll give you. i've lost more t-shirts to this than anything else. wait, no, fuck that. i miss those t-shirts. get your own goddamn shirt to sleep in.

LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT NOTES

why? cuz i'm gay? nothing i do is cute. i'm a dude. if you want cute, date a girl.

KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.

i'll fuck her in front of my friends if she'd let me. how is this one important?

TRUST HER 0VER EVERY0NE ELSE.

trust is earned. i've known most of my friends longer than i've known any girl i've dated. guess who gets the better end of the trust deal?

TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.

why would i date an ugly bitch? and on top of that, what if she isn't exactly looking beautiful? if she's sick, and red faced with ratty hair in purple mumu... guess what, i'm not gonna lie.

L00K HER IN THE EYE WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.

i will when she stops wearing plunging necklines.

LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.

i shave my head, so... mess away creepy hair doll maker.

MESS WITH HER HAIR.

why?

JUST WALK AR0UND WITH HER.

is she a girlfriend or a fucking dog? jesus christ. you want me to wipe your feet off when you come in from the rain too?

F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES!!!!

and not bring it up in every fight from that point thereafter?  that door swings both ways.

L00K AT HER LIKE SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.

this is one is just dumb. and it makes no sense to me.

TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.

riiiight. that's a precedent you want set.

H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.

hand holding? HAND HOLDING? this is an issue? ooooh, i held her hand. maybe tonight i'll get to first base! fuck that.

WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.

what if i don't love her? and for that matter, why should allow her to verbally abuse me? that's bunk.

LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS

why? so my arm can fall asleep, sting like a bitch, and then i practically smack myself in the face as i'm trying to get feeling back while reaching for the remote so i can change the channel from whatever shitty chick flick you had me watching in the hopes i may be getting my dick wet later, and now that you're asleep i see that's not gonna happen. so, caddyshack is on, and i'm gonna watch it. bitch.

********GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.**********

yeah, cuz that works.

TEASE HER & LET HER TEASE Y0U BACK.

haha! doody head! fart breath! whatever. unless you're talking about the good teasing. then... ok.

STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.

why? so i can be worthless at work? fuck that. i want my nights sleep. THE MEDICINE DOESN'T BUY ITSELF!

WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER

 no. women have HORRIBLE taste in movies. since most won't watch my favorite movies with me, why should i suffer? you can watch beaches, or the notebook, or steel magnolias, or fried green tomatoes or the best little whorehouse in texas all by your lonesome.

KISS HER F0REHEAD.

rather kiss her lips. but, whatever.

GIVE HER THE W0RLD.

pretty sure there's hundreds of countries that would stand in my way of creating a global ruler.

WRITE HER LETTERS.

and pay for a stamp? should i write a thank you letter after every time we have sex? would this be acceptable to you? so far this whole list is "me me me me me".

LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES

i make sure not to date girls that my clothes would fit. that = teh unsexy.

WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.

not if i've already got plans. sorry you've created some drama, but i'm goin out. peace.

LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.

what if she's not? what if she is the low man on all totem poles? ever think of that?

LET HER TAKE ALL THE PH0T0S 0F Y0U SHE WANTS.

sure. as long as i can do the same.

KISS HER IN THE RAIN.

i'll fuckin kiss her in a blizzard, in a sewer. again, how does this one matter?

AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no, i think i'll keep it a secret. maybe leave a couple riddles lying around for her to solve, maybe she'll figure it out in time.

AND WHEN Y0U D0 TELL HER. L0VE HER LIKE Y0U NEVER L0VED BEF0RE.

what if i loved before and sucked at it, and needed to learn lessons from that? should i just throw out those lessons as though i'd never loved before? teenage girls are dumb. and the shit they write is equally so.

whose birthday?

yep... Dana's. Went up to the Bench Pub last night after work, wholly intent on grabbing a couple of amusement free, cheap ass boombas when all of the sudden in walks a drunk off her ass Dana. 



not so sure why that pic decided to be upside down, but fuck it, it illustrates a point dammit. So she bullshits with me about her eve and how some dude named Billy totally fucked up his chances at gettin some pussy by going to sleep early. my guess... he's teh ghey. or, she has a smelly crotch. but i'm thinkin more along teh ghey lines. so we start bullshitting and she regails me with a story of recurring dreams about a castle, then when she mentions the word "witch" she gives a cackle, not unlike the wicked the witch of the west, or east, i'm sure they both cackled. but not the north or south witches, they're the good ones.



so after trying to sort out drunkeneese about the sun burning people and her living under a castle in her dream we focused on the important shit. for example, how drunk can you look?



after handily proving that she can look wicked drunk (sticking your tongue out always helps. it means you're either drunk or dead) she again broke into story.



this time she informed about a bra shopping trip that left her somewhat happier. apparently she went in to the store thinking she wore a 34 C.



after the saleslady told her that she must be joking and that she absolutely must remeasure her, (insert lesbian fantasy here) it came out that Dana had in fact grown a full cup size



yeah, so she grabbed them in honor and that's her saying, "yep, they're d's". hehehehe. So, drunk girl spots her friend J-hill



who happens to be dating my neighbor, she also happens to be drunk grrrls ride, and she (dana) then proceedes to tell J-hill "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" Oddly enough, j-hill knew this already, imagine that? So, drunk girl spots another grrl, J-hen, 



and says the same thing. again, oddly enough, she knew as well. Man, small world. So, she then sees the bar owner



and asks him if he in fact is aware that it is her day of conveyance from the womb. he nods, tacitly expressing his knowledge, and promises her a drink or two on the morrow, when she is not so much drunk grrl. which by the way, is one of the first times i have seen said chick in said state. note to self... bring rufies next time. anyhow, as much as i hate it when she leaves, god i love watching her go.



sure, it's blurry, i was excited. go fuck yourselves.
hehehe, you know, if you put an L on the Dana you get DanaL. if you drop the D you get Anal. ha! you see that! i turned her name into a wonderful (yet sometimes dirty) act! ha! love ya dana. hehehehehe.

These Dreams?

I had a dream, in this dream I was a golf course superintendent. I had to get the course ready for a big tournament, which was fine because this course was amazing anyhow. You know, since I was superintendent and all. The odd thing was that some of the holes crossed over highways. I’m not talking little 2 or 3 lane jobs, oh no, we’re talking 5 lanes of blacktop running right through certain holes. The roads weren’t closed, ever. I mean these are major causeways in the metro Detroit area. Caveat Golfer. So, the course was ready and the tournament was there and I was Tiger Woods’ caddy. Yeah, I slid right down the course ladder from superintendent to caddy real fuckin quick. However, mid round I was called away on special assignment to Bosnia. Oddly my brain didn’t feel like it owed me an explanation for this and I have no clue if it was a golf course emergency or what. All I know is that I landed in my helicopter back at the golf course right after the round was over. Apparently I have the fastest chopper in the world, and I am the world’s fastest Bosnian problem solver. So, everyone was taking down all the signs and sponsor bullshit all around the course when I arrived back. Ambulances were out picking up the bodies of gallery members who wanted to follow their favorite golfers at any cost. The roads proved too high a cost. Apparently while I have the world’s fastest helicopter it has no AM/FM radio. So I was asking everyone I could find who won and what the placing was and MUCH to my dismay no one knew. NOT A SOUL! Damn myself for getting the base model of the worlds fastest “makes airwolf its bitch” chopper. Anyhow, I never found out who won the tournament and if all the golfers appreciated my course. Then I woke up and had piss like a racehorse. What does it all mean?
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and now some links.

Who didn’t see that coming? Note to self, don’t fuck with crocodiles.

There are some people you shouldn’t try to prank. Tyrone is one.

hehehe, Great t-shirt. Porch monkey 4 life.

Another great T: Rocky vs. Bullwinkle

this is a shirt i would wear. dunno how funny this shirt is if you don't live in michigan.