Yarr, I'm a birate

ok, so, i've been drinking pretty well, an decided to have a go at deciphering the last post. here's what i came up with:

yi[[eee shit.
yippe shit! the darts team s still ni first place. yes my asopeklling and gramer in inclouragabke, buty Ive been drinking for quite awhuile now.

pretty simple; yippee shit, then yippee shit. the darts team is still in first place. yes, my ass spelunking and graham crackers are inconclucive, but i've been drinking for quite a while now.

So, darts went well, tghnhe I gkt dropped ofrf a chatters. Laura came over to talk.....opk, let';s talk uncomfortablef for asecond; then long haired hippi8e dipshit showed uo. pleasem, for the love of god, tell me that'
s no the guy you've ben writing abiut.

so, darts went well, then i got dropped arf arf at chatters. laura came over to talk.... ok, let's talk uncomfortable for a second; then long haired hippie dipshit showed up. please, for the love of god, tell me that's not the guy you've been writing about

I nkiow him, He's fukklof shit.

i know him, he's a fucklof shit.

Either way, after 6t mionths the luightet went back...it's over. AI loverd her, I really did. She found things that were much bttter,m and UI can;t blame her.;e thought, I have to say,l....that guy..whast the fuck. I turned myseklf friom a fucj=king onghaired durtass tio what I am now for yoiu m, and you go back gto a thinner version of me.

wow, this one is tough either way, after 6th month the luigi (note, not mario) went back... it's over. AI (spielberg flop and haley joel osmet movie proving he doesn't have soul) loved her, i (sic; AI) really did. She found things that were much butter, M and UI (sic; AI) can't blame her. E thought, i have to say, L.... that guy.. what the fuck. i turned myself from a fuck=king, to a longhaired dirtass to what i am now for you M, and you go back GTO (with hemi) a thinner version of me

And when was the last tinme you heard "You" by cxandlebox anyw3ay?
IO shudder to think what thi ws oist looks like as hve been just drunk toing.

and when was the last time you heard "you" by candlebox (gay?) anyway? IO (sic; AI) shudder to think waht thy was twist looks like as have been just drunk to-ing.

that's all i got. updates and corrections are welcome.

HO. LEE. SHIT.

so, my buddy curt posted this tonight on his blog. all translations are welcomed. i can read about 80% of it. and laugh at 100% of it.

yi[[eee shit.
yippe shit! the darts team s still ni first place. yes my asopeklling and gramer in inclouragabke, buty Ive been drinking for quite awhuile now. So, darts went well, tghnhe I gkt dropped ofrf a chatters. Laura came over to talk.....opk, let';s talk uncomfortablef for asecond; then long haired hippi8e dipshit showed uo. pleasem, for the love of god, tell me that'
s no the guy you've ben writing abiut. I nkiow him, He's fukklof shit.

Either way, after 6t mionths the luightet went back...it's over. AI loverd her, I really did. She found things that were much bttter,m and UI can;t blame her.;e thought, I have to say,l....that guy..whast the fuck. I turned myseklf friom a fucj=king onghaired durtass tio what I am now for yoiu m, and you go back gto a thinner version of me.

And when was the last tinme you heard "You" by cxandlebox anyw3ay?
IO shudder to think what thi ws oist looks like as hve been just drunk toing.

wow... just... wow.

Oh no, not a survey

So a buddy sent me a color quiz/personality test. always looking for something for content, i took it. i didn't let me down:

Chud's Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

riiiiiiight. i thrive on a personal life of mutual disdain and discord. i love to lead so that i may impose my views on others. i do not work well in co-op with others. others piss me off.

Chud's Stress Sources
Sensitive and impressionable, prone to absorbing enthusiasms. Seeks an idealized--but so far unfulfilled--situation in which he can share with another a complete accord and mutual depth of understanding. Feels there is a risk of being exploited if he is too ready to trust others and therefore demands proof of their sincerity. Needs to know exactly where he stands in relationships.

sensitive and impressionable? bah. prone to blah blah blah. however, i do have an unfulfilled desire to share with another a complete accord... who the fuck am i kidding? the dumber the girl the better. risk of being exploited? meh, i'll go with it. proof of sincerity? what the fuck? cut off your foot to prove you're sincere! and for the record, i prefer not to know where i stand in a relationship. i mean, i like surprises. besides, if i don't know where i stand, when i sleep with her sister, i can say, "honey, i didn't know where i stood.

Chud's Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are forcing him to compromise, to restrain his demands and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things he wants.

ok, for the first one, yeah, they're called grandparents. but seriously, is there one person in the human race who can say that this statement isn't true for them in some way?

Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

wow... how... vague. and yes, i know i can achieve satisfaction from sexual activity. if i couldn't i wouldn't jerk off so much.

Feels that he cannot do much about his existing problems and difficulties and that he must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.

ok, i know i can do things about my present situation. i choose not to. it's called laziness. apparently there is no lazy color. and why the fuck is my ability to achieve climax brought up twice? this is weighing heavy on me. i mean, before this test, was i only fooling myself into thinking i was satisfied from sex? hoy shit, time to re-examine my life...

Chud's Desired Objective
Needs a way of escape from all that oppresses him and is clinging to vague and illusory hopes.

or to escape from these vague boiler plate statements easily applied to all males.

Chud's Actual Problem
Intensely critical of the existing conditions which he feels are disorganized or insufficiently clear-cut. Is therefore seeking some solution which will clarify the situation and introduce a more acceptable degree of order and method.

yep, it's called sitting tight till a pile of money or a house falls in my lap. or till one of my friends gets rich and i can become a hanger on.

Chud's Actual Problem #2
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

wow... profound again. ok, i'm through with this thing. if you want to take this vague thing, here ya go. but be warned, the answers are eerily vague...

Words... escape... me...

Oh... dear... god...

funny reading to pass the time.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll fuck you with a rake. and other gems submitted from chats. for example:

<.tumult> well that was like the coolest class period i've ever had
<.lasombra> tumult ?
<.tumult> this kid asks me for a dollar so he can get something from a vending machine
<.tumult> i tell him i don't have one (truth)
<.tumult> he says bullshit
<.tumult> i tell him to fuck off
<.tumult> he stands up and punches me in the face three times
<.tumult> sits back down
<.tumult> teacher doesn't notice/care
<.tumult> so blood is pouring out onto my desk
<.tumult> from my lip
<.tumult> i turn to the girl next to me and say
<.tumult> "hey, can i use one of the tissues jammed into your bra?"
<.zyko^> what did she do?
<.tumult> punched me in the face
---

<.Deffy> Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get candy.
---

<.JB> When I was a kid, you could just admire a naked woman. She didn't have to be defecating.
---

(@[e]space) going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion
---

<.Crowbar> yah, if you cut the ass while shaving, you might as well just stick your fingers in and rip it wide open. at least that way you can claim you were raped
<.Crowbar> oh man, i just woke up my wife from laughing
<.Knower|> what's wrong honey? Oh, haha, just giving the guys some advice on anal tearing. oh, alright...just keep it down. wait, WHAT?!?!
---

(placid|work) i knew a girl that was fat just because of her asthma medication
(@Rayn) what was she taking for asthma ... cheeseburgers?
---

<+aeonite> is there any diet plan that does not involve fucking cottage cheese?
<@LordCrank> some of them involve eating it instead

Can't sleep, so i perused college humor's video gallery.

La la la la la just walking home from school OHCHRISTACAR!
not sure what's going on here or what these girls were trying to do...
It's not everyday an elephant decides to come visit you at work. at least, not in this woman's life apparently.
another porn star accident. if you look, i think she actually gets knocked the fuck out.

videoeoeoeoeoeoeoeos.

hahaha, and that's the end of our weekend. silly hillbillies. trees are for beavers.
Even though the bears and lions played on sunday, i prefer the outcome of this match. sort of anti-climactic
3 second video. ten seconds of you sitting there at your screen wincing and lifting your leg in sympathy.
OH MY GOD IT'S KUNG FU PRON! this guys got mad moves. the best his the "climax".

Brain teaser

Petals around the rose. i hate these things, cuz when i figure them out, it's usually a head slapper.

Hang on, let me get my english to cracked out drunken hiljack dictionary.

Ballyhoohoo. Zabadoo. GOYOO! seriously, try reading this aloud, and you will shit your pants. so priceless I have been working teentits and tubfart into my daily repertoire. Seriously, this thing lacks any cohesion, and real thought. I dare you try to read it aloud, and in the manner you think the writer would want it to be said. I have not had this much entertainment from one post in a long ass time.

Boredom

Piracy calculator. find out how much your stash is worth

Some bored asshole about 2 years too late decides to put all 13 celebrity jeopardy skits in one place.

three drunk dials. the guy... seems kinda homo. and by kinda, i mean he talks entirely too much about watching another dude sleep.

Troy's mixed tape of love... i made it to about 1:40 when he starts saying that he never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wants to lose her. what a tool.

Teehee, she's naked.

Dude crying into a pillow. judging by his lack of pain threshold, i figure he's a pro at crying in the pillow.

Safety Measures

Well, I am writing this as an observation to what can only be classified as overt fraud perpatrated upon the masses. This fraud, of which I speak is known as "the screen door lock". some of you may be thinking, "yeah, I have a lock on my screen door, it makes me feel safe". Others may be thinking, "man, I wish I had a lock on my screen door". to all of you I say phooey. this whole thing came about when I went to step outside to have a smoke. I am here, at my grandparents house and for the last 6 nights, the screen door for the doorwall has been wide open. tonight, apparently whilst I stepped out, someone shut the screen door and locked it. I was unaware of any such misdealings and thusly had not expected any impediments to my egress to the deck. that is until I ran into what can only be described as "a pantyhose barrier that ceased my progress". or something equally poetic that I ended up sticking my hand through. so I submit this to you, the reading public (all two of you), what the fuck good does a lock do, when you can inadvertantly put your hand through the object which is locked?. Really. I mean if a screen door is your first and last line of defence, wouldn't be easier to leave it unlocked. So that you don't have to pay to repair the man sized hole in it when someone decides to walk through? now this is not an answer, I know this. As I do not believe in locks, I have had many things of mine broken into (vehicles, house, apartment) and the funniest thing is, they always broke something to get in. for example, my old ranger; broken into twice. both times unlocked. both times had a window busted out so the dumb ass thieves could get in. My house, again, the keys were in the garage in plain sight, and a window in the back was busted out. my apartment, well, they just walked in and helped themselves, but to be fair, I owed the thieves money and they destroyed nothing. So basically what I am saying is that thieves like to break shit. your screen door is not going to stop them. It would give them less satisfaction than breaking a huge piece of glass, but it won't stop them. so, stop putting locks on your screen doors. It's a waste of money and time to lock and unlock, and install the locks. anyhow, that's all I got. Been drinking and had to laugh. stay tuned for next episode when we talk about stupid people who use broom sticks and the like to "lock" their GIANT GLASS doorwall, and how a hammer circumvents this and allows you and a friend to ingress side by side without incident.

yep

uhhh... parachute?

cwik and i looked at this and our collective agreement was WTF?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! whoo is right. it's an oldie, but a goodie.

Just one of those days

Well, everybody knows what day it is. everybody has been inundated with images of everything that happened that fateful morning. as I was trying to sleep this morning, i had on fox news, and they were having a sept. 11th memorial. For the most part is your typical remember those who died, remember those who gave their lives so you could live memorial. i was sort of dozing in and out when they had a moment of silence at the precise time the first plane went in. Of course this brings back memories of what exactly i was doing at that point in time, which isn't much different than what I was doing this morning, except that curt called and was yelling into my answering maching which prompted me to wake up and turn on the tv. then some more talking and another moment of silence for the second plane and some more memories of watching the news with the phone firmly implanted in my ear. Then I started to doze off again and they started ringing a bell. I was like please don't be ringing that 343 times. then I rolled over and looked at the clock. A little after 10am, my clock is a bit off, but I knew. Then another moment of silence. I hate moments of silence, all you do is think. I remember watching the tower come down. I remember seeing the fire, and the shit falling off in the fire and saying "that fucker is gonna come down, holy shit." a minute later it did. I dozed off again and awoke again to the bell ringing. now, I'm not an emotional guy, but thinking back to that day makes me mad. it angers me to the core. But it's amazing how short of memories we as americans have. This is the reason we're in iraq, and afghanistan. this is the reason we're trying to shut kim jong il up. BECAUSE WE WILL NOT STAND FOR ANOTHER ATTACK ON OUR SOIL! period. You disagree with us being in iraq? It's because you're dumb and don't understand how the world works unless the news tells you how it works. learn to think for yourself and you'll understand that a one million dollar bounty on any us citizen (offered by saddam to anyone) IS a threat. and if you truly think that he had no WMD's then you are as ignorant than michael moore, which is pretty goddamn tough to do. I don't know why I started on this tangent, but I'm done. however, I will say, the two strongest memories in the days after were congress singing god bless America (9/12) and W at ground zero (9/14). "I can hear you, the the rest of the world hears you too... And the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon!" pretty much sums it all up.

bout that time

dude gets paid $500 to drink ipecac. the best is how he plays he it off, and then the instant he knows it's coming... gold i tell you! GOLD!
teehee, she said jackoff...
there's a safety issue here... oh, there it is.
my eyes... my eyes... it burns.
Tucker Max makes me laugh. the FBI story in the story made me laugh so i hard i choked.

The problem with drinking alone

So, in an attempt to recover from the days events, i have been downing whiskey at a rate of several ounces per quarter hour or so. However, this is not the problem. the problem as I see it is infomercials. I am a sucker for them. tony little the gazelle freestyle... Yup. ron popiel my own personal hero and his showtime rotisserie yup. ron's special set of knives... Which by the way is an almost identical infomercial and DEFINATELY the same knives as chef Tony and his miracle blade knives... yup. However, there's been a new comer on the scene of late. it's been on for about a year now, and it has characters (yeah, I said characters) with names like bourbon (who happens to come in hung over and all dissheveled) and hazel (who is clearly a young woman in old make up with a cigarette that never actually burns just has an inch long ash) who comprise the cast. For those of you in the know, you already know i am talking of the magic bullet personal countertop magician. I love this thing, I so badly want one. I can make alfredo sauce, salsa, omelets, muffin mix and quesadilla filling and the like, all in under 10 seconds. Give or take of course. I mean, I would have to have all my ingredients prepped and ready to go in proper amounts... But 10 seconds... I can use the same container I blended in to put in the microwave and heat. or I can snap on the shaker lid and shake my freshly grated Parmesan (that I grated in under 10 seconds) onto my spaghetti, which I invariably made the single serving sauce in under 10 seconds as well. now the real appeal, is the mugs. You can make margarittas or daiquiris or whatever in your own mug, and then slip on the personalized (color coded) drinking ring and have at thee. ahhh... Someday when I am rich and famous I will own one. until then, I must watch, and be amazed by hazel's infinite cigarette, and bourbon's most slovenly appearance... ahh... heaven in 10 seconds or less. Yes, there is a god, and he makes infomercials.

linksies

incurable romantic seeks filthy whore. sounds about right.
this game is addicting as hell. don't play it.
Not much left to do now...
kind of a neat blog. some of the shit is gay, some is hot, some is just plain scary.
holy bullshit batman! i'm not sure which pisses me off more, the fact that these are clearly fake, or that people believe these.
got a home bar you need to deck out?
holy shit these guys have them all! ever wanted some video game music? kick ass archive.

Grocery shopping

so i started this blog in my downtime whilst babysitting my grandmother. she has Huntingtons which is sort of like parkinsons slapped with alzheimers. so it's kind of fun everyday having the exact same conversation when i wake up about breakfast. the conversation usually starts with her saying, "what? you're not going to eat breakfast?" and me saying, "i have been her for more or less one month, and in that time have you ever seen me eat breakfast?" and she," well, no." then me, "then why the hell do you ask me every damn morning you dingy broad?" to which she usually calls me some sort of brat or something. anyhow, today she decided we needed to go to farmer jacks. up until now i have been able to get her to stay home and let me go do the grocery shopping by myself. today, was not one of those days. so i'm thinking (all too niavely) that since we were going in there for pop, chips and dip, and cool whip, that it would be a pretty quick trip. this is when i learned how wrong i was. i was unaware that huntingtons manifests itself differently when in a grocery store. apparently, you become a retarded epileptic with ADD who walks about one meter an hour and must stare at fucking everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. the one upside is she makes sound effects, so when she sees something simple like a log of cheese it is usually accentuated with a "WOWWW", or a "WHOAAA". she is her own soundtrack. anyhow, it took us, and i shit you not, a solid TWENTY MINUTES just to clear the produce aisle. she literally stopped every foot, to gawk, and oooh and ahh... sometimes at paper bags, sometimes at steak rolls. so, after buying chips, dip, pretzels, crackers, 7-up (have to have it, or else all hell breaks loose), a&w root beer (another must have) and lipton brisk (which she asked at leat ten times if it was pre sweetened)some sunny D, some dish soap, and cool whip. she gets the idea of ice cream. good lord, DO NOT EVER shop for ice cream with an old woman. first of all we ended up with more toppings than ice cream because she couldn't decide on which ice cream to get, so we didn't get any. then comes the doozy. we have to split the groceries in the check out line as to what she's paying for and what's coming out of the grocery fund. cuz it's too hard to look at the reciept and pay back grocery. whatever. anyhow, this whole fiasco, in which we only went down one aisle that wasn't on the perimiter (the pop aisle), took about 2 hours. the one thing i can look forward to is when she goes to sleep i can pull out the whiskey. it's the only thing that keeps me sane. hehehehe. so, if you ever have to grocery shop with an old person, don't do it. leave them in the car, with the windows up, the engine off, and no radio. you will be doing yourself a service.

uh oh

hahahahahaha, NOLA cops looting a wal-mart

hahahahahaha. not sure which is funnier, the homo handshake... or the hosts of the site.

penn and tellers bullshit? Not sure, but i know it's penn talking. and this is, well, a simple social commentary that has been done by everyone frome junge to milgram. but it's it's still funny.

anyhow, time for bed.

pretty much

yaaaar

this guy hates people named tony. can't say i disagree with him. never met a tony i liked. oh, the write up on tony the tiger is the best.

Dave Coulier has a live Journal? cut it out...

Yes Virginia, i am a modern drunkard. i love this site and plan on subscribing to the magazine

Not sure how useful this is. but it was kinda fun. takes ya back.

neato sound search engine. for when you need that sort of thing.

well then

Well, a buddy of mine said I needed a blog for all the goofy shit I find online. I think he's right. Anyhow, I guess I should jump on the bandwagon and comment on the state of affairs in NOLA... but really, what's to say that hasn't been said. apparently "George bush does not care about black people" according to kanye west. Wow... that's deep. The fact that it's bullshit doesn't stop the left from trying to politicize a natural disaster. It would appear that the only that anyone left of center would be happy is if 2 months prior to hurricane katrina making landfall, GW should have been down in NOLA shoring up levees (which by the way should be the responsibility of the state... just sayin...) and setting up refugee shelters. ok, now we all know that's bullshit, and would never happen because well, precognition just doesn't seem to be as rampant as it once was. the other funny thing I hear, and it is funny, is that when you see pictures of white people stealing they are "finding" and black people are "looting". Everyone wants to scream racism and all sorts of bullshit. now... Here are the reasons for the two; looting is shit you do not need to stay alive for the time being. Period. plasma tv's, boxes and boxes of shoes... booze etc. For example, this is looting:


this is finding. also known as surviving and not being greedy.


anyhow, this isn't really "goofy shit i found". but it's still pretty damn goofy. also if you want to read a great commentary on what's going on down there you should read this. anyhow, that's all i got for now. i'll post more later when i start drinking.